'marrying Down' Costs Educated Women $25k A Year

[Femmefatal1981]

I don't think I want to be a house wife. Any man who thinks I'll be cleaning up after him and his badass children for a career will be sadly mistaken.

I want to be a trophy wife. If I can't be a trophy wife I just want a rich man who thinks I'm a trophy. I don't like working or paying bills. It's not really me. I haven't really done a lot of it so I don't think I could ever really be good at it.

I feel you. Part of the reason I work is because I was a terrible housewife thanks to my mother who cleaned my room for me for years. Like...I wanted my kids at school and I needed help because I hate cleaning, lol. The mister while accommodating was not going for that. Teaching (aka working 180 days a year) is about as good of a compromise as I can come up with until I find a way to make more income from business.

 

[**SaSSy**]

If you have never met a black housewife married to a black man then that explains a whole lot regarding your experiences with black marriage and dating in general. Heck my mom has 2 sisters who never worked outside the home until their children no longer required them ( finished high school) and then they got "hobby jobs" to keep them occupied. My own mother didn't work until my parents divorced. I never had to look far for examples of the possibilities of black love so I never thought it was impossible.

Yes, I have examples of the true BW housewives in my family who never had to work, and their husbands provided fully for them and the entire family. But they are from the Baby Boomer generation. This new generation and the generation before it (Gen. X) who are BW is almost non exist as the true BW housewife. Every women I know my age or younger who are married have to work.

 

[Femmefatal1981]

@Femmefatal1981 do you have any examples of women in their 20s-30s?

I do, I have have a few sahm friends and I don't have any friends not married to AA men.

 

[Femmefatal1981]

Yes, I have examples of the true BW housewives in my family who never had to work, and their husbands provided fully for them and the entire family. But they are from the Baby Boomer generation. This new generation and the generation before it (Gen. X) who are BW is almost no exist as the true BW housewife. Every women I know my age or younger who are married have to work.

I know several women who work by choice, but only a few that have to work. The ones that work by choice mostly have moms who were single or who got burned by husband that left them high and dry. The wives that don t work are almost all married to men whose mothers never worked either.

 

[barbiesocialite]

I feel you. Part of the reason I work is because I was a terrible housewife thanks to my mother who cleaned my room for me for years. Like...I wanted my kids at school and I needed help because I hate cleaning, lol. The mister while accommodating was not going for that. Teaching (aka working 180 days a year) is about as good of a compromise as I can come up with until I find a way to make more income from business.

Was your husband's mom a career housewife?

 

[Sky]

I don't think I want to be a house wife. Any man who thinks I'll be cleaning up after him and his badass children for a career will be sadly mistaken.

I want to be a trophy wife. If I can't be a trophy wife I just want a rich man who thinks I'm a trophy. I don't like working or paying bills. It's not really me. I haven't really done a lot of it so I don't think I could ever really be good at it.

My sister is kinda in this position ( I say kinda only because she does like cleaning and cooking as a way to take care of her man, but she certainly doesn't have to financially or otherwise ). We are actually in exact opposite positions. There are of course pos/neg to both. There is a certain type of man as you probably know who wants a trophy wife. I know for me I couldn't be with that type of man. But there are a lot of things I envy for lack of a better word about her life - being jetted across the country regularly , having credit cards or lines of credit ( she doesn't even have to have the physical card because all the boutiques / stores know her) , networking with the top people in his field in the world , just the exclusiveness is what I love. You wait for nothing and with a few calls can have what you need. I will say once you live that life it's hard to go back. Like after visiting her a few times and doing everything VIP it was really hard to go back home and do some of the same things. But I do love my husband and have come to accept my situation. But more power to you if that's what you want. It's always good to know what you want.

 

[bubbles12345]

My sister is kinda in this position ( I say kinda only because she does like cleaning and cooking as a way to take care of her man, but she certainly doesn't have to financially or otherwise ). We are actually in exact opposite positions. There are of course pos/neg to both. There is a certain type of man as you probably know who wants a trophy wife. I know for me I couldn't be with that type of man. But there are a lot of things I envy for lack of a better word about her life - being jetted across the country regularly , having credit cards or lines of credit ( she doesn't even have to have the physical card because all the boutiques / stores know her) , networking with the top people in his field in the world , just the exclusiveness is what I love. You wait for nothing and with a few calls can have what you need. I will say once you live that life it's hard to go back. Like after visiting her a few times and doing everything VIP it was really hard to go back home and do some of the same things. But I do love my husband and have come to accept my situation. But more power to you if that's what you want. It's always good to know what you want.

General question for anyone:

What type of man wants a trophy wife and why wouldn't you want to be with one?

