'marrying Down' Costs Educated Women $25k A Year

Sky said:
Women who work - do you mean who want to work ? What type of work ? I know some working women who try and do all these things , and imo , are sacrificing physically something else - the ones that I know. Like they are not there for their kids like they'd want to be. Or they are not being honest about their situation. I only say that based on my experience because doing the things I mentioned is a full time job. Her husband company just opened an office in the UK a while back. So he wanted her to fly there with him while he worked. I don't see how that's possible if you have a job. They will travel for weeks. Her work out schedule is like 2 hours and then she gets the facials and does the yoga on certain days. And he just got into buying and collecting art so she took a class on that. I mean I just don't see how one could work if we are defining "work" the same way and do what she does. I certainly would not be doing all that and working. No ma'am.
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Work like a job because the man in question isn't ballling like that. I have a friend whose husband requires that she do all that for him but his mother was a terrible sahm so he is against wives not working. So she had to stay fly, cook, clean, be a mom, cater to his every whim and work 40 hrs a week. She probably gets 4 hrs of sleep a night and I'm just waiting on her to fall out. She's been going like 8 yrs
 
Femmefatal1981 said:
I'm not married to a millionaire by a long shot but I am expected to show up and show out whenever he request that I do so. Luckily he married someone who enjoys that type of thing. Dh misses stuff due to work and while I don't like it I do like his check so I deal.
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I go with my husband to his events. One time, I had to give a big presentation the next day at my job and I still took the time out to go to an important dinner for him. I get it. I understand it, b/c I do it too. I'm just saying what the poster described did not sound enjoyable. It sounded like no matter what she had to drop her plans to go with him to his events. That is unreasonable to me even for a SAHW.
 
Menina Preta said:
I go with my husband to his events. One time, I had to give a big presentation the next day at my job and I still took the time out to go to an important dinner for him. I get it. I understand it, b/c I do it too. I'm just saying what the poster described did not sound enjoyable. It sounded like no matter what she had to drop her plans to go with him to his events. That is unreasonable to me even for a SAHW.
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But what plans does she really have that can't be rescheduled? Being there for him is her job just like medicine is yours.
 
Femmefatal1981 said:
But what plans does she really have that can't be rescheduled? Being there for him is her job just like medicine is yours.
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Nothing can technically be rescheduled because "her" rescheduled plans will have to be rescheduled. Wash rinse repeat. exhausting and sounds isolating as hell. I would need to have at least 3-5 days to myself every month

And idk I never trivialize plans. Whether it's to give a grand speech or just plan to sit on the couch and eat ice cream all day I should have that right every once in awhile.
 
Rastafarai said:
Thank you. But some in this thread stated the following:

"White marriages are more stable on average than black marriages."

"Wm/bw also last longer than bm/bw."

I don't care about the stats involving black male/white women. I don't consider those "black marriages" but interracial ones. I want the stats that substantiate the above claims.

According to your and @taz007 posts, black male/black female are no less likely to end up in divorce when compared to white male/black female. For all we know black marriages could be more successful percentage wise.

And if that is in fact the case, those two posts are dead wrong, unless there is proof to the contrary. No one has provided stats to tell me and everyone in this thread that marrying a white man lessens a black woman's chance of divorce when compared to marrying a black man.
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@Rastafarai

I forgot to post the data about white marriages being less likely to break up than black marriages. I don't think I was the one who made that claim, but that too, is supported by the study I posted earlier.

http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2008.00491.x/abstract


Table 4. Summary of Event-History Models Predicting the Likelihood of Divorce by the 10th Year of marriage (N¼
35,139 person-years

____________________________________
Baseline Model
-----------------------------------------------------------------
B SE B Eb
Husband white, Wife White: .07, .11, 1.07
Husband Black, Wife Black: .35, .07, 1.42
Husband White, Wife Black: -.46, .27, .67


Did you find the NYT article you referenced in an earlier post?
 
Menina Preta said:
I guess...I just don't like the idea of her time being thought of as less than his...but she seems to be loving it, so it works for them.
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Yes her time is definitely seen as not as important. This has come up at times with family issues - like everything / anything with him is super a priority over her xyz. So when she comes to visit me it's always a big deal like he can't function without having her on call.

