Men Are Now ‘marrying Up’ More Than Women: Study

[fula97]

so where does this leave women who earn well? find a man who is salaried at a rate that is tolerable even though less? stay single? keep an SO but never marry and certainly not cohabit?

Staying single is not a reasonable expectation for most. Esp if they want children.
But there needs to be guidelines like every thing else. Why would I ever seriously date a bartender?

What is their relationship with money. Do they budget, save.
Do they have a proper perspective on what it is to be a man in a relationship? Not to sponge off their wife but make a reasonable significant contribution to the household.
Are you really ok with the fact that you will be contributing a significant amount to the household? If not that is going to be a problem long term if you feel resentful.
Get a prenup- Clearly outline what he gets if you breakup
If you are living with someone and he moves into your place, does he gripe this is yours so I don't have to do anything. Dump him. Every time I here someone complain about this the outcome is never good. He is a sponge bum
Understand that some experiential things you do together, you either need to compromise and establish a budget upfront. You either need to be ok covering the difference, or going on a scaled down trip which works for his budget. Or saving blowout experiences with friends.

 

[IronButterfly]

Isn't this the same as women marrying down?

 

[fula97]

Isn't this the same as women marrying down?

Depends
The sad fact is you can run a corporation be a multi billionaire and still be judged because you have no husband, or kids
So what else do they bring to the table?

Dating/marrying someone completely unsuitable is just dumb. Bartender, ex con, someone who makes a living below the poverty line. Pick an income that they can't go below
Ideally someone with no kids (this is a challenge the older you get). I'm not paying support for your kids. If you have kids by more than woman I'm out. You need to make enough to cover support and contribute to our household in a meaningful way. You also need to have a real convo before hand about $$ you are contributing for kids not your own there will be inequites
Is he smart? Personally hot and dumb gets old
Is he personable. Ex my job has always required me to go to a lot of work functions/events. If you have poor social skills, an inability to converse on a variety of subjects and need me by your side like a barnacle its not going to work

Ex A friend of mine is a dentist. He married his lawyer wife maybe 10 yrs ago. He was 36 to her 42. She's one of those type A blk women whose career defines her. Owned a 4 bdrm apt in the Upper West side. Partner etc. He had just opened his dental practice. He was worried about the fact that she made a TON more than him. I said look she can say look I have a Dr with a practice on the Upper west side, attractive, black no kids and personable WINNING. She can show him off all day long. He brings in a comfortable income but compared to hers she still blows him out the water. Is she marrying down because he makes 250K to her $750 no

 

[DarkJoy]

Depends
The sad fact is you can run a corporation be a multi billionaire and still be judged because you have no husband, or kids
So what else do they bring to the table?

Dating/marrying someone completely unsuitable is just dumb. Bartender, ex con, someone who makes a living below the poverty line. Pick an income that they can't go below
Ideally someone with no kids (this is a challenge the older you get). I'm not paying support for your kids. If you have kids by more than woman I'm out. You need to make enough to cover support and contribute to our household in a meaningful way. You also need to have a real convo before hand about $$ you are contributing for kids not your own there will be inequites
Is he smart? Personally hot and dumb gets old
Is he personable. Ex my job has always required me to go to a lot of work functions/events. If you have poor social skills, an inability to converse on a variety of subjects and need me by your side like a barnacle its not going to work

Ex A friend of mine is a dentist. He married his lawyer wife maybe 10 yrs ago. He was 36 to her 42. She's one of those type A blk women whose career defines her. Owned a 4 bdrm apt in the Upper West side. Partner etc. He had just opened his dental practice. He was worried about the fact that she made a TON more than him. I said look she can say look I have a Dr with a practice on the Upper west side, attractive, black no kids and personable WINNING. She can show him off all day long. He brings in a comfortable income but compared to hers she still blows him out the water. Is she marrying down because he makes 250K to her $750 no

The 250k to 750k is unusual. I think at least for me I mean standard working class life differences where it would be a handicap.

i know a woman makes about 150k. some dude stepped to her with a 35 to 40k job (not career). thassuh no... now if dude is making 90 or 100k? I could see her maybe thinking about it.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

The 250k to 750k is unusual. I think at least for me I mean standard working class life differences where it would be a handicap.

i know a woman makes about 150k. some dude stepped to her with a 35 to 40k job (not career). thassuh no... now if dude is making 90 or 100k? I could see her maybe thinking about it.

Yeah, if I'm making 150k I'd wouldn't rule out a man making 90-100k just on that. But 35-40k and it's not even a career? Boy bye!

 

[fula97]

The 250k to 750k is unusual. I think at least for me I mean standard working class life differences where it would be a handicap.

i know a woman makes about 150k. some dude stepped to her with a 35 to 40k job (not career). thassuh no... now if dude is making 90 or 100k? I could see her maybe thinking about it.

That's what my undergrad cost a year. That's a no. His net is 28k to her 105k net. This is assuming 30% for taxes. I can't work with that.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

I'm mixed on this whole thing.

