Black women date out of our race because we HAVE to...

[Bunny77]

I date outside of my race because I have no preference either way... It's all about chemistry. I'm not going to only seek out black men, but I'm not going to avoid them either.

Yep, that's me!

It doesn't have to be either or... you can date interracially AND still date black men too.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

I date outside of my race because I have no preference either way... It's all about chemistry. I'm not going to only seek out black men, but I'm not going to avoid them either.

I agree. I date whoever I'm attracted too. If it's a white man, so be it. It's it's a black man, that's cool too. I'm all about who treats classimami like the queen she is.

 

[Duchesse]

You're making lemonade. There are plenty of black women married to amazing black men. And there are some amazing single brothers out there looking for a sister to make black babies with. Maybe:

- You're looking in the wrong places.
- You're sending off the wrong vibe.
- Maybe you're ignoring the few that approach you
- Or maybe it just ain't your time yet
- And maybe, what you THINK you want isn't actually what is best for you.
(you general and you specific)

But clearly there's a desire on your part to be married already. Nothing wrong with that. Different Spin: throw away that "I.B.M." (Ideal Black Man) list and just start living. If you WANT to get married, put as much effort and focus on to the pursuit of a husband and the M.R.S. as you did with college or your job.

...before you start to blame the "curse of the brothers" take a look at what you could be doing differently.

Some things happen by chance, others happen through determination and effort. I don't know where we ALL (myself included) got this notion that true love can only occur via chance. We earn good jobs and good paying salaries. We earn good educations. We get lucky with our men?! We earned that, too.

CHUUUUCH!! There is an abundance of GOOD BLACK MEN I believe. He may not look like what you expected, or sound the way you like, or approach you as you're used to, but I've been coming into contact with good black women who all have "good black men", and I often ask myself "Wow..would I have given X a chance if he had approached me?", or would I have put myself out there to get to know him...and sadly my single arse is realizing that NO, I probably would have written them off for being too this or too that, or just being lazy waiting for someone to drop from the sky.

 

[Princess4real]

ITA w/ you again!

Black women don’t have to do anything, it’s all by choice.

The only problem I have is all the articles, tv shows, radio discussions, messageboards, gossiping at work about the ‘woe is me…nobody wants me…cant find me a black man…black men don’t want us anymore ….I will always be single…black men please come back home…etc etc..etc..etc..etc..etc..etccc

I. AM. JUST. SO. TIRED. OF. IT!!!!!

It's not a good image for us. That's my only rant. The black women who prefer to be single because they choose not to date out and cant find a black man, that’s fine with me, they’re the ones missing out IMO, not me.

I personally know of a few black women who actually moved ( by plane) to another country, all in hopes of finding a black man. Pulled their kids out school, sold their house, gave up their job at work, gave up everything and moved to another country to find a black man, that IMO is ridiculous! …But again that’s their choice, I just hope they don’t come on national tv talking black men still not wanting them in the new country reside in too

 

[Energist]

My oldest cousin (who has had men fawning all over her since she was 16 and is set to marry a white/Korean man) said "black men date outside the race by choice; but we do it because we have to" SAY WORD!!! My last few relationships were with whites/hispanics but that is really not how I planned it. If I could find a black man who treated me as well as they did, I would be picking wedding dresses as we speak. I say all that to say, do you think we (black women) really want to date outside the race or are we just making lemonade?

Well that most definitely does not speak for me. I married my husband because he is my soul mate, we fit more than I or he has ever fit with anyone else. We fell in love immediately, by very strong mental, emotional, and physical chemistry.

A good example... right before I moved from NY, I ran into a guy I was dating during my High School years and he is a very VERY handsome, MBA educated, financially stable Black man. He was trying his hardest to rekindle something with me and was going on and on about how I was the one that got away... after ALLLLL of these years! Well, I was not in the least bit interested, 1st because I was not attracted, no matter how good he looked, and 2nd because I had already met my future husband, who I was in love with and who I knew was my soul mate! I could have very easily have been with my ex, but I chose where my heart was and it was with my beautiful husband, he just happens to be Asian.

 

[MizAvalon]

I date all races. Always have, always will.

 

[facets]

Is it bad to admit that I didn't really give a rats a** about 'race'? Not to down those who do have a preference but I just had a different desire list/map.

Spirit, chemistry, timing, caring, humor, comittment...gah... sooooooooo many things are higher up than same color/ancestry on my list.

I've never been deeply obsessed w/ specific styles of 'meat suits'... This went & goes for my dates & friends. I see and feel beauty (& ugliness too) everywhere & in every group.

