SweetNic_JA
Well-Known Member
Maybe he'd just finish watching Coming to America . ;D
He Lied About His Job...
- Thread starter NYLegalNewbie
- Start date
BroadstreetBully
New Member
Thankfully most men don't play childish minds games like this. If he's found himself attracting gold diggers, he's been looking in the wrong places for women. I guess he didn't 'test' them and as a result he needs to 'test' the women who came after them.
It's been said time and time again that women are attracted to money and security, and men are attracted to looks. Maybe I should start testing men by going out looking a mess and seeing what man will approach me and give me the time of day. I wonder how THAT experiment would work.
So yes, he's playing games and is full of it. I don't think it's a reason to write him off, but that would upset me.
And I hope most women aren't thinking 'Coming To America' scenarios are common. Hardly. I don't expect women to start looking past money until men start looking past looks--and that won't happen anytime soon.
It's been said time and time again that women are attracted to money and security, and men are attracted to looks. Maybe I should start testing men by going out looking a mess and seeing what man will approach me and give me the time of day. I wonder how THAT experiment would work.
So yes, he's playing games and is full of it. I don't think it's a reason to write him off, but that would upset me.
And I hope most women aren't thinking 'Coming To America' scenarios are common. Hardly. I don't expect women to start looking past money until men start looking past looks--and that won't happen anytime soon.
I wouldn't date a security guard if I *were* a security guard. Sorry.
BrickbyBrick
Well-Known Member
Hey OP,
Just curious. If he comes clean, fesses up and apologizes, will you give him a chance?
Wish you luck.
Just curious. If he comes clean, fesses up and apologizes, will you give him a chance?
Wish you luck.
adf23
Well-Known Member
My humble opinion:
if he were genuinely interested in OP, he would have told her the truth, ESP after finding out what her occupation is, even if his initial intent was to play with her before knowing she was a well to do professional herself.
The fact that he lied to her after finding out what she does for a living tells me he had no honest intentions toward OP, combined with not asking her for her number.
He's an uninterested jive turkey moonpie- no sense in wasting any more thoughts on him.
if he were genuinely interested in OP, he would have told her the truth, ESP after finding out what her occupation is, even if his initial intent was to play with her before knowing she was a well to do professional herself.
The fact that he lied to her after finding out what she does for a living tells me he had no honest intentions toward OP, combined with not asking her for her number.
He's an uninterested jive turkey moonpie- no sense in wasting any more thoughts on him.
MissJ
Well-Known Member
This was a very dumb idea if he's trying to weed out women by lowering his social status. I will be an attorney very soon, and I would take a guy's career into account when considering dating him. One, I know what type of lifestyle I'd like to live. I don't want to be struggling. Two, I don't know how much I can respect a man who makes significantly less than I do. Three, I know the level of intellect that is attractive to me. I'd be bored very quickly with a dumb-dumb. Not that working as a security guard means a person is dumb, but I think by a certain age, if the man has smarts and ambition, then he would be owning the security company instead of working for it.
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MissJ
Well-Known Member
see, i feel the OP on being pissed that he lied. i can lend all the excuses i want but it was not necessary for him to do that.
but if it were me, i would not care about that so much. i'd let it go but KIM just in case he really is a liar. basically i'd give him a pass on this one but ONLY this one.
after this thread i am supremely curious as to why he lied to her.
i'm not clear OP if he told you he was a security guard before or after he knew you were an atty? i did not see that as i skimmed the thread (RIF that is reading is fundamental meaning i may have overlooked it in an earlier post if you xplained that already) LOL
Why not care about it? Because he told that lie so easily, he will most likely lie about bigger and more important things.
butterfly_wings
New Member
I read your post thoroughly and the bolded points stood out to me, so I stand by my original post. I'm not judging however you posted this for people to comment on so I have.
I don't mean to cause any offence, if you liked him and thought he was attractive, nice and funny as you said why not give it a go?
