He Lied About His Job...

[kismettt]

Just because those questions ran through my head doesn't mean I wouldn't have given the guy a shot. I explicitly stated in my post that I enjoyed talking with him and would've given him my number had he asked. But he didn't, so ultimately, his "test" did nothing to show him where my head really was at. And, sorry, if you were in my position and had experienced the things that I have, you would think about those questions too. I personally don't understand why people think it's so wrong to consider socioeconomic issues when dating when time and time again it has been shown that they DO matter in a relationship.

idk. my head would not even be there yet. i'd be like 'he is cute. i like him. he didnt ask for my number? o well" and leave it at that.


btw i have ALWAYS dated guys who come from less money then i have. i come from middle-class/upper middle class & they are usually lower/lower-middle class. and no, they have never looked at me like 'o you should pay. or i resent you because you can afford things i cant' but thats just my experience, which is why i do not understand your reaction at all.

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

*Deleted*

Bottomline is, either you get where I'm coming from or you don't.

Some of you claim to not care what a guy does. Fine, you do you. If you're happy as a clam, then I'm happy for you. But I, for one, do put emphasis on my financial future because it's a part of what makes ME happy and secure. So, yes, I will ask myself these questions when I encounter a guy who is a security guard, sanitation worker, or whatever. Doesn't mean I won't go out with him, just means these questions will be in my head.

But, overall though, the point is that this dude LIED about important information about himself and doing so was MANIPULATIVE. Security guard or not, that sh*t is not right.

If you want to know whether or not your social status matter to me, be a man and ASK me because I am woman enough to give you an honest answer.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

I think it was a test of character... but still poor in delivery.

He probably wanted to see if you would have slacked off in interest for him appearing not to be "on your (financial, socioeconomic) level" and that you did. You admitted that to us. He probably was turned off by what he saw as superficiality.

On the other hand, he could have told you the truth later that night, and it still wouldn't have been the "nicest" thing for him to do... but what if you turned up the charm "just because" he was "initially" on your level?

Either way, I think it shows both of you have a lot of thinking about how to handle the opposite sex, dating and your careers. Both of you have things to get past in regards to them.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

*Deleted*

Bottomline is, either you get where I'm coming from or you don't.

Some of you claim to not care what a guy does. Fine, you do you. If you're happy as a clam, then I'm happy for you. But I, for one, do put emphasis on my financial future because it's a part of what makes ME happy and secure.

But, overall though, the point is that this dude LIED about important information about himself and doing so was MANIPULATIVE. Security guard or not, that sh*t is not right.

If you want to know whether or not your social status matter to me, be a man and ASK me because I am woman enough to give you an honest answer.

I responded based off the first post, but saw you state you're looking for something serious and committed at this stage in the game. You're right, these questions are important to sort out during dating, but the problem did begin with him- and you gave him what he wanted. He wanted to see you "slack off" because he wasn't a high class employee... so he could write you off. He's in his own boat.

Either way, I still feel like you still might have to re-evaluate divulging your work so specifically when meeting someone for the first time, esp. for such a high profile career. You earned your degree and passed the bar, and those are great accomplishments but some guys - even attorneys themselves- may still be intimidated... I feel like the situation was awkward for a reason.

 

[Dak]

I work for a guy that has been involved in litigation for the last 6 years. It strikes me that many attorneys I've seen are masters at misrepresenting facts, it's kinda the nature of the business. I'm not saying all lie, but I have seen enough of them that truth can certainly be relative.

I would think OP was lucky to see the true nature of this guy before she got more involved.

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

Either way, I think it shows both of you have a lot of thinking about how to handle the opposite sex, dating and your careers. Both of you have things to get past in regards to them.

*Delete*

Sorry, I posted something earlier wherein I really wasn't reading what you were saying.

You're right in that there are things for us to think about.

To be honest, in some ways, dating a guy who makes less than me can be a GOOD thing for me, if he were willing to really take on more responsibility in the home. I'd love to try to make a good run for partner at the firm that I'm at, and I have been told by numerous people at the firm that they see the potential for that in me. But I do want my kids to be cared for so, in that respect, having a man who was at home more than me would be wonderful.

But, like many men, I'm scared about what would happen if I lost my job or couldn't work. I'd feel like such a failure if I couldn't support my family, but then again, I suppose many men go through that everyday....

