Is Life This Hard In The Dating Streets?

Zaynab said:
These comments are interesting. I will always to subscribe to the philosophy that if you don't entertain it, men don't have an option. I do believe it's rough out in the dating world but you have to operate a zero tolerance policy.
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I agree. But that also means you have to be willing to spend quality time with yourself-and like someone said up thread this can mean years not months. Women who entertain these grown boys make it harder for those of us who won’t put up with their foolishness.

One grown boy I know (business owner with a good financial standing) loved to talk commitment, offer to help in anyway you need, ect but all he was good for was a 2 am text to see if you wanted “company”. He had several women who he wouldn’t even take out in public all panting after him because he was successful. He was sleeping with all of them but wouldn’t commit to being seen with any of them in the daylight. But women put up with that because he was a good looking black man with a thriving busisness and a good personality.
 
I'm a total unicorn and not married, so...
vYgPmI8.gif
 
Shiks said:
Some of this is sad but someone I know married a man who did this exact same thing. I had to let that friendship go because I couldn't watch but she worked with a brotha.
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I have a neighbor like this too. It was too exhausting for me to act like I didn't care about the horrible things that he said to her so, I just relegated my contact with them down to a vigorous wave.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
Women’s self esteem doesn’t force these dudes to act like savages. The men came to the table like that and were going to try it regardless.

So yeah, that is indeed how bad it is out there.
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That wasn’t the problem. The problem was how these ladies responded and put up with that mess. Dating isn’t hard. Dating without self-esteem is!
 
I would never tell a woman to put up with unprofitable, soul altering or dangerous craziness in order to have or keep a man. There really is no upside to spending time with people who add nothing or take away from your well being. That said, as an introvert I'm hesitant to tell women "yeah girl, just be by yourself until you get it all figured out" cuz that day may never come and none of us are promised tomorrow.

I guess my thing with the "work on yourself" is that I did that for years (therapy, life/image coaching, weight loss, etc.) and was getting the same results of men who were looking for a meal ticket, a mama or a mental punching bag approaching me. The million dollar question is why was it that when I stopped dealing with the dudes who approached me and started targeting men to date all of a sudden the quality of men went up and the amount of nonsense went down? I went full Art of Seduction which runs counter to "you are what you attract" and focuses more on hunting down and bagging what you want in the least thirsty way possible. While I absolutely did tweak myself somewhat, it wasn't working on myself that got me married. I was and still am for the most part the same fat (although less so now), loud, foul mouthed, scheming hooligan that I always was. The added bonus is I get hit on more now by ridiculous men because I swear the smell of a taken and uninterested woman is an aphrodisiac to them.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
I would never tell a woman to put up with unprofitable, soul altering or dangerous craziness in order to have or keep a man. There really is no upside to spending time with people who add nothing or take away from your well being. That said, as an introvert I'm hesitant to tell women "yeah girl, just be by yourself until you get it all figured out" cuz that day may never come and none of us are promised tomorrow.

I guess my thing with the "work on yourself" is that I did that for years (therapy, life/image coaching, weight loss, etc.) and was getting the same results of men who were looking for a meal ticket, a mama or a mental punching bag approaching me. The million dollar question is why was it that when I stopped dealing with the dudes who approached me and started targeting men to date all of a sudden the quality of men went up and the amount of nonsense went down? I went full Art of Seduction which runs counter to "you are what you attract" and focuses more on hunting down and bagging what you want in the least thirsty way possible. While I absolutely did tweak myself somewhat, it wasn't working on myself that got me married. I was and still am for the most part the same fat (although less so now), loud, foul mouthed, scheming hooligan that I always was. The added bonus is I get hit on more now by ridiculous men because I swear the smell of a taken and uninterested woman is an aphrodisiac to them.
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This. This is the probably the biggest overlooked part of dating to me. I do think after "you work on yourself" you have to get out there and target and focus on the man you want, positioning and everything else. I think the problem with work on yourself is people think that's all that needs to happen, that's just the start.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
The million dollar question is why was it that when I stopped dealing with the dudes who approached me and started targeting men to date all of a sudden the quality of men went up and the amount of nonsense went down?
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You Spartaned up :yep: You believed you deserved better so you unapologetically went for it. I’d argue that it was indeed working on yourself for as long as you did that gave you enough confidence to aim higher. Otherwise you would’ve done it sooner. My whole point with this whole thread is that just because lames are targeting you (general you) and you’ve been single for a while doesn’t mean you have to deal with them. It’s 100% your choice.
 