I don't mean to cause any offence, if you liked him and thought he was attractive, nice and funny as you said why not give it a go?
blasianbeauty
New Member
I agree with you. Although I see both sides of the argument, the fact that she admitted that her interest decreased quite a bit was very telling, and the man picked up on it and wrote her off. I'd do the same thing too if I were him.
Also, I believe if he was truly interested and felt that they were compatible in some way then he would have made sure to giver her his number and ask for hers. Maybe he felt that she's compatible in a sense that they're both attorneys but was turned off by her attitude.
So...all was good with their mingling in the beginning but once she found out he was a security guard then her interest decreased "quite a bit", she went off talking to other people, and pretty much left him out in the cold.
Buttt....since it doesn't matter anyway then it's just best to move on.
honeybuni84
New Member
a Liar is still a Liar no matter what the reason behind it. End of our time together
He's immature, lies, & plays games. Not a good first impression.
My ex's mom went for premarital counseling right after she earned her master's degree. She was a high earner and had become accustomed to the finer things in life. Her pastor advised her against marrying her fiance. She told me that the pastor advised her that her partner would not be able to appreciate all of the work that she had put into building her life up to that point. There may have been other issues that the pastor noticed & she had to find someone that was not from her church to conduct the ceremony. Anyway, after a huge ceremony & reception & four short months after they were married, they ended up separating & it was for the reasons that the pastor mentioned.
I don't think it's just about a guy being a security guard. It could be about what were his goals/ambitions that led him to that point at a certain stage in his life. Is it something temporary or is it his career? If a guy has a problem with a woman being interested in finding a partner whose success matches her own, he can kick rocks.
My ex's mom went for premarital counseling right after she earned her master's degree. She was a high earner and had become accustomed to the finer things in life. Her pastor advised her against marrying her fiance. She told me that the pastor advised her that her partner would not be able to appreciate all of the work that she had put into building her life up to that point. There may have been other issues that the pastor noticed & she had to find someone that was not from her church to conduct the ceremony. Anyway, after a huge ceremony & reception & four short months after they were married, they ended up separating & it was for the reasons that the pastor mentioned.
I don't think it's just about a guy being a security guard. It could be about what were his goals/ambitions that led him to that point at a certain stage in his life. Is it something temporary or is it his career? If a guy has a problem with a woman being interested in finding a partner whose success matches her own, he can kick rocks.
Kurlee
Well-Known Member
he wanted to see where your head is at. You already said you were disappointed after you heard he was a security guard...... so it kinda workedBASICALLY!
Classic test to see where your head is at.
Women do the same thing. He may have had issues in the past where women suddenly became MORE interested in him AFTER realizing he was an attorney and not just a security guard.
But it is funny that after he KNEW you were an attorney, he would still lie.
Had you said you worked at Hooters, I could understand him wanting to change his profession to see where your head is at but he KNEW you were an attorney. So why lie?
I'd figure he'd be elated to find someone on his level and in the same profession.
vevster
Well-Known Member
What GO is there to give? The guy didn't pursue it. He didn't ask for her number-- case closed.
NYLegalNewbie
New Member
he wanted to see where your head is at. You already said you were disappointed after you heard he was a security guard...... so it kinda worked
The only thing that "worked" for him was that he successfully screwed up a chance to date a high achieving, attractive, kind, caring, fun (among other things) young woman who was willing to give him a chance and find out more about him even if he really was a security guard.
That's what happens to dumba$$es who think it's okay to lie to find out the truth. I mean, REALLY look at that sentence - it's okay to LIE to get to the TRUTH? Unless you're operating as an undercover cop, um...no (and hell, even then, your case might be thrown out for entrapment
)To all of those who wonder if I'd give him a chance if he came clean, I really don't know, but I'm leaning against it. I've met too many great guys who are fine with being honest with me about what they do. If he can marshall up his "lawyer" skills to make a good argument for himself, then maybe he has better than a snowball's chance in hell....