I do think that there are many women like me who wouldn't mind dating a man who makes a lot less than them, but are turned off to it for several reasons - 1) they're scared as hell of being the breadwinner by a significant amount because of all the "what ifs" 2) they fear that so many men would feel emasculated by it and that it would cause issues 3) guys wouldn't want to help around the house, thus doubling the woman's workload. #3 is really the dealbreaker for me right there - if I am busting my a$$ at work to provide for our family, you'd BETTER NOT be expecting me to make everyone a home cooked meal and do laundry if I've been working for 10 to 12 hours a day! Yet, many women who outearn their husbands are finding themselves in that exact situation (except, most folks don't work the insane hours I do...LOL!)

However, even once you get past the income issue, there are other issues as well - for example, do you really have the same curiosity about the world and interests?

Like it or not, as Bunny mentioned earlier, our careers are often accurate proxies for other things about us. So while this discussion has focused on income, there are other things at issue as well.

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

I responded based off the first post, but saw you state you're looking for something serious and committed at this stage in the game. You're right, these questions are important to sort out during dating, but the problem did begin with him- and you gave him what he wanted. He wanted to see you "slack off" because he wasn't a high class employee... so he could write you off. He's in his own boat.

Either way, I still feel like you still might have to re-evaluate divulging your work so specifically when meeting someone for the first time, esp. for such a high profile career. You earned your degree and passed the bar, and those are great accomplishments but some guys - even attorneys themselves- may still be intimidated... I feel like the situation was awkward for a reason.

Right, I definitely agree with you here.

Although, after he asked me about my job, he didn't seem to feel awkward and he even asked me questions about it. I'm really excited about what I do and even though my job is stressful as HELL, I find it extremely interesting and look forward to learning more about it everyday. So, of course, I blabbed about the cool stuff I've been able to do so far. I dunno, maybe that freaks some people out...

 

[DragonPearl]

Maybe he thought women would be more intrested in him if he told them his real job as they would assume he has money, maybe he was looking for a woman who would like him for him rather than his money and social status.

Which is what happend!! so I don't blame him

Then why did he ask her what SHE did for a living? Seems like her money and social status was important to him. How ironic.

 

[discobiscuits]

Since when?

*sigh*

i meant in the sense of attracting/avoiding/hiding from gold diggers, not in the sense of finding good women who are their intellectual, financial equal or better. LOL

Bunny77 you know the e-me better than that.

 

[DragonPearl]

*Delete*

Sorry, I posted something earlier wherein I really wasn't reading what you were saying.

You're right in that there are things for us to think about.

To be honest, in some ways, dating a guy who makes less than me can be a GOOD thing for me, if he were willing to really take on more responsibility in the home. I'd love to try to make a good run for partner at the firm that I'm at, and I have been told by numerous people at the firm that they see the potential for that in me. But I do want my kids to be cared for so, in that respect, having a man who was at home more than me would be wonderful.

But, like many men, I'm scared about what would happen if I lost my job or couldn't work. I'd feel like such a failure if I couldn't support my family, but then again, I suppose many men go through that everyday....

Don't even feel bad about it. This is the kind of guilt tripping mind game people put on black women ONLY. Non-black professional women do not go through these soul searching dilemmas when it comes to relationships. It's perfectly fine to want a man who is on equal footing or better, or a man who can provide for the family should you decide to have children and stay home, which I don't see a security guard being able to do while maintaining your standard of living. My non-black lawyers friends and acquaintances would have been highly offended by this man action if he did that to them and would have written his arse off without regret.

 

[Bunny77]

*sigh*

i meant in the sense of attracting/avoiding/hiding from gold diggers, not in the sense of finding good women who are their intellectual, financial equal or better. LOL

Bunny77 you know the e-me better than that.

LOL about e-knowing!

See, I know I'm not a man, but I guess I don't see it as being that difficult to avoid obvious golddiggers. I also think that a few too many upwardly mobile black men overuse the term "golddigger" as well when referring to black women, and can't tell the difference between a woman who might simply be looking for someone financially stable with similar values, and a woman who wants him "just" because he might have money.

Plus, if these men are having a hard time distinguishing the genuine women from the golddiggers, I'd then have to question exactly where they're hanging out and what kind of women they're around on a regular basis that they can't determine the difference!

 

[DragonPearl]

LOL about e-knowing!

See, I know I'm not a man, but I guess I don't see it as being that difficult to avoid obvious golddiggers. I also think that a few too many upwardly mobile black men overuse the term "golddigger" as well when referring to black women, and can't tell the difference between a woman who might simply be looking for someone financially stable with similar values, and a woman who wants him "just" because he might have money.

