Do you date/marry outside your culture?

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

There is a current thread on dating between darker-skinned Black women and men of another race. My topic is a little different in that I wish to expound upon one I happened across on another thread in the political forum. Please find the excerpt below after this question. In red is my response:

QUESTIONIs it easier for you to date outside your culture or do you prefer to stay within your cultural heritage and if so or if not, why?

.

I just have a problem with those who choose White or other cultures over Blacks; seeing Blacks as the lower or the lessor. I've heard some Black men prefer hispanics over a Black woman. That's wrong. Women do it too.

I tend to agree with this statement but for different reasons. I'm Black but I'm not African American, I am First Nations. Many people do not comprehend that well but our "countries" were here before the United States. Truly, the U.S. was a new country to my ggrandfather and he was born on this land. But for a variety of reasons, I am seeing things differently. Red,Black or White, I would only wish to be with an Indian man. I married an East African and that was sheer hell. Not only dealing with the culture and its expectations, but with the lack of respect for me and my culture that reared its ugly head AFTER marriage. I want someone who takes First Nations seriously and supports our way of life. Someone who is not afraid of traditional religion or our ways. Someone who wishes to learn them and devote his life to them.

As for color, we come in 3, even Yellow. But I would never again marry "outside" my race. That includes non-Native Black men. I won't make that mistake again. BTW, I have lovely 1/2 Ethiopian kids but I sold out on his culture and am now backtracking. I'm sure there's some lady on here who fully comprehends what I'm talking about...maybe someone who married a Muslim or another religion?

This should be a different thread, I know. Anybody willing to join me in another forum with this topic? It's been on my mind for awhile and there are few fora where I can engage in this type of issue.
__________________

 

[Iansan]

I date anyone. I say I have a preference for my own or similar cultures but really it doesn't matter...

 

[MizAvalon]

I date all colors and cultures.

Can't wait to hear what other ladies have to say though.

 

[Highly Favored8]

Yes, I am getting ready to date a man from another country. I am EXCITED=)!

 

[almond eyes]

My parents married outside their culture. It was hard because my father comes from a very traditional african culture and my mother comes from an African culture where women tend to be more assertive.

Best,
Almond Eyes

 

[UmSumayyah]

There can be issues to be worked on when marrying outside your culture.

For me, it was very important that my husband be american.

 

[LovinLocks]

For me, it was very important that my husband be american.

??

Ay yi, yi.

I've married black, white and in-between. I've chalked it up to "a man is a man; is . . . a ..... man". Oh, and one of 'em was a white man, born, bred in "America", and I felt so far removed from that dude it ain't even funny. Had nothing in the world to do with his skin color, neither.

It's about the upbringing, culture not race, and how the person decides to be (notice I said decide, 'cause I do believe how we choose to act becomes a choice at some point, barring, retardation and mental issues) as an adult (in my experience).

 

[Ramya]

I don't date outside of my country nor my culture but "culture" in the context that I'm using it means American Culture which is debatable anyway

 

[Aubergold]

I would date/marry any "type" of black person.

 

[LunadeMiel]

I have a very strong preference for dating men from my country. I've never had a real boyfriend that was not Haitian. I don't think that I could be happy with a man who does not speak my language or truely undestand my culture. When my SO and I broke up during my sophomore year of college I tried dating a South African man. While we had many similairities, it would have never worked out. I like being able to communicate in my own language, and be able to fantasize about moving back home with my SO.

 

[DayStar]

wow...i have 2 cultures...israelite and west-indian. He must be an Israelite.....he doesnt have to be WI...but he has to be of african decent..any country is fine.

 

[Spongie Bloom]

I have a very strong preference for dating men from my country. I've never had a real boyfriend that was not Haitian. I don't think that I could be happy with a man who does not speak my language or truely undestand my culture. When my SO and I broke up during my sophomore year of college I tried dating a South African man. While we had many similairities, it would have never worked out. I like being able to communicate in my own language, and be able to fantasize about moving back home with my SO.

