Men-free Zone ~ The Non-romantic Relationship Thread

*LONG VENT*
I have 2 best girlfriends and I value their friendships. But being the bigger person is exhausting. Having to tread lightly with certain topics, being the first to always apologize or reach out all the time is too much.
Sometimes I wanna sulk! But no, I have to put on my big girl panties and smooth things over.

*Friend #2 bday was the weekend. She decided to have a get together at a lounge. The weekend forecast called for rain so a few hours before we were supposed to meet, she sent a group text and canceled.
No problem. I was leaving another function when I got the text, so I mentally settled in for the night.
Few hours later she text ME and said she was still going. I asked her whats going on. She says, her boyfriend, his sister, and sister boyfriend are already at said location. Sounds like a double date to me. I inform her since it was just the 2 couples, I wouldn't be coming...didnt wanna feel like the odd person out. (SO was out watching the fight)
She responds with, "its not a double date, but ok." Is it not? There a 2 couples!

I figured she was disappointed I wasnt coming. I talked to mom about it and she said *I * should call her and smooth things over and explain (again) why I didnt come. I dont feel like I should have to do all that!
 
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@SuchMagnificent the real issue I think is that you were settled in and had moved on. Would you have come out otherwise? If there were more than two couples there? My point is that you were well within your rights to stay home. Once she cancelled you were free to do as you pleased with your evening. I’m not sure why your mom wants you to smooth over something you didn’t wrinkle. You don’t have to be the bigger person like ever. That’s unfair. Two equal adults in a relationship are supposed to invest pretty equally. Otherwise it gets mighty exhausting and unfair.
 
hopeful said:
@SuchMagnificent the real issue I think is that you were settled in and had moved on. Would you have come out otherwise? If there were more than two couples there? My point is that you were well within your rights to stay home. Once she cancelled you were free to do as you pleased with your evening. I’m not sure why your mom wants you to smooth over something you didn’t wrinkle. You don’t have to be the bigger person like ever. That’s unfair. Two equal adults in a relationship are supposed to invest pretty equally. Otherwise it gets mighty exhausting and unfair.
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Honestly @hopeful If there had been some people that I knew without dates there, then I would have made an attempt to go. I asked bff #1 if she got the text that it was back on and she said no. That was my deciding factor. I definitely wasnt going if I didnt have anyone to talk to.
Mom knows bff#2 is younger, naive, and extremely sensitive. Mom also adores her and loves that we are friends..so she wants us to remain that way. I have always played more of a big sister role with #2 so I guess it was just expected of me to clean up the confusion she caused.
 
SuchMagnificent said:
Honestly @hopeful If there had been some people that I knew without dates there, then I would have made an attempt to go. I asked bff #1 if she got the text that it was back on and she said no. That was my deciding factor. I definitely wasnt going if I didnt have anyone to talk to.
Mom knows bff#2 is younger, naive, and extremely sensitive. Mom also adores her and loves that we are friends..so she wants us to remain that way. I have always played more of a big sister role with #2 so I guess it was just expected of me to clean up the confusion she caused.
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Nah. "Little sister" can't be naive forever. She has to grow up sometime too and in this case, learn about being more considerate. I would NOT be the bigger person.
 
Sosoothing said:
Nah. "Little sister" can't be naive forever. She has to grow up sometime too and in this case, learn about being more considerate. I would NOT be the bigger person.
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Yes, I’m doing this with my little sister at the moment. I’ve noticed I’m the bigger person in too many relationships. I’m falling back on those as well. I already feel much better. I can tell they’re confused but its not my problem.
 
A friend from my mom group posted this morning that her daughter’s friend wouldn’t be able to go to middle school formal because her mother is sick. She was looking for a gently used dress but I offered to buy one on amazon (yay prime).

Her daughter told her after school tonight and her friend broke down crying. She said no one has ever bought her anything new before. In her entire life. That hit me and I’m so glad I saw the post before I headed out to start my day.
 
hopeful said:
@SuchMagnificent the real issue I think is that you were settled in and had moved on. Would you have come out otherwise? If there were more than two couples there? My point is that you were well within your rights to stay home. Once she cancelled you were free to do as you pleased with your evening. I’m not sure why your mom wants you to smooth over something you didn’t wrinkle. You don’t have to be the bigger person like ever. That’s unfair. Two equal adults in a relationship are supposed to invest pretty equally. Otherwise it gets mighty exhausting and unfair.
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Sorry for hijacking. Man this is how I feel towards my mother.