***
Lemonade for me would've been ignoring my deep non-negotiables simply to match. Or rejecting potential mates based on 'race' & irrational fears.

 

[DragonPearl]

I date all races. Always have, always will.

Me and you girl, me and you. I am not saving myself, my love, or my body for any race of men.

God forbid something should happen to my husband or we are no longer together, I'd be back on the market, dating all races of men. I will not go out of my way to find black men. Sue me.

 

[UmSumayyah]

Of course some people are making lemonade. If you go into the notion of IR with that "I am going to SHOW those black men!" attitude, yah. You are REALLY not happy with lemonade, and would probably prefer orange juice instead.

Sippin' on your lemonade giving glasses of orange juice the eye, trying to see if they are jealous or regretful.

Culinarily OT: That said, lemons get a bad rap. You can make lemonade, lemon sorbet, squeeze them on seafood, stuff them in the cavity of chicken with some herbs and then roast the whole thing, use them to flavor rice and vegetables... I love lemons.

Excuse me while I head over to foodnetwork.com. I think I made myself hungry.

 

[Recovering Weave-aholic]

You're making lemonade. There are plenty of black women married to amazing black men. And there are some amazing single brothers out there looking for a sister to make black babies with. Maybe:

- You're looking in the wrong places.
- You're sending off the wrong vibe.
- Maybe you're ignoring the few that approach you
- Or maybe it just ain't your time yet
- And maybe, what you THINK you want isn't actually what is best for you.
(you general and you specific)

But clearly there's a desire on your part to be married already. Nothing wrong with that. Different Spin: throw away that "I.B.M." (Ideal Black Man) list and just start living. If you WANT to get married, put as much effort and focus on to the pursuit of a husband and the M.R.S. as you did with college or your job.

...before you start to blame the "curse of the brothers" take a look at what you could be doing differently.

Some things happen by chance, others happen through determination and effort. I don't know where we ALL (myself included) got this notion that true love can only occur via chance. We earn good jobs and good paying salaries. We earn good educations. We get lucky with our men?! We earned that, too.

My thoughts on the above statement-->And the church said "Amen."

-I know for a fact that I'm looking in the wrong places (clubs, bars...)
-I have been told that I'm not approachable but I don't know why or what to do to change it. I'm really pretty easy to talk to but I think the weave/excessive cleavage combo may have been a little intimidating.
-Umm, I will have a conversation with just about anyone but if I'm not feeling anything after that conversation then it just ends there. I've told many men "You don't want my #, I'm moody and difficult."
-Its probably not time to walk down the aisle, but can a girl get someone to watch a movie and eat a pizza with?
-Hmm?? I'm going to have to think on this one.

I hate to admit this, but I'm starting to think less of black men. God knows I love, respect and appreciate all that a black man can/should be but I can't say I feel the same way about what many black men actually are.

 

[Valerie]

personally, i believe it's a bad idea to only consider dating outside of your race because you think this is the only way to obtain a man. it just seems like a bad mindset to have when you are looking for a partner. i think if you're going to date ir then you should already be attracted to non-black men and see them as a genuine option and not just the last resort.

i understand that some will mainly (or only) date non-black men due to environment but they shouldn't be using the "there are no black men so i have to date non-black" excuse to "justify" their actions. by doing that, i question whether they were really into their partners (or just settling), if they would have dated black men were the option available to them and how comfortable they really are with their choices.

if you're going to date "out" then own it and be comfortable in your choice. don't come up with excuses for why you "had" to do it. imo, if some were that concerned about dating black men exclusively despite their nearly all white environment then they'd be actively seeking them out at all-black events, connecting with mutual friends, going online and even re-locating.

Totally agree with you in this one, black women should be honest with themselves if they want black men and they can't find the one they want, where they are, there are a lot of places were Black men can be found and maybe they should travel to British Virgin Islands, Bahamas, other countries were they are successful black men or other cities etc. If they are attracted to non-black men, good and don't be ashamed and don't listen to what anyone says, because they will certainly not concentrating on you when you are on your own.

 

[blkbeauty]

Okay, well I personally disagree with this for myself, but to each her own.

I am involved with a white man and I chose him over various black men I dated. I did not prefer a black man, I just preferred a good man. I was not forced into making my choice, and I've always dated whomever I wanted out of free will. Even if there was a guarantee of a good black man for every good black women, I'd still be open to dating men of other races.

My current BF is far a lemon that I just settled for because I really wanted a black man instead. I dated outside my race by choice -- even though I still dated black men as well -- because I was never hung up on the idea that only a black man would be for me.

