Submitting To Your Husband??

[Mystic]

I never really look at it as being submissive. We both value each other's opinion and the biggest gift we have in our relationship is respect. We have been together for 9 years and we have never argued in a manner that is disrespectful to each other. I lucked out also because my DH hates arguing so he is the first to defuse it after hearing me out. If I am having a hissy fit, he remains quiet, and the pain and concern in his face calm me down. If he is upset about something (which is rare), I remain quiet and acknowledge his pain. By nature, he is a very selfless creature so living with him is the greatest.

On the other hand, my mother is very argumentative and rarely acknowledge my pain, and it gets really really frustrating for me to deal with her sometimes. Of course we love each other but...., . I cannot imagine what it is like to live with a partner who loves to argue and always want to be right. It must be tough, and it would be tough to be submissive to someone like that.

 

[Energist]

I never really look at it as being submissive. We both value each other's opinion and the biggest gift we have in our relationship is respect. We have been together for 9 years and we have never argued in a manner that is disrespectful to each other. I lucked out also because my DH hates arguing so he is the first to defuse it after hearing me out. If I am having a hissy fit, he remains quiet, and the pain and concern in his face calm me down. If he is upset about something (which is rare), I remain quiet and acknowledge his pain. By nature, he is a very selfless creature so living with him is the greatest.

On the other hand, my mother is very argumentative and rarely acknowledge my pain, and it gets really really frustrating for me to deal with her sometimes. Of course we love each other but...., . I cannot imagine what it is like to live with a partner who loves to argue and always want to be right. It must be tough, and it would be tough to be submissive to someone like that.

That's beautiful!

 

[Zawaj]

It's definitely something I struggle with at times, but I am learning how.

 

[Everything Zen]

Oh goodness, I can only imagine his expression. "Ask and ye shall receive!"

Girl!!! He admitted that he didn't know if he could stand another talking to like that again without leaving me!! erplexed

 

[Lady Esquire]

When we were dating, I owned my home, had a great job, was going to school and I had been doing so at a very young age. I did a lot of those things because I did not want to have to ever depend on a man, EVER. However, when DH came into my life, he really woo'd me like no other man ever did. Watching my mother remarry and remarry and remarry...I had built my own guard up, which had the potential to become a cancer in our relationship. It took me a long - long - long time to understand the principle of "submission". I felt like I breathed new air when I started to slowly grasp this frame of thinking. It is so much lighter on your spirit when you get there.

I cut and pasted this from another thread I responded to:

For me, this is part of the "submission" of being a wife. A lot of people misinterpret the word "submission" as it pertains to a wife, as being a weak women taking orders. But I am discovering that "submission" in the sense of a wife, is about submitting to his protective instincts. The true sense of the word "husband" is one who wants to please his wife. And a wife should submit to his protective and generous covering and enjoy all of its benefits. It has taken me a long time to fully grasp the submission concept. And now, I am loving it, cause he is loving it....on so many levels.


And here's my 2nd response in the same thread:

Yeah, girl. It took me a long time to arrive at this frame of thinking. I grew up watching my mother emasculate her husbands. She never allowed them to be the "man" and she never softened her heart long enough to let the man treat her right. Always on the offensive. And always wanted to be the one doing everything. That overbearing mother routine, makes a man feel like a child cause you're acting like his mother. Never giving him the privilege and pleasure of being the man.

I have learned that a woman can command respect while simultaneously submitting to her husband. It is what you're submitting to. I am not submitting to a male, who is barking orders, and telling me what to do and controlling me. Instead, I am submitting to a man, who is honoring me as a woman, and who is enjoying the pleasures of doing things for me. (and vice versa). He too is submitting, as he is being the ultimate servant, a husband...and no not a debased servant, but instead a husband who understands what is truly means to be of service to the woman he loves.

Sounds like a simple concept...but it is sooo soooo deep. And that has a lot to do with why marriages fail. No one is playing their position. Everyone is resentful, and no one wants to be vulnerable...and they have one foot in and one foot out. And when ish hits the fan, they get to packing. Just my opinion.

 

[Trinity1]

Wow LadyEsquire! you broke it down. That is so true and so deep. As a matter of fact, me and the current man I am dating talk about this all the time.