These are some crazy stories but men only do what you allow them to. I’ve always had my hand out and never been embarrassed to admit it. And I pretty much was raised as an only child so if I suspect you have another woman then I’m getting ghost ASAP! I don’t do broke men and don’t do men who are in “committed relationships”. Definitely not my type of hype!

Charity begins at home and coupled with adult experience...a woman shouldn’t be letting men get over on her, especially if she’s 25 plus. And if you do manage to get over on me then you better believe I’ve already got over on you financially with the gifts, bill payments, etc. So, it’s an even exchange for the BS.
 
Zaynab said:
This. This is the probably the biggest overlooked part of dating to me. I do think after "you work on yourself" you have to get out there and target and focus on the man you want, positioning and everything else. I think the problem with work on yourself is people think that's all that needs to happen, that's just the start.
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I really do think that the philosophy that black women are given is that if they change something about themselves then that will directly change the type of men who approach them and that is at best a partial truth.

caribeandiva said:
You Spartaned up :yep: You believed you deserved better so you unapologetically went for it. I’d argue that it was indeed working on yourself for as long as you did that gave you enough confidence to aim higher. Otherwise you would’ve done it sooner. My whole point with this whole thread is that just because lames are targeting you (general you) and you’ve been single for a while doesn’t mean you have to deal with them. It’s 100% your choice.
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I always believed I deserved better which is why I had dozens of first and only dates and hundreds of didn't make it past a few phone calls non dates. The result of that was wasted time and still being single. The conventional wisdom for women is that you don't chase men and you are limited to the ones who approach you. Well, that works out well for some women, others realize that we have to game the system. Where I went wrong was spending too long in financial only relationships that would distract me from my primary goal. I'm sure that you're like, why didn't you lock down one of those dudes? Well, I took it to heart that the only kind of relationships were the ones where a man sought me out as opposed to the other way around. When I let that go I ended up getting where I wanted to be.
 
SurferBabe said:
This reminds me of a quote from a book--

"People like Sheba think that they know what it's like to be lonely. They cast their minds back to the time they broke up with a boyfriend in 1975 and endured a whole month before meeting someone new. But about the drip drip of long-haul, no-end-in-sight solitude, they know nothing. They don't know what it is to construct an entire weekend around a visit to the laundrette. They don't know what it is to be so chronically untouched that the accidental brush of a bus conductor's hand on your shoulder sends a jolt of longing straight to your groin. I have sat on park benches and trains and schoolroom chairs, feeling the great store of unused, objectless love sitting in my belly like a stone until I was sure I would cry out and fall, flailing, to the ground. About all of this, Sheba and her like have no clue.” - Zoë Heller, Notes on a Scandal
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That’s heartbreaking
 
I am loving this discussion thread ladies!.. I was just having a conversation with one of my girlfriends. She just graduated grad school and now feels that she needs to be in a relationship.. complaining about where the men at. Keep in mind she is a home body, always talking about her physical image and how she needs to work out. Wants to talk about going for cup cakes and sugary foods. Child I all but side eyed her. I am at a point in my life to where I am working on me, I have turned down dates the last few months and made a decision to focus on grad school. Start seeing a therapist and get back into the gym. I told her to go visit a few bars. She keeps complaining about finding a black man.. I wanted to scream at her and tell her shut up!!. I am so tired of women, wanting relationships, but know they have themselves to work on. Then she continued on to talk about a man that is getting a divorce and offered to take her to dinner and blah blah blah... I told her to keep it moving if he is not DIVORCED.. Leave it alone. do not entertain him!!! She is one of those friends that cause me to go into isolation.. I cant stand women that don't know how to embrace being alone and enjoying the moment they are in. Keep in mind she just stop talking to her baby daddy less than a month ago (should I say stop having sex with him). Does that sound like someone ready for a relationship.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
I really do think that the philosophy that black women are given is that if they change something about themselves then that will directly change the type of men who approach them and that is at best a partial truth.