 

[barbiesocialite]

I appreciated reading such an honest post @Sky

Everyone has to settle to some degree because there's no such thing as a perfect mate. At the same.time what works for some doesn't work for others. Some of the things some women put up with are my dealbreakers. On the flip side some of the things that are normal and quite comfortable for me are deal breakers to other women.

We all have to choose.

The debate then becomes who decides the manner in which one chooses to settle would actually be most beneficial and leave the most positive lasting influence on black women and their families? And that seems to be where many seem to disagree in this thread.

 

[Femmefatal1981]

Was your husband's mom a career housewife?

She worked a little when he was a little kid because she had her mom to help. When they moved away she stayed home until he went to college. Even now she only works here and there when she's bored. When we lived in town she didn't work because she had my kids to keep her busy as soon as we moved away she went back to work, lol.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

If you have never met a black housewife married to a black man then that explains a whole lot regarding your experiences with black marriage and dating in general. Heck my mom has 2 sisters who never worked outside the home until their children no longer required them ( finished high school) and then they got "hobby jobs" to keep them occupied. My own mother didn't work until my parents divorced. I never had to look far for examples of the possibilities of black love so I never thought it was impossible.

I'm curious as to what it explains since I didn't realize that there was a connection between Black love and housewifery. Do men with SAHW/M's love their spouses more? I related the SAH option to a cultural and mostly financial relationship dynamic but if it's a symbol of love then wives across the board are really in trouble.

BTW- My black mother was married to my black father. Every black woman my mother socialized with (and related to) was married, separated or divorced from a black man and since she was Eastern Star that was a whole lot of 'black love' and every one of those women had jobs or were retired.

As an adult in SoCal, the majority of black women I know who are married to black men are from a church I use to belong to and even the first lady of the church gets a W-2 at the end of the year.

The women who post about SAH status are usually southerners so an argument might be made about geographic location but I doubt its large enough to count as a norm.

 

[Femmefatal1981]

I'm curious as to what it explains since I didn't realize that there was a connection between Black love and housewifery. Do men with SAHW/M's love their spouses more? I related the SAH option to a cultural and mostly financial relationship dynamic but if it's a symbol of love then wives across the board are really in trouble.

BTW- My black mother was married to my black father. Every black woman my mother socialized with (and related to) was married, separated or divorced from a black man and since she was Eastern Star that was a whole lot of 'black love' and every one of those women had jobs or were retired.

As an adult in SoCal, the majority of black women I know who are married to black men are from a church I use to belong to and even the first lady of the church gets a W-2 at the end of the year.

The women who post about SAH status are usually southerners so an argument might be made about geographic location but I doubt its large enough to count as a norm.

It explains why you think things that are/were place in my life are impossible/don't exist. You've never seen it...

In my life black love comes in every way shape and form. Good, bad, legendary, hot mess, unicorn, donkey ...all of it can happen based on the choices made by the bm or bw involved

 

[Crackers Phinn]

Well, unlike giant talking M&Ms, they DO exist. I know some.

Four Leaf Clovers exist too. IJS

I thought Barbie and Crackers were talking about standards of housewives. Like even when BW married to BM are housewives, they are still expected to "work" in some way, thus, not being "true" housewives. Maybe I read it wrong.

You read it right as far as what I meant. If you are required by the IRS to file taxes even though you are at home all day, that's not being a housewife.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Four Leaf Clovers exist too. IJS

You read it right as far as what I meant. If you are required by the IRS to file taxes even though you are at home all day, that's not being a housewife.

this is true.

Frequent side or part-time jobs à la Tisha Campbell on Everybody Loves Chris or working from home being a WAHW/M is not the same as being a housewife.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

I don't think I want to be a house wife. Any man who thinks I'll be cleaning up after him and his badass children for a career will be sadly mistaken.

I want to be a trophy wife. If I can't be a trophy wife I just want a rich man who thinks I'm a trophy. I don't like working or paying bills. It's not really me. I haven't really done a lot of it so I don't think I could ever really be good at it.

I don't want to be a housewife either. That implies housework which is something else I try to avoid. I just wanted a husband to pay for everything and not complain about doing it. My grandma Foster, who had multiple black insurance payouts...I mean husbands, told all of us young'uns that a man ready to hand over his paycheck in silence should be the ultimate goal and G'Ma kept her job at a dry cleaners for 40 years. This was a friend of my mothers not my blood grandmother. That woman was a ******** hoot.

 

[barbiesocialite]

I just wanted a husband to pay for everything and not complain about doing it.

THANK YOU!!!

I don't think that's too much to ask for. It's pretty easy and simple. And it makes me happy which makes me easy and simple too.