TeeTee2

 

[Energist]

What a great read, thanks Lady Esquire. You ladies have really offered many perspectives. Great Stuff!

 

[AstroQueen77]

bump great thread.

 

[LivingDoll]

Thanks for this discussion. I'm not married or in a relationship right now but this has been a problem for me in the past (voicing too strong an opinion). I value each of your viewpoints. I have some working to do.

 

[Evolving78]

what if you are married to someone that isn't submitting to how God wants a husband to be? Do you still honor your vows and be a good loving submissive wife anyway? Through various readings, lectures, and sermons, i've been told a wife should still be submissive in spite of because submitting to your husband is obeying what God wants.

 

[honeycomb719]

This topic is soo on time. I need to work on myself in this area, cause I am very head strong, opinionated, and independent. My current boyfriend just brought this subject up a few days ago and I told him, I hate that men allways bring up a women being submissive when it benefits them. Which is what I felt he was doing. I respect his views, but he thinks me questioning his logic is me being stubborn and shows signs I wont be submissive if we were to marry. I just said, me asking questions doesnt mean I dont value your viewpoint, but you should be able to explain your position (not only with thats what I think/feel) but with concrete reasoning why to persway me.
I my opinion about my boyfriend he is much too sensitive on some subjects where Im not used to a man being so sensitive in some ways, and my response to him at times reflects that, but he thinks Im just being mean, or unsensitive. It has definitely been a challenge. I feel sometime we speak different languages, lol. But we are making some progress. I havent told him I think he is too sensitive cause I think it will hurt his feelings. Should I say this or leave it alone?

 

[A.Marie]

I have been married eight years and it will be nine in July. I am still learning and am much stronger in this area than I was earlier in my marriage. One of the most difficult things to do in a marriage is to submit to your husband or SO. I think that as women, especially, strong-minded, never want to depend on a man women, we tend to lose sight of submitting to our spouse. We are so afraid of appearing weak.

My husband used to tell me to learn how to be a poodle instead of a bulldog. He also used to say a woman's strength is in her femininity. I have learned that submitting is basically a form of respect for my DH. Before making major decisions, I consult him and vice versa. When you respect a man, he will love you uncontrollably and you can get ANYTHING out of him that you want. Men want to be respected and reverenced. You cannot expect to have a strong relationship if you do not respect your spouse. Try not to put him down or talk down to him especially in public. You also have to pick your fights. It's not worth it to argue over everything. If you don't show respect, he will find someone who will.

Remember, "A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, But the foolish woman tears it down with her own hands. Proverbs 14:1

 

[AstroQueen77]

I dont know...it just seems to me this "submission" thing is a brain washing that is perpetuated with religion, among other things I feel sometimes women are brainwashed into thinking its ok . Im all for equality in relationships and acknowledge that the opposite sex have different ways of doing their part in this. But submission=giving up a part of your personal power to me. Now, I think many women think the cause may be worth it...but I value a man who will acknowledge the personal power I have, that GOd gifted me with, yet still be secure enough to be a man in the relationship without always having his wife agree with him all the time or bite their tongue. Yes, I know a loving husband would want the best for their family, but I cant be a fool and pretend that a man isnt wrong about something...just so his EGO(edging God out) wont be bruised. I think men have been raised through the generations to expect this from women, and we women, wanting to protect our families, wanting to be loved,....do it erplexed
With some of the posts from the ladies here, I can clearly feel that their men are manipulative pulling out the "submission" deal ...just so you do whatever the hell they want you to do...which I feel is just extremely insecure. Im not saying that these men are not loving, provide for you and everything, but I just feel like an insecure man will pull this card on you.
Ladies, you can still be powerful and still be women.You can be powerful and still be cared for. Dont let men tell you that you cant be this way. I picked up a book entitled "Civilized Assertiveness" which is excellent and I think every girl in school should be taught this . Assertiveness is the balance between submission and agression. Your not standing below somebody...but your not sitting beneath them either. Ive applied these skills and they have worked wonders...Im still a women, Im still femenin, yet Im standing in my power, and getting what I want without being nicey-nice. Please check out this book

 

[mrsjohnson75]

I have been married eight years and it will be nine in July. I am still learning and am much stronger in this area than I was earlier in my marriage. One of the most difficult things to do in a marriage is to submit to your husband or SO. I think that as women, especially, strong-minded, never want to depend on a man women, we tend to lose sight of submitting to our spouse. We are so afraid of appearing weak.