Like a lot of you are saying it is a job and if you have that understanding it can work. Relationships are all about sacrificing. Somethings going to give. I think the smart women intentionally decide what that will be instead of letting it be decided my default or letting the man decide that. Go in with your eyes wide open. I didn't. And I would say be transparent because manipulation always backfires. I tried to be manipulative and change my husband , or thinking he would change if I tricked him enough into doing what I wanted - I just got exhausted and more resentful. If you marry a non baller non high roller chances are they are not going to all of a sudden explode and become this ambitious go getter. I don't care how much potential they have.

So yes I can come and go as I please and make my own schedule. But I'm also combing over bills with my husband trying to prioritize and plan and save. And there are days I really wish I didn't have to work. So yes it's a trade off. Definitely. And men want respect. Women want love. You have to know what you respect in a man. Because if you marry a man that you love ( which love is secondary to men behind respect ) but you don't respect him , you will emasculate him and degrade him and thus making it harder for him to love you and no one wins.
 
Architect is blue collar?


Rastafarai said:
This is one silly post. Blue-collared does not always mean lack of education or physically broken. Take construction, for instance. Do you know how much bank is in construction? I'll just give one example here, but my BLACK husband is a contractor and architect by trade. He recently closed in on a significant construction project that will NET us over $1 million, all through his own company that he built from the ground up.

I met him at a time when his company was fairly new, and things were financially lean. He hustled, he networked, and I was there to not just listen but also get involved, too. We would bid on projects that we either didn't get or was placed on hold, but we kept pushing together, until we got that one break.

If I had listened to women like you, I won't be here today enjoying the fruits of my husband's labor. He opened my eyes to a world I never thought possible, where being your own boss is truly the path to sustainable wealth. And we're just starting out. I will be completing law school in a few months and plan to be counsel for my husband's company. He has also put another company venture he created into my name, with a similar but different target goal. Together, we plan to work and build a legacy together.

Nowadays, higher education does not guarantee any type of job. I have seen "educated" men with PhDs, JDs, MAs, etc. often having to return to learn technical skills, or go into nursing, just to survive.

Please do not knock blue-collared men. You know not what you speak.
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Sky said:
I wouldn't want to be one for the following reasons :

* my sister spends an enormous time at the gym and looking on point. She is a former model and is very pretty. But she has to stay on point. This is very important to her husband. Like perfect as far as weight , skin , etc. it's a job y'all.

* she knows nothing about his money except he has lots of it. She doesn't pay a bill or have to worry about anything finacially. But she's not privy to anything. They do have a pre nup and she gets a nice allowance. But just the whole allowance and me not knowing what's going on would bother me. But then again she has a condo he bought for her in her name and they have a prenup that leaves her with stuff so she won't be walking away broke if that happened.

* she has to be available for all his events , many of which she doesn't sometimes want to go. And she has to smile , say the right thing , etc. she's very smart but again can't have an off day and can't ever have like an attitude or be seemingly ungracious.

* being available for him means his events take priority. So if she has something planned of course it's not as important as whatever he's got going which is always tied to money even if it seems like it's not. So she has to check his calendar when making plans , if that makes sense.

* all the places they go have to be upper upper echelon which is nice but because of his position and future ambition ( he's not famous just rich) they can't just go anywhere. Like so he has a long list of places that " oh I could never be seen there " which sounds "cool" at first until you realize that you may have regular folk who just want to meet for a meal at red lobster or stay at the Marriott residence inn instead of the ritz Carlton. Like he would never do those regular things. He will not fly south west for example. Some of these things he just would never have to do because of perks he gets with the major airlines but it's a long list of things they don't do that us regular folks do. And they can afford to be that way and aren't at all extravagant but the
standards for everything always apply without exception. It's the without exception I don't like.

That's all I can think of that are the main things right now ... I'm sure there's more if I thought about it. He's a really nice guy though.
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Wow, That sounds like a very stressful and miserable life!
 
I need to read through this again,but what happens if you married a baller and you outpaced him in earnings?

My friend is a UX designer for a really hot startup here and is 24. He makes more money than most people and I think he even makes more than me who is 4 years older. Now he is the guy who pays for travel and all the bills etc but what if he dates a woman who goes on to work at a hedge fund in a few years and out earns him? What then?
 
Shiks said:
I need to read through this again,but what happens if you married a baller and you outpaced him in earnings?

