Is Life This Hard In The Dating Streets?

It's definitely this bad. Add that alot of these broke down men are also trying to sell polygamy, splitting bills. It's horrible. I've bought myself a BoB and just meeting men and weeding them out daily.

Your friends needs to do better. some of us learn the hard way
 
LivingInPeace said:
I feel like a lot of women like to see ourselves as victims of men with no personal agency.
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I feel like women who have an easy time going from zero to husband have zero empathy for women who struggle in the same area. I'm not taking shots at @jerseyhaircare , I've talked before about what it was like being a non unicorn with what people perceived as unicorn standards facing 40 and unmarried. I understand being so worn down by years of dating that you start to justify the formerly unthinkable when it comes to the men that you will entertain. That decision process has nothing to do with self esteem or whether or not your parents instilled you with xyz. Sometimes in life, things do not go the way you planned and extreme times call for extreme measures particularly at those 25, 30 and 35 age markers.
 
I want to add I am one who had to learn the hard way, so I completely understand the draw of companionship and sex. Alot of times you ignore the signs and think it'll improve. It won't. Women have to really work hard to push their needs aside. Especially when they get love bombed by a man who is full of foolishness.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
I feel like women who have an easy time going from zero to husband have zero empathy for women who struggle in the same area. I'm not taking shots at @jerseyhaircare , I've talked before about what it was like being a non unicorn with what people perceived as unicorn standards facing 40 and unmarried. I understand being so worn down by years of dating that you start to justify the formerly unthinkable when it comes to the men that you will entertain. That decision process has nothing to do with self esteem or whether or not your parents instilled you with xyz. Sometimes in life, things do not go the way you planned and extreme times call for extreme measures particularly at those 25, 30 and 35 age markers.
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I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree. I think that if you believe that you have to settle for repeatedly being treated poorly, that’s a symptom of low self esteem. I don’t think that meeting lousy men says anything negative about a woman. But I do believe that if you meet a man, discover he’s worthless and continue to entertain him and others like him, you need to start doing some work on yourself.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
I feel like women who have an easy time going from zero to husband have zero empathy for women who struggle in the same area. I'm not taking shots at @jerseyhaircare , I've talked before about what it was like being a non unicorn with what people perceived as unicorn standards facing 40 and unmarried. I understand being so worn down by years of dating that you start to justify the formerly unthinkable when it comes to the men that you will entertain. That decision process has nothing to do with self esteem or whether or not your parents instilled you with xyz. Sometimes in life, things do not go the way you planned and extreme times call for extreme measures particularly at those 25, 30 and 35 age markers.
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No offense taken. I am also a non unicorn-I talked before about being a super geek till college. I dealt most of my life with social phobia and had a hard time figuring out dating. So I know in a way I'm lucky to come into my own around 22 in medical school because though I had to learn and make mistakes, a least most of the guys in that atmosphere were fellow geeks and stand up guys. I also have friends in their late 30's who are a total package still looking for the one so I'm just grateful that I was able to find someone and no longer have to deal with dating. I get women reviewing their lists and chiseling away some things as they get older to create a larger dating pool (divorcees, older men, overweight, lower earning bracket, lesser attractiveness, different color, etc)

However, I still stick to the premise that even if the streets are hard and times are lean, I still don't understand putting up with piss poor behavior. He doesn't have to be perfect, but basic kindness and decency is a must.
 
jerseyhaircare said:
No offense taken. I am also a non unicorn-I talked before about being a super geek till college. I dealt most of my life with social phobia and had a hard time figuring out dating. So I know in a way I'm lucky to come into my own around 22 in medical school because though I had to learn and make mistakes, a least most of the guys in that atmosphere were fellow geeks and stand up guys. I also have friends in their late 30's who are a total package still looking for the one so I'm just grateful that I was able to find someone and no longer have to deal with dating. I get women reviewing their lists and chiseling away some things as they get older to create a larger dating pool (divorcees, older men, overweight, lower earning bracket, lesser attractiveness, different color, etc)

However, I still stick to the premise that even if the streets are hard and times are lean, I still don't understand putting up with piss poor behavior. He doesn't have to be perfect, but basic kindness and decency is a must.
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Not everyone has access to a decent pool of men. Moving on to the next man can mean understanding you will be alone for a long time-maybe years. Women coming off that long stretch of singlehood tend to take more crap than others. Long term singleness can make some women make questionable relationship decisions due to loneliness.
 
