ladysaraii
Well-Known Member
http://www.rwddh.com
Some of your advice sounded similar. I heard about the blog on here, but I can't remember who mentioned it.
Develop An Appetite According To What Your Husband Can Provide
- Thread starter bklynLadee
- Start date
http://www.rwddh.com
Some of your advice sounded similar. I heard about the blog on here, but I can't remember who mentioned it.
Honey Bee
Well-Known Member
I actually come at things from the opposite perspective 
, but modern men need to be encouraged sometimes.barbiesocialite
Well-Known Member
This is save-able, I think, but the first thing you need to do is change completely.Or, rather, go back to who you once were, but better. He met you as you were, with actual expectations and stuff, and you've changed. Back in the day, how did you handle it when you wanted something and didn't get it? I'm asking, what's your personality type? Did you become more demanding, did you freeze them out, what? That will determine your new, more grown up approach. He needs to become aware of your wrath, lol.
He has changes to make too, obviously, but we're not talking to him. The most useful thing we can do here is to tell you how to 'encourage an environment of change'.
People often say, 'You can't change a man.' Maybe not, but you can change your reaction to said man. If he stops getting what he wants with so little effort, he might be encouraged to expend a little more. Or vice versa. If you tell your man, 'I will do that sexy thing you like if you do xyz', his @ss is gon move.
I'm going to let @bklynLadee speak for herself but I can kinda shed a lil light that might be useful to this post. Her husband and I share the same birthday. Meh. So he's a Pisces, shes a Libra.
And you know how I'm always complaining that I attract my mother as friends? --BK is one of them. But kinda like a refined trained version. Above all else, shes loyal. Trustworthy, meh. That baby of the family makes her vulnerable. Lol. At the same time, by chahacter she's all nice, patient and accomodating n ish. She lives for being empathetic and understanding. She's naggy like a youngest child but hands down she's a lover not a fighter. BK is everything my mother is but a more refined version in that she's cognizant of emotional availability. She's someone who is almost always "present", feel me. Like feelings are important to her. Your feelings. Her feelings. Man, I'm like *** everybody's feelings cept mine. Usually i be like *** ny feelings too. I wish I could care about other human beings a tenth as much as BK
<-- that's kinda the best way I can describe her, if that makes sense.
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Honey Bee
Well-Known Member
I'm going to let @bklynLadee speak for herself but I can kinda shed a lil light that might be useful to this post. Her husband and I share the same birthday. Meh. So he's a Pisces, shes a Libra.
And you know how I'm always complaining that I attract my mother as friends? --BK is one of them. But kinda like a refined trained version. She's all nice, patient and accomodating not ish. She lives for being empathetic and understanding. She's naggy like a youngest child but hands down she's a lover not a fighter. BK is everything my mother is but a more refined version in that she's cognizant of emotional availability. She's someone who is almost always "present", feel me. Like feelings are important to her. Your feelings. Her feelings. Man, I'm like *** everybody's feelings cept mine. Usually i be like *** ny feelings too. I wish I could care about other human beings a tenth as much as BK
Well then my advice should work even better. There should be a measure of kindness and care in my approach. Otherwise it can come across kinda rrddh.com/ 'femdom-y', apparently.
She obviously loves this man and doesn't want to hurt him. This shouldn't cause 'pain', it's just a lil gentle behavior modification. barbiesocialite
Well-Known Member
Well then my advice should work even better. There should be a measure of kindness and care in my approach. Otherwise it can come across kinda rrddh.com/ 'femdom-y', apparently.
Y'all kind similar in a way. She and I are like night and day. I'm a dick. Lmao. I try to keep my opinions at a minimum. What works for me might be different. You two however share a lot in common, matter of factly--birth order, relationship length, some character traits etc. (Coincidentally you also share the same alma mater). She's gentle with a very feminine temperament. Not to be mistaken with an overwhelmingly maternal temperment like mine, but feminine as in naturally more gentle and sensitive. That said, hopefully your type of feedback--and others similar-- may be a good fit for BK.
Honey Bee
Well-Known Member
Oh really? Hey girl! @bklynLadeeY'all kind similar in a way. She and I are like night and day. I'm a dick. Lmao. I try to keep my opinions at a minimum. What works for me might be different. You two however share a lot in common, matter of factly--birth order, relationship length, some character traits etc. (Coincidentally you also share the same alma mata). She's gentle with a very feminine temperament. Not to be mistaken with an overwhelmingly maternal temperment like mine, but feminine as in naturally more gentle and sensitive. That said, hopefully your type of feedback--and others similar-- may be a good fit for BK.
The similarities between us are probably Venus-related. Being with a water sign myself, it's easy to get swept up in their feelings and trying to maintain a certain mood while forgetting/ sublimating our own needs. It's tricky because, on one hand, we try to maintain a pleasant, non stressful atmosphere. Otoh, we want what we want. It takes a conscious effort to work towards the latter vs the former. You have to find the right balance.
