Men-free Zone ~ The Non-romantic Relationship Thread

**Please don't quote**

Over the last 8-10 months life has been crazy, but in a good way. I moved to Europe, started a new job, the guy I was dating for over a year left his job (he has income from investment properties) and moved here with me. We got married (elopement) and are now expecting a little one early next year. During this time, I've had little contact with family, primarily because I just have not had time between working and just living my life.

Now we've decided to come back to the US to have an informal wedding/reception for our friends and family to celebrate. They don't know about the elopement, and we are really just coming back because we don't plan on coming back to the US for a while and want to see our loved ones.

My mother has been an absolute pain through this entire thing. She has called me and criticized me when I told her I wasn't taking my partners name, offended that we are not finding out the gender of the baby, and told me I should be grateful that she raised me. How do I show this gratefulness? By paying for her accomodations for the wedding weekend and paying for her flight and hotel to come see the baby once they are born. This week alone, she has called twice and literally screamed and yelled at me, which I'm surprised I even entertained the second time around.

She has told family members I've forgotten where I came from and a bunch of other things. I really don't know where this energy is coming from. She has not offered to help with the wedding, hasn't offered to do anything for the baby, etc. At this point, I don't want her in my life, but I feel like that might be taking it too far. She is causing stress in my life where it has not and does not exist. My partner is great and super supportive of whatever I want to do, but thinks if I cut her off I might regret it later. I really don't know what to do, but I don't want to transfer her negative energy to the baby. I really just want to have a good time with friends/family and enjoy my life, but she is adamant about preventing that from happening.
 
@Miss_Luna
Congrats on all the wonderful things happening in your life!
I understand how you feel. Don’t let guilt and shame keep you attached to things or people that are unhealthy for you. You have a new life now and you don’t have to take that part with you into it. It doesn’t serve you or your new family well. As a soon-to-be mother now, you gotta protect your sanity and your baby at all cost.
 
@Evolving78
Thank you.

She has always been narcissistic, passive aggressive, and extremely selfish. I've been respectful because she is my mom, but the level of disrespect is too far now.
Anyone that knows me irl, knows that this is not what I had planned for my life...I never really saw myself getting married with a kid. I've been doing my own thing for a very long time and while I was happy in my relationship, I didn't think he would actually move with me and definitely didn't think we would be here. It's a pleasant surprise, I'm happy to have him in my corner, but I was doing it on my own for so long that when I told people, most of them were shocked. As for my mom, I think she got used to me helping her and her guilting me into giving her things. I can't do that now, as I have my own life to live.

To be honest, I think her and a couple of 'friends' were used to me being single and alone, while they settled down. Now that I'm in this same boat, I have gotten some strange responses; not all of them happy for me even though they are married with kids. It's as if they were looking down on me for my lifestyle, but now they are being very weird.
 
@Miss_Luna I don’t think you have to cut your mom off. You will have to feed her with a long-handled spoon. I do believe she and some of the other people you mentioned are jealous. Like how dare you get to be a free-spirit AND also get married to a guy who moved for you (swoon!) and have a baby? They had you pigeonholed. Well too bad. You come to the U.S. and have your ceremony with family and friends, soak it all up, then settle into your new life. Sounds like you will have plenty distance from your mom and anyone else who gets under your skin. Everything is going to be ok. I agree with your partner. Completely cutting off your mother may not be for the best. I think that will be too painful for you.

Try to practice having a more detached attitude with her. Where you kind of step outside of the situation and say oh there she goes again, wanting more from me than is fair or criticizing me. I don’t have to take that in or take it personally. I’ve done my best. I can’t change her. And I’m also not going to engage or try to fix this or anything. You can emotionally detach from her in those moments without completely cutting her off. But I’m so sorry she can’t be the mom you want and need. It’s a tough situation.

But I am sooo happy for you. Enjoy every bit of this happiness. You deserve it all!!
 
Do you believe cutting her out of your life will be best for you at this point? If so, then you should. Respecting your mom doesn't mean allowing her to disrespect you. Yelling and screaming at you is not ok.
I understand your hubby is worried you may regret it later. But if your relationship with her is unhealthy, what's there to regret? Will you miss the criticism and guilt trips she puts you through?

If you decide to cut her off or get some space from her, you can tell her or write to her and say something to the effect of how much you would love to have a better relationship with her but for now you will be focusing on your family and she can reach out if she wants to start mending..or something like that. So that she knows there is an option for her to be in your life again and the ball's in her court. And maybe hubby too won't be too worried about baby never knowing grandma if that's his issue.
 
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@Miss_Luna

First of all congrats on your elopement and pregnancy! That's so wonderful (especially the moving to Europe part!)

