Develop An Appetite According To What Your Husband Can Provide

[bklynLadee]

Talk to me about this alpha mentor. I can work with this. *rubs hands evilly* You just want him to act right, right? You don't care too much about the principle of how you get there?

lmbo i feel like something is about to go doooowwnn...and i like it!!!

He's a big humpty dumpty lookin guy, he's a word smith lol he's really good with logic and explaining things and he can often trip you up if you're not careful. He's in education so he's used to speaking with young kids and getting them to understand things most grownups have trouble explaining. Which can make him sound pretty condescending when he's talking to an adult. I've worked with him on several projects and he's exceptionally patronizing and provocative if you ask me. But when I worked with him on community events I've always kept a trail of email, phone logs etc so I didn't get caught in his web. He tried me a couple of times...he lost.

He is the reason why DH and I didn't divorce a few years ago. The thing he told DH "She's a grown woman, she can do what she wants, don't police her" It was like a light bulb went off. DH admitted that he struggled with his leadership abilities bc he's so laid back and nice and my personality is so strong. He also told DH that date nights once a week are mandatory for a healthy marriage.

His mentor has said openly to the both of us that DH is very polished and laid back and passive aggressive and he finds him to be slightly annoying...almost like a yes man and he doesn't like that. He also called DH a coward. His one slip up (mentor) was when he told me that I didn't need a baby sitter bc when Adam and Eve had a baby--no one else was there.

That's when I lost all respect for him. It was like all the other good advice he ever gave aint mean ish. That's when I stopped listening to him and realize just how dangerous he was because my husband would listen to anything he says.

 

[bklynLadee]

http://www.rwddh.com

Some of your advice sounded similar. I heard about the blog on here, but I can't remember who mentioned it.

I'm reading some of the posts cackling ... hilarity...but I just might try some of these

 

[Honey Bee]

lmbo i feel like something is about to go doooowwnn...and i like it!!!

He's a big humpty dumpty lookin guy, he's a word smith lol he's really good with logic and explaining things and he can often trip you up if you're not careful. He's in education so he's used to speaking with young kids and getting them to understand things most grownups have trouble explaining. Which can make him sound pretty condescending when he's talking to an adult. I've worked with him on several projects and he's exceptionally patronizing and provocative if you ask me. But when I worked with him on community events I've always kept a trail of email, phone logs etc so I didn't get caught in his web. He tried me a couple of times...he lost.

He is the reason why DH and I didn't divorce a few years ago. The thing he told DH "She's a grown woman, she can do what she wants, don't police her" It was like a light bulb went off. DH admitted that he struggled with his leadership abilities bc he's so laid back and nice and my personality is so strong. He also told DH that date nights once a week are mandatory for a healthy marriage.

His mentor has said openly to the both of us that DH is very polished and laid back and passive aggressive and he finds him to be slightly annoying...almost like a yes man and he doesn't like that. He also called DH a coward. His one slip up (mentor) was when he told me that I didn't need a baby sitter bc when Adam and Eve had a baby--no one else was there.

That's when I lost all respect for him. It was like all the other good advice he ever gave aint mean ish. That's when I stopped listening to him and realize just how dangerous he was because my husband would listen to anything he says.

You didn't mention anything about his qualifications. I don't mean in a professional sense, I mean, what makes your husband prioritize his advice? Is he a leader in the church? Does he have a successful marriage? What's the source of his power?

 

[bklynLadee]

You didn't mention anything about his qualifications. I don't mean in a professional sense, I mean, what makes your husband prioritize his advice? Is he a leader in the church? Does he have a successful marriage? What's the source of his power?

Yes and Yes...I think it all started out bc they have the same Christian standards and view things in the same spiritual lense. He's married to the woman that said "Develop an appetite..." in which she received that advice from an older woman.

When mentor told DH to not "police your wife" and he had the light bulb, he walked him through how he can lead as a man of God in his household without being overbearing and it worked like a charm. Other pieces of advice that he gave was also helpful. So I believe his position in the church, sharing similar spiritual beliefs and the previous advice that worked coupled with his genuine care for DH has won DH over.