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NYLegalNewbie
New Member
Additional thoughts...
Yeah dude might want to know if a woman is really interested in getting to know him for him, but guess what? What you do is part of the background of who you are. It's not ALL that you are, but as many other posters here have agreed, our careers and future ambitions say a lot about us, whether we like it or not.
There has actually been one VERY positive thing that's come of this. It's made me really start to think again, more carefully, about what really IS attractive to me in a guy and what are my dealbreakers. And the really interesting thing that I've realized is that the typical "white collar" guy may not be the best type for me. In fact, when I think of the guys I get along best with, it's men who are well established in creative fields (no, not freakin' "record producers"...ugh, I'm sorry, but I can't stand those guys...), men who work in education and men who are entreprenurial. This is a great insight for me because I never even realized it.
So, maybe this dude's dumba$$ness was God's way of opening my eyes (aside from the fact that this particular dude was a jackass...).
Yeah dude might want to know if a woman is really interested in getting to know him for him, but guess what? What you do is part of the background of who you are. It's not ALL that you are, but as many other posters here have agreed, our careers and future ambitions say a lot about us, whether we like it or not.
There has actually been one VERY positive thing that's come of this. It's made me really start to think again, more carefully, about what really IS attractive to me in a guy and what are my dealbreakers. And the really interesting thing that I've realized is that the typical "white collar" guy may not be the best type for me. In fact, when I think of the guys I get along best with, it's men who are well established in creative fields (no, not freakin' "record producers"...ugh, I'm sorry, but I can't stand those guys...), men who work in education and men who are entreprenurial. This is a great insight for me because I never even realized it.
So, maybe this dude's dumba$$ness was God's way of opening my eyes (aside from the fact that this particular dude was a jackass...).
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tarheelgurl
Well-Known Member
He was probably trying to see if she were interested in him or his potential. Op Admits her interest decreased when he said he was a security officer. Maybe he has dealt with that in the past...women only being interested in his potential and not the man himself. I know a guy that's kind of geeky and no one looks his way, but once they find out he's a Major in the Army things change.
MissYocairis
Well-Known Member
MuseofTroy
Well-Known Member
RED FLAG. He's a guy who plays games and is clearly paranoid. Don't date him.
Wow... PatTodd doesn't play!!!
BroadstreetBully
New Member
Well career and money matters to me, and I don't settle, sorry. I consider myself important enough for a man to feel compelled to impress me with his credentials. I don't play games. There are too many men out there for that.
UmSumayyah
Well-Known Member
That's funny.
But yes, he told me after he knew I was an attorney. In fact, I think he may have even known that about me before we met because my friend tends to blab to her boyfriend's friends about me.
What's interesting is that, obviously, he wasn't put off by how I was acting that night after I "found out" he was a security guard. I still spoke to him here and there, but I had other friends at the party that I was catching up with, so it wasn't like I left as soon as he told me and just ignored him from that moment on...LOL! I also caught him starting at me and smiling througout the night on a number of occasions. I also made sure to say good bye to him before I left the party. Yet, he never asked for my number.
So, here it is, weeks later after the fact, and my friend tells me that when my name has come up in conversation when she's around him, a big a$$ smile comes across his face and he mentions that he really liked me. WTF? Seriously, the more I think about it, the less his behavior makes any damn sense...
And you know what? You don't need to expend any energy, mental or otherwise, trying to figure him out.
GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I
New Member
When we women have bad experiences with men and end up missing out on a great guy because we're too careful, that's accepted. But when a guy is being very careful about his life due to past negative experiences, that's not accepted. He's a careful kind not looking for gold diggers. I wish we women also could weed out the reverse gold diggers of sort in men.
He lied, maybe that's why he's not for OP. But being careful is not wrong. There's no relationship...she can now move on.
