Men-free Zone ~ The Non-romantic Relationship Thread

[ckisland]

My sis got my mom and I Valentine Day's gifts. She got me candies that I actually like (I'm not a fan of most chocolates), but more importantly, she got me a stuffed sloth. I know that it's silly, but I absolutely love him much !

 

[weaveadiva]

I'm so frustrated with my friend. She was borderline diabetic for about 18 months but has finally been officially diagnosed with type 2. The doctor said had her blood sugar been 3 points higher they would have admitted her.

She called me last week after midnight and she was in bed eating freaking chicken nuggets and drinking juice.

Me: Girl! What are you eating? We gotta get this under control.
Her: Look, it's hard, OK? I can't do it.
Me: You have to stick a needle in your stomach every night for the rest of your life. That's not enough motivation for you?
Her: Honestly, no. It's not.

Reminds me of @Everything Zen's post about leaning on medicine to live with preventable disease. I mean, I don't know what else to do. I can't want it for her more than she wants it for herself.

 

[kimpaur]

@weaveadiva is she open to therapy? Sounds like she has a food addiction issue that she has no control over.
She is more than likely using food to cope .

 

[Ganjababy]

One of my sisters (and her kids) went through a lot this last year including a divorce. She has been incredibly resilient. She and her kids asked to spend Xmas with DH and this year (if COVID-19 allows it).

So she told my other sister about our plans and now my other sister decides she is coming too. With her kids. Uninvited. This is the sister I bought a plane ticket for on one of our sister trips then she missed the flight and instead of apologizing, accused me of being kind to “show off”. This is the sister that ruined my white coach by spilling a humongous glass of red wine on it and laughed hysterically instead of apologizing. She thought it was hilarious. It never came out so I had to buy a new coach.

So after that I literally panicked whenever she visited. I used to put up with so much of her bull. She would come to my house and say that I am not looking after my man properly and offer to cook him something or suggest that I was not looking after my house properly and start cleaning. My house is spotless all white by the way. While hers is utter chaos with washed clothes and crap everywhere. She would gossip about me with our mother and others. Just a constant poo stirrer. I ignored her behaviour for years. I forgive her because I think she is jealous And she cannot help herself. Plus I really love her kids and it would be awkward for her kids if I stopped talking to her. They are close and visit on their own whenever they feel like it. But since moving to another country and her missing the flight (I feel on purpose). I have decided that I don’t want her to visit me and bring her bad minded jealous vibes into my peaceful home.

She has had therapy about her feelings towards me. But I don’t think it has helped. I am no Longer bothered by how she feels. I just don’t want that kind of aura in my home. At all. It is my sanctuary. On top of that we downgraded to a 4 bedroom and there is no way I can have that many people around me again. The last time we had that much family around I nearly had fisticuffs with the MIL and my poor lil 11 year old niece had to intervene and give MIL a hug and do some granny whispering (even though it was not her granny). So my motto now is one (small group) family at a time for visits.

She does similar stuff to my other sister too. She showed support to the outgoing husband (speaking to him constantly, having him over her house) and never once called our sister to ask her how she was even though the husband is not her relative and he was in the wrong. She has been like this since we were teens and we just shrugged it off but now it’s just too much. By the way she lives with her man. I find her values to be very misogynistic and old fashioned.

I want to tell her she cannot come without being too harsh. When I am annoyed about stuff with the people I love I either say nothing or totally bulldoze them with my pent up anger. I will need to calm down a bit first lol.

 

[Ganjababy]

I'm so frustrated with my friend. She was borderline diabetic for about 18 months but has finally been officially diagnosed with type 2. The doctor said had her blood sugar been 3 points higher they would have admitted her.

She called me last week after midnight and she was in bed eating freaking chicken nuggets and drinking juice.

Me: Girl! What are you eating? We gotta get this under control.
Her: Look, it's hard, OK? I can't do it.
Me: You have to stick a needle in your stomach every night for the rest of your life. That's not enough motivation for you?
Her: Honestly, no. It's not.

Reminds me of @Everything Zen's post about leaning on medicine to live with preventable disease. I mean, I don't know what else to do. I can't want it for her more than she wants it for herself.

I don’t think you can help her in this battle. She will have to want to do it herself. All the information is out there. If she is not following them it’s because she does not want to. You will just have to find a way to reconcile your feelings so that you don’t get your own blood pressure up lol.