I always believed I deserved better which is why I had dozens of first and only dates and hundreds of didn't make it past a few phone calls non dates. The result of that was wasted time and still being single. The conventional wisdom for women is that you don't chase men and you are limited to the ones who approach you. Well, that works out well for some women, others realize that we have to game the system. Where I went wrong was spending too long in financial only relationships that would distract me from my primary goal. I'm sure that you're like, why didn't you lock down one of those dudes? Well, I took it to heart that the only kind of relationships were the ones where a man sought me out as opposed to the other way around. When I let that go I ended up getting where I wanted to be.
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No, when you work on yourself, you change the way you interact with men. When I first met my husband, he was flashy and sexy and always had the upper hand in our relationship. I was very naïve (and dyckmatized) and let him set the pace and tone. We met up again three years later, after my time of self reflection and improvement, I was force to be reckoned with. I looked good and I felt complete in myself. When he approached me, my stance was if you are not operating on my terms, you need to leave me alone to give the next man a chance. Instead of being put off, he was taken by the change in my attitude and was sprung. He actually said he was in a fog during that time "....I don't know what happened from the time I got off the plan to the time I walked down the aisle...you had me sprung." He claimed his timeline was to date for a while, live together for about a year, then work up the nerve to get engaged. Instead, he said hi in May and I do the next July.

All that to say the working on me changed my attitude towards the relationship. I knew I was a prize and when he hit me up, my thought process was I could take him or leave him. Somehow men seem to react positively to that stance.
 
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caribeandiva said:
That wasn’t the problem. The problem was how these ladies responded and put up with that mess. Dating isn’t hard. Dating without self-esteem is!
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The problem is you having self esteem while dating isn’t enough. As long as men can get away with doing the bare minimum many will. And those who are willing to put in the work know that if they ever get tired their is a woman who only needs “love”. Others keep setting the bar lower and lower and those who want more are seen as high maintenance.

I had to explain to one young woman that the guy she was seeing didn’t have a point about not spending any money on her. The wanted to hang at the house until he was sure that he was sure he wanted a relationship. His point was that he had spent too much money over they years early in relationships and they didn’t pan out and he “lost” money on his investment. So no dinners, movies, shows, ect until he was sure. I asked her about family style restaurants, put put golf ect. But it was nothing. I was like you get you hair done for him, you get your nails for him, you’ve purchased new outfits for him, you shaved your legs for him. I had to point out she was forking out money exploring where the relationship was going why wasn’t he?

But I’m sure once she demands a date night to Pizza. Hut he will be gone.
 
dicapr said:
The problem is you having self esteem while dating isn’t enough. As long as men can get away with doing the bare minimum many will. And those who are willing to put in the work know that if they ever get tired their is a woman who only needs “love”. Others keep setting the bar lower and lower and those who want more are seen as high maintenance.

I had to explain to one young woman that the guy she was seeing didn’t have a point about not spending any money on her. The wanted to hang at the house until he was sure that he was sure he wanted a relationship. His point was that he had spent too much money over they years early in relationships and they didn’t pan out and he “lost” money on his investment. So no dinners, movies, shows, ect until he was sure. I asked her about family style restaurants, put put golf ect. But it was nothing. I was like you get you hair done for him, you get your nails for him, you’ve purchased new outfits for him, you shaved your legs for him. I had to point out she was forking out money exploring where the relationship was going why wasn’t he?

But I’m sure once she demands a date night to Pizza. Hut he will be gone.
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Good. And hopefully he'll stay gone. What's his purpose besides wasting her time and youth? Why does she even bother with this waste of space? I can't comprehend.
 
jerseyhaircare said:
Good. And hopefully he'll stay gone. What's his purpose besides wasting her time and youth? Why does she even bother with this waste of space? I can't comprehend.
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She’s looking for a relationship and he looks good on paper and is faux deep.

Men have become skilled in making women feel bad about wanting to be treated like ladies. They don’t want to invest time or money-but they talk a good game about wanting something deeper, spiritual, and are open about their “feelings”. They are employed with decent jobs and don’t out right disrespect the women. They just convience women that demanding anything more in the relationship than bare minimum somehow negates them connecting on a deeper level.

So the men get sex, commitment from the woman, and someone willing to be in a fake relationship for less than the price of a hot and ready pizza. Meanwhile the men maintain their freedom, have no titles/ no commitment on their part, no demands on their time, and no financial investment.
 
dicapr said:
The problem is you having self esteem while dating isn’t enough...
I asked her about family style restaurants, put put golf ect. But it was nothing. I was like you get you hair done for him, you get your nails for him, you’ve purchased new outfits for him, you shaved your legs for him.
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She should be doing these things for herself, man or no man. Self love and self esteem are closely related.

dicapr said:
I had to point out she was forking out money exploring where the relationship was going why wasn’t he?
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If he hasn't taken you out in public, it is not a relationship. We've got to love ourselves more than that.
 
Zaynab said:
These comments are interesting. I will always to subscribe to the philosophy that if you don't entertain it, men don't have an option. I do believe it's rough out in the dating world but you have to operate a zero tolerance policy.
Click to expand...

