Ladies Who Married Strictly(Or Even Mostly) For Love, Would You Do It Again?

MizAvalon

MizAvalon

Well-Known Member
A quote from Jackie Kennedy has always stuck with me. "The first time you marry should be for love, the second for money, and the third for companionship."

Do any of you ladies that married only or mostly for love wish you had been a *little* more pragmatic when choosing a partner? I have heard way too many married women say that if they find themselves single again that a requirement would be for the man to be well off and able to take care of her.

Actually kind of makes me glad that I will be older when I marry. I don't have those little girl stars in my eyes that I had, say, 10 years ago. Now? If you cannot provide a comfortable life, don't bother applying buddy.
 
SugarBaby, thanks for bringing up that point. It's certainly a very valid one. It's a fine line to be sure, any advice on how to not have tunnel vision?
 
this may or may not be related....but everyday it's revealed to me that marriage is a

1. business partnership - if y'all can't vibe financially together...forget it
2. friendship- if y'all can't be best buds and tell each of the truth, than for get it
3. love- once the 1st 2 items are accomplished, bring on the love and passion
 
MizAvalon said:
SugarBaby, thanks for bringing up that point. It's certainly a very valid one. It's a fine line to be sure, any advice on how to not have tunnel vision?
Click to expand...

Umm, I wish I could say...I did what I thought was right for me at the time. I went to college in the 80's where everybody wanted more and did everything to be successful and do very well.

20+ years later, I don't know if I would make that choice again...

I just wrote and deleted a bunch of stuff about the pros and cons of this subject.

Truth is...Every woman has a different path for her fulfillment. I could tell you a thousand things I am lacking and another woman would tell me all the things I have and she would gladly trade places with me.

So every woman is different in what brings her joy and fulfillment.

I think if I were to give advice...I would say make sure you are HONEST w/ yourself and your choices.

Once you are honest and you have made the self analysis of what you can live w/...there are no regrets.

A long marriage can be a slow painful death sentence if you are living w/ regrets.

nychaelasymone said:
this may or may not be related....but everyday it's revealed to me that marriage is a

1. business partnership - if y'all can't vibe financially together...forget it
2. friendship- if y'all can't be best buds and tell each of the truth, than for get it
3. love- once the 1st 2 items are accomplished, bring on the love and passion
Click to expand...


I like this list, I think I would reverse the order and make Love and passion First.

I think people don't realize the absolute power love gives when it is right. :yep:
 
I am waitin to hear what DLewis has to add...

I can feel you have a story to tell...:yep:

I understand if it is too personal, this is a helluva topic that has so many levels.

Mizavalon picked a good one.
 
Yes, I would do it again, if I had to.

I've seen woman marry for love, but their marriage failed; not because of lack of love, I think they didn't evaluate what they actually loved about that person.

I have a sister who married twice for love, but neither of them had jobs. She left the last time to be with her current husband who has a good job. She didn't marry that one for love; but for "convenience". She's not happy with him either.

What I love about DH is that we think a lot alike and we have a lot in common. We're best friends. And we're both good with money, etc; so our marriage works. I also love that he's always had a job and was good with money; so I don't have the problems my sister had with her first 2 husbands. I made sure that he was good in that area before we got married. Because love or not, you still want to eat, and there's nothing better than eating good with the one you love!

I feel bad for her in a way though, because she's eating good, but she doesn't love him. She's not attracted to him, and he's not happy either. They don't even sleep in the same level of the house; he says he's staying only because of the child they have together. I think people have to choose their lovers wisely; I'm glad I did. :grin:
 
SugarBaby said:
I am waitin to hear what DLewis has to add...

I can feel you have a story to tell...:yep:

I understand if it is too personal, this is a helluva topic that has so many levels.

Mizavalon picked a good one.
Click to expand...

Love wasn't number one on my list when I married. I haven't been around anyone who has been married a long time and that has a decent marriage. Marriage based strickly on love, from what I've seen, don't last.

My aunt married a broke contractor because she loved him so much. Love was really all they had. He built their house :perplexed bathroom not complete, taking baths outside. No oven, she didn't work. Really she thought they would make is based on the fact that they were madly in love. I WAS 12 YEARS OLD and I wondered "Why does she think this will last". I lasted a couple of years and love was just not enough.:nono: They hate each other now.

