Men-free Zone ~ The Non-romantic Relationship Thread

Browndilocks said:
I think in part, it has been sensationalized by reality shows. You own a little boutique or have a T-shirt line and BAM you're in a multi million dollar house with multi million dollar hip hop friends lol.

Another side to it I believe is the success we've seen with lines like Mielle, Carol's Daughter, Camille Rose etc. A lot of seemingly super regular people who have product lines that perform extraordinarily. They demystify a lot of the reward, but I think some people fail to realize or think about what may have happened before-hand.
Click to expand...

I agree. Also, people fail to look beneath the surface. A lot of these multi-million dollar homes are being rented, luxury cars are being leased and these new found friendships are temporary. True entrepreneurship extends far beyond one's social media presence and posting subliminal messages can be a turn off to the demographic they desire to reach.
 
I have been so overwhelmed lately. I know this has been asked several times by people all over the world, but how is it that during a pandemic my social obligations have increased, become even more of a burden, and even harder to get out of? People want to video chat every single day, several times a day. Video calling was already a weird thing to me as I preferred texting, but the use of facetime has risen exponentially during this time.

These are the new reasons for people to be mad at you: not answering video calls, not shouting hello and enduring an awkward, stilted, mostly one-sided conversation with a random husband, toddler or pet that wanders into the camera view, texting only, refusing to meet up for a social distance catch up, and the ridiculous list goes on. It does not interest me to have a friend travel 45 minutes on the train to talk to me outside my window, or much worse for me to do that! Today I got told about myself for refusing a meet up and then for not acknowledging the damn cat! And then I got chewed out again when I made the comment that the cat is fat. :laugh:

Between all these social interactions (about triple the amount when we were allowed to see people in person) and still reeling from misgendering someone (and the almost illogical amount of guilt I feel about that - see my thread in the career forum), I'm too stressed out to say hi and talk baby talk to your damn cat! Come on now!
 
@LdyKamz the people in your life sound stressful. I’ll be damned if someone admonishes me about a damn cat. Her and Garfield can go straight to hades.

Don't be listen to me though. Quarantine has showed me how much I like being alone and I couldnt care less about maintaining friendships right now.

*edited because the typos were ridiculous.
 
Last edited:
My girlfriend relationships has suffered TWICE;

1. The first time was when I was caring for my late Mom whom was suffering from cancer. People were sympathetic but as I turned down more and more invitations to hang out, drinks, trips, etc.... the invitations eventually stopped. I was dealing with major stress, sorrow, and responsibilities, so I did not stress about it. After she passed away, I had to re-build a social life.

2. The second time was more of a shocker to me. When I dated DH and got married, several girlfriends dumped me. Ok, dump is too strong of a word but a few relationships shifted. For example, one friend who would start every conversation by asking if we had broken up yet?
 
I've realized that some people will see you pushing yourself to do better and do more, but will always try to remind you where you come from and that you needed them at some point. This is even when you only wish them well.

I've decided to expatriate from the US, again. This requires a lot of work on my end and relying on friends and family, when they offer to help. One of my family members became upset with me when I refused to attend their birthday party. I am immuno-compromised, in remission at the moment, but I am socially distancing to an extreme because I don't want to get sick before moving.

This family member told the rest of my family that I am going to "need them before they need me" and has completely avoided and ignored me. In the past, I've been disappointed by this person; most recently they showed up 90 minutes late to pick me up for an appointment because they fell asleep. This person has also been furloughed from work so they are free literally all day, every day.

I guess I'm hurt not by the actions of this person, but by the fact that their intention was to see me suffer/struggle. The intent was for me to be hurt because I couldn't rely on them and while I was hurt, I didn't have time to feel sad or sorry. This is my life, not some game. I don't have time to cry and beg for their help, at this point I'll make it work the best way I know how.

Suffice to say, this is the beginning of the end of our relationship. Once I leave the US I don't plan on coming back for a while and this person will not even know when I'm leaving the country.
 
I am so blessed. I grew up in a family that at best tolerated each other and always thought I would just repeat that pattern. It took a long time and a whole lot of missteps but I am surrounded by love and sometimes I just go off by myself and wonder when it's all going to fall apart. Today, I'm celebrating loving and being loved. It's not just my dear old ball and chain whom I love like a fat kid loves candy (and I would know how much fat kids love candy), 99% of his family was accepting on day 1. I even legit strongly like his ex wife who has been an absolute doll to me and now my sometimey :moon: stepson seems to have have warmed up to me since the pandemic started. In this regard, life didn't work out how I expected and that's a good thing.
 
hopeful said:
@Crackers Phinn do you care elaborate on how you created this life for yourself? I am so happy for you.

