Men-free Zone ~ The Non-romantic Relationship Thread

Gran started crying about my Aunt cutting her off. Saying she thinks day and night about what she's said to deserve such a thing. Furthermore that a child should never turn away from parents, no matter what the parents say, or do.

I've tried to explain, but she will never get it. All the evidence has been presented and the binder is full but she still is puzzled.

I need to ask her about her Mother and Father. This whole 36 years I don't feel like she's mentioned them even once. Very occasionally she talks a little about her siblings. It's always interesting to know a persons backstory and how it shapes how they are today.
 
Just found out one of my mom friends lost a daughter a few weeks ago. The twist is I never knew she had a daughter! Apparently she had the baby as a teenager but gave the baby to her mother (the baby’s grandmother) to raise as her own. She married in her 20s and started a new family.

I’m not sure how the daughter died. But wow, this is a real shock.

Anyway, her husband approached me today and said that she’s really bad off and will not leave the house. I’ve reached out to her to see if I can stop by and maybe bring her lunch or something. The funeral has passed. I’m not sure what else to do besides try to be there in case she wants to talk.
 
BonBon said:
Gran started crying about my Aunt cutting her off. Saying she thinks day and night about what she's said to deserve such a thing. Furthermore that a child should never turn away from parents, no matter what the parents say, or do.

I've tried to explain, but she will never get it. All the evidence has been presented and the binder is full but she still is puzzled.

I need to ask her about her Mother and Father. This whole 36 years I don't feel like she's mentioned them even once. Very occasionally she talks a little about her siblings. It's always interesting to know a persons backstory and how it shapes how they are today.
Click to expand...
This sounds EXACTLY like my mother. The whole thing around "never turning away from your parents no matter what" is crazy. My mother has said things to me that I wouldn't allow a stranger to say to me; what she has said and done to my sisters would make me not want to ever speak to her again.

She is a master manipulator and thinks her children should just fall in line. This was the year that I've put my foot down and put her on very low contact. One of my sisters has completely cut her off.

The thing is, your Gran will probably never be 100% honest about what went down between your aunt and her. Additionally, you never know what happened in your aunt's childhood. However, from my experience, it takes a lot for most daughters to completely walk away from their mothers.
 
Miss_Luna said:
This sounds EXACTLY like my mother. The whole thing around "never turning away from your parents no matter what" is crazy. My mother has said things to me that I wouldn't allow a stranger to say to me; what she has said and done to my sisters would make me not want to ever speak to her again.

She is a master manipulator and thinks her children should just fall in line. This was the year that I've put my foot down and put her on very low contact. One of my sisters has completely cut her off.

The thing is, your Gran will probably never be 100% honest about what went down between your aunt and her. Additionally, you never know what happened in your aunt's childhood. However, from my experience, it takes a lot for most daughters to completely walk away from their mothers.
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Thanks @Miss_Luna I'm sorry you've had to deal with this type of treatment.

From the bits I know and the behaviours I've witnessed I understand why she needs to cut contact. It's to the point she feels hated.

Can I ask if your Mums behaviour has improved around you since reducing contact?
 
BonBon said:
Thanks @Miss_Luna I'm sorry you've had to deal with this type of treatment.

From the bits I know and the behaviours I've witnessed I understand why she needs to cut contact. It's to the point she feels hated.

Can I ask if your Mums behaviour has improved around you since reducing contact?
Click to expand...

She has started to text or call more, almost like "love-bombing", but it's obvious that she still does not understand my boundaries. For example, I am expecting, but I have had body issues in the past. I wasn't overweight, but very self-conscious about gaining weight (once upon a time I used to dance and being in leotards and costumes made me very focused on my weight). She texted me asking for pictures of my stomach to see "how big" I am now and reminding me that I have to get "fat" because the baby needs nutrients. This made me really angry and DH had to calm me down for a bit.

My hormones are all over the place and she is constantly saying stuff, via text, that triggers me. She called, but I didn't pick up. So in short, no, her behaviour has not improved but now she blames me to outsiders for being short with her or not returning her calls when she's just "trying to a part of my life".
 
BonBon said:
Gran started crying about my Aunt cutting her off. Saying she thinks day and night about what she's said to deserve such a thing. Furthermore that a child should never turn away from parents, no matter what the parents say, or do.

I've tried to explain, but she will never get it. All the evidence has been presented and the binder is full but she still is puzzled.

I need to ask her about her Mother and Father. This whole 36 years I don't feel like she's mentioned them even once. Very occasionally she talks a little about her siblings. It's always interesting to know a persons backstory and how it shapes how they are today.
Click to expand...
Yes to the last part. I only just found out my dad didnt grow up with his parents back in Haiti. My dad hardly mentions his childhood and whenever he does he talks about living with his parents. I was surprised when my mom told me he only lived with his parents until maybe 7-8 years old before being sent to the city and then living on his own. It made alot of sense why he acts the way he does. Why he’s so distant emotionally, doesnt treat my mom well, doesnt really know how to parent. Interestingly enough my mom grew up the same way. Dad left her mom young, was raised by single mom in haiti until 7 then sent to the city to live with her aunt.

alot of their parenting and romantic style made sense the more i look into their past.
 
