Making plates for your SO

[CarLiTa]

I did not read the whole thread, but from the responses I've read, it seems that there is a component of the situation that hadn't been addressed.

I don't think this was a conversation you should have been having with your man's father at all. I personally think that the way you handled it came off as direspectful to your elder (the man's father).

I also don't think it makes sense to tell your man what his mother should/should not be doing for him. She raised him for many years, and the behavior that she has toward him is unlikely to change at the snap of a finger. You can't just say "she needs to stop"... you cannot control HER behavior.

It seems weird to me that you would ask him to stop receiving what I consider to be a very harmless gesture from his own mother because you yourself will not do it. I can understand if it were another woman... but his mother? I don't know... especially since your man himself is not telling you "well, my mother does this, and you should do too."

Personally, what stood out to me in the original post is that you were talking to an older man in that way. Yes, as an adult you can decide what to do in your relationship, but think about this example: if you took your man home to your parents' house and he had to spend the night, and your parents' rule is that you two sleep in different rooms, would you blatantly say "No"?

Personally, I feel that this is a case where I would have just made the plate and gotten over it. THEN, I would have had a talk with my "man" about whether or not he expects me to do this always and express how I feel about it, so that in future situations, we might avoid this awkwardness altogether.

Anyway, I say all this to say that it not "wrong" for you to feel that way, though I do not see the harm in fixing a man's plate or any person's plate, really, because I can see it as an act of courtesy. However, I do not think you handled this situation well. I think there was a better way of addressing the situation in that case, since it involved your man's father, and I think that way of addressing it would have just been to let it go.

 

[Vinyl]

I don't think you're wrong. I didn't know it was a tradition to make the man's plate. When I visited SO's family they made him make my plate. They even mini-scolded him when he took too long to get me a glass and I got it myself.

So I assumed the man made the plate for the woman. Wow, it's interesting to know that a lot of people grew up quite differently. I grew up with a single Mom, so I never really got introduced to gender roles. But if his family had asked me to fix his plate I would have done it just to avoid conflict/awkwardness.

 

[Tarae]

It's not wrong if you and your SO are fine with you not fixing his plate. I can't even say it was wrong for that other man (SO's dad?) to question you about it, even though I probably would've been annoyed with him pressing the issue. That's just what their family is used to.

The only time my grandmother never fixed my grandfather's plate was on Mother's Day (same with my parents). My grandfather would actually offer to fix my grandma's plate that day. My mom fixes my dad's plate almost every night. The only time she doesn't is when he comes in late from work or if he's not ready to eat when everyone else is. I don't see anything wrong with fixing a (your) man's plate. I guess it's how I was raised and what I saw. When my grandfather was living and came over to our house for events, I'd wait on him hand and foot but that's just what we do.

There's no right or wrong to me when it comes to this.

 

[TayMac]

I used to fix my SO's plate most of the time and he would do it for me as well. I liked doing it and never felt obligated. I'd be upset if I felt forced to do it. If you didn't want to fix his plate, I don't think it's a big deal..the whole thing go blown way out of proportion.

 

[Tee]

I rarely do. At family/large gatherings, I never do. Why?
a) I'm not going to assume I know how hungry he is, what he wants more of/less of and I hate wasting food.
b) He's got two legs, two arms, two hands, two eyes, and he is just as able to fix a plate as I am - in fact, he is more able to fix his own plate than I am since he knows what he wants!
c) I refuse to end up like my 80 y/o grandmother, who will still fix my 60 year old uncle a plate. If you don't let your old behind mother SIT DOWN and get your own plate! For SHAME! And if you start it when you're young, you'll keep on doing it til your grave. No ma'am. I'm not teaching my sons to expect it, or my daughters to automatically do it, either.

At home, sometimes I'll fix his plate - if I've cooked dinner, I'll fix his plate a lot of times, esp. if he's in the middle of a game. But, he almost always does the same for me when he cooks. Most of the time, we are cooking/putting the last touches on dinner together, so we are already in the kitchen when it's done.

I'll always bring him a drink, though. Well, I should say, if I'm fixing myself a drink, I will ask him if he wants one/needs a refill - but once again, he does the same.

I'm not big on being servile, just in general. Rubs me the wrong way.

Kiya this could have my whole post word for word!! Seriously.

 

[KEWLKAT103]

Sometimes I do sometimes I don't.
Mostly I do and especially at home because presentation of the meal is important to me. I like to have it look appetizing and he kinda just throws things on all willy nilly.
He makes mine sometimes as well. Especially if we are at his folks house.

 

[Kalani]

I don't think you're wrong. I didn't know it was a tradition to make the man's plate. When I visited SO's family they made him make my plate. They even mini-scolded him when he took too long to get me a glass and I got it myself.

