Is Life This Hard In The Dating Streets?

[LivingInPeace]

I feel like I'm a person where the pool just ain't there.

Expanding to non-black men doesn't really increase your odds because the vast majority of others are married by 25. So you have to catch them early or late after their divorces. And because of my family situation (until recently), I could not change pools.

In such a case, telling a woman like me "work on yourself" is not helpful if the pool is that limited. I think people can get uncomfortable with that idea because it's a loss of control over the outcome. "You need to do SOMETHING."

When I say work on yourself, I don’t mean that you(general you) won’t meet knuckleheads. I mean you won’t settle for an idiot because you will know that being alone is better than being crapped on just to say you have a man. Maybe that seems harsh, but not every woman is going to have a man.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

When I say work on yourself, I don’t mean that you(general you) won’t meet knuckleheads. I mean you won’t settle for an idiot because you will know that being alone is better than being crapped on just to say you have a man. Maybe that seems harsh, but not every woman is going to have a man.

Not at all. I think that last sentence is the truth that people scurry from at times. You can do everything "right" but still....some circumstances are beyond control. Like the economy, job market, generation you're born into play a huge role in finding a mate. Let alone the "savage" dating culture mentioned by Crackers.

 

[Southernbella.]

Lol. I remember too. Several of my friends moved to ATL in the late 90s. They said it was for their careers and in a few cases it was true. However, they were all looking for a husband because we were "at that age". Funny enough, none of them met their husbands in ATL.

What I've learned is that Atlanta folks by and large marry each other. People would say how hard it was to find a black man to marry here and I was like huh, everybody I know got married easily. I realize now that we don't really marry transplants.

 

[007PMP]

@AnjelLuvsUBabe

He didn’t say he was poly in his profile?!!

 

[WhoIAm]

Meh. If you've been out of the dating pool more than 7, hell 5 years the game done changed. Ain't enough olympics training in the world to deepen the pool of black men that most black women want, it just is what it is. If I had to take a guess the women in the OP are probably educated and attractive and shouldn't have to go through this drama, but in this day and age, women are scared and they get desperate.

I don't know why people don't get this.
Texting, social media, online dating, easy access to porn etc etc has forever changed the dating game. Dating >= 5 years ago was like doing a 200 meter dash. Nowadays it's a #$#%*&% tough mudder.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

When I say work on yourself, I don’t mean that you(general you) won’t meet knuckleheads. I mean you won’t settle for an idiot because you will know that being alone is better than being crapped on just to say you have a man. Maybe that seems harsh, but not every woman is going to have a man.

I don't tap dance around a whole lot of topics but the bolded is a message that I can't bring myself to deliver.

What I've learned is that Atlanta folks by and large marry each other. People would say how hard it was to find a black man to marry here and I was like huh, everybody I know got married easily. I realize now that we don't really marry transplants.

Yeah, them big ole strapping, chiffarobe busting, countrified men sound good until you gotta make biscuits from scratch every morning or hear his mouth. Regional differences are real. Listen, if the zombie apocalypse started today and all that was left of man-kind were NY dudes of ANY color from any borough or upstate even, I'd have to become a lesbian.

I feel like I'm a person where the pool just ain't there.

Expanding to non-black men doesn't really increase your odds because the vast majority of others are married by 25. So you have to catch them early or late after their divorces. And because of my family situation (until recently), I could not change pools.

In such a case, telling a woman like me "work on yourself" is not helpful if the pool is that limited. I think people can get uncomfortable with that idea because it's a loss of control over the outcome. "You need to do SOMETHING."

My bestie (without me pushing) decided that she would gone head and date interracially if she met a dude that she was feeling. However, she quickly hit that limited pool wall where she lives. She visits me in LA and has white men who look like the white men on good tv shows hitting on her whereas when she gets back to Michigan she get all the John Goodman/King of Queens looking white men tryna holler. She won't move to LA because she hates the concept of LA even though she keeps coming back but the pickings are dismal where she's at.

