Black women date out of our race because we HAVE to...

[unalteredone]

I really don't understand why Black women feel this way. Or for that matter any woman of any race. I have Hispanic friends that feel they should "stick to their race" as well.

I grew up with my mother being very pro Black, and anti interracial dating/marraige. Well did I surprise her when one of my first serioius bfs was not Black! He was Hispanic. We ended up having a child together. Now we're no longer together, but that's a different story. He had issues- and I've seen those same issus in Black men, white, green whatever. I am now married- very happily married- and my DH is not black. He is white and hispanic (but more white).

Like the poster before me, I actually feel more like myself around non Black guys. It's just my personality. The 1st date with my DH, we just immediately clicked. One of my first boyfriends was black. But being the same color just ain't enough. And trust he was fine, had a good job, etc. But we just weren't connecting. I never felt that I should take a pass on happiness while holding out for the right color. In a way, IMO, that seems a little racist to me.

I have Black and Hispanic friends alike that swear they "won't date no white boy (or Asian, etc)." Yet they are in these psuedo relationships with men of their own race that treat them like crap. Or maybe they don't even have a man b/c they are waiting for one of their one to come sweep them off their feet.

Life is too short for that kinda ish. Black men do it shamelessly. They will date/marry a white chick, an Asian girl, a Hispanic, etc. Color doesn't equal compatibility.

ITA. All (3) of my serious relationships have been with white men. And i too feel like i feel more like myself around them than around a lot of black men. And you know what, i'm gonna be honest, i find myself more physically/sexually attracted to non black men. In high school, most of the black guys were not academically focused, always interested in "looking hard" and pretending like they were rappers/gangsters and all that mess. And i was not interested in that at all. Even in the rare instance that they were physically attractive. I figured that that wouldnt be the case anymore once i got to college, esp in the ivy league, so i left the door open for black men, but i never got in a relationship situation with any black guys. Only physical with one. One hispanic guy who i had a fling with had the NERVE to tell me that i should stop messing around with white boys because a black woman should never have to go outside of the realm of "men of color" when his last serious gf had been white!erplexed

My current bf is white. I've never been treated better in my life than i have with him, and that's what really matters.

 

[IWantBSl09]

ITA. All (3) of my serious relationships have been with white men. And i too feel like i feel more like myself around them than around a lot of black men. And you know what, i'm gonna be honest, i find myself more physically/sexually attracted to non black men. In high school, most of the black guys were not academically focused, always interested in "looking hard" and pretending like they were rappers/gangsters and all that mess. And i was not interested in that at all. Even in the rare instance that they were physically attractive. I figured that that wouldnt be the case anymore once i got to college, esp in the ivy league, so i left the door open for black men, but i never got in a relationship situation with any black guys. Only physical with one. One hispanic guy who i had a fling with had the NERVE to tell me that i should stop messing around with white boys because a black woman should never have to go outside of the realm of "men of color" when his last serious gf had been white!erplexed

My current bf is white. I've never been treated better in my life than i have with him, and that's what really matters.

Yup, because there is always a double standard for women and it goes back to the saying "do as I say, not as I do"

 

[Denise11]

Although my bf is black, I find men of other races more attractive than most black men. Maybe that's why it has never really bothered me when black men choose white women. Cause I don't want most of them anyway.

 

[FluffyRed]

I have dated a couple of white guys when I was not sexually active (very young). They normally started with friendships that developed. I have a wall up when it comes to white males. After being harassed in public for IR dating, it became something that I would not actively seek, but if it happened, then OK.

Just TONIGHT, I met this older white guy and felt some crazy sexual chemistry with him. We talked, and arranged to meet up again... I'm actually thinking about him a LOT!

I don't think that has ever happened, in ten+ years!!!

I guess that does not answer the question. I kinda do feel that the way IR dating has gone, with BM embracing it in large numbers first, more BW in general have felt the necessity to broaden their horizons as well.

However, I don't think one should look at dating any individual as something she "has" to do.

