Men-free Zone ~ The Non-romantic Relationship Thread

[hopeful]

@SurferBabe
I want to start by saying that you seem like a really sweet, kind, and compassionate person. But first of all, as you said, this woman was never your "friend" in the first place. And even if she was your dearest, closest, ride or die friend, you have already done too much, given too much, and tried too hard to help her. She is using you, using up your resources that could be used toward your own life and happiness. I would drop her so fast girl.

She is placing her burdens on you and will likely NEVER change. You are wasting your precious time and resources. Tell her ASAP that you changed your mind and that she cannot stay with you. Then cut her off and move on. When you are as compassionate as you are you have to be vigilant about keeping your distance from users and takers.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

My oldest friend texted me a picture of her govt issued truck on a tow truck and her making a sad face.Here is the conversation that ensued:

Me: Why you break the white man's truck?
Friend: Silly, this is a group MSG.
Me: You know I ain't got no filter and included me in a group. Do better next time.
Random White Friend of Friend: Well, that was racist.
Me: Now you know how it feels. Have a nice day.
Friend: I got u off the group msg. lolol

 

[LBoogie85]

My oldest friend texted me a picture of her govt issued truck on a tow truck and her making a sad face.Here is the conversation that ensued:

Me: Why you break the white man's truck?
Friend: Silly, this is a group MSG.
Me: You know I ain't got no filter and included me in a group. Do better next time.
Random White Friend of Friend: Well, that was racist.
Me: Now you know how it feels. Have a nice day.
Friend: I got u off the group msg. lolol

White people are ridiculous with their concept of racism smh

 

[crlsweetie912]

sigh I have no friends.....I have trust issues. Every close female friend I have ever had has dogged me out and used me and/or talked about me behind my back. Even when I try to set things up with people they bail. But I have been doing some things alone lately that I have never done. It's rough not having friends.

 

[Holla]

The whole month of Feb, I did something daily that involved love, esp self-love. I had to find something every single day and document it. March.....not so much. April.. I feel the difference. So back to it.

Part of self-love was to surround myself with good people. As someone once said, "There are great people out there. Your job is to find them."

 

[hopeful]

sigh I have no friends.....I have trust issues. Every close female friend I have ever had has dogged me out and used me and/or talked about me behind my back. Even when I try to set things up with people they bail. But I have been doing some things alone lately that I have never done. It's rough not having friends.

You just haven't met them yet. I promise you that your time will come and you will have some really good friends that you can count on and will adore you.

 

[crlsweetie912]

You just haven't met them yet. I promise you that your time will come and you will have some really good friends that you can count on and will adore you.

Awww. @hopeful that was so sweet. Thank you for taking the time out to write that post. I've been having the suckiest of Mondays and that made me smile so big and feel better....

 

[hopeful]

The whole month of Feb, I did something daily that involved love, esp self-love. I had to find something every single day and document it. March.....not so much. April.. I feel the difference. So back to it.

Part of self-love was to find good people. As someone once said, "There are great people out there. Your job is to find them."

Thanks for this post! I love how you approached February and that you are getting back to it this month. Awesome. You deserve your unconditional love. Nothing more beautiful than that.

 

[hopeful]

Awww. @hopeful that was so sweet. Thank you for taking the time out to write that post. I've been having the suckiest of Mondays and that made me smile so big and feel better....

You're welcome love. I've been where you are that's why I understand. I have so many loving and supportive relationships now. Stay in the flow of life, stay open, and be picky about who you allow into your precious life. Hang in there .

 

[Fine 4s]

@Crackers Phinn

Omg - Awkward!

 

[SurferBabe]

You can't MAKE her do anything she isn't willing to do herself. Short of committing her, you've done all that you can do and you need to focus on yourself now.

Thank you for being a good friend but now it's time for you to feed yourself.

HUGS

Thank you! This is what I've been telling myself but it's hard when you're dealing with someone suffering from mental illness. You feel guilt for distancing yourself.