I have no problem with black women preferring black men. That makes sense to me. But I almost feel that black women are obsessed with black men to a point that's just ridiculous... folks willing to give up their dreams, goals, standards and lives just to have "a black man," and if they don't find this black man, they'll just be single. Sheeeet... never that for me! It ain't even that serious....

A man is a man is a man. If he is down for Bunny, regardless of color, he can get it. Period.

AMEN Lady!

 

[erokawa]

No one is FORCED to date outside of their race, but depending on the area and your situation you may FEEL that way. Like me, I'm not forced to date outside my race but a lot of the young men my age are too concerned with being ghetto fab, and I'm not going to turn away a good dating prospect of another color just so I can find someone who is black. I don't care.

 

[Much2much41]

If that's your (no the OP, just in general) belief, then it's true for you. That doesn't mean it applies to everyone who does it.

 

[kismettt]

i prefer black men. i know the "right" answer is...'love is colorblind'. but im physicall attracted to black men, i want to date someone i am physically attracted to. most of the black guys in my area date white girls. but i have never dated interracially (i 'talked' to a mexican in high school & that never went anywhere...) i just dont look at white men like & i have never been approached by someone outside my race either. the latino men i find attractive dont really seem to date outside their race. so i feel if i ever do date outside my race, it will be because i have to. but even living/growing up in a mostly white area, i found a few good black guys. =)

 

[SleekandBouncy]

I think a lot of black women are doing this. They are dating out because they are not finding what they want amongst the pool of black men. Black men were preference #1.

Personally I think it's a bit pathetic. I have yet to have any experiences that lead me to believe I need to be that desperate. Whomever I date it's because they meet a general criteria, not because I couldn't get what I wanted in the color I wanted.
BW have let the media hoodwink them and they've refused to consider the factor MissNadi laid out as well as self presentation/the package.
On a side note if there aren't many quality black men perhaps black women, who by in large raise these men need to look at themselves.

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

I think a lot of black women are doing this. They are dating out because they are not finding what they want amongst the pool of black men. Black men were preference #1.

Personally I think it's a bit pathetic. I have yet to have any experiences that lead me to believe I need to be that desperate. Whomever I date it's because they meet a general criteria, not because I couldn't get what I wanted in the color I wanted.

I agree with this.

I date outside of my race because it is a preference. However, even so, I in no way shape or form believe that there's a "dearth" of good Black men. Can it be more challenging for a Black woman to find a Black man with a similar educational level? Well, sure. Just look at the stats. But, there are still many good Black men available. I know because I went to school with a ton of them (okay, maybe not a TON, but a good number )

Honestly, if there are Black women who are turning to other men as choice #2 and not due to a genuine attraction, then, you can be assured that they will probably not see much more success in doing so. What you think, what you feel, all of that is projected. If the dating comes from desperation, the men will sense this and run in the other direction.

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

We get lucky with our men?! We earned that, too.

I agree that we earn it, but there's a little bit of luck thrown in there too.

How? Well, I think the "luck" comes into play with respect to timing. Some folks luck out and have the combination of all the right things at the right time.

But that's the kicker - you gotta have that combination, and many of us screw up by not really being ready for love.

Other that that, however, I think you can create your own luck. The more willing you are to put yourself out there, and meet people, the more chances you have for "luck" to work in your favor

 

[Isis]

I agree with this.

I date outside of my race because it is a preference. However, even so, I in no way shape or form believe that there's a "dearth" of good Black men. Can it be more challenging for a Black woman to find a Black man with a similar educational level? Well, sure. Just look at the stats. But, there are still many good Black men available. I know because I went to school with a ton of them (okay, maybe not a TON, but a good number )

Honestly, if there are Black women who are turning to other men as choice #2 and not due to a genuine attraction, then, you can be assured that they will probably not see much more success in doing so. What you think, what you feel, all of that is projected. If the dating comes from desperation, the men will sense this and run in the other direction.

ITA with the bolded.

Personally, I have always been attracted to men of all three races. Because I am open that way, it's projected and all three races of men are attracted to me as well. This has gone on since elementary school.

 

[MD_Lady]

Hmm, how can I explain this without ranting?? Once upon a time, my cousins, my sister and I were lamenting about men and the topic of interracial dating came up. We all grew up in San Antonio, TX and for those of yall who don't know, there are not a lot of black folks around here (something like 6%). The majority of black men here date Mexican women--not exclusively but that seems to be their preference--so that leaves us black women to fend for ourselves. Three of us, myself included, have dated outside our race but one of my cousins and my twin sister are completely against dating anyone but black men.

