Codependency Support Thread...breaking The Cycle

Smiley79 said:
^^^This could not have been said any better. You hit it on the nail 100%. Am I the only one who finds talking about it to be therapeutic? Its like a mystery that's finally solved....things make so much sense now. I can't imagine the thought of living the rest of my life like this. I thank God every moment I can that he brought this to light.

Do any of you still struggle with feelings of guilt from time to time? Breaking the codependency pattern will do it to you, especially if youre around Narcs. You could be fooled to believe that you are selfish or you are the bad guy. Whatever!
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I still feel guilt, but less often. Over time I have developed many more healthy relationships that support me taking good care of me. That helps a lot. I'm much better at seeking support when I need it now.
 
irsgirl said:
Wow I am married to narcissist and it took me 12 plus years to feature that out!
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(((Hugs)))

This is a good book.

http://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love-Psychopaths-Relationships/dp/0984172807

The highlight is it describes the kind of women who love psychopaths, narcissists etc.

Basically too much of a good thing. She says the women tend to be:
Too Cooperative
Intensely Attached
Overly Empathetic
Too Tolerant -- able to endure too much hardship
Very Friendly
Too Supportive
Too Trusting -- trusting without requiring people to prove themselves to be deserving of trust. Choosing words over actions, etc.
Extremely (insanely) Loyal

This info IMO is more important than the info about psychopaths.
 
Kindheart said:
Narcissists would never admit they are ,they will call you crazy for pointing it out even after a diagnosis . After all there s absolutely nothing wrong with them :rolleyes:
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My soon to be ex-husband is an altruistic narcissist. On meeting and interacting with him you would think he is the nicest, most giving person. I was attracted to how much he looked out for others - that's what he wanted me to see. Later, it became everyone else but me. He had to maintain that image to others and it made me feel crazy wondering what was so wrong with me why he would give to and protect others but not me. Through his actions and speech what little self esteem and confidence I had was eroded. I ended up clinically depressed. Truth is he is that way with others because he has to maintain the image of being a great guy. I can't tell you the amount of time I'd hear what a great husband I had.
Really and truly if I was emotionally healthy from the get go I would have seen so many things that I overlooked. Then again, he was the perfect person to show me all the things I needed to deal with and heal within myself. How we interact now is very different as I have no problem calling him out on his foolishness and will not stand for being guilt tripped about things he will not take responsibility for. I take his words with a grain of salt as he's not very good on following through. I'm happy that I've been really working on myself so I can help our kids with their expectations of him as they get older (they are 3 and 5).
 
hopeful said:
You have to be the kind of person who accepts words over action to put up with their foolishness. In the book she said most women would tire of their incongruency much sooner. Codependents are unbelievably and ridiculously patient, tolerant, compliant.
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It could be that (patience etc on the surface) but i will air my laundry to show that in my case, thats how codepency presents but not actually the complete internal process.

Its conditioning from childhood. Almost like brainwashing its that strong especially if indoctrinated from birth. In my case, I was taught to never question anything or such questions would be answered with extreme response. There was no choice but to "accept" ppl at their word or be abused outright.

As you get past childhood it becomes just another survival mechanism to avoid confrontation from a deep seated fear of retaliation. You seem accepting of the bs, but how many times have you actually thought "this is some bs!" Probably everyday. Outwardly, you appear over trusting, accepting and even perpetually naive. Hell you may even constantly complain to friends about the behavior but feel helpless (really its subconscious fear or even terror).

I have trained my daughter to question me (as annoying as it is) because that cycle has to stop.
 
DarkJoy said:
It could be that (patience etc on the surface) but i will air my laundry to show that in my case, thats how codepency presents but not actually the complete internal process.

Its conditioning from childhood. Almost like brainwashing its that strong especially if indoctrinated from birth. In my case, I was taught to never question anything or such questions would be answered with extreme response. There was no choice but to "accept" ppl at their word or be abused outright.