But like I said I haven't known many happily married people. Like maybe .....ummm 1 other couple that I can think of right now. Most older people I know that have been married 50+ year don't even like each other. So, its just my belief that what nychaelasymone came up with would work. I would change the order to 2, 1 and then 3.

I believe if you have a good friendship, partnership ............... love.... it could work. I'll let yall know in 20 years if this is works.:yep:
 
dlewis said:
Love wasn't number one on my list when I married. I haven't been around anyone who has been married a long time and that has a decent marriage. Marriage based strickly on love, from what I've seen, don't last.

My aunt married a broke contractor because she loved him so much. Love was really all they had. He built their house :perplexed bathroom not complete, taking baths outside. No oven, she didn't work. Really she thought they would make is based on the fact that they were madly in love. I WAS 12 YEARS OLD and I wondered "Why does she think this will last". I lasted a couple of years and love was just not enough.:nono: They hate each other now.

But like I said I haven't known many happily married people. Like maybe .....ummm 1 other couple that I can think of right now. Most older people I know that have been married 50+ year don't even like each other. So, its just my belief that what nychaelasymone came up with would work. I would change the order to 2, 1 and then 3.

I believe if you have a good friendship, partnership ............... love.... it could work. I'll let yall know in 20 years if this is works.:yep:
Click to expand...

Thanks Dlewis....personally after watching my parents marriage of almost 40 years, it wasn't until they got the finances straight that I saw them emerge as better friends and from that I saw the love. Then w/ my married friends the ones w/ financial harmony and respect/friendship are the ones with better relationships. My friends who are married who have partners they can't stand all have financial issues due to one or both making selfish financial decisions. So from all this I gathered that love can not be first in my decision to marry.
 
nychaelasymone said:
this may or may not be related....but everyday it's revealed to me that marriage is a

1. business partnership - if y'all can't vibe financially together...forget it
2. friendship- if y'all can't be best buds and tell each of the truth, than for get it
3. love- once the 1st 2 items are accomplished, bring on the love and passion
Click to expand...


I think you've got a point. DH and I have mad passion and love (still fireworks and butterflies when we're together), are best friends and aren't rich, but financially comfortable. Not sure if there'd be much passion if we were broke and worried about how to feed and clothe the kids.

I don't know anyone either that's been married "forever" and are still happy. Check on me as well in about twenty years and I'll let you know if it has lasted.
 
nychaelasymone said:
Thanks Dlewis....personally after watching my parents marriage of almost 40 years, it wasn't until they got the finances straight that I saw them emerge as better friends and from that I saw the love. Then w/ my married friends the ones w/ financial harmony and respect/friendship are the ones with better relationships. My friends who are married who have partners they can't stand all have financial issues due to one or both making selfish financial decisions. So from all this I gathered that love can not be first in my decision to marry.
Click to expand...

I believe it.:yep: I haven't seen it though.

Ya know, when I look back on things, like my grandparents marriage, Dh grandparents marriage....I honestly see how all their kids ended up messed up.:nono: Im hoping to set a better example for my kids.

I remember my Dh always saying when we first married "I hope we have a marriage just like my grandparents" and me looking :perplexed praying in my head "Lord, please, NO! I rebuke that". After a long while, I asked him what was so special about his grandparents marriage because from the outside looking in I wouldn't wish a marriage like that on anyone. After we talked about it he finally said I was right and stopped saying that.

I know I'm all over the place. The holidays do that to me.
 
dlewis said:
I believe it.:yep: I haven't seen it though.

Ya know, when I look back on things, like my grandparents marriage, Dh grandparents marriage....I honestly see how all their kids ended up messed up.:nono: Im hoping to set a better example for my kids.

I remember my Dh always saying when we first married "I hope we have a marriage just like my grandparents" and me looking :perplexed praying in my head "Lord, please, NO! I rebuke that". After a long while, I asked him what was so special about his grandparents marriage because from the outside looking in I wouldn't wish a marriage like that on anyone. After we talked about it he finally said I was right and stopped saying that.

I know I'm all over the place. The holidays do that to me.
Click to expand...

you make perfect sense. Experience and the mistakes of others are definitely a guide. I think love is truly blind sometimes because why would someone marry a person knowing they have nothing to bring to the table but they believe love will make a way......I think not.....love does not put food on the table, clothes on backs, and bill collectors on pause.

