Develop An Appetite According To What Your Husband Can Provide

hopeful said:
Probably. Because of what I know. My comments may seem harsh, but they come from me knowing the back story. OP can't share everything publicly, nor should she. Sometimes people have pm'd me beforehand and over time, then when I post in a thread I'm bringing all of the info I have. Others only have what is posted publicly.
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Now it makes sense. I was like hmm, that doesn't sound like hopeful. But I'm sure if you are saying this knowing the backstory then it must be true.
 
Southernbella. said:
If it's not too personal, can you give an example of what you're talking about? Because my first instinct is that this can all be overcome but if the issues are really serious then that's different.
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He's ... A "nice guy" quiet type ... Very simple. Like he could care less if I cook every night or not. since he doesn't ask for much I guess he doesn't want to give much. His family hasn't celebrated his birthday since he was like 6 (last bday party) they don't celebrate holidays bc they just don't. So when it comes to special occasions or holidays when he COULD do something nice he does the bare minimum like...give me a card on Valentine when we could have gone out to a restaurant. Date night to him is Netflix and take out. Foolishly I've complied given the whole "appetite based on what hubby can provide" and I regret it. It's those little things that pile up amongst a host of other things that now it's just becoming too frequent. Or going out to buy himself something to eat for ONLY HIM!!!! Savage ass. I've addressed each one and expressed my shock, hurt and that it's unacceptable and he still does this ish over and over. Hope that gives you an idea.
 
frogkisses said:
Ouch this is pretty harsh.
If you married a man based off of certain values that you thought were genuine and true then those values are still within him. When you see the cowardice what does it look like? Does he not cover you? Do you feel like he is your protector? Maybe it's as simple as working together to figure out each other's love languages. Like you, my love language is gifts (and touch). So I communicate that often to my FH by giving a lot of positive feedback when he indulges my love languages.
In what ways do you feel you give to much? You might be indulging in love languages that he does not invest in, so he doesn't pay any attention to what you're doing.
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His idea of protecting me is that he promotes us living a more sheltered life. There were times when I felt disrespected by an older man (his mentor) due to his harsh tone and flippant tactless conversations and my husband did not view it as such and left me out to dry basically. In those times--he does not feel like my protector. Not only did we read the 5 love languages, we led a marriage small group which is why we are in a current FUNK. I confronted him and asked why is he leading this course and yet not doing these things for me, to which he replied "I don't know -- just not good at it I guess."

My battle is this: As a Christian woman, with vows in mind i've said "for better or worse" its such a struggle to completely walk away 100% so for now, we are on speaking terms. He apologized and said he would go to therapy (we shall see). I stand firm on that I've said all I could say --- now I just need to see if you're actions will line up with your words.
 
Op I totally understand your position.

This type of man or marriage wouldn't work for me because marriage requires meeting in the middle, compromising and most important effort! Like I need your effort and your give a bleep to make this work.


But butttttttttttt..... You've put up with this for so long and allowed this behavior for so long that I see how he is like well this is who I am, trying to change a man that you wholeheartedly accepted mediocire behavior from for years will be tough.


When I met dh he was this unicorn dude
Making tons of money, didn't have to put in any effort with women or etc selfish as fluck lolol his response was always this is who I am and I've always been this way
I would tell him *** you and your thus is who I am... Lolol I am quite a handful so I wouldn't yell I would look him dead in his eyes with my big beAutiful brown eyes and say it with a sweet and direct tone. Lol

I had a field day letting him know his behavior would not work with me, I told him I need this this that and this from you if you want me in your life in any capacity
I would ice him for days and weeks until his hard headed behind got it together
He never treated me bad but his mediocre dating style did not resonate with me, other women set the bar so low that he did what he wanted.
I only rewarded him with my presence when he was the great man I deserved
I was young and had fun doing this as it was interesting for me to see a man change his entire being for something he wanted

Anyway I could not imagine doing that now nor would I.. But there is hope for you in your marriage

Will take some time but truly wishing you all the best.
 
hopeful said:
You guys are sweet. You have a lot of faith in me. Thank you.