As you get past childhood it becomes just another survival mechanism to avoid confrontation from a deep seated fear of retaliation. You seem accepting of the bs, but how many times have you actually thought "this is some bs!" Probably everyday. Outwardly, you appear over trusting, accepting and even perpetually naive. Hell you may even constantly complain to friends about the behavior but feel helpless (really its subconscious fear or even terror).

I have trained my daughter to question me (as annoying as it is) because that cycle has to stop.
Click to expand...

Thank you for this, especially the bolded. For me my father from what I remember matches what you are saying. Pretend everything is ok or suffer the consequences even more severely. How I felt was of no concern to him ever and I was indeed helpless. My mother on the other hand, whom I adored, spoke beautiful words to me and never harmed me directly, also would not protect me. She spoke so sweetly but never made me feel safe, never made me feel heard or understood, lacked true empathy.

It takes years to heal from all of this. And yet so much good happens as the years pass. Many people come into our lives to help us heal and grow. The hardest part sometimes is just when you think you have made it to the other side, you have yet another hurdle to get to you, to get to your happiness. It's a true handicap to suffer from abuse. We are constantly healing, undoing, working through etc. It can be so exhausting. But the alternative, to accept poor or unbalanced situations, friendships and relationships you unwittingly got yourself into is unacceptable.
 
We should make a song to the soul-sucking narc!:tantrum::lol:

I agree with @hopeful, @Rastafarai ! Let it out! You should have heard my rants the last 2 years of my marriage. They were endless! I'd endured for 20 MFing years so there was a lot to let go of.

These rants also mean you are ready. We are here to listen. Be proud of yourself for seeing the light early.:hug2:
 
@hopeful and @DarkJoy, thank you SO much for your online support. I can't wait for the day to say "I's freeeeeee!"

@DarkJoy, where is the ex now? Did you post your experiences in previous threads? If so, please direct me to where. Is he alone and want back in? Mine swear there are a line of women waiting for him and I should count my lucky stars. I don't recall there being a line for him when I met his narc behind. :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:
 
hopeful said:
Thank you for this, especially the bolded. For me my father from what I remember matches what you are saying. Pretend everything is ok or suffer the consequences even more severely. How I felt was of no concern to him ever and I was indeed helpless. My mother on the other hand, whom I adored, spoke beautiful words to me and never harmed me directly, also would not protect me. She spoke so sweetly but never made me feel safe, never made me feel heard or understood, lacked true empathy.

It takes years to heal from all of this. And yet so much good happens as the years pass. Many people come into our lives to help us heal and grow. The hardest part sometimes is just when you think you have made it to the other side, you have yet another hurdle to get to you, to get to your happiness. It's a true handicap to suffer from abuse. We are constantly healing, undoing, working through etc. It can be so exhausting. But the alternative, to accept poor or unbalanced situations, friendships and relationships you unwittingly got yourself into is unacceptable.
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Yes! Though i had no "safe" parent. Both of mine were that way with the bolded. Not everyone needs to do it this way but I spent the first 5 years in therapy ripping apart my childhood to figure out why I was the way I was then. It was not intentional. I'll tell y'all what happened:

When I tried to do current methods of "focusing on and healing the now, forget the past, learn new coping skills" I just spun my wheels. Couldn't figure ish out. Actually because there wasn't enough me to get a good grip on, i didnt have ANY (healthy) coping skills to build on. Smh. That newfangled method was completely useless. I had to become completely reborn into a new person. And i am still birthing myself. Lol. If that makes sense.

Its amazing, and consider it a miracle, that any of us see the light and break the cycle. We're stronger than we thought we were.
 
Rastafarai said:
@hopeful and @DarkJoy, thank you SO much for your online support. I can't wait for the day to say "I's freeeeeee!"

@DarkJoy, where is the ex now? Did you post your experiences in previous threads? If so, please direct me to where. Is he alone and want back in? Mine swear there are a line of women waiting for him and I should count my lucky stars. I don't recall there being a line for him when I met his narc behind. :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:
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No. In typical disordered fashion he had women lined up the minute I kicked him out. My story is in bits and pieces here. The bulk is when i first joined in 2012.

