He Lied About His Job...

[Kerryann]

I think he was doing it to be funny he would eventually tell her what he did simply because they have to cross paths again.

I dont think he had to play around like that but hey men are stupid

 

[Carrie A]

*Delete*



I do think that there are many women like me who wouldn't mind dating a man who makes a lot less than them, but are turned off to it for several reasons - 1) they're scared as hell of being the breadwinner by a significant amount because of all the "what ifs" 2) they fear that so many men would feel emasculated by it and that it would cause issues 3) guys wouldn't want to help around the house, thus doubling the woman's workload. #3 is really the dealbreaker for me right there - if I am busting my a$$ at work to provide for our family, you'd BETTER NOT be expecting me to make everyone a home cooked meal and do laundry if I've been working for 10 to 12 hours a day! Yet, many women who outearn their husbands are finding themselves in that exact situation (except, most folks don't work the insane hours I do...LOL!)
.

Totally feel you on your points OP. I know where you are coming from.

 

[Kurlee]

Wow! I think the saddest part of this is that the main message that isn't getting discussed enough in this thread is that the brother just wasn't that into OP.

He knew about her through friends and was probably really interested in seeing her in person after hearing about her.

However, when he finally got to have a conversation with her, he felt the need to "test" her. There aren't too many certainties in life but this always holds true, when a man wants a woman, he goes after her hard. He does whatever he can to seem more attractive to her, usually this involves bragging about his occupation and his bank account.

This guy was most likely somewhat attracted to OP, but after getting a sense of her attitude, he decided not to go full throttle and play some BS game to see if she was as materialistic as she was coming across either through actions, dress, etc. And just the fact that he pulled this prank shows that he had no true interest in OP at that point, since you can never make a woman really forgive you for lying to her or playing mind games.

OP may be successful, intelligent and attractive in her opinion, but she has no idea what characteristics he values in a mate and that's all that matters in this case. As a general rule of thumb, when a woman declares her career or educational achievement as the first trait about her, then she probably carries that cockiness in her day-to-day speech as well and that's not really that attractive to most men. Men want a good-looking woman who will be a good wife, meaning she should be supportive, compassionate, caring, loving, humble and able to respect her man in actions and words. A high-achieving guy does not need someone who is acting as more of a competitor instead of a supporter to his life's goals.

I think that OP should consider how she comes across to men to prevent any of them finding her to be less than sincere or superficial. It seems like she liked this guy alot now that she knows his earning potential (at least enough to warrant time creating a whole thread about this dude).

And it hurts me a bit to think of how her face and body language must have changed when he said he was a security guard. People never think about their body language and that's what confirmed to him that she was definitely not worth his time. Did she look startled when he said security guard, did she look away from him, turn her body away, look down at her wine glass, did she let an uncomfortable silence grow, did her eyes get big, did her face read a big "all hell naw, you're a rent a cop" albeit subconsciously? The sad thing is that she must have done something earlier to cause him to feel like she deserved such a silly test. If he had truly liked OP, he never would have played a game and he would have made several attempts to get her number and email address.

The sum of a man's value is not tied to his career or bank account. I think we all can agree that a man's character is his most important trait. His ability to provide should be second or lower on the list of desired traits in a mate. The man must have been attractive, polite, intelligent-sounding, etc and that's why OP carried on a convo with him, but when he said he was a security guard (despite the fact that he was already no longer interested in her IMHO), she could have saved face by picking up on his attire and his vocabulary, she should have used deductive reasoning and determined if he really "seemed" like a regular ol' security officer. Something tells me he was dressed nicely (i.e. designer clothes, semi-expensive watch, top-notch blackberry), had a decent vocabulary and had conversation that gave evidence of his educational status. She should have asked him where he worked and how he came to know her (I'm assuming) high-achieving friends, where he went to school, what his plans were and never let her face show disappointment.


It's ok not to want to marry a broke man, but it's not right to think of/treat someone differently because of their chosen careers. The man may not be right for you because of his salary, but he is still a man and deserving of respect.

