Develop An Appetite According To What Your Husband Can Provide

[bklynLadee]

Okay so...Im reading through this thread:

https://longhaircareforum.com/threads/entitlement-value-the-pedestal-black-girl-to-wife.799201/


And I begin to really think through my marriage...my relationships with men actually.

Growing up, I always got what I wanted, at least more than my sisters. My sisters felt that I was inconsiderate and I just felt like "you have not because you ask not" the word "no" never really mattered to me because some how my parents would always turn around and give me what I wanted.

Fast forward to me being married and I find myself always bending to his needs. Even before marriage it was like this but it got worse when I received this advice from a Christian woman who was successfully married for 19 years and counting.

"Develop an appetite according to what your husband can provide" --she said.
"Don't put your trust and expectations in your husband -give it to God" --she said.
"You're husband is not your source, God is your source" -- she said.

And so, two years into my marriage I began to put on my muzzle --- demanded even less and decided to understand.

Now --- I'm left hungry. And it's my fault because I allowed it. But i'd like to consider the advice she gave as a BETA trial period. Can I roll out a new motto? Has anyone re-routed a selfish husband into a selfless one? I need some role reversal.

 

[Dee-Licious]

I haven't been through this per se, but I'm kinda petty and will go tit for tat when I'm not being mature.
If your husband is being selfish, I'd try to tell him with words. If that didn't work, I showed him with actions by being selfish then he'd understand what you mean. That's not mature advice but maybe effective advice lol.

 

[Kanky]

I tell my husband what I want. I don't negotiate or compromise in my head first, he hears exactly what I want. Then he either gives me what I want (most of the time) or we compromise but he is aware of exactly how close to what I want he is coming. I have noticed that a lot of women compromise before they even start asking for what they want which is why they end up settling for a lot less than they should.


eta: my husband is generous and likes to make me happy. I'm not sure how well this would go with a more selfish man. But I think that whether your husband changes or not he should be aware of exactly how far his actions are from your expectations.

 

[1QTPie]

It's not too late to start asking or demanding what you want. You know your husband better than anyone, you know how to address him. I wish you happiness, marriage is a full-time job.

 

[Femmefatal1981]

Yeah...that was terrible advice but I'm not shocked considering the source. My philosophy is my husband will provide according to my appetite or go down trying. I set the standards and he meets them...it actually started the opposite where he provided so well that it increased my appetite. He tried to get lazy after the kids and I promptly reminded him that he created this monster...

 

[fula97]

Now --- I'm left hungry. And it's my fault because I allowed it. But i'd like to consider the advice she gave as a BETA trial period. Can I roll out a new motto? Has anyone re-routed a selfish husband into a selfless one? I need some role reversal.

This is my thoughts for dealing with people in general. It's much easier to set expectations upfront and in the beginning than having to get someone to retrain and modify their behaviors/expectations later on. If you set a high bar upfront there is room for concessions and modifications.

That advice is eh. Setting your expectations on what he can provide is setting a low bar, It's a snapshot in time. If we marry at 20 and are in the same position at 30 where is the growth?

 

[bklynLadee]

This is my thoughts for dealing with people in general. It's much easier to set expectations upfront and in the beginning than having to get someone to retrain and modify their behaviors/expectations later on. If you set a high bar upfront there is room for concessions and modifications.

That advice is eh. Setting your expectations on what he can provide is setting a low bar, It's a snapshot in time. If we marry at 20 and are in the same position at 30 where is the growth?

BAY BAY! You don't know what you just said!! Especially with regard to marrying at 20 and in the same position at 30. That is EXACTLY what has happened. Le sigh! I think I may pick up a few leadership books lol on performing a "Re-Org" start firing some people in my life and hiring new people -- heads will roll

 

[barbiesocialite]

Great thread OP!

I'll be back after I get my thoughts together....

 

[bklynLadee]

I haven't been through this per se, but I'm kinda petty and will go tit for tat when I'm not being mature.
If your husband is being selfish, I'd try to tell him with words. If that didn't work, I showed him with actions by being selfish then he'd understand what you mean. That's not mature advice but maybe effective advice lol.

Yeah--I've done both---and honestly it does get the point across but I fear that this may work against me because it hasn't really modified his behavior. It just makes the both of us shut down on one another.

 

[barbiesocialite]

@hopeful what say you?