3

 

[Gigi-07]

personally, i believe it's a bad idea to only consider dating outside of your race because you think this is the only way to obtain a man. it just seems like a bad mindset to have when you are looking for a partner. i think if you're going to date ir then you should already be attracted to non-black men and see them as a genuine option and not just the last resort.

i understand that some will mainly (or only) date non-black men due to environment but they shouldn't be using the "there are no black men so i have to date non-black" excuse to "justify" their actions. by doing that, i question whether they were really into their partners (or just settling), if they would have dated black men were the option available to them and how comfortable they really are with their choices.

if you're going to date "out" then own it and be comfortable in your choice. don't come up with excuses for why you "had" to do it. imo, if some were that concerned about dating black men exclusively despite their nearly all white environment then they'd be actively seeking them out at all-black events, connecting with mutual friends, going online and even re-locating.

ITA with all of this. Well put.

 

[spelmanlocks]

There is a huge difference between New York and California. My sister lives there so I know. When I visit her, I don't see even close to the interracial numbers as I see here. If I do it is equal bm/wf and wm/bf. My sister is visiting now and she says the same thing. I have lots of black female friends, co-workers, and family members who are single (no choice of there own) and white female friends who have all kinds of looks and they are married. So what is your answer to why soooo many bf are not married? I get approached every day by black men, so what! That doesn't mean anything when they are not looking for "RELATIONSHIP".

This is true, I have family and friends out in California and one thing I notice is that my female cousins and my best friend over there frequently say most of the black men over there do date non-black women mostly. I have two guy cousins over there and one is in a long term relationship with a Mexican girl. I asked him about it and he claims he couldn't find a black woman out in San Diego so he's never seriously dated one. Personally, I'd have to move. Being in love and married is great, well for me anyway, and I just don't think anyone should miss out on it because some black men have decided they only want a non black woman.

 

[FluffyRed]

More thoughts on this issue.

I kinda say I don't do much IR dating because of the average education level/class/culture of the males in this area. They're kinda rednecky around here. If I were living in a bigger city, I would probably judge each person more on their personal qualities. I don't have a positive view of my going to meet a redneck guy's family. I know that's an unfair generalization. When I'm around a different class of male, I am an equal oppty dater. Maybe that makes me classist?

Also, I think part of the eas of dating white men that some spoke of is that you're already "different" to each other. There are fewer behavior expectations between a black f and a white m. When I date a black male, I fall into a pattern, usually am more physical earlier. A 6'2" guy with rippling muscles and brown skin is pretty irresistible. Even if nothing physical happens, I am staring and drooling across the dinner table.

With a white guy, I'm usually more friendly first. If I touch his arm or something, I'm distracted by the contrast. Usually I'm not picturing them naked smeared with Nutella all over his chest.

That waiting, and if the guy is willing to wait for chemistry to develop, is usually indicative of a deeper interest and will make for a better relationship, IMO.

 

[sunflower]

Okay, well I personally disagree with this for myself, but to each her own.

I am involved with a white man and I chose him over various black men I dated. I did not prefer a black man, I just preferred a good man. I was not forced into making my choice, and I've always dated whomever I wanted out of free will. Even if there was a guarantee of a good black man for every good black women, I'd still be open to dating men of other races.

My current BF is far a lemon that I just settled for because I really wanted a black man instead. I dated outside my race by choice -- even though I still dated black men as well -- because I was never hung up on the idea that only a black man would be for me.

I have no problem with black women preferring black men. That makes sense to me. But I almost feel that black women are obsessed with black men to a point that's just ridiculous... folks willing to give up their dreams, goals, standards and lives just to have "a black man," and if they don't find this black man, they'll just be single. Sheeeet... never that for me! It ain't even that serious....

A man is a man is a man. If he is down for Bunny, regardless of color, he can get it. Period.

I wish I could thank you a thousand times for this post.

 

[Bunny77]

I wish I could thank you a thousand times for this post.

Oh wow, how much has changed since that post...

(Actually not the philosophy... that's DEFINITELY never going to change. Just no more SO... he was a lemon! )

But I'm still going to be dating all sorts of men, and still won't give a darn if they happen to be melanin-challenged!

 

[Belle Creole]

I think a lot of black women are doing this. They are dating out because they are not finding what they want amongst the pool of black men. Black men were preference #1.

Personally I think it's a bit pathetic. I have yet to have any experiences that lead me to believe I need to be that desperate. Whomever I date it's because they meet a general criteria, not because I couldn't get what I wanted in the color I wanted.
BW have let the media hoodwink them and they've refused to consider the factor MissNadi laid out as well as self presentation/the package.
On a side note if there aren't many quality black men perhaps black women, who by in large raise these men need to look at themselves.