Now all that said, the reason bestie has been visiting so often is I introduced her to a very generous divorced man who flies her out when she can get away. I have decided not to ask any questions, I don't know how serious or unserious it is. As a match maker, my job is to lead a horse to water. If them horses, sips, dranks, chugs, swims, takes a bath, etc., that ain't none of my business unless they volunteer the info.

 

[Farida]

I feel like women who have an easy time going from zero to husband have zero empathy for women who struggle in the same area. I'm not taking shots at @jerseyhaircare , I've talked before about what it was like being a non unicorn with what people perceived as unicorn standards facing 40 and unmarried. I understand being so worn down by years of dating that you start to justify the formerly unthinkable when it comes to the men that you will entertain. That decision process has nothing to do with self esteem or whether or not your parents instilled you with xyz. Sometimes in life, things do not go the way you planned and extreme times call for extreme measures particularly at those 25, 30 and 35 age markers.

Thank you for keeping it 100%

 

[Farida]

I feel like I'm a person where the pool just ain't there.

Expanding to non-black men doesn't really increase your odds because the vast majority of others are married by 25. So you have to catch them early or late after their divorces. And because of my family situation (until recently), I could not change pools.

In such a case, telling a woman like me "work on yourself" is not helpful if the pool is that limited. I think people can get uncomfortable with that idea because it's a loss of control over the outcome. "You need to do SOMETHING."

I tell younger folks early marriage is a mixed bag. I married at 22 and many people said it was a mistake. We shall see. We are still together. No cheating, no abuse. Hard times for sure though.

But I tell people the one thing for a woman about marrying earlier is you have so much of a wider pool. Especially if you are in college. Every single time I meet a dude now that I am like would be perfect to introduce to a friend he is already married. The good ones get snatched up early.

And when you get older there seems to be lots of leftover weirdos or divorcees. A dude in his 40s and has never been married and has no kids - usually trouble. Divorced dudes have their own drama.

It is not impossible to find a good dude later and settling is not wise...but it gets harder and harder. Men have the luxury of being a full 50 and still dating 20-year olds. Dudes have the luxury of being dads and women finding that a plus versus a minus like single moms are seen.

I tell my young friends who wanna marry to snatch up any really good dudes they find. It's hard out there.

 

[BonBon]

Expanding to non-black men doesn't really increase your odds because the vast majority of others are married by 25.

The vast majority of men with less than a high school diploma are married by around 25, but educated men and those with advanced degrees marry later and have children later. The average age of first marriage in the US is now 29 for men and 27 for women. It will increase your odds as long as you're hanging in the right circles.

 

[LivingInPeace]

He was supposed to be a music producer when they met. She gave him a job as her manager.

Many moons ago, a friend of mine got married. She lived in Atlanta. Her fiancé quit his job in Cleveland to move where she was. My father told me that a man should have something going for himself so he’s not following a woman around. I thought it was horribly sexist. Of course, my friend and her husband were divorced within three years.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

I don't tap dance around a whole lot of topics but the bolded is a message that I can't bring myself to deliver.


Yeah, them big ole strapping, chiffarobe busting, countrified men sound good until you gotta make biscuits from scratch every morning or hear his mouth. Regional differences are real. Listen, if the zombie apocalypse started today and all that was left of man-kind were NY dudes of ANY color from any borough or upstate even, I'd have to become a lesbian.


My bestie (without me pushing) decided that she would gone head and date interracially if she met a dude that she was feeling. However, she quickly hit that limited pool wall where she lives. She visits me in LA and has white men who look like the white men on good tv shows hitting on her whereas when she gets back to Michigan she get all the John Goodman/King of Queens looking white men tryna holler. She won't move to LA because she hates the concept of LA even though she keeps coming back but the pickings are dismal where she's at.