 

[Honey Bee]

Yes and Yes...I think it all started out bc they have the same Christian standards and view things in the same spiritual lense. He's married to the woman that said "Develop an appetite..." in which she received that advice from an older woman.

When mentor told DH to not "police your wife" and he had the light bulb, he walked him through how he can lead as a man of God in his household without being overbearing and it worked like a charm. Other pieces of advice that he gave was also helpful. So I believe his position in the church, sharing similar spiritual beliefs and the previous advice that worked coupled with his genuine care for DH has won DH over.

Oh ok, so he's coming from the 'leading your wife in a Godly fashion' perspective?

I already don't like dude. But I come at 'power exchange relationships' from a secular perspective. In that context, some of the language he uses toward your husband (specifically, the you're a coward stuff. was that in your presence?) could be seen as an attempt to dominate him. You understand? Thereby lessening the chances of ostensibly hoped for result actually occurring. Like, you can't punk a man (in front of his wife?) from a place of authority and expect him to 'man up'. Because the guy in charge just punked him. I'm not sure how much this is related to church hierarchy, though. Like, if you're maintaining a hierarchy, you don't encourage potential competitors to compete with you. You teach them to be better, but only up to a point. You're right, he is "dangerous." This is how you make cult members (not saying he's doing that at all, just saying, it is ), not strong men who stand on their own two and lead their families righteously.

So. I feel no qualms in sneakily working against him. Neither should you. We'll do it sneakily because I assume you enjoy the relationship and whatever benefits accrue from it.

1. Express agreement with the stated goal (increased leadership ability, 'Godly', etc). I assume you agree but have expressed doubts on specific matters and courses of action.

2. "Help". There are a million sites, books, online communities, etc about this nowadays. A lot of Christians are trying to recalibrate their marriages in order to save them. Use these resources to diminish Mr. Mentor's hold on your husband, but frame it to him as 'I just got fully on-board, so I googled, and look at all these resources I found! So helpful in addition to the great mentoring you're already getting!'

From there, you lead from behind (until you're willing to let him take the reins).

How does this sound so far?

 

[Holla]

There is a lot of good tidbits in this thread!

I honestly think women should focus more on a man's bad qualities than the good, because it is those bad qualities that will keep her up late at night and are likely a hint of something lurking beneath the surface that she can't or hasn't even seen yet.

Yup! Reminds me of one of my favorite lines: "When you settle for less, you get less than you settled for." So don't settle for less because there is even less than that!

I only rewarded him with my presence when he was the great man I deserved.

This line right here LUX!!! Yes!!!!!


OP - As to the woman whose advice you are taking, how much do you know about her marriage (good and bad)? Is her marriage one that you would want to duplicate for yourself?

Years ago, I took relationship advice from an older cousin who has a child older than me and who has known me all my life. She is like an aunt to me. She basically told me to stick with a man who I was engaged to at the time. I thought like you ... she was married, was older, and had my interests at heart. Well, that relationship went from bad to worse! Talk about one helluva bad breakup! I tried to make sense of it all and I kept going back to when I took her advice. After the breakup, I found out that her husband had cheated on her with his coworker when she was pregnant but she chose to stay with him for appearances. I was livid! I could not believe I took advice from that woman!!! I vowed to never take relationship advice again from anyone unless I really thought about the dynamics of their own marriage. Since making that decision, I have let a lot of bad advice in one slide. That woman has been married for over 40 years now and I wouldn't want any part of her marriage.

That said: Is the mentor married? How much do you know about his relationship? Why is your husband taking relationship advice from him?

 

[barbiesocialite]

You didn't mention anything about his qualifications. I don't mean in a professional sense, I mean, what makes your husband prioritize his advice? Is he a leader in the church? Does he have a successful marriage? What's the source of his power?

That pastor is a malignant narcissist and a disrespectful jerk.

I would have been cussed his ass out.

