Men-free Zone ~ The Non-romantic Relationship Thread

[Miss_Luna]

@Miss_Luna trust your instincts. You've been down this road with her before. Plus, she's married. If she would betray the person she sleeps next to every night, then she would betray you. Like another poster said, you deserve better friends.

I never thought about it that way, but you are absolutely right. I'm taking a break from the guy, for now until I get my mind right, but if I really want to know I'll have to ask him because I doubt she would ever tell me the truth.

 

[Damaris.Elle]

I went out for happy hour with an acquaintance. I like her, but from the past few months I've known her I see that she can be soooo negative. I might have to start limiting the time I spend with her. I've been in a very positive frame of mind lately and I would rather spend my time around people with positive vibes/energy.

So, I've been dodging this girl for the past couple of weeks. She asked when I'm available and I told her I have a lot going on for the next couple of weeks. Or, when asks to meet up, I tell her I already have plans. It's partly true, I do have a lot going on and most of the time she has asked to hang out, I do already have plans. But mostly, I just don't feel like hanging out with her. There's no particular reason, I just.....don't want to. Most of the time when I don't want to spend time with someone it's because something major has happened, like a fight. I think this is the first time I've just felt like cutting someone off without some type of falling out happening. I kind of feel bad about it.

 

[LostInAdream]

So, I've been dodging this girl for the past couple of weeks. She asked when I'm available and I told her I have a lot going on for the next couple of weeks. Or, when asks to meet up, I tell her I already have plans. It's partly true, I do have a lot going on and most of the time she has asked to hang out, I do already have plans. But mostly, I just don't feel like hanging out with her. There's no particular reason, I just.....don't want to. Most of the time when I don't want to spend time with someone it's because something major has happened, like a fight. I think this is the first time I've just felt like cutting someone off without some type of falling out happening. I kind of feel bad about it.

Negative energy is a good reason to cut someone off. Trust your gut she has to go.

 

[RoundEyedGirl504]

I am planning 24 hours of child-free bliss. Booked the best hotel I could find with a spa. Kicking off my stay with a traditional English tea, go relax and shower in the room, 2 hour massage, lay up and drink champagne and eat some delicious food in the king bed, sleep, sleep, sleep some more. Finish off my stay with a brunch. Ooohwee I cannot wait!

 

[hopeful]

I am planning 24 hours of child-free bliss. Booked the best hotel I could find with a spa. Kicking off my stay with a traditional English tea, go relax and shower in the room, 2 hour massage, lay up and drink champagne and eat some delicious food in the king bed, sleep, sleep, sleep some more. Finish off my stay with a brunch. Ooohwee I cannot wait!

Yes! That’s what I’m talking about! I’m so happy for you. Enjoy every moment.

 

[RoundEyedGirl504]

Yes! That’s what I’m talking about! I’m so happy for you. Enjoy every moment.

Thank you! I’m definitely planning to do this regularly!

 

[Sosoothing]

I am planning 24 hours of child-free bliss. Booked the best hotel I could find with a spa. Kicking off my stay with a traditional English tea, go relax and shower in the room, 2 hour massage, lay up and drink champagne and eat some delicious food in the king bed, sleep, sleep, sleep some more. Finish off my stay with a brunch. Ooohwee I cannot wait!

Yes! How lovely! Enjoy every minute sis!
I am so going to do this too very soon.

 

[ArrrBeee]

I am planning 24 hours of child-free bliss. Booked the best hotel I could find with a spa. Kicking off my stay with a traditional English tea, go relax and shower in the room, 2 hour massage, lay up and drink champagne and eat some delicious food in the king bed, sleep, sleep, sleep some more. Finish off my stay with a brunch. Ooohwee I cannot wait!

That sounds so decadent! Enjoy.

 

[shespoison]

I have been experiencing chronic pain for the last 6 months and it has shown me that I have very few friends.

I am usually the one who reaches out and checks on my friends but because pain is distracting, I haven’t been doing that. No one hits my phone. And because I don’t go out when I’m in severe pain ppl only see me when I’m ok. So when I can’t come out because I am in pain ppl catch attitudes.

I am so frustrated and empty right now.

 

[hopeful]

(((Hugs))) @shespoison.

 

[Nay]

@shespoison, it sucks that there are so many takers and not nearly enough givers. Life truly does have a way of showing us who has our back.