Now all that said, the reason bestie has been visiting so often is I introduced her to a very generous divorced man who flies her out when she can get away. I have decided not to ask any questions, I don't know how serious or unserious it is. As a match maker, my job is to lead a horse to water. If them horses, sips, dranks, chugs, swims, takes a bath, etc., that ain't none of my business unless they volunteer the info.

John Goodman/King of Queens .... girl, yes. But not to worry, I plan on moving around soon to avoid this very thing.

The vast majority of men with less than a high school diploma are married by around 25, but educated men and those with advanced degrees marry later and have children later. The average age of first marriage in the US is now 29 for men and 27 for women. It will increase your odds as long as you're hanging in the right circles.

That's the national average, I'm talking about specifically where I am. These others are married by 21 without a degree, 25 with a degree. Or I know a few still in school but married/engaged. I work for a major corporate employer in my area so I'm not talking about dusty leftovers here.

But I was using myself as an example of a limited pool. I'm just saying that other women could be experiencing something similar where it's long stretches of time between meeting marriageable men and then if most of them are playing games like these dudes in the OP??

 

[AnjelLuvs]

@AnjelLuvsUBabe

He didn’t say he was poly in his profile?!!

No not much in profile to begin with Coffee Meets Bagel... I would suspect on a platform that allows for an "official" intro, he probably would disclose.

 

[UmSumayyah]

The vast majority of men with less than a high school diploma are married by around 25, but educated men and those with advanced degrees marry later and have children later. The average age of first marriage in the US is now 29 for men and 27 for women. It will increase your odds as long as you're hanging in the right circles.

I agree but in the Mo'Nique thread, manager husbands are a way to keep black wealth in black hands.

He had a job. Music Producer. I'm taking a leap and assuming somebody vouched for him since Mary was in the industry and could easily verify this.

I don't know that she could have done better. Does Mary J. Blige "look like" the women men at her level of success marry? I mean she started out with access to Diddy, what does his current girl and 2 of 3 of his baby mama's look like?

Personally, I (still do) think that MJB could have pulled an Eve and married at the hundred million dollar level easily but that gets to this point.....

Everybody isn't willing or able to deal with the challenges that come with dating interracially or interculturally. Broken record that I am, I remember the great Atlanta migration in the 90's because the streets were paved with black husbands. That intel was a bit faulty tho.

I changed pools and it worked for me but people get funny when it comes to this topic so I don't volunteer information on going that route.

I am now firmly in agreement with BB about the programming and brainwashing of bw. Fear-mongering, use of imagery, shaming etc. kept (and keeps) black women holding out all the while bm marry out more and more every year. It would really make a fascinating sociological/marketing study.

 

[RoundEyedGirl504]

When I say work on yourself, I don’t mean that you(general you) won’t meet knuckleheads. I mean you won’t settle for an idiot because you will know that being alone is better than being crapped on just to say you have a man. Maybe that seems harsh, but not every woman is going to have a man.

I think this is true. But humans want and need companionship, and that factor cannot be emphasized enough. That is a physiological need. Women wandering the dating desert for decades are going to start to see mirages LOL! I do think women have to do the work of learning how to vet a man properly regardless of race/ethnicity, ain't no sense in jumping into new pools with the old mindset.

 

[jerseyhaircare]

When I say work on yourself, I don’t mean that you(general you) won’t meet knuckleheads. I mean you won’t settle for an idiot because you will know that being alone is better than being crapped on just to say you have a man. Maybe that seems harsh, but not every woman is going to have a man.

Exactly. I feel like a broken record, but I totally agree with working on yourself. When I reflect my dating life, I could have been married in my 20's but I was too focused on finding myself and having fun so I sabotaged a lot of good relationships. It's only when I decided I'm going to take a break from dating and realized that I had to figure out my issues in order to mess up my next relationship. My biggest issue was I was the type that liked to hang out with guys and kept in contact with all my exes. In all my past relationships, I made sure they knew that my male friends were non negotiable and they would always be around. I had to realized that no man was going to take me seriously if my attention was always divided by other guys.

