Develop An Appetite According To What Your Husband Can Provide

[ladysaraii]

Do you like chocolate cake?
Maybe you haven't had it from a good bakery. I just don't see how it's possible to hate it. Unless you don't like chocolate. Is it the cream cheese icing?

I'm really trying to make you understand, you're missing out

I love chocolate. I love cream cheese frosting.

I hate red velvet. I shouldn't, but whatever they do to make it red, makes it taste wrong.

I do think that my first taste of red velvet was of bad cake. It tasted like straight up dye. I've had tolerable red velvet. That's as good as it gets

 

[ladysaraii]

Yall wylin, *bubba from forrest gump voice* I like vanilla cake, pound cake, chocolate cake red velvet cake you name it lol except for cheese cake, thats an abomination.
Yes girl I'm trying to understand too but Ithink somethings just can't be understood lmaoooo I don't get it with the cream cheese icing I get it with the vanilla, delish!
I'm cursed because I prefer salty and sweet snacks with equal intensity and I am positively ravenous close to my time of the month, I will go by Magnolia bakery itching myself like a crackhead and pick up some red velvet cake then turn around and buy some lays on top of it thank god I don't indulge very often lmao

ok done with the derailment! Ya girl was just taken aback Back to ideas for the op! lol this is an awesome thread and I'm wishing you all the best love

Good cheesecake is heavenly. Key word being good

 

[bklynLadee]

Nope! Been there, done that. Was left depleted and starving.

So sorry about that. I'm happy you found the strength to leave.

 

[bklynLadee]

Dh bought me a red velvet cake for my bday custom made with the sweetest words

I hate red velvet cake!!!!

Hate it!!!!!
I told him the 3 flavors of cake I like which he knows! Lol

I didn't tell him I didn't like it
I gushed over it and took pictures and etc

Ummmm he said he wanted to surprise me and do something different since that's what I say I like when he does something different


I ate a huge piece then took the rest to my family!!!

I hate red velvet cake!!! It took everything in me not to say that when he came in as I know it was an expensive cake from my favorite place ummmm

Plus I did say I like surprises and things that are different lmao

Men!
Marriage!
Lol

LOL! This happened to me. My hubby bought me white chocolate covered strawberries ---I HATE WHITE CHOCOLATE. I'm more of a dark chocolate kind of girl. When he brought the box to me, I opened it and stared at it...in shock...bc we always go through this with the white chocolate. I said "awww, did you buy these for me ooorrrr??? you?"

BTW I agree with red velvet...most places do NOT know how to make it. The ONLY place I can stand red velvet from is from a bakery in brooklyn called "Lords Bakery" hands down the best!

 

[bklynLadee]

UPDATE

First, thank you so much to everyone who cared to chime in to help me through this emotionally draining and difficult time. My emotions swing like a pendulum at this point back and forth and I'm just trying to keep it together.

We went to Counseling today---yeah, we are probably going to need to go every single week. We just DO NOT SEE EYE TO EYE.

The counselor asked what is that I want and I said "more intimacy, for him to be more intentional and thoughtful, not to just throw something together. I would appreciate it, it would let me know he was thinking about me."

DH: "I want her to be into the things of God more"

????? QUE LO QUE?????

Later I told him, you do realize that me taking care of your needs and Maddie and our home IS me being into the things of God, God loves families you know. Apparently---I'm too carnal for him because my guilty pleasure is watching reality t.v. and listening to beyonce when I work out.

Guess I'm not saved enough.

 

[LostInAdream]

UPDATE

First, thank you so much to everyone who cared to chime in to help me through this emotionally draining and difficult time. My emotions swing like a pendulum at this point back and forth and I'm just trying to keep it together.

We went to Counseling today---yeah, we are probably going to need to go every single week. We just DO NOT SEE EYE TO EYE.

The counselor asked what is that I want and I said "more intimacy, for him to be more intentional and thoughtful, not to just throw something together. I would appreciate it, it would let me know he was thinking about me."

DH: "I want her to be into the things of God more"

????? QUE LO QUE?????

Later I told him, you do realize that me taking care of your needs and Maddie and our home IS me being into the things of God, God loves families you know. Apparently---I'm too carnal for him because my guilty pleasure is watching reality t.v. and listening to beyonce when I work out.

Guess I'm not saved enough.

Glad you guys are working it out in counseling. Weekly will be best as it keeps it a constant reminder for the both of you. Will you be going separately as well? You mentioned he was going solo.