 

[Honey Bee]

That pastor is a malignant narcissist and a disrespectful jerk.

I would have been cussed his ass out.

I gathered.

But she 'can't' cuss him out because there are things about the association (with the jerk and his wife, bad advice lady) they enjoy, and church and all that. So I'm outlining a plan to gently subvert his control over her husband and redirect his energies to other, less jerky sources of similar information. I'm assuming she wants to keep her husband tho. Yall seem to know a lot more about the situation that we do.

 

[barbiesocialite]

I gathered.

But she 'can't' cuss him out because there are things about the association (with the jerk and his wife, bad advice lady) they enjoy, and church and all that. So I'm outlining a plan to gently subvert his control over her husband and redirect his energies to other, less jerky sources of similar information. I'm assuming she wants to keep her husband tho. Yall seem to know a lot more about the situation that we do.

No. She doesnt care for the church anyway. Her friend had a similar experience and told the pastor off.

But this is the ish im talking about. Pastor and DH should have been ripped a new one months ago. The pastor for being disrespectful and her husband for allowing the pastor to disrespect his wife on multiple occasions. That's why this ish continues to go on. They think this ish is ok because they have no reason to think otherwise.

This is why i believe you teach people how to treat you. I get being patient and understanding and all of that. But at whos expense? Op deserves to wined and dined like any other good wife. I get that it's hard to change things when.they start out on others terms. In the other thread i mentioned OP and another married friend. Now that i think about it, even how the marriage and weddings happened reflect the differencr in entilement and power balances. Op was chilling and ber husband arrived wntirely on his own. My other girl had also previously broken up with her husband but she dgaf. She showed up at his parents house on Christmas when he had his new gf there. She doesnt care, she always does whatever she wants, when she wants to do it. Even down to the way she parents. Shes also a SAHM but her DD goes to day care 4 days a week. She has no qualms about leaving to go in vacay with her girls despite having a husband and baby. She doesnt like cooking anymore, so she doesnt. She hates cleaning, so she has a cleaning lady. However, my other friend is more likely to be called "mean"(although shes not) and is admittedly selfish. Her husband acts accordingly. Neither the OP or my other friend is married to a simp but the men have different personalities and birth orders, as do the women.

Im not sure what the balance is for women who are naturally more empathetic and considerate. Im assuming there is a way to success without them having to change to become someone they dislike. There just have to be success stories out there, i hope....

 

[Honey Bee]

No. She doesnt care for the church anyway. Her friend had a similar experience and told the pastor off.

But this is the ish im talking about. Pastor and DH should have been ripped a new one months ago. The pastor for being disrespectful and her husband for allowing the pastor to disrespect his wife on multiple occasions. That's why this ish continues to go on. They think this ish is ok because they have no reason to think otherwise. This is why i believe tou teach people how to treat you.

I agree. I didn't get the impression that she was done with the whole crew from her posts tho. I'm giving her the advice that would 1. extricate her family from this man's grasp before they end up divorced (she's already sleeping in another room ) and 2. teach her how to be the neck that turns the head cuz clearly she don't know. Otherwise, they wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

eta: Damn, you wrote a book. My advice will get her wined and dined while still being her normal, empathetic, married self. What I wanna know is why they're sleeping in separate rooms? How did that happen?

 

[bklynLadee]

Oh ok, so he's coming from the 'leading your wife in a Godly fashion' perspective?



1. Express agreement with the stated goal (increased leadership ability, 'Godly', etc). I assume you agree but have expressed doubts on specific matters and courses of action.

2. "Help". There are a million sites, books, online communities, etc about this nowadays. A lot of Christians are trying to recalibrate their marriages in order to save them. Use these resources to diminish Mr. Mentor's hold on your husband, but frame it to him as 'I just got fully on-board, so I googled, and look at all these resources I found! So helpful in addition to the great mentoring you're already getting!'

From there, you lead from behind (until you're willing to let him take the reins).

How does this sound so far?