So I assumed the man made the plate for the woman. Wow, it's interesting to know that a lot of people grew up quite differently. I grew up with a single Mom, so I never really got introduced to gender roles. But if his family had asked me to fix his plate I would have done it just to avoid conflict/awkwardness.

I'm also shocked at all of the pro-plate fixing responses! I don't think I've ever fixed a plate for a man. Not even my brother or grandfather, and definately don't recall doing it for any boyfriends. Then again, I also grew up in a single parent home with my mom so that could expain why I'm so domestically challenged.

OP, I also would not have appreciated the dad instructing me as to what I should and shouldn't be doing because my gender. Doing it because you want to is one thing, but because you are SUPPOSED to per your female role? It's 2009! Come on!

 

[SleekandBouncy]

If I were in your position I would have fixed the plate. If I had an issue we would have discussed it later. I wouldn't have allowed for him to be put on the spot like that.
As for the father, I don't think it's okay that he reprimanded you like that, but he's an elder and they often feel it's their "right". Ultimately the right-wrong of the situation depends on what works for you guys. However, it's not something that's a big deal to me so I would recommend that perhaps if it's something that's not too important to you, but important to him then concede. When something comes up that's important to you, you can ask him to concede.

My mother by nature is a nurturer so I often saw her prepare a plate for my father and everyone else. When my dad cooked he prepared a plate for my mother and everyone else. My grandmother with whom I spent a lot of time would always prepared the plates. I don't think I ever saw my grandfather prepare his own plate if my gran was home. I prepare plates out of habit and because I enjoy it. I like to place the food just right esp. if I cook.

 

[Southernbella.]

If you don't want to, don't.

I make dh's plate now, but I didn't always. He never asked or expected me to. He likes it now that I do it, but sometimes I don't feel like it. I get really cranky when I'm hungry, and after cooking, making plates for two kids, smelling the food, then having to make a gigantic plate for him, plus get his drink and then take it to him, I sometimes have a slight attitude. When he knows I'm really hungry, he'll tell me to go ahead and eat. I love him for that.

Anyway, about you... Do what works for you. I'm sure you do plenty of other things for him. It won't kill him to make his own plate, and if he hasn't had an issue with it so far, then you're obviously doing just ine.

It really bugs me when family starts sticking their noses where they don't belong.

 

[MizzBrown]

Hey Ladies,
Okay here goes my man's dad and I got into a heated discussion when we were at his dad's house for New Years Day and all of the women were making the mens plates. My mans dad's father in law asked me you not going to make his plate. I said no he can make his own. My mans dad said your suppose to make his plate and I said why and he said cause in the bible it says..... i said that it does not say that in the bible and it is not cool you to gender role stereotype when you say that women should make the plates. Do yall think I was wrong? Back in the day 50-100 years ago yes making a mans plate, cleaning was the thing to do becasue the women did not work and the man brought home the money. But now-a-days things are a lot different. My man said that even now when he is at his moms home she will make him a plate and bring it to him without him asking, i said he is too grown for that and she needs to stop. he say that is just how he was raised. i feel like if a woman cooked, and everything the least he could do is make his own plate. I askd a few of my friends and they said that they did not think I was wrong. What do you all think? I am very interested in hearing your responses .

This made me laugh out loud!

 

[FeelinIt]

No I don't. I hate when we have a gathering like Thanksgiving or Christmas and ALL of the women are in the kitchen and ALL of the men are sitting on their duffs. My mother will stand on her feet for HOURS prepping, chopping, slicing, dicing, cutting, baking, rinsing, seasoning, frying, plating and serving up food. Then when THEY are done, she will pick up the plates, clean them put them away and then serve them dessert. And then she will help them take to go plates......um.......NO!

And what really trips me out is they (the kitchen women) look at ME and expect me to get in there and help....I am a guest. I don't do that much work at my own house and now you expect ME to get up and assist because I have a uterus?

You can fix my plate and put it down in front of me iffin you'd like...And don't forget my to go plate either!!!

 

[Kalani]

I don't do that much work at my own house and now you expect ME to get up and assist because I have a uterus?

LOL! See, this is how I feel too. In my home, everyone fixes their own plates and that's how its always been growing up. Even during the holidays its buffet style where you serve yourself so you can take as much as you like of one thing, and leave out what you don't like. Its just what always made sense to me!

 

[FlowerHair]

When you guys say "fix" someone's plate, does that mean that the food isn't on the table, that you go out to the kitchen and fix the plate and then bring it to your husband?

I'm just trying to understand the phrase better...

With us, we always have the food on the table, so that everyone can help themselves to what they want.

 

[Filmatic]

When you guys say "fix" someone's plate, does that mean that the food isn't on the table, that you go out to the kitchen and fix the plate and then bring it to your husband?