My husband used to tell me to learn how to be a poodle instead of a bulldog. He also used to say a woman's strength is in her femininity. I have learned that submitting is basically a form of respect for my DH. Before making major decisions, I consult him and vice versa. When you respect a man, he will love you uncontrollably and you can get ANYTHING out of him that you want. Men want to be respected and reverenced. You cannot expect to have a strong relationship if you do not respect your spouse. Try not to put him down or talk down to him especially in public. You also have to pick your fights. It's not worth it to argue over everything. If you don't show respect, he will find someone who will.

Remember, "A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, But the foolish woman tears it down with her own hands. Proverbs 14:1

This is so true!

 

[Energist]

I have been married eight years and it will be nine in July. I am still learning and am much stronger in this area than I was earlier in my marriage. One of the most difficult things to do in a marriage is to submit to your husband or SO. I think that as women, especially, strong-minded, never want to depend on a man women, we tend to lose sight of submitting to our spouse. We are so afraid of appearing weak.

My husband used to tell me to learn how to be a poodle instead of a bulldog. He also used to say a woman's strength is in her femininity. I have learned that submitting is basically a form of respect for my DH. Before making major decisions, I consult him and vice versa. When you respect a man, he will love you uncontrollably and you can get ANYTHING out of him that you want. Men want to be respected and reverenced. You cannot expect to have a strong relationship if you do not respect your spouse. Try not to put him down or talk down to him especially in public. You also have to pick your fights. It's not worth it to argue over everything. If you don't show respect, he will find someone who will.

Remember, "A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, But the foolish woman tears it down with her own hands. Proverbs 14:1

WE ARE >>>>HERE<<<< I agree with everything that you have said, and always do my best to work on my flawed areas.

I wish you many more wonderful years of happiness

 

[Energist]

I dont know...it just seems to me this "submission" thing is a brain washing that is perpetuated with religion, among other things I feel sometimes women are brainwashed into thinking its ok . Im all for equality in relationships and acknowledge that the opposite sex have different ways of doing their part in this. But submission=giving up a part of your personal power to me. Now, I think many women think the cause may be worth it...but I value a man who will acknowledge the personal power I have, that GOd gifted me with, yet still be secure enough to be a man in the relationship without always having his wife agree with him all the time or bite their tongue. Yes, I know a loving husband would want the best for their family, but I cant be a fool and pretend that a man isnt wrong about something...just so his EGO(edging God out) wont be bruised. I think men have been raised through the generations to expect this from women, and we women, wanting to protect our families, wanting to be loved,....do it erplexed

Well I am not a yes woman. My husband knows that I am not a yes woman. When he is wrong, I will let him know, but it's the tone and manner of the way I will let it be known. There is a way to go about getting your point of view across in a respectful and non denigrating manner. When I have found that there is a conflict of interest, the old me would go toe to toe just to get my point across. When I say that I submit, I will agree to disagree and stand down to keep the peace. He will and often does the same! We both respect one another, and we know that we can't always have our way and be right all the time. You just have to agree to disagree sometimes and remember the love that you two share rather than make it an issue and go to bed angry because the discussion didn't go your way.

 

[tilati]

Well I am not a yes woman. My husband knows that I am not a yes woman. When he is wrong, I will let him know, but it's the tone and manner of the way I will let it be known. There is a way to go about getting your point of view across in a respectful and non denigrating manner. When I have found that there is a conflict of interest, the old me would go toe to toe just to get my point across. When I say that I submit, I will agree to disagree and stand down to keep the peace. He will and often does the same! We both respect one another, and we know that we can't always have our way and be right all the time. You just have to agree to disagree sometimes and remember the love that you two share rather than make it an issue and go to bed angry because the discussion didn't go your way.

ITA, that's submitting to my husband means for me too! It's a work in progress though, sometimes I can be a little mean poor hubby

 

[MysteryMe]

Its all in how to word and say something. Things go down better with sugar than with salt.

