Making plates for your SO

[Son26]

I don't have a problem with doing it either but I don't want anyone to tell me me that it is my duty[/b[ to do certain things.................that's when the problems start.

I agree. I've always had a problem with people telling me I have to do certain things because I'm a female. I think it's from growing up in a household where my brother sat on his behind (I called him The Prince when we were growing up, lol) while I had to do the cleaning and sometimes the cooking because "you're a girl." I wouldn't have a problem doing it for the man I love, but he'd better not make me feel that it's my duty to make his plate.

Your SO's father was out of line. I would have given him the evil eye, lol.

 

[Ramya]

Nope, I know plenty of Southern white women who do it too!
But in my parts we EXPECT our man to open the door for us too. My momma waits in the car for him to come around and let her out even.

Exactly. I don't touch doors if there is an able-bodied man near it. I refuse

 

[lux10023]

chica thats rule#2353

fixing your mans plate in front of the family---

ditto to what everyone else said---in front of the fam u gotta make it happen---we all know everyones watching...;o)

 

[DarkHair]

I don't think you were wrong OP.

I just ask DH if he wants me to fix his plate. Its either yes or no.

 

[Christina Dior]

umm no he can make his own plate

 

[weaveologist]

We have been together for 5 years and yes we have discussed gender roles. I gew up around women and was raised by a a single parent. My mom, grandma, sister, and myself are always the ones around and I am the one who takes out the garbage, it anything needs to be fixed around the house I fix it. the men in my family are sorry pieces of men. I just feel like in a relationship thingd should be both ways. I have a lot of married friends and they all say that they get tired of making plates for the hubbies. They were also raised in a household where the women made plates when they were younger.

I feel like as women, we have our natural roles and men have thiers. I think that's where his father was coming from. Back in the day women did things like that and then the evolution of the "independent" woman came along and now the gender roles are mixed.

I am not saying that as women we should be on bended knee for our man but IF he is indeed a man, I would make him a plate.

 

[weaveologist]

Nope, I know plenty of Southern white women who do it too!
But in my parts we EXPECT our man to open the door for us too. My momma waits in the car for him to come around and let her out even.

I totally agree. Some women expect all chivalry from a man but we have to play our part too.

 

[Kalani]

dtachi - you are too much girl :0).

LOL! What's funny is that I can actually be quite a girly girl (when it comes to make-up, primping, etc..).

Its just that growing up with my mom being single parent I watched her wear all the different hats. She can change oil in the car, fix the plumbing, heck she even built a shed! She is an amazing woman.
Anyway, when I got old enough I did my part to help out, which meant mowing the lawn (where I discovered I loved it!) and helping her fix things around the house. I never did take to the traditional female household roles (ex:I don't like cooking erplexed). What's funny is when I start dating a guy, one of the first things I find out is whether he prefers (or expects) traditional gender roles to play out in a relationship. If he does, I keep it moving. I've learned from past experiences that it's just better when the guy and I are on the same page when it comes to those sorts of things.

 

[FAMUDva]

LOL! What's funny is that I can actually be quite a girly girl (when it comes to make-up, primping, etc..).

Its just that growing up with my mom being single parent I watched her wear all the different hats. She can change oil in the car, fix the plumbing, heck she even built a shed! She is an amazing woman.
Anyway, when I got old enough I did my part to help out, which meant mowing the lawn (where I discovered I loved it!) and helping her fix things around the house. I never did take to the traditional female household roles (ex:I don't like cooking erplexed). What's funny is when I start dating a guy, one of the first things I find out is whether he prefers (or expects) traditional gender roles to play out in a relationship. If he does, I keep it moving. I've learned from past experiences that it's just better when the guy and I are on the same page when it comes to those sorts of things.

My mom and both my grandmothers were single parents. My mom raised one daughter (me ) and I saw her fix stuff around the house, etc... she even taught me how to install my own ceiling fans, mow the lawn, and all the gender things that men traditionally do... that still didn't mean that she doesn't allow a man to do those things if he is willing to. I am now married and even though I know how to mow the lawn, doesn't mean I plan to do it! My DH does a fantastic job at that.

My point is that, just because I believe in certain traditional things doesn't mean I was only raised to wait on a man to open my door or take out my trash, or install my light fixture. I like being hailed as his Queen. Which means, I enjoy lifting him as my King. It's a 2 way street and for me I love it Plus fixing a plate is certainly not that difficult as compared to the things I in turn leave for him to do

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Yep, I make DH's plate most of the time when we are at home because I do most of the cooking. When he cooks (ususally breakfast), he makes my plate. When we are at family events, I typically do make his plate since it's so crowded and I don't want him to lose his seat. He will also make his own plate while I make my own if it's buffet service for the event & seating available.

