Men-free Zone ~ The Non-romantic Relationship Thread

Nay said:
@Crackers Phinn, you definitely did the right thing. I just read a story a couple weeks ago about a woman who gave her elderly neighbor a ride to the hospital and ended up catching the virus and then passing it on to her entire household. Because of that one kind act, she caught it, her husband died, and her daughter was also infected. The elderly neighbor thought she just had a cold.
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One of the men from the synagogue is taking her. He's got a convertible so the whole ride will be with the top down.
 
I am listening to Loni Love's audiobook and it made me think about where and who I came from.

The love language in my family was food which explains a whole lot about my weight issues. The first time my mother and little brother visited me in LA 20+ years ago, I took them to have Indian food for the first time. It was a buffet and I warned them up front that everything was going to look like the inside of a diaper but just give it a chance. Listen, as soon as the first basket of Naan hit the table, they were sold.

My brother reminded me a couple weeks ago about the first time I took him and mama to King's Hawaiian restaurant/bakery. This was the 90's so way before the bread was in grocery stores and they had never had it before. He was like "you kept asking us if we were sure we didn't want our own loaf" and they swore up and down they wasn't going to eat a whole loaf of bread. Maynnn we sat down later to watch a movie and them too bougie adjacent negroes cut slices out of the round loaf. Within 10 minutes half that loaf was pinched away. They was like, "we gotta ship some of this home." I was like mmm hmmm

The one thing done better in Detroit is Chinese food. Hell, I've eaten Chinese food in China and still prefer the gravy covered, fried everythingness of Asian dishes from my hometown. I'm still appalled at the concept of almond chicken not being fried. :mad: I'm sure every hood had the same joke but my entire childhood folks pointed out the lack of cat's anywhere near those restaurants. Still ate there tho.
 
RoseofLily said:
I took a year off from work and went back late last year. During that time off from work, I cut some people off. I was going through major depression and only wanted family in my life. One of the ones that was cut off was my "sister" friend. She called me a few times at the beginning of my time off but I was so down I didn't want to talk. During that year off her father passed. Back at work she reached out and spoke a couple of times, and I spoke back. Now we just walk past each other like we don't see each other. I'm missing her, our friendship. How do I reach out and apologize?
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Reach out and apologize in hopes of accomplishing what? You've already ruined the relationship. It's selfish to reach out to her now, just because you miss her and feel like it. That's like, double inconsiderate because you also didn't consider how she may have felt when she tried to reach out and you went ghost. The fact that she doesn't even speak when you walk by confirms that she's done with you. Now she's always going to look at you sideways, even if you do reach out to her. She might go along with whatever you tell her, and it's great that you got through the depression but it'll never be the same. I would cut my losses and leave her be.
 
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RoseofLily said:
I took a year off from work and went back late last year. During that time off from work, I cut some people off. I was going through major depression and only wanted family in my life. One of the ones that was cut off was my "sister" friend. She called me a few times at the beginning of my time off but I was so down I didn't want to talk. During that year off her father passed. Back at work she reached out and spoke a couple of times, and I spoke back. Now we just walk past each other like we don't see each other. I'm missing her, our friendship. How do I reach out and apologize?
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Even if she doesn't want to rock with you anymore, maybe a heartfelt, "I'm sorry" would let her know that you realize what you did and that you took her for granted. Don't say it with any excuses or caveats or expectations. You two might not get back what you had, but at least you can maybe make it a little less awkward at work.
 
RoseofLily said:
I took a year off from work and went back late last year. During that time off from work, I cut some people off. I was going through major depression and only wanted family in my life. One of the ones that was cut off was my "sister" friend. She called me a few times at the beginning of my time off but I was so down I didn't want to talk. During that year off her father passed. Back at work she reached out and spoke a couple of times, and I spoke back. Now we just walk past each other like we don't see each other. I'm missing her, our friendship. How do I reach out and apologize?
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She’s really hurt, I’m sure of it.
I would give her a genuine, honest apology and see how things go from there.Share what you were going through and apologize for not being there doing her father’s passing.

But don’t expect her to want to mend things.

You’re going to have to put yourself out there and see what happens if you truly want a shot at having this friendship back.
 
I hope everyone is doing well!