LivingInPeace said:
I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree. I think that if you believe that you have to settle for repeatedly being treated poorly, that’s a symptom of low self esteem. I don’t think that meeting lousy men says anything negative about a woman. But I do believe that if you meet a man, discover he’s worthless and continue to entertain him and others like him, you need to start doing some work on yourself.
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The bolded is not what I'm saying. I was not one who had to learn the hard way. There is nary a ninja who can sit back and tell the story of pulling anything near what's going on in the OP on me and a relationship continued and believe me some of them tried it. So what do you tell the woman who has 10, 15, 20 years of "tryin it" dudes who she either didn't entertain from jump or cut off when their true colors showed and as a result is still single to do?

I find the whole "work on yourself" motto useless in the age of the savage. We look at somebody like Mary J Blige who was in a horrific relationship with KC and "works on herself", gets a positive outlook on life, gets physically and emotionally healthier, starts making annoyingly positive music and then gets her a Kendu who everybody agreed at the time was proof of how a woman could turn things around.....and then come to find out he wasn't worth spit neither. He was a better quality dude than K-Ci but that didn't make him good, he was just a better packaged savage than K-Ci. So what does Mary do now, "work on herself" again? I'm just using a celebrity because we all know her story but it's a common story.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
The bolded is not what I'm saying. I was not one who had to learn the hard way. There is nary a ninja who can sit back and tell the story of pulling anything near what's going on in the OP on me and a relationship continued and believe me some of them tried it. So what do you tell the woman who has 10, 15, 20 years of "tryin it" dudes who she either didn't entertain from jump or cut off when their true colors showed and as a result is still single to do?

I find the whole "work on yourself" motto useless in the age of the savage. We look at somebody like Mary J Blige who was in a horrific relationship with KC and "works on herself", gets a positive outlook on life, gets physically and emotionally healthier, starts making annoyingly positive music and then gets her a Kendu who everybody agreed at the time was proof of how a woman could turn things around.....and then come to find out he wasn't worth spit neither. He was a better quality dude than K-Ci but that didn't make him good, he was just a better packaged savage than K-Ci. So what does Mary do now, "work on herself" again? I'm just using a celebrity because we all know her story but it's a common story.
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I don’t remember the details about Kendu. Was he the one who was working for her or was that another case?
 
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dicapr said:
Not everyone has access to a decent pool of men. Moving on to the next man can mean understanding you will be alone for a long time-maybe years. Women coming off that long stretch of singlehood tend to take more crap than others. Long term singleness can make some women make questionable relationship decisions due to loneliness.
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Maybe that's it. I was a serial monogamist so I was rarely single. I think that gave me the sense that there would always be someone else if a relationship didn't work out.

I remember when I left my two year relationship at the age of 31. My friend tried to convince me that I needed to stick with it because men were hard to come by and I was giving up my chance for happiness.

I however was convinced I could do better and moved on. I then got with my ex who was the love of my life with the thought it was finally going to happen. I walked away from him because even though I loved him more than life itself, I still wasn't convinced he was it.

I took a chance because my prospects were slim at that time (lived in an all white old people section of Florida). I walked out on faith and was able to get with my husband and it worked out (have several posts about this). This was all within a less than one year span from November 2010-May 2011. All the guys involved were good guys and offered marriage, but something inside me wouldn't let me settle. I think you have to maintain hope but I'm also lucky it all worked out because I took a big chance.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
He was supposed to be a music producer when they met. She gave him a job as her manager.
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Wouldn't an unemployed male still fall under the 'work with a brother' category? Just because she worked on herself didn't mean she corrected her self esteem issues. She clearly could have done better (even though he was a half a step up from the first). Hopefully the third time will be a charm-after some deep soul searching and therapy.
 
LivingInPeace said:
Can a woman expand her pool to include non-black men? Or change pools?
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Depending on where you live it can be a dating desert. Even if you “expand your pool” not every area is super open to interracial dating.

Add to the fact that BW tend to be educated (vs white women) and can make more money than potential partners it can be intemidating to some men. You tend to attract leaches which we see play out over and over in Hollywood and real life. Add that to the women who are willing to put up with nonsense like no labels but with the understanding she can’t date anyone but him and pickings can be super slim.

Changing pools-I’m guessing moving-is an option. But it may not be worth leaving a job you like, friends, and family support to do so. I’ve thought of leaving my dating desert area but my pension and the fact I need family/friend support (I have a chronic illness and sometimes need help) doesn’t make it a good choice right now.
 