I don't see the big deal; however, it's just something that I do without thinking.

I also tend to make plates for my grandma & my great aunt (93) since they cannot get their own plates with the crowds.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

Have not read through this entire thread but I have no problem fixing a plate for my HUSBAND 100% of the time. If a man isn't my husband, I dunno.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

THese 3 responses sum me up. I was raised by VERY Southern (Geechee) old school women. This was the type of hospitatilty my grandmothers imparted on all the male family members. And as a matter of fact, My maternal grandmother wouldn't eat until everyone had a plate, and often times she fixed her guests plates.

I've never had a problem fixing my DH's plate and like Alabama I mostly like to do it. When I'm not in the mood to do it, I don't. Like Southernbella, I get cranky when I'm hungry and he understands that. And sometimes he fixes my plates.

The one thing about me and my DH is that while we're young and a "new generation" southern couple, we both hold on to (and enjoy) very traditional gender roles. That's not to say I'm his maid, but we are each other's help mates. He doesn't refuse to do anything nor does he expect me to do anything... God knows he's learned after 10 yrs together that I ain't doing NOTHING I don't feel like or want to do.

I was raised traditionally southern as well and women always fixed the plates for their husbands. However, this duty wasn't forced upon non-married couples. The thinking of the females I grew up around was generally that you don't do wifely duties for a man who isn't your husband. If a man wants the KING treatment, he needs to put a ring on it. Hmm...perhaps this is what Beyonce was talking about!

 

[HoneyDew]

I think relationships are a two way street.

Something like fixing someone's plate is not that serious. I look at it as doing something nice and caring for someone in my life. He would do the same for me.

Now if he thinks it is "my job" then we would not last. I feel like in a relationship, two people are in it together.

Most of the men I know these days would not even want to be a position to feel like a woman needs to fix his plate anyway.

I am from the south (Mississippi) but it is also 2009 and women's (and men's) roles in relationships are not the same as they used to be.

 

[DSP]

I make my husbands plate, my kids to. My father and grandfather if they are visiting. I have always done it and will continue to. Why not do it? To me its one way I show him I love him.

My love language is servicing people.

My love language is giving DH awesome ----.

At home we set all our food on the table and serve each other - DH carves the meat and we pass the side dishes to each other. I get the drinks from the kitchen. At my relatives' I will make up a plate for him - I know what he'll like and it's just easier. When we're at a party, DH fixes my plate since I'm usually yacking away and forget to eat. Basically, we do whatever works at the time.

And that is the bottomline, his dad was out of order. And I hate when people try to call me out in front of people. People think twice when they see they can't bully you or make you feel bad. So long as your baby doesn't care about the plate thing, who cares, it's nobody else's business. Sometimes I make dh's plate, sometimes I don't. He doesn't expect me to.

I can't stand people trying to control me or shame me in front of others. I don't care who it is. With my rebellious personality, even if I wanted to make his plate, I wouldn't do it after that exchange. Folks would just have to talk about me after I leave. Childhood beatings made me this way. I guess they backfired.

 

[yokoyokogirl]

Yoyo girl - you made me laugh when you said you get irked when you are eating and he asks you for some potatoes and/or juice. I totally agree with you in that us women have come so far.

When we first started dating, he would try that ish as I was mid-mouthful. Like "baby can I have some more potatoes" and hold his plate out at me. I got up a few times then I got hip to it and said "sure baby" and kept on eating. (He got it that he can get his own) But if I'm already up no prob--mid chewing? No way....kids are a diff. story though...I plan to use the "clean your plate first before seconds" line with them.

 

[trendybosschicebz]

Lol, Me and my fiance have this discussion ALL the time. I feel like he tends to take advantage of the situation. Expecting me to fix his plate while he sits on the couch to watch a "football" game. Brotha please! Get your lazy behind up, slavery was abolished a long time ago. I might do it sometimes but for the most part he gets up to make his own plate. My attitude is you have hands and legs, put them to use!

 

[trendybosschicebz]

I feel like as women, we have our natural roles and men have thiers. I think that's where his father was coming from. Back in the day women did things like that and then the evolution of the "independent" woman came along and now the gender roles are mixed.

I am not saying that as women we should be on bended knee for our man but IF he is indeed a man, I would make him a plate.

