He Lied About His Job...

[NYLegalNewbie]

So, about a month and a half ago or so, I went out with my friend, as well as a bunch of her friends, her boyfriend and a few of her boyfriend's friends. One of her boyfriend's friends was a pretty cute guy who was checking me out from the moment he got there. We chatted and he seemed nice. He asked me what I did and I told him (I'm an attorney at a large law firm in Manhattan), however, I didn't ask him what he did in return at that moment. We continued talking, and he mentioned something about working late, and I was like "What the heck do you do that makes you have to work so late?" And he responded, "Oh, I'm a security guard."

I'll admit, my interest level decreased quite a bit. Whenever I meet a guy who I know makes a lot less than me, a flood of questions goes through my head - I wonder if we'd really have much to talk about or much in common. I also wonder if both of us would be okay with the income disparity (i.e. would he feel emasculated). And, because I've found myself in this situation before, I wonder if I'll be looked to to foot the bill for everything.

We continued talking for a bit, and then I went off to talk to some of my other friends and my friend's friends. We spoke a few times the rest of the night, but not a whole ton. When I left, I made sure to say bye to him, but he didn't ask for my number. I would've given it to him if he would've asked - he was an attractive guy, nice and funny, so, why not?

So, the other day, I saw my friend and she was mentioning to me, "Oh, my boyfriend's friend really liked you A LOT. But, here's the crazy thing...I found out that he LIED to you about what he does. He's an attorney too!"

I was like "WTF!?!?!? WHY?"

Her: "I dunno...but my boyfriend says he does that to women sometimes."

What kind of sh*t is that????? Does he think he's somehow "testing" somebody by LYING about his job? Honestly, to me, it shows he's had some issues with women and his job in the past. But, seriously, negro, I ain't lookin' to nobody to be my gravy train...

 

[PatTodd]

I wouldn't appreciate that. I don't think it's cute or funny. In fact, it's manipulative. I guess he thinks that anyone who knows what he really does is a gold digger or something. He will lose out on a lot of great women with that attitude (I happen to be an attorney myself BTW). Next!

 

[Qualitee]

Maybe he wants a woman that makes less than him. He probably told you he was a security guard to throw you off.

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

Maybe he wants a woman that makes less than him. He probably told you he was a security guard to throw you off.

Nope. He did it to play mind games.

After this whole incident happened, my friend said that he's asked about me on a number of occasions. She kept him at bay by telling him she'd ask me about him because we hadn't been able to talk to or see each other in a few weeks, and she knew I wouldn't be cool with this lying bullsh*t.

 

[pookaloo83]

I wouldn't appreciate that. I don't think it's cute or funny. In fact, it's manipulative. I guess he thinks that anyone who knows what he really does is a gold digger or something. He will lose out on a lot of great women with that attitude (I happen to be an attorney myself BTW). Next!

That wouldn't make sense, He asks first what she did, then he mentions what he does for a living.. If he sees that the OP was an attorney there was no reason for him to lie. Now if she said she was a skripper then I could see why he would have said he does security. I don't know why he did that. That was just stupid and childish IMO

 

[Bachelorette]

Most likely to test your reaction to him being a "security guard"

Maybe Im nuts but I would be like "oh good one!" and laugh it off

 

[PatTodd]

^^^Like I said, he BLEW it. Who NEEDS that??? Next!!

 

[PatTodd]

That wouldn't make sense, He asks first what she did, then he mentions what he does for a living.. If he sees that the OP was an attorney there was no reason for him to lie. Now if she said she was a skripper then I could see why he would have said he does security. I don't know why he did that. That was just stupid and childish IMO

I reread the post after I replied, and I see your point. I would revise my point of view to say he wanted to see if she would still be interested once she found out he supposedly wasn't "on her level" career-wise...still an an immature attempt to play mind games.

Not exactly on topic, but I remember once a guy asked me what I did and when I told him I was in law schoolm,he told me to have a nice night and walked away.

 

[MizzBrown]

Most likely to test your reaction to him being a "security guard"

Maybe Im nuts but I would be like "oh good one!" and laugh it off

BASICALLY!