ITA

First of all he's not her husband. He shouldn't get the privilege without the responsibility

ITA

It's definitely something I struggle with at times, but I am learning how.

I’m a work in progress too.

I cut and pasted this from another thread I responded to:

For me, this is part of the "submission" of being a wife. A lot of people misinterpret the word "submission" as it pertains to a wife, as being a weak women taking orders. But I am discovering that "submission" in the sense of a wife, is about submitting to his protective instincts. The true sense of the word "husband" is one who wants to please his wife. And a wife should submit to his protective and generous covering and enjoy all of its benefits. It has taken me a long time to fully grasp the submission concept. And now, I am loving it, cause he is loving it....on so many levels.

ITA

 

[MD_Lady]

I don't submit to my husband automatically because he is THE MAN. I pick my battles, and I will defer to my husband for the final say in many matters. There are matters for which I will hold my grounds and we will agree to disagree.

This is exactly how I feel too.

 

[MD_Lady]

Are any of you married or committed ladies able to submit to your husband/SO? You know, I have never thought about what it means to do this before marriage.

This used to be very difficult for me, but it's getting easier. I recognize that it's very important to be able to come to an inner peace during a heated discussion, enough to pull this off.

I have a girlfriend who constantly argues with her boyfriend of 14 years. She is very opinionated, outspoken, stubborn and has a very sharp tongue, which can tend to leave people angry, bitter, and broken down. You just don't ever want to be on the receiving end of it. By nature I have some similar traits, that I'm only proud of in the proper setting/situation. Anyways, she isn't able to stop herself and assess the potentional damage before continuing what usually has already escalated into a heated debate/borderline argument with her boyfriend. At times these arguments will end with punches in the wall or him storming out. Anyways, she will continue and continue with diarrhea of the mouth, because it's more important for her to get HER point across. I realize that this has always been a major problem in their relationship,and what frightens and turns him off from marrying her. It's her mouth, her unwillingness to submit in their relationship. It's like she doesn't want to go down without a fight, because it does something to her ego. She could never submit to a man, because she can't sit still until she makes her point, no matter the cost. By doing all of that it angers him even more because it discounts his point that he's trying to make.

I have been in those situations, even in the beginning stages with my husband, when we were only dating, but have pin pointed (with his help) those flaws, have worked on my inner strength, gotten past my ego in those situations (I'm still working on that) and have come a long way. I mean there would be times that I'd end up crying in the middle of a heated debate or argument , because I had words in the back of my tongue fighting to come out, which I know would be long term damaging (it's like those tears said 'you are lucky that I love you as much as I do, and I hope that you understand and realize how bad this could have gotten, because I could eat you alive if I wanted to right about now'), but would unwillingly stray jacket myself and come back to center, clarity of the situation, and get to a compromise as quickly as possible. I think that this has been very important in my relationship and is a big part of what keeps it so peaceful, happy, and fresh. I do get my point across, but make sure that my husband knows that I've gotten his. After we both recognize each others point of view and see that we are conflicted, we calmy work at a solution that we both agree on. So we have discussions, never arguments anymore.

What do you ladies think of the idea of submitting to your husband or long term partner? Is it important to you, do you struggle with this act, and if so how come?

I'd love to hear stories of how you have gathered strength to submit in different situations. This is something that I am still working on, struggling with, and I know that other stories would be helpful for me

To me, submitting to someone means yielding to their desires (even when doing so may result in them being more pleased with the outcome than you are). Using that definition, I definately have submitted to my husband and don't have a problem doing it. This does not, however, mean that I'm going to give him a free pass to have the final say on every decision from this day forward just because he's a man.

I'm not confrontational and I don't like to argue. If I am willing to butt heads over an issue, that's because it's something that's really important to me. I wouldn't be happy living a life that was completely a reflection of what someone else thought was best (which, in my mind, would be the result of submitting to him 100% of the time, regardless of the circumstances) or in a relationship where I was always the one expected to compromise.