 

[Layluh]

Later I told him, you do realize that me taking care of your needs and Maddie and our home IS me being into the things of God, God loves families you know. Apparently---I'm too carnal for him because my guilty pleasure is watching reality t.v. and listening to beyonce when I work out.

Guess I'm not saved enough.

GTf. Life is too damn short to not like Beyoncé and not watch reality tv. What does he want you to watch? This is ridiculous cause he's nit picking your interests when values > interests.

 

[lux10023]

Unfortunately it sounds like he has that church dude in his ear. He know who he married, you being into more god like things.... As you mentioned you are the epitome of that!!!!

He need to stop being influenced by that pseudo faux mentor he is listening to.... That man is brainwashing your dh into some ****ery. Ugh. He need to stop all communication with him and you guys work this out.

Wishing you all the best on the counseling sessions.

UPDATE

First, thank you so much to everyone who cared to chime in to help me through this emotionally draining and difficult time. My emotions swing like a pendulum at this point back and forth and I'm just trying to keep it together.

We went to Counseling today---yeah, we are probably going to need to go every single week. We just DO NOT SEE EYE TO EYE.

The counselor asked what is that I want and I said "more intimacy, for him to be more intentional and thoughtful, not to just throw something together. I would appreciate it, it would let me know he was thinking about me."

DH: "I want her to be into the things of God more"

????? QUE LO QUE?????

Later I told him, you do realize that me taking care of your needs and Maddie and our home IS me being into the things of God, God loves families you know. Apparently---I'm too carnal for him because my guilty pleasure is watching reality t.v. and listening to beyonce when I work out.

Guess I'm not saved enough.

 

[bklynLadee]

Yes eventually I'll be going alone.

Glad you guys are working it out in counseling. Weekly will be best as it keeps it a constant reminder for the both of you. Will you be going separately as well? You mentioned he was going solo.

 

[bklynLadee]

I still can't fathom how me watching reality tv negatively impacts our marriage so much that it was a topic??? What does my relationship with God have to do with or love life. It's not like I don't believe in God or I discourage him from church activities. Anyway u know in counseling surface things come up first. We'll see when the deeper stuff comes up.

Unfortunately it sounds like he has that church dude in his ear. He know who he married, you being into more god like things.... As you mentioned you are the epitome of that!!!!

He need to stop being influenced by that pseudo faux mentor he is listening to.... That man is brainwashing your dh into some ****ery. Ugh. He need to stop all communication with him and you guys work this out.

Wishing you all the best on the counseling sessions.

 

[Naveah2050]

Life is too short not to watch trashy reality TV or listen to Beyoncé. Sorry but he would have to go off of that alone....(....but this is why I am not married lol I am not into compromising).

 

[Naveah2050]

@honeybee

I'm not really a rock the boat kinda person unless I absolutely must. I pick and choose my battles. When I choose one, I go to the ends of the earth to make my point.

Hence why we are sleeping in separate bedrooms. I don't want him touching me or being too close to me until he figures out how to treat me. He doesn't know how to woo me. And im not going to allow close proximity to soften me up quicker than I need to.

We start counseling next week, he made the appointment so I'm interested to see what the heck is going to come out.

OP - if you know what you want j say go for it, your DH likely needs you (a wife) to further most of what he seems intent on doing in the church so he needs to know its in his best interests to keep you happy and you won't hesitate to walk: how he gonna be leading marriage counseling classes without a wife now?!

 

[hopeful]

OP - if you know what you want j say go for it, your DH likely needs you (a wife) to further most of what he seems intent on doing in the church so he needs to know its in his best interests to keep you happy and you won't hesitate to walk: how he gonna be leading marriage counseling classes without a wife now?!

Good point, but the bolded is like he needs convincing or encouragement to treat her better, reminding of the benefits to him. Either you adore me or you don't. I don't want you acting better because it benefits you. I want you treating me well because it benefits me and it's a pleasure to do so.