Quick reply because my baby just hit the power button of the computer, and I lost everything I typed.
Go to counselling if he's willing to, you seem to have a rather good man in your hands even if he doesn't put on the work to show you how much he loves you.
Sorry if I missed it, but if you say "I want xyz for my birthday" does he comply? Or is it his lack of planning that upset you?
Take care of you! that 1st year with a baby is no joke (((hugs)))
Go to counselling if he's willing to, you seem to have a rather good man in your hands even if he doesn't put on the work to show you how much he loves you.
Sorry if I missed it, but if you say "I want xyz for my birthday" does he comply? Or is it his lack of planning that upset you?
Take care of you! that 1st year with a baby is no joke (((hugs)))
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barbiesocialite
Well-Known Member
I have a question, I might make a thread about it.....
If you receive a present you don't like what do you do? If someone takes you somewhere you don't like do you stay because their intentions were good?
I say:
1. Tell them to take it back and get something new
2. Refuse to stay/demand to leave in favor of somewhere you actually want to go.
Intentions mean very little to me. Who cares about good intentions of your intentions miss the mark. To me that's like applauding and praising wrongness. Missing the mark is what hurts my feelings so that should be my focus.
If you receive a present you don't like what do you do? If someone takes you somewhere you don't like do you stay because their intentions were good?
I say:
1. Tell them to take it back and get something new
2. Refuse to stay/demand to leave in favor of somewhere you actually want to go.
Intentions mean very little to me. Who cares about good intentions of your intentions miss the mark. To me that's like applauding and praising wrongness. Missing the mark is what hurts my feelings so that should be my focus.
awhyley
Well-Known Member
^^^ This needs to be done gently. I understand that missing the mark is not cool, because generally is means that they didn't research enough or put enough time in, but negative reactions to good intentions can mean that they stop trying all together, making things worse.
LeftRightRepeat
Well-Known Member
oh did they just have a baby. That can be a hard adjustment, and it was def a difficult one for my marriage. I agree that if he will go to counselling y'all should def try that.
It's really hard for me to tell someone to leave her husband if they have a child and there's no abuse or cheating going on...(but this also may be because my "love language" is different from the OP , so I have to try hard to relate to what she's saying...sorry!)
hopeful
Well-Known Member
You should be able to say thank you, but I'd prefer ____. As I get older, I believe if you are constantly having to say this either repeatedly for the same thing or just in general always feeling unsatisfied and feeling the need to OVERcommunicate, something is off, there is a mismatch, the person is passive aggressive, the person is selfish, the person just isn't the one. When men have a few qualities a woman likes, she may overlook the stuff she doesn't and try to wish the bad things away. I honestly think women should focus more on a man's bad qualities than the good, because it is those bad qualities that will keep her up late at night and are likely a hint of something lurking beneath the surface that she can't or hasn't even seen yet.
barbiesocialite
Well-Known Member
Article?
hopeful
Well-Known Member
The op. Shaddup
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Lol.
PhonyBaloney500
Well-Known Member
Just saw a young white British woman cuss out her black boyfriend for not holding her hand while crossing the street and thought of this thread. She was like "so I'm crossing the road and I'm with my boyfriend. Do you think you want to hold my hand, yeah?" Looked nicer than it sounded and was louder. He snatched that hand up quick.
Dh bought me a red velvet cake for my bday custom made with the sweetest words
I hate red velvet cake!!!!
Hate it!!!!!
I told him the 3 flavors of cake I like which he knows! Lol
I didn't tell him I didn't like it
I gushed over it and took pictures and etc
Ummmm he said he wanted to surprise me and do something different since that's what I say I like when he does something different
I ate a huge piece then took the rest to my family!!!
I hate red velvet cake!!! It took everything in me not to say that when he came in as I know it was an expensive cake from my favorite place ummmm
Plus I did say I like surprises and things that are different lmao
Men!
Marriage!
Lol
I hate red velvet cake!!!!
Hate it!!!!!
I told him the 3 flavors of cake I like which he knows! Lol
I didn't tell him I didn't like it
I gushed over it and took pictures and etc
Ummmm he said he wanted to surprise me and do something different since that's what I say I like when he does something different
I ate a huge piece then took the rest to my family!!!
I hate red velvet cake!!! It took everything in me not to say that when he came in as I know it was an expensive cake from my favorite place ummmm
Plus I did say I like surprises and things that are different lmao
Men!
Marriage!
