Ask A Guy: Why Do I Attract The Guys I Don’t Like And Not The Ones I Do?

[bklynbornNbred]

My challenge is for you to push yourself. That loud inner voice that told you to fall back cause Extrovert Ellen was there needs to be quiet. Stars don't dull themselves because another is in the area. They bounce off each other and shine brighter for anyone that looks. Pulling into yourself is a defensive move. Being loud doesn't mean she's flyer than you. Nor does it mean that everyone in the room is interested in her. Do you and let the prey decide which treat they want don't just give up as if you're brussel sprouts.

You're playing offense and your goal is to score.

I don't know if you're old enough to have watched Ally McNeal but I think it was Season 2 when Ally's therapist had her pick a theme song. You play it in your head when you need pumping up. Pick whatever song has you feeling yourself. When doubt starts to creep in play your song then be the you that we know is there.

I know you only used Beyonce as an example. My point was you were not carrying a sign that said "I'm channeling Bey" so as far as everyone else knew you were just being you. And they liked her. Embrace your confidence prize.

 

[hopeful]

Great idea re using a song to inspire you. Beyoncé has lots of songs to inspire you, like Flawless. Crystal YOU are flawless dear.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

My challenge is for you to push yourself. That loud inner voice that told you to fall back cause Extrovert Ellen was there needs to be quiet. Stars don't dull themselves because another is in the area. They bounce off each other and shine brighter for anyone that looks. Pulling into yourself is a defensive move. Being loud doesn't mean she's flyer than you. Nor does it mean that everyone in the room is interested in her. Do you and let the prey decide which treat they want don't just give up as if you're brussel sprouts.

This line right here gave me a little chuckle lol. You're so right!

I undertand what you mean, but I guess my thing is...it's not that I even WANT to compete with more extroverted people, it's that I don't really feel the need. It's not me. I don't feel like I have to go out of my way to try to shout over people who obviously LOVE being in the spotlight. I don't have to be in the spotlight I guess is what I'm saying lol. I don't even like a lot of attention on me. Some people deep down really CRAVE that, and I'm just not really that way.

I WILL definitely work on not shrinking back however if I do feel like I want to say something or add my own input. But as a whole I definitely like to sit back, watch, observe, etc. When I'm with my girlfriends I just naturally become more outspoken, wild, silly, funny because I know them more, so I feel like I can be more myself with them. Not that I can't be myself with others I don't know well, but more so I don't know if they can "handle" me lol lol

I don't know if you're old enough to have watched Ally McNeal but I think it was Season 2 when Ally's therapist had her pick a theme song. You play it in your head when you need pumping up. Pick whatever song has you feeling yourself. When doubt starts to creep in play your song then be the you that we know is there.

I've never watched Ally McBeal, although I do remember the show. But this is a really good tip thanks! I love it! I'm going to try that and see if it makes a difference. I'll even try it in situations when I feel like "staying in the background" and I'll see if it forces me to be more motivated to speak out or not let "Extroverted Ellen" get all the shine lol

Like I said, this is just an experiment to see if this guy's "theory" works haha lol

We'll see....

I know you only used Beyonce as an example. My point was you were not carrying a sign that said "I'm channeling Bey" so as far as everyone else knew you were just being you. And they liked her. Embrace your confidence prize.

That's true thanks girl! GREAT points!!

Yes you're right, Beyonce was just an example of who to channel. I can also use Britney Spears (before she went crazy...) because she was also a very confident extroverted type that was very care-free and did whatever she wanted.

But yes you're right! Those people weren't seeing "Beyonce", they were seeing me.

I'm going to keep on with this "experiment" and will see what other things I notice. I already feel happier and more "on top of the world" I guess you could say

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Great idea re using a song to inspire you. Beyoncé has lots of songs to inspire you, like Flawless. Crystal YOU are flawless dear.

Awww thanks @hopeful! You're so sweet.

Yes, Beyonce has SOOO many empowering songs. I'm going to listen again to "Flawless" and see if I want to use that for my theme song lol.

I have loved so many different "theme songs" over the years. One I really liked when I was going through a bad break-up years ago was Destiny's Child "Survivor" and Britney Spears' "Stronger". Both GREAT videos.










Even though I'm not really a fan, I even really like Taylor Swift's new song "Bad Blood". DEFINITELY a very empowering #girlpower song AND video! I really like the video!