As I get older I don't believe a woman can change a man. And trying to do so or thinking one can do so is a dangerous proposition. IMO women do not have that much power. We have the power to choose well, to decide what we want, to heal ourselves, to leave, to forgive. But changing another person? Convincing another person that we deserve better from them? I don't think so.

If a man has it in him to hurt you, he will, and there is nothing you can do about it, except to leave IMO. I honestly believe most men know exactly what we want and some choose to not give us what we want because it does not feel good to them, because they don't want to, or they deeply believe that it is you who should be serving them. We live in a society that prizes men above women, that blames women when they are raped, and convinces women it is their responsibility to fix a broken marriage. And many men buy into that kind of thinking even if they don't say so out loud.

I think the best thing a woman can do is take back her power and self-esteem. Get back to how she felt when her dh made her feel special, and leave. Perhaps you leaving him will wake him up and encourage him to admit to and fix his selfishness. Willing to do a lot of hard work. But me personally I imagine if I were treating someone badly and they said I will give you many more chances to hurt me, I will give you time to figure this out because I love you and I want this to work, I would think they really overvalued me and I must be pretty damned special. Why else would they put themselves in such a precarious situation? When I have shown them who I am, how I feel about them, and how I value marriage?
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I just want to say.....I love you girl. Every woman needs a friend like you in their life. This post expresses EVERYTHING I feel.
 
You accept less from him now, do you also do less for yourself than you used to?
Cuz if dh tried to do a Netflix date night id get dressed and go out solo.

sn we don't do "date night" ijs
And we Netflix & chill but he knows that's all it is, Netflix & chill.
 
bklynLadee said:
He's ... A "nice guy" quiet type ... Very simple. Like he could care less if I cook every night or not. since he doesn't ask for much I guess he doesn't want to give much. His family hasn't celebrated his birthday since he was like 6 (last bday party) they don't celebrate holidays bc they just don't. So when it comes to special occasions or holidays when he COULD do something nice he does the bare minimum like...give me a card on Valentine when we could have gone out to a restaurant. Date night to him is Netflix and take out. Foolishly I've complied given the whole "appetite based on what hubby can provide" and I regret it. It's those little things that pile up amongst a host of other things that now it's just becoming too frequent. Or going out to buy himself something to eat for ONLY HIM!!!! Savage ass. I've addressed each one and expressed my shock, hurt and that it's unacceptable and he still does this ish over and over. Hope that gives you an idea.
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I think he can change, if he wants to change. That is the first hurdle.

DH was similar to what you describe but that changed immediately when I spoke up. I attribute it to the women he dated before me and his Jehvoah's Witness upbringing where they don't celebrate holidays/birthdays. However, I spoke up the first time he showed up with food only for himself and I promptly took the bag and plated it for two. It was a pastrami sandwich if I recall correctly. And I don't even like pastrami but he got the idea.

These days, he calls before he comes home to ask if I need anything.
 
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naturalmanenyc said:
I think he can change, if he wants to change. That is the first hurdle.

DH was similar to what you describe but that changed immediately when I spoke up. I attribute it to the women he dated before me and his Jehvoah's Witness upbringing where they don't celebrate holidays/birthdays. However, I spoke up the first time he showed up with food only for himself and I promptly took the bag and plated it for two. It was a pastrami sandwich if I recall correctly. And I don't even like pastrami but he got the idea.

These days, he calls before he comes home to ask if I need anything.
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But she has spoken up. Repeatedly. For years.
 
hopeful said:
But she has spoken up. Repeatedly. For years.
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It may be time to leave then since his actions don't reflect a willingness to change after years of the same conversation. I don't do well in situations where I am asked to repeat myself so I know you must be frustrated.

Can you go stay with your mom/dad, siblings or friends for a while?
I would hope he will get it if you physically leave. Make him court you all over again.

I'd go to therapy with him too, from another house. Maybe that person can get him to open up about leading a marriage group discussing how to have a great marriage but not doing those things for his own wife. This all presumes you want to stay married.
 
