I don’t have pretty privilege and that sucks

caribeandiva said:
I just ordered this crop top!
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On a note of digression. I am noticing even when I go out the rise in WP having very brown skin. It's not even a tan, it's more than that. I think its the injections that Kim K is getting. It's the melanotan. It's clear that they want that mixed beauty standard but still have the straight hair, light hair and light eyes and maintain the privilege. No one drags them for changing their skin color to a darker hue. That's an interesting phenomenon that I hope someone studies. It goes deeper than black fishing which is completely not accepted. I have even see WM with this melanotan color too. I guess if it a semi-permanent color that can't be washed off then it gets some leeway. It looks odd though in real life.

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
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Pretty privilege is definitely a thing. Me and a guy were talking about this because we are both considered attractive and were comparing notes.

I am also affable but I know I'm cute and that my round face makes people automatically assume that I'm friendly...which I am. But I noticed that I do get away with stuff that other women might not because I'm considered "pretty".

( I figured that I fall into this category because of the feedback I've gotten all of my life. Also the attention is not limited to men it's the women and babies too)
 
Is this a good place to talk about "man" pretty vs. "woman" pretty? I just revisited the video in the OP since I don't remember watching it (then I remembered that I did lol) and remembered the concept of being "man" pretty. Could this be part of her problem? That she doesn't fit a certain look? I don't think that she's ugly at all. So...

Also, if anyone knows the difference in each type of pretty I'd like to hear it!
 
C@ssandr@ said:
Is this a good place to talk about "man" pretty vs. "woman" pretty? I just revisited the video in the OP since I don't remember watching it (then I remembered that I did lol) and remembered the concept of being "man" pretty. Could this be part of her problem? That she doesn't fit a certain look? I don't think that she's ugly at all. So...

Also, if anyone knows the difference in each type of pretty I'd like to hear it!
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I think she is neither, but she isn’t ugly. She just needs to stop wearing those wigs and glasses. And we don’t know what type of man she wants fawning over her. If she has certain physical attributes that men like, a man will give her some attention. A woman with no teeth will have a man in her face if she has a nice shape and a big behind.
 
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C@ssandr@ said:
Is this a good place to talk about "man" pretty vs. "woman" pretty? I just revisited the video in the OP since I don't remember watching it (then I remembered that I did lol) and remembered the concept of being "man" pretty. Could this be part of her problem? That she doesn't fit a certain look? I don't think that she's ugly at all. So...

Also, if anyone knows the difference in each type of pretty I'd like to hear it!
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Not being pretty doesn't automatically mean that someone's ugly. You can just be regular or nondescript (ie. Steph's situation). There's no reason to just jump all the way to ugly LOL!

I feel that woman-pretty and man-pretty both vary for different reasons. Women will say that a chick is pretty because 1) they like the her personality or 2) it's out of pity instead of basing their opinion on the actual aesthetics of her face. Women will look at a woman that is standardly beautiful and say that "she's not even that pretty" out of pure pettiness :rolleyes: . I feel like woman-pretty tends to be kinda low level pretty, and it gets thrown around a lot for chicks who look super regular degular.

Man-pretty is honestly weird sometimes. Women that I thought were undisputedly unattractive have been described as pretty by my male friends :whyme:. I do think that when guys say that a chick is pretty that they mean her face is pretty, not her body or personality. I also think that when a woman's face gives a guy a warm, feminine, maternal vibe that he'll default to pretty. My experience has been that man-pretty is loaded with a level of protectiveness that other descriptors don't necessarily get.
 
ckisland said:
Not being pretty doesn't automatically mean that someone's ugly. You can just be regular or nondescript (ie. Steph's situation). There's no reason to just jump all the way to ugly LOL!

I feel that woman-pretty and man-pretty both vary for different reasons. Women will say that a chick is pretty because 1) they like the her personality or 2) it's out of pity instead of basing their opinion on the actual aesthetics of her face. Women will look at a woman that is standardly beautiful and say that "she's not even that pretty" out of pure pettiness :rolleyes: . I feel like woman-pretty tends to be kinda low level pretty, and it gets thrown around a lot for chicks who look super regular degular.

Man-pretty is honestly weird sometimes. Women that I thought were undisputedly unattractive have been described as pretty by my male friends :whyme:. I do think that when guys say that a chick is pretty that they mean her face is pretty, not her body or personality. I also think that when a woman's face gives a guy a warm, feminine, maternal vibe that he'll default to pretty. My experience has been that man-pretty is loaded with a level of protectiveness that other descriptors don't necessarily get.
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I can totally believe what is in bold.