I ran into my SIL the other day. The one that has the autistic son that I told her I didn’t want to babysit every week because I have my own child now and it was too much to keep both. She hasn’t spoken to me since then. I saw her at the circus and waved. She gave me this dry wave and sent my nephew over to speak but she didn’t speak.

My mother heard about it and said if I were you I would have gone up to her like nothing ever happened and just talked to her like an old girlfriend like heeeey girl where have you been.

I feel like this has been my problem my whole life. My mother wouldn’t beg someone to be her friend so why should I. It unsubconciously tells me I’m less worthy than others and I deserve to be treated any kind of way. I’m always in the wrong. They’re always right or in need of someone to be the bigger person.

I decided I didn’t care. I got what I wanted which was to not baby sit my nephew lol. On the flip side I never see him or her. I decided that No1Curr and keep it moving.
 
@PrissiSippi you didn’t hijack. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so happy that you no longer feel obligated to keep your nephew and released yourself from that. What nerve of your SIL to ice you out for setting boundaries and wanting to not be burdened down by HER responsibility. You are not a daycare. You are a human being and a mother with her own child, a woman with her own life and responsibilities.

My mother also did something similar to me as well. She was always pushing on me things she herself wouldn’t put on herself. One time when she was trying to guilt me into doing something for a relative, I said that’s not my responsibility and I don’t want to do that anymore. I then said if it’s that important to you why don’t you do it since that person is so important to you. She was like no no, then finally dropped the issue. I’m sure she didn’t mean to do this to me. And she’s passed now, and I miss my mom for all of the good things she brought to my life. I miss her terribly. She was genuinely a good person. I say that to say I forgave her and I’ve emotionally released her from that.

My point is good for you. Keep taking up for yourself and being good to you. We can’t change our parents or all of the people who feel entitled to our time, but we can change ourselves.
 
Hey ladies!

I feel so muc better afternoon my vacation. My therapist mentioned how relaxed and happy I looked at my last session.

I am currently not dealing with some members of my family. Folks have tried to intervene masked as being concerned. I am not interested in reconciling if it is going to be more of the same foolishness. I will love them from afar.
It is amazing how accustom people become to you swallowing your pain to make them comfortable. Nope, not doing it again.

I have anoter trip in a couple of weeks, I'm so excited!!!
 
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@BrownSkinPoppin
He is not your friend. You don’t have to be nice to him or explain to him how or why he hurt your feelings. It is not your job to explain human decency to anyone. I would block him, at least for awhile. And cancel our plans. Being too religious (JMHO) will have you putting up with all kinds of mess. I would say f u good luck and have a nice life and not feel guilty or bad about it either. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, men who hit below the belt are dangerous, passive aggressive, and covertly abusive. You deserve better.
 
BrownSkinPoppin said:
@hopeful yeah plans are canceled. I’m not even gonna tell him they’re canceled. I’m just not gonna hit him up while I’m there. But yeah that definitely was below the belt. And unnecessary. But yeah I shouldn’t have to explain anything to a grown man with a fully developed brain. I think I’m gonna cancel altogether
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Good. Protect your energy and your spirit. I can’t even imagine someone who didn’t like you saying those things — but a friend? Completely unnecessary and cruel. With friends like that, who needs enemies?
 
@BrownSkinPoppin

That man wouldn't be in my life any more.
And texting you everyday in an unsafe country IMO isn't a good example of a good friend. That takes no real effort. I text people I don't like too much all the time. I hope he has done other things to earn his place as a friend in your life. And even then, I think your friendship has run its course. Those 'jokes' were not OK at all from someone you call a friend.
 