 

[hopeful]

Introverted people can be very magnetic too, sometimes more so because of the mystery lol. Like you, groups tire me out. But I can take a room over when I want to. I just don't usually want to, and usually don't want the attention I attract. When you are deeply feminine, confident, and into who you are, that is magnetic.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Just a quick note...

Yesterday as I was driving home from work, I was just rocking out in my car to a song I love on the radio. I was having a blast minding my business lol While I was at the stoplight I then felt some eyes on me in the car next to me on my right. I turned and looked to my right and guess what...some older gentlemen (he had to be at least 45+) was just staring at me grinning from ear to ear! LOL!

I just smiled and laughed and gave him a thumbs up sign and he just kept on smiling and laughed.

Ladies, I don't know what is going on lol...but I've been having some weird experiences lately with this "experiment" lol It's like everyone (guys especially) are noticing me for the first time Or, maybe it's just that I'm actually paying more attention now. It could all be a coincidence...I guess I'll see eventually!

Introverted people can be very magnetic too, sometimes more so because of the mystery lol. Like you, groups tire me out. But I can take a room over when I want to. I just don't usually want to, and usually don't want the attention I attract. When you are deeply feminine, confident, and into who you are, that is magnetic.

Yes that is SO true lol

I know back when I was doing "The Rules" and was practicing being more "demure" and not saying TOO much around guys, I found that the guys actually ended up being more curious about me as opposed to some of my other girlfriends who were being overly flirtatious, talking a lot, or basically showering them with attention. I guess my "quietness" made them wonder what I was thinking.

 

[caribeandiva]

I agree with everything that's being shared so far. I'm an extrovert. Not an extreme extrovert though whatever that means. I'm comfortable being in the spotlight AND being out of it. I get energized by being around other people. Don't get me wrong, I need my alone time too. It's just different. I have the ability to put people at ease and have them relax and open up around me. I have no problem walking in to a boring party and turning it around. I'm not trying to brag. That's my personality.

I do usually get the guys I want because I expect them to want me. More often than not they come after me! Does that make me sound conceited? I walk around confidently with a smile on my face and expect people to be nice and friendly. They usually are. You get back what you put out there. #LOA

Here's my secret to being comfortable around strangers:
-Smile and have a open demeanor
-Focus on the other person: ask them questions about themselves, their job, families and their lives. People LOVE talking about themselves.
-don't interrupt and be positive
-repeat

Go get 'em @Crystalicequeen123 ! You can do it!

 

[almond eyes]

I agree with everything that's being shared so far. I'm an extrovert. Not an extreme extrovert though whatever that means. I'm comfortable being in the spotlight AND being out of it. I get energized by being around other people. Don't get me wrong, I need my alone time too. It's just different. I have the ability to put people at ease and have them relax and open up around me. I have no problem walking in to a boring party and turning it around. I'm not trying to brag. That's my personality.

I do usually get the guys I want because I expect them to want me. More often than not they come after me! Does that make me sound conceited? I walk around confidently with a smile on my face and expect people to be nice and friendly. They usually are. You get back what you put out there. #LOA

Here's my secret to being comfortable around strangers:
-Smile and have a open demeanor
-Focus on the other person: ask them questions about themselves, their job, families and their lives. People LOVE talking about themselves.
-don't interrupt and be positive
-repeat

Go get 'em @Crystalicequeen123 ! You can do it!

Yes to the post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOA indeed!!!!!!

Best,
Almond Eyes

 

[HappyMadison]

It took me a while to gain confidence. I have gotten almost every crush I had. That is not a good thing sometimes. I have had a few that have beaten down my self esteem. But it has gotten me to this point, so I am grateful for the experience.

I am extremely introverted, but I be wildin' in my head. I am amazing in my head. I have a theme song, Drake's Used To:
Lord tell 'em *****es I ain't got no times to play games with 'em
I ain't got no time
Tell her that I love her and I hate her in the same sentence
I'm ****in' her mind
I got, mind control over Deebo
Parmesan my panino

I have to be confident to Bogart a crowd and get the shots I want. And it's tried and true for me because I start from the back of the room to end up front and center, especially if I am shooting more than one act and have to be somewhere in a short amount of time. I love to hear people say, "make way" with my phallic looking mic attached to my camera like, "the m*fing Queen is here!!!" lol and my friends holding on to me. And networking has helped my confidence alot, because I am the brand and I have to sell myself and my brand is approachable exclusivity. And they ask me what I do it for. And I reply, "for love, lol." I get accommodations like, " shiddd. She is serious. " I don't get alot of hurt feelings when I say I am not interested, because I am very respectful and they can acknowledge we are not on the same level emotionally. On the flip, I get some of them who say I deserve more. At first i am defiant, " don't tell me what I want," followed by resignation, "well, hell! I do... " They are saying they are more about playing games, believe them.