 

[AstroQueen77]

To me, submitting to someone means yielding to their desires (even when doing so may result in them being more pleased with the outcome than you are). Using that definition, I definately have submitted to my husband and don't have a problem doing it. This does not, however, mean that I'm going to give him a free pass to have the final say on every decision from this day forward just because he's a man.

I'm not confrontational and I don't like to argue. If I am willing to butt heads over an issue, that's because it's something that's really important to me. I wouldn't be happy living a life that was completely a reflection of what someone else thought was best (which, in my mind, would be the result of submitting to him 100% of the time, regardless of the circumstances) or in a relationship where I was always the one expected to compromise.

And this is the thing that bothers me about it. There are a lot of men who expect this from their wives, and if they dont do it they are being"rebellious" and "not submissive". Its just that women being the way we are, we want to make things work and give to make things better, especially when the man is pulling his weight in other areas, ....can suddenly turn around one day and find that their life is not their own. Its a real easy thing to do. Ive seen it happen to my sister...and as it turns out, her husband became abusive until it reached physical abuse. Mens egos and get outrageous real quick!
Im just saying, I would like women to be aware of the power they are giving up

 

[MD_Lady]

Well I am not a yes woman. My husband knows that I am not a yes woman. When he is wrong, I will let him know, but it's the tone and manner of the way I will let it be known. There is a way to go about getting your point of view across in a respectful and non denigrating manner. When I have found that there is a conflict of interest, the old me would go toe to toe just to get my point across. When I say that I submit, I will agree to disagree and stand down to keep the peace. He will and often does the same! We both respect one another, and we know that we can't always have our way and be right all the time. You just have to agree to disagree sometimes and remember the love that you two share rather than make it an issue and go to bed angry because the discussion didn't go your way.

Excellent points. My husband and I handle things similarly and both of us are pleased with this approach.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

Yes, I agree here! My husband has had to earn my submission, because I have never ever submitted to a man just because I was in a relationship with him. Even going into marriage, I never thought it was going to happen, but he consistently shows how much he loves and respects my opinion, feelings, thoughts, and that means everything to me. I owe him that same respect.

Now we do disagree sometimes, but if there are serious issues we disagree on, we know that they have to be resolved and we work on that.

PREAAAAAAAACH!

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

Girl well you need to talk to my man for me because he gets mad that I hold my tongue. He wants me to say whatever is on my mind and I can't do that because it's usually horribly sharp and if you think about it, you were just saying it to hurt him. He gets mad when I don't speak. I get really quiet and it can take upwards of a day at the most (usually a few hours) for me to speak my mind without and vitrolic tendencies.

You gotta find a way to get it out though. One time he hurt my feelings so badly that I went over to his house at 3 am and woke him out of a deep sleep to tell him ALL about himself. I'm talking from his need to lose weight to his relationship with his father, his job, and EVERYTHING in between. Then I just got up and left.

(OMG!)

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

1. If you're not a real man, I will not submit to you.

2. If you cannot respect and have desire for my femininity and my strength, I will not submit to you.

3. If you cannot submit to and respect your parents, especially your mother, I will not submit to you.

4. If I have to shoulder your burdens, I will not submit to you.

5. If I cannot allow myself to feel safe, loved, and protected as an important presence in your life, I will not submit to you.

6. If you talk out of turn with me for no d-mn reason, and you just refuse to have respect for me, I will not submit to you.

7. Unless you earn my respect and submission, and prove yourself trustworthy, honest and filled with a compatible spirit, I will not submit to you.

8. If you don't have a strong purpose and pre-determination to make your life count for you (ie You're over 23 and still not prepared to achieve), then I will not submit to you.


--------

BUT

1. If you treat me preciously, and indulge my mind, spirit and my heart, I will submit to you.

2. If you naturally put me at peace most of the time, I will submit to you.

3. If you are about yourself and you don't play games, I will submit to you.

4. If God continues to tell me you're safe, I will submit to you.

5. If you respect your parents, and others in general, and are mature in conflict of all types, I will submit to you.

6. If you provide for me (even when you know you are not OBLIGATED to, but do it out of love, and a desire to be a provider/protector for me), then I will submit to you.

7. If you invest in me with the giving of yourself, wholeheartedly, as I do for you (and we do it in equal amounts- I'm fair), then I will submit to you.