I am in a content space, still impacted by the pandemic cause outside is closed in my state but I am doing ok nonetheless. Thanksgiving and Xmas were different, I made due. NYE is going to be quiet but I am going to make the best of it.

Happy New Year!
 
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BrownBetty said:
I hope everyone is doing well!

I am in a content space, still impacted by the pandemic cause outside is closed in my state but I am doing ok nonetheless. Thanksgiving and Xmas were different, I made due. NYE is going to be quiet but I am going to make the best of it.

Happy New Year!
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Happy New Year!! I’m glad that you are in a content space. That’s great, especially considering how hard everything has been.
 
I've made the decision that I have to have a strong boundary with my mother. Over the last year, I've discovered that when she was upset with me she actively spread false information about me to my sister and vice versa, so that my sister would be on my mother's side. Eventually, my mother apologized for, in her words, "whatever she did".

Before I moved, for work, I tried to reach out to her to spend time with her and try to get over this, but she told me that she had a hair appointment and could only spend an hour with me. This was the day before I left on a one-way ticket to a new country.

I also moved to this new country in the middle of the pandemic, alone. I did not spend the holidays alone but my mother doesn't know that. However, she barely called or reached out between Christmas and New Years. When she has reached out, it's while she's waiting to do something or on her way somewhere and she's just trying to pass time. This isn't my first move, but she usually does this and then reaches out more often right before she asks for money or for me to fly her to where I am. That is not happening this time.

I'm an adult. I can handle this and everything else that comes my way, but I can't imagine treating your child this way, I don't care how old they are. The mothers of my best friends have called, texted, reached out, more than my own mom.

It's time to let this go and just love her from a distance. She will always be my mother, but I don't have to allow her to treat me this way.
 
@hopeful Thank you.

Yes, detaching is what I was struggling with, and she keeps saying that I'm "lucky that I have a mom" and how she's getting older, blah, blah, etc.

The guilt tripping is getting old and I'm over it. My job is even more stressful now with more responsibilities, so I don't need to deal with chaos in every aspect of my life. I've gone to a few therapists that have said the same thing re. detaching, as well as family and friends.

My siblings are still trying, but I feel everything so much, that it's emotionally overwhelming to deal with her.
 
It’s funny @Miss_Luna that she’s very clear about what you owe her, but seems to be wishy washy on what she owes you as a mom. It’s a two-way street. Relationships are draining when one person is expected to give more, try harder, turn the other cheek, etc. It’s not as though you are dumping her or never speaking to her again. You are setting boundaries that will help you have more peace. It’s a really hard situation for you to be in. Take it one day at a time and take good care of yourself. The way our mom treats us has a very powerful impact on us and all of our relationships. You have to sort it out for your long term happiness and well-being.
 
@Miss_Luna I was in a similar situation with my mother and through therapy, I was shown how powerless I was to alter her behaviour towards me. Instead I was shown that I did not have to put up with her, even though she was my mother. I have not spoken to her in 3 or 4 years and I feel so much better for it. So much lighter. Sometimes I worry that something is wrong with me because I do not feel any sadness. Neither do I miss her. But then I have to remind myself that I put up with her jealousy, vindictiveness, and cruelty for over 30 years and I deserve so much better. I deserve peace and love in my life and not all the bad vibes that she brought to mine. And so do you @Miss_Luna.

I was talking to someone recently and they told me that my mother contributed to me being homeless when I was 21. She overheard my mother telling the person I lived with to kick me out over the phone. The person I was living with at the time was taking advantage of me and abusing me and instead of being on my side she encouraged them. I never realized how much she disliked me. Not during my teens, not during my 20’s and not during my 30’s. So I gave her loads of chances, giving her the benefit of the doubt. Thinking she loved me. At the very least.


You have control over you and how you react to your mother. Seize that control.
 