Sometimes mean strut down 6th with no where to go particularly and see where the night leads me. I command and own, but when it gets personal conversations, I don't say much. It is because the crazy in me is trying to acknowledge the crazy in you lol. So several do not make it passed the First couple of encounters, but I promise i am not being stuck up. I am a participant in my head. My friends call me, "Posh Spice, " lol. With Men, my mantra is simply, "I am not here for public consumption..." If I want you, you will not know it lol. I will not give you the bragging rights. If you want me, put in work. If it is meant, so be it. Too many women out here tripping over dack. What that look like lol?

Does it work, not always, but I am pretty satisfied with myself, that is what counts

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I have no problem walking in to a boring party and turning it around. I'm not trying to brag. That's my personality.

I do usually get the guys I want because I expect them to want me. More often than not they come after me! Does that make me sound conceited? I walk around confidently with a smile on my face and expect people to be nice and friendly. They usually are. You get back what you put out there. #LOA

Here's my secret to being comfortable around strangers:
-Smile and have a open demeanor
-Focus on the other person: ask them questions about themselves, their job, families and their lives. People LOVE talking about themselves.
-don't interrupt and be positive
-repeat

Go get 'em @Crystalicequeen123 ! You can do it!

@caribeandiva














HEYYYYYY girl, you go!!! PREACH IT!!

Wow...I love your confidence!!! I can't say I'm an "extrovert", but I do like to "liven things up" a little when I walk into the room. I just don't think I've reached the point yet of assuming that EVERYONE will like me, or that EVERY guy will be falling down on his knees for me lol How do you get to that point??


I figure that like most things in life, either people will like you, or they won't, and it doesn't matter too much whether they do or not...just do you. I guess that's always been my motto.

But maybe I need to start taking a page out of you ladies' books and just start strutting around like ALL guys want me lol












I've already started noticing a little bit of a difference thus far, and I DO feel more confident this week in an effortless way .... I may have to really seriously try to implement this LOA thing out. Hmmm........

 

[summertimewine]

It makes me smile to see you excited for your challenge. The results seem to speak for themselves.
I use to consider myself introverted but I was actually extroverted with little knowledge of how to talk to people I wanted social interaction but the awkwardness and embarrassment factor kept me far away.
One day I had enough. I took it in small steps. I stopped looking at my feet while I walked anywhere, head held high. Then I smiled and greeted people I passed. Began a morning mantra "I love myself most after my lord. I gotta live with myself so I might as well work it"
After a while I wasn't thinking about any of that, it just was me. Men use to tell me to smile all the time. Now I understand my smile and positive demeanor can get men to do damn near anything lol!
I also think confidence keeps away the crazies!!! But that might be another thread

Good luck sister @Crystalicequeen123

 

[caribeandiva]

I figure that like most things in life, either people will like you, or they won't, and it doesn't matter too much whether they do or not... Just do you

That right there is the basis of all confidence. What got me to that point? Learning to love and accept myself just the way I am. Once I did that it was easier for me to accept others and not judge them so harshly. It really does all start with you.

How do you get to the point when you expect men to fall at your feet? Honestly I didn't until 3 years ago. My bff at the time pointed out to me how no matter where I am men are just drawn to me, how they're usually checking me out, asking me out (but I don't take them seriously), heck one guy actually chased me and her down in the parking lot of a casino to ask me to hang out. I'm oblivious to all of this!! Call me naive but I thought that was normal. Don't every woman go through this? She was like: "no we don't. This isn't normal!! You really don't get it. Do you?"

I think men are drawn to me because I'm a very happy person. I always have a smile on my face and an upbeat attitude. When people talk to me I focus on them. I look them in the eyes and I listen to all they have to say about their lives. I try not to judge them. It's amazing the stuff they tell me!

