Men-free Zone ~ The Non-romantic Relationship Thread

Today was the first time in a few days that I've gone outside. I don't think I've been out since Sunday. Not sure why, just lazy.

I took myself to Starbucks did some writing, then went for a short walk before I stopped in a boutique for some air conditioning goodness and ended up buying some shoes I didn't need. Then walked around some more. It was nice. I feel comfortable and relaxed. Now I'm going to workout at home (too hot for the gym) and then read for the rest of the afternoon. I am trying very hard to set my life up so that everyday can be like today.
 
It is like dating lolol

I've met some lovely people since moving here (through meetup). Its progressing well with all, but I'd say its usually at least a year of meeting one on one before I consider someone a friend properly.

I think it was me who sent the intial message to meet up outside of the group. One of the new women I hang with mentioned recently that she never usually gets peoples numbers at these events. Even though she is lovely and mega chatty it feels too awkward to her.
 
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It's nobody's fault but I got a little choked up in the Kenya Moore/Porsha baby thread. I mentioned going to high school with her and somebody asked me to spill some tea which is fine. I didn't really have any but my first thought was I should ask "Y" if she remembers anything. "Y" died 2 years ago. As a matter of fact, I had 4 friends in high school. We all went to jr high together, 3 ended up going to the same high school and the fourth is my friend who just got married, she went to a different school. All 3 friends who I could have gotten some Kenya tea from have passed away, two of them before turning 40.

I still have long time friends and I've decided to keep the old man until his warranty runs out so it's not a case of "The Cheese Stands Alone" but I just got hit in the feels for a minute.
 
NaturalEnigma said:
I feel the same way. I recently joined a women's small group from my church and I like the girls there, but not sure on how to take it to the next level and invite them to things outside of our weekly meeting. Although I am a loner I would like friends. I just have to remind myself that it is a process to try to get to know someone, trust them and then be vulnerable with them. I would love to just have a best friend today, whom I could share all my secrets with and have someone I can depend on, but I have to approach it like dating and get to know people's character before I give them my heart. I have been burnt in the past with people I liked and became friendly with too quickly, because I wanted a friend just to find out they were crazy, needy, jealous, or vindictive. Just like dating I have to look for red flags.

Thankfully, I have been getting better at this. I can have a few conversations with someone and see that they are not someone I would like in my circle. Its funny because before I use to gravitate to these people. I have stopped myself several times in the past from giving a girl my number to keep in touch because of their behavior, energy, and things they've talked about in passing. Also I'm tired of being the Beyoncé in the group. I need friends that are equally yoked and that will uplift, challenge, inspire and motivate me.
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NaturalEnigma, I can relate to everything you said! It is so very much like dating. You really have to click with people on a lot of different levels. I think when I was younger, I was satisfied with just having someone to do SOMETHING with and I didn't mind the friendship being lopsided (maybe I did all the listening or I came to your area). But now I need it to be more give and take. I don't NEED you, but it would be great if we could mutually enjoy what each other brought to the friendship. Otherwise, what's the point.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that you made a lot of good points that struck a chord with my way of thinking also :-)
 
I agree, it is harder to meet friends at this age than it was when I was younger, in school/living on campus etc. I've had some luck meeting people through meetup and planning things outside of the meetup group and group events. I normally just exchange numbers with a few girls that I click with and maybe start a group chat and we'll plan things that way. We'll text each other to chat/check in throughout the week too.

It can be like dating! Lol. There's been a couple of times where I'll click with someone during the first meetup event and then I hang out with them more outside of the group and I see that they aren't someone that I want to keep hanging out with.

A few months ago, I met someone through a meetup group that I really clicked with...we've been hanging out and going to events together for the past few months. Me, her, a friend and another girl I met through meetup were planning to take a day trip together next weekend. But, when I texted her last week to continue making plans for it she didn't respond. I texted again yesterday to ask if she got my message from Friday and no response. I think I may be getting "ghosted", but it's kind of weird that she would just stop responding. I hope everything's ok. The other girls and I are still planning on going on the trip though and I'm looking forward to it.
 