OMG

That's a whole separate thread

 

[UmSumayyah]

OMG

That's a whole separate thread

Maybe I'll start it. Because I am a good mother but I KNOW that there's no way in heck I could expect a great outcome, especially with my SONS, without their FATHER around to help raise them and do a little thing called showing them how to be a man.

 

[MizAvalon]

Maybe I'll start it. Because I am a good mother but I KNOW that there's no way in heck I could expect a great outcome, especially with my SONS, without their FATHER around to help raise them and do a little thing called showing them how to be a man.

I hope you do start it. That would be a fascinating discussion.

 

[cluelezz]

I personally have never attracted a non-thug black male. I'm currently dating a white male, but I have noticed the double standard. People always look at us funny, but if there's a black male with a non black female, they get no looks. And once, in the BSS some girl had a loud outburst at the sight of us.

I don't think black women have to date outside of their race, but being open to more possibilities gives more options.

 

[healthynhappy]

Without having read most of the posts, my opinion is this:

Black women DO NOT date out of their race because they have to. Most black women date out of their race because they want to.

I chose my DH and believe me, I wasn't settling.

Actually, I surprised myself when I hooked up with him because he wasn't even on my radar. But prior to him, during one of our many breakups before we finally got it together and tied the knot, and even now as a married woman, I have no problem whatsoever catching the attention of a black, white or any other kind of man.

Perhaps it depends on where you live, but I have a hard time believing the situation is that morose that black women are forced to be with someone they don't even want.

 

[MizAvalon]

I personally have never attracted a non-thug black male. I'm currently dating a white male, but I have noticed the double standard. People always look at us funny, but if there's a black male with a non black female, they get no looks. And once, in the BSS some girl had a loud outburst at the sight of us.

I don't think black women have to date outside of their race, but being open to more possibilities gives more options.

OMG-A loud outburst? What kind of outburst? Did she laugh or yell out or something?

 

[Latomian]

Why can't it be just b/c of Love? I mean, some guys are absolutely beautiful, regardless of colour. I'm looking for love so nothing as trivial as race or "societal standards/norms" is gonna keep me from it.

 

[trj1922]

Why can't it be just b/c of Love? I mean, some guys are absolutely beautiful, regardless of colour. I'm looking for love so nothing as trivial as race or "societal standards/norms" is gonna keep me from it.

ITA! Besides, they're ALL the same color in the dark!

 

[pinkchocolatedaisy]

I was having a similar discussion today with my girlfriends at work. They are all Hispanic, though but seem to have the same attitude. One of my friends hasn't been on a date in ages and she's in her mid 30s. She is always talking about how she wants to have a baby, etc all that good stuff. But she's not putting herself out there. So just recently my other friend has tried to set her up w/one of her male friends. But this girl is acting all funny, saying "but I don't like White guys..." Now there is nothing wrong w/having your personal preference, but she has never dated a white guy. She just has the same typical attitude that she has to have someone from her own race (we've had the discussion MANY times in our group). Finally, today, I just blurted out: "well it's not like your phone is blowing up with Mexican guys trying to holler at you." I wasn't tyring to be mean, but it was true. We all got a laugh out of it. We told her she should give it a chance. I mean, this guy seems to meet all the other criteria she's seeking in a man: he's employed (something in real estate), he's educated, etc... so why let something like color keep you away from potential happiness?

I hope she gives it a chance...at least.

 

[imstush]

Yup, because there is always a double standard for women and it goes back to the saying "do as I say, not as I do"

very true. My uncle and my friend who both only date every kind of women except BW, had a fit when I told them I was attracted to WM. OMG They hit the roof and told me they better not ever see me with a WM. Blah blah blah

I've dated 2 WM in my life - love is love, re of skin color.

 

[Valerie]

very true. My uncle and my friend who both only date every kind of women except BW, had a fit when I told them I was attracted to WM. OMG They hit the roof and told me they better not ever see me with a WM. Blah blah blah

I've dated 2 WM in my life - love is love, re of skin color.