So as someone pointed out earlier, too many BW are sloppy "gold-diggers". All you have to do is ask yourself what does your ideal guy want in a wife and be that. If you answer that question seriously, you'll learn to change the way you present yourself to men. It's great if you're like me and have a wonderful career and the highest degree in the land, but you probably will be single in your 40s if you make each prospect address you by your full title.

Think about it, when a guy asks you to describe yourself, do you start with "I'm a lawyer. I work at F.U. & Lebowski on 5th. I went to Spelman, graduated with top honors. I went to Emory for my JD, etc". Most people don't want your resume on a date or at a casual setting. You are hopefully more than your job and so is that guy, so try to be more engaging, "Oh, let's see, I love to travel. In fact, I just got back from a weekend trip in Baja California, and then I went to LA to catch up with some friends from undergrad. I grew up in Decatur, GA and went to my mom's alma mater, Spelman. While there I volunteered for a woman's shelter and got interested in criminal law. The director at the center wrote this wonderful recommendation letter for my law school applications and through the grace of God and the deans at Emory, I now have my JD. I loved living in ATL, but I leapt at the chance to work a block away from the original Sak's Fifth and Macy's, so that's why I was floored when Lebowski called me up for an interview! Enough about me, tell me more about you!"

And from there you have given the same information about how fabulously smart and high-achieving you are, but it's a heck of a lot more interesting and compassionate sounding. It gives your life story texture and it invites a host of questions and opportunity for the guy to find similarities with you. This is the way I roll. I give a dose of compassionate stuff, then I talk about career goals I have met all the while articulating that I am a great all-the-way around potential wife and have a life outside of my job.




He's smiling because he remembers that you failed his lil' test and he probably knows that you want him now that you know his true career. His ego is stroked in more than one way.

girl, we share a brain! I swear I was thinking the exact same thing!

 

[BrownBetty]

This is some real bull#@!t!!!!!

First off, you did not even ask his profession, he just up and volunteered the dumbs#$t.

Second, you did not counter with, So..what do you do?....that right there is a sign of "you are your profession."

Now, I also live in NYC and I find this extremely rude to directly ask someone there profession. Is it just me. I have been in some many instances here and everyone feels that this is completely kosher to just come out and say "what do you do?"...... wtf do you do? what yo mama do? why the hell are you asking me this?.......ugh!!!! I find it extremely offensive and rude.

Maybe I just can't completely adjust to NYC life, but I find that this question blatantly states " I am attempting to sum you up based on what your employment status is." That makes me sick. Damn, can we look at the person at all anymore? Does personality count for anything?

Now OP, I think you do not have to prove yourself to anyone and participating in this bull is beneath you.....you will find a real man....and when you do, I can almost guarantee he will not be asking you some s#@t about.."what do you do?"

We all want to be amoungst people (especially someone we will be life partners with) as being somewhat on the same wavelength. This is human nature. You were honest and open and that is all you need. He was not. Bump that!!!

When you find him,he will be interested in you no matter what you do and your compatability will be obvious that such direct, rude questions will be unnecessary.

Same thing in Boston..... "Hi how are you?" "What's your name" "What do you do?"

I would cross him off the list and keep it moving.

I know a guy who does this, he has business cards with his position in our professional organization and not his job because "....chicks be scheming.."

 

[Bachelorette]

i but I leapt at the chance to work a block away from the original Sak's Fifth and Macy's, s

This makes her sound like an airhead

 

[Theo]

Wow! I think the saddest part of this is that the main message that isn't getting discussed enough in this thread is that the brother just wasn't that into OP.

He knew about her through friends and was probably really interested in seeing her in person after hearing about her.

However, when he finally got to have a conversation with her, he felt the need to "test" her. There aren't too many certainties in life but this always holds true, when a man wants a woman, he goes after her hard. He does whatever he can to seem more attractive to her, usually this involves bragging about his occupation and his bank account.

This guy was most likely somewhat attracted to OP, but after getting a sense of her attitude, he decided not to go full throttle and play some BS game to see if she was as materialistic as she was coming across either through actions, dress, etc. And just the fact that he pulled this prank shows that he had no true interest in OP at that point, since you can never make a woman really forgive you for lying to her or playing mind games.