Can you give me his number?? im south african ...

anyhoo till about 4 yrs ago i didnt even think about dating outside my culture mainly cause i lived in south africa and would have to go to very extreme lengths to find someone outside my culture to date but then i moved to England and at first i only looked for South African men and i tell ya it was slim pickings so i spread my wings a lil bit i dated a guy from St Martins for a yr and tho there were a few similarities we differed very much on some important issues... im currently dating an Englishman and loving every minute of it, if i was to just limit myself to south african men (removing all the ***** ones ) id have been single for the most part of the 5 yrs ive been in England although i must admit i do have fantasies about being able to speak my language with my future DH and having my crumb snatchers speak my language too cause i want to move back to South Africa when i finish my studies (no way am i raising a family here )

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

I have a very strong preference for dating men from my country. I've never had a real boyfriend that was not Haitian. I don't think that I could be happy with a man who does not speak my language or truely undestand my culture. When my SO and I broke up during my sophomore year of college I tried dating a South African man. While we had many similairities, it would have never worked out. I like being able to communicate in my own language, and be able to fantasize about moving back home with my SO.

I totally agree with you here. There are so many stresses on a marriage and if someone from another country makes it work flawlessly, then that is a good match. But that is rare. Usually, one side of the marriage gives up his/her culture to a certain extent to embrace the other where that one takes preference, even in raising children. They will develop a sense of extreme pride in one and little in the other. That's not a good position to be in as the "other," where your spouse belittles your heritage (unbenowingly...often). Is that a word? I'm strugging in Yinglish right now. But anyhoo, I don't think it's so much about race either. It's the culture. Esp. if there is another language involved. I think people need to be aware. Sure, date but if it's leading to marriage, get a counselor, get friends who are married outside their culture and ask a barrage of questions.

 

[Ms Red]

I used to believe that I would only date/marry a Black man.

Recently, after some much-needed real life experience, I have decided to be open to date/marry a man whose values, ethics, religious beliefs and practices and moral code (including raising children and basic principles in marriage) mesh with mine.

Life is too short to wait around for Morris Chestnut Jr. Whatever race the man I described above is, I hope I'll be able to accept him and have a good life.

 

[almond eyes]

To be honest, I'm mixed with too many cultures to be so picky. I would rather look at personality and compatibility rather than place any restrictions on myself. I think when you are multicultural or multiracial, you sometimes learn to assimiliate into other cultures in order to fit in.

Best,
Almond Eyes

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

To be honest, I'm mixed with too many cultures to be so picky. I would rather look at personality and compatibility rather than place any restrictions on myself. I think when you are multicultural or multiracial, you sometimes learn to assimiliate into other cultures in order to fit in.

Best,
Almond Eyes

I'm multiracial/multicultural and I have the pick between 4 colors which is not the issue for me but I don't think I'll ever date again outside our people. I do think that anyone who is in a relationship tends to blend into the "other" culture and when someone is not as sure of himself as he should be, his culture will take a back seat. This is complicated when there are children involved. I don't truly think anyone should assimilate in the sense they "forget" who they are because people appreciate the other culture more. Just my 2 cents. What am I saying, I started this thread lol!

I guess my advice is this for anyone out there, do not assimilate but celebrate your own as well as his/hers. Never take anybody's backseat. It's easy to do when one becomes enamored with a new culture but it's detrimental in the long run.

 

[UmSumayyah]

I totally agree with you here. There are so many stresses on a marriage and if someone from another country makes it work flawlessly, then that is a good match. But that is rare. Usually, one side of the marriage gives up his/her culture to a certain extent to embrace the other where that one takes preference, even in raising children. They will develop a sense of extreme pride in one and little in the other. That's not a good position to be in as the "other," where your spouse belittles your heritage (unbenowingly...often). Is that a word? I'm strugging in Yinglish right now. But anyhoo, I don't think it's so much about race either. It's the culture. Esp. if there is another language involved. I think people need to be aware. Sure, date but if it's leading to marriage, get a counselor, get friends who are married outside their culture and ask a barrage of questions.

There has been at least one book written on intercultural marriage. It's not something to take lightly.