8. If you understand that submission doesn't mean weak-willed, pushover, or easy to manipulate, but yielding, loving, nurturing, sensual and voluntary surrender to please and satisfy you (and myself for our happiness), and understand that I am willing to be your every woman when you are my every man, and you don't try to take advantage of it... then I will submit to you.



Sorry... submission is earned, like respect. Not given.

The submission I have with my current SO comes so naturally because he understands this. The ex... he would be losing his hair if he saw how I am now.

 

[Butterfly08]

1. If you're not a real man, I will not submit to you.

2. If you cannot respect and have desire for my femininity and my strength, I will not submit to you.

3. If you cannot submit to and respect your parents, especially your mother, I will not submit to you.

4. If I have to shoulder your burdens, I will not submit to you.

5. If I cannot allow myself to feel safe, loved, and protected as an important presence in your life, I will not submit to you.

6. If you talk out of turn with me for no d-mn reason, and you just refuse to have respect for me, I will not submit to you.

7. Unless you earn my respect and submission, and prove yourself trustworthy, honest and filled with a compatible spirit, I will not submit to you.

8. If you don't have a strong purpose and pre-determination to make your life count for you (ie You're over 23 and still not prepared to achieve), then I will not submit to you.


--------

BUT

1. If you treat me preciously, and indulge my mind, spirit and my heart, I will submit to you.

2. If you naturally put me at peace most of the time, I will submit to you.

3. If you are about yourself and you don't play games, I will submit to you.

4. If God continues to tell me you're safe, I will submit to you.

5. If you respect your parents, and others in general, and are mature in conflict of all types, I will submit to you.

6. If you provide for me (even when you know you are not OBLIGATED to, but do it out of love, and a desire to be a provider/protector for me), then I will submit to you.

7. If you invest in me with the giving of yourself, wholeheartedly, as I do for you (and we do it in equal amounts- I'm fair), then I will submit to you.

8. If you understand that submission doesn't mean weak-willed, pushover, or easy to manipulate, but yielding, loving, nurturing, sensual and voluntary surrender to please and satisfy you (and myself for our happiness), and understand that I am willing to be your every woman when you are my every man, and you don't try to take advantage of it... then I will submit to you.



Sorry... submission is earned, like respect. Not given.

The submission I have with my current SO comes so naturally because he understands this. The ex... he would be losing his hair if he saw how I am now.

You are so spot on, except I wonder, why do non-married ladies feel the need to submit to their SO's? Seems to me there needs to be a ring before there's an expectation of submission. Forgive me, it's been years since I was in the dating game, but I don't get it.....erplexed

 

[AstroQueen77]

You are so spot on, except I wonder, why do non-married ladies feel the need to submit to their SO's? Seems to me there needs to be a ring before there's an expectation of submission. Forgive me, it's been years since I was in the dating game, but I don't get it.....erplexed

Cosign. Thats a benefit only a husband can have...

 

[MD_Lady]

You are so spot on, except I wonder, why do non-married ladies feel the need to submit to their SO's? Seems to me there needs to be a ring before there's an expectation of submission. Forgive me, it's been years since I was in the dating game, but I don't get it.....erplexed

You're darn right about that... IMO. I was never one for giving my boyfriend the benefits of a husband. If he wants to be treated like my husband, he needs to become my husband.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

You are so spot on, except I wonder, why do non-married ladies feel the need to submit to their SO's? Seems to me there needs to be a ring before there's an expectation of submission. Forgive me, it's been years since I was in the dating game, but I don't get it.....erplexed

I submitted only to THIS man that I am with now. We live together, we're "living in sin," acting married without the ring (but we are announcing our intentions to marry this month to our folks).

I am not someone who will submit to any man on a whim, especially an SO, but I've prayed about this man from the moment I met him, and while I am not condoning or making excuses, I feel God knows our intentions and He does not approve of our situation, but with His guidance, he will move us where we need to be. Therefore, I have been able to see this man do things for me I feel men should only do for their wives, which allows me to submit to him- and him only. I have naturally learned to submit to this man, because I feel safe. I'm not in total surrender, but I can tell when it is time, there will be no problems for me in doing so.

Long rant... but I hope you get my point.