 

[BrownBetty]

@Ganjababy
Try telling sis that you can't accommodate that many people at once and yall can discuss a future date for the visit. You can decide when and if you feel like dealing with her.

The husband and couch issue is enough to deal with her minimally and not in your home.

 

[Sosoothing]

@Ganjababy

I remember the story of the missed flight. Have you considered cutting her off? Frankly, she doesn't sound like a healthy being for anyone's mental health.
Meanwhile, send me her info and I'll "kindly" tell her to not visit you.(j/k)

 

[Ganjababy]

@Ganjababy

I remember the story of the missed flight. Have you considered cutting her off? Frankly, she doesn't sound like a healthy being for anyone's mental health.
Meanwhile, send me her info and I'll "kindly" tell her to not visit you.(j/k)

I have put up with her foolishness all my life. I have considered it but won’t because of her kids. So I have decided To tolerate her from a distance. plus the fact that we no longer live on the same continent makes it easier to keep a certain distance. I no longer tell her my business and keep it light when we speak. So I don’t understand why she would assume she can just turn up at my house. I need to tell her I cannot accommodate her before she buys her tickets thought. They are going cheap at the moment...

 

[Reinventing21]

@Ganjababy Wow. My bp seriously went up just reading about your sis! Since she does not priortize your feelings and at times, just outright disregards them, I suggest you lovingly priortize yourself with firm boundaries. You don't have to be mean or stressed, just firm, to the point, and no overexplaining why you want/need what you want/need.

When people are used to walking all over you, your sudden boundary may take them by surprise. Oh well. They will learn to handle the new way of doing things.

Side note: I am floored she just laughed at ruining your Coach bag! I mean she couldn't offer to have it professionally cleaned or put some real cash toward buying you a new one? And she NEVER APOLOGIZED??!!

I used to be like you and can still be that way in that I used to say nothing and then eventually explode. This is unhealthy and unproductive. For me it will always be a challenge and take more conscious effort to freely express my feelings, but being able to set boundaries is mega important life skill. Good luck!

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

I really wish my mom understood how she comes off at times. She's well-meaning but is very harsh in her delivery at times. It puts people immediately on the defensive and is anxiety-provoking. And her timing sometimes is way off.

On Friday my entire family got our COVID19 vaccines. We got J&J so just one dose. I started feeling side effects not long after we got home and decided to go lay down. But she started barraging me with questions about what SO and I want for our wedding after speaking to some friends, including one whose daughter is getting married in a few weeks. I concede that SO and I needed to have a serious talk about timeframes because we're not moving fast enough for our original plan. But this was not. the. time. She only backed off when my dad stepped in.

 

[Ganjababy]

.

 

[PeaceFlow]

Organised a girly get together with my Mom and Aunt. I might try to reinstate a woman only slot going forward. Apart from it being a nice thing to do, I don't like her partner's weird moods...

This has been going on for years and at one point it was definitely bullying, but he seemed new and improved for a couple of outings and I thought things could work.

Last time we all went to dinner he had a small temper tantrum and turned his chair to face away from the table to sulk in protest, which would be OK if he were 5 but he's over 50 .

What do you do if you strongly dislike someone's partner? I mean I've given it time - over 15 years

 

[Evolving78]

Organised a girly get together with my Mom and Aunt. I might try to reinstate a woman only slot going forward. Apart from it being a nice thing to do, I don't like her partner's weird moods...

This has been going on for years and at one point it was definitely bullying, but he seemed new and improved for a couple of outings and I thought things could work.

Last time we all went to dinner he had a small temper tantrum and turned his chair to face away from the table to sulk in protest, which would be OK if he were 5 but he's over 50 .

What do you do if you strongly dislike someone's partner? I mean I've given it time - over 15 years

I would leave both of them alone. Family or not, especially if they insist on bringing that person around.

 

[Sosoothing]

Organised a girly get together with my Mom and Aunt. I might try to reinstate a woman only slot going forward. Apart from it being a nice thing to do, I don't like her partner's weird moods...

This has been going on for years and at one point it was definitely bullying, but he seemed new and improved for a couple of outings and I thought things could work.

Last time we all went to dinner he had a small temper tantrum and turned his chair to face away from the table to sulk in protest, which would be OK if he were 5 but he's over 50 .

What do you do if you strongly dislike someone's partner? I mean I've given it time - over 15 years

Turning his chair the other direction in protest? And he's over 50?
You have given it enough time. The time now is to cut him or them off if she can't hang out without him.

