Men-free Zone ~ The Non-romantic Relationship Thread

Something that has made my relationship with my mom frustrating my whole life is that she expects me to want to be like her. Or rather, she uses her life as the measure for everything. That was understandable when I was like 13, but I'm 33 ma'am. Not only am I my own whole, grown person, but I have my own fully established value system. I don't envy other people, nor do I use them to set my own standards. I'm not built that way.

When she feels like I'm not doing what she wants and she wants to pick a fight, she'll try to throw the fact that she was married in her 20s, or that I'm fat and have a lot of debt in my face.

She just neglects the fact that her marriage to my father was trash (I know because I was there :drunk:), they separated multiple times, and it was bad enough that my 11 year old self was THRILLED when they finally separated. So no, I'll take a hard pass on a short failed marriage.

She neglects the fact that her father died and left her a small trust fund that paid for her associate's degree, while I had to pay for my bachelor's degree on my own in the midst of having health issues. She also didn't teach me how to handle money or set me up for success at all.

And we're both fat, sooo that's the pot calling the kettle black :lol:

I have never wanted to be like my mom, ever in my entire life. When she comes at me, I'm like good for you, that ain't got nothing to do with me. She gets so heated, and then I have to deal with her nonsense :rolleyes:.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
My assistant dialed my extension and asked if I wanted to take a sales call (telemarketer). I told her to send it to voice mail cuz my home girl was visiting and we were talking. My door was open so when I hung up we both heard her say "She told me to transfer you to voice mail".

Click to expand...
Got rid of the old assistant and I'm trying to get a new temp up to speed for possible hire. She's done some things that have raised my eyebrow since she started but I think laziness factored into it more than stupidity.

I asked her to order both of us tape measurers that went up to 100 feet. I did tell her that due to the length, maybe it might be easier to get a "soft" tape measure instead of the heavy duty Stanley ones that we already have. This is what she gave me
1619735268643.png

Now I'm already looking at this thing like :perplexed: So I go look what this is up on Beyonce's internet and the first thing I see is "ideal for ages 5-17".:confused:
But I'm like ok, maybe all isn't lost so I pull it out to measure and this happened.
1619736383399.png
I could already see somebody (her) not paying attention and starting to measure from the end of the leather strap and reading off 4 inches too short. While that sounds trivial, actual size can correspond to actual dollars so this could be a problem. At this point, I'm salty adjacent because my assistant should have caught this (or not ordered a k-12 product) before giving it to me but ok, fine. I explain to her what the problem is and tell her to send this back and get a replacement. This is the message she sends me.

She: "I found this one (inserts link) but it's 6 ft only.
Me: looks at item in link "This one looks inconvenient to use. You have to unroll this several inches before the 1 inch mark pops up."

1619737575302.png

She: The others I see are like the green one.
Me: Stanley makes a 100 ft tape measure, get one of those.

I didn't even mention that I said we needed one that went to 100 ft, why would you even show me one that's 6 feet? I have had the conversation with her that I don't mind her asking me questions if she's thought her way through something and hit a road block but I need someone who can think through these things so I have more time to post on the LHCF get other work done.
 
ckisland said:
Something that has made my relationship with my mom frustrating my whole life is that she expects me to want to be like her. Or rather, she uses her life as the measure for everything. That was understandable when I was like 13, but I'm 33 ma'am. Not only am I my own whole, grown person, but I have my own fully established value system. I don't envy other people, nor do I use them to set my own standards. I'm not built that way.

When she feels like I'm not doing what she wants and she wants to pick a fight, she'll try to throw the fact that she was married in her 20s, or that I'm fat and have a lot of debt in my face.

She just neglects the fact that her marriage to my father was trash (I know because I was there :drunk:), they separated multiple times, and it was bad enough that my 11 year old self was THRILLED when they finally separated. So no, I'll take a hard pass on a short failed marriage.

She neglects the fact that her father died and left her a small trust fund that paid for her associate's degree, while I had to pay for my bachelor's degree on my own in the midst of having health issues. She also didn't teach me how to handle money or set me up for success at all.