 

[LdyKamz]

Why are my family trips always full of drama? I'm laying here trying to get some sleep before I have to go and get on this plane and everyone calling me in hysterics screaming hollering and crying talking about "she said this...she said that...why would she say that to me?.... I'm so hurt". It's distressing and quite honestly downright scary how little self control they all have. I'm feeling anxious and unsafe traveling with all of them now on the day of. When I declined this trip months ago everyone called me a party pooper and now I'm sitting here feeling stuck because I didn't listen when my gut told me not to even bother even though it was a nice idea. I don't want to abandon anyone in what they think is their time of need but I can't take much more of this and don't see how they can't see how much this weighs on me. Or maybe they do and just don't care. Ugh!

 

[mrselle]

Why are my family trips always full of drama? I'm laying here trying to get some sleep before I have to go and get on this plane and everyone calling me in hysterics screaming hollering and crying talking about "she said this...she said that...why would she say that to me?.... I'm so hurt". It's distressing and quite honestly downright scary how little self control they all have. I'm feeling anxious and unsafe traveling with all of them now on the day of. When I declined this trip months ago everyone called me a party pooper and now I'm sitting here feeling stuck because I didn't listen when my gut told me not to even bother even though it was a nice idea. I don't want to abandon anyone in what they think is their time of need but I can't take much more of this and don't see how they can't see how much this weighs on me. Or maybe they do and just don't care. Ugh!

Take care of yourself. I don't know what all your trip entails, but hopefully it's not a long trip and hopefully there will be moments where you can have time to yourself and recharge. People who don't take the time to see things from a point of view other than their own will never understand why a person needs to take care of themselves and they rarely take kindly to hearing "no" to their requests or demands. Enjoy the trip as best you can and excuse yourself from the drama as often as you need to or want to.

 

[lana]

Please don't quote, but feel free to @lana me.

I'm just checking in to say that I started a female friendship that I seriously seriously regret. At the time, I didn't have proper boundaries in place because...I have never needed them. Everyone that I have been friends with before this one person has actually understood normal boundaries between friends. She doesn't. I am taking the blame for how things have turned out because I should have checked her on day 2.

I'm not the type to check someone hard without warning them first, but now I'm at the point where I'm waiting for the next thing to happen (and please believe it will happen) so that I can check her hard and let her know our friendship has reached the breaking point.

But on a bright note, I have become more direct with the people that really matter to me and I can see the benefits already.

 

[RoundEyedGirl504]

I am planning 24 hours of child-free bliss. Booked the best hotel I could find with a spa. Kicking off my stay with a traditional English tea, go relax and shower in the room, 2 hour massage, lay up and drink champagne and eat some delicious food in the king bed, sleep, sleep, sleep some more. Finish off my stay with a brunch. Ooohwee I cannot wait!

This was EVERYTHANG!!! When I got back to the house my aunt was like you are glowing. Nothing like some solo time to recharge.

 

[hopeful]

@lana I don’t think you really need to check her though. Why not just slowly fade out and end the friendship? Why suffer any longer and wait for the shoe to drop?

 

[Ganjababy]

I had a bestie in college who pursued the friendship then dropped me after college. I was confused but I shared the story on here and someone suggested it was because I was agnostic/atheist and she and her husband are pastors.


Anyway she just reached out to me after several years which meant a lot. I was sooo touched that I teared up. But I was a bit salty and referred to her as a beach jokily. She laughed it off but dh told me off after I came off the phone for calling her the b word. Even in jest.

I know my mouth is not good. But I wish he was as defensive on my behalf as he is about other people’s feelings and my mouth...

 

[Ganjababy]

Anyway. I have heard this criticism enough that I am going to try and be a better person. But it is hard not to be ferocious when people hurt my feelings. She hurt me. Because she pursued the friendship then abandoned me when I did not live up to her expectations...

 

[Damaris.Elle]

@lana I'm kind of in the same situation right now and I've been doing the slow fade.

 

[PeaceFlow]

On second thoughts maybe not!