I feel like I've been doing those 2 things for some time now. I found a book he purchased "2002 romantic ideas" I added my 2 cents in there to get more specific on the things I'd prefer.

It's irritating. We are a beautiful black couple and we could be having fun and enjoying our marriage. Smh

 

[bklynLadee]

There is a lot of good tidbits in this thread!


Yup! Reminds me of one of my favorite lines: "When you settle for less, you get less than you settled for." So don't settle for less because there is even less than that!


This line right here LUX!!! Yes!!!!!


OP - As to the woman whose advice you are taking, how much do you know about her marriage (good and bad)? Is her marriage one that you would want to duplicate for yourself?

Years ago, I took relationship advice from an older cousin who has a child older than me and who has known me all my life. She is like an aunt to me. She basically told me to stick with a man who I was engaged to at the time. I thought like you ... she was married, was older, and had my interests at heart. Well, that relationship went from bad to worse! Talk about one helluva bad breakup! I tried to make sense of it all and I kept going back to when I took her advice. After the breakup, I found out that her husband had cheated on her with his coworker when she was pregnant but she chose to stay with him for appearances. I was livid! I could not believe I took advice from that woman!!! I vowed to never take relationship advice again from anyone unless I really thought about the dynamics of their own marriage. Since making that decision, I have let a lot of bad advice in one slide. That woman has been married for over 40 years now and I wouldn't want any part of her marriage.

That said: Is the mentor married? How much do you know about his relationship? Why is your husband taking relationship advice from him?

Yes I agree Lux is on point with that. I need to really do the same.


The mentor and his wife were mentoring my husband and I. The male mentor with my DH and Mentors wife with me.

Mmm I've come to learn quite a bit about her marriage. I can't say that her marriage is one that I would want to duplicate per se because the dynamics are sooooooo way off.

Her husband (DH's mentor) is brute and a babbling brook with his words. While she, seemingly is more on the quiet side. Although I've heard that behind their own closed doors she's quite vocal. However, if there is resistance in getting what she wants instead of pressing her husband, she turns it over to God. And she said the moment she did that, she soon got what she wanted/needed without ever having to put up a fight. She said that DH and I need to stop fighting each other and start fighting the enemy together through prayer etc.

I appreciate her advice but I haven't been patient enough to really give it a big effort.

Especially since I don't feel as though I've actually complained all that much.

 

[bklynLadee]

I gathered.

But she 'can't' cuss him out because there are things about the association (with the jerk and his wife, bad advice lady) they enjoy, and church and all that. So I'm outlining a plan to gently subvert his control over her husband and redirect his energies to other, less jerky sources of similar information. I'm assuming she wants to keep her husband tho. Yall seem to know a lot more about the situation that we do.

Yes, you're correct, I can't cuss him out, well I could, but I prefer not to. That's not my style. Generally speaking, I did appreciate the church and wanted to be part of it. However recent event has given me pause. I'm still learning on when to apply grace and when to just cut things off.

 

[hopeful]

Yes, you're correct, I can't cuss him out, well I could, but I prefer not to. That's not my style. Generally speaking, I did appreciate the church and wanted to be part of it. However recent event has given me pause. I'm still learning on when to apply grace and when to just cut things off.

If only cursing someone out actually worked. And who wants a man they have to curse out to act right?

 

[bklynLadee]

@honeybee

I'm not really a rock the boat kinda person unless I absolutely must. I pick and choose my battles. When I choose one, I go to the ends of the earth to make my point.

Hence why we are sleeping in separate bedrooms. I don't want him touching me or being too close to me until he figures out how to treat me. He doesn't know how to woo me. And im not going to allow close proximity to soften me up quicker than I need to.

We start counseling next week, he made the appointment so I'm interested to see what the heck is going to come out.

 

[bklynLadee]

No. She doesnt care for the church anyway. Her friend had a similar experience and told the pastor off.

But this is the ish im talking about. Pastor and DH should have been ripped a new one months ago. The pastor for being disrespectful and her husband for allowing the pastor to disrespect his wife on multiple occasions. That's why this ish continues to go on. They think this ish is ok because they have no reason to think otherwise.