Classic test to see where your head is at.

Women do the same thing. He may have had issues in the past where women suddenly became MORE interested in him AFTER realizing he was an attorney and not just a security guard.

But it is funny that after he KNEW you were an attorney, he would still lie.

Had you said you worked at Hooters, I could understand him wanting to change his profession to see where your head is at but he KNEW you were an attorney. So why lie?

I'd figure he'd be elated to find someone on his level and in the same profession.

 

[~VicTorIAn~]

Why do some men do this BS? It doesn't just filter out gold diggers. It's eliminating women who may be equally successful. Women want to avoid gold diggers too!

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

Women do the same thing. He may have had issues in the past where women suddenly became MORE interested in him AFTER realizing he was an attorney and not just a security guard.

Right, and I can understand that.

What he's doing is laying an unfair trap and scaring off potentially great women. There are ways to figure out where a person's head is at without lying like that.

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

Why do some men do this BS? It doesn't just filter out gold diggers. It's eliminating women who may be equally successful. Women want to avoid gold diggers too!

THANK YOU!

Even BEFORE I started my legal career, I dealt with moochers.

In college, I always had a job and always had a bit of extra to do things to other college kids couldn't do (i.e. eat out and go out more, shop, etc). And on more than one occasion, I met guys who tried to get me to take care of stuff. Needless to say that ended quick as soon as I realized what was going on.

True, I do like for a guy to take care of things, I think it's great. However, I don't want him to do things because he feels he has to. I want him to do it because he really likes me and he enjoys doing it.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

This is a stupid man.

He knows that you're a friend of a friend and that his information would be confirmed and he still lied.

This testing by lying ish is not the business. If you want to know where somebody's head is at then you ask questions and get to know them. You'd think that would be a logical conclusion for someone who's job is to cross examine people, but I guess not.

 

[discobiscuits]

i would never tell men what i did for a living. i'd tell them something generic that my job could fall under.

i think what he did was fine i would not write him off for it. upwardly mobile black men have a tough time out there.

seriously, this is not so bad. better than the other way around, be a guard in the lobby of a law firm and lie about being an atty.

now, i don't condone lying but it was done in the bible and rewarded b/c of the intent and since his INTENT was not malicious, i say forgive him and get married and have some Esq. jrs.

LOL

 

[Bunny77]

upwardly mobile black men have a tough time out there.

Since when?

 

[coconow2007]

That was really immature of him to lie especially when he knew that you have a career and don't need him for financial support.

 

[Dragone]

He probably did it because he doesn't want any 'uppity' women who wouldn't date him because of his job.

Because a woman should be glad a fione man such as himself is interested, even if he makes 1/10th of her salary and has absolutely nothing in common in regards to educational/life experiences. Duh.

Be glad you figured it out early enough to KIM w/o a big headache.

 

[kismettt]

eh, considering the questions that ran through your head after hearing about the security guard thing, i guess it is kind of warranted?

if you have good conversation/are attracted to someone, does it matter to be like 'o no this will not work' before even going on a date? i dont think its a golddigger thing, especially if he knew you were an attorney first. basically its a 'is she attracted to me or attracted to the social status/regard/whatever that goes with being an attorney' (not saying thats the only reason to be attracted) but your reaction to him as an attorney vs. a security guard were significantly different (even if this was a mental thought process that you did not think you displayed through your actions). (which may have been why he didn't ask for your number)

but really, it doesn't matter in the long run does it since he didnt ask for your number & you do not want to date him because he lied.

 

[butterfly_wings]

Maybe he thought women would be more intrested in him if he told them his real job as they would assume he has money, maybe he was looking for a woman who would like him for him rather than his money and social status.

Which is what happend!! so I don't blame him

 

[babyleaf]

This is some real bull#@!t!!!!!

First off, you did not even ask his profession, he just up and volunteered the dumbs#$t.

Second, you did not counter with, So..what do you do?....that right there is a sign of "you are your profession."

Now, I also live in NYC and I find this extremely rude to directly ask someone there profession. Is it just me. I have been in some many instances here and everyone feels that this is completely kosher to just come out and say "what do you do?"...... wtf do you do? what yo mama do? why the hell are you asking me this?.......ugh!!!! I find it extremely offensive and rude.