@SurferBabe
I want to start by saying that you seem like a really sweet, kind, and compassionate person. But first of all, as you said, this woman was never your "friend" in the first place. And even if she was your dearest, closest, ride or die friend, you have already done too much, given too much, and tried too hard to help her. She is using you, using up your resources that could be used toward your own life and happiness. I would drop her so fast girl.

She is placing her burdens on you and will likely NEVER change. You are wasting your precious time and resources. Tell her ASAP that you changed your mind and that she cannot stay with you. Then cut her off and move on. When you are as compassionate as you are you have to be vigilant about keeping your distance from users and takers.

Thanks for the insight! You are 100% right. She's wasting my time and using me as an energy source for her issues. Her father has offered to help so she should lean on him. I watched my mother give and give until she was left with nothing. I won't turn out the same way.

 

[SurferBabe]

Same.

Well, my sis is my bestie, but with a husband and young child, we're in very different places. I don't have any one like me who just up and go out of town for weekend or whatever. Everybody has responsibilities and crap.

Same here! This is why I roll solo. I missed out on some major trips last year waiting on people. No more!

 

[Miss_Luna]

I just spent almost a month traveling through Europe, half-solo, the other half meeting with colleagues in different cities. I could work in different offices or out of hotels with wifi, so it wasn't too bad.

Sometimes I regret spending so much time away from the office, but I know I won't have that opportunity for a very long time, if ever again.

It felt great and reminds me of how blessed I am and I'm truly grateful for this experience. I love having friends all over the world. When I came home I met up with childhood friends, wasn't a great experience; we've made very different life choices that have us on very different life paths, but it is what it is.

This week my best friend is coming to visit and I'm going to a baby shower. I went on two 'dates' this past weekend and it reminded me of why I enjoy being unattached . I'm looking forward to spending time with more friends (I'm an introverted extrovert, so I like being around people, even if in deep thought or silence).

Overall, life isn't perfect but I think I've found my tribe, as small as it is lol

 

[LovingLady]

Part of self-love was to surround myself with good people. As someone once said, "There are great people out there. Your job is to find them."

@crlsweetie912 I know exactly how you feel. Even though I love spending time with myself I would like to ability to enjoy the company of other people (besides family). I went to some event at a museum and quickly realized it was not for me. I was surround by black people who were woke, artsy, down for mumble rap, and were trying to be unique while following instagram trends. I thought about all the topics I like and then I looked for events that caters to that. Great place to start: https://www.eventbrite.com. Have you attended a meet-up for the ladies here?

 

[MzLady78]

Same here! This is why I roll solo. I missed out on some major trips last year waiting on people. No more!

Yeah, I don't mess around, when I'm ready to go, I'm ready to go.

I don't even bother asking folks anymore.

 

[MzLady78]

sigh I have no friends.....I have trust issues. Every close female friend I have ever had has dogged me out and used me and/or talked about me behind my back. Even when I try to set things up with people they bail. But I have been doing some things alone lately that I have never done. It's rough not having friends.

Aww, I wish we lived closer. We'd have a lot of fun.

As an introvert with a bit of social anxiety, it's REALLY hard for me. I'm in all these meetup and travel groups, but have yet to take the plunge and go to any events.

I'm going to really try to get out more once the weather gets warm. No reason I can get up and go out of the country alone but won't go out in my own city.

 

[IslandMummy]

I've been over indulging myself and I want to say I'm over spending and blowing the budget but screw it. I need a temporary pick me up and my bills are paid.

Today was new running shoes and a graphic tee.

This isn't a friend at all but I tried to go back to work yesterday and got an email instantly from my CM to log off. I told her I needed the distraction and she had the company send me a $50 visa gift card and told me to go to lunch and people watch. I know popular myth is that women are catty (and they can be) but no woman will have your back like a fellow black woman.

 

[hopeful]

I've been over indulging myself and I want to say I'm over spending and blowing the budget but screw it. I need a temporary pick me up and my bills are paid.