Sosoothing said:
@BrownSkinPoppin

That man wouldn't be in my life any more.
And texting you everyday in an unsafe country IMO isn't a good example of a good friend. That takes no real effort. I text people I don't like too much all the time. I hope he has done other things to earn his place as a friend in your life. And even then, I think your friendship has run its course. Those 'jokes' were not OK at all from someone you call a friend.
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Well obviously since I mentioned he was one of the first persons I called when I broke up with the ex lol. We’ve been friends since college which was almost ten years ago. That was just the most recent example I could think of since I just got back.

And I would consider someone checking on me every day when I’m in a country that they think is dangerous to be a good friend. It shows concern for my safety lol. But that gesture of friendship is clearly subjective.

Back to the topic. that was not okay. We joke a lot. Him more than me...but never any personal or emotional jokes. He took that too far.
 
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BrownSkinPoppin said:
Well obviously since I mentioned he was one of the first persons I called when I broke up with the ex lol. We’ve been friends since college which was almost ten years ago. That was just the most recent example I could think of since I just got back.

And I would consider someone checking on me every day when I’m in a country that they think is dangerous to be a good friend. It shows concern for my safety lol. But that gesture of friendship is clearly subjective.

Back to the topic. that was not okay. We joke a lot. Him more than me...but never any personal or emotional jokes. He took that too far.
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I've noticed that people toe that line very carefully. They throw in just enough good things to appear to be decent friends when they really aren't. I don't know your friend so I'm not sure if the good outweighs the bad but usually something like this is not a one off. They do things like occasionally but not often enough that you start questioning your sanity and whether or not you are just being sensitive and if that's "just the way they are". I have been in this position before and it took me a very long time to cut this person off. Mine was also a male friend of many years (I posted about him in this thread actually) I cut him off even though other people in my life were telling me I was tripping and I know how he is. The bottom line is friends don't intentionally hurt you - even jokingly. He made this joke knowing how insensitive it would be and how much it would hurt you. What kind of friend does/says something like this knowing you won't laugh about it now or later? Someone who doesn't care about your feelings, that's who. It sucks to say and again I don't know your friend but the line between poking fun and being flat out mean/rude isn't as fine as some people like to think. It is very clear and distinct and someone who crosses it shows they don't care about you as much as you think.
 
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Excellent point @KammyGirl. People can be very slick. Almost like they keep a delicate balance — it’s actually scary how they do it too. That’s why being too nice and polite will get you got. And assuming people don’t really mean to hurt your feelings and giving people the benefit of the doubt is something some people take advantage of. I’m learning to trust myself more, how I feel more, on the energy and actions a person puts out there versus anything they say. I almost think schools should teach classes on understanding the language of passive aggression since it’s become such a popular tool.
 
Browndilocks said:
I have a FB relationship with a woman I went to high school with... meaning, we often laugh at/comment on each other's posts. She's very popular and has a rather large SM following because she is the founder of a national organization. She was recently asked to present at a conference and now that the conference is over, complaints are pouring in about the outfit she wore to her speech. She's now ranting about these complaints and her followers are validating her. She posted a picture of what she wore and... no bueno. Truly no bueno. Should I slip her a private message?
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@Browndilocks - I haven't been on this side of the forum in a minute but I agree with the others to not say nuttin! Once I read your post, I knew exactly who you were talking about as when I first saw her post, I was like :perplexed: then like :nono: and quickly :peace: outta there..
 
KammyGirl said:
I've noticed that people toe that line very carefully. They throw in just enough good things to appear to be decent friends when they really aren't. I don't know your friend so I'm not sure if the good outweighs the bad but usually something like this is not a one off. They do things like occasionally but not often enough that you start questioning your sanity and whether or not you are just being sensitive and if that's "just the way they are". I have been in this position before and it took me a very long time to cut this person off. Mine was also a male friend of many years (I posted about him in this thread actually) I cut him off even though other people in my life were telling me I was tripping and I know how he is. The bottom line is friends don't intentionally hurt you - even jokingly. He made this joke knowing how insensitive it would be and how much it would hurt you. What kind of friend does/says something like this knowing you won't laugh about it now or later? Someone who doesn't care about your feelings, that's who. It sucks to say and again I don't know your friend but the line between poking fun and being flat out mean/rude isn't as fine as some people like to think. It is very clear and distinct and someone who crosses it shows they don't care about you as much as you think.
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This is what a frienemy is.
 
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