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

It makes me smile to see you excited for your challenge. The results seem to speak for themselves.

I use to consider myself introverted but I was actually extroverted with little knowledge of how to talk to people I wanted social interaction but the awkwardness and embarrassment factor kept me far away.
One day I had enough. I took it in small steps. I stopped looking at my feet while I walked anywhere, head held high. Then I smiled and greeted people I passed. Began a morning mantra "I love myself most after my lord. I gotta live with myself so I might as well work it"
After a while I wasn't thinking about any of that, it just was me. Men use to tell me to smile all the time. Now I understand my smile and positive demeanor can get men to do damn near anything lol!
I also think confidence keeps away the crazies!!! But that might be another thread

Good luck sister @Crystalicequeen123

Awww thanks @frogkisses for the encouragement! I enjoyed reading your experience so much. Like you, I have had to work on giving people direct eye contact when speaking with them, because (as I mentioned already in this thread) I was really quite shy growing up. Over the years I've struggled with it, but now I'm getting much better.

I'm going to have to take your mantra into consideration and will try that as well. I know motivational speaker Louise Hay has ALWAYS stated that if people were to just do one simple thing every single day, which is look into a mirror and say : "I love you _____. I REALLY really love you" , she said that very thing would transform the lives of so many people. It's so simple, but she says that many people really don't truly love themselves enough.

I have to admit, since doing this "experiment" I feel SO much happier!! Not that I was feeling bad/down before, but I just have more of a vibrancy...a "joie de vivre" I guess you could say that emenates from me now. Even problems, issues, embarrassing moments etc, aren't big deals anymore. I just shrug them off, laugh them off, or tell myself that everything will be just fine, and I'm SO much more calmer.

Btw, what do you mean by confidence keeps away the crazies...

That right there is the basis of all confidence. What got me to that point? Learning to love and accept myself just the way I am. Once I did that it was easier for me to accept others and not judge them so harshly. It really does all start with you.

How do you get to the point when you expect men to fall at your feet? Honestly I didn't until 3 years ago. My bff at the time pointed out to me how no matter where I am men are just drawn to me, how they're usually checking me out, asking me out (but I don't take them seriously), heck one guy actually chased me and her down in the parking lot of a casino to ask me to hang out. I'm oblivious to all of this!! Call me naive but I thought that was normal. Don't every woman go through this? She was like: "no we don't. This isn't normal!! You really don't get it. Do you?"

I think men are drawn to me because I'm a very happy person. I always have a smile on my face and an upbeat attitude. When people talk to me I focus on them. I look them in the eyes and I listen to all they have to say about their lives. I try not to judge them. It's amazing the stuff they tell me!

Girl, you are so right!!!

I'm finding that now that I don't judge myself so harshly, not only is it easier for me to accept myself, and shrug off my minor faults/imperfections, but I also don't judge others as harshly either. If someone offends me, or does something I don't like, I now don't take it as personally. I try to realize that it's THEM....not me. Most people do things because of THEMSELVES (whatever that may be), and sometimes it has nothing to do with you.

I'm here cracking up at the experience with your friend at the casino. OMG....girl, no that does NOT happen often! But guys must sense something in you that attracts them like moth to a flame! I'm slowly but surely perfecting that myself.


UPDATE!:

I went to a wedding on Saturday night with some friends. At first I was feeling kind of "on guard" when I first arrived at the reception because there were like 200 people already there, and as you know, I tend to be more "shy" in large crowds when I don't know too many people there. (I'm just being honest lol!) Well, I told myself to shake off the insecurity, just relax, and have fun.

Well, I found some other friends that I knew and sat with, so it wasn't a total bust lol. We chatted and had fun catching up.

I swear, sometimes people (especially friends) don't know how to act when you start "feeling yourself" more lol It's like they start feeling threatened or something. One of my friends (who was also a bridesmaid at the wedding) saw my black small party purse, and she was like: "Wow...what do you have in there? A stick of gum???" I guess she was remarking at how small it was. She was like: "it's so TINY! I'm like, what on earth are you able to put in there??" (kind of snarky-like) I just replied with a smile on my face like she was dumb and said: "It's a party purse!!!" She then mimicked me ("It's a party purse!"-----I could tell she was being snarky for some reason) and I just shrugged it off. I then opened it and showed her that I was actually able to get my whole purse makeup kit in there, as well as my credit card. I then said: "See! I LOVE party purses. I don't have to carry my whole heavy purse into a party. I just take the essentials. I LOVE them!"