If that is how they behave, you have to concentrate on your happiness and don't bother with them, even if they hit the roof. At the end of the day, we all want love and companionship and it seems to be, that there is a preverse pleasure that BW should be single, if they are not with a black man. But BM are entitled to have relationships and or/marry non-black women, if they want to, God bless them and as long as they are happy, I can only wish them the best, but BW have feelings and needs too, it is almost like people don't realise it, or we must sacrifice ourselves and when we do, we are the ones who end up bitter and alone, while BM are happily getting on with their lives. As long as you and God is happy with your choice of man and God has given us an abundance of men to choose from, that is fine, others who don't like, you take them to God and he will really deal with them. He is like a jealous God, over his own and he would deal with anyone who tries to hurt you, even if they be blood relatives.

 

[Blu217]

I don't HAVE to do anything. I like white guys just fine *shrugs.* I'm open to a man of any race; race really isn't where it is for me. I'm much more focused on character, how I'm treated, how he's conducted his life and set himself up for his own success and our general compatibility. I am a black woman with multicultural interests, I branch out, I know all types of people and explore all kinds of things so I fit in well in many different places. So perhaps that's why I don't place a premium on race; it doesn't guarantee compatibility for me.

 

[BGT]

I think you're WAY overgeneralizing here.

For MANY, MANY, MANY men REGARDLESS of race, it is all about the looks. Some White men can actually be some of the biggest offenders here. Guy could look like Jabba the Hut and still think he should have a Victoria's Secret model on his arm.

For me, my choice of White men over Black men generally has to do with the way in which I interact with them. I'm just more comfortable and feel more free to be me without judgment. I have a rather "outside the box" personality at times, and that just doesn't jive really well with a number of Black men. In fact, I was pretty ostracized for being different growing up, particularly by Black guys. I found comfort in my White male friends who liked me just the way that I was. So, it should be a no brainer as to why I have my attraction...

Now, on the rare occasion that I DO meet a Black guy who has a similar "outside the box" personality, we get on great...

...except for the fact that I usually then find out that he has a White girlfriend. Go figure...

Although my bf is black, I find men of other races more attractive than most black men. Maybe that's why it has never really bothered me when black men choose white women. Cause I don't want most of them anyway.

Ahhhh... this is so true of me. I am more attracted to non-black makes compared to black males because they are the ones I was surrounded by the most while growing up. I was in the Gifted/Talented program in middle school and then went to a college-prep high school and took mostly advanced/honors/AP classes there. Out of 35 students in a class, maybe 3 or 4 would be black, and 70-80% of the black students were female. In high school, I mostly liked white, Asian and Indian guys (the Indian guys were so FINE! )So, it's hard for me to be attracted to someone who I'm never around, well, besides family.

Add that to the fact that I like tennis, classical and pop/rock music, want to be a wedding planner, and I can be a bit intimidating... that can be a bit too much for some BM to handle.

Plus, my sister always said I was the perfect BF for a WM to date: long hair (before I cut it) big boobs, and "white girl" personality. Heck, she even predicted when I was 7 that I'd marry a white guy, but I HATED boys back then.

 

[cheetarah1980]

If I hear or read one more word about the good black man shortage or how black men are flocking in droves to non-black women I'm ging to
92% of married black men are married to black women. That's more than 9 out of every 10. Is interracial dating more prevelant in some areas than others? Yes. However, I really believe that a lot of black women internalize things that AREN'T about them. I also believe that if you tell yourself there are no good black men, that becomes your reality. I know quite a few great black men who are single and educated w/ careers and no kids and no ex-wives. Maybe if we stop treating them like some mythical unicorn that we'd only be so lucky to catch, they wouldn't behave that way and thus be so elusive.

As for me, I wouldn't date any man who was broadening his option cause his first pick wasn't available. That's insulting. I date who I'm attracted to, period. I have a thing for all different types of men: white guys w/ red hair who play guitar; tall extremely dark-skinned black men w/ perfect white teeth; brown-haired white guys with 5 days of stubble, and the list goes on and on. Heck, right now I'm loving any man with a British accent (Idris, call me!). My criteria tends to focus on character and class (not elitist, just realistic). As long as the packaging is attractive to me, I could care less what race it is.
My best friend says that I'll probably wind up married to a white guy because my interests typically don't appeal to the majority of black men. I love country line dancing, running marathons, tae kwon do, and 80s dance nights. I don't see too many black men doing any of those activities. That's just a matter of circumstance, not planning.

 

[cheetarah1980]

OH yeah, I think living in Cali has done a lot of damage to a lot of black women. NOT a good look.