I haven't had bad experiences with dating/attracting good men/relationships as an adult, but I think that probably has something to do with expanding my social circles and dating pool (as well as self worth, even when I was ugly :look:). Low self esteem/fragile ego playboy men prefer low (or at most moderate) self esteem women. They will compliment me, but wont try to ask me out which is alright with me.

I grew up in the ghetto, single parent, first one to go to university yada yada. Once I started dating cross-class and men with stable, traditional married parents things things were all good.

Perhaps if I had stayed in the same circle as my childhood friends I would have had some rubbish experiences with dating too. Either that, or I would have ended up lonely with standards lol.

ETA: Would just like to add in regards to the type of men I date... I feel like because in the Afro Caribbean community its less common to find a handsome, good background, well educated type they can sometimes be quite arrogant about it. Women gas them up and chase a LOT. Its a very different vibe to when I'm around say Nigerian, white or other men. Because a lot of them (in the circles I run in) have that they don't feel like they are doing something mega special by having a degree. I think this can affect dating also.

I get that vibe about AAs although I doubt its as bad. I'm sure if you tried to expand your circle in some cities you may find groups of black men who think they are special for having a decent job and still encounter lazy dating because they feel like the prize.
 
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LivingInPeace said:
None of that sounds like a good idea.
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I agree but in the Mo'Nique thread, manager husbands are a way to keep black wealth in black hands.
jerseyhaircare said:
Wouldn't an unemployed male still fall under the 'work with a brother' category? Just because she worked on herself didn't mean she corrected her self esteem issues. She clearly could have done better (even though he was a half a step up from the first). Hopefully the third time will be a charm-after some deep soul searching and therapy.
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He had a job. Music Producer. I'm taking a leap and assuming somebody vouched for him since Mary was in the industry and could easily verify this.

I don't know that she could have done better. Does Mary J. Blige "look like" the women men at her level of success marry? I mean she started out with access to Diddy, what does his current girl and 2 of 3 of his baby mama's look like?

Personally, I (still do) think that MJB could have pulled an Eve and married at the hundred million dollar level easily but that gets to this point.....
LivingInPeace said:
Can a woman expand her pool to include non-black men? Or change pools?
Click to expand...
Everybody isn't willing or able to deal with the challenges that come with dating interracially or interculturally. Broken record that I am, I remember the great Atlanta migration in the 90's because the streets were paved with black husbands. That intel was a bit faulty tho.

I changed pools and it worked for me but people get funny when it comes to this topic so I don't volunteer information on going that route.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
I agree but in the Mo'Nique thread, manager husbands are a way to keep black wealth in black hands.

He had a job. Music Producer. I'm taking a leap and assuming somebody vouched for him since Mary was in the industry and could easily verify this.

I don't know that she could have done better. Does Mary J. Blige "look like" the women men at her level of success marry? I mean she started out with access to Diddy, what does his current girl and 2 of 3 of his baby mama's look like?

Personally, I (still do) think that MJB could have pulled an Eve and married at the hundred million dollar level easily but that gets to this point.....

Everybody isn't willing or able to deal with the challenges that come with dating interracially or interculturally. Broken record that I am, I remember the great Atlanta migration in the 90's because the streets were paved with black husbands. That intel was a bit faulty tho.

I changed pools and it worked for me but people get funny when it comes to this topic so I don't volunteer information on going that route.
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Awww. I always thought she was a pretty lady. I'm still routing for her to get her prince-any color of the rainbow.
 
BonBon said:
I haven't had bad experiences with dating/attracting good men/relationships as an adult, but I think that probably has something to do with expanding my social circles and dating pool (as well as self worth, even when I was ugly :look:). Low self esteem/fragile ego playboy men prefer low (or at most moderate) self esteem women. They will compliment me, but wont try to ask me out which is alright with me.

I grew up in the ghetto, single parent, first one to go to university yada yada. Once I started dating cross-class and men with stable, traditional married parents things things were all good.

Perhaps if I had stayed in the same circle as my childhood friends I would have had some rubbish experiences with dating too. Either that, or I would have ended up lonely with standards lol.

ETA: Would just like to add in regards to the type of men I date... I feel like because in the Afro Caribbean community its less common to find a handsome, good background, well educated type they can sometimes be quite arrogant about it. Women gas them up and chase a LOT. Its a very different vibe to when I'm around say Nigerian, white or other men. Because a lot of them (in the circles I run in) have that they don't feel like they are doing something mega special by having a degree. I think this can affect dating also.