 

[brownb83]

I'm curious as to what it explains since I didn't realize that there was a connection between Black love and housewifery. Do men with SAHW/M's love their spouses more? I related the SAH option to a cultural and mostly financial relationship dynamic but if it's a symbol of love then wives across the board are really in trouble.

BTW- My black mother was married to my black father. Every black woman my mother socialized with (and related to) was married, separated or divorced from a black man and since she was Eastern Star that was a whole lot of 'black love' and every one of those women had jobs or were retired.

As an adult in SoCal, the majority of black women I know who are married to black men are from a church I use to belong to and even the first lady of the church gets a W-2 at the end of the year.

The women who post about SAH status are usually southerners so an argument might be made about geographic location but I doubt its large enough to count as a norm.

you took me back with Eastern Star.

 

[barbiesocialite]

you took me back with Eastern Star.

omg this ish is actually my life.

Gram and her gotdamn white dresses and Eastern Star activities on the weekend. Look its too cold for all dat. Plus youre not supposed to wear white after Labor Day. gawd whenever I see what she calls the young girls (under 40) I feel a whiff of something funky that makes me turn my nose up.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

General question for anyone:

What type of man wants a trophy wife and why wouldn't you want to be with one?

I won't waste my breath trying to discourage @barbiesocialite about the Trophy Wife track but that **** seems to me to be a suckers game especially if you're planning to be one and done when it comes to marriage.

The type of man under 50 who wants a trophy wife is the type of man who is going to want a new trophy wife after that new car smell fades off the current one. That's some you got to be prepared to get in and rob his a-- before he throws you out type ****. Some chicks are built for that but there's a whole lot who think they are but ain't.

 

[barbiesocialite]

I won't waste my breath trying to discourage @barbiesocialite about the Trophy Wife track but that **** seems to me to be a suckers game especially if you're planning to be one and done when it comes to marriage.

The type of man under 50 who wants a trophy wife is the type of man who is going to want a new trophy wife after that new car smell fades off the current one. That's some you got to be prepared to get in and rob his a-- before he throws you out type ****. Some chicks are built for that but there's a whole lot who think they are but ain't.

I'm actually very particular and practical, I think.

My rules are:

1. No one under 30.
2. No one worth less than $1MIL upon initial meeting
3. No one who's youngest minimum age requirement is younger than 28. Also, no one with a maximum preference of less than 35.
4. If they are over 40 has to be divorced or widowed.
5. No one who's most recent ex lived like or gave me initial thought of a feminist.
6. Oh yea, and if they are too big of a fish I need them to be at least 60 and ready for their last wife.

It's been working out pretty well. There are sooo many options these days. white, black, hispanic, indian. They love to initiate and pursue without hesistation. I had no idea how many men there are so close by that love collecting passport stamps and like being generous with their success. Now I'm glad I decided to finally start leaving the house again. Men really arent that bad. I might actually consider being in a real adult relationship eventually that I might want to actually stay in. lol

 

[Menina Preta]

I'm actually very particular and practical, I think.

My rules are:

1. No one under 30.
2. No one worth less than $1MIL upon initial meeting
3. No one who's youngest minimum age requirement is younger than 28. Also, no one with a maximum preference of less than 35.
4. If they are over 40 has to be divorced or widowed.
5. No one who's most recent ex lived like or gave me initial thought of a feminist.

lol good luck with all of that.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

you took me back with Eastern Star.

It's still around. I can't wear white without getting brown foundation fingerprints errwhere so I can't join.

 

[UmSumayyah]

You don't have to say that. I've dated enough white men in my past to know they usually date us for reasons that have nothing to do with the vision of marrying long-term (unless that have something to gain).

There was also some NYTimes article that made mention of how highly unsuccessful interracial marriages are when compared to marrying within your race/ethnicity. Statistically, black marriages remain more stable than interracial ones.

And you haven't answered my earlier question: are you a married woman?

Did you find the NYT article you were talking about?

 

[barbiesocialite]

lol good luck with all of that.

Are you kidding me???

There is literally an ocean of these men. I dont get why women act like these guys are scarce or hard to find. They are everywhere!

 

[UmSumayyah]

Are you kidding me???

There is literally an ocean of these men. I dont get why women act like these guys are scarce or hard to find. They are everywhere!

I must concur-ish. I am not saying they grow on trees but there are a fair amount in the DMV.

 

[Lymegreen]

I won't waste my breath trying to discourage @barbiesocialite about the Trophy Wife track but that **** seems to me to be a suckers game especially if you're planning to be one and done when it comes to marriage.

The type of man under 50 who wants a trophy wife is the type of man who is going to want a new trophy wife after that new car smell fades off the current one. That's some you got to be prepared to get in and rob his a-- before he throws you out type ****. Some chicks are built for that but there's a whole lot who think they are but ain't.