 

[kimpaur]

My sister finally quit her MLM(multi level marketing ) bs and I am so relieved!
I got SO sick of her sharing those damn photos with her "mentors"- a spicy white woman and a white man with a team full of brown(mostly black) folks
Stay woke y'all -these people are out here trying to recruit us

 

[LostInAdream]

Apparently one of my friends is mad I’m not hanging with her anymore. The thing is we never hang as we don’t have the same interests. We’ve known each other since middle school. Besides having daughters who are close in age we have zero in common these days. She has the same mentality since high school and I’m not interested in a close friendship. I attend her daughters birthday parties an occasional meet up through mutual friends. We catch up every 2-3 moths or so but it’s always some drama and I quickly end the conversation. She’s told everyone except me, So I’m going to proceed as usual.

I do plan on telling her if she brings it up. I thought I was clear with my limited contact.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

There's a woman who I try to deal with on an as needed basis who is an absolutely boor. She's a white NYer who converted to Judaism. (Let's call her Fran) Much like many NYers I've come across, Fran believes everything that comes out of her never closing pie hole is the most fascinating thing whoever is in earshot has ever heard.* We will be in Torah study (which I lead) and something always reminds her of her job that she will go on a tangent about. We're in a book club that was supposed to meet up and when I got there a note was outside saying it was cancelled just as Fran rolls up. I was peck-ish and not ready to jump into traffic so I told her I was headed over to a restaurant right next to the freeway and she was welcome to come.

Why did I do that? I know why I did it. She's the annoying ugly cat lady without a cat who people in the community beeline to get away from and I know that she's lonely.

The book for that night was The Hate U Give. So I asked if she wanted to talk about the book while we were waiting on the food. It became quickly apparent that she either didn't read the book or just half paid attention. Unsurprisingly, as I was talking about the book and discrimination it reminded her of an incident at her job. She went to ask some support staff to do something and they told her they didn't appreciate how she was talking to them and a black customer in the vicinity spoke up and said that she was speaking to the group (Black and Filipino women) as though they were slaves. She said her feelings were really hurt because she had brought them donuts that same morning and she cried about it. I told her I forgot about something I was supposed to do and had the waiter box my order up to go, put some money on the table and left. I ain't got time to be nobody's micro aggression therapist. Not for free anyway.

*I do not dislike NYers.

 

[GoddessOfTheUniverse]

I have been experiencing chronic pain for the last 6 months and it has shown me that I have very few friends.

I am usually the one who reaches out and checks on my friends but because pain is distracting, I haven’t been doing that. No one hits my phone. And because I don’t go out when I’m in severe pain ppl only see me when I’m ok. So when I can’t come out because I am in pain ppl catch attitudes.

I am so frustrated and empty right now.

greetings love i dont know you but i saw your thread and can relate. Remember ppl take time to what THEY want to. So if they cant take the time hit u up or come by and see you and you know theyre not busy then are they your real friends or just associates? If theyre not worried the why should you waste your time and energy when you need to be healing. So what if they catch attitudes, who cares, theyll get over and ask you out again or disappear and thats actually a good thing they exited themselves from your life. \

The best advice i received is to not take things personal especially ppl regardless of eho they are, bc they can change in an instance and then youre mad tryna figure out why and they could more than likely care less or have no awareness of their actions. Learn you and your lessons from their interactions and move on.

& if you do your research on gmo food and how it affects the body especially ppl of color, then youll soon realize that for someone to get an attitude bc youre in pain, and not feel sympathy or check on u, over some entertainment, clearly they dont acquire the brain capacity to assess you need rest and care, not outdoor entertainment and the priorities are not in check and the conclusion is literally coming from the food everyone thinks is so harmless. the inability to think efficiently and accurately, mood swings, irritability, lack of understanding/connection with self or others, hormonal changes, mental illness, physical disease etc is steaming from the gmo food, amongst other things, that the body consumes which in turn produces mucous which is toxic to the body.

So if the diet is off so will the thinking from that individual be. Focus on yourself and heal that should be the priority, not worrying about grown children who lack common sense. And you might want to check out your eating as well as it could and most likely be the cause of the chronic pain, unless an accident happened. Hope you get better shespoison

 

[hopeful]

@Crackers Phinn All I have to say is wow! @ “Fran.” What a piece of work.

 

[Ayesha81]

I have a few uptown friends who never want to come meet me in Bk. Yet, they are ALWAYS in Bk and don’t hit me up. Or if they hit me up it’s after they are done with their plans and need a place to crash or they want to know if there is parking in my building.