And we're both fat, sooo that's the pot calling the kettle black :lol:

I have never wanted to be like my mom, ever in my entire life. When she comes at me, I'm like good for you, that ain't got nothing to do with me. She gets so heated, and then I have to deal with her nonsense :rolleyes:.
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The bolded is my mom. She does the same thing. I'm 33 too, engaged and when she's in a certain mood she'll try to tell me how my marriage and life are going to be, based on how hers went and I'm like, I'm a different person from you, FH is different from my dad, we're different people in a different situation/relationship and how your life turned out is going to be different from mine. It already is. And she also throws the fact that she got married in her 20s in my face which used to make me insecure but doesn't now.

I could go on. I just wanted to say, you're not alone. :bighug:
 
ScorpioBeauty09 said:
The bolded is my mom. She does the same thing. I'm 33 too, engaged and when she's in a certain mood she'll try to tell me how my marriage and life are going to be, based on how hers went and I'm like, I'm a different person from you, FH is different from my dad, we're different people in a different situation/relationship and how your life turned out is going to be different from mine. It already is. And she also throws the fact that she got married in her 20s in my face which used to make me insecure but doesn't now.

I could go on. I just wanted to say, you're not alone. :bighug:
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Thank you! I needed that hug :kiss:
 
Crackers Phinn said:
Got rid of the old assistant and I'm trying to get a new temp up to speed for possible hire. She's done some things that have raised my eyebrow since she started but I think laziness factored into it more than stupidity.

I asked her to order both of us tape measurers that went up to 100 feet. I did tell her that due to the length, maybe it might be easier to get a "soft" tape measure instead of the heavy duty Stanley ones that we already have. This is what she gave me
View attachment 471763

Now I'm already looking at this thing like :perplexed: So I go look what this is up on Beyonce's internet and the first thing I see is "ideal for ages 5-17".:confused:
But I'm like ok, maybe all isn't lost so I pull it out to measure and this happened.
View attachment 471767
I could already see somebody (her) not paying attention and starting to measure from the end of the leather strap and reading off 4 inches too short. While that sounds trivial, actual size can correspond to actual dollars so this could be a problem. At this point, I'm salty adjacent because my assistant should have caught this (or not ordered a k-12 product) before giving it to me but ok, fine. I explain to her what the problem is and tell her to send this back and get a replacement. This is the message she sends me.

She: "I found this one (inserts link) but it's 6 ft only.
Me: looks at item in link "This one looks inconvenient to use. You have to unroll this several inches before the 1 inch mark pops up."

View attachment 471769

She: The others I see are like the green one.
Me: Stanley makes a 100 ft tape measure, get one of those.

I didn't even mention that I said we needed one that went to 100 ft, why would you even show me one that's 6 feet? I have had the conversation with her that I don't mind her asking me questions if she's thought her way through something and hit a road block but I need someone who can think through these things so I have more time to post on the LHCF get other work done.
Click to expand...
Maynnnnn just when I got this chick up to speed she decided to get too comfortable and show her entire :moon: She has been late almost every day for 2 weeks. I wish I could get rid of her expeditiously but we just hit the beginning of the very busy project I brought her in for and I need the extra body with the month's worth of training invested for at least the next six weeks. This was supposed to be a temp to perm situation but she obviously don't want the job.
 
I thought this was kind of funny: So a couple weeks ago I was out in my neighborhood getting some exercise speed walking. I usually run but I hurt my knee so I'm just getting back into it. Anyway, this truck stops with this black couple in it and they are trying to get my attention. Now, I am AMAZED because I live in a gated community and in four years I've only seen maybe two other black people.

Well, they looked harmless enough so I stopped to talk to them. Turns out they just moved to the community four months ago and the wife was wondering if I wanted to be walking buddies. I'm really more of a lone wolf, but I thought, hey, I can walk with her on occasion. So I said, "Sure, here's my number. Call me when you want to go walking." Her husband showed her how to put my number into her phone. I'd guess she was in her upper 50's but she didn't seem to be too tech savvy. Anyway, I told them that I was happy to see some more melanin in the community and went about my walk.