I believe it, I believe it, I believe it. Some of these dudes just go from one woman to the other and sticks with whoever tolerates the most. I was convinced of that when I saw my ex on Iyanla.
 
RocStar said:
She should be doing these things for herself, man or no man. Self love and self esteem are closely related.


If he hasn't taken you out in public, it is not a relationship. We've got to love ourselves more than that.
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I was making a point. She was spending money and time to look good for him-going beyond what was her everyday basic look like most women do when they are in a new relationship. She was putting in effort where he was not.

Self love and esteem only work if you recognize the game these men are running from the get go. The lies and faux woke arguments these men in my area are using on the “dating” scene are worthy of a B movie. They have really convinced many women that they are offering more than they actually are.
 
dicapr said:
I was making a point. She was spending money and time to look good for him-going beyond what was her everyday basic look like most women do when they are in a new relationship. She was putting in effort where he was not.

Self love and esteem only work if you recognize the game these men are running from the get go. The lies and faux woke arguments these men in my area are using on the “dating” scene are worthy of a B movie. They have really convinced many women that they are offering more than they actually are.
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But what is lacking in these women to not see a man has no real interest her? Does she not have positive male role models in her life guiding her away from fbois? Is she young and naive? How is she getting dolled up to sit on a couch with someone who isn't even claiming her? What has happened to women? How sway?

Do we need a 2018 version of No Scrubs to help guide women away from unworthy situationships?
 
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Seems there are 2 different conversations going on in this thread. Yeah the women in the OP probably have low self esteem - those examples are the extreme of bad dating so to put up with those, one must have a few issues to work out. So yeah women need to work on themselves, build yourself up and all that good stuff. None of that negates the fact that even after you do that, it will still be hard in these dating streets. Which to me is a separate conversation. I won't deny the fact that of course the 2 are related - after all, usually there is a direct correlation between how much you are willing to put up with and your self worth. However, the men are still trying it. The question isn't whether or not you are willing to put up with constant bs and nonsense but if it's that hard out there? And the answer is yes.

Now, I know there are decent men out there and I don't have too much trouble finding good ones. One I'm interested in, maybe. But I won't deny there are good ones out there. I'm also not going to pretend that for every good dude approaching me, there are 10 raggedy ones thinking they have a chance. No, I'm not going to entertain a man like the busters in the OP. But I'm also not going to say it's not hard out there when this is the trash you have to sift through. Seeing as how times are changing and social media has made people even more dumb than they already were - with new men signing up to be fbois everyday after hearing some fool spout some idiotic negative ramblings about women, that trash pile is even bigger than it was before.

So to sum up...yeah it is that hard in these dating streets.
 
dicapr said:
I was making a point. She was spending money and time to look good for him-going beyond what was her everyday basic look like most women do when they are in a new relationship. She was putting in effort where he was not.

Self love and esteem only work if you recognize the game these men are running from the get go. The lies and faux woke arguments these men in my area are using on the “dating” scene are worthy of a B movie. They have really convinced many women that they are offering more than they actually are.
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Where is the mom teaching the self-love and esteem? As a mother I take it as a responsibility to to instill in my daughter her self esteem and worth. And cultivate that on a daily, weekly, monthly basis. We can't change the behavior of others, however we can change our behaviors and how we react.

ETA: Yes, it is hard out here in these streets.
 
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dicapr said:
I was like you get you hair done for him, you get your nails for him, you’ve purchased new outfits for him, you shaved your legs for him. I had to point out she was forking out money exploring where the relationship was going why wasn’t he?
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Technically, she should be doing these things for herself, as apart of self-care, but the first thing she should have told him was that his previous 'bad' investments weren't her problem. Sick of these men, ballin and now burnt, coming to the 'independent' woman talking about they can't/don't want to spend. :mad:
 
dicapr said:
Men have become skilled in making women feel bad about wanting to be treated like ladies. They don’t want to invest time or money-but they talk a good game about wanting something deeper, spiritual, and are open about their “feelings”. They are employed with decent jobs and don’t out right disrespect the women. They just convience women that demanding anything more in the relationship than bare minimum somehow negates them connecting on a deeper level.
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Someone told me that we only want to be wined and dined because we are trying to be like white women. :lachen:
 
While reading this thread, my friend sends me the IG "Thirsty Thursday" pics.....

They perfectly illustrate what is being conveyed in this thread. :lol: A pile of rejects. Can someone on IG post these shenanigans?
 
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