Men-free Zone ~ The Non-romantic Relationship Thread

[Crackers Phinn]

That post I'm not go quote reminded me of something.

Listen, I acknowledge that pets can be like members of the family even if I don't truly "get it". That said, it's a job for me to keep a neutral face when I'm listening to the in-laws talk about taking the dog to get a MRI and the Oncologist visits as they prepare it to go into chemo.

It's their money and they won't notice it's gone but as I sit back tryna be an ear of support while in the back of my head I'm like this lil ninja is 18 and the life expectancy for his breed is 16 max. All this medical treatment will probably do is keep the dog alive an extra week or two. I mean I guess.

 

[TwoSnapsUp]

A few days ago I decided to test a friend’s loyalty. I gave her a situation, that when it was the other way around, I made sure not to leave her hanging. I did this because I wanted to know what she would do and I wanted to know if she would lie about her actions.

She failed miserably.

Going forward, I am only loyal to myself and only care about MY OWN best interests. No one else. I can be loyal, but I also know how to be cut throat and not give one F. I have been too nice to people who truly don’t deserve it.


The day ones who have been consistent will still get my loyalty, but everyone else can truly kiss it.

 

[BrownBetty]

When you are adjusting to your new schedule and forget to call your cleaning lady. Now here I am cleaning up on a warm Saturday.... ugggh.

 

[kimpaur]

...

 

[Crackers Phinn]

@kimpaur
You can always find another meeting to go to. I never did AA but I went to an OA meeting about 20 years ago where this white woman said that "when she looked at me she appreciated how far she had come with getting her eating under control." I cussed her out and left. I'm sure I was the mean fat black b but I felt better and found another meeting to go to.

The problem with letting line steppers slide, whether they are racist or just run of the mill buttholes is they become habitual line steppers until the line lands upside their head or foot deep in their behind.

 

[LdyKamz]

@kimpaur I went to a CODA meeting in my neighborhood once and the person who ran the group was racist. I was the only black person but not the only minority and I feel like she enabled all the other people to feel comfortable spewing their racism about black people. These Asian, Hispanic and Indian people came together to talk crap about how some random black person came into their lives and burned everything to the ground. And how we're destructive and all that. It was ridiculous.

One of the last times I went I mentioned I might not return. They all encouraged me to stay and I told them point blank "these meetings are supposed to help me but they are triggering in different ways and causing a whole new set of problems and since I'm not here to stifle anyone else's process y'all can go on being racist without me." I went once more after that and they all apologized and spent the entire group all over me and it was even more uncomfortable. Never went back.

 

[Ganjababy]

Crackers I know it’s not funny but your post had me laughing my head off. You are so funny.

I go to something similar. I am always the only black person. I did experience one woman who seemed hostile towards me once but the men kinda made up for her aloofness. But otherwise my experience has been that they are overly friendly which can sometimes come across as compensatory, which can be a bit uncomfortable too.

You may change meetings but still be the only black person. I would try other meetings (if available, al anon meetings are not that numerous). So if there are no other meetings nearby I would continue going. It is worth the hassle. I would think of a way to low key/nice/nasty way to confront this person if she continued to be nasty. Do it in front of the group when it’s your time to share. Link it back to your experience somehow you deserve to be there as much as anyone else.

Though to be honest I would just come out and say hey lady! Your comments make me feel uncomfortable and unwelcome at this meeting. Can you tone it down a bit please? I have as much right to be here as you do.

But you may not feel comfortable with this approach though. As I get older my new attitude comes with years of putting up with people’s bull and having enough lol. Not sure if you are there yet if you are in college. But you could give it a try. She will back off. Probably play the victim at first but she will get the message.

Though I think now that you have shared and she ‘see’ you she may back off. But her nastiness will rear it’s ugly head when another black persons joins the group...

 

[kimpaur]

Thank you ladies, I appreciate all of your replies <3

 

[Ganjababy]

I hope this lovely lady ended up on my 600lb life

this white woman said that "when she looked at me she appreciated how far she had come with getting her eating under control."

 

[oneastrocurlie]

I was a little disappointed that a friend was going to the (canceled a mere hour before it was supposed to start) Chris Brown concert. The drug addicted, woman beating, dark skin hating Chris Brown?

I guess.

 

[PeaceFlow]

Apologized to a good friend today.