It was hard for me, but I cut off a lot of my male friends which was scary because I used them as my support system. I definitely was not good at being alone. During this period, though I was lonely, I focused on improving my body and my mind. A few months in, one of my exes contacted me. The old me would have slept with him for old times sake and restarted a relationship with the wrong person because of loneliness. However, since I was in a good place, I was able to tell myself that he was not the one and I needed to keep waiting (even though I had no other prospects at the time.

Working on yourself is very useful because it helps you focus on your needs and desires and also helps you work on your weaker areas. It helps me when I'm feeling unhappy because it gives me the control to work on being the person who I want to be. When I'm happy, working on myself helps be the be the best person possible. Even though I'm married, I still make goals of improvement because I refuse to be complacent. I always want to keep dh on his toes.

 

[meka72]

but not every woman is going to have a man.

On the one hand, I agree that just numerically, not every women who wants a romantic relationship is going to get a romantic relationship. However on the other hand, I think women accept crappy relationships with crappy men because they don't want to be in that pool of women who want a romantic relationship but won't get it.

My cousin told me that she didn't know how I did it (go awhile between relationships and not pressed to be in one) because she needed a man. I pointed out that I'm not willing to be in a bad relationship with a man who ain't bringing nothing to the table, whom I also have to share. I'm serious when I say her response was "Oh."

She is currently crazy about a guy who has no teeth (she got him some), no job, who is emotionally and verbally abusive. But he's rich in drug usage and felonies (~30). Outwardly, she has a great life.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

"She gave him some"

Okay, I was not anticipating that line.

 

[Silkycoils]

I typed out this long post but I'm trying to be more succinct.

Here are my bullet points:
*Yes, it is challenging out here.
*Black Women are going to have to be open to dating out . . .to heck with this one-sided loyalty.
*Black Women need to learn how to VET. "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" taught me about judging people based off their character . . .life changing advice.
*Heal. Therapy, meditation, etc. Baggage Reclaim is a great site. Her book "Mr. Unavailable" is also a gem. EFT to uncover hidden beliefs works as well. I love Brad Yates.
*Recognize your strengths and weaknesses and build upon/correct them.
*Live your best life irrespective of having a partner. This gives you that "joie de vivre" that attracts more people to you.
*Always remember that YOU are the prize . . .and behave accordingly.
*Be okay with/comfortable with being alone . . .eliminates desperation.
*You may have to change your surroundings.
*Become unapologetically intolerant of bad behavior/disrespect! This communicates loud and clear how you feel about yourself. Be like this with everyone. You don't have to curse people out . . .you simply do not accept the behavior. If you already have a relationship, you call their attention to the behavior and maintain the expectation that they cut it out. If you don't have a relationship . . .let's just say my block game is strong. I don't like inconsiderate people . . .at all. If a man is trying to get to know me, I expect him to be on point with certain things. If you say you're going to call me at a certain time, and I notice that by the next day you haven't called . . .you're cancelled and that's the end of it! I want to be treated like a treasure, and you simply don't want me bad enough.

 

[jerseyhaircare]

I typed out this long post but I'm trying to be more succinct.