Plus, if these men are having a hard time distinguishing the genuine women from the golddiggers, I'd then have to question exactly where they're hanging out and what kind of women they're around on a regular basis that they can't determine the difference!

LOL.

I'd understand if the man is a multi-millionnaire, he wants to avoid gold diggers, but the man is a lawyer for god's sake. Being a lawyer does not automatically means you're loaded/rich, it means you have potential to make a comfortable living. But that's still not rich. Many lawyers are struggling. This man must come from a very poor background and now he thinks he's made it.

 

[firecracker]

You were suppose to ask that fool "where are you securrrrrrity at?" and "you gotta gun, errah can I borrow it?". LOL I'm stupid like that sorry.........

 

[discobiscuits]

LOL about e-knowing!

see, i feel the OP on being pissed that he lied. i can lend all the excuses i want but it was not necessary for him to do that.


but if it were me, i would not care about that so much. i'd let it go but KIM just in case he really is a liar. basically i'd give him a pass on this one but ONLY this one.

after this thread i am supremely curious as to why he lied to her.

i'm not clear OP if he told you he was a security guard before or after he knew you were an atty? i did not see that as i skimmed the thread (RIF that is reading is fundamental meaning i may have overlooked it in an earlier post if you xplained that already) LOL

 

[MizzBrown]

Then why did he ask her what SHE did for a living? Seems like her money and social status was important to him. How ironic.

Her money and social status SHOULD be just as important if SHE chooses it to be important to him as well.

Men want someone on their level too. A lot of men aren't checking for the chick who is just a file clerk rather than an attorney. Had she said "file clerk", would his opinion of her change? Would you be mad if it did?

They should be equally important on BOTH sides IMO. He needs to ask me and i need to ask him. The problem is working on being TRUTHFUL about it and not trying to test the person to see where their head is at.

At least not in that manner.

 

[MizzBrown]

LOL.

I'd understand if the man is a multi-millionnaire, he wants to avoid gold diggers, but the man is a lawyer for god's sake. Being a lawyer does not automatically means you're loaded/rich, it means you have potential to make a comfortable living. But that's still not rich. Many lawyers are struggling. This man must come from a very poor background and now he thinks he's made it.

If he's been around some chicks who thought that his title meant money in the past then that could warrant him putting up a block from telling people his true profession. Women just ask "what do you do". Instead of asking, "how much do you make/and keep".

Would you rather take a struggling, broke lawyer or a financially secure security guard with a median income?

The lawyer has potential, but he's broke as hell right now with no clients and is actually checkin' for the part-time security job position.

 

[Bunny77]

If he's been around some chicks who thought that his title meant money in the past then that could warrant him putting up a block from telling people his true profession. Women just ask "what do you do". Instead of asking, "how much do you make/and keep".

Would you rather take a struggling, broke lawyer or a financially secure security guard with a median income?

The lawyer has potential, but he's broke as hell right now with no clients and is actually checkin' for the part-time security job position.

See, the thing is, I think black women actually are TERRIBLE gold-diggers. Not that I'm advocating golddigging, but if you're gonna be a golddigger, be smart about it. We are NOT subtle in our golddigging efforts, which is why I don't see how said black men can't immediately see through the chicks who are only after him for his entry-level attorney salary. (I assume he's a first-second year associate.)

Which is a decent salary, but like DragonPearl said, dude ain't a millionaire. If he thinks he's ballin' and the women he meets thinks he's ballin', then he's fishing in some polluted ponds and he also hasn't dropped his "poor" mentality of thinking that high five-figures is golddigger bait.

And I honestly don't know too many broke struggling lawyers... and I really can't see too many lawyers making less or being less financially stable than security guards, really. The lawyers I know aren't ballin', but they are far from broke and struggling.

So yeah, give me the median income lawyer with a high salary ceiling any day over the security guard with the same income who's hit his ceiling.

 

[MizzBrown]

^^I actually want the OP to call him up and ask him why he lied. No other way to know his intentions than to ask. Might be surprising to hear what he has to say.

And then just hang up once you get an answer. And come report back to us!

I don't lie about my job but I try to be discrete. It is interesting to see the wheels literally turning in their heads after you give them a run-down of your stats.

And you can tell the ones who are looking at YOU for YOUR reaction once you give them a rundown of their stats.

My, isnt dating FUN??

 

[Bunny77]

^^I actually want the OP to call him up and ask him why he lied. No other way to know his intentions than to ask. Might be surprising to hear what he has to say.

And then just hang up once you get an answer. And come report back to us!