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Aww @kimpaur I’m so sorry. This all sounds so stressful. I think all you can do is assure your mom that you are fine now and that she doesn’t owe you any more apologies. There’s not much else you can do. I’ve noticed it’s becoming challenging especially for black families as more of us are seeking therapy but many black folk still wanna pray it away. Take good care of yourself and just do what you can. Your sister has chosen her path and that’s her right. And it’s your mom’s job to figure all of that out. It sounds like she’s had a tough life, which is hard for you to witness, but not something you can fix or heal for her. Sending you (((hugs))) and lots of love.
 
i chop most of my family, out of my life. I have so must peace. At some point it i plan to end my relationship with my dad. I only want contact with 5 to 10 people max.(i have over 20 aunt and uncles on both side of my family. Over 22 first cosuin. I am not in touch with my dad family at all. It has been like from 97 til now. There is only one aunt that care for me. Out of his five bother and sisters. ) I now only talk to 4 aunts, two uncle. One first cousin. My sister and my dad. (My only grandparent is 97 this year.and i am in communication with he most of the time. )My bother is very young and off in college. So it is very rare to talk to him at all. My mother and grandma are died. I only have two good friends.
My life is great and fun. ❤
So time it is best to let go and be your only best friend.
 
It pains me to say this but in the last year I learned that the only one of my brothers who I love is an ain't pooh fornication negro. I pride myself on being a good judge of character and legit didn't think he had it in him but yep, he sure did fool me. The woman who I bonded with as a little sister for nearly 20 years has found herself single with not so much as a goodbye.

I'm not going to put HER business out there but almost every fornication negro thing you can think of is what he did including how she found out she was single. So me and her have kept in contact and my advice to her and every other woman is the best way to get over an old man is to get a new man. We had some raw conversations about what she was planning to do and she's giving herself 6 months of restricting her search to black men only and then she will consider some alternatives. She ain't giving up Jesus so I can't fix her up with anybody I know locally.

I love my brother. I still talk to my brother. He doesn't know that I'm talking to or helping his ex and it's none of his business. Hell, he hasn't even told me that they are broken up. I'm not interested in his side of the story because :censored: him for being messy. I never got too close to any of my other brothers wives/baby mama's because I knew it was going to be a revolving door of women but lil bro put me in a situation where this woman is now my family based on actions she took that many of my blood relatives would have bleeped both of us over so I'm going to do my best to see her in a good place. I HATE that it took several phone calls before I could stop apologizing to her like I'm the one who did her dirty.

Anyway, she's my matchmaking project for the foreseeable future. I didn't realize people were dating during Covid but apparently one monkey don't stop no show.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
It pains me to say this but in the last year I learned that the only one of my brothers who I love is an ain't pooh fornication negro. I pride myself on being a good judge of character and legit didn't think he had it in him but yep, he sure did fool me. The woman who I bonded with as a little sister for nearly 20 years has found herself single with not so much as a goodbye.

I'm not going to put HER business out there but almost every fornication negro thing you can think of is what he did including how she found out she was single. So me and her have kept in contact and my advice to her and every other woman is the best way to get over an old man is to get a new man. We had some raw conversations about what she was planning to do and she's giving herself 6 months of restricting her search to black men only and then she will consider some alternatives. She ain't giving up Jesus so I can't fix her up with anybody I know locally.

I love my brother. I still talk to my brother. He doesn't know that I'm talking to or helping his ex and it's none of his business. Hell, he hasn't even told me that they are broken up. I'm not interested in his side of the story because :censored: him for being messy. I never got too close to any of my other brothers wives/baby mama's because I knew it was going to be a revolving door of women but lil bro put me in a situation where this woman is now my family based on actions she took that many of my blood relatives would have bleeped both of us over so I'm going to do my best to see her in a good place. I HATE that it took several phone calls before I could stop apologizing to her like I'm the one who did her dirty.

Anyway, she's my matchmaking project for the foreseeable future. I didn't realize people were dating during Covid but apparently one monkey don't stop no show.
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Awwww how nice of you. Just be careful to make sure she isn't holding on to him by communicating with you. The association sometimes keeps people triggered. But I'd love to see who you fix her up with. If she knows any better she'd hop at the opportunity for you to play cupid.
 
Ganjababy said:
I cannot wait for all this to be over. I miss travelling. I hope my grandmother can hang on so I can see her one more time. She is in her 90’s
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I can totally relate! I just went to see my soon to be 95 year old Grandmother this past weekend. I hadn’t seen her since October! I kept my mask on and maintained social distance and was glad to have been able to spend a couple of hours with her.
 
Miss_Luna said:
@hopeful Thank you.

Yes, detaching is what I was struggling with, and she keeps saying that I'm "lucky that I have a mom" and how she's getting older, blah, blah, etc.

