'marrying Down' Costs Educated Women $25k A Year

[yardyspice]

I too have a lot of amazing single friends and I'm very clear that it's a numbers game. I also understand that it's possible for us to at least try to make better choices and part of that is having as much info as possible. What I learned from this thread that some BW have a lot invested in in the "work with a brother because if he already has resources, something must be wrong with him" rhetoric.

My comment was directed to the women who always want to focus on the negative or encourage BW to continue engaging in behaviors that clearly ARE NOT WORKING. Even though theoretically everyone has potential, there's a HUGE difference between acting on that potential and sitting around making excuses. That's just common sense.

Laying out the facts is not "attacking" anyone, but I also understand that people who feel attacked go hard to justify their choices. That's why I'm never surprised when these discussions devolve as posters grasp at straws to "prove" that continuing to behave recklessly with our and our children's financial futures by blindly gambling on potential is a good idea.

If you are going to marry down, then know what you're getting into. That's what the article is about and all I was saying.

There's a number imbalance. Many of us are not going to find a man who's our financial/educational equal. It is what it is. Burying our heads in the sand and pretending that love is currency is ridiculous and why some BW stay losing. I have no patience for people who are determined to lose and even less patience for those who encourage other BW to make bad decisions. If you found a diamond in the rough and you have an amazing life, I'm happy for you (no snark). But let's stop pretending that every guy out there just needs a good woman to be patient and supportive. A lot of these guys out here are straight up bums, delusional about their futures, or think that BW should always work even if they don't need to because "no woman is going to live on their dime." There are also some good guys who don't think that supporting a woman makes them a simp; they see it as a badge of honor. The former group will never run out of options because women are lining up to "work with them." The rest of us who don't want to be voluntary mules should focus on finding the latter. I'd rather try and fail than not try at all and I encourage other BW to do the same in every area of life.

I never said anything about "working w/ a brother" because that would assume that the man is not serious and that he has the potential to move up several income brackets. I have very specific needs for my life but if I didn't, if I were in my late 30s w/ no prospect of finding a man my specific income requirements, I would make some adjustments. Please note that I am not encouraging black women to lower their standards instead I am saying adjust those standards.

re: the bolded, love and time not aren't commodities that we can play with.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

Adjusting financial standards IS lowering them. I know you don't like it but for some being single parent IS better than being with a partner whose definition of pulling their weight is far below equal. The myth of the lesser income but fulfilling in all other ways man is just that a myth.

 

[greight]

Adjusting financial standards IS lowering them. I know you don't like it but for some being single parent IS better than being with a partner whose definition of pulling their weight is far below equal. The myth of the lesser income but fulfilling in all other ways man is just that a myth.

This. Nothing ages and brings down a woman faster than a no good man.

 

[kblc06]

I just came to say that this is the realest post in this thread. /closed. Know yourself and think about what's important for you to feel secure and loved,

This is an interesting topic that I have a few thoughts about. First, I think in some ways this topic is over simplified. There are a lot of nuance but still a lot of truth in what I've read in this thread..

 

[JFK]

This bodes well for Black lesbians looking for Black partners since Black women are more educated than any other group.

Yoooooooo.......the educated Black lesbian couples I know in the DMV are ballllllling.

Talk about a financially and politically savvy group. They are seriously on it.

 

[PrissiSippi]

Adjusting financial standards IS lowering them. I know you don't like it but for some being single parent IS better than being with a partner whose definition of pulling their weight is far below equal. The myth of the lesser income but fulfilling in all other ways man is just that a myth.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Oh my baby makes less than me but cooks takes care of the kids and provides for his family.....Anamoly. That ish doesn't happen.

Instead we just dance around the topic of settling but calling it another name.

 

[janiebaby]

Yoooooooo.......the educated Black lesbian couples I know in the DMV are ballllllling.

Talk about a financially and politically savvy group. They are seriously on it.