Unfortunately we still have a young one together and coparent. I have to talk to him weekly regarding the child. He's still with one of the losers he cheated with 6 years ago. Told me he will never marry or co habitate with her years ago. And he hasnt. Hope she's enjoying the disorder as much as I did :giggle:
 
@Rastafarai, I am so sorry you are going through this. Focus on what you need to do to get out. My ex thought I would fall apart and be begging for another chance at our marriage. Hasn't happened and it definitely will not. I've gotten the line that I will not find anyone who loves me like he does. I told him I surely hope not.
@DarkJoy, thanks so much for being open. It is truly a process of rebirth. I am constantly going back to giving the little girl I was the love and assurances I never got as a child. Like you said we have been conditioned to be like this....I know when I looked back at how I grew up there is no question about it.
@irsgirl, I'm glad you have a plan in place. I can understand not knowing if you are going to make it until that point. I was sure I was going to go mad. From the summer of 2014 to early 2015 I just wanted time to stop for me. I would drop my kids off to school and go home to cry. I had no energy to do anything.

I'll say I've read some great books over the last 10 months that have really helped to center me so I could really work on my stuff. There was a lot I needed to take responsibility for and that process also helped me to release all the stuff that wasn't mine that my ex would constantly guilt trip me about.
 
DarkJoy said:
It could be that (patience etc on the surface) but i will air my laundry to show that in my case, thats how codepency presents but not actually the complete internal process.

Its conditioning from childhood. Almost like brainwashing its that strong especially if indoctrinated from birth. In my case, I was taught to never question anything or such questions would be answered with extreme response. There was no choice but to "accept" ppl at their word or be abused outright.

As you get past childhood it becomes just another survival mechanism to avoid confrontation from a deep seated fear of retaliation. You seem accepting of the bs, but how many times have you actually thought "this is some bs!" Probably everyday. Outwardly, you appear over trusting, accepting and even perpetually naive. Hell you may even constantly complain to friends about the behavior but feel helpless (really its subconscious fear or even terror).

I have trained my daughter to question me (as annoying as it is) because that cycle has to stop.
Click to expand...

hopeful said:
Thank you for this, especially the bolded. For me my father from what I remember matches what you are saying. Pretend everything is ok or suffer the consequences even more severely. How I felt was of no concern to him ever and I was indeed helpless. My mother on the other hand, whom I adored, spoke beautiful words to me and never harmed me directly, also would not protect me. She spoke so sweetly but never made me feel safe, never made me feel heard or understood, lacked true empathy.

It takes years to heal from all of this. And yet so much good happens as the years pass. Many people come into our lives to help us heal and grow. The hardest part sometimes is just when you think you have made it to the other side, you have yet another hurdle to get to you, to get to your happiness. It's a true handicap to suffer from abuse. We are constantly healing, undoing, working through etc. It can be so exhausting. But the alternative, to accept poor or unbalanced situations, friendships and relationships you unwittingly got yourself into is unacceptable.
Click to expand...

................
 
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It's so crazy how this board and these topics help me to connect the dots. In my last relationship (or situationship rather lol), I noticed that when conflict happens, we don't talk about it. We just act like it never happened. The last time I even called him out on it - I said verbatim, are we gonna talk about it or pretend like this never happened either? How ironic. :ohwell:
 
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JustifiablyMe said:
You guys are making me think about something. I don't want to divulge too much into my childhood but lets just say I saw things that a child shouldn't see at the hands of my father. When I got older, I confronted him about it and he literally pretended as if it never happened; like I was crazy. Stuff that I witnessed with my own 2 eyes. Is this a form of gaslighting?
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Gaslighting can literally make ppl crazy too. Its utter mental violation meant to try and influence you to rewrite history.

My ex was expert at it. :ohwell:
 
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