I don't agree that most or all women cant differentiate btwn face, personality, body type, etc. Recently, my brother showed me and my family some pics of all of his exes. Me and sis-in-law agreed that J was the prettiest (I was only basing it on her face) while my brothers agreed that C was the prettiest one. J had my vote because she has a friendly face and big bright eyes. C doesn't have any stand out features to me...but her face is round and maybe that's the maternal thing you're talking about. She is actualy pretty, but the other girl was just pretti-er. So now I'm really wondering. about this. I'm going to share your definition with my brother and see what he says. lol.
 
I do think that finding a woman attractive for a man can be quite different from who they marry. My cousin married a woman who he didn't find attractive at all, however he found her maternal looking as @ckisland indicated. His wife I think has a perpetual insecurity about that, however for her being married meant that looks weren't that important to him even though he is a visual person. However, I think that a woman may not be conventionally beautiful but I do think that it is important that people are attractive to one another or else it can issues in the long run.

I live in the States, but I found when I was living and visiting in various countries throughout Africa (not Northern Africa), the standard of beauty was smooth poreless dark brown to ebony skin (the predominant skin color). Beautifully shaped and expressive eyes and a nice waist and butt. The bad wigs and small boobs didn't bother men over there. Round faces and warm eyes were also prized in West Africa.

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
MissNina said:
You supported my point Bc even what you stated is not actually separating the two. Saying “My light-skinned and exotical friends are seen as more attractive and treated differently than me” is a whole lot different than “I’m not pretty b/c I’m not exotical & light skinned and I’m treated differently Bc I’m not and I probably won’t ever get married Bc I’m not.” Problem. Atic.

Do you see what I’m saying? If she saw it was colorism, she could compartmentalize that thought vs. internalizing it and allowing it to shape her own thoughts about herself. She would see that a simple solution to her issue is to, one way or another, surround herself with men/ppl that value Black women as a whole.

As far as what’s off putting, she is intellectually snotty. I can be kinda like that, so I dig it, but she has a way of phrasing things/coming off as if her opinion is fact and she’s already figured out the reasons for all her issues & all of life. Men don’t really value that like women do, IME, and even women find it annoying. Amanda Seale comes off similar and I can’t stand her. Intellectually superior vibe.
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And see, she wants the KIND of man who doesn't like that, so her, like many other women looking for a particular kind of man, oft come off as delusional. In reality, men like a smart woman. Even men who put off an ALPHA vibe. They respect and prefer smart women---who don't speak or look down on others. And I feel that vibe. Its likely an overcompensation for what she believes she is lacking aesthetically.

Concerning another comment about her not wanting to do anything about it...I think pretty privilege is a thing too but there are so many influencers out there and IG girls who look real regular (i.e. forgettable) without their wigs, chiseled makeup and faux booties. She seems like she is lacking self love--but it doesn't seem like it because she puts off an intellectual air that keeps people away as a defense mechanism.
 
almond eyes said:
I do think that finding a woman attractive for a man can be quite different from who they marry. My cousin married a woman who he didn't find attractive at all, however he found her maternal looking as @ckisland indicated. His wife I think has a perpetual insecurity about that, however for her being married meant that looks weren't that important to him even though he is a visual person. However, I think that a woman may not be conventionally beautiful but I do think that it is important that people are attractive to one another or else it can issues in the long run.
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I am all kinds of confused with this. Did he say why he chose her? Did her personality grow on him? Are they still married?
 
awhyley said:
I am all kinds of confused with this. Did he say why he chose her? Did her personality grow on him? Are they still married?
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Yes, they are still married. Their church spoke to and convinced him. He found her to be dependable, loyal and could get things done just not attractive in the face for him. A nice full bosom helped her case too. Whenever he acts cold which is often, she puts it down to his mood swings. Now, he seems like the type of man that even if a woman was a stunner he would still find a problem.

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
almond eyes said:
Yes, they are still married. Their church spoke to and convinced him. He found her to be dependable, loyal and could get things done just not attractive in the face for him. A nice full bosom helped her case too. Whenever he acts cold which is often, she puts it down to his mood swings. Now, he seems like the type of man that even if a woman was a stunner he would still find a problem.

Best,
Almond Eyes
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So he married a Buick when he wanted a Lexus. :( I can't imagine ever feeling secure if I'm in a relationship where the man doesn't find me attractive, however good he may be in other ways.

caribeandiva said:
So she’s taking y’all’s comments into consideration. New look… kinda:
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Okay, I watched this one too. :look: I think I watch because I kind of see my younger self in her.

I wish sis would ditch the big clunky glasses. It's like a barrier to her face. Even her poolside pic has them. Another defense mechanism. She may want to invest in a stylist.