Today was new running shoes and a graphic tee.

This isn't a friend at all but I tried to go back to work yesterday and got an email instantly from my CM to log off. I told her I needed the distraction and she had the company send me a $50 visa gift card and told me to go to lunch and people watch. I know popular myth is that women are catty (and they can be) but no woman will have your back like a fellow black woman.

It may not be a friend, but it is a relationship, and an important one. Thanks for sharing your story. Very nice of her to insist you have a fun and relaxing day.

 

[caribeandiva]

I'm in a situation right now with a friend who is going through a very tough time.

I'm not even sure I can call her a friend. We hung out a bit during college but she was closer to other people. Now that she's going through a tough time, she's latched on to me. Her other friends have either abandoned her or their lives are in shambles as well. Since I'm the only person in her life on an upswing, I'm her only positive influence.

There is a lot going on. Failed marriage, bipolar disorder, lost custody of children, alcohol abuse, money problems, spousal abandonment, non-supportive family, the list goes on. When she was happily married I never heard from her. Now that everything has fallen apart, I've spent the last 2 years listening to her problems just about every single day. Whether it was at 2 am, noon, or while I was at a concert, on a date, etc... I was always there to step out, answer the phone, and motivate her. But by the next day, she'd be back in a slump. I've given her money and have helped with bills.

She's at rock bottom now and I can no longer help. I've done everything I can do. I also suffer from depression that I spent years trying to get under control and this situation is triggering me and sending me back into a low place. I can't relate to spousal abandonment or losing custody of children so my advice now falls on deaf ears because what do I know?

Last year I offered to let her come live with me (in another state) once I got settled in. I was going to help her get a better paying job, get into some classes, and get on her feet but in the months following that offer, she turned so dark that it completely turned me off from the idea. I can't do it and now I don't know how to break it to her. She is fully capable of making the move on her own and getting her own place (she doesn't pay rent where she is now), but she's never lived by herself. She's always been a slacker and lacked motivation so she needs people to hold her hand. I've offered to send her resume around to people I know who can secure her a job that pays more-- but a year later and she hasn't even sent me her resume.

I'm out of energy. Now I rarely answer when she calls because it is always bad news. I've suggested resources but she doesn't follow through. She went years without taking her medication and she's now back on them but will soon stop taking them because there is no consistency. She slacks on going to counseling. I've suggested inpatient treatment but she keeps shutting it down. She's not going to AA. She won't go to group therapy. Aside from me, everyone else she talks to is in a bad situation, and all they do is share how terrible their lives are.

For anyone who has gone through this, is there something I haven't done? Have you ever just given up?

Do we have the same "friend"? I swear i could've written this whole post myself. We became friends in high school. Lost touch after she got married in college and then reconnected when she got divorced. I spent years comforting homegirl after her divorce and subsequent custody battle. Yet when I needed her for my own heartbreak she was nowhere to be found. Needless to say we're no longer friends. It's like a ray of sunshine shone on my life after we stopped being friends. Thank you God!

 

[LdyKamz]

I am supposed to have brunch with a friend of mine this weekend. We picked out the place last week after lots of options. Since she's had her baby she still makes time for us to catch up occasionally and it's appreciated. Of course our brunch dates are much shorter these days with no booze because she usually has to get back to the baby. Fine with me. I knew the relationship would change and again I appreciate her making the time to keep in touch with such significant changes in her life.

Now a couple days ago she texts me and tells me she can't go out to brunch because the hubby went on a trip with the boys and told her last minute. So she would have to pack the baby up and bring her so that's out. But she suggested we do brunch at her place and we can have our mimosas there. While I appreciate her not canceling altogether I feel slightly put out by this. I do not want to go to her place, I want to drink and I wanted to go out. I don't feel comfortable drinking just me and her with the baby especially since she'll be on her own after I'm gone.