I'm not despairing about it but there is a real problem. More men may be marrying up compared to women but men still get paid more, the gender gap has not disappeared. And there is a price women pay in their career when they have kids because old school gender biases still exist. Married men with children make more than single men. But single women make more than married women with children. So it's not enough to say men can stay home and women can work. Not to mention, men are still socialized and expected to provide for their wives. At least the men in my generation. I don't know about post-millennials (notes things to talk about with my 18 year old sister.)

The real problem is the way men are socialized vs the 21st century information economy. Women are going further in education and obtaining higher paying jobs because the jobs that pay require skills that come more naturally to women than men and more women are going into traditionally male fields like medicine and law. Boys struggle to keep up with girls academically as young as 5. We socialize boys to be aggressive and get into sports as recreation when its arts and music that helps boys be successful academically. If we're going to encourage boys to be ambitious we have to think critically about the way they are socialized.

 

[RoundEyedGirl504]

The 250k to 750k is unusual. I think at least for me I mean standard working class life differences where it would be a handicap.

i know a woman makes about 150k. some dude stepped to her with a 35 to 40k job (not career). thassuh no... now if dude is making 90 or 100k? I could see her maybe thinking about it.

If he makes 35-40k in the bay area he's sleeping under the freeway, in his parent's house, or has 4+ roommates. The lifestyle difference alone would be HUGE

 

[IronButterfly]

Depends
The sad fact is you can run a corporation be a multi billionaire and still be judged because you have no husband, or kids
So what else do they bring to the table?

He brings in a comfortable income but compared to hers she still blows him out the water. Is she marrying down because he makes 250K to her $750 no

First, who's doing all this judging and if you're a multi-billionaire, why do you (not you personally) care?

I mean, I don't really see ppl judging Oprah for not having kids or being married. Certainly not ppl that matter to her.

Second, if all this marrying up and down criteria is based on salary, how is it that she who is making $750k isn't marrying down to his $250k? That's a $500k discrepency. I mean, who pays the bulk of the bills? Vacations? Homes? etc. Is she going to settle on comfort when she'd rather live luxuriously because he can't keep up?

And if a man is making $250K and marries a woman making $750K, is that really "marrying up"? I mean, if he's marrying up, she has to be marrying down. You cannot have an up without a down. However, in your example, I think when you have two ppl in the same class (the upper middle), they seem to more or less socially/financially equivalent.

Now, if she was pulling in $2mil+ to his $250K, I would say yes, definitely, he married up. lol

 

[DarkJoy]

If he makes 35-40k in the bay area he's sleeping under the freeway, in his parent's house, or has 4+ roommates. The lifestyle difference alone would be HUGE

Yea. I met a few of these myself and they most certainly are living with mom or with a bunch of roomies.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

I think that some dynamics beyond arithmetic have to be taken into account when you start talking about pairing up people in very high income brackets. It is highly unlikely that a dude making $250K/year is gold digging his way to living off a woman making $750K. She probably ain't go be embarrassed cuz he don't know how to talk to people at her office party.

At a certain level, particularly where both partners are pulling in top 1% money, there is some insolation from income disparity. I would guesstimate that there are people making $750K living next door to people who make $250K. Chris Rock mentioned that as a millionaire he lived next door to a dentist. Could have been a joke, probably wasn't.

This example is not to compare IR to Black Love but there is a marked difference between the dynamics of Serena's baby daddy walking into that relationship with millions he earned before meeting her and Kelly Roland (or MJB's) husbands who may have become millionaires after being put on their wives payroll.

 

[okange76]

All I know is that my Mama told me not to do it over 20 yrs ago. Men's ego cannot handle it in the long run. Alternatively many high earning women are quick to put you in your place if your low income is stifling her lifestyle. She saw it happen in her circles and said the disrespect was awful. One woman was the MD of a multi-national company and her man was a college professor. She never invited him to office functions, she hosted in her home and he was like a wife serving guests and then she tied her tubes without telling him after the first kid. When he took off and found someone else, she was left boo hooing trying to figure out what went wrong.

So the moral of the story is that find someone at your level or higher or if it's lower, then it should not be that obvious. We don't like to admit it but male and female roles are somewhat important in a relationship especially when it comes to providing for the household. It costs to be the boss. For men to receive the role of head of household and the respect that comes with it, they need to provide financial, emotional and physical security in the home. The wife's income is supposed to be supplementary or used to fill in the financial gaps from time to time should they arise.

 

[movingforward13]

Sounds about right- with the caveat that some professions don't need education to make excellent salaries http://metro.co.uk/2017/09/24/well-...g-down-to-avoid-being-single-forever-6951493/

 

[DarkJoy]

Sounds about right- with the caveat that some professions don't need education to make excellent salaries http://metro.co.uk/2017/09/24/well-...g-down-to-avoid-being-single-forever-6951493/

playing down and dumb was the hardcore advice hete 2 years ago.

I've touched on trying to dumb down in the singles thread. ain't work. eventually they know what you do... and it just makes you mire insecure.... about being more successful than they are.

And anyway it's surely a sign that you out of a males league if you're dumbing down to make him feel comfortable or make you feel less accomplished.

Dumbest advice on lhcf ever.