This is why i believe you teach people how to treat you. I get being patient and understanding and all of that. But at whos expense? Op deserves to wined and dined like any other good wife. I get that it's hard to change things when.they start out on others terms. In the other thread i mentioned OP and another married friend. Now that i think about it, even how the marriage and weddings happened reflect the differencr in entilement and power balances. Op was chilling and ber husband arrived wntirely on his own. My other girl had also previously broken up with her husband but she dgaf. She showed up at his parents house on Christmas when he had his new gf there. She doesnt care, she always does whatever she wants, when she wants to do it. Even down to the way she parents. Shes also a SAHM but her DD goes to day care 4 days a week. She has no qualms about leaving to go in vacay with her girls despite having a husband and baby. She doesnt like cooking anymore, so she doesnt. She hates cleaning, so she has a cleaning lady. However, my other friend is more likely to be called "mean"(although shes not) and is admittedly selfish. Her husband acts accordingly. Neither the OP or my other friend is married to a simp but the men have different personalities and birth orders, as do the women.

Im not sure what the balance is for women who are naturally more empathetic and considerate. Im assuming there is a way to success without them having to change to become someone they dislike. There just have to be success stories out there, i hope....

Question,

for your other friend -- what would happen if she wanted a cleaning lady and her husband didn't agree with it? Would she just get one?

 

[bklynLadee]

If only cursing someone out actually worked. And who wants a man they have to curse out to act right?

She was referring to the Mentor. That he needs to be cussed out and to basically put a fork in the relationship signifying that I'm done.

This situation has become so ridiculous. Just a few years ago, those two mentors were our rock. Has familiarity caused such a great distance?

 

[hopeful]

She was referring to the Mentor. That he needs to be cussed out and to basically put a fork in the relationship signifying that I'm done.

This situation has become so ridiculous. Just a few years ago, those two mentors were our rock. Has familiarity caused such a great distance?

Oh ok. I'm not keeping up .

 

[bklynLadee]

Oh ok. I'm not keeping up .

lolol...too many moving parts. I'm learning all I need to learn so I can raise my baby girl right. I get bouts of anger but not fear or sorrow. I realize my part in this mess and I'm going to fix it. I'm stocked up on books regarding my feminine power and will do all that I can that will benefit me. I'm figuring things out. One thing is for sure, I'm enjoying my life now and will continue to do so by any means.

Even in the simple things. I did a little food shopping and realized how even in something as small as snacks i'm thinking "he wouldn't like these" and attempted to put them back. NOPE this time I put it right in my cart. Because I like them! It's so stupid and it doesn't actually bother me to compromise in general but its a recipe for disaster given our dynamic/relationship exchange. So I have to care for me more and i'm doing that.

 

[Honey Bee]

I feel like I've been doing those 2 things for some time now. I found a book he purchased "2002 romantic ideas" I added my 2 cents in there to get more specific on the things I'd prefer.

It's irritating. We are a beautiful black couple and we could be having fun and enjoying our marriage. Smh

Yeah... no. The thing is, he wants to be in charge. That kinda book won't get you there. I'll be honest and say, I've never known a single situation where this (he bought a book, I annotated it) works. In fact, this is the opposite of what I suggest. That's you leading him.

Question: are you against him being in charge? I can't tell...

 

[bklynLadee]

Yeah... no. The thing is, he wants to be in charge. That kinda book won't get you there. I'll be honest and say, I've never known a single situation where this (he bought a book, I annotated it) works. In fact, this is the opposite of what I suggest. That's you leading him.

Question: are you against him being in charge? I can't tell...

Wait why won't the book thing work? I must have missed your suggestion when you were mentioning looking up sites and sharing them with him?

Yes, I do want him to lead. You know what our dynamic reminds me of...Hank and Kendra. That's how we look. I don't know if you've ever seen their dynamic on Marriage Boot Camp. Well now imagine Hank found a MACHISMO mentor who gives "put your foot down" advice and now Hank is just "trying" to be more brute but it's coming out all wrong.