I get that vibe about AAs although I doubt its as bad. I'm sure if you tried to expand your circle in some cities you may find groups of black men who think they are special for having a decent job and still encounter lazy dating because they feel like the prize.
Click to expand...

I would personally say Nigerian men are the best to date because they are serious, but be prepared-dating them is akin to the mental Olympics. Games and ego a plenty.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
I agree but in the Mo'Nique thread, manager husbands are a way to keep black wealth in black hands.

He had a job. Music Producer. I'm taking a leap and assuming somebody vouched for him since Mary was in the industry and could easily verify this.

I don't know that she could have done better. Does Mary J. Blige "look like" the women men at her level of success marry? I mean she started out with access to Diddy, what does his current girl and 2 of 3 of his baby mama's look like?

Personally, I (still do) think that MJB could have pulled an Eve and married at the hundred million dollar level easily but that gets to this point.....

Everybody isn't willing or able to deal with the challenges that come with dating interracially or interculturally. Broken record that I am, I remember the great Atlanta migration in the 90's because the streets were paved with black husbands. That intel was a bit faulty tho.

I changed pools and it worked for me but people get funny when it comes to this topic so I don't volunteer information on going that route.
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Give the info!
 
jerseyhaircare said:
Awww. I always thought she was a pretty lady. I'm still routing for her to get her prince-any color of the rainbow.
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I found myself very confused by Mary's love life but as one dude at my cousins barbershop said "she ain't fine enough to go behind a crackhead for" meaning that she is forever tainted by lowering herself to be with K-Ci 20 whole years ago.
 
Times have changed on here. I remember being one of a very small number of posters arguing that it's not women's fault men don't act right and being told if we just raise our standards, men will have no choice but to act up to them. I was accused of taking away women's agency, blaming men for women making bad decisions, etc.

I have no point really, just find the shift interesting.
 
Meh. If you've been out of the dating pool more than 7, hell 5 years the game done changed. Ain't enough olympics training in the world to deepen the pool of black men that most black women want, it just is what it is. If I had to take a guess the women in the OP are probably educated and attractive and shouldn't have to go through this drama, but in this day and age, women are scared and they get desperate.
 
Southernbella. said:
Times have changed on here. I remember being one of a very small number of posters arguing that it's not women's fault men don't act right and being told if we just raise our standards, men will have no choice but to act up to them. I was accused of taking away women's agency, blaming men for women making bad decisions, etc.

I have no point really, just find the shift interesting.
Click to expand...
I used to think that...but life and just peeping game I've realized women are expected to do too darn much. We shouldn't have to essentially raise grown men to "do better" I would like us to stop doing that work and being emotional mules.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
I agree but in the Mo'Nique thread, manager husbands are a way to keep black wealth in black hands.

He had a job. Music Producer. I'm taking a leap and assuming somebody vouched for him since Mary was in the industry and could easily verify this.

I don't know that she could have done better. Does Mary J. Blige "look like" the women men at her level of success marry? I mean she started out with access to Diddy, what does his current girl and 2 of 3 of his baby mama's look like?

Personally, I (still do) think that MJB could have pulled an Eve and married at the hundred million dollar level easily but that gets to this point.....

Everybody isn't willing or able to deal with the challenges that come with dating interracially or interculturally. Broken record that I am, I remember the great Atlanta migration in the 90's because the streets were paved with black husbands. That intel was a bit faulty tho.

I changed pools and it worked for me but people get funny when it comes to this topic so I don't volunteer information on going that route.
Click to expand...

Lol. I remember too. Several of my friends moved to ATL in the late 90s. They said it was for their careers and in a few cases it was true. However, they were all looking for a husband because we were "at that age". Funny enough, none of them met their husbands in ATL.
 
LivingInPeace said:
Can a woman expand her pool to include non-black men? Or change pools?
Click to expand...

I feel like I'm a person where the pool just ain't there.

Expanding to non-black men doesn't really increase your odds because the vast majority of others are married by 25. So you have to catch them early or late after their divorces. And because of my family situation (until recently), I could not change pools.

In such a case, telling a woman like me "work on yourself" is not helpful if the pool is that limited. I think people can get uncomfortable with that idea because it's a loss of control over the outcome. "You need to do SOMETHING."
 
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