I've seen the same thing in my neck of the woods

My friends friend and I were taking care of my friends' kids while my friend and her husband went on vacay and were joking about becoming sister wives. It's a shame because we were like OK "I think I want want a wife not a husband" husband in our minds = wife working harder to pick up the slack even if it's just trying to out manipulate him to keep that from happening

 

[janiebaby]

Thank you for your honesty @Sky

I think knowing yourself is absolutely right. I know I'm going to have to settle on a lot of things. I know what I won't settle for but I'm not that clear on what I will settle for and I don't think it's a unique position to be in unfortunately. I know I can't stay here long though

 

[FelaShrine]

Interesting thread

I wonder if this is also why black lesbians usually end up with white women.

 

[yardyspice]

This. Nothing ages and brings down a woman faster than a no good man.

I think we are conflating "no good" w/ income bracket.

 

[SimplyLive]

Interesting thread

I wonder if this is also why black lesbians usually end up with white women.

Really? I thought vast majority date/marry amongst themselves. Yuck.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

This bodes well for Black lesbians looking for Black partners since Black women are more educated than any other group.

Black lesbians don't date other black lesbians, lol.

 

[FelaShrine]

Really? I thought vast majority date/marry amongst themselves. Yuck.

lol. No.

Why yuck? Black Lesbians care about losing 25K too.

 

[SimplyLive]

lol. No.

Why yuck? Black Lesbians care about losing 25K too.

Nothing sexier than BW, the most beautiful in the world. If I was lesbian, BW would be the only possible partners to date and marry. Plus, it is not hard to find successful BW.

 

[JFK]

Black lesbians don't date other black lesbians, lol.

I think it differs depending on the region.

I know the DMV is unique in a lot of ways and this may be another one of them. There are loads of Black lesbian couples here.

Black lesbians are with white lesbians here too but they are mightily shunned.....I've seen it.

And they're not welcomed back after the white girl leaves her ass for a white girl.

 

[JFK]

I think it differs depending on the region.

I know the DMV is unique in a lot of ways and this may be another one of them. There are loads of Black lesbian couples here.

Black lesbians are with white lesbians here too but they are mightily shunned.....I've seen it.

And they're not welcomed back after the white girl leaves her ass for a white girl.

ETA: also, the Black lesbians I've seen with White lesbians seem to be on the hunt for a career come up and a lot of them (interracial couples) are in tech strangely.

 

[PeaceFlow]

This. It's one reason I'm not opposed to IR dating. Maintaining or upgrading my lifestyle is more important. Especially in California the married professional BW I come across are with WM or AM.

Intercultural is also an option. I have met a lot more African guys that are career focused and in decent/well paying sectors than guys from my own background (Caribbean).

Plus if I am talking about men from my background...

First of all I'd have to somehow regularly find British Caribbean guys that make at least twice my earnings. Then out of that small pool I'd have to find one that is not attached, no kids, looking for a serious relationship and also sees a pretty, dark skinned woman as enough of a prize*.

* I know that British Caribs many times treat my type of look as more "regular", whereas great on paper British Africans, whites, or other ethnicity men often rate my face waay higher which allows me climb further. It is what it is. Opening up to other black men is a good idea to maximise chances.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Black lesbians don't date other black lesbians, lol.

I won't post receipts but that's not accurate. Black lesbians date and in fact marry Black lesbians. The ones I personally know are in Texas, NC (married) and NY (married). Others that I've seen post in one of my Facebook groups are in other states.

 

[Dellas]

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/11...s-why-earning-more-can-poison-a-marriage.html






People want to make this a blackfemale issue sometimes but this is a gender issues and expectations

 

[Holla]

Adjusting financial standards IS lowering them. I know you don't like it but for some being single parent IS better than being with a partner whose definition of pulling their weight is far below equal. The myth of the lesser income but fulfilling in all other ways man is just that a myth.