Sorry I disagree with this. What are "natural roles". This "natural roles" are not embedded in nature, but rather are events that we invented within a society which are constantly changing. The natural role of the woman was once to stay at home and watch the children, however that has changed. Why can't that same change be implemented when it comes to making a plate.

 

[La Colocha]

I make his plate but not because i was raised to. My grandfather worked cooked,cleaned and served the food. My grandmother didn't have to do a thing. They sure don't make em like my papa no more. If i cook i just fix the plate and he does the dishes same for him. One cooks the other cleans. An equal balance.

 

[mrsmercery]

Even if you don't do it all the time-when in Rome... I would have did it on that occasion-there is nothing like feeling like the left out party. Just to prevent unwanted attention and not have to go through that conversation, I would have done it. When we are out my husband will cater to me, fix my plate, clean up after me, etc, it prompts the men to give the same attention to their spouses. Guys don't like to be outdone. Also, I really don't think he wants men watching me sashaying around too much in public. But please believe he is treated like the king that he is always.

 

[gymfreak336]

Even though I think the comments were out of line, I fix my boyfriend plate.

He doens't have to ask, I just do it and gladly.

My boyfriend pays the bills, I don't have to worry about rent being late, my lights getting turned off etc... If I need something and he is able to afford it, I get it. Yes, I cook, clean, iron his clothing, tivo his favorite ESPN shows, make sure he has his favorite soap in the shower, pack his lunch, stay up late to bake his favorite cake, hold the mirror up so he can see the back of his head while he cuts his hair and other similar things but he treats me like a lady. I don't pump gas, I don't open doors, he shows me affection in public, sits through chick flicks he can't stand, holds my purse when I am roaming through ulta, sits quietly while I try on 100 pairs of shoes at DSW, buys my favorite candy when I am sad, calls me just to say he loves me, comes with me to the library when I have all nighters just to keep me on track and above all, he always encourages me to be the best Gym possible, even if that challenges some of the traditional gender roles and expectations.......so yeah, if he is hungry, I fix that plate. While I am at it, I get his punch and dessert too.

 

[tiara76]

i never really had a problem with fixing a male's plate...if I cook and have guest I usually fix everybody's plate after asking them what they like or what not...when Im cooking at my best male friends' house and he has a friend or two over I cook and fix all their plates....however males Im around also do things as well.....If Im sitting down and drink all my water and one of them gets up, they ask if they can fill my glass up or bring me something from the kitchen....or pick up all the plates...

things like that are only a problem when you are doing them and you really don't want to be doing them...where it feels more like a chore, job, obligation or duty instead of something you enjoy doing just from your heart for the person/people you are doing it for.....

in this case in the thread....I feel if she didn't want to do it then she doesn't have to....I agree people can define their own parameters in a relationship and as long as they are cool with it then thats all that matters....

 

[LisaLisa1908]

How much work does it take to fix a plate? Sheesh, it's a plate, not his car!

I think people make mountains out of molehills. Do what you want.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

As long as appreciation is shown I have absolutely no problem fixing a plate for him.

 

[Kalani]

My mom and both my grandmothers were single parents. My mom raised one daughter (me ) and I saw her fix stuff around the house, etc... she even taught me how to install my own ceiling fans, mow the lawn, and all the gender things that men traditionally do... that still didn't mean that she doesn't allow a man to do those things if he is willing to. I am now married and even though I know how to mow the lawn, doesn't mean I plan to do it! My DH does a fantastic job at that.

My point is that, just because I believe in certain traditional things doesn't mean I was only raised to wait on a man to open my door or take out my trash, or install my light fixture. I like being hailed as his Queen. Which means, I enjoy lifting him as my King. It's a 2 way street and for me I love it Plus fixing a plate is certainly not that difficult as compared to the things I in turn leave for him to do

Yeah, I've had friends who also had single moms that, like yours, still let men do things for them. The thing is, my mom never dated after my dad so there were zero examples for me to see this play out as there were no men around, lol!

I wasn't saying that because you know how to do those things (mow lawns) you should automatically want to do them. Hence me making the point that I personally discovered, for myself, I liked those type of chores vs. the traditional female ones. I just took to it more for some reason. Thats all.

I've had boyfriends who waited on me hand and foot, (one even referred to me as "princess" erplexed). It was alright but I kind of just like doing things for myself. I'm just more comfortable with it. Thats why I said that I now ask men ahead of time about the gender role stuff. If a guy is traditional than he is better off dating someone who will appreciate those things more than I would.