I don't think you should cut your mother off. It may actually make you more enmeshed. You can and should enact firm boundaries as to how she is to treat you. You don't deserve being yelled at, insulted, and guilted into doing anything. Plus the extra stress is not good for your pregnancy. Luckily you'll have some physical distance since you'll be living in Europe. The party might be a good time to set boundaries so you can enjoy yourself before you leave. If your mom wants to be part of your life she'll act right, if not you keep living life with your husband and soon-to-be new baby. I'm sorry your mom can't be the mother you need and deserve, especially at a time like this. Marriage and having a new baby are wonderful but you need help and support and it's unfortunate your mother is making it all about her when this is about you.

As for your friends, I agree with @hopeful they are jealous. Something I've been told a lot, is do not assume that someone is happy because they are married and seemingly settled. You never know what goes on behind closed doors and you never know how people see your life. What you interpreted as condescension when you were single may have been envy because you were living life unattached, able to do what you wanted, and they weren't happy with their lives. And now you're married and the jealousy is in overdrive.

I've been going through something similar now that I'm engaged.
 
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hopeful said:
@Miss_Luna I don’t think you have to cut your mom off. You will have to feed her with a long-handled spoon. I do believe she and some of the other people you mentioned are jealous. Like how dare you get to be a free-spirit AND also get married to a guy who moved for you (swoon!) and have a baby? They had you pigeonholed. Well too bad. You come to the U.S. and have your ceremony with family and friends, soak it all up, then settle into your new life. Sounds like you will have plenty distance from your mom and anyone else who gets under your skin. Everything is going to be ok. I agree with your partner. Completely cutting off your mother may not be for the best. I think that will be too painful for you.

Try to practice having a more detached attitude with her. Where you kind of step outside of the situation and say oh there she goes again, wanting more from me than is fair or criticizing me. I don’t have to take that in or take it personally. I’ve done my best. I can’t change her. And I’m also not going to engage or try to fix this or anything. You can emotionally detach from her in those moments without completely cutting her off. But I’m so sorry she can’t be the mom you want and need. It’s a tough situation.

But I am sooo happy for you. Enjoy every bit of this happiness. You deserve it all!!
Click to expand...
How does one do this? I’m on the side of cutting people off. And it’s not over a particular thing either. It’s the overall person or the environment that I would have issues with and just don’t want them in my space. Like, I don’t like how they operate period.
 
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@Miss_Luna
Think about it like this. Your mother knows that babies are expensive and even if you appear to be doing well, she's willing to have you spend money on her for one day frivolities that could be going to your child. That's where her priorities are. Not you advancing on to this unknown territory in your life, not her future grand child but a free all expenses trip to your wedding.

I'm in favor of speaking your mind about her priorities and not appreciating the guilting antics. If it were me I would tell my mother that I'm following her example of putting herself first in the situation and her two choices are to either get on code or get gone. Trust me I know it's hard and it took me getting comfortable with grown woman-ness to do but there came a point in my relationship with my mother where I had to b up and lay down the law of how we were going to deal with each other moving forward. You are about to be somebody's mother and part of that involves protecting that lil person from ALL who will do you and/or them dirty which is where your moms is at right now stressing you out while pregnant.
 
@hopeful You are so special. Thank you so much for your kind words.

You know I don't even post on IG that much because I had a close friend, that was still looking at my stories, tell me she doesn't like to look at my profile because it makes her feel some type of way. I hate the thought that someone that knows where I came from and what I went through to get here, would be jealous. However, I've had to really sit back and just look at it for what it was. I've since made my profile private so she can't see anything anyway. I really don't like negative energy in my life.

I read something that said boundaries are made to keep people around but in a way that you can manage, or something like that. I don't want to fully cut my mom off, but the boundary is definitely going to be much bigger now.
 
Thank you @ScorpioBeauty09 I always said if I had a kid they wouldn't be born in the US. Thus far, the healthcare here has been great. My doctors are all within walking distance and it's been a pleasant experience, overall.

You want your friends to be happy for you, but like you said, you never know what people are going through. I've been everyone's cheerleader because I believe we all have our own path. I'm never in competition with anyone; I honestly don't care what people do, as long as they are happy and not hurting anyone. However, it seems like I was naive to believe that some of the people I cared about would feel the same way.

Congrats to you, as well!
 
@Crackers Phinn You always come through with the logic! I was thinking the same thing; like, I live in a country with one of the highest cost of living in the world and you are really asking me to support your weekend of partying when you haven't even offered anything to help with your future grandchild.

The fact that she was yelling at me and I had to keep calm because I'm just nervous that anything I do will hurt the baby, made me realize that she has no effs to give. She's texting me all hours of the night, I'm 6hrs ahead of her, and it's almost like she wants to add to the stress.