I love this:

“It took a long time and a whole lot of missteps but I am surrounded by love and sometimes I just go off by myself and wonder when it's all going to fall apart. Today, I'm celebrating loving and being loved.”
Click to expand...
I sought out a therapist to help me deal with the trauma of sexual abuse that I suffered as a child. A side effect of that therapy was to help me focus on building new healthy relationships with both men and women and strengthening the ones that I already had. Everybody who was unhealthy relationship material was cut loose or kept at arms length.

I mentioned my husbands family but I have good drama minimal/free friends whose words and actions demonstrate love towards me and I try my best to demonstrate it back even more.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
I sought out a therapist to help me deal with the trauma of sexual abuse that I suffered as a child. A side effect of that therapy was to help me focus on building new healthy relationships with both men and women and strengthening the ones that I already had. Everybody who was unhealthy relationship material was cut loose or kept at arms length.

I mentioned my husbands family but I have good drama minimal/free friends whose words and actions demonstrate love towards me and I try my best to demonstrate it back even more.
Click to expand...

Thank you so much for explaining. I’m proud of you and happy for you. Gives me hope and inspiration.
 
I’m really struggling and need to find a therapist at this point.

If anyone can share suggestions... I do not care where they are (as long as they accept insurance).

I have been searching and researching, checking for reviews, credentials, and if they accept insurance (or not). I feel lost in a sea of options.

I just need a straightforward therapist who is passionate about helping with a focus on relationship issues, emotional/psychological abuse, gaslighting etc.
 
@acapnleo - Have you tried either?

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists

https://www.therapyforblackgirls.com/gd_therapist/

The last time I was on psych today you could search by insurance, distance, race, gender... since most therapist are offering video sessions it may be a little quicker to find someone. Good luck and I hope you are doing something to comfort yourself until you find a therapist.

I've found that meditation has been very helpful lately, check out the insight timer app.
 
BrownBetty said:
@acapnleo - Have you tried either?

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists

https://www.therapyforblackgirls.com/gd_therapist/
The last time I was on psych today you could search by insurance, distance, race, gender... since most therapist are offering video sessions it may be a little quicker to find someone. Good luck and I hope you are doing something to comfort yourself until you find a therapist.

I've found that meditation has been very helpful lately, check out the insight timer app.
Click to expand...

@BrownBetty The top link, yes, but in my area- I feel like the options are very minimal and I am concerned about the therapist and I being able to “connect”. When I try to locate reviews there’s not much to provide me insight and it has felt so overwhelming!

In the past I just stop searching. I really need to locate someone this time, stopping isn’t an option. I’m going to check the bottom one though, thank you! :)
 
@acapnleo
(((Hugs))) hang in there and absolutely do not give up. I would also suggest not getting too hung up on the race or gender of the therapist. And don’t get too hung up on finding the perfect therapist. Focus on getting help for yourself. And take it one session at a time. If one therapist works for a while but then the progress stalls it’s ok to move on and find someone else. I’ve found that some of the best therapists have their own websites that show their personality and their expertise. Lots of therapists don’t take insurance but some have a sliding scale. You could miss out on a really good person focusing too much on insurance. The right person is often worth every penny spent out of pocket.

I wish you the best. Don’t give up! You got this! You deserve help and support. In the meantime I recommend the following books: Codependent No More by Melody Beattie; Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft; How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.; and Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

You may also find comfort from these YouTube channels:

Jerry Wise Relationship Systems Coaching
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZWHfOsTVegeEFEXV56llWA

and Vital Mind Psychology, Abdul Saad, a clinical psychologist from Australia
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC_P8aFACl-VqJl0flQPGMQQ

Look for their videos that talk about narcissism, empaths, codependency, and self-differentiation.

And be patient with yourself. Healing takes time. Give yourself all of the time, patience, love, and compassion that you need.
 
Last edited:
acapnleo said:
@hopeful thank you, you made some great points.

Also thank you for sharing those resources, I will check them out as well. Many times it feels like I’m in the twilight zone — anyway, thank you very much!
Click to expand...

You’re welcome. And I understand. It’s like finally waking up and coming out of a fog. You are going to be ok. Come back and write as often as you need to. You are not alone dear. Many of us have been where you are now. Keep going, be determined to heal and to be happy.