Another reminder of why I keep my circle small and why there are only a few people in my life I consider friends. Someone asked me to do them a favor. I did it because I know things in her life are hectic. Long story short, the one thing she said she was going to do she didn't do. The polite thing for her to do would have been to call or text. A simple, "hey, I'm running late" would have been fine. Instead I got a half baked apology, which the more I think about it wasn't really an apology. Bottom line, I will continue to trust my instincts. As for her, she's a nice enough person and I do like her, but she has been put in a different category.
 
Nay said:
NaturalEnigma, I can relate to everything you said! It is so very much like dating. You really have to click with people on a lot of different levels. I think when I was younger, I was satisfied with just having someone to do SOMETHING with and I didn't mind the friendship being lopsided (maybe I did all the listening or I came to your area). But now I need it to be more give and take. I don't NEED you, but it would be great if we could mutually enjoy what each other brought to the friendship. Otherwise, what's the point.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that you made a lot of good points that struck a chord with my way of thinking also :)
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Thanks! I'm glad I can offer something that people can connect with. I'm a natural giver too but I tend to attract takers. So I totally get what you mean when you say you want a mutually beneficial friendship.
 
This isn't a big deal but a slight annoyance to me.

Friend #1 texted me yesterday to tell me she told Friend #2 that there are apartments for rent in my building. Technically this is false. There might be later on down the road because they just started renovations on the only vacant unit in my building but that won't be for some time - probably a year or longer.

In the text Friend #1 asks for my landlord's number to give to Friend #2. I told Friend #1 that since my landlord is bipolar and has a tendency to be unprofessional I would text Friend #2 the info but also tell her there aren't any apartments just yet and that I will talk to the landlord as well as keep tabs on the renovation and let her know when to make her move. Friend #1 says not to do this because there are some personal things going on that Friend #2 hasn't shared with me and she doesn't know that Friend #1 is reaching out to me about this. So basically as far as Friend #2 is concerned I know nothing about her calling my landlord to inquire about available apartments. Not sure where she thinks she is getting the number from but whatever. I was totally ok with her doing a cold call if that was the route she wanted to take to maintain her privacy.

However, I get a text this morning from Friend #1 that says "Friend #2 spoke to your landlord and he says when the unit is available he will reach out to you to set up a showing". I was confused. Reach out to me? Why? Did she use me as a referral? Friend #1 responds "Yeah she said LdyKamz referred her". Yet, Friend #2 has yet to reach out to me to let me know she has spoken to my landlord and will be expecting me to set up a meeting to see a unit once it's ready.

I guess I don't really care too much about it but I'm just confused about why she hasn't spoken to me at all. She assumes she got the number from Friend #1, not me and yet still used my name as a reference. Am I wrong to be somewhat put off by this? From Friend #2's perspective, the first time I will hear about her looking for an apartment in my building is when my landlord calls me to say "LdyKamz the friend you referred can see the unit now" when my friend hasn't even told me she is looking. Would any of you do this? Again, it isn't really a big deal but I think Friend #2 should have talked to me. Maybe I'm just not being as understanding about it as I should be?
 
LdyKamz said:
This isn't a big deal but a slight annoyance to me.

Friend #1 texted me yesterday to tell me she told Friend #2 that there are apartments for rent in my building. Technically this is false. There might be later on down the road because they just started renovations on the only vacant unit in my building but that won't be for some time - probably a year or longer.

In the text Friend #1 asks for my landlord's number to give to Friend #2. I told Friend #1 that since my landlord is bipolar and has a tendency to be unprofessional I would text Friend #2 the info but also tell her there aren't any apartments just yet and that I will talk to the landlord as well as keep tabs on the renovation and let her know when to make her move. Friend #1 says not to do this because there are some personal things going on that Friend #2 hasn't shared with me and she doesn't know that Friend #1 is reaching out to me about this. So basically as far as Friend #2 is concerned I know nothing about her calling my landlord to inquire about available apartments. Not sure where she thinks she is getting the number from but whatever. I was totally ok with her doing a cold call if that was the route she wanted to take to maintain her privacy.