I am debating dropping out of this "girl's" trip. A couple of us bought tickets to an outdoor concert earlier in the year (when I had hope that this country would get it together with covid). Three of us live out of town, the other person is in the city that the event is in.

When we started planning it was just us girls hanging out. The local girl's husband volunteered to chauffeur us for the weekend. Now everyone is bringing their husband/BF. I checked our group chat the other day and folks bought their SO tickets to the concert. I don't want to be a 7th wheel when we were all suppose to initially hang out. I am not interested in inviting someone just because folks are going to be coupled up. Also, the pandemic is still raging on so it isn't as if I can just go hang out with new folks.

The event does have vaccine and testing requirements but I feel like with that many people even outdoors the risk is to great and again 7th wheel.
No one will lose money if I don't go.

I'll sleep on it.
 
@Fine 4s
If ya'll are significantly over 30 then I wouldn't take her buying a house and not saying anything to anybody seriously. There's a point that some people reach where buying stuff, even big stuff isn't a big deal especially if you feel like you should have already had it. . Not inviting you to a wedding or letting you know about a baby, etc. I'd feel some kind of way about.
 
Fine 4s said:
Hey ladies,
Would you feel like a “friend” who withheld life milestones from you was really a “friend.”? For example, what if the person graduated from an academic program, got engaged/married, was pregnant, didn’t ask you to be part of their wedding party, tell you about a new job or any other big life accomplishments and never mentioned it to you. Would you use that as confirmation of where you stand in their life? Would it make you doubt your friendship? This came up for me because a friend of mine announced that she bought a home. I’m thinking about all the times we spoke and NOTHING was mentioned to me. I’m not besties with her but we’ve shared bestie moments so I can’t understand that level of privacy lol it’s so weird! A part of me says it’s no big deal but then another is like nah, she’s letting you know, you ain’t that important and you need to fall in line!
What do you think?
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Hmmm, this is a tough one. My sister does this. She will tell my mother everything and when I ask her what's new, she won't mention anything major, just negligible stuff. I have to find out through my mom. It makes me feel left out of her life, so I can understand why you feel some type of way. I don't make a big deal of it to be honest. I figure that's just the way she is. Some people are secretive when making big decisions in their life. They either don't want feedback from others, don't want people to talk about them, or just don't want to be the center of the conversation. It varies. I doubt she's only doing that to you.
 
Fine 4s said:
Hey ladies,
Would you feel like a “friend” who withheld life milestones from you was really a “friend.”? For example, what if the person graduated from an academic program, got engaged/married, was pregnant, didn’t ask you to be part of their wedding party, tell you about a new job or any other big life accomplishments and never mentioned it to you. Would you use that as confirmation of where you stand in their life? Would it make you doubt your friendship? This came up for me because a friend of mine announced that she bought a home. I’m thinking about all the times we spoke and NOTHING was mentioned to me. I’m not besties with her but we’ve shared bestie moments so I can’t understand that level of privacy lol it’s so weird! A part of me says it’s no big deal but then another is like nah, she’s letting you know, you ain’t that important and you need to fall in line!
What do you think?
Click to expand...
While I'd secretly jump for joy if I'm never asked to be in a wedding or attend a baby shower again, one of my childhood bffs just purchased a home and didn't say anything to me about it. She just announced it on FB. I didn't feel some type of way but to your point I was like "oh.. okay". :look: It is IMO indicative to where you may stand in their life but I don't think it's cause to take it to heart. People grow in different directions, and I do believe there's some truth to you being thrown off course if you let too many people know your plans. All I did was reply "congratulations" on FB and keep it moving because I actually thought she owned the house she had been renting all this time.

I have a very close friend who I decided I will never tell if I try to conceive. I teeter back & forth on whether I want kids. Once in a causal conversation I mentioned that I might move forward with freezing my eggs and she was quick to say "I thought you weren't going to do that!" It made me feel a way because she knows I have been affected by endometriosis and she has 4 kids of her own. So why would she be so quick to remind me that I may not want to have kids...IDK. It could have been harmless but I saw her response as insensitive and concluded she would never know anything else on that subject pertaining to me. It was an unexpected and unwelcome vibe I felt so whatever I decide I'm just going to keep it to myself. That experience confirmed that if I go through with it I will probably tell no one.
 