This website may be helpful to you as well: https://outofthefog.website/
 
I have 3 brothers. I dislike one of them so much. He is my second youngest brother. He has had a hard life. I tried to overcompensate for years by trying to be there for him. But he is so bitter. Acting like I birthed him. Once told someone that he hoped that my house would burn down on me and dh. I had enough of his foolishness and gave up about 2 years ago. He is such a loser. I have no respect for him as a man.

I blocked him on all s social media. I thought. But got a message on Instagram from him yesterday. He said that if I get COVID to say hi to our dead dad.

I was surprised but I’m so unfazed. Never been happier and more contented in my life. He is not doing bad either. He got some low self esteem woman with means to marry him. I don’t know why he is bothering me...
 
Last edited:
I’ve reached out to a few providers. Only one has responded back so far to tell me their plate was full. I appreciated the follow up - and they offered a peer recommendation. I liked how they followed up right away and communicated with me vs leaving me hanging, which seems to be more common than not :(
 
acapnleo said:
I’ve reached out to a few providers. Only one has responded back so far to tell me their plate was full. I appreciated the follow up - and they offered a peer recommendation. I liked how they followed up right away and communicated with me vs leaving me hanging, which seems to be more common than not :(
Click to expand...

Yeah, unfortunately that was my experience when I tried to find a provider within my insurance network :( it's part of the reason I decided to go ahead and schedule with a therapist my friend recommended even though it meant I would be paying out of pocket.
 
acapnleo said:
I’ve reached out to a few providers. Only one has responded back so far to tell me their plate was full. I appreciated the follow up - and they offered a peer recommendation. I liked how they followed up right away and communicated with me vs leaving me hanging, which seems to be more common than not :(
Click to expand...

It seems ironic to me for a therapist to ignore someone in need of mental and/or emotional support. Doesn't take too much time to let them know you can't accommodate them.
I'm sorry that's your experience. Don't give up (hug).
 
acapnleo said:
I’ve reached out to a few providers. Only one has responded back so far to tell me their plate was full. I appreciated the follow up - and they offered a peer recommendation. I liked how they followed up right away and communicated with me vs leaving me hanging, which seems to be more common than not :(
Click to expand...
When I was looking for a therapist I was struck by this too. It seemed very...harmful (not quite the word I'm looking for but it'll do) and irresponsible for therapists to do that and I was shocked by it. When I had a consult with one and mentioned it she shamlessly told me she did the same. When I asked her why she just shrugged about not having time. She turned out to be a dud but even if she wasn't, her admission of ignoring prospective patients/clients would have made me pass on her. In fact, not responding is likely an indication of the kind of therapist they'll be.

Please don't give up because it will be so worth it once you find someone you like. :bighug:
 
You need the folks who truly love you to remind you that you are out here doing the damn thing!

I have had my head down, just trying to survive the pandemic and my anxiety but in the last year I have been doing it! I have met 2 major goals. My gf just sent me a message saying that I have been on it for the last year. I didn't even realize it till she said something.

2020 has been a dumpster fire but we can still find joy!

I hope everyone is doing well!
 
My father died when I was five. My mother died when I was a teenager. My grandmother raised me in her house until I was 17 and her 2 youngest daughters, my mother's little sisters, my own aunts, who are older than me, with families and lives of their own, still manage to be jealous of my presence and every accomplishment I make. Got kids damn near my age but will jump through hoops to attack and insult me and think they can passive aggressively compete with me. Its crazy.
 
@Browndilocks that sucks! But I discovered that most people only focus on where you are at currently and conveniently forget/ignore all that you have been through and have survived. I am sorry they are not more loving and supportive. You deserve kindness and compassion (((hugs))).
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

SurferBabe
Life Lessons Learned The Hard Way: Dating & Relationship Edition
2
Replies
57
Views
2K
julzinha
julzinha
mischka
The Five Un-Romantic Keys to a Happy Relationship
Replies
24
Views
817
SerenavanderWoodsen
SerenavanderWoodsen
SurferBabe
  • Sticky
Thread for the heartbroken
40 41 42
Replies
1K
Views
51K
PatDM'T
PatDM'T
LadyBlu
Playing The Game
Replies
9
Views
297
amara11
A
Cincysweetie
Someone Please Explain the Whole "Friends First" Thing to Me
Replies
20
Views
672
erokawa
erokawa
Back
Top