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naturalmanenyc said:
I'd go to therapy with him too, from another house. Maybe that person can get him to open up about leading a marriage group discussing how to have a great marriage but not doing those things for his own wife. TThis all presumes you want to stay married.
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When I read that I was like :confused: o_O:rolleyes: I'm sorry to be harsh op but I find that very hypocritical of your husband. Why did he think that data (from the book) was applicable to other marriages but not his own? Especially, if the group and reading the book was for encouraging stronger, better marriages.
 
bklynLadee said:
He's ... A "nice guy" quiet type ... Very simple. Like he could care less if I cook every night or not. since he doesn't ask for much I guess he doesn't want to give much. His family hasn't celebrated his birthday since he was like 6 (last bday party) they don't celebrate holidays bc they just don't. So when it comes to special occasions or holidays when he COULD do something nice he does the bare minimum like...give me a card on Valentine when we could have gone out to a restaurant. Date night to him is Netflix and take out. Foolishly I've complied given the whole "appetite based on what hubby can provide" and I regret it. It's those little things that pile up amongst a host of other things that now it's just becoming too frequent. Or going out to buy himself something to eat for ONLY HIM!!!! Savage ass. I've addressed each one and expressed my shock, hurt and that it's unacceptable and he still does this ish over and over. Hope that gives you an idea.
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This may be a weird question, but is he cheap? Financially and emotionally? I figure that he's a homebody because that's who he is, but just generally does he spend time just conversing? Have you done nice things for him in the past, (not because you wanted something in return, but because you believed that he would appreciate your efforts), and communicated that you hurt when it's not reciprocated?

Is he just basically selfish?
 
lux10023 said:
Op I totally understand your position.

This type of man or marriage wouldn't work for me because marriage requires meeting in the middle, compromising and most important effort! Like I need your effort and your give a bleep to make this work.


But butttttttttttt..... You've put up with this for so long and allowed this behavior for so long that I see how he is like well this is who I am, trying to change a man that you wholeheartedly accepted mediocire behavior from for years will be tough.


When I met dh he was this unicorn dude
Making tons of money, didn't have to put in any effort with women or etc selfish as fluck lolol his response was always this is who I am and I've always been this way
I would tell him *** you and your thus is who I am... Lolol I am quite a handful so I wouldn't yell I would look him dead in his eyes with my big beAutiful brown eyes and say it with a sweet and direct tone. Lol

I had a field day letting him know his behavior would not work with me, I told him I need this this that and this from you if you want me in your life in any capacity
I would ice him for days and weeks until his hard headed behind got it together
He never treated me bad but his mediocre dating style did not resonate with me, other women set the bar so low that he did what he wanted.
I only rewarded him with my presence when he was the great man I deserved
I was young and had fun doing this as it was interesting for me to see a man change his entire being for something he wanted

Anyway I could not imagine doing that now nor would I.. But there is hope for you in your marriage

Will take some time but truly wishing you all the best.
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Yeah I wish I knew better when I was younger. I'm the youngest of three and come from a BIG family. I'm used to sharing. So when he was territorial about his food or doing things for himself I chalked it up to the fact that he grew up as an only child (much like my dad who can also exhibit a "this is mine, that is yours" attitude). I would complain and express that that simply isn't normal and when he came around my family more and saw how generous we all are with one another he slowly began to change. Every now and then the selfish old man will come back out and pay me a visit but when I confront him he's always surprised at his own behavior (showing remorse).

Not making excuses for him but it was almost like he wasn't home trained or something but he meant well. His faithfulness to me and his love for God, expressed adoration for me is what kept me around for so long. I think because at one point I lived near my family I could take the edge off by being around them. But we don't live that close so its just becoming unbearable now.

I've made plenty of excuses for him and he's made enough for himself as well. I have my flaws that he's over looked as well and we've just played the "I'm understanding of your flaws" game way too long and now its played out.
 
CafedeBelleza said:
You accept less from him now, do you also do less for yourself than you used to?
Cuz if dh tried to do a Netflix date night id get dressed and go out solo.

sn we don't do "date night" ijs
And we Netflix & chill but he knows that's all it is, Netflix & chill.
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I think we both just do less since having our baby girl. She's one now and so I'm finally catching my rhythm and my breath. I never really went "slipping" being pregnant or since I had her. However, going to the mall or out shopping with a baby while I was nursing or going to restaurants quickly did not work for me. I had a very hard time nursing her. We don't have a baby sitter so we've both just acquiesced to staying home most of the time to not deal with a toddler. I just thought at the BARE MINIMUM for special occasions he would do better.
 
naturalmanenyc said:
I think he can change, if he wants to change. That is the first hurdle.