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It's interesting that I brought this up days ago because now, the shoe is on the other foot.
My grandma passed this morning at 5:40am and I was with her until her last breath.
I don't really want to share it with anyone (not even work) because there's nothing anyone can do. It just so happens that someone whom I'm cool with called and as soon as I opened my mouth. Tears. So I told him. Several way more important people don't know yet. Maybe by saying it to them, it makes it more real, IDK but I know why I'm not sharing and it has nothing to do with how much I love those that don't know.
Perpective.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
@Fine 4s
If ya'll are significantly over 30 then I wouldn't take her buying a house and not saying anything to anybody seriously. There's a point that some people reach where buying stuff, even big stuff isn't a big deal especially if you feel like you should have already had it. . Not inviting you to a wedding or letting you know about a baby, etc. I'd feel some kind of way about.
Click to expand...
Yes we are and you are right that she always felt some type of way about not owning so perhaps that's what it is. Either way, I have bigger sorrows now so this is really really small peanuts.
I want to go home but I also don't want to leave my aunt alone in this house. I slept next to my grandma bed on the couch every night and I can't bare being in this house now. I want to go back to my space, my home far away, be with my SO and cry my little heart out.
It's weird but I kinda feel like who am I? She was my point of reference and now I feel lost.
 
Fine 4s said:
Yes we are and you are right that she always felt some type of way about not owning so perhaps that's what it is. Either way, I have bigger sorrows now so this is really really small peanuts.
I want to go home but I also don't want to leave my aunt alone in this house. I slept next to my grandma bed on the couch every night and I can't bare being in this house now. I want to go back to my space, my home far away, be with my SO and cry my little heart out.
It's weird but I kinda feel like who am I? She was my point of reference and now I feel lost.
Click to expand...
I am sorry for your loss
 
Fine 4s said:
Yes we are and you are right that she always felt some type of way about not owning so perhaps that's what it is. Either way, I have bigger sorrows now so this is really really small peanuts.
I want to go home but I also don't want to leave my aunt alone in this house. I slept next to my grandma bed on the couch every night and I can't bare being in this house now. I want to go back to my space, my home far away, be with my SO and cry my little heart out.
It's weird but I kinda feel like who am I? She was my point of reference and now I feel lost.
Click to expand...
I am so sorry for your loss.
 
Leeda.the.Paladin said:
Just found out one of my mom friends lost a daughter a few weeks ago. The twist is I never knew she had a daughter! Apparently she had the baby as a teenager but gave the baby to her mother (the baby’s grandmother) to raise as her own. She married in her 20s and started a new family.

I’m not sure how the daughter died. But wow, this is a real shock.

Anyway, her husband approached me today and said that she’s really bad off and will not leave the house. I’ve reached out to her to see if I can stop by and maybe bring her lunch or something. The funeral has passed. I’m not sure what else to do besides try to be there in case she wants to talk.
Click to expand...
This is so sad. I feel bad for her. On top of her grief she may be experiencing a lot of regret and guilt. I hope she can overcome this.
 
Fine 4s said:
It's interesting that I brought this up days ago because now, the shoe is on the other foot.
My grandma passed this morning at 5:40am and I was with her until her last breath.
I don't really want to share it with anyone (not even work) because there's nothing anyone can do. It just so happens that someone whom I'm cool with called and as soon as I opened my mouth. Tears. So I told him. Several way more important people don't know yet. Maybe by saying it to them, it makes it more real, IDK but I know why I'm not sharing and it has nothing to do with how much I love those that don't know.
Perpective.
Click to expand...
Sorry for your loss :bighug:
 
Fine 4s said:
Yes we are and you are right that she always felt some type of way about not owning so perhaps that's what it is. Either way, I have bigger sorrows now so this is really really small peanuts.
I want to go home but I also don't want to leave my aunt alone in this house. I slept next to my grandma bed on the couch every night and I can't bare being in this house now. I want to go back to my space, my home far away, be with my SO and cry my little heart out.
It's weird but I kinda feel like who am I? She was my point of reference and now I feel lost.
Click to expand...

so sorry for your loss. :(
 
People think I'm rich because I'm single, work a bunch of jobs, have no kids and I live in California. What they don't realize is I'm single, work a bunch of jobs and have no kids because I live in California. I legit need 2 million dollars to get out of this apartment. Lord please give these people money so they can stop asking for mine.
 
Browndilocks said:
People think I'm rich because I'm single, work a bunch of jobs, have no kids and I live in California. What they don't realize is I'm single, work a bunch of jobs and have no kids because I live in California. I legit need 2 million dollars to get out of this apartment. Lord please give these people money so they can stop asking for mine.
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Who is askin?? We have several friends in Cali and the amount of money they pay for rent is insane!
 
@Leeda.the.Paladin
I would feel the same way and I wouldn't say a word about it. But I'd also have a friend in my ear telling to bring it up.
I wouldn't ask because I'd be scared of the answer even though I know fear can be useful if only we lean into it. The fear might be the clue you need to free yourself from a dishonest friendship or create a stronger bond. Either way it will be a good thing. Even if you don't feel like you're TRULY sisters, aren't you cool enough to be like "Yo! I didn't get the invite!!" (however way you communicate)
Either way, hope you feel better, theme of the day is honest relationships! ((hugs))
 
@Leeda.the.Paladin I think you should call your friend and ask what happened. Tell her how it made you feel. How you’ve been wanting to spend more time together. Why all this ambiguity?There’s simply bad communication happening here.

I wouldn’t ghost a friend I’ve known since I was 14 without being sure what I think is actually happening is happening.
 
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