OP may be successful, intelligent and attractive in her opinion, but she has no idea what characteristics he values in a mate and that's all that matters in this case. As a general rule of thumb, when a woman declares her career or educational achievement as the first trait about her, then she probably carries that cockiness in her day-to-day speech as well and that's not really that attractive to most men. Men want a good-looking woman who will be a good wife, meaning she should be supportive, compassionate, caring, loving, humble and able to respect her man in actions and words. A high-achieving guy does not need someone who is acting as more of a competitor instead of a supporter to his life's goals.

I think that OP should consider how she comes across to men to prevent any of them finding her to be less than sincere or superficial. It seems like she liked this guy alot now that she knows his earning potential (at least enough to warrant time creating a whole thread about this dude).

And it hurts me a bit to think of how her face and body language must have changed when he said he was a security guard. People never think about their body language and that's what confirmed to him that she was definitely not worth his time. Did she look startled when he said security guard, did she look away from him, turn her body away, look down at her wine glass, did she let an uncomfortable silence grow, did her eyes get big, did her face read a big "all hell naw, you're a rent a cop" albeit subconsciously? The sad thing is that she must have done something earlier to cause him to feel like she deserved such a silly test. If he had truly liked OP, he never would have played a game and he would have made several attempts to get her number and email address.

The sum of a man's value is not tied to his career or bank account. I think we all can agree that a man's character is his most important trait. His ability to provide should be second or lower on the list of desired traits in a mate. The man must have been attractive, polite, intelligent-sounding, etc and that's why OP carried on a convo with him, but when he said he was a security guard (despite the fact that he was already no longer interested in her IMHO), she could have saved face by picking up on his attire and his vocabulary, she should have used deductive reasoning and determined if he really "seemed" like a regular ol' security officer. Something tells me he was dressed nicely (i.e. designer clothes, semi-expensive watch, top-notch blackberry), had a decent vocabulary and had conversation that gave evidence of his educational status. She should have asked him where he worked and how he came to know her (I'm assuming) high-achieving friends, where he went to school, what his plans were and never let her face show disappointment.


It's ok not to want to marry a broke man, but it's not right to think of/treat someone differently because of their chosen careers. The man may not be right for you because of his salary, but he is still a man and deserving of respect.

So as someone pointed out earlier, too many BW are sloppy "gold-diggers". All you have to do is ask yourself what does your ideal guy want in a wife and be that. If you answer that question seriously, you'll learn to change the way you present yourself to men. It's great if you're like me and have a wonderful career and the highest degree in the land, but you probably will be single in your 40s if you make each prospect address you by your full title.

Think about it, when a guy asks you to describe yourself, do you start with "I'm a lawyer. I work at F.U. & Lebowski on 5th. I went to Spelman, graduated with top honors. I went to Emory for my JD, etc". Most people don't want your resume on a date or at a casual setting. You are hopefully more than your job and so is that guy, so try to be more engaging, "Oh, let's see, I love to travel. In fact, I just got back from a weekend trip in Baja California, and then I went to LA to catch up with some friends from undergrad. I grew up in Decatur, GA and went to my mom's alma mater, Spelman. While there I volunteered for a woman's shelter and got interested in criminal law. The director at the center wrote this wonderful recommendation letter for my law school applications and through the grace of God and the deans at Emory, I now have my JD. I loved living in ATL, but I leapt at the chance to work a block away from the original Sak's Fifth and Macy's, so that's why I was floored when Lebowski called me up for an interview! Enough about me, tell me more about you!"

And from there you have given the same information about how fabulously smart and high-achieving you are, but it's a heck of a lot more interesting and compassionate sounding. It gives your life story texture and it invites a host of questions and opportunity for the guy to find similarities with you. This is the way I roll. I give a dose of compassionate stuff, then I talk about career goals I have met all the while articulating that I am a great all-the-way around potential wife and have a life outside of my job.

That's great but your post comes off as somewhat condescending, and I'm not sure if it even applies. You're making a lot of assumptions about the OP said and did, and as far as I know, you weren't there.

I don't think the point was that he wasn't that interested. Even if he wasn't, that's no justification for his lying. That's a bad look for him, period. Even if that is what lawyers do for a living j/k. If I was said mutual friend, I would probably be looking at him sideways, and probably would hesitate to introduce him to any of my other single friends, with his game playing self.