 

[hopeful]

Organised a girly get together with my Mom and Aunt. I might try to reinstate a woman only slot going forward. Apart from it being a nice thing to do, I don't like her partner's weird moods...

This has been going on for years and at one point it was definitely bullying, but he seemed new and improved for a couple of outings and I thought things could work.

Last time we all went to dinner he had a small temper tantrum and turned his chair to face away from the table to sulk in protest, which would be OK if he were 5 but he's over 50 .

What do you do if you strongly dislike someone's partner? I mean I've given it time - over 15 years

Was he the only man there? And is he your mom or your aunt’s partner? Just curious. I think women only is fine. I mean a grown man turning his chair away from the table? What on earth? And if he’s so unhappy he shouldn’t mind being excluded smh.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

I hate wasting my breath giving out all this good advice just for somebody to do the exact opposite then complain to me about what I tole them not to do. My college roommate/good friend is going through it right now and you know what, I gotta limit my call and text time with her for the next month until this situation is over otherwise, we are going to fall out and despite my disappointment in her making things harder for herself than they have to be, I don't want to cut her off permanently.

The common denominator in all of the people who are close to me are simmering passionate natures. Things "work" best if everybody stays on "simmer" or only one person reaches "boil" and the other person wants to bring the collective temperature back to simmer. Me and friend been knowing each other since '92. The last time we fell out was 2001 and didn't speak to each other for almost 2 years cuz she can be Joe Pesci on 100 and I can be Samuel L. Jackson on 100 and nothing good can come of that. With the dumb pooh she's on now, my Nick Fury is quickly ramping up to Jules.

 

[PeaceFlow]

Was he the only man there? And is he your mom or your aunt’s partner? Just curious. I think women only is fine. I mean a grown man turning his chair away from the table? What on earth? And if he’s so unhappy he shouldn’t mind being excluded smh.

On that occasion, my husband was there which is probably why she invited him, to make DH feel more comfortable.

It's my Aunts SO - I think she may be relieved to meet without the guys more since she has to gather him up several times in the restaurant and get him to act right at least 40% of the time. Even then he may be sullen and "off" for the rest of the meal. I don't know how she puts up with it.

He also ruined our little Christmas get together with his moody passive-aggressiveness so I'm ready to stop trying.

 

[PeaceFlow]

moved to health

 

[Reinventing21]

On that occasion, my husband was there which is probably why she invited him, to make DH feel more comfortable.

It's my Aunts SO - I think she may be relieved to meet without the guys more since she has to gather him up several times in the restaurant and get him to act right at least 40% of the time. Even then he may be sullen and "off" for the rest of the meal. I don't know how she puts up with it.

He also ruined our little Christmas get together with his moody passive-aggressiveness so I'm ready to stop trying.

Is he a war vet? I know of a couple of vets who act like that. I know of two women in relationships with one. One of them divorced and the other learned to accept the ptsd etc., issues and adjust.

 

[Ganjababy]

Extended family member has kids - 2 daughters 24 and 18. 24 year was set to do international law at a prestigious university in Europe this year. Tuition paid, and the youngest started university in another city last fall, away from home. Both are pregnant. Parents are apoplectic. Especially with the 18 yo. 24 yo already has 2 degrees (but no career).

There has not been a teen mom in my family for decades (it used to be the norm in my parents and grandparents generation).

 

[Ganjababy]

Organised a girly get together with my Mom and Aunt. I might try to reinstate a woman only slot going forward. Apart from it being a nice thing to do, I don't like her partner's weird moods...

This has been going on for years and at one point it was definitely bullying, but he seemed new and improved for a couple of outings and I thought things could work.

Last time we all went to dinner he had a small temper tantrum and turned his chair to face away from the table to sulk in protest, which would be OK if he were 5 but he's over 50 .

What do you do if you strongly dislike someone's partner? I mean I've given it time - over 15 years

I don’t know how your aunt put up with that. If he was my husband I would put him on a time out immediately. By sending his behind home. Then he would be grounded for good. No outings with me. Saves the embarrassment.

After 15 years I would just invite my aunt....
Though I tried that with a family member who has a narc wife with anger issues. He still insisted on bringing her over whenever he visited. COVID was a silver lining because now we don’t see them...

 

[PeaceFlow]

Is he a war vet? I know of a couple of vets who act like that. I know of two women in relationships with one. One of them divorced and the other learned to accept the ptsd etc., issues and adjust.

Interesting, but no he's not I don't think.