 

[Son26]

My love language is giving DH awesome ----.
I can't stand people trying to control me or shame me in front of others. I don't care who it is. With my rebellious personality, even if I wanted to make his plate, I wouldn't do it after that exchange. Folks would just have to talk about me after I leave. Childhood beatings made me this way. I guess they backfired.

Co-signing. I'm the exact same way.

 

[A.Marie]

I grew up fixing my dad's plate and used to say I was not going to do it when I got grown. Now that I am an adult, I fix DH's plate and my children's plate. If a man comes to visit, like my father, uncle, brother-in-law, I fix their plate as well. It is an act of service and hubby appreciates it. I seem to get even more by doing small things like this.

 

[sky_blu]

LOL I hate making my own plate so to make my man's plate would be OUT! He can make mine if he wants though. My grandmother always fixed my grandfathers plate and he ate first and I hated it. Of course, if we had little food he would let us eat first before he had any but still the thought of it is just so old fashioned and "women should stay pregnant and barefoot" to me I don't like it. I probably would've been arguing with his father too if he said that to me as if Im suppose to or obligated to and more than likely hurt his feelings so bad he would've been scared to speak to me from then on. The only time I fix any male plates is if Im fixing them for everybody and like I said in the beginning I don't like fixing my own plate so fixing other people plates is an OUT.

 

[~*~ShopAholic~*~]

I don't think you are wrong for feeling that way, but back when I was 24 freshly married I felt the same way. 8 yrs laterly a little wiser and definately mature, I don't have a problem making DH plates now, but I also know he doesn't have a problem making mine neither or the meal to go on it. I don't see it as the "I have to do it cause that's what women do" and neither does he, we see as doing anything else for each other that we want or choose to do.

 

[FAMUDva]

I was raised traditionally southern as well and women always fixed the plates for their husbands. However, this duty wasn't forced upon non-married couples. The thinking of the females I grew up around was generally that you don't do wifely duties for a man who isn't your husband. If a man wants the KING treatment, he needs to put a ring on it. Hmm...perhaps this is what Beyonce was talking about!

My boy cousins were definately not my husband, but sometimes my Grandma would make us fix their plate. erplexed She said they were nasty and she didn't want their hands in her pots!

I fixed my DH's plate SOMETIMES when he was my boyfriend. It was never because I "had to", but I didn't mind doing it sometimes. But in general, I didn't do anything that was particularly "wifey" as a girlfriend. At the same time, there were somethings I did that were just plain courteous... and he did the same. I DID however always expect him (and any other guy I've dated) to open the door for me... Again, it's a common courtesy that gentlemen around my parts do willingly

ETA: I re-iterate that I don't HAVE to fix his plate now... but sometimes I choose to do so as he fixes mine also

 

[FAMUDva]

Yeah, I've had friends who also had single moms that, like yours, still let men do things for them. The thing is, my mom never dated after my dad so there were zero examples for me to see this play out as there were no men around, lol!

I wasn't saying that because you know how to do those things (mow lawns) you should automatically want to do them. Hence me making the point that I personally discovered, for myself, I liked those type of chores vs. the traditional female ones. I just took to it more for some reason. Thats all.

I've had boyfriends who waited on me hand and foot, (one even referred to me as "princess" erplexed). It was alright but I kind of just like doing things for myself. I'm just more comfortable with it. Thats why I said that I now ask men ahead of time about the gender role stuff. If a guy is traditional than he is better off dating someone who will appreciate those things more than I would.

I feel you because I was that "independent" woman before... I bought my own home and did all that stuff even while I was with my boyfriend (now DH). We lived together and I still did certain chores that were "manly"... but I found with making the transition that I needed to give up some of that and allow him to be the "man" he desires to be...

He enjoys taking care of me and actually the part that he looked forward to as far as being a spouse is feeling needed and feeling like he could provide for me. Mowing the lawn, etc isn't that big on the scale of taking care of me, but he takes a certain pride in feeling like he is doing more than his part to take care of me. He knows I can do it all for myself because he witnessed it. But he has always wanted to be those things to his wife. He knows he doesn't have to do certain things and I don't have to do ANYTHING I don't feel like doing (he has no choice with taking out the trash though ).


It took growing and learning for me to come to the realization that in addition to being wanted, my spouse wants to be NEEDED... If giving up some of that percieved independence makes him feel needed and loved, then I'm down for the cause... plus I don't have to sweat in the process.

I think your approach works great for you