She then had to shut up a little lol. I think the OLD me would have shrunk back, felt embarrassed, or felt bad. But not the NEW me! Oh no..... Now, because I am believing more in myself, I'm stick to what I like and my opinions. I don't care what others think lol. Not that I really did in the past, but I'm noticing with this new "persona" I'm not afraid to stand for what I believe, and I don't care if other people have varying opinions. It's not going to shake me as a person.

So, later on in the night the DJ starts playing music, and I'm sorry...but I LOOOVE to dance, so I just got up and started dancing! I danced the night away! I even participated in the soul train line! I become a totally different person when I start to dance lol. I could tell that the friend (bridesmaid) was shocked that I could cut up as much as I did lol! But because I had already shown her (earlier) that I'm confident and not afraid of what anyone says, guess what?? She didn't say anything snarky while I was dancing. We just had a blast on the floor.

In the past, I've noticed that SOMETIMES when women sense that you're not "sure" of yourself, they'll tend to pick on you (is it just me?? not sure if it's just me who's had that experience before or what... ), but when you SHOW people that you are confident, secure with yourself, you love yourself, and you're not afraid to be silly, act funny, or like different "weird" things, people can't help but like you and have more respect for you....even if they're not particularly into the same things you're into. Don't be a sellout!

Ladies, I'm learning SO much in just this past week! I'm surprised I didn't do this before! I think I may have done this in the past, but just for a day or something, but never really followed through on it. I just assumed that my self-esteem was already high and in tact. But, I think sometimes just living life in general and getting negative messages from the media/family/friends/whoever can eventually wear on our self esteem even if we at once had very high self esteem. I would recommend this "exercise/experiment" to ANYONE.

 

[caribeandiva]

In the past, I've noticed that SOMETIMES when women sense that you're not "sure" of yourself, they'll tend to pick on you (is it just me?? not sure if it's just me who's had that experience before or what...

It's not just you. People KNOW who to pick on. They'll test you at first to see if you'll stand up to them. Btw, that bridesmaid picking on you and then mimicking you pissed me off! It's happened to me before and the person called me sensitive when I got mad. And I believed them! Like you, I had to learn to stand up for myself. It doesn't come naturally because my first instinct is to avoid conflict.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Introverted people can be very magnetic too, sometimes more so because of the mystery lol. Like you, groups tire me out. But I can take a room over when I want to. I just don't usually want to, and usually don't want the attention I attract. When you are deeply feminine, confident, and into who you are, that is magnetic.

This is very true.

I have a lot of vices but one of my virtues is that I think I'm fairly charismatic or something like it. Of all character traits my magenetic qualities are what I value the most and feel the most grateful.

My introversion can get out of hand and border on reclusive at times. I also have social anxiety even though I'm not really shy and have no reason to be worried. If I didn't have such a colorful personality I would be in a world of trouble. My social skills would be the worst. I'd have NO friends because all my hobbies are solitary and indoors. I would probably be working on my first boyfriend right about about now too because dating is hard to do if you never want to leave the house. Lol

Thank goodness I'm good at utlizing and maximizing the little time I spend socializing with others. The time I spend outside of my introverted shell is almost always positive, productive and pleasant. Even if its a small thing like running to the pharmacy or picking up carryout. I generally know how to make that hour or single outing count. I like people and they like me. I just can't do that ish everyday

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

It's not just you. People KNOW who to pick on. They'll test you at first to see if you'll stand up to them. Btw, that bridesmaid picking on you and then mimicking you pissed me off! It's happened to me before and the person called me sensitive when I got mad. And I believed them! Like you, I had to learn to stand up for myself. It doesn't come naturally because my first instinct is to avoid conflict.

YES!!! ^^This is so true! I've noticed this in my highschool life, and in my adult life. It's almost as though people want to try to "test" you and see if you will take any of their crap lol. It's good to kindly put people in their place in a classy way every once in a while and show them that you believe in yourself and will NOT be shaken.

And yes, like you, in the past I used to try to avoid conflict, or just laugh off snide remarks that people would say at my expense to me when they weren't really funny But now days?? Naah.... I either kindly and playfully put them right back in their place, or I just don't laugh if I don't feel like the joke was all that funny .