My friend is a UX designer for a really hot startup here and is 24. He makes more money than most people and I think he even makes more than me who is 4 years older. Now he is the guy who pays for travel and all the bills etc but what if he dates a woman who goes on to work at a hedge fund in a few years and out earns him? What then?
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The article isnt talking about men who make more than most people or ballers. It is talking about men who make average money and the women who marry them.

The difference is marrying a baller and outpacing them vs marrying someone who makes substantially less than you to begin with.
 
Re: Shiks question

Either his ego will propel him to step it up, they grow happily in bliss confident that when/if they have children he can support them, OR his ego is too bruised by her shine and he will leave....

Life happens. Your can't control everything, but you can place yourself, as a black woman, in the best position by aiming for high earning generous partners even if by high earning to you that means high five figures.
 
Shiks said:
I need to read through this again,but what happens if you married a baller and you outpaced him in earnings?

My friend is a UX designer for a really hot startup here and is 24. He makes more money than most people and I think he even makes more than me who is 4 years older. Now he is the guy who pays for travel and all the bills etc but what if he dates a woman who goes on to work at a hedge fund in a few years and out earns him? What then?
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I'm available and don't plan to work for a hedge fund so we should be straight, right? :look:
 
Shiks said:
I need to read through this again,but what happens if you married a baller and you outpaced him in earnings?

My friend is a UX designer for a really hot startup here and is 24. He makes more money than most people and I think he even makes more than me who is 4 years older. Now he is the guy who pays for travel and all the bills etc but what if he dates a woman who goes on to work at a hedge fund in a few years and out earns him? What then?
Click to expand...

At some point the law of diminishing returns will kick in meaning if a man is providing you with a lifestyle where more of your financial wants are provided than not, then extra money coming in won't make that much of a difference to your day to day life regardless of which one of you is bringing it in.
 
Girl,

You've said nothing but the whole truth. Kenyan men abroad with money are something else. NY, Boston and San Francisco are the worst. Finance and Techies. The Becky over load is nauseating. Many of these guys should thank God they had the brains to study their way out of the village.

The one thing I hate the absolute most about them is when the Becky is around, they hit on you in Swahili or vernacular infront of her because she doesn't understand. Very disrespectful. Many have been divorced over side chicks who are almost always Kenyan. Talking about how they miss our food and the wife can't cook it. Should have married a local girl if that was deal breaker.

The city boys are another breed. The arrogance and expectation that you know who they are and where they work or live is migraine inducing foolishness.

Shiks said:
I only date black men,but that is a proximity thing living in Africa. Something I have found is Kenyan men who live abroad, are well educated(Ivy) and work on WallStreet(I know a good number because we went to the same schools) expect me to chase. They mostly date white women because by their own admission,Black women are uninterested. I totally see why though. White women who are legit hunters gas these fools up and a boy who is not even a 6 thinks he can pass on black girls. I had one man tell me that he cannot find classy black girls like me in NYC. Foolish idiot. I want to say this is just my experience but a friend that went to Yale expressed the same thing. The only women who say yes to them almost train them to think they are more than they are. Going by the stats,dudes believe it and want to upgrade their Beckies a few years after marriage.
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UmSumayyah said:
-
  • If a marriage consisted of a African American wife and a African American husband, the couple were less prone to divorce than the coupling between a white wife and a African American husband. White female and African American male couples also had the greatest chances of divorce out of all non-white and white marriages.
    • The same study uncovered that marriages involving an African American wife and a white husband had comparatively lower chances of ending up in divorce than marriages which involved both a white man and a white woman. The divorce rate of the former couple was almost 44 percent lower than the latter.
    • http://www.blogher.com/latest-statistics-divorce-rates-among-interracial-marriages
    • based on the ncfr study, cited in the articleView attachment 385873
    • =
    • Interracial marriages have a 41 percent chance of swirling out of control. Compare this to a 31 percent chance of divorce among same-race couples. According to the most recent data on the matter, 2008 figures show that the pairing of White females and Asian males are most vulnerable to divorce. Conversely, Black women and White men are most likely to stick by their vows.

      The probability of divorce by the 10th year of marriage, relative to White/White unions, are as follows:

      White Wife & Asian Husband – 59 percent more likely to divorce in comparison to same-race white couples

      White Wife & Black Husband – 50 percent more likely to divorce

      Asian Wife & White Husband – 4 percent more likely to divorce

      Black Wife & White Husband – 44 percent less likely to divorce.