I don't profess to know anything cause daily I revisit my decision to get married because I've been single soooooo long but I have every belief that we are financially compatible and friends....so it makes it easier for me to rock his world :grin:
 
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So does anyone know anyone that has the love, passion, wealth and friendship in marriage?






If a couple has the love, passion and friendship it appears that don't have the wealth.

If a couple has the wealth, the love, passion and friendship is not there.


ETA: This thread has messed me up. Given me a lot to re-think....

I wonder have I been looking for something that so few have attained it, it is near unattainable?

Ugh! self analysis is a *****.
 
Last edited:
SugarBaby said:
So does anyone know anyone that has the love, passion, wealth and friendship in marriage?






If a couple has the love, passion and friendship it appears that don't have the wealth.

If a couple has the wealth, the love, passion and friendship is not there.
Click to expand...

honestly, I don't think wealth is the question but how both people manage what they have together for the greater good of the relationship. We're in no way rich but we agree on how our finances should be managed and we both have something to bring to the table.

Also, If one person doesn't mind having bad credit and living check to check and the other does, there will be disharmony in that household. We women shut down when our 'house' is not right....well maybe I shouldn't generalize but hopefully you get my point.
 
SugarBaby said:
So does anyone know anyone that has the love, passion, wealth and friendship in marriage?






If a couple has the love, passion and friendship it appears that don't have the wealth.

If a couple has the wealth, the love, passion and friendship is not there.


ETA: This thread has messed me up. Given me a lot to re-think....

I wonder have I been looking for something that so few have attained it, it is near unattainable?

Ugh! self analysis is a *****.
Click to expand...

don't beat yourself up. Please.......I think what happens in life is that many of us grow up with this belief that love conquers all but when the ish hits the fan will love really carry you through? I believe in love but my order of how it fit into a relationship changed when the reality of life smacked me in the face. All my life I chased relationships because I thought I was in love but when I look back on those bums I realized that

1. I always had something to bring to the table....they didn't (I could delve deeper into this cause obviously there was some low self-esteem in this equation tooo)

2. Love in the fairly tale sense does not exist (in my world anyway)....don't get me wrong, I love my man and I smile every time I think of him but all that harps and flowers crap...nope

3. I'm an adult with adult ish going on and I don't need no cry baby mama's boy swinging from my boobs. I need someone who can be there to help in every way.

4. Maturity

5. I realized that marriage is WORK....HARD WORK.

6. A secure sense of self....who am I? and can I be me with this man? Can we respect each other enough to be honest....remember men need respect and to know they are respected by their woman, women need love, honesty, and respect.

I could go on....but let me get off my soapbox....

disclaimer....these are only my OPIONIONS...BASED ON MY LIFE
 
nychaelasymone said:
honestly, I don't think wealth is the question but how both people manage what they have together for the greater good of the relationship. We're in no way rich but we agree on how our finances should be managed and we both have something to bring to the table.

Also, If one person doesn't mind having bad credit and living check to check and the other does, there will be disharmony in that household. We women shut down when our 'house' is not right....well maybe I shouldn't generalize but hopefully you get my point.
Click to expand...

I hear what you are saying...Honestly, I guess this goes back to that self analysis that I mentioned and knowing what you could live with to be happy...

For some, wealth is required and for some, living w/o worrying about financial matters is very important.

Living paycheck to paycheck would not be a standard some women could do.

For some this would equate misery.
 
nychaelasymone said:
don't beat yourself up. Please.......I think what happens in life is that many of us grow up with this belief that love conquers all but when the ish hits the fan will love really carry you through? I believe in love but my order of how it fit into a relationship changed when the reality of life smacked me in the face. All my life I chased relationships because I thought I was in love but when I look back on those bums I realized that

1. I always had something to bring to the table....they didn't (I could delve deeper into this cause obviously there was some low self-esteem in this equation tooo)

2. Love in the fairly tale sense does not exist (in my world anyway)....don't get me wrong, I love my man and I smile every time I think of him but all that harps and flowers crap...nope

3. I'm an adult with adult ish going on and I don't need no cry baby mama's boy swinging from my boobs. I need someone who can be there to help in every way.