When I got to my phone, I saw a missed call. I figured it was her, so I called back to say, "Hey, I got your name and number in my phone now." Anyway, she said, "Oh, I was wondering if you and your husband wanted to come over tomorrow for a crab boil, and we can talk about going walking." Now, I'm thinking, Lady, I just met you. I don't know yet if you have nasty kitchen habits or if you and your husband are insane. AND we are still in a pandemic. I turned down her offer and basically just put it off on my husband. I said that he isn't really the social type. But I told her to call me in the future whenever she wanted to meet at the park and go walking. Well, that was a couple weeks ago, and she never did call. :look:

What was that? Has anyone here ever had someone they just met immediately invite them over to their house for food? The lady had a New Orleans number, so maybe that's how they get down in the South, but I am from California and I'm not that welcoming :drunk:
 
@Nay I’m more like you and it takes me awhile to warm up to people. I also prefer to walk alone. She didn’t realize she was lucky that you gave her your number and that you were open to walking with her. I think that they may just be really friendly and that crawfish boils is a way that they socialize. Hopefully you will bump into them again and can start over. They probably think you aren’t friendly. You probably feel like they are too pushy. Both may or may not be true. If you are interested in getting to know her maybe invite her to meet you for a cup of tea or coffee at a nearby place to chat and feel each other out?
 
hopeful said:
@Nay I’m more like you and it takes me awhile to warm up to people. I also prefer to walk alone. She didn’t realize she was lucky that you gave her your number and that you were open to walking with her. I think that they may just be really friendly and that crawfish boils is a way that they socialize. Hopefully you will bump into them again and can start over. They probably think you aren’t friendly. You probably feel like they are too pushy. Both may or may not be true. If you are interested in getting to know her maybe invite her to meet you for a cup of tea or coffee at a nearby place to chat and feel each other out?
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I see some people are just pushy and want to push themselves in your life. She went from walking to come to my house.. and the coffee or tea thing is a bit much for me. I would only do that with a clear agenda/topic of discussion on the table. I know if a man invited me on a coffee outing, what his agenda is. A woman would give me pause.
 
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hopeful said:
@Nay I’m more like you and it takes me awhile to warm up to people. I also prefer to walk alone. She didn’t realize she was lucky that you gave her your number and that you were open to walking with her. I think that they may just be really friendly and that crawfish boils is a way that they socialize. Hopefully you will bump into them again and can start over. They probably think you aren’t friendly. You probably feel like they are too pushy. Both may or may not be true. If you are interested in getting to know her maybe invite her to meet you for a cup of tea or coffee at a nearby place to chat and feel each other out?
Click to expand...
Hopeful, if you were an animal, I'd say you would be an owl. You seem so wise :blush: It just threw me that she was acting SO fast. And I really do enjoy walking alone. I be jamming to my R&B oldies. Not to mention, I'm trying to get back to running. She would not be able to keep up!!!

But, seriously, I'm guessing I probably hurt her feelings. I'm not going to call her, but maybe she'll catch me out walking again.
 
Evolving78 said:
I see some people are just pushing and want to push themselves in your life. She went from walking to come to my house.. and the coffee or tea thing is a bit much for me. I would only do that with a clear agenda/topic of discussion on the table. I know if a man invited me on a coffee outing, what his agenda is. A woman would give me pause.
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Girl, for a second I thought, "Are they swingers or something? Why the fast invite. :lachen:" But I think she was just also happy to see another Black person.
 
A coworker told me she is a golf fanatic. I live near a golf course and she plays there often. I was telling her I may go over there one day-just to look. I see the neighbours driving pass in their golf carts and wondered what it looks like as it’s right on the water. They also have a great chef (who had a promising career and several restaurants but lost everything because he is a crackhead- according to the one taxi driver in the town. Everyone knows everyone’s business).

One of my coworker (who seems nice) came up to me and said to get ready as she will be taking me golfing in a few weeks now that the restrictions are easing. I am in two minds about it. I promised myself to be more sociable, less isolated after COVID. But I am so used to being by myself (or just with hubby) so I am already formulating an excuse not to go. To be honest I do not trust people so I keep myself to myself and I am okay with that.

I already do not like 2 of my neighbours. One assumed/referred to my family as “baby daddy drama“ when I said I came from a big family (one of the few times I allowed myself to chat to these people) after his wife said the same and another told hubby he was happy to see us taking care of our property?! Not sure I want to be mingling with these people. They all golf.

Part of me says to get out of my comfort zone and go and ignore the obvious racist microaggressors. Part of me is saying continue to be aloof and keep to yourself, that has worked so far and life is good. Hubby is always chatting it up when the neighbours pass by our yard. I typically ignore them. I am an introvert.