 

[UmSumayyah]

I am not trying to join the borg. :borg: Whenever I think of the word, "assimilate", that is what comes to mind. A certain amount of, hmmm let's say "adjustment" is necessary and normal and happens in any healthy marriage.

If the parents are serious about exposing their children to both cultures then one doesn't have to take a backseat. At least, not all the time.

 

[Zawaj]

Short answer: Yes, I am currently in an inter-cultural marriage.

 

[divya]

I have a preference for Trinidadian men, and after that other West Indian men. It doesn't matter whether their heritage is African, Indian, Amerindian, Chinese, Syrian etc. I would just like for us to share a cultural background. My s/o is Trinidadian and it's wonderful.

First and foremost though, my future husband must be a Seventh-day Adventist Christian. Religion surpasses culture here, because it affects my lifestyle to a greater degree. I am definitely open to dating and marrying other cultures, as long as we share religious faith.

 

[Zawaj]

I have a preference for Trinidadian men, and after that other West Indian men. It doesn't matter whether their heritage is African, Indian, Amerindian, Chinese, Syrian etc. I would just like for us to share a cultural background. My s/o is Trinidadian and it's wonderful.

First and foremost though, my future husband must be a Seventh-day Adventist Christian. Religion surpasses culture here, because it affects my lifestyle to a greater degree. I am definitely open to dating and marrying other cultures, as long as we share religious faith.

I totally agree

 

[TriniStarr]

i have to agree with divya. i prefer to date Trinidadian men and other WI men. i have dated outside my cultural many times before and i have to say it was very hard for me. My ex's had a very hard time understanding my cultural in every way possiable, which would make us end our relationship due to both our cultural.

 

[MiamiHottie]

No, my mother would have a fit. Apparently, my children will be "lost forever".

 

[drasgrl]

I've only dated outside my race and dated different cultures. It's not that I purposely sought that out but the only guys who approached me or were interested just so happened they weren't black. Now to be honest yes it is easier for me to date outside my race because that's just what I'm used to. I can't even really imagine being with a black guy. Not that I have anything against black guys, I'd date one if one was interested, but they just don't check for me so I have to go where I'm wanted

I've never had a real problem with the cultural differences in fact I really enjoy learning about the other cultures, so cultural differences never got in the way. I don't feel because they aren't black American that they won't understand me. My bf now although he was born in Taiwan, he moved to the US since he was 12 so he's pretty much Americanized so we can share some of the same culture and I lived in his country for a few years so I can understand some of the aspects of his culture.

 

[oldcrayons]

Hmm, I think it depends. I have never dated a Black man and I probably never will. It's just what I'm attracted to. And my interests are pretty much foreign to those of a Black man. My love for shoegaze and Scandinavian music would pretty much limit who I choose to date and I am more than likely left with Caucasian men. We love the same music and are most likely drawn to the same hobbies. They usually share my interest in philosophy/history while sipping on chai tea.

It's just that the type of things that I'm into are not... attractive to say, Black men. I have never met a guy who was, not saying that there isn't one but it's strongly unlikely. And I could never date someone who didn't like the same things as me, it irritates me and I must have someone who is on the same level as I am.

 

[oldcrayons]

I've only dated outside my race and dated different cultures. It's not that I purposely sought that out but the only guys who approached me or were interested just so happened they weren't black. Now to be honest yes it is easier for me to date outside my race because that's just what I'm used to. I can't even really imagine being with a black guy. Not that I have anything against black guys, I'd date one if one was interested, but they just don't check for me so I have to go where I'm wanted

I've never had a real problem with the cultural differences in fact I really enjoy learning about the other cultures, so cultural differences never got in the way. I don't feel because they aren't black American that they won't understand me. My bf now although he was born in Taiwan, he moved to the US since he was 12 so he's pretty much Americanized so we can share some of the same culture and I lived in his country for a few years so I can understand some of the aspects of his culture.

IASFM. It's fun learning about different cultures.