Maybe I just can't completely adjust to NYC life, but I find that this question blatantly states " I am attempting to sum you up based on what your employment status is." That makes me sick. Damn, can we look at the person at all anymore? Does personality count for anything?

Now OP, I think you do not have to prove yourself to anyone and participating in this bull is beneath you.....you will find a real man....and when you do, I can almost guarantee he will not be asking you some s#@t about.."what do you do?"

We all want to be amoungst people (especially someone we will be life partners with) as being somewhat on the same wavelength. This is human nature. You were honest and open and that is all you need. He was not. Bump that!!!

When you find him,he will be interested in you no matter what you do and your compatability will be obvious that such direct, rude questions will be unnecessary.

 

[vevster]

Sigh...... these guys.. suck...

 

[Lady Esquire]

He couldv'e given you a generic answer rather than lie. Like for instance, if he is a criminal attorney, he could have said, "I'm in law enforcement."

Keeping it vague, in the beginning, for the sake of protecting oneself is not wrong. However, the straight-up lying, is a deal breaker and a turn off.

Also, NYLegalNewbie, did you actually tell him where you work? I know for some men, if you're more successful financially, they may feel emasculated as well. So lets say you work for Skadden, and he works for the county, then maybe that scared him off too. On the other hand, I ain't trying to come up with excuses for this fool. Who really knows?

Clearly he has issues with this area of his life. But if you hit it off, found him attractive, and had a host of internal questions when you thought he was a security guard, then maybe his issues are valid. And it was merely his tactics that were janky.

Also, I think he sounds like a confused brother, with no game, thinking he has game, but really just losing the game. Obviously, he was feeling you too, otherwise he would not have asked your friend about you later on. Poor boo done went to law school, and got edumacated, and along the way has lost himself, thinking he is some magic prize. With the mentality, "Imma make these chics work for all this right here!"

All in all, you probably dodged a bullet.

(P.S. I'm gonna go now, to get ready for church. And secretly, I want you two to fall in love, have 2.5 future chocolate counselors, and keep hope alive!)

 

[Raspberry]

(P.S. I'm gonna go now, to get ready for church. And secretly, I want you two to fall in love, have 2.5 future chocolate counselors, and keep hope alive!)

I know me too.. I want this to be like the movies where the guy messes up at first but she gives him another chance and he turns out to be clueless but sweet.

I dunno, a lot of men have misguided strategies when it comes to women - they tend not to get good advice from each other. It wouldn't hurt to see him again and see where his head his at, shoot.. call him on his foolishness and see what happens.

 

[Bunny77]

Maybe it's just me, but I absolutely care about what someone does for a living and that's absolutely one of the things that I will consider when I am deciding whom I would like to date.

With every man I've dated, I've known either before or by the end of the first date what he does for a living and he knows the same for me too.

I mean, don't we spend a large amount of our lives AT WORK? (or at school if you're a student)

So why should we act like it's a big taboo to discuss it with someone who might be a potential future partner?

 

[vevster]

I'm sorry but dating a security guard is a turn off for me too. I don't see any shame in OP being disappointed hearing that.

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

if you have good conversation/are attracted to someone, does it matter to be like 'o no this will not work' before even going on a date?

Just because those questions ran through my head doesn't mean I wouldn't have given the guy a shot. I explicitly stated in my post that I enjoyed talking with him and would've given him my number had he asked. But he didn't, so ultimately, his "test" did nothing to show him where my head really was at. And, sorry, if you were in my position and had experienced the things that I have, you would think about those questions too. I personally don't understand why people think it's so wrong to consider socioeconomic issues when dating when time and time again it has been shown that they DO matter in a relationship.

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

Maybe he thought women would be more intrested in him if he told them his real job as they would assume he has money, maybe he was looking for a woman who would like him for him rather than his money and social status.

Which is what happend!! so I don't blame him

No that is NOT what happened.

Again, I repeat, I WOULD have given this guy my number had he asked for it, but he didn't. I may have wondered if things would work out given our socioeonomic differences, but I was at least willing to give it a shot and hang out with him to get to know him better.