My oldest cousin (who has had men fawning all over her since she was 16 and is set to marry a white/Korean man) said "black men date outside the race by choice; but we do it because we have to" SAY WORD!!! My last few relationships were with whites/hispanics but that is really not how I planned it. If I could find a black man who treated me as well as they did, I would be picking wedding dresses as we speak. I say all that to say, do you think we (black women) really want to date outside the race or are we just making lemonade?

I'd like to think BW are dating interracially because they've realized that genuine compatibility can be found outside of the black race. IMO, a lot of the lemonade-making you talk about comes from the fact that many BW put all of their eggs in the BM basket and put race ahead of compatibility.

 

[Cheleigh]

I've taken all comers.

Seriously though, my first serious BF was white (nicest guy too) and so I never felt like I dated white guys out of desperation. I think it really opened me up to looking at a guy in his totality. I've dated BM (of all shades from lily white to special dark) exclusively in my later years, but if through some crazy circumstance my SO and I parted ways...I'd again be open to whomever I was attracted to and who treated me with love, kindness, and respect.

I guess I just like the menfolk period (although I've never happened to go down the Asian path, simply because the one Asian guy I know who was attracted to me told me about 5 years after the fact)!

 

[joib]

I would like to know do white, asian, mexican women have this problem with finding a man in thier own race? HELL NO. i think we (BW) have a problem because so many of our men are with other women. It reminds me of elementary school, when you are getting picked to play on a team. It never fells, the same kid getting picked last will always get picked last(in school that is). Because I am a black women living in California,I feel like I am getting picked last. I took my nephew to the Home and Garden show and EVERY black man was there with someone other than black. The BW there were either by themselves(like me) or with friends.I want a black man but I am sick and tired of waiting. If a white women wants a good white man-no problems. If an asian women wants a good asian man - no problems. If a spanish women wants a good spanish man- no problems. Why do we have to be any different? I am swimming in the hay stack getting poked with what i think are needles and they are nothing but hard pieces of hay. I am sick of it. I am 36 years old with no children waiting for MR. RIGHT. I have come to realize that MY MR. RIGHT IS NOT BLACK.

 

[IWantBSl09]

Yeah like its understandable for a black woman to want a black man (cuz we are both umm...black lol), but what I don't get is when you see many black men with non-black women and these black women who only date black men will wait on life and limb until a "good" black man comes. Life is tooooo short to wait on anyone. Period. It's like you don't see the black men waiting on us, so why are you? In all sense, there is a double standard when it comes to women in most societies and I believe this is one of them.

I can't picture waiting on someone who doesn't want to be with me b/c of my "dark butt".

What I also don't get is when black men who wouldn't even give me the time of day get all madd and pissed when they see my white bf on my arm and most of the time they have some "light and bright"/white/hispanic/asian chick on their arm!

 

[joib]

"Dark Butts" You must have seen that same video on you tube, all I could do was laugh when I seen it. I was so livid. OMG, I totally understand what you are talking about. My mothers boyfriend was white and when they would go out, black men were evil. She is light skinned but I don't think that made a difference. They would get dirty looks, shoves, or nasty comments. You know, the bad thing about me is I have always been attracted to white men. I am working on me at the moment but when I am done it is going to be all about me. I think what I like about white men over black man is that white men look for the substance in a women. They look for compatability, loving, nuturing, the whole nine yards. Whereas most black men look for is "looks". It is really sad.

 

[cocoberry10]

Okay, well I personally disagree with this for myself, but to each her own.

I am involved with a white man and I chose him over various black men I dated. I did not prefer a black man, I just preferred a good man. I was not forced into making my choice, and I've always dated whomever I wanted out of free will. Even if there was a guarantee of a good black man for every good black women, I'd still be open to dating men of other races.

My current BF is far a lemon that I just settled for because I really wanted a black man instead. I dated outside my race by choice -- even though I still dated black men as well -- because I was never hung up on the idea that only a black man would be for me.

I have no problem with black women preferring black men. That makes sense to me. But I almost feel that black women are obsessed with black men to a point that's just ridiculous... folks willing to give up their dreams, goals, standards and lives just to have "a black man," and if they don't find this black man, they'll just be single. Sheeeet... never that for me! It ain't even that serious....

A man is a man is a man. If he is down for Bunny, regardless of color, he can get it. Period.

yup yup! Thanks for this answer!