However, I get a text this morning from Friend #1 that says "Friend #2 spoke to your landlord and he says when the unit is available he will reach out to you to set up a showing". I was confused. Reach out to me? Why? Did she use me as a referral? Friend #1 responds "Yeah she said LdyKamz referred her". Yet, Friend #2 has yet to reach out to me to let me know she has spoken to my landlord and will be expecting me to set up a meeting to see a unit once it's ready.

I guess I don't really care too much about it but I'm just confused about why she hasn't spoken to me at all. She assumes she got the number from Friend #1, not me and yet still used my name as a reference. Am I wrong to be somewhat put off by this? From Friend #2's perspective, the first time I will hear about her looking for an apartment in my building is when my landlord calls me to say "LdyKamz the friend you referred can see the unit now" when my friend hasn't even told me she is looking. Would any of you do this? Again, it isn't really a big deal but I think Friend #2 should have talked to me. Maybe I'm just not being as understanding about it as I should be?
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I can see how this would cause you to feel indifferent. If y’all are friends why not cut out the middle man (friend#1) and come straight to you?
 
@LostInAdream I figured there is something regarding her relationship that she is keeping close to her vest for now and doesn't want to share with our circle yet. I'm ok with that she doesn't have to tell me anything. But to still use me as referral even though you are basically trying to go around me? It's weird and is a little sketchy and out of order, no?

The example I used when explaining to Friend #1 was: It's like me applying for a job with your company and not telling you but putting you down as a reference to move my application through. It just seems sneaky and weird. Eventually you'll find out sooooo why wouldn't I just tell you in the first place. She said it's not the same. Maybe it's not. Either way I guess it doesn't matter but I'm still scratching my head over this one.
 
Damaris.Elle said:
I agree, it is harder to meet friends at this age than it was when I was younger, in school/living on campus etc. I've had some luck meeting people through meetup and planning things outside of the meetup group and group events. I normally just exchange numbers with a few girls that I click with and maybe start a group chat and we'll plan things that way. We'll text each other to chat/check in throughout the week too.

It can be like dating! Lol. There's been a couple of times where I'll click with someone during the first meetup event and then I hang out with them more outside of the group and I see that they aren't someone that I want to keep hanging out with.

A few months ago, I met someone through a meetup group that I really clicked with...we've been hanging out and going to events together for the past few months. Me, her, a friend and another girl I met through meetup were planning to take a day trip together next weekend. But, when I texted her last week to continue making plans for it she didn't respond. I texted again yesterday to ask if she got my message from Friday and no response. I think I may be getting "ghosted", but it's kind of weird that she would just stop responding. I hope everything's ok. The other girls and I are still planning on going on the trip though and I'm looking forward to it.
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She texted back earlier today...she was camping and didn't have any cell phone reception. I gotta keep in mind that it's Mercury retrograde and communication can be iffy lol.
 
I have a few uptown friends who never want to come meet me in Bk. Yet, they are ALWAYS in Bk and don’t hit me up. Or if they hit me up it’s after they are done with their plans and need a place to crash or they want to know if there is parking in my building.

The first couple of times I was like well maybe it’s something they couldn’t invite me to...until last night.

I went to this event alone because I had no one to go with. I saw my friend's friend and he told me where they were at. I just shrugged it off and stayed with another friend of a friend I’d found.

I saw my actual friend and he kissed me on my cheek and made an excuse about getting water and never came back. I ended up having a really good time with the ppl I stayed with. I am still salty af. I consider him one of my closest friends. He stayed at my house for a MONTH when his apartment caught fire. We have a whole crew of friends in common so I just don’t understand why he treats me like a side friend.