 

[FlowerHair]

Maybe @hopeful can add her perspective to this...

I don't think it's too late to change your marriage!

 

[bklynLadee]

Yeah...that was terrible advice but I'm not shocked considering the source. My philosophy is my husband will provide according to my appetite or go down trying. I set the standards and he meets them...it actually started the opposite where he provided so well that it increased my appetite. He tried to get lazy after the kids and I promptly reminded him that he created this monster...

Haha @ bolded

I guess I just haven't stuck to my guns long enough. Sometimes I struggle with knowing that since our high school sweet heart days he's improved leaps and bounds...problem is, is that I've also evolved and my needs have changed and have become more sophisticated (Not ashamed of this) but with this change--it's hard for him to keep up.

A part of me wants to commend him for improving but then in the same breath I'm shouting I need something more.

Its so darn simple and yet our dynamic makes it more complicated than it needs to be.

 

[bklynLadee]

Great thread OP!

I'll be back after I get my thoughts together....

Thanks! I can't wait for you to chime in!

 

[Supergirl]

I do think it's good to ask for what you want. You made a covenant with this person, so don't be afraid to ask for what you want. I didn't always follow this advice. My mother gave me this advice when I was engaged to my husband and I have tried to keep it in mind ever since. I think those of us that are "nice girls" are the ones that are slow to ask for what we want, and it takes some effort, and even takes us out of our comfort zones to do so. The great thing though is that nice girls usually get nice guys, and they want to please us and make us happy.

 

[Southernbella.]

I'm now realizing I was raised to be selfish through no fault of my own LOL. I was the baby and just assumed somebody somewhere will always get me what I want at some point because that was my experience. I took that into my marriage so you could say I lucked up on that front.

Now that I'm older and wiser I think it's something that needs to be taught to all of us. I'm sorry you got that advice.

She's not ENTIRELY wrong...I mean if you marry a middle class guy then it would be weird to have a millionaire appetite and expect your dh to work himself to death providing it. But generally, as it relates to the day to day of marriage, your needs should be met. Period. He should be protecting, providing for, and adoring you.

 

[hopeful]

@hopeful what say you?

Maybe @hopeful can add her perspective to this...

I don't think it's too late to change your marriage!

You guys are sweet. You have a lot of faith in me. Thank you.

As I get older I don't believe a woman can change a man. And trying to do so or thinking one can do so is a dangerous proposition. IMO women do not have that much power. We have the power to choose well, to decide what we want, to heal ourselves, to leave, to forgive. But changing another person? Convincing another person that we deserve better from them? I don't think so.

If a man has it in him to hurt you, he will, and there is nothing you can do about it, except to leave IMO. I honestly believe most men know exactly what we want and some choose to not give us what we want because it does not feel good to them, because they don't want to, or they deeply believe that it is you who should be serving them. We live in a society that prizes men above women, that blames women when they are raped, and convinces women it is their responsibility to fix a broken marriage. And many men buy into that kind of thinking even if they don't say so out loud.

I think the best thing a woman can do is take back her power and self-esteem. Get back to how she felt when her dh made her feel special, and leave. Perhaps you leaving him will wake him up and encourage him to admit to and fix his selfishness. Willing to do a lot of hard work. But me personally I imagine if I were treating someone badly and they said I will give you many more chances to hurt me, I will give you time to figure this out because I love you and I want this to work, I would think they really overvalued me and I must be pretty damned special. Why else would they put themselves in such a precarious situation? When I have shown them who I am, how I feel about them, and how I value marriage?

 

[naturalmanenyc]

My favorite aunt always told me don't try to change a man because you may not like who he becomes. I took that to mean don't try to make DH more ruthless and so far it has worked. I am the less compassionate one. I get what I want or nobody gets ish. lol Well, not 100% but for the most part I get what I want and DH is convinced that is exactly what he wanted too.

I don't know what it's like to be with a selfish man. I don't think I could date, yet alone marry, a selfish man. I am the baby and after my parents divorced, I stayed with my dad. He worked a lot (still does) and made sure I had whatever I wanted. Some of his girlfriends hated that they had to cater to me. It led to him breaking up with more than one woman. I think those two things contribute to my expectations of getting what I want.

 

[barbiesocialite]

You guys are sweet. You have a lot of faith in me. Thank you.