Sometimes I get the sense that as black women, people assume us to be beggars as far as the dating game is concerned, and therefore we're not allowed to be choosers. I think that's ridiculous, and I refused to be made to feel that way.

If he had come up to me telling me he was a security guard, I probably wouldn't have rejected him outright, but I probably would have lost interest and I'm not ashamed to say that.

 

[Lucie]

Yet again I find myself not agreeing with the majority today, LOL. I am not happy that he lied but he probably wanted to see if you liked him for him and not his title or earing potential. I know it is unfair of him to categorize you OP but some women just want a man for his title. Most of my cousins are men and it's funny that once their Benz/BMW/Bentley is in the "shop" their dates become busy. Or if they borrow my car the date seems uncomfortable. I don't condone the lies but I understand.

 

[cocoberry10]

Wow OP, that's unusual. I am also an attorney, but I've never met a man like this.

When I was in law school, there was a man I met at a law conference during a summer. He asked me what I was doing for the summer and I told him that I was summering (a summer associate) at a large law firm. He said "yeah, I'm summering at X, Y, Z firm"). I actually had a friend at that firm, so I asked her if she remembered meeting him at the firm retreat (large law firms bring all summer associates together at their headquarter office for a firm retreat).

Anyhoo, she said "no," which didn't initially alarm me because sometimes people split their summers (meaning they work at 2 different law firms).

But, I guess she wanted to know for herself, so she looked for him in the system. And guess what? He wasn't in it, because HE LIED.

So, she told me and I confronted him. His response? "I'm used to women always being interested in me for the wrong reasons, and I know that people are always trying to take things away from me."

I was like "whatever, well take this away from me. DON'T EVER CALL ME AGAIN." Of course, he did, and eventually he stopped (cuz I wasn't taking his call).

In the end, he didn't become an attorney. Poor guy

 

[cocoberry10]

eh, considering the questions that ran through your head after hearing about the security guard thing, i guess it is kind of warranted?

if you have good conversation/are attracted to someone, does it matter to be like 'o no this will not work' before even going on a date? i dont think its a golddigger thing, especially if he knew you were an attorney first. basically its a 'is she attracted to me or attracted to the social status/regard/whatever that goes with being an attorney' (not saying thats the only reason to be attracted) but your reaction to him as an attorney vs. a security guard were significantly different (even if this was a mental thought process that you did not think you displayed through your actions). (which may have been why he didn't ask for your number)

but really, it doesn't matter in the long run does it since he didnt ask for your number & you do not want to date him because he lied.

I can understand the bolded, but in this situation, it's not wise to lie. I think that because they had mutual friends, she would have found out (and she did). I can understand downplaying your profession. I am an attorney, and I do this. My father is an attorney and a very successful person, and I don't go around bragging about him or our family or who my godfather is, or what not. I don't believe in this. However, I also don't lie.

He would have been better off saying "I work in the legal field" or "I work for company X, Y, Z." The other problem with this guy is, he opened the door, asking her what she did. I don't even usually ask a guy what he does for a living when I first meet him. That conversation will come up later. But he asked her, and she told him she was a lawyer at a large law firm. AFTER that, when she asked him, he lied. That's not acceptable behavior in my opinion.

 

[cocoberry10]

Yet again I find myself not agreeing with the majority today, LOL. I am not happy that he lied but he probably wanted to see if you liked him for him and not his title or earing potential. I know it is unfair of him to categorize you OP but some women just want a man for his title. Most of my cousins are men and it's funny that once their Benz/BMW/Bentley is in the "shop" their dates become busy. Or if they borrow my car the date seems uncomfortable. I don't condone the lies but I understand.

There's validity in your point. HOWEVER, and I say a big HOWEVER, I think that it's important to remember there are two sides to that story.

A LOT of men use their status/career/title/wealth/car/etc. to "bait" a woman. Many men fear that a particular woman wouldn't be interested in them on her own. So they drop the fact that "I'm a doctor," "I'm a lawyer," or "I'm a this, that," "I own this type of car," "I live in this neighborhood," etc.