Haven't been myself recently and have been snappy/moody a few times this year. My current job is crazy stressful but it's not an excuse.

They said it's OK, but it's not OK because I know I can do better and I will.

 

[RoundEyedGirl504]

Got to catch up with some old friends today. We all have sons around the same age. It was nice to have that kind of group so the kids can play and mamas can catch up. Have to do that more often!

 

[Nay]

Don't you hate it when you vent to someone about your feelings regarding what someone else did (or didn't do). You specifically tell the person, "Don't say anything to X." And (in the name of helping) they mention your gripe!!!

Anyway, my husband and I worked our butts off for four months getting my mother-in-law's rental property ready to sell. The previous tenants were living like hoarders and the place was truly a hell hole. When I say we worked HARD (both personally and managing contractors, doing research, traveling), I mean we really put our backs into it. In the end, the place sold for a very good price and all ma had to do was cash her escrow check.

She repeatedly told my husband thank you, but never personally said thank you to me. If you are too shy to call me (after damn near 30 years), a Hallmark card or a handwritten note saying, "Nay, thanks for all your hard work" would have sufficed. But I got nada.

Well, I know she likes me and thinks I'm swell, but it made me feel some kind of way that she never personally said thank you, and I let my feelings be known to my husband. It's five months later, and if I think about it, I still get a little salty.

He didn't say anything to her about it at first, but recently he must have mentioned it because all of a sudden she finally said something. Heiffer, your thanks feels a little hollow now five months after the fact. I already saw that you ain't got no home training. And, husband, I see that I can't trust you to keep your pie hole closed!!!

Anyway, I'm just venting. The moral of my little tirade: Tell folks thank you, y'all. And do it in a timely manner.

 

[mrselle]

@Nay my husband's entire family is like this. I understand.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

@Nay Does your husband have any sisters or are there just more men in the family than women? My mother (who had 3 boys 1 girl) was like that to every chick my brothers were with in-laws or not. "Thank you" was for menfolk.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I called my MIL "Mom" (Ema) for the first time after knowing her almost 10 years during Rosh Hashanah dinner. The room went silent and she hugged me. It was my New Years resolution to dole out some affection so there you go. She's been trying to "mother" me since my moms passed and I was polite but kept her in the friendzone about it. Welp, I find myself wanting some mothering and if she's giving it out for free then I'ma take it. Who knows, I might mess around and get put in the will.

 

[oneastrocurlie]

I have a friend who plans things super early. Like asking about availability in January for a party in December early. Today she asked about availability for a Valentine's day couple thing. Ma'am we haven't even made it to Halloween yet. I'm not even 100% sure what I'm doing for Thanksgiving and you're already in 2020. Like life happens and some people could be single by Valentine's day next year. #toosoon

 

[Nay]

@Nay Does your husband have any sisters or are there just more men in the family than women? My mother (who had 3 boys 1 girl) was like that to every chick my brothers were with in-laws or not. "Thank you" was for menfolk.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I called my MIL "Mom" (Ema) for the first time after knowing her almost 10 years during Rosh Hashanah dinner. The room went silent and she hugged me. It was my New Years resolution to dole out some affection so there you go. She's been trying to "mother" me since my moms passed and I was polite but kept her in the friendzone about it. Welp, I find myself wanting some mothering and if she's giving it out for free then I'ma take it. Who knows, I might mess around and get put in the will.

My husband has one sister and one brother. I don't think his mom has more "respect" for men. She's just funny style as far as our relationship. She brags about me to her sisters, says I'm "better than a daughter." She really does probably think she loves me in her own way, but we just really don't have anything that's too deep. It's like she sees me as an extension of her son, but has never put in the effort to really get to know ME. I used to try early on, but I got tired of one-sided conversations. And I can only sit on the couch and smile for so long as you all rehash old stories about grandpa and the good old days.

But I'm sure she does like me. So if her other grabby kids don't swoop in and pick her clean before she dies, I'm pretty sure me and hubby will get our share of the pie when the time comes and the will is read I just can't expect any meaningful heart to heart talks -- or thank you's!

 

[hopeful]

I have a friend who plans things super early. Like asking about availability in January for a party in December early. Today she asked about availability for a Valentine's day couple thing. Ma'am we haven't even made it to Halloween yet. I'm not even 100% sure what I'm doing for Thanksgiving and you're already in 2020. Like life happens and some people could be single by Valentine's day next year. #toosoon

My daughter is like this with the holidays .

