caribeandiva
Human being
Please elaborate
Men-free Zone ~ The Non-romantic Relationship Thread
- Thread starter hopeful
- Start date
Sure.
She does not like socializing in mostly black settings. She has black friends, but she prefers to live in white neighborhoods and frequent places where the # of black people will be very low. Hanging out with her is difficult because she won't go to certain neighborhoods where there's a lot of *us*. She's explicitly stated that she likes groups or settings where there's snobbery--but not like "Our Kind of People" black folk snobbery. Think mostly white, blue blood type snobbery where she would be one of the few black people. She will not date black guys, because she claims it's because they are time wasters (she may have point there), but it's beyond a preference. Like if I asked her to rank the attributes a guy must have, white would probably be #1, followed by rich. For those familiar with the Real Housewives of Potomac, she's said that Katie from Season 1 and Ashley are inspirations.
Anyone ever had a friend like this?
hopeful
Well-Known Member
@gimbap
I understand the living in predominantly white neighborhoods because by default if you want safety, stable home values, good school districts etc. that often correlates with whiter neighborhoods unfortunately. And I get the not dating black guys if she’s ended up with a lot of losers and feels like she’d prefer to focus on non-black men. But everything else, the blood blood stuff, and the extreme white people stuff, and the snobbery stuff seems very extra. And Katie and Ashley from RHOP aren’t the worst role models. Katie was off, but Ashley did pretty well for herself, she’s very pretty, ambitious, and trying to win. I guess I could see how she would admire Ashley. Honestly mostly anyone from the housewives shows are a bit of a train wreck.
It sounds to me like she’s young and trying to figure things out. She doesn’t want to become a statistic. The most important thing to me would be if she’s in your corner and a good friend to you? Does she show up for you? Does she make an effort to meet up with you and go places you like too. The main issue I would have is if the relationship is one-sided and you are doing all of the bending. Otherwise tbh her views wouldn’t bother me that much. I would chop it up to her being young and trying to find her way. I get the feeling that she wants to be different and is maybe trying to break-free from an impoverished or ratchet kind of background.
I understand the living in predominantly white neighborhoods because by default if you want safety, stable home values, good school districts etc. that often correlates with whiter neighborhoods unfortunately. And I get the not dating black guys if she’s ended up with a lot of losers and feels like she’d prefer to focus on non-black men. But everything else, the blood blood stuff, and the extreme white people stuff, and the snobbery stuff seems very extra. And Katie and Ashley from RHOP aren’t the worst role models. Katie was off, but Ashley did pretty well for herself, she’s very pretty, ambitious, and trying to win. I guess I could see how she would admire Ashley. Honestly mostly anyone from the housewives shows are a bit of a train wreck.
It sounds to me like she’s young and trying to figure things out. She doesn’t want to become a statistic. The most important thing to me would be if she’s in your corner and a good friend to you? Does she show up for you? Does she make an effort to meet up with you and go places you like too. The main issue I would have is if the relationship is one-sided and you are doing all of the bending. Otherwise tbh her views wouldn’t bother me that much. I would chop it up to her being young and trying to find her way. I get the feeling that she wants to be different and is maybe trying to break-free from an impoverished or ratchet kind of background.
I feel the same way both of you do. One one hand I'm like why am I friends with someone who sees herself separate from other black people, but on the other hand I feel like everyone has their viewpoints and quirks and if I'm critical of everyone, I won't have any friends because no one's perfect. It's just so strange hearing her talk sometimes and dealing with the snobbery, esp since everything about her is so regular--not saying this as a put down, I'm just saying she's not an Obama or a Vanderbilt or anything and neither am I--so at times I'm like where is this coming from? She admits she's extra and says her co-workers don't like her and view her as stuck up. Sometimes I want to invite her places with my other friends, but I don't see that going over too well
And @hopeful I love how you're so positive. Her preferring white neighborhoods stems from her love of white men and wanting to be where they are, her looking up to the RHOP ladies is because they snagged rich white me. Everything is in pursuit of a white man and it's like can we just go chill and have a good time with people who look like us?!
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
This goes beyond a "quirk" to me, though. It's closer to self hate as far as I'm concerned. I side-eye anyone who goes out of their way to not associate with/date people who look like them, and that goes for everyone, not just Black people. The reasoning is usually problematic.
White men damn sure aren't the be all, end all, not even the rich ones.
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caribeandiva
Human being
@gimbap your friend is dealing with some self hate issues here. It’s not a “preference” to dog out your own race and belittle it to such an extent. Her obsession with white men screams daddy issues to me. She don’t need to marry white, she needs therapy. There’s a scared, very insecure little girl in there.
Anyone know that song Powerglide? I don't listen to the radio so I either hear songs super early before they are released or crazy late after it has played itself out on the radio. Anyway, I'm listening to this song on repeat today and I'm so hype. Lol I think it's just the beat putting me in a good mood because I'm sure if I really listened to the words I would hate it.
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
No I haven’t but I will check it out!
oneastrocurlie
Well-Known Member
Don't like the direction any of that was going. I know my original comment was quoted but still removing it.
