This is some of the best advice I've seen on this forum! Preach!
@sunnydaze
I dated a deadbeat in college and am so glad that I dumped him. Granted, he wasn't a deadbeat when I met him at the auto parts store driving a supped up sportscar. He had two jobs back then and his dad & step mom were great people (professors). His cousin was in school (HBCU) and they were roommates. That all went downhill quickly. That sportscar was eventually repossessed.
I helped him apply to colleges since I was moving to NYC for law school. He said he wasn't moving, which was fine, but at the last minute, he did move too (to live with his mother in NYC not me). We brought up some of his things (not furniture) in the moving truck although he did not move that day. He decided to drive up with his brother from NYC. We dropped his things at his mother's house. I should have known then that the family was a mess. We called first, and she said it was okay to bring the stuff. I had never met her. She was drunk around 8 am.
He did attend the college I picked. I dumped him after my first year in NYC. He tried to move in with me after I bought my place. He was here all the time, leaving a toothbrush and clothes. He wasn't trying to do anything but be a leech. His mom complained to me once about how sad it was that her house was falling apart although she had 6 adult kids who should have been helping her. Some of them came to her house to eat and one adult son still had his mom cooking for him although he did not live there (married with 3 kids).
The more successful I became, the more hateful he became. After I got a 1L summer job at a law firm he was resentful. I was at all these fancy summer associate events, that he said he didn't want to attend, and he caught an attitude when I attended solo. The last straw was when he got all jealous about me dancing at a house party with his brother.....his gay brother at his gay partner's house. He was always looking for a reason to be angry. So, I gave him one. Packed his crap in a garbage bag and told him that it was over.
This guy called me for YEARS to try to let me know he was successful. I let him take me to dinner a few years later for a late birthday gift and we went to his 2 bedroom apartment. We were there for about an hour talking and watching tv. He never showed me around. I just saw the living room, dining area and an open kitchen. About an hour later, his cousin comes walking from the back. This is the same cousin from back home that was his roommate. We spoke and caught up for a bit. The cousin left to go back to his room. A while later, a woman came to the kitchen. I presumed she was a date/girlfriend and chatted with her for a couple of minutes. No, she lived there too. This fool did not live there at all. He was couch surfing. I went home.
A few years later he started calling again. He called off and on for months until I was finally at home. DH had been asking if he wanted to leave messages but that last time, DH asked for his name. He didn't leave a message but did finally give his name. I was at home the last time he called (caller ID showed his name) and it was more nonsense. He called to tell me about some job (dealing with hazmat at job sites) and also about his travels to Fiji. He bragged about the job (his uncle got it for him) and how he basically cut out most of the day but still got paid for 8 hours. I guess I was supposed to be impressed about his Fiji trip for a week but instead I told him we had island-hopped for 3 weeks in the French Polynesian islands for our honeymoon since I'm married now and that guy who kept answering the phone is my husband. He quickly got off the phone and never called again. His ego made him call me for years until he finally got his ish together (although he very well may still live with his mom).
Okay, I wrote a book but yeah, this advice rings true. I still cannot believe I was going so hard for that deadbeat trying to turn him into a better man.
I wish these young girls out here would listen to this..b/c this is the biggest way we get bamboozled. I don't care what anyone says..men do not want women who have seen them at their lowest. Their egos cannot handle it. The "ride or die mentality" is pure bs..and most men deep down know it as well. This is why they go off and get someone else as soon as soon as they come up. The new woman will only have known him in the image he wants her to see; succesful, confident, a winner. But you as the ride or die, are a constant reminder of his shortcomings.
Women we expect our ability to "help" to be rewarded, men just don't operate like that. Matter of fact, the more "help" you offer a man, the more likely he will resent you for it, even while taking the help being offered.
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