As I get older I don't believe a woman can change a man. And trying to do so or thinking one can do so is a dangerous proposition. IMO women do not have that much power. We have the power to choose well, to decide what we want, to heal ourselves, to leave, to forgive. But changing another person? Convincing another person that we deserve better from them? I don't think so.

If a man has it in him to hurt you, he will, and there is nothing you can do about it, except to leave IMO. I honestly believe most men know exactly what we want and some choose to not give us what we want because it does not feel good to them, because they don't want to, or they deeply believe that it is you who should be serving them. We live in a society that prizes men above women, that blames women when they are raped, and convinces women it is their responsibility to fix a broken marriage. And many men buy into that kind of thinking even if they don't say so out loud.

I think the best thing a woman can do is take back her power and self-esteem. Get back to how she felt when her dh made her feel special, and leave. Perhaps you leaving him will wake him up and encourage him to admit to and fix his selfishness. Willing to do a lot of hard work. But me personally I imagine if I were treating someone badly and they said I will give you many more chances to hurt me, I will give you time to figure this out because I love you and I want this to work, I would think they really overvalued me and I must be pretty damned special. Why else would they put themselves is such a precarious situation? When I have shown them who I am, how I feel about them, and how I value marriage?

So it's a wrap?

 

[Flourishnikov]

I dont think the advice is entirely wrong either, but I believe a loving husband takes provide in meeting his wife's needs. Yes, you should ultimately put your faith in God and not in "man", but you also have to believe your husband wants to see you happy and trust him with your desires, wants and needs. I think you have to share with your husband and give him the opp to please you. Be direct with him and let him figure out how to make it happen. If he cant meet your need 100%, then he should communicate that and only then should the floor be open for compromise.

 

[Dee-Licious]

Yeah--I've done both---and honestly it does get the point across but I fear that this may work against me because it hasn't really modified his behavior. It just makes the both of us shut down on one another.

Oh, then that won't work with your husband. With mine, if he truly didn't understand my "words" when he sees my "actions" he understands and then acts accordingly to make me happier about the issue. Honestly, this is usually over small stuff sounds that kind of thing.... how sometimes you don't notice you do something until someone else does it and you can see how annoying it is.

I feel that "closed mouths don't get fed". If you're not happy with something, it's likely that it will NOT change if you don't speak up about it. You're accepting defeat before you get off the starting line.

 

[bklynLadee]

I'm now realizing I was raised to be selfish through no fault of my own LOL. I was the baby and just assumed somebody somewhere will always get me what I want at some point because that was my experience. I took that into my marriage so you could say I lucked up on that front.

Now that I'm older and wiser I think it's something that needs to be taught to all of us. I'm sorry you got that advice.

She's not ENTIRELY wrong...I mean if you marry a middle class guy then it would be weird to have a millionaire appetite and expect your dh to work himself to death providing it. But generally, as it relates to the day to day of marriage, your needs should be met. Period. He should be protecting, providing for, and adoring you.

I'm the baby in my family as well. I have NO idea how I became the "nice girl" my mom always swore I would marry a rich man because of my attitude...and she relished in it and supported it. I'm not pressed on what's going on with me right now versus the fact that I want CHANGE! LOL. I'm so tired of this bull ish and when I've read books regarding getting what you want etc...but when I do--I make it too obvious apparently. I just don't know how to manifest what I want out of my marriage with my husband. We've had family discussions with other MEN! MANLY MEN and are shocked to hear his mentality. I pride myself on being a Christian woman and I'm so thinking the "D" word

aye yi yi... the more I speak of this-- the more ridiculous this sounds. He's like a horse that needs to be broken into or something.

 

[bklynLadee]

You guys are sweet. You have a lot of faith in me. Thank you.

As I get older I don't believe a woman can change a man. And trying to do so or thinking one can do so is a dangerous proposition. IMO women do not have that much power. We have the power to choose well, to decide what we want, to heal ourselves, to leave, to forgive. But changing another person? Convincing another person that we deserve better from them? I don't think so.

If a man has it in him to hurt you, he will, and there is nothing you can do about it, except to leave IMO. I honestly believe most men know exactly what we want and some choose to not give us what we want because it does not feel good to them, because they don't want to, or they deeply believe that it is you who should be serving them. We live in a society that prizes men above women, that blames women when they are raped, and convinces women it is their responsibility to fix a broken marriage. And many men buy into that kind of thinking even if they don't say so out loud.