I don't lie about my job but I try to be discrete. It is interesting to see the wheels literally turning in their heads after you give them a run-down of your stats.

And you can tell the ones who are looking at YOU for YOUR reaction once you give them a rundown of their stats.

My, isnt dating FUN??

You know, I can't really hide what I do for a living because I'm semi-known in the area... kinda like a Z-list celebrity, lol. And my salary is good, but I'm not hardly ballin' either!

I just realized after a while that I just needed to date men on the same socioeconomic level (in finance and mentality... the MENTALITY part is key because I know plenty of dudes making more than me, but still thinking on a poverty level). That way, I just save most of the drama that comes from them possibly having a weird reaction to what I do for a living.

 

[TayMac]

I don't like lying and mind games but I'd look past it and give him another chance..at least see where he is coming from. Career and financial stability are very important to me as well..no need to front.

 

[Nayna]

I agree with most ladies that lying from the first convo is not a good look. He didn't have to mention what he did at all because op didn't ask until he brought up working late AFTER they discussed her job. I don't think he was being malicious though. I don't even think he was worried about gold digging cus she clearly holds her own.

Maybe he thought that if he said he was a lawyer as well she would think he was lying, lol. I dunno this guy is a real class act. Lol

ETA I think he was trying to see how down to earth u were but he let the lie go on too long. Once he saw that u still showed interest and was very much down to earth he went and did his little damage control through friends.

 

[DragonPearl]

If he's been around some chicks who thought that his title meant money in the past then that could warrant him putting up a block from telling people his true profession. Women just ask "what do you do". Instead of asking, "how much do you make/and keep".

I think that's irrelevant, because he asked her first what she did and she said she was a lawyer. So she is not "some chick" with dollar signs in her eyes looking for a man to pay her bills, he should know that as a fellow lawyer she knows what the deal is about the title and the profession and he shouldn't have felt the need to test her.

I personally don't think he was really interested in her because if he was, he would be putting his best foot forward like ALL MEN DO WHEN THEY ARE INTERESTED IN A WOMAN. And I bet my bottom dollar he wouldn't be testing a professional non-black woman with that security gard crap unless he felt she just wanted a roll in the hay with a mandingo and he was willing to provide that with no emotional string attached.

 

[Bachelorette]

So what's gonna happen now?

Is he a goner?

 

[MissYocairis]

^^^Like I said, he BLEW it. Who NEEDS that??? Next!!

AGREED! I don't like it! Would you kindly try not to bring all your baggage with you at the very first meeting? Please? erplexed

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

i'm not clear OP if he told you he was a security guard before or after he knew you were an atty? i did not see that as i skimmed the thread (RIF that is reading is fundamental meaning i may have overlooked it in an earlier post if you xplained that already) LOL

That's funny.

But yes, he told me after he knew I was an attorney. In fact, I think he may have even known that about me before we met because my friend tends to blab to her boyfriend's friends about me.

What's interesting is that, obviously, he wasn't put off by how I was acting that night after I "found out" he was a security guard. I still spoke to him here and there, but I had other friends at the party that I was catching up with, so it wasn't like I left as soon as he told me and just ignored him from that moment on...LOL! I also caught him starting at me and smiling througout the night on a number of occasions. I also made sure to say good bye to him before I left the party. Yet, he never asked for my number.

So, here it is, weeks later after the fact, and my friend tells me that when my name has come up in conversation when she's around him, a big a$$ smile comes across his face and he mentions that he really liked me. WTF? Seriously, the more I think about it, the less his behavior makes any damn sense...

 

[Lady Esquire]

I definitely see what you're saying.

As I noted before, I am a bit wary of dating a guy where there is a big income disparity because of a number of issues that can arise as a result of it.

*Edited for further clarification*

It's not always PC to be honest about these things, but I'd rather be honest about it than pretend it's not an issue like so many others do. If love is supposed to be enough, then explain to me the 50% divorce rate in this country and why money is one of the main reasons why people get divorced.

The truth of the matter is that I don't want someone to completely support me financially. I also do not want to be the main means of support for my family. I want someone with whom I can build a life with, who wants to achieve the same goals as me. I want to be in a position where, God forbid, if someone loses their job or can't work for someone reason, we'll be okay because we've been smart and can live with just one income. A lot of people don't think about the last thing that I just wrote, but I do because I've seen it happen to people.

So yeah, that being the case, of course it gives me pause when I meet a guy and I know almost instantly that I make at least double or triple what he makes. Is it enough for me to not give the guy a chance at all? No, because it depends on what else he has going on for him - you never know what else a person might have going on until you get to know them. If I am attracted to a person and I find him to be engaging and enjoy his company, I WILL go out with him at least a few times, no matter what because to do otherwise would be close minded.