Here are my bullet points:
*Yes, it is challenging out here.
*Black Women are going to have to be open to dating out . . .to heck with this one-sided loyalty.
*Black Women need to learn how to VET. "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" taught me about judging people based off their character . . .life changing advice.
*Heal. Therapy, meditation, etc. Baggage Reclaim is a great site. Her book "Mr. Unavailable" is also a gem. EFT to uncover hidden beliefs works as well. I love Brad Yates.
*Recognize your strengths and weaknesses and build upon/correct them.
*Live your best life irrespective of having a partner. This gives you that "joie de vivre" that attracts more people to you.
*Always remember that YOU are the prize . . .and behave accordingly.
*Be okay with/comfortable with being alone . . .eliminates desperation.
*You may have to change your surroundings.
*Become unapologetically intolerant of bad behavior/disrespect! This communicates loud and clear how you feel about yourself. Be like this with everyone. You don't have to curse people out . . .you simply do not accept the behavior. If you already have a relationship, you call their attention to the behavior and maintain the expectation that they cut it out. If you don't have a relationship . . .let's just say my block game is strong. I don't like inconsiderate people . . .at all. If a man is trying to get to know me, I expect him to be on point with certain things. If you say you're going to call me at a certain time, and I notice that by the next day you haven't called . . .you're cancelled and that's the end of it! I want to be treated like a treasure, and you simply don't want me bad enough.

Great post. Love it!

 

[Crackers Phinn]

Thank you for keeping it 100%

The gifts of therapy, 20/20 hindsight and a mellow home life allow me to be forthcoming about the vulnerability I felt during that time.

 

[SurferBabe]

I feel like women who have an easy time going from zero to husband have zero empathy for women who struggle in the same area. I'm not taking shots at @jerseyhaircare , I've talked before about what it was like being a non unicorn with what people perceived as unicorn standards facing 40 and unmarried. I understand being so worn down by years of dating that you start to justify the formerly unthinkable when it comes to the men that you will entertain. That decision process has nothing to do with self esteem or whether or not your parents instilled you with xyz. Sometimes in life, things do not go the way you planned and extreme times call for extreme measures particularly at those 25, 30 and 35 age markers.

This reminds me of a quote from a book--

"People like Sheba think that they know what it's like to be lonely. They cast their minds back to the time they broke up with a boyfriend in 1975 and endured a whole month before meeting someone new. But about the drip drip of long-haul, no-end-in-sight solitude, they know nothing. They don't know what it is to construct an entire weekend around a visit to the laundrette. They don't know what it is to be so chronically untouched that the accidental brush of a bus conductor's hand on your shoulder sends a jolt of longing straight to your groin. I have sat on park benches and trains and schoolroom chairs, feeling the great store of unused, objectless love sitting in my belly like a stone until I was sure I would cry out and fall, flailing, to the ground. About all of this, Sheba and her like have no clue.” - Zoë Heller, Notes on a Scandal

 

[TCatt86]

some of these comments havr me thinking of a black woman business owner. She's a social media influencer abd is building a multimillion dollar cosmetics business. Anyway from what i gsther through social media, before she started her cosmetic business she had a t shirt line. at the time she was in a "relationship" with a man that's in prison. I mean she was riding hard. they eventually broke up because he was dogging her out. Now she's engaged to a man who honestly had no known legal profession before her. She gave him her t shirt business to rub while she focuses on her cosmetics line. To many in the hood love set they are relationship goals. But to me she, she is basically building a man. He's better than her ex becayse he's not in jail but I wouldn't be surprised if he does her lile Kendu did Mary J.

 

[Southernbella.]

some of these comments havr me thinking of a black woman business owner. She's a social media influencer abd is building a multimillion dollar cosmetics business. Anyway from what i gsther through social media, before she started her cosmetic business she had a t shirt line. at the time she was in a "relationship" with a man that's in prison. I mean she was riding hard. they eventually broke up because he was dogging her out. Now she's engaged to a man who honestly had no known legal profession before her. She gave him her t shirt business to rub while she focuses on her cosmetics line. To many in the hood love set they are relationship goals. But to me she, she is basically building a man. He's better than her ex becayse he's not in jail but I wouldn't be surprised if he does her lile Kendu did Mary J.

I think this is another facet of this discussion...the women who are perfectly content with these types of relationships. I see this more with white women than black ones but there's a faction who doesn't believe in gender roles, prizes, etc. They're just pragmatic about relationships, and they feel that love is all they need from a partner.

Are they on the list of women who made bad choices? I don't know.