 

[Nay]

Update to my story about MIL.

Okay, so today MIL's sister called my husband to ask for a recommendation for an HVAC guy. She said, "Could you ask Nay to find someone for me. I know she does all the research. Tell her I'll be sure to give her something for her time." So obviously MIL had my name in her mouth the last time she talked to Auntie, probably complaining about me needing to be"thanked."

Really! See why husbands should keep private conversations with their spouses private. Why don't you cows just leave me alone and log onto Yelp and find your own darn contractors.

 

[mrselle]

@Nay, your MIL's sister sounds messy.

 

[LostInAdream]

I am DONE with my mother. She crossed the line and she no longer exists to me. I saw this coming for some time now. I am somewhat relieved but have to deal with legal proceedings against her.

 

[Nay]

@LostInAdream, that's rough. It sucks when family disappoints/hurts us to the point where we feel like cutting contact is the best option. Do what you have to do to bring peace back into your life.

 

[hopeful]

(((@LostInAdream)))

 

[Crackers Phinn]

That post I'm not go quote reminded me of something.

Listen, I acknowledge that pets can be like members of the family even if I don't truly "get it". That said, it's a job for me to keep a neutral face when I'm listening to the in-laws talk about taking the dog to get a MRI and the Oncologist visits as they prepare it to go into chemo.

It's their money and they won't notice it's gone but as I sit back tryna be an ear of support while in the back of my head I'm like this lil ninja is 18 and the life expectancy for his breed is 16 max. All this medical treatment will probably do is keep the dog alive an extra week or two. I mean I guess.

The chemo treatments brought on breathing problems so Minka went on to her never ending sleep today. She had a good run. I went with the in-laws to the vet and we are heading off to Shabbat service soon.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

In happier news me and my homegirl got our tickets to see Belinda Carlisle perform. We go be the only two black folks there but it's go be poppin!!!!

 

[Ganjababy]

I am watching a 90’s movie about a family who welcomed back a pedophile father starring meridith Baxter Birney (remember her lol). I cannot believe anyone would continue a relationship with a pedo. Hence the reason why I have to watch. Even though I am sickened.

 

[bellatiamarie]

VENT: I'm moving this weekend out-of-state. My cousin's ex-husband was at my parents' house and it came up that I was moving. My cousin's ex husband has a RAM truck and he OFFERED (key word: offered) to haul my stuff up there. And I specifically asked both of my parents how the conversation went because I don't want either of them asking NOBODY to do E MUTHA *********** THANG for me! They both said he 'offered.' He told my dad to just get a trailer from u-haul and he'd haul it. Remember the word 'offered' here because it's important.

This was either Wednesday or Thursday of this past week. Yesterday I confirmed with him at church that he'd still be able to do it and he said yes have your dad call me. So this morning my dad calls me and said we have to go ahead and rent a truck because <cousin's ex-husband> can't do it.



WHO ASKED HIM TO DO IT IN THE FIRST PLACE??????????? NOBODY EVER ASKED YOU. YOU OFFERED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is why I don't get people involved in my stuff. I make my own plans and my own decisions for this very reason. Nobody ever asked him to do anything. He offered... but don't go interrupting my plans when you never had any intention on doing it in the first place. I'm so annoyed. I don't care that he's not doing it. I never needed him to do it from the get-go but don't go butting into my stuff.

 

[hopeful]

@bellatiamarie wow! What a jerk. Reminds me of the phrase he’s an ex for a reason. He’s your ex relative now and is for a reason. He’s a meddler that can’t be counted on.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

I am watching a 90’s movie about a family who welcomed back a pedophile father starring meridith Baxter Birney (remember her lol). I cannot believe anyone would continue a relationship with a pedo. Hence the reason why I have to watch. Even though I am sickened.

You know how more than one black comedian has made some form of joke about the uncle that the kids know better than to be around or the uncle you don't leave around the kids? You know how a whole lot of black folks laugh at that joke because they know which uncle that is in their family?

That's how families continue relationships with pedo's.

 

[Reinventing21]

You know how more than one black comedian has made some form of joke about the uncle that the kids know better than to be around or the uncle you don't leave around the kids? You know how a whole lot of black folks laugh at that joke because they know which uncle that is in their family?

That's how families continue relationships with pedo's.

That is very disturbing...