I’m not even going to say anything mostly because I’ve said enough in the past. I’m just going to limit his access to me and phase his fake behind out.
 
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@shespoison I think that limiting contact and phasing him out is the best course of action. And I absolutely wouldn’t say one single word about it. We’ve all been there where we over invest in people who treat us like an option. When you shift your energy don’t be surprised if he starts trying to include you more. People hate being ignored. Too bad so sad. Now you will be making room for more reciprocal relationships. You don’t deserve to be treated like that.
 
Thank you @hopeful.

He isn’t the only one who does this but he is the only one I’m really bothered by. It’s so opposite of how he presents himself. He’s the first one to check up on me if he hasn’t heard from me and always pays me extra attention when we’re out with our friend group. He understands how reserved I can be even though I seem to be super outgoing.

I’m tired of making excuses for ppl treating be poorly.
 
Hubby and I went to the home of one of his friends. I've met him before and I've met his wife in passing. We get to their home and she is rude. I don't know that I've ever been made to feel so uncomfortable by someone I've only met in passing. She was kind to the other guests, but quiet and rude around us. She was rude to me, my husband and our kids. Her kids were rude too. We tried to engage her in conversation and she would respond by giving one word answers. Meanwhile, the husband was kind, outgoing and tried to make us feel welcomed. It was odd. The whole thing had me feeling some kind of way for a few days. I don't normally let other people's attitude affect me, especially if its someone I hardly know, but I was very bothered. I doubt we'll be going over to their home again, but it did serve as a reminder to me to treat everyone who enters my home with love and kindness.
 
My college BFF asked me to dinner tomorrow. I asked her to hang out last month but she's been busy since her sister moved back to town. I've been feeling alienated from some of my friends since I got in my relationship so it means a lot to me that she did that.

I posted about it upthread but since I got in my relationship my HS/college BFF has been acting flaky. She got back with her ex so I'm thinking everything is good. :ohwell: Wouldn't surprise me if it wasn't though.
 
" I would rather go back to being in a relationship with ___ where I was cheated on and sad all the time, than to be married to someone who does not provide." <- said my "friend" who plays ghosting games when she called me the other day to vent about her husband.

I thought that was deep because I know her ex and he was HORRIBLE... truly horrible. And she would rather go back to that. SMH. But since she's just a drop in friend, I gave her drop out time and said "really, are you kidding me? okay I've got to go."
 
So my girl who married I think I’ve mentioned earlier being married to this dude she imported. Gets pregnant again by him finds out it’s twins. She was telling me it was all good. I didn’t question it lol! She mailed me some clothes for DS and includes a note, blah blah PS I filed for divorce yesterday. I’m like whoa nelly!!
 
Browndilocks said:
" I would rather go back to being in a relationship with ___ where I was cheated on and sad all the time, than to be married to someone who does not provide." <- said my "friend" who plays ghosting games when she called me the other day to vent about her husband.

I thought that was deep because I know her ex and he was HORRIBLE... truly horrible. And she would rather go back to that. SMH. But since she's just a drop in friend, I gave her drop out time and said "really, are you kidding me? okay I've got to go."
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That's not a healthy mentality to have. I guess being alone, providing for herself and having peace in her life isn't an option? Smh.
 
LostInAdream said:
@Miss_Luna trust your gut! Would you ask her about it? Or just leave it alone until it surfaces?

It sucks that you’re going through something and you don’t have someone to comfort you. Take care of yourself!
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She is a notorious secret holder. Our ability to keep secrets is what made is such close friends...never anything that could hurt someone but we’ve both seen and been through a lot and can confide in each other. The only reason I knew about the first time she did this was because my gut told me something was off and I did some digging. It was a guy that I liked but I refused to sleep with but we would flirt heavily. He was/is too promiscuous for me but so cute. She slept with him.

If she’s contacting this guy though...it would end our friendship for good.
 
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