Lol
Jas123
The Star of a Story
This is totally me!Oh really? Hey girl! @bklynLadee
The similarities between us are probably Venus-related. Being with a water sign myself, it's easy to get swept up in their feelings and trying to maintain a certain mood while forgetting/ sublimating our own needs. It's tricky because, on one hand, we try to maintain a pleasant, non stressful atmosphere. Otoh, we want what we want. It takes a conscious effort to work towards the latter vs the former. You have to find the right balance.
barbiesocialite
Well-Known Member
That sounds like some crap id say cept i dont care about hand holding. Im usually like "so youre just gonna let me get hit by this car???"
You better walk on the outside or in front of me.
My mama said a man is always supposed to walk ahead so if a car comes it wi hit him first.
I wanted to smash that cake into a million pieces 
I love cake and just knew it was gonna be my fav flavor, surprise boo it's not! Lmao smgdh
Deep sigh.
I will tell him. Trust that is not going down again lol
I love cake and just knew it was gonna be my fav flavor, surprise boo it's not! Lmao smgdh
Deep sigh.
I will tell him. Trust that is not going down again lol
^^^ Ya did good Lux
(You'll still need to tell him though, at a good time, so that he doesn't think that it's a hit and does again next year.)
Honey Bee
Well-Known Member
I don't even like cake, but SO has been pre-emptively informed that I will only eat carrot, pound, or cheesecakes. Don't play with me.I wanted to smash that cake into a million pieces
I love cake and just knew it was gonna be my fav flavor, surprise boo it's not! Lmao smgdh
Deep sigh.
I will tell him. Trust that is not going down again lol
Mind you, I don't even like cake.
bklynLadee
Well-Known Member
I'm going to let @bklynLadee speak for herself but I can kinda shed a lil light that might be useful to this post. Her husband and I share the same birthday. Meh. So he's a Pisces, shes a Libra.
And you know how I'm always complaining that I attract my mother as friends? --BK is one of them. But kinda like a refined trained version. Above all else, shes loyal. Trustworthy, meh. That baby of the family makes her vulnerable. Lol. At the same time, by chahacter she's all nice, patient and accomodating n ish. She lives for being empathetic and understanding. She's naggy like a youngest child but hands down she's a lover not a fighter. BK is everything my mother is but a more refined version in that she's cognizant of emotional availability. She's someone who is almost always "present", feel me. Like feelings are important to her. Your feelings. Her feelings. Man, I'm like *** everybody's feelings cept mine. Usually i be like *** ny feelings too. I wish I could care about other human beings a tenth as much as BK
@barbiesocialite is right, I'm very nice, very considerate. I'm a go with the flow type of person and it really doesn't bother me to do so. I don't have strong preferences. I enjoy my personal space but I prefer to do the things I like to do alone. When in a group, I don't mind doing what the group wants unless I vehemently oppose--then there is no moving me. When I was younger ---I was very inconsiderate, mean-spirited and always angry. Some how I outgrew that especially being trained in counseling it taught me to be more self-aware and to not take things personally so quickly and to not be easily offended, a lot of times things have nothing to do with me, but the persons own bs.
bklynLadee
Well-Known Member
Hey Giorls @barbiesocialite & @Honey_bee
Hola Como Estas lol
I am so chilling right now. I'm a bit upset that I'm still not really getting the reaction from him that I want but he'll break down eventually.
DH is a decent guy. Top performer at his job, at any job he's ever been at. All around needed guy at church. Puts me and our daughter first financially and as soon as he's not at work, he's spending quality time with us.
He was the type to go to Sephora with me and let me shop around and entertain my conversation about makeup pretending to be interested. We would people watch and crack jokes and he would often gaze into my eyes telling me he loves me and our marriage and our baby and he's so proud.
This was just a few months ago. I don't know what demon hopped inside his arse but I think his verbose Alpha dominating mentor has been whispering or yelling in his ear.
In the past, if he didn't act right ---I'd scold at him and tell him this relationship aint gonna work. But we aren't 18 anymore. We are 30 lol. And my yelling matches used to get physical on my end ---and I'm not doing that.
At one point, I found that if I got a bit quiet, he'd come to his senses...that worked from age 24-28. From 24-28, I didn't have any trouble really with him being romantic, he wasn't a 10 but he made an effort.
I really feel like since having our daughter, and the fact that he made some risky investments that backfired on us financially ---he's "checked out" and lost his DAMN MIND (in my kevin hart yelling voice).
When I was pregnant, he was there for every appointment, but if I asked him to hurry with the crib or clear out a room it would take him 3 million years to do it. That ISH pisses me off!!! The same woman who gave me advice on developing an appetite blah blah blah said to tell him to get me a maid...he declined.
I noticed that everytime I asked him for something ---it was an issue. until his mentor would confirm that my requests were appropriate. If his mentor didn't agree--guess who not getting what they need!