Oh, and re: the Bridesmaid incident....
ANOTHER thing I've started noticing in my ADULT years is that when you're a BLACK woman and you're feeling confident, happy, care-free, happy-go-lucky, sure of yourself, friendly (ie. NOT angry), personable with others, and positive, it's almost like SOME (not all!) "others" (especially those of the "clear persuasion" ) don't know how to take it! They can't handle it! It's almost like they're wondering....why does SHE have the right to be so HAPPY and confident and sure of herself?? "She's....BLACK!!" Like, how dare YOU (a black woman) be happy and carefree, and feel entitled to a good life?? How dare you! SOME of them (again, not all!) may not be used to black women who are confident, educated, cultured, optimistic NICE and friendly (because see....we're all supposed to be angry and have a chip on our shoulders right.....that's how society views us ), ykwim? Idk...is it just me who's noticed this or is it just my imagination lol?

So this isn't the first time I've been my normal, usual, happy-go-lucky self, and one of them (others) and sometimes sadly even some of our own (fellow bw) try to knock me off my pedastal or try to "shake me up" and put me down subtly. It's usually ONLY women who do this nonsense too. But I'm so glad that I didn't let the snarky little comment knock me. In fact, now that I think about it, she tried again to subtly make me feel "less than" that night now that I recall....

I had mentioned a while back how I REALLY love weddings (I really honestly do! ), and at the wedding last Saturday (a while after the "party purse" comment) while we were both in line getting cake, she says to me:

Bridesmaid: "So tell me, why do you like weddings so much again?"
Me: *gushing* "oh I don't know, I just LOVE weddings...I like seeing two people come together in matrimony, I love the decorations, the whole ceremony"
Bridesmaid: "Oh....hmmm....that's so strange to hear from someone who's single" (she's married btw)
Another girl standing nearby: "Oh I know! I hate weddings..." (she's single as well)
Me: "Oh....well, I like weddings regardless of my single status. They're so much fun!"


Again....very interesting huh??? Grrrr............. The comment took me back because I was never even thinking to myself that weddings should be horrible just because I'm single. I've NEVER had that viewpoint, so for her to point that out was kind of weird.

But again, I didn't let it phase me. Her issues, not mine.

This is very true.

I have a lot of vices but one of my virtues is that I think I'm fairly charismatic or something like it. Of all character traits my magenetic qualities are what I value the most and feel the most grateful.

My introversion can get out of hand and border on reclusive at times. I also have social anxiety even though I'm not really shy and have no reason to be worried. If I didn't have such a colorful personality I would be in a world of trouble. My social skills would be the worst. I'd have NO friends because all my hobbies are solitary and indoors. I would probably be working on my first boyfriend right about about now too because dating is hard to do if you never want to leave the house. Lol

Thank goodness I'm good at utlizing and maximizing the little time I spend socializing with others. The time I spend outside of my introverted shell is almost always positive, productive and pleasant. Even if its a small thing like running to the pharmacy or picking up carryout. I generally know how to make that hour or single outing count. I like people and they like me. I just can't do that ish everyday

Yes, I think I'm the same exact way! I may be slightly introverted (I actually think I'm somewhat of a hybrid), but when I "turn on" the charm, I can be VERY magnetic and charismatic. Even people (strangers even) have told me when they first meet me that I'm very "warm", "great smile" and have such a nice personality it was like they were drawn to me when they first met me. I can't even begin to tell you all the people who have told me after only meeting me for 5 minutes that I have such a "great energy". I'm talking about cashiers okay? That all depends on how I'm feeling that day of course lol!

That's why I'm working so hard to portray this persona ALL the time instead of just during off chances or on random days here and there. Since I've been doing this social experiment, I find that I feel more "at home" in the world, and more "connected". Just yesterday I was at the gym in the lockeroom and saw a lady there. The "OLD me" would have just ignored her and continued to put my stuff in my locker so I can get on the workout floor. (I"ve been told I can be in my own world sometimes lol ) But no.....I looked her in the eye, acknowleged her, smiled and said: "hi how are you doing?"

She smiled and responded back. Then she proceeded to tell me how this is only her 2nd time at the gym and how she's been paying for a membership for over 10 years but would never come lol. I told her congratulations and agreed that it's difficult even for me to come regularly. I told her that I hope she enjoys her workout and that it will get easier as she keeps coming.