Not to mention sex on demand. It's hard enough for 'regular' wives to keep up with the sexual desires of their mate. Let alone a man who feels he is entitled to you whenever wherever.

 

[UmSumayyah]

I must concur-***. I am not saying they grow on trees but there are a fair amount in the DMV.

lol censored. I was using three letters as a suffix, as in blackish.

 

[NijaG]

Financially he's not the average joe and everyone is set. Quiet as it's kept, his SES and looks makes a lot of women overlook the kids part.

I guess sometimes my perspective is skewed because of my culture.

I can only take such a risk with someone like him if he has one child only and it's a girl.

Boy was no go area for me as a single never married no kids woman. Too much cultural stress with Igbo people regarding that aspect.

 

[Sky]

General question for anyone:

What type of man wants a trophy wife and why wouldn't you want to be with one?

I wouldn't want to be one for the following reasons :

* my sister spends an enormous time at the gym and looking on point. She is a former model and is very pretty. But she has to stay on point. This is very important to her husband. Like perfect as far as weight , skin , etc. it's a job y'all.

* she knows nothing about his money except he has lots of it. She doesn't pay a bill or have to worry about anything finacially. But she's not privy to anything. They do have a pre nup and she gets a nice allowance. But just the whole allowance and me not knowing what's going on would bother me. But then again she has a condo he bought for her in her name and they have a prenup that leaves her with stuff so she won't be walking away broke if that happened.

* she has to be available for all his events , many of which she doesn't sometimes want to go. And she has to smile , say the right thing , etc. she's very smart but again can't have an off day and can't ever have like an attitude or be seemingly ungracious.

* being available for him means his events take priority. So if she has something planned of course it's not as important as whatever he's got going which is always tied to money even if it seems like it's not. So she has to check his calendar when making plans , if that makes sense.

* all the places they go have to be upper upper echelon which is nice but because of his position and future ambition ( he's not famous just rich) they can't just go anywhere. Like so he has a long list of places that " oh I could never be seen there " which sounds "cool" at first until you realize that you may have regular folk who just want to meet for a meal at red lobster or stay at the Marriott residence inn instead of the ritz Carlton. Like he would never do those regular things. He will not fly south west for example. Some of these things he just would never have to do because of perks he gets with the major airlines but it's a long list of things they don't do that us regular folks do. And they can afford to be that way and aren't at all extravagant but the
standards for everything always apply without exception. It's the without exception I don't like.

That's all I can think of that are the main things right now ... I'm sure there's more if I thought about it. He's a really nice guy though.

 

[Femmefatal1981]

this is true.

Frequent side or part-time jobs à la Tisha Campbell on Everybody Loves Chris or working from home being a WAHW/M is not the same as being a housewife.

Right it's not, but the women I'm talking about don't do any of that.

 

[Femmefatal1981]

I wouldn't want to be one for the following reasons :

* my sister spends an enormous time at the gym and looking on point. She is a former model and is very pretty. But she has to stay on point. This is very important to her husband. Like perfect as far as weight , skin , etc. it's a job y'all.

* she knows nothing about his money except he has lots of it. She doesn't pay a bill or have to worry about anything finacially. But she's not privy to anything. They do have a pre nup and she gets a nice allowance. But just the whole allowance and me not knowing what's going on would bother me. But then again she has a condo he bought for her in her name and they have a prenup that leaves her with stuff so she won't be walking away broke if that happened.

* she has to be available for all his events , many of which she doesn't sometimes want to go. And she has to smile , say the right thing , etc. she's very smart but again can't have an off day and can't ever have like an attitude or be seemingly ungracious.

* being available for him means his events take priority. So if she has something planned of course it's not as important as whatever he's got going which is always tied to money even if it seems like it's not. So she has to check his calendar when making plans , if that makes sense.

* all the places they go have to be upper upper echelon which is nice but because of his position and future ambition ( he's not famous just rich) they can't just go anywhere. Like so he has a long list of places that " oh I could never be seen there " which sounds "cool" at first until you realize that you may have regular folk who just want to meet for a meal at red lobster or stay at the Marriott residence inn instead of the ritz Carlton. Like he would never do those regular things. He will not fly south west for example. Some of these things he just would never have to do because of perks he gets with the major airlines but it's a long list of things they don't do that us regular folks do. And they can afford to be that way and aren't at all extravagant but the
standards for everything always apply without exception. It's the without exception I don't like.

That's all I can think of that are the main things right now ... I'm sure there's more if I thought about it. He's a really nice guy though.

What if I told you I know women who work who have to do all these same things. Now that's what I find unreasonable...for your sisters situation I think it's pretty standard.