They don't think that a woman will give them the digits without dropping that information. And in some cases they are correct. However, if that's the only reason she gave you her number, how can you turn around and be upset that she is a "golddigger," when you invited it in?

I don't ask men what they do for a living...they volunteer it. Some have even volunteered what they earn, what they own, etc. I NEVER volunteer that information.

 

[TCatt86]

Since when?

I'm saying these negroes have their picks from the cream of the crop of black women. Upwardly mobile black women have it hard.

 

[UmSumayyah]

All I know is, all that being extra for fear of goldiggers is... EXTRA.
And stupid.
Poor guy. All these women with their claws outstretched, just waiting to dig into him for his money.
You don't have to result to lies to find out if a woman is only into you for your money.

 

[ladysaraii]

I think he was absolutely wrong for lying. And I would be seriously concerned about dating him b/c what else is he going to lie about??

And, also, since when is it considered rude to ask someone what they do? Especially on a date? Salary, i would totally get, but not a job. Besides, its a point of conversation, something to get the conversation flowing.

I think that when you are dating, esp if you are looking for a future mate, well that first date is the time to get to know them and weed out people you wont mesh with. IMO, questions like 'what do you do, are you married, do you have kids' all fair game, especially if you know its a dealbreaker point.

 

[LisaLisa1908]

I call shenanigans.

Anybody that starts off lying for the sake of gleaning information from you can't be trusted. I don't care WHAT his intentions were, asking the OP about her profession THEN LYING ABOUT HIS was some shullbit and I wouldn't be interested in anything else he had to say if that's the best he could do with respect to figuring out where her head's at. That shows poor discernment and decision making. I mean, what does that portend for the future? What ELSE will he lie about in the name of "trying to see where your head is?" Idiot.

I'm too old for games and if you let someone game you to start, that's how it'll go from there on out. I don't do lies, and if you lie about something THAT EASILY FOUND OUT, you'll lie about anything.

 

[LisaLisa1908]

Yet again I find myself not agreeing with the majority today, LOL. I am not happy that he lied but he probably wanted to see if you liked him for him and not his title or earing potential. I know it is unfair of him to categorize you OP but some women just want a man for his title. Most of my cousins are men and it's funny that once their Benz/BMW/Bentley is in the "shop" their dates become busy. Or if they borrow my car the date seems uncomfortable. I don't condone the lies but I understand.

Why does this excuse lying?

Ladies, stop making excuses for lies. LYING IS NOT OKAY!

 

[cocoberry10]

All I know is, all that being extra for fear of goldiggers is... EXTRA.
And stupid.
Poor guy. All these women with their claws outstretched, just waiting to dig into him for his money.
You don't have to result to lies to find out if a woman is only into you for your money.

Exactly. And I always say if Black women really were Golddiggers, we wouldn't be messing with a good portion of these men.

I mean, how many Black women are going after the CEO, the team owner (not the athlete), etc.

We aren't like women of other races. TRUST ME, these non-Black women put us to SHAME!

 

[cocoberry10]

I think he was absolutely wrong for lying. And I would be seriously concerned about dating him b/c what else is he going to lie about??

And, also, since when is it considered rude to ask someone what they do? Especially on a date? Salary, i would totally get, but not a job. Besides, its a point of conversation, something to get the conversation flowing.

I think that when you are dating, esp if you are looking for a future mate, well that first date is the time to get to know them and weed out people you wont mesh with. IMO, questions like 'what do you do, are you married, do you have kids' all fair game, especially if you know its a dealbreaker point.

Exactly. However, in a recession, asking someone what they do may garner some painful responses

 

[tada1]

yes, i agree. he is 100% in the wrong for lying unnecessarily. UNLESS he said it as a joke and you just didn't get it. I am in my twenties but i dont like to disclose my age at work. so when people ask me, I tell them i'm 45 or 60 or something absolutely ridiculous and then smile. In my case, it is very obvious that i am not that old, but i still wouldn't be so quick to jump into conclusions about his character.