Just a 5 minute conversation, but it felt really good!!

 

[almond eyes]

Thanks Crystalicequeen123 and Caribeandiva for your posts. I always find them so interesting and on point and honest.

I also try and avoid conflict with catty remarks and then when it gets too much or I get called sensitive I lose my top which means I come off as being too emotional. I have learnt to speak up for myself in a way that it not emotional like my feelings are so hurt or learn to ignore things that in the end aren't all that important.

I was at a family wedding recently and normally I would avoid the bouquet toss at all costs. And so this time I decided to do it and I felt happy and free not embarrassed. I felt that I wanted to go into that toss with good energy and if not then don't do it. And I wanted to just have fun and I wanted to step out on faith like whatever I put my mind on has the power of working out.

My sister and I were the only ones on the floor and it was like it's no biggie. And we were laughing and smiling not embarassed. I changed my shoes earlier because the heels were slipping so I wore my nice sandal flats and the female Pastor commented, "yeah even some people want it so badly that they are changing their shoes." Instead of pulling a face or getting upset, I just laughed with my sister and made a joke of it. My sister and I were on the floor for the longest time as they tried to get the other women up there. And again I felt no embarrassment. I was happy, I loved my dress and my style.

They called other women to get up on the floor for the toss and all of the women were so ashamed no one again came up. And in these weddings it is not just about catching the bouquet they also pray for us as well. Then all of a sudden the floor expanded and at least forty women were now trying their luck to catch the bouquet. And many of the women looked embarrassed and stood back.

Then all of a sudden, I caught the bouquet and I was so surprised.

When I went to the bathroom I heard a woman saying, oh they allowed her to catch it because they said it was her family member and she needed to be married.

The old me would have felt dejected. But the new me, I was like in my head and mind, thank you God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I caught the bouquet and no one is going to ruin it for me. I walked out of the bathroom feeling happy and confident. And when I got back to my table I wasn't looking to check on sour faces, I was just dancing and having a ball. My cousin's husband was like oh my goodness you made such an impression we've been watching you the whole evening, we need to set you up.

Best,
Almond Eyes

 

[LoveisYou]

Meh...at this point in my life, I seem to only want men who want me.

Blame it on getting older, it comes with a certain kind of swag, brush shoulders off.

 

[caribeandiva]

The old me would have felt dejected. But the new me, I was like in my head and mind, thank you God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I caught the bouquet and no one is going to ruin it for me. I walked out of the bathroom feeling happy and confident. And when I got back to my table I wasn't looking to check on sour faces, I was just dancing and having a ball.

Good for you!! I love your confidence! I love how you didn't let them get to you. People can be so catty sometimes. It's because they're jealous. Plain and simple. I believe true freedom comes when you stop giving a darn about what people think about you and choose to remain happy regardless. Nothing pisses them off more. Misery loves company.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Wow @almond eyes thank you so much for your post!!! I'm sitting here in amazement because I can't say with 100% surety that I would have had the guts to do what you did!!! WOW!!!

You go girl!

The way you got up on that dance floor and didn't mind reaching out for the bouquet even though it was just you and your sister is the definition of TRUE confidence!!

I'm SO glad you got up there and didn't feel any embarassment. Truth be told, I bet MOST of the single women there probably wanted to be up there with you, but felt too ashamed. I now see that when women feel ashamed, they either shrink back, or they try to make YOU feel bad because you feel no shame or embarassment. It's the only way they can justify their own feelings of insecurity.

That snarky remark made in the ladies room had me reeling..... What bad taste!

Anyway, I'm glad you didn't take those snide words to heart or allow it to get you down. Now days I'm starting to realize that people's comments and judgements of others say more about THEM than it does about the person they're talking about/to.

The old me would have felt dejected. But the new me, I was like in my head and mind, thank you God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I caught the bouquet and no one is going to ruin it for me. I walked out of the bathroom feeling happy and confident.

HAHAHA!!! I LOVE it!!

And when I got back to my table I wasn't looking to check on sour faces, I was just dancing and having a ball. My cousin's husband was like oh my goodness you made such an impression we've been watching you the whole evening, we need to set you up.

Seeeeee!!!! Who knows what may be coming your way soon girl!