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hopeful
Well-Known Member
How did the group respond to her announcement if they didn’t congratulate her? Just curious. To me it just seems natural to congratulate a person after announcing something like that.
oneastrocurlie
Well-Known Member
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BrownBetty
Well-Known Member
Hey ladies!
I've been doing OK. I will cook for Easter. Going home isn't an option so my friends and I are going to have dinner at my house. This is the new normal so I'm getting accustomed to it.
I hope everyone is doing well.
I've been doing OK. I will cook for Easter. Going home isn't an option so my friends and I are going to have dinner at my house. This is the new normal so I'm getting accustomed to it.
I hope everyone is doing well.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Aww well you really have to separate the two friends, in that you can be thrilled and excited for the one friend and empathetic and supportive of the other. The pregnant friend deserves to be excited and happy. You don’t have to temper your joy for her because the other friend is suffering.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Sounds like fun! Enjoy! I’ll be traveling over the holiday but not really celebrating Easter this year, too much else going on.
BrownBetty
Well-Known Member
Thanks!
I had to cut some folks in my family off and this has made it uneasy for family gatherings. It is easier to stay away to preserve my sanity. I have made peace with it and have decided to create new traditions.
SuchMagnificent
Taking a Break from Posting
Lol did my BFF just try it with me?
She wants to go on vacation but for each date she suggests, I would be on my cycle and I text and told her no.
She responds with, "it sounds like you gonna let your cycle stop you from living your life."
Yall..I must have rolled my eyes so hard and then laughed. So just because I dont wanna be inconvenienced with cramps, bleeding, and tampons/pads when Im supposed to be on vacay my cycle is ruining my life?
Girl gon on with that mess. Lmao! I can tell Im maturing in certain aspects because the old me would have told her off but instead Imma just keep her on ice and not respond for a few days.
And just for background, I went to Mexico last year on my cycle...never again.
She wants to go on vacation but for each date she suggests, I would be on my cycle and I text and told her no.
She responds with, "it sounds like you gonna let your cycle stop you from living your life."
Yall..I must have rolled my eyes so hard and then laughed. So just because I dont wanna be inconvenienced with cramps, bleeding, and tampons/pads when Im supposed to be on vacay my cycle is ruining my life?
Girl gon on with that mess. Lmao! I can tell Im maturing in certain aspects because the old me would have told her off but instead Imma just keep her on ice and not respond for a few days.
And just for background, I went to Mexico last year on my cycle...never again.
Browndilocks
Browndisha Brownie Sundae
If I was the pregnant friend, I'd be second guessing my friendships with all of you.
oneastrocurlie
Well-Known Member
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Browndilocks
Browndisha Brownie Sundae
Because... that reaction was cold. It's nice that you rectified by sending a text, but why should she dim her light for the sake of someone else? It's unfortunate about the other friend but to diminish a positive response for her was wrong.
oneastrocurlie
Well-Known Member
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hopeful
Well-Known Member
Well for once I disagree with @Browndilocks. I think you did the best you could. It’s an awkward situation and you immediately recognized the mishap. Thank you for sharing with us. I want you to feel safe in this space.
ETA: I personally experienced something similar to this years ago when I was pregnant where a couple people didn’t support me how I’d hoped because someone else was having a hard time getting pregnant. It was hurtful and the situation wasn’t rectified or acknowledged. I think that’s why I give you credit for seeing the unfairness in the situation and making adjustments.
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hopeful
Well-Known Member
Sorry you had to cut off some family members. I know that wasn’t easy. I hope that you have some family that you can count on. But good for you for creating new traditions and moving forward
.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
She gonna mess around and have to go on vacation by herself or with another friend. She just wants you to be available for her but without having to consider or be inconvenienced by your needs. It is what it is. Relationships are give and take. Why would you want to spend your money on a vacation she wants to take and not enjoy yourself? Maybe her periods don’t disrupt her life as much. Good for you to step back and not over react. As your bff she will likely come around and get with the program and plan the trip around her schedule AND yours.
SuchMagnificent
Taking a Break from Posting
@hopeful thank you for that insightful response. And yes, she may just have to go with another friend...but I guarantee she wont have as much fun. Lol! I thought the comment came out of left field and Im trying to give her the benefit of a doubt. But she knows my periods are debilitating. And yes, hers are rather light.
If we do go on a vacation together it will benefit both of us, not just her.
Honestly after the conversation I would rather just take another solo trip because the whole exchanged just rubbed me the wrong way.
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
I feel you.
I get horrible cramps and as I've gotten older, they last longer and are heavier. Plus I no longer like to use tampons. So I would absolutely try to avoid a vacation during that time of the month if possible.
weaveadiva
Well-Known Member
Chiiiile... I was on my period during Carnival in Trinidad
So not only was I cramping for all the festivities, including J'Ouvert, but was doing so skimpy in costumes with all my business on display. Talk about pissed 
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Browndilocks
Browndisha Brownie Sundae
lol @ "we weren't not positive". I don't think its unnatural to be sensitive, but the way you initially described it seemed like meh. Anywho - thanks for clarifying.
Browndilocks
Browndisha Brownie Sundae
You know I love you
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