 

[Kim0105]

I thought long and hard about replying to this thread. It's almost like reading about my life. When I read your update on the counseling, I had to.
My ex and I were apart of a church with a similar 'mentor' set up as you described. As far as others were concerned we were the perfect couple with the cute family. Inside I was dying. I wanted all the things you are now asking for. When we had mentoring sessions I would be given advice on meeting his needs and turning mine over to God. Year after year I would wonder when did my life turn into the hell I was living in. Instead of church being a place where I felt at home and refreshed, it became a place I felt condemned and labeled lucky.
November 2014 I literally got to the point where I wanted to die. I was clinically depressed and didn't know how to explain exactly what was going on, how I was feeling or what I wanted. I was gaslighted, manipulated and told I was ungrateful all by the man who professed to be a godly, loving husband. In one breath he would say hoiw wonderful I was and in another he would tell me that maybe he would love me like the God calls him to if I were more supportive and submissive. It was always me as he was as he likes to say now, a loving and supportive husband. I didn't have anymore to give.
I pushed for a separation last summer and we are currently going through a divorce. I knew I had to get out for my sanity and my children's sake. I didn't want to have them believing that is was love. We have a girl and boy.
At this point I do not go to church. I realized I needed to get to know who I was for me to know God. I can now teach my children how to love and trust themselves knowing that the voice inside them is the voice of God!

 

[Naveah2050]

I thought long and hard about replying to this thread. It's almost like reading about my life. When I read your update on the counseling, I had to.
My ex and I were apart of a church with a similar 'mentor' set up as you described. As far as others were concerned we were the perfect couple with the cute family. Inside I was dying. I wanted all the things you are now asking for. When we had mentoring sessions I would be given advice on meeting his needs and turning mine over to God. Year after year I would wonder when did my life turn into the hell I was living in. Instead of church being a place where I felt at home and refreshed, it became a place I felt condemned and labeled lucky.
November 2014 I literally got to the point where I wanted to die. I was clinically depressed and didn't know how to explain exactly what was going on, how I was feeling or what I wanted. I was gaslighted, manipulated and told I was ungrateful all by the man who professed to be a godly, loving husband. In one breath he would say hoiw wonderful I was and in another he would tell me that maybe he would love me like the God calls him to if I were more supportive and submissive. It was always me as he was as he likes to say now, a loving and supportive husband. I didn't have anymore to give.
I pushed for a separation last summer and we are currently going through a divorce. I knew I had to get out for my sanity and my children's sake. I didn't want to have them believing that is was love. We have a girl and boy.
At this point I do not go to church. I realized I needed to get to know who I was for me to know God. I can now teach my children how to love and trust themselves knowing that the voice inside them is the voice of God!

This sounds so terrible and emotionally abusive- I am so sorry you went through that but I am happy you got away!

 

[Naveah2050]

Good point, but the bolded is like he needs convincing or encouragement to treat her better, reminding of the benefits to him. Either you adore me or you don't. I don't want you acting better because it benefits you. I want you treating me well because it benefits me and it's a pleasure to do so.

I hate to say it because I can see OP is really trying and is a very sweet person but her husband clearly does not take pleasure in treating her the way she wants to be treated so if she is focused on making the marriage work(which she seems to be) she needs to know her worth and employ negotiation 101 tactics to making him act right - rule #1, never be afraid to walk away..... this man does not fear losing you, in the least.

The fact that he can stand up and give marriage advice which he refuses to follow on his own marriage lets me know he knows what the right thing to do is but just doesn't care enough about OP's feelings to do it.

 

[Kim0105]

This sounds so terrible and emotionally abusive- I am so sorry you went through that but I am happy you got away!

Thanks love, it is plain and simple abuse. I just couldn't see it then as I was always being told how lucky I am and how much he loves me. Leaving has been the best decision I've made to date. This is the first summer I can remember really enjoying my children.

 

[Naveah2050]

Thanks love, it is plain and simple abuse. I just couldn't see it then as I was always being told how lucky I am and how much he loves me. Leaving has been the best decision I've made to date. This is the first summer I can remember really enjoying my children.

That really sounded terrible. I could just feel your helplessness and the slide into depression in your words. No one and no ring is worth your peace of mind or that of your children watching their mother be emotionally abused and belittled by men of the robe and their own father.

 

[lux10023]

i am so happy for you!!!! frreedommmm is here!!!!

you and the kiddos will be just fine....

its absolutely sucks to be in a relationship where your not being cherished and taken care of..what is the point!!!!!

really happy for you...

Thanks love, it is plain and simple abuse. I just couldn't see it then as I was always being told how lucky I am and how much he loves me. Leaving has been the best decision I've made to date. This is the first summer I can remember really enjoying my children.

 

[hopeful]

I hate to say it because I can see OP is really trying and is a very sweet person but her husband clearly does not take pleasure in treating her the way she wants to be treated so if she is focused on making the marriage work(which she seems to be) she needs to know her worth and employ negotiation 101 tactics to making him act right - rule #1, never be afraid to walk away..... this man does not fear losing you, in the least.