I agree. It is nothing to hear of fathers, uncles, grandfathers who earned less than their wives at one point during their marriage. Especially when Black women could more easily get jobs in women dominated, stable salary paying professions as nurses, secretaries, teachers, etc. They often married men who were more mechanics, plumbers, electricians, construction workers, etc. and those incomes were not as steady. In earlier years, men may have earned less than their wives BUT - and that's a BIG OLE BUT! - the men contributed to the household in other ways. They fixed things in the house, fixed cars, built extensions on homes, etc. That alone amounted to thousands per year that did not come from household income.


Today, I know women married to men who make less than them and those men don't know how to do JACK in the home. Nothing! Not replace a tile, stop a leaking toilet, change the oil, nothing. So the women are paying other men to come into their homes to do things. Even yardwork! That has got to be draining mentally and financially. Today it is a myth that men with lesser income make up for it in other ways. Most do not.

 

[bubbles12345]

Would y'all rather a bw marry another bw or a non BM if she couldn't find a BM to marry up with?

 

[NijaG]

Would y'all rather a bw marry another bw or a non BM if she couldn't find a BM to marry up with?

YUP

Concentrate on you own personal need for a spouse/serious SO first and kids (if u want them).

Women have a certain time period where options are more bountiful and the male pickings come with way less baggage generally.

Expanding your options keeps keeps or removes the feeling of lack in the dating/marriage arena.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Would y'all rather a bw marry another bw or a non BM if she couldn't find a BM to marry up with?

I don't think sexuality is fluid. However, some people do what they need to do in order to get by.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

I think it differs depending on the region.

I know the DMV is unique in a lot of ways and this may be another one of them. There are loads of Black lesbian couples here.

Black lesbians are with white lesbians here too but they are mightily shunned.....I've seen it.

And they're not welcomed back after the white girl leaves her ass for a white girl.

I won't post receipts but that's not accurate. Black lesbians date and in fact marry Black lesbians. The ones I personally know are in Texas, NC (married) and NY (married). Others that I've seen post in one of my Facebook groups are in other states.

IME.

 

[hothair]

Is there enough BM in higher caliber positions for BW in mass to start marrying up? I agree with the "marrying up" premise but what about the logistics?

Here I have to say who cares? Educated black women need to marry well even if that means marrying out so they concentrate on raising boys who understand these values which opens up more options for black women in the near future.

Black men will be fine.

 

[Fine 4s]

@yardyspice

ITA with your points of making adjustments. Father Time keeps it moving.

 

[Femmefatal1981]

Here I have to say who cares? Educated black women need to marry well even if that means marrying out so they concentrate on raising boys who understand these values which opens up more options for black women in the near future.

Black men will be fine.

They actually won't be fine...and unfortunately all these black women will do is raise boys who are more likely to marry non black women like all biracial children. Next thing you know you have wiped out your black bloodline. Having a black mother isn't some magic cure all.

 

[Kanky]

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/11...s-why-earning-more-can-poison-a-marriage.html






People want to make this a blackfemale issue sometimes but this is a gender issues and expectations

It happens to black women more often and at lower salaries.

 

[Dellas]

It happens to black women more often and at lower salaries.

Yes, it applies to black females more.

But the reaction to the issue seems to be blame the black female for not being XYZ...

Instead it is a gender issue that is to blame for those situations not working out. I guess my post didn't go into that much detail.

 

[hothair]

They actually won't be fine...and unfortunately all these black women will do is raise boys who are more likely to marry non black women like all biracial children. Next thing you know you have wiped out your black bloodline. Having a black mother isn't some magic cure all.

Not necessarily. In that case they would be mothering their children from black men the same.
Some of the most problack folk I know married out, I married to a black man care a lot less abouf "saving" adult men who in too many cases would not do the same.

DH and I already know our kids are black and we'd be raising them to gain the best out of life, especially with daughters who i would not encourage to marry down for any reason.