DH was similar to what you describe but that changed immediately when I spoke up. I attribute it to the women he dated before me and his Jehvoah's Witness upbringing where they don't celebrate holidays/birthdays. However, I spoke up the first time he showed up with food only for himself and I promptly took the bag and plated it for two. It was a pastrami sandwich if I recall correctly. And I don't even like pastrami but he got the idea.

These days, he calls before he comes home to ask if I need anything.
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mmm...no...he's hard headed. I'm not afraid of being vocal at all. I've been sweet, direct, firm etc. I'll be honest and say that the first 2 years of our relationship was VERY difficult. I was young and in shock that someone could be so selfish. I just didn't understand it. I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore, and he begged me to not give up on him. He began to change certain things, not everything but he made an effort and strong strides at becoming a better man. I wasn't callous enough to think "too bad you grew up in a bad environment that has nothing to do with me." At the time, we were not just dating, we were best friends and I forgave him a lot and helped him get his Associates, Bachelors and then Masters degree. He always pushed past his circumstances and excuses to be better and do better. He never liked family occasions and then suddenly he would start to come around and actually engage with my family. To be honest---I think he just thinks that i'll always understand and have faith that he will get it and he will not let me down but to just give him time to adjust. That's how he sees it.

Then ive spoken to other women and they make it seem like he's normal or that most men are like this...if we make it through this...ima write a damn book. There is a part of me that wants to just drop everything start all over fresh like this never even happened. The Christian side of me is saying to fight for my marriage and to have a little more faith in him that in this area he will change too.
 
I did with my SO. I bent and accomodated him too much. One day, I got tired and told him what I needed. He paid me no mind. I stopped talking and showing. My usual reactions were nowhere to be found. He became conscious of the fact that I was not tolerating the stuff I used to. We are in a completely (better) space now. I skimmed your OP, but think this might be in line with what your are going through BL.
 
awhyley said:
This may be a weird question, but is he cheap? Financially and emotionally? I figure that he's a homebody because that's who he is, but just generally does he spend time just conversing? Have you done nice things for him in the past, (not because you wanted something in return, but because you believed that he would appreciate your efforts), and communicated that you hurt when it's not reciprocated?

Is he just basically selfish?
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You know what, yes he is.He's selfish in some sense but he's just not thoughtful. Every dime he makes he gives it to me and our daughter -- paying all the bills, he finances everything. I can't remember the last time he bought himself a shirt. He is VERRRYYY low maintenance. He dresses neat and smells nice and he grooms himself well. But he doesn't buy anything for himself bc he doesn't feel he needs to. He projects this onto me a lot. I do a lot of nice things for him. He appreciates them. I think he gives all that he has. He's very fatherly to our daughter and helps with everything pertaining to her. Diapers, shopping, feeding her, playing with her. Maybe his finances r stressing him and he's trying to make the best of it. Beats me. I honestly think he got comfortable...he doesn't manage his money well anymore and he's not thoughtful to plan ahead. For example my birthday is the SAME DAY lol every year so why not start putting some money aside every check. By the time a special day comes he's like I don't have anything planned. I planned his 30th -- cruise--he paid for it obviously. But for my 30th...I'm not even gonna say what we did.
 
sis you described my dh when he was my fh to a T.....im responding to say SiS you are not alone ive been there....:bighug:

dh is the oldest and has been an only child for 12 yrs
ditto @on how kind and loving my family is
surprised at his behavior when brought to attention

this was me and dh our first 3 months....what ended up happening was we were walking across the street and he had crossed b4 me...now in ny the streets are crazy---i lost it..i was so upset and that was my final straw with fh....