I'm just trying to understand the phrase better...

With us, we always have the food on the table, so that everyone can help themselves to what they want.

Yep, that is what it means. Some families here don't put the food on the table. Some don't have a table dinner at all.



OT: Thinking about it... I have done it if I felt like, but that was usually because I was fixing my plate and would feel bad eating in his face. Or if I try a new recipe I bring a plate.

I have also fixed plates for my mom, nieces and nephews, friends, etc. So it's not a gender thing. I don't feel obligated and I don't think fixing a plate is showing my love. If I go in there and cook a meal after I have worked all day when I would rather lay down, he better know that's love.

Also, all the dude I have date have brought me plate and thought nothing of it.

I think it was disrespectful of his father to even tell you what to do in your marriage and reprimand you in front of others. I don't care if he is older. He knows not to do that to someone else's wife.

 

[FlowerHair]

Yep, that is what it means. Some families here don't put the food on the table. Some don't have a table dinner at all.

Thank you...I always wanted to know that...

 

[caltron]

Hey Ladies,
Okay here goes my man's dad and I got into a heated discussion when we were at his dad's house for New Years Day and all of the women were making the mens plates. My mans dad's father in law asked me you not going to make his plate. I said no he can make his own. My mans dad said your suppose to make his plate and I said why and he said cause in the bible it says..... i said that it does not say that in the bible and it is not cool you to gender role stereotype when you say that women should make the plates. Do yall think I was wrong? Back in the day 50-100 years ago yes making a mans plate, cleaning was the thing to do becasue the women did not work and the man brought home the money. But now-a-days things are a lot different. My man said that even now when he is at his moms home she will make him a plate and bring it to him without him asking, i said he is too grown for that and she needs to stop. he say that is just how he was raised. i feel like if a woman cooked, and everything the least he could do is make his own plate. I askd a few of my friends and they said that they did not think I was wrong. What do you all think? I am very interested in hearing your responses .

I feel the same way as you do on the gender role issue....but at the same time, a lot of guys really like for their plates to be made. I do this from time to time to show my man some love and affection, but not out of any sense of duty.

 

[MD_Lady]

Hey Ladies,
Okay here goes my man's dad and I got into a heated discussion when we were at his dad's house for New Years Day and all of the women were making the mens plates. My mans dad's father in law asked me you not going to make his plate. I said no he can make his own. My mans dad said your suppose to make his plate and I said why and he said cause in the bible it says..... i said that it does not say that in the bible and it is not cool you to gender role stereotype when you say that women should make the plates. Do yall think I was wrong? Back in the day 50-100 years ago yes making a mans plate, cleaning was the thing to do becasue the women did not work and the man brought home the money. But now-a-days things are a lot different. My man said that even now when he is at his moms home she will make him a plate and bring it to him without him asking, i said he is too grown for that and she needs to stop. he say that is just how he was raised. i feel like if a woman cooked, and everything the least he could do is make his own plate. I askd a few of my friends and they said that they did not think I was wrong. What do you all think? I am very interested in hearing your responses .

Even though I make plates for DH on occassion (after I've cooked dinner and am making a plate for myself), I don't see anything wrong with your P.O.V. I do see something wrong DH's father getting in your business and then trying to back up his opinion with "the Bible says..." . Bottom line: If it works for you and DH, it's all good.

 

[Farida]

I will do it, and he does it for me sometimes. Many times it depends on who did the cooking. It is a sign of affection, not servitude. Especially since to this day, many years after we met he still opens doors for me, carries my bags, kills the bugs, warms the car up for me....

Now, if he did nothing and expected a plate there'd be drama!

 

[DigitalRain]

I think it is a form of courtesy and affection. A woman fixing a man's plate is like a man opening the door his woman. yes a woman can open the door herself but it's nice when a man does because it makes the woman feel special. Men like feeling special too and a woman fixing a man's plate is just a form of affection.

You hit it right on the nail. Its not about kissing a$$, but about showing love. We like it when men pull out chairs,open doors, give us their coats etc, men like it when we make similar gestures towards them too. Everybody needs some loving, Its not fair to always be on the receiving end and not expect to give something back.

 

[syze6]

I make my hubby's plate, when I feel like it. If I don't then he is more than happy to do it. It isn't mandatory and you aren't wrong. Those old bitties been doing that way for years and you know they think us young folk have lost our way!

I don't know how many times, I heard the phrase, "You young mothers or wives" from an elderly woman. I find it funny.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

DH was raised by an Aquarius princess... his mother tells him to jump and he goes how high, which is to say I don't think she taught hm THOSE values lol. He offers to make my plate, and vice versa. When he cooks, he'll make me a plate; when I cook I make him a plate. But it's due to his nature and how he was raised more or less. I was "taught" to make plates for a man, but trust, I've been known to give a man cold Poptarts and a paper towel when he's said he was hungry!