I told her yesterday that she doesn't have to come to the wedding at this point. But you're right, I need to be firm in my boundaries with her and I need to do it before the baby comes. My partner is just nervous that the stress is going to be too much so he's doing a lot for me, however, this is a situation that I need to step up and handle.

Thanks, everyone, for your support and listening ear. I would invite you all to the wedding, if I could. I just want to party and drink my sparkling cider in peace.
 
@Miss_Luna I don't want to quote your response just in case.

I've not shared this before but early in my marriage, I was considering moving forward with getting pregnant and my mother's two cents was "that wouldn't be good for us" as I was her caregiver at the time. See that "us" didn't hit me as being "her" until much later. Mama had all the baby's she was grown enough to have by the time she was my big age but she could easily put her own care ahead of me experiencing the motherhood she took for granted. Between 3 sons she had around 30-ish grand children so me having a baby wasn't a "special" event. My moms passed away and while I still mourn her loss even typing this I do not regret one conversation I had with her where I put myself first. Not one. At this point in my life, I find what works best for me mentally is to take people how I find them not how I wish they would be. Every time I've tried exempting people from that rule because our relationship is supposed to be "x" or "y" instead of the "L" it actually is has come back to bite me every single time even with my own mother.
 
Evolving78 said:
How does one do this? I’m on the side of cutting people off. And it’s not over a particular thing either. It’s the overall person or the environment that I would have issues with and just don’t want them in my space. Like, I don’t like how they operate period.
Click to expand...
It’s not easy. But I’ve found detachment to work best with people whom you love very much, people you just can’t really happily live without. Cutting off is best in many cases. But with a mom or children I’ve found it best to do a combination of feeding with a long-handled spoon and practicing detachment. I had an aunt I did this with. I knew she loved me but was also jealous and would hurt my feelings. During her last years before she died we became very close and we were both very helpful to each other. I was really glad that I never completely cut her off. Sometimes you have to cut off a parent or child completely. If/when they cross that line then oh well. It is what it is.
 
@Crackers Phinn I totally understand. When my mom was ranting, she said that no matter "what my last name is or where I live" I need to be grateful for her and do what she wants me to do for her. In that moment, I realized that she knew that marriage and moving away was going to be at her detriment, in that I was no longer going to let her take advantage of me. The clarity of her selfishness became so apparent. I'm in a country with no family or strong support network and you would rather have me struggle and take care of you than take care of the family that I'm trying to build.

When I lived abroad before I was still doing a lot for her, like at least over $2,000 in gifts and trips a year. Once I moved to Europe all of that stopped, completely, because it was much more expensive here and she showed her true colors after I paid for a very expensive trip for her and she asked for more money immediately after the trip and I said no. Once I said no, she called me in the middle of the night, cursed me out and stopped talking to me.

I'm not a parent, yet, but I can't imagine putting someone in that position. So yea, it's deep but I need to nip this in the bud.
 
She is a piece of work! WOW.....

Yup distance yourself. Put your phone on do not disturb or off at night so she won't interrupt your sleep/evening. If you must, you can put your partner or any special person on a VIP list whose calls will come thru no matter if your phone is on DND. That is so selfish that she won't mind the time difference and call you in the middle of the night to yell at you. Getting my blood boiling just hearing that :angry2: as I find sleep is precious.

I'm so glad you are living in another country. Makes it so much easier. But I would only speak with her only when YOU call her and don't answer any of her calls. Once you return home from the US trip, it will be easier to create boundaries as the only way to contact you is by phone.

Another trick I use is when I speak to either of my parents (they are a light version of your mother), I call while the TV is on as a distraction so when they go on their nonsensical soliloquy, I shift my attention to what's on TV so I won't hear their foolishness. :lol: And by the time, the conversation is over and I hang up, I have forgotten most of what they said as I don't want their negative energy to ferment in my brain and bring me down for the rest of the day.

Congratulations on the move, the marriage and the baby!! You are living your best life!! :clap:
 
Crackers Phinn said:
@Miss_Luna I don't want to quote your response just in case.

I've not shared this before but early in my marriage, I was considering moving forward with getting pregnant and my mother's two cents was "that wouldn't be good for us" as I was her caregiver at the time. See that "us" didn't hit me as being "her" until much later. Mama had all the baby's she was grown enough to have by the time she was my big age but she could easily put her own care ahead of me experiencing the motherhood she took for granted. Between 3 sons she had around 30-ish grand children so me having a baby wasn't a "special" event. My moms passed away and while I still mourn her loss even typing this I do not regret one conversation I had with her where I put myself first. Not one. At this point in my life, I find what works best for me mentally is to take people how I find them not how I wish they would be. Every time I've tried exempting people from that rule because our relationship is supposed to be "x" or "y" instead of the "L" it actually is has come back to bite me every single time even with my own mother.
Click to expand...
Bolded, underlined and italicized for emphasis. I like this line a lot and going to add it to my list of life quotes.