when i made it across the sidewalk....i looked him dead in his eyes and said "you crossed the street without me, not looking if i was okay or etc" I do not feel protected and safe with you....im your #1 priority as the future mother to your children and the woman that you will spend the rest of your life with
i said youve seen the way the men in my family treat me and how they protect and provide a sense of safety and care.....i will not be with a man who doesn't practice that and i walked away--it was super dramatic but super needed!!!!!

i had to remove myself from dude until it clicked....i said some other things like i dont know if you need to take a class, sit down with your mom and figure out how to be a great future husband or father but who you are right now, is not the kind of man i could share the rest of my life with...chile!!!!

anyhoo for the life of fh he couldnt understand why i was so adamant about these simple principals.... to him he bought me everything, treated me to the best of everything, took me around the world and back i didnt want for anything but i dont care about none of that i cared that he was considerate and kind and thoughtful

me removing myself and not accepting that behavior and communicating with clear examples of his ridiculous behavior was sunk in...because he wasnt seeing lux until he resolved that issue within himself

he dated some other chicks...and ofcourse came back talking about they dont hold a candle to you..i said yeah i know that!!!
he stated you challenged me and i knew i had to change just didnt know how....

that was me @.fh had some great qualities about him.....as he meant well but if i was forging ahead and he was to be my forever man i had to correct this ish now!!!...Not making excuses for him but it was almost like he wasn't home trained or something but he meant well. His faithfulness to me and his love for God, expressed adoration for me is what kept me around for so long

in marriage its hard to justify parting ways or a separation even for a little while...as it disrupts the home you know and share but feeling under appreciated sucks!!!!!!!

men only respond to actions...words and crying and etc for some reason is not enough to move them....

i will remove myself then, problem solved

sorry for the diatribe....


bklynLadee said:
Yeah I wish I knew better when I was younger. I'm the youngest of three and come from a BIG family. I'm used to sharing. So when he was territorial about his food or doing things for himself I chalked it up to the fact that he grew up as an only child (much like my dad who can also exhibit a "this is mine, that is yours" attitude). I would complain and express that that simply isn't normal and when he came around my family more and saw how generous we all are with one another he slowly began to change. Every now and then the selfish old man will come back out and pay me a visit but when I confront him he's always surprised at his own behavior (showing remorse).

Not making excuses for him but it was almost like he wasn't home trained or something but he meant well. His faithfulness to me and his love for God, expressed adoration for me is what kept me around for so long. I think because at one point I lived near my family I could take the edge off by being around them. But we don't live that close so its just becoming unbearable now.

I've made plenty of excuses for him and he's made enough for himself as well. I have my flaws that he's over looked as well and we've just played the "I'm understanding of your flaws" game way too long and now its played out.
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Lucie said:
I did with my SO. I bent and accomodated him too much. One day, I got tired and told him what I needed. He paid me no mind. I stopped talking and showing. My usual reactions were nowhere to be found. He became conscious of the fact that I was not tolerating the stuff I used to. We are in a completely (better) space now. I skimmed your OP, but think this might be in line with what your are going through BL.
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This is refreshing to read. So far, I haven't fallen back into old ways. I've received some great advice from some people who have been through similar situations. One thing I'm doing less of is speaking and showing through my actions. I'm still me, but i'm not warming up to him as quickly as I have in the past. Hopefully, I'm on the right track this time.
 
Thank you for this! Yeah I'm trying to show it better in my actions. Speaking less, expressing myself less. I hope I'm doing it right this time. I've had moments like the one you described and he changed a bit in the beginning...but now he's regressed a bit. He said "I know I messed up, but I am sane enough to know when I deviate from the man God called me to be that I will re calibrate and get it right. Don't give up on me."

For the most part he has proven this to me. I'm just annoyed that its ALWAYS something!