The guilt tripping is getting old and I'm over it. My job is even more stressful now with more responsibilities, so I don't need to deal with chaos in every aspect of my life. I've gone to a few therapists that have said the same thing re. detaching, as well as family and friends.

My siblings are still trying, but I feel everything so much, that it's emotionally overwhelming to deal with her.
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For your sanity and emotional well being it’s important that you protect your heart. I remember once my Mom saying to my sister and myself that she didn’t like being around us at the same time.:confused:
It later dawned on me why she made the remark.

She was always talking about us to each other.
She NEVER taught us nor raised us to be close. She passed away over 20 years ago and I haven’t spoken to my sister since then.

Mothers can have a way of raising their children to not be close and not realize they’re doing it.
 
Kalia1 said:
She was always talking about us to each other.
She NEVER taught us nor raised us to be close. She passed away over 20 years ago and I haven’t spoken to my sister since then.

Mothers can have a way of raising their children to not be close and not realize they’re doing it.
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My mother did this as well and I suspect that she did it on purpose. I feel like she never wanted to have a situation where we would all gang up on her like she and her siblings did with their mother.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know what love is and I don't feel that for my two older brothers. If I could have prevented something from happening to them without putting myself at risk I would have only on the strength of what I consider basic decency that I would show towards anybody. My older brother died last year and I mourned the memory of when I felt anything good about him but not him as a person. I don't ever want to see or talk to my remaining older brother again in my life. Me and my younger brother built our relationship after I left home for college because there was no way to do it under my mothers roof.
 
I have this friend but I secretly thinks she's s frienemy. She's always having issues, car issues, paying rent issues, baby daddy issues, kids issues. So she reaches out to me if I can take her here or there. So when I do she start's making comments while she's in my car saying she's sick and its my car making her sick. Then I added her as a visitor per her request on my Planet Fitness membership she wants to go into the massage chair at the gym and she says you dont have the premium membership just the basic membership so she cant go into the massage lounge. She got a whole man in the house who has a car but she calls me asking to take her to the grocery store and then when we get back the whole man doesn't even come out to help with the groceries, smh.
 
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@Crackers Phinn some people don’t know how blessed they are to have a genuine loving mother. To not have loving feelings towards your closest relatives isn’t easy to share with others or live with. Yet there comes a time when you have to accept the truth that your family is what it is.

Thankfully I sought therapy and didn’t raise my own children the same way that I was raised. My mother’s actions prior to her death compounded my childhood hurts and left me defiant to NEVER have a relationship with my sister again!

Yet if she was in a life or death situation I would assist her. I’ve learned to accept that familial love isn’t guaranteed and that I will not accept foul treatment from anyone simply because we share the same blood.
 
Kalia1 said:
@Crackers Phinn some people don’t know how blessed they are to have a genuine loving mother. To not have loving feelings towards your closest relatives isn’t easy to share with others or live with. Yet there comes a time when you have to accept the truth that your family is what it is.

Thankfully I sought therapy and didn’t raise my own children the same way that I was raised. My mother’s actions prior to her death compounded my childhood hurts and left me defiant to NEVER have a relationship with my sister again!

Yet if she was in a life or death situation I would assist her. I’ve learned to accept that familial love isn’t guaranteed and that I will not accept foul treatment from anyone simply because we share the same blood.
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I'm just going to share this because I'm sure people wonder. I never particularly wanted children but after a major family event that irrevocably changed my relationship with nearly every member of my immediate and not so immediate family except my younger brother and a few cousins, I made a conscious decision not to have children because it terrified me of what I could possibly birth into the world (no I didn't steal that from BB, this happened over 20 years ago).

My husband would have loved nothing more than for us to have a bio child together but I was already a few years past the high risk age when we started dating and I did give him a sliver of a timeline where I said if it happens between now and birthday X, then it's G-ds will otherwise be happy with the kids from your previous marriage. I'm almost 50 and he still talking bout some "but we could make better kids" :lachen: Before ya'll start, that's a high bar.

I think if I was who I am now (post therapy and mellow) with my husband as who he is today (accepts and understands his role in the failure of his first marriage) back in my 20's or early 30's I would be comfortable with a house full of our kids but that's not how life worked out and I'm actually ok with it. I can't miss something based on a situation that didn't exist.
 
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