UmSumayyah
Well-Known Member
Don't even feel bad about it. This is the kind of guilt tripping mind game people put on black women ONLY. Non-black professional women do not go through these soul searching dilemmas when it comes to relationships. It's perfectly fine to want a man who is on equal footing or better, or a man who can provide for the family should you decide to have children and stay home, which I don't see a security guard being able to do while maintaining your standard of living. My non-black lawyers friends and acquaintances would have been highly offended by this man action if he did that to them and would have written his arse off without regret.
Just had to highlight this.
Just had to highlight this.
envybeauty
New Member
Ummmmmmmmmmm hmmmmmmmmm.
The man was an idiot. Plain and simple. What fool is going to lie to you about his job KNOWING that you are a friend of a friend (all at the same party)?
I'm also not surprised some would accept this idiot after he made such a foolish and dishonest statement. Plenty of women keep after a man who lies to them consistently and then they go running to their sistagurls talking about how they should have dropped him way back when. Hence creation of "relationship forum"
The man was an idiot. Plain and simple. What fool is going to lie to you about his job KNOWING that you are a friend of a friend (all at the same party)?
I'm also not surprised some would accept this idiot after he made such a foolish and dishonest statement. Plenty of women keep after a man who lies to them consistently and then they go running to their sistagurls talking about how they should have dropped him way back when. Hence creation of "relationship forum"
Bunny77
New Member
Ummmmmmmmmmm hmmmmmmmmm.
The man was an idiot. Plain and simple. What fool is going to lie to you about his job KNOWING that you are a friend of a friend (all at the same party)?
I'm also not surprised some would accept this idiot after he made such a foolish and dishonest statement. Plenty of women keep after a man who lies to them consistently and then they go running to their sistagurls talking about how they should have dropped him way back when. Hence creation of "relationship forum"
Okay now see... you need to quit with that!
But you right though...
Xerxes
Well-Known Member
Wow! I think the saddest part of this is that the main message that isn't getting discussed enough in this thread is that the brother just wasn't that into OP.
He knew about her through friends and was probably really interested in seeing her in person after hearing about her.
However, when he finally got to have a conversation with her, he felt the need to "test" her. There aren't too many certainties in life but this always holds true, when a man wants a woman, he goes after her hard. He does whatever he can to seem more attractive to her, usually this involves bragging about his occupation and his bank account.
This guy was most likely somewhat attracted to OP, but after getting a sense of her attitude, he decided not to go full throttle and play some BS game to see if she was as materialistic as she was coming across either through actions, dress, etc. And just the fact that he pulled this prank shows that he had no true interest in OP at that point, since you can never make a woman really forgive you for lying to her or playing mind games.
OP may be successful, intelligent and attractive in her opinion, but she has no idea what characteristics he values in a mate and that's all that matters in this case. As a general rule of thumb, when a woman declares her career or educational achievement as the first trait about her, then she probably carries that cockiness in her day-to-day speech as well and that's not really that attractive to most men. Men want a good-looking woman who will be a good wife, meaning she should be supportive, compassionate, caring, loving, humble and able to respect her man in actions and words. A high-achieving guy does not need someone who is acting as more of a competitor instead of a supporter to his life's goals.
I think that OP should consider how she comes across to men to prevent any of them finding her to be less than sincere or superficial. It seems like she liked this guy alot now that she knows his earning potential (at least enough to warrant time creating a whole thread about this dude).
And it hurts me a bit to think of how her face and body language must have changed when he said he was a security guard. People never think about their body language and that's what confirmed to him that she was definitely not worth his time. Did she look startled when he said security guard, did she look away from him, turn her body away, look down at her wine glass, did she let an uncomfortable silence grow, did her eyes get big, did her face read a big "all hell naw, you're a rent a cop" albeit subconsciously? The sad thing is that she must have done something earlier to cause him to feel like she deserved such a silly test. If he had truly liked OP, he never would have played a game and he would have made several attempts to get her number and email address.