The fact that he can stand up and give marriage advice which he refuses to follow on his own marriage lets me know he knows what the right thing to do is but just doesn't care enough about OP's feelings to do it.

I call it caring about appearing to be a great guy and husband but not caring enough to actually be a good guy and husband. Appearing to be something to the outside world is enough for a lot of guys. That's a very difficult concept for a loving wife to accept because it's so contradictory. In other words their words and outward presentation (the face they present to the world) does not line up with reality. That can be utterly confusing and baffling. Women have to learn to focus on reality. It's like a cold splash of water in the face, very painful. But so is living in a fantasy world where your needs are not being met and you feel used and unappreciated.

 

[Kim0105]

i am so happy for you!!!! frreedommmm is here!!!!

you and the kiddos will be just fine....

its absolutely sucks to be in a relationship where your not being cherished and taken care of..what is the point!!!!!

really happy for you...

Thank you....
There was a post started by @hopeful sometime ago on Does your husband cover you. I remember reading it and weeping as I realized I was doing more covering than he was. I never felt my heart was safe with him and he was quick to defend and protect others but not me.
He was very much respected and looked up to in our church and was very good at spinning anything I brought up as me having a problem. The sad thing is that I know of several wives going through much of the same in that church but are using God as the excuse why. I've heard more, 'God is teaching me to be patient, to persevere and that just like Jesus suffered I should expect the same'!
That was the bullsh*t I was fed for years and now I get so angry when I hear it.
My answer to that is I will be a martyr to NO cause! Nothing is worth that hell on earth. Jesus died on the cross so I didn't have to, so why create my own? Like I tell my daughter, she determines everyday if it will be a day of heaven on earth for her or not!

 

[hopeful]

...
The fact that he can stand up and give marriage advice which he refuses to follow on his own marriage lets me know he knows what the right thing to do is but just doesn't care enough about OP's feelings to do it.

As @Kim0105 said it's abuse, plain and simple. It's being passive aggressive and covertly abusive. Smiling and appearing to be so wonderful and yet outright refusing to be a loving husband, and then on top of that, blaming the wife for not being more submissive, as though she needs to get on her hands and knees and beg for his affection. And truth be told, even if she did that, he still wouldn't acquiesce. Bottomline, men like this are abusers and male chauvinists who believe they must hold the power in the relationship and are not supposed to serve their wife or bring her true happiness.

 

[lux10023]

Glad your sharing your story...a lot of women and wives are living in this type of hell

MARRIED TO A MAN WHO DOES NOT CHERISH, COVER, LOVE, RESPECT, UPLIFT THEM..but they continue the marriage and stay...that is soul killing to me
you can kill someone's soul by deprivation of all of those things.... a loving husband/spouse should do...every woman should feel covered and loved and protected in her relationship...marriage especially because that union is so very intricate..the kids...the family etc it is contingent on happiness for thyself and thy environment and thy union

one life to live and my soul will not be killed by a man who does none of the above....

im happy for you...happiness for you and the kids is priceless....

i love my dhhhhhhhhhhhh god knows i do but if he aint about the happiness of lux....i will walk out that door and never come back...and he knows that...

Thank you....
There was a post started by @hopeful sometime ago on Does your husband cover you. I remember reading it and weeping as I realized I was doing more covering than he was. I never felt my heart was safe with him and he was quick to defend and protect others but not me.
He was very much respected and looked up to in our church and was very good at spinning anything I brought up as me having a problem. The sad thing is that I know of several wives going through much of the same in that church but are using God as the excuse why. I've heard more, 'God is teaching me to be patient, to persevere and that just like Jesus suffered I should expect the same'!
That was the bullsh*t I was fed for years and now I get so angry when I hear it.
My answer to that is I will be a martyr to NO cause! Nothing is worth that hell on earth. Jesus died on the cross so I didn't have to, so why create my own? Like I tell my daughter, she determines everyday if it will be a day of heaven on earth for her or not!

 

[JFemme]

"your eyes will adjust to the deficiency present"....Iyanla

heard this while multi tasking watching a recent episode, not even sure what she was speaking on prior...

however, it struck me as succinct and so true that I had to look up from my task - let that sink into my thoughts...