We start counseling in October --- right now he's doing individual counseling. I'm so thankful for the band of sisters here that are so supportive. Lord knows I'm trying to be strong and do whats healthy for me and baby girl. I'm going to keep standing on the fact that I deserve better and if he doesn't prove it in his actions...i'll have to walk away.

lux10023 said:
sis you described my dh when he was my fh to a T.....im responding to say SiS you are not alone ive been there....:bighug:

dh is the oldest and has been an only child for 12 yrs
ditto @on how kind and loving my family is
surprised at his behavior when brought to attention

this was me and dh our first 3 months....what ended up happening was we were walking across the street and he had crossed b4 me...now in ny the streets are crazy---i lost it..i was so upset and that was my final straw with fh....

when i made it across the sidewalk....i looked him dead in his eyes and said "you crossed the street without me, not looking if i was okay or etc" I do not feel protected and safe with you....im your #1 priority as the future mother to your children and the woman that you will spend the rest of your life with
i said youve seen the way the men in my family treat me and how they protect and provide a sense of safety and care.....i will not be with a man who doesn't practice that and i walked away--it was super dramatic but super needed!!!!!

i had to remove myself from dude until it clicked....i said some other things like i dont know if you need to take a class, sit down with your mom and figure out how to be a great future husband or father but who you are right now, is not the kind of man i could share the rest of my life with...chile!!!!

anyhoo for the life of fh he couldnt understand why i was so adamant about these simple principals.... to him he bought me everything, treated me to the best of everything, took me around the world and back i didnt want for anything but i dont care about none of that i cared that he was considerate and kind and thoughtful

me removing myself and not accepting that behavior and communicating with clear examples of his ridiculous behavior was sunk in...because he wasnt seeing lux until he resolved that issue within himself

he dated some other chicks...and ofcourse came back talking about they dont hold a candle to you..i said yeah i know that!!!
he stated you challenged me and i knew i had to change just didnt know how....

that was me @.fh had some great qualities about him.....as he meant well but if i was forging ahead and he was to be my forever man i had to correct this ish now!!!...Not making excuses for him but it was almost like he wasn't home trained or something but he meant well. His faithfulness to me and his love for God, expressed adoration for me is what kept me around for so long

in marriage its hard to justify parting ways or a separation even for a little while...as it disrupts the home you know and share but feeling under appreciated sucks!!!!!!!

men only respond to actions...words and crying and etc for some reason is not enough to move them....

i will remove myself then, problem solved

sorry for the diatribe....
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Jas123 said:
Speaking as an only child yes I can be a little spoiled and selfish BUT when I love someone (I love hard) and give and share my all.
Please don't excuse this behavior on a person being an only child.
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I appreciate your encouragement, but just to clarify...I'm not excusing his behavior --- i'm explaining it and how I processed knowing this information at the time. Birthing order, family dynamics trauma and personality all contribute to a persons actions. Doesn't excuse it like you say. Also, being hurt -- its easy to poke at the wrong a person does and not balance it out with their good. No one is all bad, or all good. I know he could write a book on hurtful things i've done. So It's all in fairness in terms of his character. Now, more mature, I'm ready to take what I want to deal with into great consideration as opposed to making my needs secondary to his upbringing. That's not based on me making excuses or not. That's me being independent of a persons hang ups (we all have them) and deciding if I want to deal with it.
 
I totally get it... I've just heard I'm selfish because I have no siblings and the fact of the matter is I'm the exact opposite with people I care for. But, yeah I agree in considering all the factors that make up a person.
Oh, and if per chance I'm actually selfish with somebody it's because I really don't care about them:look: I'm like go fend for yourself.
bklynLadee said:
I appreciate your encouragement, but just to clarify...I'm not excusing his behavior --- i'm explaining it and how I processed knowing this information at the time. Birthing order, family dynamics trauma and personality all contribute to a persons actions. Doesn't excuse it like you say. Also, being hurt -- its easy to poke at the wrong a person does and not balance it out with their good. No one is all bad, or all good. I know he could write a book on hurtful things i've done. So It's all in fairness in terms of his character. Now, more mature, I'm ready to take what I want to deal with into great consideration as opposed to making my needs secondary to his upbringing. That's not based on me making excuses or not. That's me being independent of a persons hang ups (we all have them) and deciding if I want to deal with it.
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Jas123 said:
I totally get it... I've just heard I'm selfish because I have no siblings and the fact of the matter is I'm the exact opposite with people I care for. But, yeah I agree in considering all the factors that make up a person.
Oh, and if per chance I'm actually selfish with somebody it's because I really don't care about them:look: I'm like go fend for yourself.
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LML @ bolded. Chances are, in comparison to someone who is used to sharing a lot you could be perceived as selfish. But I don't think being selfish is all that bad IF it doesn't interfere with your relationships if that makes sense. No reason giving everything and end up with nothing. My dad grew up like the only child and he can be quite selfish in comparison to my mother. However, in comparison to how he treats outsiders---hes super generous with us.