I appreciate that she has some self awareness of what her issue really is. Not being socialized to view yourself as a potential partner (@12:46) is what's really driving things here. Being made to feel invisible or being flat out told that you are not an option can and will mark your self esteem years after it occurred. Good or bad, we are the sum of our experiences and if we don't do the work to heal our hurts we end up stuck, repeating the same patterns.

As for the online dating thing: Ugh.

Online dating can be a dismal scene especially for black women. I don't think she's really cut out for it, but I don't blame her for trying. You gotta keep trying, right? I can't tell you how many times I see a profile of a brotha I thought would be a good match only to see "race open" or see them state preferences that don't involve BW. That said, I met a few guys and had some interesting experiences. One of them even flew me out to see him. Does that mean I have a modicum of pretty privilege? Iono.

Would StephCo be salty? Yes. Please, somebody fly her out somewhere!

None of those online guys was the one I ended up marrying though.
 
cocosweet said:
So he married a Buick when he wanted a Lexus. :( I can't imagine ever feeling secure if I'm in a relationship where the man doesn't find me attractive, however good he may be in other ways.


Okay, I watched this one too. :look: I think I watch because I kind of see my younger self in her.

I wish sis would ditch the big clunky glasses. It's like a barrier to her face. Even her poolside pic has them. Another defense mechanism. She may want to invest in a stylist.

I appreciate that she has some self awareness of what her issue really is. Not being socialized to view yourself as a potential partner (@12:46) is what's really driving things here. Being made to feel invisible or being flat out told that you are not an option can and will mark your self esteem years after it occurred. Good or bad, we are the sum of our experiences and if we don't do the work to heal our hurts we end up stuck, repeating the same patterns.

As for the online dating thing: Ugh.

Online dating can be a dismal scene especially for black women. I don't think she's really cut out for it, but I don't blame her for trying. You gotta keep trying, right? I can't tell you how many times I see a profile of a brotha I thought would be a good match only to see "race open" or see them state preferences that don't involve BW. That said, I met a few guys and had some interesting experiences. One of them even flew me out to see him. Does that mean I have a modicum of pretty privilege? Iono.

Would StephCo be salty? Yes. Please, somebody fly her out somewhere!

None of those online guys was the one I ended up marrying though.
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A lot of men don’t marry for looks or attractiveness. They just don’t go around saying it. Marriage isn’t about looks though. I believe men marry based on certain attributes that will benefit them long term. Women marry for love, companionship, and stability. You don’t hear women saying I married my husband because he is good at fixing cars, or he is good with cooking, cleaning, properly managing finances, he cuts the grass well, he is good at math, so he can help our future children with their math homework, etc..lol
 
Evolving78 said:
A lot of men don’t marry for looks or attractiveness. They just don’t go around saying it. Marriage isn’t about looks though. I believe men marry based on certain attributes that will benefit them long term. Women marry for love, companionship, and stability. You don’t hear women saying I married my husband because he is good at fixing cars, or he is good with cooking, cleaning, properly managing finances, he cuts the grass well, he is good at math, so he can help our future children with their math homework, etc..lol
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I've said it. :rofl:
I've told dh that while I thought he was cute, I knew he was a keeper when he voluntarily fixed my car.
Looks just get you in the door, they've never held anything together. Still, it's very human to want to be desired.
 
Evolving78 said:
A lot of men don’t marry for looks or attractiveness. They just don’t go around saying it. Marriage isn’t about looks though. I believe men marry based on certain attributes that will benefit them long term. Women marry for love, companionship, and stability. You don’t hear women saying I married my husband because he is good at fixing cars, or he is good with cooking, cleaning, properly managing finances, he cuts the grass well, he is good at math, so he can help our future children with their math homework, etc..lol
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Men sure don't marry for looks all the time, and women almost never marry for looks. It's funny though that women complain about men being shallow on one hand, and then complain when a man commits to a woman because of character traits and not looks :spinning: . Women will straight up say that their husband is an ugg, but they grew on them, were a hard worker, is a good provider, etc, and no one bats an eye. As they shouldn't! But people can't help trying to take a chick down a notch by saying that she was picked for something besides her looks :rolleyes: .