    • http://madamenoire.com/432922/swirl-interracial-couples-america-numbers/
Doing a quick g search led me to a study that had substantially different numbers but bw still less likely to divorce if married to a wm than a bm. Very interesting and I may look at it tomorrow. Right now it is past my bed time.
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Insteresting how if a Male of COLOR marries a white woman, there is simply a higher chance of divorce. Period.
 
naturalgyrl5199 said:
Insteresting how if a Male of COLOR marries a white woman, there is simply a higher chance of divorce. Period.
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She brings her expectation of privilege that men of color usually can't provide even with money. I'm sure there are other reasons, but this is my first thought. Even if she marries a Chinese man in China where Chinese Men reign in terms of patriarchy.....its still not HER patriarchy and she can't adjust.

I have some related, but not safe for LHCF thoughts on why BW and WM work. :look:
 
Sky said:
Yes her time is definitely seen as not as important. This has come up at times with family issues - like everything / anything with him is super a priority over her xyz. So when she comes to visit me it's always a big deal like he can't function without having her on call.

Like a lot of you are saying it is a job and if you have that understanding it can work. Relationships are all about sacrificing. Somethings going to give. I think the smart women intentionally decide what that will be instead of letting it be decided my default or letting the man decide that. Go in with your eyes wide open. I didn't. And I would say be transparent because manipulation always backfires. I tried to be manipulative and change my husband , or thinking he would change if I tricked him enough into doing what I wanted - I just got exhausted and more resentful. If you marry a non baller non high roller chances are they are not going to all of a sudden explode and become this ambitious go getter. I don't care how much potential they have.

So yes I can come and go as I please and make my own schedule. But I'm also combing over bills with my husband trying to prioritize and plan and save. And there are days I really wish I didn't have to work. So yes it's a trade off. Definitely. And men want respect. Women want love. You have to know what you respect in a man. Because if you marry a man that you love ( which love is secondary to men behind respect ) but you don't respect him , you will emasculate him and degrade him and thus making it harder for him to love you and no one wins.
Click to expand...

Your post was real talk, especially the last paragraph. The truth is that a lot of these marriages fail for just that reason--if your DH earns less than you but income is what you most respect about a man--then yes, the marriage will be an epic fail. Just like if your DH says he loves you, but his actions don't indicate this, the marriage will be an epic fail. If you don't respect a man, it makes it harder for him to love you. And if he doesn't love you, it makes it hard to respect him. It's a catch-22 that can be really difficult to navigate.
 
intellectualuva said:
She brings her expectation of privilege that men of color usually can't provide even with money. I'm sure there are other reasons, but this is my first thought. Even if she marries a Chinese man in China where Chinese Men reign in terms of patriarchy.....its still not HER patriarchy and she can't adjust.

I have some related, but not safe for LHCF thoughts on why BW and WM work. :look:
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Seriously...

It was said in a previous thread that the BW and WM are the 2 most conservative groups in the country. The BW enjoys the privileges of proximity to whiteness and the WM enjoys the perks of being married to a BW...and we all know there are many.
 
intellectualuva said:
:drunk: you first. It may be the same one. You're a more senior LHCF-er than I am. Lol.
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Girl, you gotta learn how to dodge them e-tomatoes like this here :duck:

A theory as to why BW and WM work:

White fathers love their daughters and raise their sons. As a result white men carry the white community.
Black mothers love their sons and raise their daughters. As a result black women carry the black community.

Combine the feminine energy invested in a raised daughter with the masculine energy invested in a raised son and the result is a couple that not only knows how to get ish-t done, they will by default pick up each others slack because they've always been called upon and expected to pick up everyone's slack. The world views and expectations create a solid foundation to build upon.

Many BW/WM couples won't make it to marriage let alone divorce so it's not foolproof. There's a whole lot of other hurdles to be jumped before you can get to division of relationship labor.
 
:lachen:

Welp. What else is there to be said.

However my phrasing was much harsher. Raised/Loved versus expected to Mule or "work"/Not.

I do wonder why AW/BM aren't as successful either. Its not AW are pampered princesses. Some of them are definitely expected to work.
 
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