Girl, as long as you happy and the ppl you love experience your love and thoughtfulness -- aint nuttin wrong with that.
 
bklynLadee said:
His idea of protecting me is that he promotes us living a more sheltered life. There were times when I felt disrespected by an older man (his mentor) due to his harsh tone and flippant tactless conversations and my husband did not view it as such and left me out to dry basically. In those times--he does not feel like my protector. Not only did we read the 5 love languages, we led a marriage small group which is why we are in a current FUNK. I confronted him and asked why is he leading this course and yet not doing these things for me, to which he replied "I don't know -- just not good at it I guess."

My battle is this: As a Christian woman, with vows in mind i've said "for better or worse" its such a struggle to completely walk away 100% so for now, we are on speaking terms. He apologized and said he would go to therapy (we shall see). I stand firm on that I've said all I could say --- now I just need to see if you're actions will line up with your words.
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I understand this, I once had a boyfriend who gave the bare minimum, once I complained about not getting flowers on occasion, he brought me one from the place he worked at (he was a waiter for a time) and thought nothing about it. I couldn't get through to him so I left, there was no changing him, from an early age he was already set in his ways (we were like 18 and 19 at the time)
 
bklynLadee said:
mmm...no...he's hard headed. I'm not afraid of being vocal at all. I've been sweet, direct, firm etc. I'll be honest and say that the first 2 years of our relationship was VERY difficult. I was young and in shock that someone could be so selfish. I just didn't understand it. I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore, and he begged me to not give up on him. He began to change certain things, not everything but he made an effort and strong strides at becoming a better man. I wasn't callous enough to think "too bad you grew up in a bad environment that has nothing to do with me." At the time, we were not just dating, we were best friends and I forgave him a lot and helped him get his Associates, Bachelors and then Masters degree. He always pushed past his circumstances and excuses to be better and do better. He never liked family occasions and then suddenly he would start to come around and actually engage with my family. To be honest---I think he just thinks that i'll always understand and have faith that he will get it and he will not let me down but to just give him time to adjust. That's how he sees it.

Then ive spoken to other women and they make it seem like he's normal or that most men are like this...if we make it through this...ima write a damn book. There is a part of me that wants to just drop everything start all over fresh like this never even happened. The Christian side of me is saying to fight for my marriage and to have a little more faith in him that in this area he will change too.
Click to expand...

This is save-able, I think, but the first thing you need to do is change completely. :lol: Or, rather, go back to who you once were, but better. He met you as you were, with actual expectations and stuff, and you've changed. Back in the day, how did you handle it when you wanted something and didn't get it? I'm asking, what's your personality type? Did you become more demanding, did you freeze them out, what? That will determine your new, more grown up approach. He needs to become aware of your wrath, lol.

He has changes to make too, obviously, but we're not talking to him. The most useful thing we can do here is to tell you how to 'encourage an environment of change'. :look: (Wherein he effin changes! :lol:) To that end, there have to be consequences to his behavior. Don't be petty, these are natural consequences of your feelings being hurt, plain and simple. So when he does something ishtty, you might find yourself not feeling especially amorous. :look: That's not 'withholding', those are natural consequences. Or maybe you 'don't feel like' doing other things he normally enjoys. Whatever. He needs to see cause and effect. When he sees it, he'll seek to understand it, if only to get his shirts washed. :look:

People often say, 'You can't change a man.' Maybe not, but you can change your reaction to said man. If he stops getting what he wants with so little effort, he might be encouraged to expend a little more. Or vice versa. If you tell your man, 'I will do that sexy thing you like if you do xyz', his @ss is gon move. :lol: Fighting for a marriage sometimes entails dirty tricks. :look: I personally think that most times, excepting abuse of course, it's worth it. The tangible and intangible benefits are worth it.
 
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