 

[Ramya]

If it were my family, someone would have noticed that you weren't making your SO's plate and would have probably handed you a plate to give to him or given it to him themselves. It's just as rude but a lot of the ladies feel strongly about it. Nobody would have said anything to you about it. I think that's the part that's an issue (Dude telling you to make your SO a plate) because otherwise it's really not a big deal. It's just a plate

Also I would have probably just made the plate to squash the issue until I could talk to my SO about it later because it was not the time nor the place.

 

[Butterfly08]

I used to fix my SO's plate most of the time and he would do it for me as well. I liked doing it and never felt obligated. I'd be upset if I felt forced to do it. If you didn't want to fix his plate, I don't think it's a big deal..the whole thing go blown way out of proportion.

The sense of obligation would bug me as well. Especially coming from an "SO". It's been a loooooooong time since I dated (married now) but I'm resistant to a bunch of gender-based expectations being thrown on me by a man who has not put a ring on my finger. That being said, I wouldn't mind doing it out of the kindness of my heart.

I will do it, and he does it for me sometimes. Many times it depends on who did the cooking. It is a sign of affection, not servitude. Especially since to this day, many years after we met he still opens doors for me, carries my bags, kills the bugs, warms the car up for me....

Now, if he did nothing and expected a plate there'd be drama!

Exactly!

 

[dlewis]

If it were my family, someone would have noticed that you weren't making your SO's plate and would have probably handed you a plate to give to him or given it to him themselves.

I have done this several times. Young couple at my house for diner and I make my husband a plate and kids a plate and shes just standing there looking crazy. I'll hand her 2 plates for her to serve herself and her husband. Maybe I shouldn't do that? But I don't think I'll stop.

 

[syze6]

For Christmas, we were all gathered at my cousin's house.

I was fixing my plate and my cousin asked,"Is my hubby hungry!" I said, "He can't be hungry because he's not over here fixing his plate!" My aunt looked at me as if I was crazy.

I got my drink and flopped my butt down at the table and commenced to grubbing.

 

[Bunny77]

I don't think you're wrong. I didn't know it was a tradition to make the man's plate. When I visited SO's family they made him make my plate. They even mini-scolded him when he took too long to get me a glass and I got it myself.

So I assumed the man made the plate for the woman. Wow, it's interesting to know that a lot of people grew up quite differently. I grew up with a single Mom, so I never really got introduced to gender roles. But if his family had asked me to fix his plate I would have done it just to avoid conflict/awkwardness.

Hmmm... is this idea of a woman having to fix a man's plate a black thing???


Okay, for me, I can't see myself fixing an SO's plate at his own family's house. At my family's house, possibly, although I think I'd wait until he was a DH and not just SO.

Also, with a buffet-style meal (which most of these family gatherings are), I wouldn't want to fix a man's plate because I figure that he knows best how much food he wants and what he likes and doesn't like. Now after a number of years of marriage, that might change because I'll be more familiar with his tastes.

I'm much more likely to prepare him a plate at our own home after making a meal. But that's not because I feel obligated to do it as the woman, it just might be like someone else mentioned... an equivalent of him warming up my car for me in the morning or wiping the snow off before I drive or whatever.

(And again, other days if I'm real tired, I'll be like, "Food's ready! Come and get it! )

Fixing a man's plate isn't a bad thing at ALL... but it's all about the context of the situation, I think.

 

[Nefertiti0906]

I don't understand how making someones plate is a sign of affection... How is it?

What does it signify? How different is it from someone cooking for you? Just because someone puts food on your plate, what if they don't like what you put on there or if you don't put enough food?

(I'm being serious )

I know in my family, we use serving dishes and we just set the table , and we serve ourselves in order...

ETA: If we want to show affection, we let the person eating with us serve themselves first because they can take as much as they want...

 

[caltron]

I don't understand how making someones plate is a sign of affection... How is it?

What does it signify? How different is it from someone cooking for you? Just because someone puts food on your plate, what if they don't like what you put on there or if you don't put enough food?

(I'm being serious )

I know in my family, we use serving dishes and we just set the table , and we serve ourselves in order...

You're not alone. I really don't get it either. erplexed

 

[Nefertiti0906]

You're not alone. I really don't get it either. erplexed

It might be a cultural practice I guess...

 

[Son26]

I don't understand how making someones plate is a sign of affection... How is it?

What does it signify? How different is it from someone cooking for you? Just because someone puts food on your plate, what if they don't like what you put on there or if you don't put enough food?

(I'm being serious )

I know in my family, we use serving dishes and we just set the table , and we serve ourselves in order...

Ditto. I don't understand why it's so important.