I think the best thing a woman can do is take back her power and self-esteem. Get back to how she felt when her dh made her feel special, and leave. Perhaps you leaving him will wake him up and encourage him to admit to and fix his selfishness. Willing to do a lot of hard work. But me personally I imagine if I were treating someone badly and they said I will give you many more chances to hurt me, I will give you time to figure this out because I love you and I want this to work, I would think they really overvalued me and I must be pretty damned special. Why else would they put themselves is such a precarious situation? When I have shown them who I am, how I feel about them, and how I value marriage?

There are just tew many golden nuggets in this post! I agree--Can't change a man for sure. I thought I married a knight, a man of valor but it turns out i've married a coward. I'm pissed.

 

[Southernbella.]

I'm the baby in my family as well. I have NO idea how I became the "nice girl" my mom always swore I would marry a rich man because of my attitude...and she relished in it and supported it. I'm not pressed on what's going on with me right now versus the fact that I want CHANGE! LOL. I'm so tired of this bull ish and when I've read books regarding getting what you want etc...but when I do--I make it too obvious apparently. I just don't know how to manifest what I want out of my marriage with my husband. We've had family discussions with other MEN! MANLY MEN and are shocked to hear his mentality. I pride myself on being a Christian woman and I'm so thinking the "D" word

aye yi yi... the more I speak of this-- the more ridiculous this sounds. He's like a horse that needs to be broken into or something.

If it's not too personal, can you give an example of what you're talking about? Because my first instinct is that this can all be overcome but if the issues are really serious then that's different.

 

[LiftedUp]

"Develop an appetite according to what your husband can provide" --she said.

I took the advice to mean differently. For example, if your husband could afford a $30,000 house then live in a $30,000. Don't put the extra to purchase $60,000. When he can afford the $60,000 house then move into the $60,000 house. You live within your husband's means. Now it doesn't mean that you wouldn't encourage him to work towards that $60,000 house etc. but it's not your duty to provide shelter for your family. At least that's what my mother and the women in my family advocate I don't think that it means you cannot have standards etc. However, note, if you're not willing to lower your standards to that $30,000, then you need to marry a man who can put you immediately in that $60,000 house bracket.

 

[blackgurll]

Not a Christian, but...

"Develop an appetite according to what your husband can provide" --she said.
"Don't put your trust and expectations in your husband -give it to God" --she said.
"You're husband is not your source, God is your source" -- she said

But is he able to provide yet unwilling to? She didn't say "Develop an appetite according to what your husband is willing to provide." If he can but won't that's a no no.

Also wanted to point out that just because she's married 19 years doesn't make it a successful marriage. It's not successful if it only works for one party.

My husband makes my happiness a priority, and that should always be the case. He's heard you already. If he won't take care of your needs, then pointedly forget his and take care of your own.
Petty? Maybe, but whatever works.

 

[summertimewine]

There are just tew many golden nuggets in this post! I agree--Can't change a man for sure. I thought I married a knight, a man of valor but it turns out i've married a coward. I'm pissed.

Ouch this is pretty harsh.
If you married a man based off of certain values that you thought were genuine and true then those values are still within him. When you see the cowardice what does it look like? Does he not cover you? Do you feel like he is your protector? Maybe it's as simple as working together to figure out each other's love languages. Like you, my love language is gifts (and touch). So I communicate that often to my FH by giving a lot of positive feedback when he indulges my love languages.
In what ways do you feel you give to much? You might be indulging in love languages that he does not invest in, so he doesn't pay any attention to what you're doing.

 

[qchelle]

Good thread!

 

[hopeful]

So it's a wrap?

Probably. Because of what I know. My comments may seem harsh, but they come from me knowing the back story. OP can't share everything publicly, nor should she. Sometimes people have pm'd me beforehand and over time, then when I post in a thread I'm bringing all of the info I have. Others only have what is posted publicly.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Probably. Because of what I know. My comments may seem harsh, but they come from me knowing the back story. OP can't share everything publicly, nor should she. Sometimes people have pm'd me beforehand and over time, then when I post in a thread I'm bringing all of the info I have. Others only have what is posted publicly.

OP is young with a bright future, it's not the end of the world.

 

[hopeful]

OP is young with a bright future, it's not the end of the world.

It certainly isn't.