In addition to the 2 incidents above I found dog poo in our driveway and someone stuck 2 empty water bottles into our lawn, upright so it was purposefull. There is empty land near our house and all around where the dog could have pooped or they could have placed the bottles. It freaked me out but DH is not bothered. He said to just take pics and we will see if anything else happens but he doubts it’s anything sinister at this stage. DH has one friend from his office who lives in town and told dh that one of his friends came to him and started complaining ”can you believe a black man has moved to our town!” His co-worker told him THAT black man is my friend and he is a wonderful guy!

Other than those negative incidents the experience has been positive. One co-worker gave me hers and her husbands cell number to call in emergencies after she found out my husband works out of town and only comes home on weekends. Two people gave me plants for my garden and 5 of the neighbours left Christmas presents for us on our porch. Our immediate neighbours are really nice. Their two year old is always trying to run across to me and the grandad and son is always offering dh beer or helping him bring in the heavy building stuff for our basement renovation.
 
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The hog roast was great. We were the only neighbours they invite. I waited for dh as I did not have the guts to go on my own. They are good people. I was glad we went. The mom is a feeder. Kept force feeding us with food and drinks. The patriarch pulled out his book of his Scottish ancestors. Reminded me of dh dad. He talks about his scott ancestors at every opportunity. Even though he looks more Ganahian than Scottish to me.

Yesterday was Father’s Day. I miss My dad. He passed in 2011. Never met anyone with so much love in their heart. I was blessed to be his daughter. May he RIP.
 
I am finally facing that Father’s Day is triggering for me. I hate Father’s Day weekend. I grew up without a father. He was only around the first 7 years of my life and he was a truly horrible human being. My mother never remarried and I also didn’t have a grandfather. I was married for nearly 30 years and during that time I enjoyed the holiday and felt like I was included as my daughters and I celebrated him and his dad. But now that I am divorced, that left out feeling has returned. And I feel a sadness. Facing that sadness versus running from it feels kinda of good. I didn’t let it engulf me or make me depressed. And he died years ago. But I allowed myself to feel and accept the sadness and disappointment of being fatherless, of being the daughter of a terrible and flawed man, of having not experienced love, kindness, or the protection of a father.
 
@hopeful, isn't it amazing how big of an impact our parents have in our lives even decades later and even after they've passed on! My dad died when I was 20, and believe me when I say that he would NOT have won any Father of the year contest either. I went through a period of resenting his memory so much. And it really pissed me off that my siblings were acting as though I was tripping and that he was some kind of great man. Now I rarely think of him at all.

Anyway, I don't really have a point. All I know is that someone somewhere did something right as far as shaping who you are because you are truly someone who I can tell is special beyond measure :bighug:
 
I have recently been going on a cleansing journey, primarily with the space inside my home. I am not striving for minimalism but I have gotten rid of a ton of clothes, shoes and products that no longer serve me or that I simply can live without. In doing so, I realized a couple of things about myself. I used to be that friend who would keep the friendship going by always being the one to call and say hi. I would hold on to certain hair products because I knew that "such and such" loves when I do their hair with it, etc. Always considering somebody else and in an afterthought, not truly receiving full reciprocation. I live a lot more unapologetically selfish now. I've set a new boundary with friends and I suspect part of it aligns with decluttering my home.

I had an entire box full of body products packed and ready to give away. I went back inside of the box and starting second guessing getting rid of a lot of the products. That same day, a friend from my past called me out of the blue. Her birthday is in a couple of weeks. By just letting her talk, she told me that she is "not on the same page" as the friends she's been hanging with ... and mentioned that she wants to go to a certain restaurant for her birthday. Guess who she wants to come? Yet I keep digging through that box I'm trying to give away.

Still contemplating products that I already packed, I get a text from another acquaintance. It says "Hey haven't heard from you. Call me when you get a chance." Was it easier for her to text me to call her than it would have been to just dial my number? I don't know, but I put every last one of those products back in the box, sealed it and dropped it off at the homeless shelter.
 
Brwnbeauti said:
Missed my good friend’s virtual baby shower because I was in the middle of applying for graduate school. Idk how to reignite things. I don’t wanna just send baby stuff
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Congratulations on applying for graduate school! That’s terrific and I hope you get in where you want to most. Maybe in addition to baby stuff send her a gift card to a spa or her favorite store or a pretty piece of jewelry? Is she upset about you missing her shower? Or did she understand?
 
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