The sum of a man's value is not tied to his career or bank account. I think we all can agree that a man's character is his most important trait. His ability to provide should be second or lower on the list of desired traits in a mate. The man must have been attractive, polite, intelligent-sounding, etc and that's why OP carried on a convo with him, but when he said he was a security guard (despite the fact that he was already no longer interested in her IMHO), she could have saved face by picking up on his attire and his vocabulary, she should have used deductive reasoning and determined if he really "seemed" like a regular ol' security officer. Something tells me he was dressed nicely (i.e. designer clothes, semi-expensive watch, top-notch blackberry), had a decent vocabulary and had conversation that gave evidence of his educational status. She should have asked him where he worked and how he came to know her (I'm assuming) high-achieving friends, where he went to school, what his plans were and never let her face show disappointment.
It's ok not to want to marry a broke man, but it's not right to think of/treat someone differently because of their chosen careers. The man may not be right for you because of his salary, but he is still a man and deserving of respect.
So as someone pointed out earlier, too many BW are sloppy "gold-diggers". All you have to do is ask yourself what does your ideal guy want in a wife and be that. If you answer that question seriously, you'll learn to change the way you present yourself to men. It's great if you're like me and have a wonderful career and the highest degree in the land, but you probably will be single in your 40s if you make each prospect address you by your full title.
Think about it, when a guy asks you to describe yourself, do you start with "I'm a lawyer. I work at F.U. & Lebowski on 5th. I went to Spelman, graduated with top honors. I went to Emory for my JD, etc". Most people don't want your resume on a date or at a casual setting. You are hopefully more than your job and so is that guy, so try to be more engaging, "Oh, let's see, I love to travel. In fact, I just got back from a weekend trip in Baja California, and then I went to LA to catch up with some friends from undergrad. I grew up in Decatur, GA and went to my mom's alma mater, Spelman. While there I volunteered for a woman's shelter and got interested in criminal law. The director at the center wrote this wonderful recommendation letter for my law school applications and through the grace of God and the deans at Emory, I now have my JD. I loved living in ATL, but I leapt at the chance to work a block away from the original Sak's Fifth and Macy's, so that's why I was floored when Lebowski called me up for an interview! Enough about me, tell me more about you!"
And from there you have given the same information about how fabulously smart and high-achieving you are, but it's a heck of a lot more interesting and compassionate sounding. It gives your life story texture and it invites a host of questions and opportunity for the guy to find similarities with you. This is the way I roll. I give a dose of compassionate stuff, then I talk about career goals I have met all the while articulating that I am a great all-the-way around potential wife and have a life outside of my job.
He's smiling because he remembers that you failed his lil' test and he probably knows that you want him now that you know his true career. His ego is stroked in more than one way.
He knew about her through friends and was probably really interested in seeing her in person after hearing about her.
However, when he finally got to have a conversation with her, he felt the need to "test" her. There aren't too many certainties in life but this always holds true, when a man wants a woman, he goes after her hard. He does whatever he can to seem more attractive to her, usually this involves bragging about his occupation and his bank account.
This guy was most likely somewhat attracted to OP, but after getting a sense of her attitude, he decided not to go full throttle and play some BS game to see if she was as materialistic as she was coming across either through actions, dress, etc. And just the fact that he pulled this prank shows that he had no true interest in OP at that point, since you can never make a woman really forgive you for lying to her or playing mind games.
OP may be successful, intelligent and attractive in her opinion, but she has no idea what characteristics he values in a mate and that's all that matters in this case. As a general rule of thumb, when a woman declares her career or educational achievement as the first trait about her, then she probably carries that cockiness in her day-to-day speech as well and that's not really that attractive to most men. Men want a good-looking woman who will be a good wife, meaning she should be supportive, compassionate, caring, loving, humble and able to respect her man in actions and words. A high-achieving guy does not need someone who is acting as more of a competitor instead of a supporter to his life's goals.