 

[cocoberry10]

I would like to know do white, asian, mexican women have this problem with finding a man in thier own race? HELL NO. i think we (BW) have a problem because so many of our men are with other women.

I THINK THE NUMBER OF BLACK MEN DATING AND MARRYING OUTSIDE THE RACE IS GROSSLY EXAGERRATED BY THE MEDIA!

AT LEAST 90% OF MARRIED BLACK MEN ARE MARRIED TO BLACK WOMEN. SOOOOOOO, THE REALITY IS, EVEN THOUGH THINGS "LOOK" BAD, THEY AREN'T. AND THIS IS COMING FROM SOMEONE WHO DATES BLACK MEN AND NON-BLACK MEN B/C OF CHOICE, NOT BECAUSE I HAVE TO DO ANYTHING I DON'T WANT TO DO. I GET HIT ON BY BLACK MEN AND MEN OF ALL RACES, AND I KNOW I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE. TIS ALL

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

I think what I like about white men over black man is that white men look for the substance in a women. They look for compatability, loving, nuturing, the whole nine yards. Whereas most black men look for is "looks". It is really sad.

I think you're WAY overgeneralizing here.

For MANY, MANY, MANY men REGARDLESS of race, it is all about the looks. Some White men can actually be some of the biggest offenders here. Guy could look like Jabba the Hut and still think he should have a Victoria's Secret model on his arm.

For me, my choice of White men over Black men generally has to do with the way in which I interact with them. I'm just more comfortable and feel more free to be me without judgment. I have a rather "outside the box" personality at times, and that just doesn't jive really well with a number of Black men. In fact, I was pretty ostracized for being different growing up, particularly by Black guys. I found comfort in my White male friends who liked me just the way that I was. So, it should be a no brainer as to why I have my attraction...

Now, on the rare occasion that I DO meet a Black guy who has a similar "outside the box" personality, we get on great...

...except for the fact that I usually then find out that he has a White girlfriend. Go figure...

 

[joib]

There is a huge difference between New York and California. My sister lives there so I know. When I visit her, I don't see even close to the interracial numbers as I see here. If I do it is equal bm/wf and wm/bf. My sister is visiting now and she says the same thing. I have lots of black female friends, co-workers, and family members who are single (no choice of there own) and white female friends who have all kinds of looks and they are married. So what is your answer to why soooo many bf are not married? I get approached every day by black men, so what! That doesn't mean anything when they are not looking for "RELATIONSHIP".

 

[pinkchocolatedaisy]

Thank you!!!

I am totally the same way!

I think you're WAY overgeneralizing here.

For MANY, MANY, MANY men REGARDLESS of race, it is all about the looks. Some White men can actually be some of the biggest offenders here. Guy could look like Jabba the Hut and still think he should have a Victoria's Secret model on his arm.

For me, my choice of White men over Black men generally has to do with the way in which I interact with them. I'm just more comfortable and feel more free to be me without judgment. I have a rather "outside the box" personality at times, and that just doesn't jive really well with a number of Black men. In fact, I was pretty ostracized for being different growing up, particularly by Black guys.

Now, on the rare occasion that I DO meet a Black guy who has a similar "outside the box" personality, we get on great...

...except for the fact that I usually then find out that he has a White girlfriend. Go figure...

 

[pinkchocolatedaisy]

I really don't understand why Black women feel this way. Or for that matter any woman of any race. I have Hispanic friends that feel they should "stick to their race" as well.

I grew up with my mother being very pro Black, and anti interracial dating/marraige. Well did I surprise her when one of my first serioius bfs was not Black! He was Hispanic. We ended up having a child together. Now we're no longer together, but that's a different story. He had issues- and I've seen those same issus in Black men, white, green whatever. I am now married- very happily married- and my DH is not black. He is white and hispanic (but more white).

Like the poster before me, I actually feel more like myself around non Black guys. It's just my personality. The 1st date with my DH, we just immediately clicked. One of my first boyfriends was black. But being the same color just ain't enough. And trust he was fine, had a good job, etc. But we just weren't connecting. I never felt that I should take a pass on happiness while holding out for the right color. In a way, IMO, that seems a little racist to me.

I have Black and Hispanic friends alike that swear they "won't date no white boy (or Asian, etc)." Yet they are in these psuedo relationships with men of their own race that treat them like crap. Or maybe they don't even have a man b/c they are waiting for one of their one to come sweep them off their feet.

Life is too short for that kinda ish. Black men do it shamelessly. They will date/marry a white chick, an Asian girl, a Hispanic, etc. Color doesn't equal compatibility.