I hope I did not come off as if I was judging, because lawd knows, I agree with you 100% and when I met DH, his potential, was a huge turn on for me. Yeah, I said it. He had all the qualities that I was looking for, and had the potential to provide. And yet still, with all those qualities, we still went through some financial straits because were young when we married, juggling our new family, pursuing grad school, etc...

Please do not feel apologetic about your stance. The balance is what is challanging for us. We want someone whom we have chemistry with, but at the same time, who the hell wants to be broke? Broke, pissed, resented...not a good look, and not good for a marriage.

When I was in grad school, one of my friends was dating a dude who worked for the Dept. of Sanitation. The brother was fine, charming, and treated her like a princess. So, she fell for him. She flew him back to CA to meet her family and they couldn't get passed the fact that she was a lawyer-to-be and he was in sanitation. And even though her other previous boyfriends were money makers, they treated her like crap, they all preferred those other dudes, over this guy. Fastforward a few years, they're married, with a kid, and happy. And he provides WELL. Got a raise and a promotion to mgmt. But she says, even if he didn't, she would've loved him just the same.

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

When I was in grad school, one of my friends was dating a dude who worked for the Dept. of Sanitation. The brother was fine, charming, and treated her like a princess. So, she fell for him. She flew him back to CA to meet her family and they couldn't get passed the fact that she was a lawyer-to-be and he was in sanitation. And even though her other previous boyfriends were money makers, they treated her like crap, they all preferred those other dudes, over this guy. Fastforward a few years, they're married, with a kid, and happy. And he provides WELL. Got a raise and a promotion to mgmt. But she says, even if he didn't, she would've loved him just the same.

Thanks LadyEsquire

The man your friend is with is obviously a man with whom she really connected and who was determined to do the best that he could to build a good life with her.

That's why I think that even if you have some reservations about someone's financial potential, you should give them a chance if many of the other qualities are there.

The only time I think it's an absolute "no go" is if you can tell from the get go that you don't have much in common and can't really talk to each other.

Case in point. I was out with a friend and, through a friend of a friend, met someone's cousin. Really nice looking guy. We didn't really talk much that evening (I was too busy catching up with old college friends), so I was shocked when he asked for my number. But he was attractive and based on my limited interaction, seemed nice enough, so I gave it to him. We were supposed to go out on a date the following week. However, when I talked to him, it was like PULLING TEETH! He really didn't have much of anything interesting to say at all. I was like "Okay, there's no WAY I can spend an entire evening with this dude" so I politely backed out.

By the way, I actually never knew what this guy did for a living, because I never asked him. I figured it would come up in conversation at some point, but the conversation was non-existent so it didn't!

 

[Lady Esquire]

You seem to have a healthy balanced approach to this dating thing. And in the real world, money does count. And with you're being a professional, other factors come into play.

Girl, enjoy the dating world and get it!

And, you know if that confused brother makes a move, we wanna know!

 

[discobiscuits]

That's funny.

Yet, he never asked for my number.

So, here it is, weeks later after the fact, and my friend tells me that when my name has come up in conversation when she's around him, a big a$$ smile comes across his face and he mentions that he really liked me. WTF? Seriously, the more I think about it, the less his behavior makes any damn sense...

okay, may i slap him 4 u? LOL

& i totally agree w/u his behavior makes no sense.

 

[jada1111]

Nope. He did it to play mind games.

After this whole incident happened, my friend said that he's asked about me on a number of occasions. She kept him at bay by telling him she'd ask me about him because we hadn't been able to talk to or see each other in a few weeks, and she knew I wouldn't be cool with this lying bullsh*t.

He's a dumb arse. He reminds me of those men that like to put women through "tests".

I remember many years ago this guy I was interested in (no sex, just talking) "tested" me by having his foine friend try to get at me. Well, guess what? I FAILED! LOLOLOL! I was tonguing him down by the end of the night and was figuring out ways to tell the dude I was talking to that it was over. He called me up the next day by saying what a slut I was (didn't sleep with his friend yet, but wanted to) and that it was a "test" to see if he could trust me. I had never had anybody do that to me before and was angry. I cursed him out and told him to tell his friend to call me later, so we can "hangout".

Ever since then I've had a loathing for men that do this dumb *ish.

The OP should write this punk off and call it a day. Why would he lie about being a lawyer? It's incredibly stupid.