4. Maturity

5. I realized that marriage is WORK....HARD WORK.

6. A secure sense of self....who am I? and can I be me with this man? Can we respect each other enough to be honest....remember men need respect and to know they are respected by their woman, women need love, honesty, and respect.

I could go on....but let me get off my soapbox....

disclaimer....these are only my OPIONIONS...BASED ON MY LIFE
Click to expand...

Very well said...
 
ClassicBeauty said:
I believe that love can (and does) grow. I think the friendship and partnership are most important.
Click to expand...

My coworker is dating a wonderful guy, helps her out with chores, money....Is the overall package except she doesn't have those type feelings for him. I little history on her. Young white girl, comes from wealthy family use to being beat up and cheated on. NOW, Im looking at this thinking WHAT WRONG WITH THIS GUY! Treats you great, throwing money at you and really loves you. He has a great future, owns his own home. BUT, she wanted to break up with him Thanksgiving weekend.

So, when she asked me what I thought I told her he seems like a great catch, well off, great future, loves her. Everything she said she wanted in a man except he not cheating on her and beating her butt (yes I told her this). She asked what about that feel you're suppose to have. I told her it was overrated and feelings can be developed. She would hate to dump this guy and wonder what if in 20 years.

She said she told her mother what I said :nono::lachen: and her mother said "she's right, I was in your situation when I started dating your father and choosing him was the best choice I ever made.

I was tickled to death when she told me that.:lachen:
 
dlewis said:
My coworker is dating a wonderful guy, helps her out with chores, money....Is the overall package except she doesn't have those type feelings for him. I little history on her. Young white girl, comes from wealthy family use to being beat up and cheated on. NOW, Im looking at this thinking WHAT WRONG WITH THIS GUY! Treats you great, throwing money at you and really loves you. He has a great future, owns his own home. BUT, she wanted to break up with him Thanksgiving weekend.

So, when she asked me what I thought I told her he seems like a great catch, well off, great future, loves her. Everything she said she wanted in a man except he not cheating on her and beating her butt (yes I told her this). She asked what about that feel you're suppose to have. I told her it was overrated and feelings can be developed. She would hate to dump this guy and wonder what if in 20 years.

She said she told her mother what I said :nono::lachen: and her mother said "she's right, I was in your situation when I started dating your father and choosing him was the best choice I ever made.

I was tickled to death when she told me that.:lachen:
Click to expand...

Keyword...most young women have alot to learn about men and how to look at the big picture.
 
I would not marry for love again. I truly love my husband but I realize that there is so much more to marriage. I've had my love match and once is enough. If I had to do it again I would choose someone that I liked and respected, had similar values with and it made good financial sense. Beyond love, marriage is a business and I am not even mad at people who treat it as such.
 
dlewis said:
My coworker is dating a wonderful guy, helps her out with chores, money....Is the overall package except she doesn't have those type feelings for him. I little history on her. Young white girl, comes from wealthy family use to being beat up and cheated on. NOW, Im looking at this thinking WHAT WRONG WITH THIS GUY! Treats you great, throwing money at you and really loves you. He has a great future, owns his own home. BUT, she wanted to break up with him Thanksgiving weekend.

So, when she asked me what I thought I told her he seems like a great catch, well off, great future, loves her. Everything she said she wanted in a man except he not cheating on her and beating her butt (yes I told her this). She asked what about that feel you're suppose to have. I told her it was overrated and feelings can be developed. She would hate to dump this guy and wonder what if in 20 years.



She said she told her mother what I said :nono::lachen: and her mother said "she's right, I was in your situation when I started dating your father and choosing him was the best choice I ever made.

I was tickled to death when she told me that.:lachen:
Click to expand...

I subscribe to this!!!! AMEN but it does sound like she has some healing to do.
 
cheerleaderbody said:
I would not marry for love again. I truly love my husband but I realize that there is so much more to marriage. I've had my love match and once is enough. If I had to do it again I would choose someone that I liked and respected, had similar values with and it made good financial sense. Beyond love, marriage is a business and I am not even mad at people who treat it as such.
Click to expand...

:yep: I agree...
 
I could have never married DH if I didn't love him, but my loving DH never equaled my thinking the relationship was (or ever would be) perfect. IMO, marrying for love isn't the problem. Getting married with rose-colored glasses and unrealistic expectations is the problem.
 
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