Yes, your friend told you that he lied, but did you ask him? is it not the mature thing to ask questions about these types of matters before accusing the other party of childishness? just my two cents. hth

And it hurts me a bit to think of how her face and body language must have changed when he said he was a security guard.

and oh....what she said. seriously, i hope you learn something from this experience. not everybody one comes across should become a means to an end. people are of value in and of themselves. even if you know deep down in your heart that you will never want to marry a security man. does that stop you from being friends with? helping? or getting acquainted with one?

 

[lux10023]

Lame *** dude tryna test someone—he is an attorney—I could understand if he was related to the Gates---but an attorney come on dude—r ur law school loans pai din full—like wtf---boooo

Next!!! Ugh.

Test this ****...lol

 

[pisceschica]

Most likely to test your reaction to him being a "security guard"

Maybe Im nuts but I would be like "oh good one!" and laugh it off

I don't think I would be that mad about it if we were in more casual stages of relationship.

When I clicked on this thread I was thinking it was a long term serious relationship and she found out her bf was something he was not.

Maybe he was testing you and or just being funny. I know I would have been like "check please" in my head if he had told me that

 

[BroadstreetBully]

WOW, some people have missed the point, completely!

Yes, some women are gold diggers, and many men want to avoid that; however, how could he think she wanted him for his 'status' when she does the EXACT SAME THING? She is an attorney, too. What did he have to gain by lying? The girl is making her own bank and has her own status!


HE asked about profession. He put it out there. If he was so concerned about whether a woman genuinely wanted to get to know him, he would have kept the conversation about sports, literature, the weather, whatever... Why does he have the right to know what she does, but she has to settle for getting lied to? She is doing her own thing, but a dude is still trying to figure out her intentions? Doesn't even make sense.

 

[cocoberry10]

WOW, some people have missed the point, completely!

Yes, some women are gold diggers, and many men want to avoid that; however, how could he think she wanted him for his 'status' when she does the EXACT SAME THING? She is an attorney, too. What did he have to gain by lying? The girl is making her own bank and has her own status!


HE asked about profession. He put it out there. If he was so concerned about whether a woman genuinely wanted to get to know him, he would have kept the conversation about sports, literature, the weather, whatever... Why does he have the right to know what she does, but she has to settle for getting lied to? She is doing her own thing, but a dude is still trying to figure out her intentions? Doesn't even make sense.

Girl, TELL it like it is....go head Dr. Phil (Phillipa)

 

[UmSumayyah]

http://roslynholcomb.wordpress.com/2009/09/11/free-lesson-21-police-your-boundaries/

 

[MuseofTroy]

I wonder if the OP was a non-Black woman if these immature man-child would have lied about his occupation. Did I mention his behavior is a big *** RED FLAG?

 

[Lovestyr]

lol hmmm I see both sides of the situation I undertsand both. But, I have to agree more with perhaps why he lied aout his occupation.

 

[UmSumayyah]

So much sympathy for a guy who flat out lied in order to test women to be sure they "want him for him".

I vote all beautiful women start running around in grey sweatsuits, white sneakers, coke bottle glasses, and pony tails. Oooh, and paint on a wart with a few zits.

Let's make sure men want us for US and not our looks.

 

[lexi08]

So much sympathy for a guy who flat out lied in order to test women to be sure they "want him for him".

I vote all beautiful women start running around in grey sweatsuits, white sneakers, coke bottle glasses, and pony tails. Oooh, and paint on a wart with a few zits.

Let's make sure men want us for US and not our looks.

This is what I don't get. The man lied end of discussion In no way should he have been entertained any further IMO.

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

Wow...surprised that this thread went on for so long.

I do have to say though, frankly, I am really shocked and amazed at how many posters in here are okay with someone being manipulative like that because they felt the "ends justified the means."

I'd seriously like to see how many "successful" relationships are built upon such theories.

While this thread may have ventured off into discussions about income/status/career expectations and desires in a relationship, the point was this - LYING in order to manipulate people is just NOT COOL and it's NOT RIGHT.

 

[cocoberry10]

I wonder if the OP was a non-Black woman if these immature man-child would have lied about his occupation. Did I mention his behavior is a big *** RED FLAG?

It's both funny and sad that you mention this, but the older I get, the more I realize that a lot of these men treat Black women very differently from non-Black women. We are expected to put up with more from them than the other race women. And I suspect that's because they know the other women will bounce.