I guess it could apply to many situations in life...But I took as reminder to know yourself, your values, expections - & stay woke...lol

 

[bklynLadee]

I thought long and hard about replying to this thread. It's almost like reading about my life. When I read your update on the counseling, I had to.
My ex and I were apart of a church with a similar 'mentor' set up as you described. As far as others were concerned we were the perfect couple with the cute family. Inside I was dying. I wanted all the things you are now asking for. When we had mentoring sessions I would be given advice on meeting his needs and turning mine over to God. Year after year I would wonder when did my life turn into the hell I was living in. Instead of church being a place where I felt at home and refreshed, it became a place I felt condemned and labeled lucky.
November 2014 I literally got to the point where I wanted to die. I was clinically depressed and didn't know how to explain exactly what was going on, how I was feeling or what I wanted. I was gaslighted, manipulated and told I was ungrateful all by the man who professed to be a godly, loving husband. In one breath he would say hoiw wonderful I was and in another he would tell me that maybe he would love me like the God calls him to if I were more supportive and submissive. It was always me as he was as he likes to say now, a loving and supportive husband. I didn't have anymore to give.
I pushed for a separation last summer and we are currently going through a divorce. I knew I had to get out for my sanity and my children's sake. I didn't want to have them believing that is was love. We have a girl and boy.
At this point I do not go to church. I realized I needed to get to know who I was for me to know God. I can now teach my children how to love and trust themselves knowing that the voice inside them is the voice of God!

You post is chilling and so heavy. I hate that you had to go through that, and I hate that I completely understand what that feels like. The lucky aspect, the I didn't have anymore to give...the serve your husband and take your needs to God. smh. Tough to read, and tough to experience and I commend your bravery! Thank you for posting this.

Good point, but the bolded is like he needs convincing or encouragement to treat her better, reminding of the benefits to him. Either you adore me or you don't. I don't want you acting better because it benefits you. I want you treating me well because it benefits me and it's a pleasure to do so.

@bolded...Precisely !

 

[bklynLadee]

"your eyes will adjust to the deficiency present"....Iyanla

heard this while multi tasking watching a recent episode, not even sure what she was speaking on prior...

however, it struck me as succinct and so true that I had to look up from my task - let that sink into my thoughts...

I guess it could apply to many situations in life...But I took as reminder to know yourself, your values, expections - & stay woke...lol

This is absolutely true. Your first years you'll wonder if what you are observing is true. Over time you'll soon realize it is true. And then you have to battle with whether or not you are crazy and or if something is wrong with me. Somethings gotta be wrong with me. I gotta be doing something wrong. I'm not perfect so what's my part in this. It can be draining.

 

[bklynLadee]

You know ladies, as I'm reading these posts...my heart, is so heavy. Did we all know that over the threshold, this was the type of marriage we would encounter?

I reflect on my parent's divorce and how much they regretted their decision. Even though all my mom has are bad stories, she still feels like they should have fought. At times, I wonder, will I repeat her history?

Then I think about the book I'm reading by Khloe Kardashian "Strong Looks Better Naked" and also a recent conversation I had with a sister in Christ who gently rebuked me. I realized something else I'd been doing. I'm always saying yes. Always giving in. Always fighting for the sake of peace. And in the process, hoping my turn would come for what I want and that never happens.

Khloe has inspired me to rethink my approach in my marriage. Rethink my approach when it comes to self care and just my overall happiness.

My joy, and my happiness comes from God. It also comes from my God given authority that I have over my life and my circumstances. I got panicky and anxious about him not loving me the way I deserve. Instead of oozing self-love...I expressed a dependency. As though I needed him to observe my worth. LIES. I determine that. I haven't been treating myself well, and that's also why I've been emotional. I can point a finger at him all day long. But I control my destiny. I'm taking control of that NOW. I can't let his behavior cause me to get SOOOOOOOOO upset to the point I hurt myself. What is that about? I don't have to be busy with anything but I will be fruitful. I'm going to do things that will give me a return on my investment. This is a new mindset I'm putting on and I am looking forward to seeing how things will turn out.

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

You should be able to say thank you, but I'd prefer ____. As I get older, I believe if you are constantly having to say this either repeatedly for the same thing or just in general always feeling unsatisfied and feeling the need to OVERcommunicate, something is off, there is a mismatch, the person is passive aggressive, the person is selfish, the person just isn't the one. When men have a few qualities a woman likes, she may overlook the stuff she doesn't and try to wish the bad things away. I honestly think women should focus more on a man's bad qualities than the good, because it is those bad qualities that will keep her up late at night and are likely a hint of something lurking beneath the surface that she can't or hasn't even seen yet.

THIS! Learned this the hard way, but I learned.