One of my sisters has never been married and doesn't want to be. She keeps a man though and is perfectly content with living with them until she's sick of them, then it's on to the next. Is she on the list? I don't know.

 

[TCatt86]

I think this is another facet of this discussion...the women who are perfectly content with these types of relationships. I see this more with white women than black ones but there's a faction who doesn't believe in gender roles, prizes, etc. They're just pragmatic about relationships, and they feel that love is all they need from a partner.

Are they on the list of women who made bad choices? I don't know.

One of my sisters has never been married and doesn't want to be. She keeps a man though and is perfectly content with living with them until she's sick of them, then it's on to the next. Is she on the list? I don't know.

I think for women who don't believe in gender roles I think as long as they are happy. I feel similarly about women in polygamist relationships that are healthy. Though most men are incapable of fostering a healthy polygamist environment and I don't think they are beneficial for the women or children.

This particular woman believes in gender roles though. When she was with her jail bird she was making videos on what men should be doing in relationships, when her own man couldn't do those things.

 

[Southernbella.]

I think for women who don't believe in gender roles I think as long as they are happy. I feel similarly about women in polygamist relationships that are healthy. Though most men are incapable of fostering a healthy polygamist environment and I don't think they are beneficial for the women or children.

This particular woman believes in gender roles though. When she was with her jail bird she was making videos on what men should be doing in relationships, when her own man couldn't do those things.

Making videos about men whilst having man problems. That's interesting. Well she's definitely on the list since she wants something more but doesn't know how to get it.

 

[AnjelLuvs]

I think this is true. But humans want and need companionship, and that factor cannot be emphasized enough. That is a physiological need. Women wandering the dating desert for decades are going to start to see mirages LOL! I do think women have to do the work of learning how to vet a man properly regardless of race/ethnicity, ain't no sense in jumping into new pools with the old mindset.

This is my quote of day! #perfectAnalogy

 

[BrownSkin2]

I don't tap dance around a whole lot of topics but the bolded is a message that I can't bring myself to deliver.

Yeah, them big ole strapping, chiffarobe busting, countrified men sound good until you gotta make biscuits from scratch every morning or hear his mouth. Regional differences are real. Listen, if the zombie apocalypse started today and all that was left of man-kind were NY dudes of ANY color from any borough or upstate even, I'd have to become a lesbian.



Now all that said, the reason bestie has been visiting so often is I introduced her to a very generous divorced man who flies her out when she can get away. I have decided not to ask any questions, I don't know how serious or unserious it is. As a match maker, my job is to lead a horse to water. If them horses, sips, dranks, chugs, swims, takes a bath, etc., that ain't none of my business unless they volunteer the info.

What's wrong with NY dudes??? Arrogant? Too slick? Just curious..

 

[Crackers Phinn]

What's wrong with NY dudes??? Arrogant? Too slick? Just curious..

I ain't tryna e-fight the apologists again.
https://longhaircareforum.com/threa...heeda-filed-for-divorce.816433/#post-23827147
https://longhaircareforum.com/threa...filed-for-divorce.816433/page-2#post-23827571

 

[RoundEyedGirl504]

I think for women who don't believe in gender roles I think as long as they are happy. I feel similarly about women in polygamist relationships that are healthy. Though most men are incapable of fostering a healthy polygamist environment and I don't think they are beneficial for the women or children.

This particular woman believes in gender roles though. When she was with her jail bird she was making videos on what men should be doing in relationships, when her own man couldn't do those things.

Haha well now she's posting videos cooking for your man, how that go when you buying the groceries too? Or those trips he supposedly surprised them with? And she's also unattractive so she definitely doesn't believe she can get it without buying it.

 

[Zaynab]

These comments are interesting. I will always to subscribe to the philosophy that if you don't entertain it, men don't have an option. I do believe it's rough out in the dating world but you have to operate a zero tolerance policy.