And @hopeful's reference to "feeding long handed spoon" is so appropriate to this situation. Only give those haters the bare minimum information about the happenings of your life. They don't deserve to know.
 
hopeful said:
Congratulations on applying for graduate school! That’s terrific and I hope you get in where you want to most. Maybe in addition to baby stuff send her a gift card to a spa or her favorite store or a pretty piece of jewelry? Is she upset about you missing her shower? Or did she understand?
Click to expand...
Awesome idea. I’ll send the gifts and call her shortly after. She isn’t upset but it doesn’t sit right with me that I forgot
I got in!
 
I had a couple of friends go to an outdoor day party recently. Now I have been pretty clear about what I am willing to do and not do during this pandemic. This was on my willing to do list. My friends tell me after they gone and had a good ole time.

I was annoyed that I wasn't even sent the info via text or SM. I got the "We knew you weren't going to come". I asked who told you that? Would it have taken effort to just let me know? I didn't even have to go with them.

Prepandemic we would forward event info to each other and go out together when possible. A couple of the folks who went to the day party have the same boundaries, pandemic, as me so I was curious as to why I somehow was an automatic "No".

Everyone apologized and I accepted the apologies. I'm going to chalk it up to things being social awkward for everyone now, this time. I won't lie it did sting a bit.
 
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Browndilocks said:
I have recently been going on a cleansing journey, primarily with the space inside my home. I am not striving for minimalism but I have gotten rid of a ton of clothes, shoes and products that no longer serve me or that I simply can live without. In doing so, I realized a couple of things about myself. I used to be that friend who would keep the friendship going by always being the one to call and say hi. I would hold on to certain hair products because I knew that "such and such" loves when I do their hair with it, etc. Always considering somebody else and in an afterthought, not truly receiving full reciprocation. I live a lot more unapologetically selfish now. I've set a new boundary with friends and I suspect part of it aligns with decluttering my home.

I had an entire box full of body products packed and ready to give away. I went back inside of the box and starting second guessing getting rid of a lot of the products. That same day, a friend from my past called me out of the blue. Her birthday is in a couple of weeks. By just letting her talk, she told me that she is "not on the same page" as the friends she's been hanging with ... and mentioned that she wants to go to a certain restaurant for her birthday. Guess who she wants to come? Yet I keep digging through that box I'm trying to give away.

Still contemplating products that I already packed, I get a text from another acquaintance. It says "Hey haven't heard from you. Call me when you get a chance." Was it easier for her to text me to call her than it would have been to just dial my number? I don't know, but I put every last one of those products back in the box, sealed it and dropped it off at the homeless shelter.
Click to expand...

Birthday came and went and I didn't call her to say happy bday. :lol: I'm almost never passive aggressive but I hope she takes the hint.
 
@Miss_Luna Congratulations! The ladies have given you some great advice here. I know what it’s like to have a narc mother. The best thing at your disposal is creating strict boundaries. Especially now that you are having a child. You don’t want that kind of negativity impacting your child.
 
I’m feeling really low. My grandmother who is in her 90’s is in hospital. I love her dearly and know that her time is not long on this earth. I hate death.


One of the patients I work with died this week. I am feeling lousy. This lady was 104 so she was ready and she lived her life but I’m finding it hard. I cannot even talk to anyone about it because I know they are going to think I’m crazy. She knew it was her time and gave me a plant to look after for her while she was gone. She was First Nations and she used complain to me about the micro aggression she experienced from the other nurses and nursing assistants. At the age of freaking 104! I know I should feel grateful that this lady told me that I made a difference in her last days but every time she thanked me for being kind to her I cringed. Being kind should be part of every nursing experience. It’s disgusting that it’s not.
 
My meee maw died. I’ve been bawling my eyes out. My granny married at 15 and had 14 kids so she has over 150 descendants. She was surrounded by love when she passed. People travelled from the Islands and Europe and several states to be with her on her last day. So she was not alone.


she was my Shero. She was an anchor when I was a child experiencing trauma and utter chaos. I remember one time my dad dropped us off after his latest woman dumped him and he could not deal. With no dinner in the middle of the night. She was relaxing after a long day managing her store and she was eating her dinner. She gave us her dinner and made sure we were ok.

She was the first person who made me see what normalcy was. Cause my daddy was nuts. He was her first child. I guess she contributed to his own truamas. But I forgive her because she was a child when she had him. In addition she more than made up for her failings with my father by being there for his kids. RIP granny.
 
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