My current Strategy: We sleep in separate rooms. Tomorrow, we are going to make an appointment for counseling. I don't cook or clean for him (with the exception of laundry cause we toss our clothes in the same hamper). I don't really talk to him. We take our DD to the
park. He can tell that I'm an ice **** right now so he's avoiding me as well. He always says "I want to talk to you, but I can see you need some time so i'll be patient"
He said the nanny that we talked about previously he is going to hire her for date nights.
I found a book "2002 romantic ideas" in his work bag...which I wrote personal notes inside like "hello somebody" ... "this would be nice" or "Nope, this is a hell no, don't ever do this"
To give him a healthy nudge...or shove.
Hola Como Estas lol
I am so chilling right now. I'm a bit upset that I'm still not really getting the reaction from him that I want but he'll break down eventually.
DH is a decent guy. Top performer at his job, at any job he's ever been at. All around needed guy at church. Puts me and our daughter first financially and as soon as he's not at work, he's spending quality time with us.
He was the type to go to Sephora with me and let me shop around and entertain my conversation about makeup pretending to be interested. We would people watch and crack jokes and he would often gaze into my eyes telling me he loves me and our marriage and our baby and he's so proud.
This was just a few months ago. I don't know what demon hopped inside his arse but I think his verbose Alpha dominating mentor has been whispering or yelling in his ear.
In the past, if he didn't act right ---I'd scold at him and tell him this relationship aint gonna work. But we aren't 18 anymore. We are 30 lol. And my yelling matches used to get physical on my end ---and I'm not doing that.
At one point, I found that if I got a bit quiet, he'd come to his senses...that worked from age 24-28. From 24-28, I didn't have any trouble really with him being romantic, he wasn't a 10 but he made an effort.
I really feel like since having our daughter, and the fact that he made some risky investments that backfired on us financially ---he's "checked out" and lost his DAMN MIND (in my kevin hart yelling voice).
When I was pregnant, he was there for every appointment, but if I asked him to hurry with the crib or clear out a room it would take him 3 million years to do it. That ISH pisses me off!!! The same woman who gave me advice on developing an appetite blah blah blah said to tell him to get me a maid...he declined.
I noticed that everytime I asked him for something ---it was an issue. until his mentor would confirm that my requests were appropriate. If his mentor didn't agree--guess who not getting what they need!
My current Strategy: We sleep in separate rooms. Tomorrow, we are going to make an appointment for counseling. I don't cook or clean for him (with the exception of laundry cause we toss our clothes in the same hamper). I don't really talk to him. We take our DD to the
Oh really? Hey girl! @bklynLadee
The similarities between us are probably Venus-related. Being with a water sign myself, it's easy to get swept up in their feelings and trying to maintain a certain mood while forgetting/ sublimating our own needs. It's tricky because, on one hand, we try to maintain a pleasant, non stressful atmosphere. Otoh, we want what we want. It takes a conscious effort to work towards the latter vs the former. You have to find the right balance.
park. He can tell that I'm an ice **** right now so he's avoiding me as well. He always says "I want to talk to you, but I can see you need some time so i'll be patient"
He said the nanny that we talked about previously he is going to hire her for date nights.
I found a book "2002 romantic ideas" in his work bag...which I wrote personal notes inside like "hello somebody" ... "this would be nice" or "Nope, this is a hell no, don't ever do this"
To give him a healthy nudge...or shove.
Honey Bee
Well-Known Member
Talk to me about this alpha mentor. I can work with this. *rubs hands evilly* You just want him to act right, right? You don't care too much about the principle of how you get there?
bklynLadee
Well-Known Member
Yes! He is passive aggressive and selfish and I'm starting to think that he may not be the one. He's made improvements in other areas but I think there is something lurking. I want to see if whatever is there will come out in counseling. The good thing is is that we are going to see his previous counselor that he had one-on-one sessions with and I'm going to blow his arse out the water. DH is very elusive and doesn't share much about himself (on purpose) so I know his counselor was probably finding it very challenging to pinpoint where to go in the sessions that ultimately led to them stopping. But I'm gonna open this ish up early.
P.S. My BIL gave him the 3rd degree last weekend and it was fun to watch him squirm and get irritated. He couldn't hide it. I ate it up.
bklynLadee
Well-Known Member
If I tell him what I want gift wise---he'll give it to me. But If I tell him what I want emotion wise --- there is a struggle. For ex. In HS, he was the all-star basketball player he NEVER chased a female....EVER and still doesn't think he needs to do so with me. Women still throw themselves at him. He figures if a woman wants you, she'll come. And he applies that to me. I'm used to guys chasing me, pursuing me. He pursues me when he sees me slipping away and then he steps his game up.
bklynLadee
Well-Known Member
Good for her! DH is a open the door, let me carry everything and hold your hand while we cross the road type of guy. Even when he's driving if he has to pull a fast and the furious he holds me back in my seat and tells me to hold on. Thankfully he aint trifling in that area.
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