 

[almond eyes]

When I said about assimilate, it was not related to race assimilation. For example, I am mixed with about four different countries. When I am with one side of the family, there is one way that I am and switch my accent and throw in words from that language and so on. And let me tell people that they think that being black is the same all over the world, but I can tell you all of my parents cultures are different from day and night. Some of these cultures are very traditional and they don't match very well with more opened cultures and this is deeper than the husband and wife dynamics, you marry into the entire family. For example, in the Yoruba culture, when you meet an older/elderly relative you must prostrate on the floor or its disrespectful. My father never taught us to do that but if you don't do it then your the odd one out. It's just trying to adjust to endear people to you and not to change any aspect of yourself.

Best,
Almond Eyes

 

[Taliah]

Dated outside my race a gazillion times. If I decide to marry my preference would be of my race and backround.

Interracial relations are too complicated especially when you are true yourself.

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

When I said about assimilate, it was not related to race assimilation. For example, I am mixed with about four different countries. When I am with one side of the family, there is one way that I am and switch my accent and throw in words from that language and so on. And let me tell people that they think that being black is the same all over the world, but I can tell you all of my parents cultures are different from day and night. Some of these cultures are very traditional and they don't match very well with more opened cultures and this is deeper than the husband and wife dynamics, you marry into the entire family. For example, in the Yoruba culture, when you meet an older/elderly relative you must prostrate on the floor or its disrespectful. My father never taught us to do that but if you don't do it then your the odd one out. It's just trying to adjust to endear people to you and not to change any aspect of yourself.

Best,
Almond Eyes

Oh, I understood you. I am Native American (mixed Indigenous, tribal). I totally comprehend. When I first posted this thread, I wondered just how different the responses would be. I didn't initially expect that people meant that I wouldn't date outside of Black. For me, Indians come in 3 colors, sometimes 4. For me, it is about culture and not racial inmixture.

I likewise didn't expect people to think that this is about "learning" and being "excited" about cultures. That can be learned without entering into a relationship with someone of a different culture. I speak 4 languages. These aren't bragging, it is about fact and placing my intention. Btw, my ex is an Ethiopian Jew. Although I also have some Jewish heritage and go to synagogue, I am not Ethiopian/Sephardic from a traditionalist African society. So I comprehend a lot of things.

What I will say that I've learned, like me, many are open to the world around them. This is a good thing. I have never allowed the "Black" community to define me in the sense of what I can and cannot do as far as who I identify with, what are my aspirations , educationally, culturally etc. I have learned that there is a stark difference between dating someone of a different culture and marrying them, thereby taking on their culture, family and the expectations that often come along with it. Marriage itself cannot be taken lightly, of course not. Marriage outside of one's culture requires different knowledge to determine if it is plausible. Oftentimes, that knowledge doesn't come until there are crises forming after a union. And how does the community respond with these crises? More often, there are not sufficient signs to preview and predict because of the way some cultures marry...representatives of the groom, etc. It's very complicated.

So, it is good that people come together. It is bad when one feels pushed little by little to relinquish their culture in favor of the foreign spouse's culture. Nothing but resentment will result, for spouse and children. I've seen it happen in favor of the foreign culture and Western culture. Not pretty. Even inter-African, inter-European, people have to hold onto that which they are.

There is another thing. I often find that there is a guilt laid upon American women of African descent such that they are not respected for their own culture/subcultures. It is an oversight into what makes a people. It's not color.

Well, I learned a lot about the 20-something perspective. Thanks and I hope this discussion continues.

 

[czyfaith77]

Will be marrying outside of my culture in December. He is Ghanaian and I am African American. We are both believers in Christ. I have always known I would marry someone from another culture. Which one? I did not know. Have I done so before (as far as date)? No, but that was what was always attracted to me. I have only dated one African American man. I have dated few but, the ones that I have either been from the Virgin Islands, etc. and their families have always loved me. We get along fine. As a matter of fact that is a joy of ours sharing one another's culture through travel, clothing, jewelry, food/cooking, language, etc. It has been and is fun. I think what is really important is that you have a strong and similiar belief system. For instance, he moved me because he was the first man that I met that really had a firm foundation in his walk with God, who would pray for me and with me. He was and is honorable and is that way toward me. We are simple and never complex (if so lol , it is usually me but he balances it being calm). (Smiling)..This relationship is cherishable.