The first couple of times I was like well maybe it’s something they couldn’t invite me to...until last night.

I went to this event alone because I had no one to go with. I saw my friend's friend and he told me where they were at. I just shrugged it off and stayed with another friend of a friend I’d found.

I saw my actual friend and he kissed me on my cheek and made an excuse about getting water and never came back. I ended up having a really good time with the ppl I stayed with. I am still salty af. I consider him one of my closest friends. He stayed at my house for a MONTH when his apartment caught fire. We have a whole crew of friends in common so I just don’t understand why he treats me like a side friend.

I’m not even going to say anything mostly because I’ve said enough in the past. I’m just going to limit his access to me and phase his fake behind out.

I am sorry about this. Friends are conditional when you are "needy" from my experience.

 

[PeaceFlow]

Theres a black woman I send a couple of messages to regarding work. We seem to be about the same age, nice personality, she looks fly and her weave is on point

I admit when I was young I used to be one of those that used to act cool when another black girl appeared and try not to appear too pressed in case I got rejected -_-

Now I jump on it LOL. Past 3 workplaces I've made friends some really great black women. Chatting it up by the copier and what not Unfortunately this lady works in another city but if she was here I would definitely gear up to going for a coffee. I'm getting a strong "lets stick together" vibe from her.

I love making black connections (and some people of colour have been cool too). When I was young I didn't want to put myself out there, but I am not ashamed these days lol.

 

[BrownBetty]

Hey ladies!

I'm doing better. Work is going well. Tapered off on therapy to 1x a month. I feel better overall.

Do any of you have friends that won't spend $? E.g. my friend invited me to a music festival. We've gone before and purchased general admission tix. We went it was fine but decided this year we would buy VIP. You get seats, shade, dedicated bars and food vendors... etc. This year she wants to buy GA again. Ma'am why are we doing this? I have been hesitant because I am not enduring a 6 - 8 hr day of standing when I don't have to.
If she couldn't swing it I would expect that she would tell me.

 

[RoundEyedGirl504]

I have been reading re-reading Sojourner's Passport/Muslim Bushido blogs to fortify my mind a bit. Since moving back to my hometown life has been really good in many ways. But, one thin I notice is the closer to family you are the more up close and entangled you can become with the so-called "non-reciprocating" persons.

I have a younger cousin who was raised by my mother largely, her mom passed away and her dad is my uncle who is a hot mess. Now, knowing her life history I do tend to feel sorry for her in a lot of ways because she did not get the life experience she could have had with her mom. But that pity is fading, because she will not only consistently make bad decisions but feels entitled to other people being the saviors (mainly myself, my aunt, and her other aunt). And it's tired ya'll. At this point I wish you well but I can't be subsidizing foolishness with resources that could be going to me and mine. And like most people I certainly don't want to feel used or be a crutch. So I had to make the decision to stop giving her money. If she gets in her feelings then so be it, but I am not trying to fall down that rabbit hole that my grandmother was in, and now my aunt of being the family ATM when folks decide they want to spend their money how they see fit and expect you to cover the necessities.

My aunt and I planned a trip to the beach, she decided that she wants to tag along. I said well how do you plan to get there? She says, "Ya'll aren't getting a rental???" Um no we don't need one. Then she says, "oh I can crash in your hotel room with my baby!" Um no that wasn't the plan. And what do you have on it money wise? I told my aunt, no ma'am Pam, we will have to transport, house, and feed her, not in MY budget. This is the mindset I am dealing with.

 

[RoundEyedGirl504]

Hey ladies!

I'm doing better. Work is going well. Tapered off on therapy to 1x a month. I feel better overall.

Do any of you have friends that won't spend $? E.g. my friend invited me to a music festival. We've gone before and purchased general admission tix. We went it was fine but decided this year we would buy VIP. You get seats, shade, dedicated bars and food vendors... etc. This year she wants to buy GA again. Ma'am why are we doing this? I have been hesitant because I am not enduring a 6 - 8 hr day of standing when I don't have to.
If she couldn't swing it I would expect that she would tell me.

Glad you're feeling better!

VIP is the only way to do festivals at this point for me. Otherwise I cannot make it for more than a couple hours. I would pass on GA LOL