Please read the entirety of someone's post before you judge.

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

Clearly he has issues with this area of his life. But if you hit it off, found him attractive, and had a host of internal questions when you thought he was a security guard, then maybe his issues are valid. And it was merely his tactics that were janky.

I definitely see what you're saying.

As I noted before, I am a bit wary of dating a guy where there is a big income disparity because of a number of issues that can arise as a result of it.

*Edited for further clarification*

It's not always PC to be honest about these things, but I'd rather be honest about it than pretend it's not an issue like so many others do. If love is supposed to be enough, then explain to me the 50% divorce rate in this country and why money is one of the main reasons why people get divorced.

The truth of the matter is that I don't want someone to completely support me financially. I also do not want to be the main means of support for my family. I want someone with whom I can build a life with, who wants to achieve the same goals as me. I want to be in a position where, God forbid, if someone loses their job or can't work for someone reason, we'll be okay because we've been smart and can live with just one income. A lot of people don't think about the last thing that I just wrote, but I do because I've seen it happen to people.

So yeah, that being the case, of course it gives me pause when I meet a guy and I know almost instantly that I make at least double or triple what he makes. Is it enough for me to not give the guy a chance at all? No, because it depends on what else he has going on for him - you never know what else a person might have going on until you get to know them. If I am attracted to a person and I find him to be engaging and enjoy his company, I WILL go out with him at least a few times, no matter what because to do otherwise would be close minded.

 

[Bunny77]

I definitely see what you're saying.

As I noted before, I am a bit wary of dating a guy where there is a big income disparity because of a number of issues that can arise as a result of it.

*Edit*

It's not always PC to be honest about these things, but I'd rather be honest about it than pretend it's not an issue like so many others do. I've seen wayyy too many people have issues in their relationships to not think about it.

The truth of the matter is that I don't want someone to completely support me financially. I also do not want to be the main means of support for my family. I want someone with whom I can build a life with, who wants to achieve the same goals as me. I want to be in a position where, God forbid, if someone loses their job or can't work for someone reason, we'll be okay because we've been smart and can live with just one income. A lot of people don't think about the last thing that I just wrote, but I do because I've seen it happen to people.

If I'm wrong for having these considerations and desires, well then, I guess I'm just going to have to be wrong.

I agree with you 100%... no, I don't expect a man to support me completely, but as you said, I do expect him to be financially stable enough that I don't fall into a position where I have to be the main means of support for an entire family over the long term.

Also -- and I said this in a different thread -- I value higher education for higher education's sake. Although money is important, I do not mesh with someone simply because they make $XYZ salary. I am more likely to share the same ideals with a man who is educated, and often is from the same socioeconomic class as I am.

I take many factors into consideration when I'm looking at a potential mate. Like you, I might have considered a date with the security guard if he had asked for my number and had asked me out, but I also think that the chances of a successful relationship developing would have been slim because our respective careers suggest a vast difference in goals, dreams, socioeconomic values and yes, salaries.

Bump all this, "But you should just care about who a man is as a person, not where he works," mess. Part of who he is as a person is what he does, whether he went to school, etc... and it's not a matter of either/or. You can find good men of character across all socioeconomic lines, but I simply choose to have a good man who shares the values of my socioeconomic class and background.

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

I agree with you 100%... no, I don't expect a man to support me completely, but as you said, I do expect him to be financially stable enough that I don't fall into a position where I have to be the main means of support for an entire family over the long term.

Right.

I think that the burden of breadwinner is a tough burden to bear for ANYONE - male or female. I do not envy men for the fact that the weight has always been upon their shoulders to provide. And personally, I don't want my future man to have to deal with that alone. I want to contribute financially to my family.

That being said, for those out there who are traditionalists, no, I don't think it's wrong to have the man be the main provider, provided that's what both people want. All I'm saying is at least be prepared for whatever contingenices may arise for having that set up, especially in this current economic environment. Things are not like they were even 20 or 30 years ago, and they sure as HELL are not like they were 40 or 50 years ago, where people had more job security.