I think that OP should consider how she comes across to men to prevent any of them finding her to be less than sincere or superficial. It seems like she liked this guy alot now that she knows his earning potential (at least enough to warrant time creating a whole thread about this dude).
And it hurts me a bit to think of how her face and body language must have changed when he said he was a security guard. People never think about their body language and that's what confirmed to him that she was definitely not worth his time. Did she look startled when he said security guard, did she look away from him, turn her body away, look down at her wine glass, did she let an uncomfortable silence grow, did her eyes get big, did her face read a big "all hell naw, you're a rent a cop" albeit subconsciously? The sad thing is that she must have done something earlier to cause him to feel like she deserved such a silly test. If he had truly liked OP, he never would have played a game and he would have made several attempts to get her number and email address.
The sum of a man's value is not tied to his career or bank account. I think we all can agree that a man's character is his most important trait. His ability to provide should be second or lower on the list of desired traits in a mate. The man must have been attractive, polite, intelligent-sounding, etc and that's why OP carried on a convo with him, but when he said he was a security guard (despite the fact that he was already no longer interested in her IMHO), she could have saved face by picking up on his attire and his vocabulary, she should have used deductive reasoning and determined if he really "seemed" like a regular ol' security officer. Something tells me he was dressed nicely (i.e. designer clothes, semi-expensive watch, top-notch blackberry), had a decent vocabulary and had conversation that gave evidence of his educational status. She should have asked him where he worked and how he came to know her (I'm assuming) high-achieving friends, where he went to school, what his plans were and never let her face show disappointment.
It's ok not to want to marry a broke man, but it's not right to think of/treat someone differently because of their chosen careers. The man may not be right for you because of his salary, but he is still a man and deserving of respect.
So as someone pointed out earlier, too many BW are sloppy "gold-diggers". All you have to do is ask yourself what does your ideal guy want in a wife and be that. If you answer that question seriously, you'll learn to change the way you present yourself to men. It's great if you're like me and have a wonderful career and the highest degree in the land, but you probably will be single in your 40s if you make each prospect address you by your full title.
Think about it, when a guy asks you to describe yourself, do you start with "I'm a lawyer. I work at F.U. & Lebowski on 5th. I went to Spelman, graduated with top honors. I went to Emory for my JD, etc". Most people don't want your resume on a date or at a casual setting. You are hopefully more than your job and so is that guy, so try to be more engaging, "Oh, let's see, I love to travel. In fact, I just got back from a weekend trip in Baja California, and then I went to LA to catch up with some friends from undergrad. I grew up in Decatur, GA and went to my mom's alma mater, Spelman. While there I volunteered for a woman's shelter and got interested in criminal law. The director at the center wrote this wonderful recommendation letter for my law school applications and through the grace of God and the deans at Emory, I now have my JD. I loved living in ATL, but I leapt at the chance to work a block away from the original Sak's Fifth and Macy's, so that's why I was floored when Lebowski called me up for an interview! Enough about me, tell me more about you!"
And from there you have given the same information about how fabulously smart and high-achieving you are, but it's a heck of a lot more interesting and compassionate sounding. It gives your life story texture and it invites a host of questions and opportunity for the guy to find similarities with you. This is the way I roll. I give a dose of compassionate stuff, then I talk about career goals I have met all the while articulating that I am a great all-the-way around potential wife and have a life outside of my job.
But yes, he told me after he knew I was an attorney. In fact, I think he may have even known that about me before we met because my friend tends to blab to her boyfriend's friends about me.
....Yet, he never asked for my number.
So, here it is, weeks later after the fact , and my friend tells me that when my name has come up in conversation when she's around him, a big a$$ smile comes across his face and he mentions that he really liked me. WTF? Seriously, the more I think about it, the less his behavior makes any damn sense...
He's smiling because he remembers that you failed his lil' test and he probably knows that you want him now that you know his true career. His ego is stroked in more than one way.
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