I suppose this is my single hood selfishness rearing its ugly head. I don't want to cancel on her and probably won't but I'm not excited about this and feel like my plans are ruined.

 

[caribeandiva]

I am supposed to have brunch with a friend of mine this weekend. We picked out the place last week after lots of options. Since she's had her baby she still makes time for us to catch up occasionally and it's appreciated. Of course our brunch dates are much shorter these days with no booze because she usually has to get back to the baby. Fine with me. I knew the relationship would change and again I appreciate her making the time to keep in touch with such significant changes in her life.

Now a couple days ago she texts me and tells me she can't go out to brunch because the hubby went on a trip with the boys and told her last minute. So she would have to pack the baby up and bring her so that's out. But she suggested we do brunch at her place and we can have our mimosas there. While I appreciate her not canceling altogether I feel slightly put out by this. I do not want to go to her place, I want to drink and I wanted to go out. I don't feel comfortable drinking just me and her with the baby especially since she'll be on her own after I'm gone.

I suppose this is my single hood selfishness rearing its ugly head. I don't want to cancel on her and probably won't but I'm not excited about this and feel like my plans are ruined.

Tell her the truth. Why don't you reschedule for a time when her hubby won't be out of town?

 

[ThePromise]

I'm at a loss right now and I feel so alone. I experienced a rough breakdown and realized that the family I thought I had didn't exist.

They all turned their back on me. My mother, father and sisters were my confidants and my backbone.... so I thought.

I ended up retiring early and instead of my family supporting me like I did for each of them in the past they treated me terribly. The same people that I supported while they were down watched me and my children go hungry. When I asked for help my father accused me of drug use!!!

My own mother applied for FMLA to...take care of me...but never lifted a finger to help me. I found out that she applied for it because she mistakenly put her application in my bag instead of hers. The only reason she was denied.. she didn't have my medical documention to support her FMLA claim.

And if she asked me I would have known what she was up to. Now she is determined to retire from her job And actually wants my help!

Sorry...I just needed to vent.

 

[hopeful]

(((Hugs))) @ThePromise
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Have faith and hang in there. There are other people, good people, who will gladly help and support you. You have to step out in faith. Hang in there. Hold on.

 

[ThePromise]

(((Hugs))) @ThePromise
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Have faith and hang in there. There are other people, good people, who will gladly help and support you. You have to step out in faith. Hang in there. Hold on.

Thank you so much! @hopeful

 

[LovingLady]

I had an impromptu lunch with a women I did fieldwork with. She is so sweet, we caught up on all the projects that we are working on and the activities we have planned for the summer.

 

[TwoSnapsUp]

Aww, I wish we lived closer. We'd have a lot of fun.

As an introvert with a bit of social anxiety, it's REALLY hard for me. I'm in all these meetup and travel groups, but have yet to take the plunge and go to any events.

I'm going to really try to get out more once the weather gets warm. No reason I can get up and go out of the country alone but won't go out in my own city.

Try it. Start with small settings, like dinner and brunch meetups where there are groups of 10 or less. I've met a lot of people through meetup. I just wish I had a few girlfriends who lived close to me. Most live far sonot's harder to get together on a whim.

 

[TwoSnapsUp]

It's not even 6am and all I'm thinking about is taking myself out for breakfast and champagne.

 

[LdyKamz]

Friend messaged last night that hubby is back early and we can go out now. I am elated. Outdoor seating with mimosas here I come!

 

[hopeful]

It's not even 6am and all I'm thinking about is taking myself out for breakfast and champagne.

Good!

Friend messaged last night that hubby is back early and we can go out now. I am elated. Outdoor seating with mimosas here I come!

Yay! Enjoy KammyGirl!

 

[sgold04]

Turned down multiple invites for brunch today. My job and lingering boo wore me out this week, but now that I'm sitting here doing nothing, I'm stuffing my face and feeling guilty about it. I need to re-evaluate what I consider self-care because food and drink don't lead to the best outcomes for me.