He's Italian through and dramatic.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

My childhood friend is having post partum depression along with sick of lockdown depression with some oh pooh 50 is around the corner so I sent her a Cameo this week. Cameo is where celebrities of varying "letter list" will deliver a video message or voice mail. Normally, I send them for birthdays but sometimes I spring them on people all unsuspecting like. I purchased one from TC Carter (Kyle from Living Single) summarizing her situation and asked if he could just say some words of inspiration. Maynnnn, Mr. Cart-Ter came through with the favorite uncle pep talk, had me sitting up with a thug tear tryna escape from my icy tear ducts.

My brother poo'ed a brick laughing at his birthday message from Gary Anthony Williams who does the voice of Uncle Ruckus.

 

[bellatiamarie]

My childhood friend is having post partum depression along with sick of lockdown depression with some oh pooh 50 is around the corner so I sent her a Cameo this week. Cameo is where celebrities of varying "letter list" will deliver a video message or voice mail. Normally, I send them for birthdays but if I spring them on people all unsuspecting like. I purchased one from TC Carter (Kyle from Living Single) summarizing her situation and asked if he could just say some words of inspiration. Maynnnn, Mr. Cart-Ter came through with the favorite uncle pep talk, had me sitting up with a thug tear tryna escape from my icy tear ducts.

My brother poo'ed a brick laughing at his birthday message from Gary Anthony Williams who does the voice of Uncle Ruckus.

thank you @Crackers Phinn for sharing. I never heard of Cameo... but I’m about to start using this!

 

[Reinventing21]

Interesting, but no he's not I don't think.

He's Italian through and dramatic.

Ha! Funny you mentioned that he is Italian! I know a Greek guy the same way, lol. I had forgotten about him

 

[Leeda.the.Paladin]

A good friend of mine called me today and told me that her mom has stage 4 cancer caused by hpv. Her father has been cheating on her mom and is in the process of divorcing her.

This friend has really been through a lot of tragedy in her life. She feels a lot of despair . I wish I could do more for her.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

A good friend of mine called me today and told me that her mom has stage 4 cancer caused by hpv. Her father has been cheating on her mom and is in the process of divorcing her.

This friend has really been through a lot of tragedy in her life. She feels a lot of despair . I wish I could do more for her.

OMG, I am so sorry for your friend and her mom. I wish I could do something and I don't even know them. That's devastating... and infuriating. Just awful.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

My dad has really come through for me lately. He told my mom to back off and stop triggering my anxiety. He's also been a sounding board for things like our engagement dinner and booking engagement photographers. I got emotional in my therapy session today because he's given me just what I needed: support, validation, and encouragement.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

I hate wasting my breath giving out all this good advice just for somebody to do the exact opposite then complain to me about what I tole them not to do. My college roommate/good friend is going through it right now and you know what, I gotta limit my call and text time with her for the next month until this situation is over otherwise, we are going to fall out and despite my disappointment in her making things harder for herself than they have to be, I don't want to cut her off permanently.

The common denominator in all of the people who are close to me are simmering passionate natures. Things "work" best if everybody stays on "simmer" or only one person reaches "boil" and the other person wants to bring the collective temperature back to simmer. Me and friend been knowing each other since '92. The last time we fell out was 2001 and didn't speak to each other for almost 2 years cuz she can be Joe Pesci on 100 and I can be Samuel L. Jackson on 100 and nothing good can come of that. With the dumb pooh she's on now, my Nick Fury is quickly ramping up to Jules.

Every day no less than 10 texts complaining about a completely avoidable situation and a slew of missed calls. I call once or twice a week at lunch time because neither of us can talk for long. Ain't go have me sitting up here with bad nerves over some foolishness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is a good reason for having a spouse to help shoulder the poo you're going through or keep you out of the poo in the first place. I love my friend but she's ditzy and would be better served by having a functionally balanced man just tell her what to do because she doesn't listen to women. Something that I have noticed is that I can tell her something and it goes in one ear and right out the other. If the old man tells her the same thing then she'll do it. If her male therapist tells her the same thing she'll do it. Hell, she's told me that her therapist said the same thing I did and I was like, how come it made sense when he said it but not me? She thought that was funny. I didn't. So here we are.

 

[oneastrocurlie]

Ever since my step dad lost his son in a mass shooting, they are triggering for him and my mom and recently I feel like they are a little triggering for me as well.

Most folks go back to normal living right after hearing the news but there's so much that goes on after.