I swear, there is something so magnetic about a woman that is HAPPY, sure of herself, not embarrassed to put herself out there and even be silly or make a fool out of herself all in the name of good fun and good cheer! I find too that when I'm just being myself, not worrying about what others think, not afraid to be my goofy, silly self, I attract more POSITIVE attention in general (forget the naysayers lol) than when I'm more to myself, feeling fearful, worrying about others and what they think.... Psht! Not anymore!

Good for you!! I love your confidence! I love how you didn't let them get to you. People can be so catty sometimes. It's because they're jealous. Plain and simple. I believe true freedom comes when you stop giving a darn about what people think about you and choose to remain happy regardless. Nothing pisses them off more. Misery loves company.

OMG yes this is so true @caribeandiva ! I want to copy and post this to my refrigerator door lol.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Meh...at this point in my life, I seem to only want men who want me.

Blame it on getting older, it comes with a certain kind of swag, brush shoulders off.

Girl who are you telling?? You and I are HERE: >.<

Ever since a bad breakup I had years ago where the guy was just lukewarm about me (at best ), I decided from then on that I only wanted to be with a guy who was TRULY 100% into me.

Now days, guys who aren't into me don't even turn my head or attract me anymore. Now days, even "hot and cold" guys who aren't putting forth much effort aren't even appealing to me anymore. If anything, they turn me OFF now lol. I can't be bothered with trying to "convince" a guy of my worth. If he hasn't realized it before, then too bad! It's HIS loss. NEXT!!!

My only gripe is, it would be NICE to be able to attract guys that I'm actually INTERESTED in for a change. I have always given guys who were interested in me a chance if they were decent...even when I wasn't that interested in them lol . But NOW, I'm working on finding a "mutual connection", because I've come to realize that guys don't usually "grow" on me if I'm feeling some kind of way about them from jump. If I'm neutral about you, then okay....an attraction can grow. But if I'm feeling like "ehhh..." or "meh"....or about a guy, it usually does NOT escalate to love, or let alone like.

I think truly loving myself and coming to the point where I radiate my TRUE self will in turn attract guys who are more my "speed" anyway. Gone are the days of hiding who I truly am or being afraid to show my true self. No wonder I was never able to attract guys who I was interested in. I wasn't being true to who I really was myself! HOw could I expect a guy that I feel would be a good match for me be interested if he's getting an "inhibited" and fearful version of me??


It's all starting to make sense to me now....

 

[bklynbornNbred]

 

[almond eyes]

Good for you!! I love your confidence! I love how you didn't let them get to you. People can be so catty sometimes. It's because they're jealous. Plain and simple. I believe true freedom comes when you stop giving a darn about what people think about you and choose to remain happy regardless. Nothing pisses them off more. Misery loves company.

Co signing "True freedom comes when you stop giving a darn about what people think about you and choose to remain happy regardless"

Best,
Almond Eyes

 

[PopLife]

I believe that if you are truly confident in yourself, it will exude from you whether you're the life of the party or the wall flower. I'm an extreme introvert, but have had no problem attracting guys including crushes.

My problem in the past was that I was the girl in the OP that lost interest after I got the guy, smh....


In spite of having dated a bunch of my crushes (married to my biggest crush).... looking back I would say that my best relationships were with the guys that were more infatuated with me.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Co signing "True freedom comes when you stop giving a darn about what people think about you and choose to remain happy regardless"

Best,
Almond Eyes

So TRUE!!!

I believe that if you are truly confident in yourself, it will exude from you whether you're the life of the party or the wall flower. I'm an extreme introvert, but have had no problem attracting guys including crushes.

My problem in the past was that I was the girl in the OP that lost interest after I got the guy, smh....


In spite of having dated a bunch of my crushes (married to my biggest crush).... looking back I would say that my best relationships were with the guys that were more infatuated with me.

So very true. I believe this also. I don't think a woman has to be a certain "type" in order to attract a man.

But if you feel like you are somehow hiding parts of yourself because of a FEAR of what people may think/say/do, then yes....it would be best to try to get more comfortable with yourself, be confident, and step out of your comfort zone a little. That's why I'm doing this experiment. I don't feel like I HAVE to be the "life of the party", but I at least want to feel comfortable expressing myself and BEING myself w/out fearing what others (strangers or those I don't know well mostly) will think about me.

So far it's been working pretty well!