For example, the book had something in there like 'give you flowers and chocolates" I put a side note "no, I'm not into flowers and candy"

Or if it says "Plan a date ahead of time" I would write "yes, I like knowing that you're thinking of me and put special care into our date.

 

[Nefertiti0906]

lolol...too many moving parts. I'm learning all I need to learn so I can raise my baby girl right. I get bouts of anger but not fear or sorrow. I realize my part in this mess and I'm going to fix it. I'm stocked up on books regarding my feminine power and will do all that I can that will benefit me. I'm figuring things out. One thing is for sure, I'm enjoying my life now and will continue to do so by any means.

Even in the simple things. I did a little food shopping and realized how even in something as small as snacks i'm thinking "he wouldn't like these" and attempted to put them back. NOPE this time I put it right in my cart. Because I like them! It's so stupid and it doesn't actually bother me to compromise in general but its a recipe for disaster given our dynamic/relationship exchange. So I have to care for me more and i'm doing that.

@bklynLadee working on my feminine power really helped my marriage, there's a thread here that's pinned to this forum on the topic.

 

[bklynLadee]

@bklynLadee working on my feminine power really helped my marriage, there's a thread here that's pinned to this forum on the topic.

Thank you dear. I'd definitely check that thread out. Would you mind pasting the link here for me? I'm currently reading some books to build me up. I can now see very clearly the mistakes I've been making.

 

[Nefertiti0906]

Thank you dear. I'd definitely check that thread out. Would you mind pasting the link here for me? I'm currently reading some books to build me up. I can now see very clearly the mistakes I've been making.

Here's the link: https://longhaircareforum.com/threads/sense-and-sensuality-loving-spinny.671609/

Also, I read the recommended books by Alison Armstrong and focused on myself.

 

[BlackMasterPiece]

Dh bought me a red velvet cake for my bday custom made with the sweetest words

I hate red velvet cake!!!!

Hate it!!!!!

I don't even like cake

 

[HappyMadison]

Nope! Been there, done that. Was left depleted and starving.

 

[ladysaraii]

Red Velvet is the worst. And everyone just gobbles it up.

But I don't know what @Honey Bee is talking about. Cake (not Red velvet) is delicious.

 

[LostInAdream]

Red Velvet is the worst. And everyone just gobbles it up.

But I don't know what @Honey Bee is talking about. Cake (not Red velvet) is delicious.

Do you like chocolate cake?
Maybe you haven't had it from a good bakery. I just don't see how it's possible to hate it. Unless you don't like chocolate. Is it the cream cheese icing?

I'm really trying to make you understand, you're missing out

 

[Honey Bee]

I prefer salty snacks over sweet. I will fck up a bag of chips.

 

[BlackMasterPiece]

Red Velvet is the worst. And everyone just gobbles it up.

But I don't know what @Honey Bee is talking about. Cake (not Red velvet) is delicious.

Yall wylin, *bubba from forrest gump voice* I like vanilla cake, pound cake, chocolate cake red velvet cake you name it lol except for cheese cake, thats an abomination.

Do you like chocolate cake?
Maybe you haven't had it from a good bakery. I just don't see how it's possible to hate it. Unless you don't like chocolate. Is it the cream cheese icing?

I'm really trying to make you understand, you're missing out

Yes girl I'm trying to understand too but Ithink somethings just can't be understood lmaoooo I don't get it with the cream cheese icing I get it with the vanilla, delish!

I prefer salty snacks over sweet. I will fck up a bag of chips.

I'm cursed because I prefer salty and sweet snacks with equal intensity and I am positively ravenous close to my time of the month, I will go by Magnolia bakery itching myself like a crackhead and pick up some red velvet cake then turn around and buy some lays on top of it thank god I don't indulge very often lmao

ok done with the derailment! Ya girl was just taken aback Back to ideas for the op! lol this is an awesome thread and I'm wishing you all the best love