It's funny because I've met women who've been successfully married for decades say stuff like the bold. I've met 2 white women in their 50s, both married for 30-ish years, who loved to brag that they married their husbands because they could cook :laugh: . One was my mentor teacher. Her husband was retired and packed her lunch everyday. The only guy that I've dated that I've considered husband material had husbandable qualities. I knew that he would be a dedicated and actively involved father, he was way better at money than me, and he was very handy. Jump 10+ years later, all of those things ended up being true. I think that women who are pragmatic about who they hitch their cart to end up much happier in the long run than those who marry cause a dude makes them feel warm and fuzzy.
 
ckisland said:
Men sure don't marry for looks all the time, and women almost never marry for looks. It's funny though that women complain about men being shallow on one hand, and then complain when a man commits to a woman because of character traits and not looks :spinning: . Women will straight up say that their husband is an ugg, but they grew on them, were a hard worker, is a good provider, etc, and no one bats an eye. As they shouldn't! But people can't help trying to take a chick down a notch by saying that she was picked for something besides her looks :rolleyes: .

It's funny because I've met women who've been successfully married for decades say stuff like the bold. I've met 2 white women in their 50s, both married for 30-ish years, who loved to brag that they married their husbands because they could cook :laugh: . One was my mentor teacher. Her husband was retired and packed her lunch everyday. The only guy that I've dated that I've considered husband material had husbandable qualities. I knew that he would be a dedicated and actively involved father, he was way better at money than me, and he was very handy. Jump 10+ years later, all of those things ended up being true. I think that women who are pragmatic about who they hitch their cart to end up much happier in the long run than those who marry cause a dude makes them feel warm and fuzzy.
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I agree!
 
If a man is an ugg with a poor personality then no he can't get an attractive woman (unless he is wealthy i.e Harvey Weinstein and those truly wealthy men are not in the majority) even though that is what he may want because men are biologically wired to be visual creatures. Women who may not be as attractive will cut their losses and be at peace with marrying a man who is an ugg because for some women marriage gives them a status that the society doesn't even if a man isn't a great provider or protector.

As for my cousin, he said it openly and always recounts the story that he didn't find his wife attractive but grew to focus on the other assets and facets she brought to the table. It's not about her dress style or hair. She just has a plain face and a lazy eye.

Attractiveness is a combination of factors, does someone like your shape? Do they like the smell of your natural sweat? Do they still find you attractive in the morning without squinting one eye or holding their breath from your mouth?. It's not necessarily are you the hottest chick in the room.

I don't think the issue for many women is that they can't get a man, because men are all over, the issue is what that woman is willing to settle for?. And it's okay if you don't want to settle for an ugg unless he has some real things to bring to the table and not weigh you down with his financial burdens etc. Being an unattractive man doesn't make a man a kind person.

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
cocosweet said:
So he married a Buick when he wanted a Lexus. :( I can't imagine ever feeling secure if I'm in a relationship where the man doesn't find me attractive, however good he may be in other ways.
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Esp. with the "mood swings" OP alluded too. Since the church had to browbeat him into this match, he clearly wasn't happy initially with his choice.

almond eyes said:
As for my cousin, he said it openly and always recounts the story that he didn't find his wife attractive but grew to focus on the other assets and facets she brought to the table. It's not about her dress style or hair. She just has a plain face and a lazy eye.
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He could as least lie and say that she's attractive to him. Explicitly stating that is so disrespectful. Does he ever say that he loves her? Do they have kids? (Yes, I'm all up in da business)
 
Ok, so I watched the video (she's defining single as six months to a year! Ohhhh chile :lachen:). Her reasons for being single are as follows;

5. You're not ready: She's busy processing her issues. (I liked her hair in the poolside pic, it had dimension and the color contrast was good. And as @cocosweet, stated, someone needs to fly her to them stat! :laugh:. She spent quite a bit of time on that and I don't know why that's so important, definitely seems pick-me-ish no matter what she says, but still, she wants to be chose and be a "thankful guest".)
4. Not being socialized to view yourself as a potential partner: @MissNina, this is the roundabout way where she explains about how she internalized these rejections earlier in her life. However, she says that she never had the opportunity to compartmentalize because she never experienced the right social situation (i.e. acceptance as a potential partner). She didn't address how she's going to combat this.
3. Not in the right social scene: Apparently, she grew up and lived in the South primarily, (only lived in LA for a few years), so to the people who say that she needs to move down South, that ain't the answer. She's currently looking for the right social group. [I think that this is where I'm experiencing my downfall. My island is too small!]
2. Romantic relationships don't happen easily for you: Basically discussing the woman who "gat it like that". She contends that this is true, but I believe that this is linked to #3. If she had a better social group, she'd have people interested (or in the DMs).
1. It's not your time: A good amount of zodiac/numerology stuff here, this not being your season, yada, yada, yada. Pretty much, the 'hang in there'.
Bonus1: Running into untenable situations: Some things you can't control, (e.g. bad timing for a relationship, etc.). Recommendation, to walk away before you really get hurt.

Solid video, a lil longer in some places where it didn't need to be but I appreciated that it wasn't the same "too picky" "high standards" generic take.
 
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