Can You Be A Mistress?

[Mortons]

i actually think the argument could be made that a.) decrying an evolution of human behavior just because it's different from the way things used to be is not really a valid pov - that just because humans didn't used to be monogamous isnt reason enough to say humans SHOULDNT be monogamous, or that its not a valid progression of human behavior... or b.) that the emotional drama/passions/intensities that come with being or struggling to be monogamous (the passions of cheating, for example; freud had a theory about people cheating in order to feel close to their primary partner) serve to feed some deeply ingrained human social needs. but im sort of indifferent on the whole issue. all of the arguments for and against monogamy are plausible and defensible. i have a good feeling on where i stand on the monogamy line, and various economical/sociological/pyschological/biological rhetoric to back it up

I'm firm on the fact that female mating was for her best and brightest to become the father of children. When else in history did women select the lowest ranking genetic and social members to mate with besides this one? Didn't happen.

 

[CaraWalker]

I'm firm on the fact that female mating was for her best and brightest to become the father of children. When else in history did women select the lowest ranking genetic and social members to mate with besides this one? Didn't happen.

i have gone into a kind of denial on this issue. i just dont think about it anymore. i stick my fingers in my ears and go lalalalala

 

[Mortons]

i have gone into a kind of denial on this issue. i just dont think about it anymore. i stick my fingers in my ears and go lalalalala

if it makes you feel better most women don't believe that anymore so it's pretty much obsolete

 

[jennboo]

If not an act of aggression then perhaps an act of possessiveness. When I was younger I never wanted to get married. Now, I might for the right man. He needs to be well off, generous, and kind. I don't want to think about the other stuff discussed here lol.

I feel like possessiveness is an 'acceptably packaged' act of aggression toward another individual because it is often done under the guise of loving feelings and intent to protect. To want to possess another individual is wholly selfish because there is often little consideration of the feelings and desires of this other individual.

 

[SophieDulce]

I'm just trying to understand correctly, is cheating an act of karma or reaping what one sows? well I guess they are both the same. so in a way, that means you're saying it's out of one's immediate control. They clearly did something in a past life or did something awful to someone to attract a spouse that cheats on them--regardless if they were a mistress themselvrs or not. Nonethelss, I think I'm understanding you correctly, in the event of cheating the cheated on derved to be cheated on because they were cheaters in a past life, and the cheaters will be cheated on eventually because they cheated? I kinda understand what you are saying. makes sense. karma or not, people ultimately only get what they sow. Guess this kinda goes back to my post upthread, g-d makes no mistakes.

The act of cheating is a choice like anything else there are always consequences for actions positive or negative, it is what is. For some women maybe being cheated on is the push they need to get out of negative relationships and focus more on their self esteem. Maybe the man who cheats ends up with the mistress and they live happily ever after until he loses his money and he's old and broke no one wants or maybe the wife and husband realize they both value their marriage and want to work harder on their commitment to the marriage and each other, or maybe mistress as result of sleeping with married that she may have un resolved issues from her childhood and decides to work on herself. I think everything is a life lesson and it will keep coming back to you until you have learned ( general you)

 

[Mortons]

I do believe that monogamy is a beautiful thing when applied to two people who truly want it. Feeling roped into it because it is a touted norm (but not really) isn't the right way to go about it.

 

[barbiesocialite]

The act of cheating is a choice like anything else there are always consequences for actions positive or negative, it is what is. For some women maybe being cheated on is the push they need to get out of negative relationships and focus more on their self esteem. Maybe the man who cheats ends up with the mistress and they live happily ever after until he loses his money and he's old and broke no one wants or maybe the wife and husband realize they both value their marriage and want to work harder on commuting to the marriage and each other, or maybe mistress as result of sleeping with married that she may have un resolved issues from her childhood and decides to work on herself. I think everything is a life lesson and it will keep coming back to you until you have learned ( general you)

just so I'm clear.......

is cheating an act of karma for all those involved--directly or indirectly OR is cheating a choice?

 

[SophieDulce]

just so I'm clear....... is cheating an act of karma for all those involved--directly or indirectly OR is cheating a choice?

The cheaters are definitely putting the karamic wheel in motion which will come back. The spouses may or may not be paying off their karamic debt. Again these are my own personal Beliefs ..I'm all about free will

 

[ThirdEyeBeauty]

why not?...

Because I feel that my answers may regress to my late teens-early twenties viewpoint. In my late teens/early twenties I did not believe in marriage but did believe in long term fidelity. Now, I believe marriage is good for things such as raising children, possible financial stability, emotional security, etc. Yet, I date multiple men at the same time and I think it's a great idea. However, once commitment is established the couple should be faithful to each other for however long they want. I like to think of marriage as forever, though. So now I have to reassess my current viewpoints.

 

[InchHighPrivateEye]

I don't think its completely wrong to be a mistress. I do think that cheating is wrong and the person cheating should be held accountable though. I don't like that the slut label is automatically thrown onto a women who is a mistress yet the man who has cheated doesn't reap as many repercussions. If its a bit of fun for the mistress then no problem but the man should 100% be held accountable and the women shouldn't feel guilty for wanting it. It is useful to know that women who constantly go for married/unavailable men do it because of (sometimes) personal self esteem issues. There's an interesting article on psychologytoday.

The women shouldn't feel guilty for wanting it? What kinda fuccshyt is this? Y'all are on one

 

[SoopremeBeing]

On the other hand, I wouldn't mind having a few boytoys myself. One in LA , one in NY, and one in London. But my Scorpio nature wouldn't allow me to be anybody other than number 1.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

I will never understand this---I always wonder why do people care what other people do/think?

For a lot of people it's the misuse of the notion of karma, but others are just empathetic. My morals and ethics are questionable at best, but I try to avoid inflicting unnecessary harm to others.

The closest that I've ever come to being a mistress is "clean up woman" who may or may not have thrown some clutter into the mix to speed things up.

BTW - that mayor lady who brought you to that dinner is not an auntie figure, she's a pimp. Whether you realize it or not, you owe that wench some retribution with interest.

 

[TwistedRoots]

I have been and its probably the only thing in my life that I truly regret. I was young, needy, and plain stupid. I pray to God that I never have to live through what we put his wife through. Their marriage was terrible... She was terrible... But I was worse she didn't deserve me to intrude on their lives like that. I'm truly sorry... My stomach hurts just by typing this. It was fun and fruitful but it took way more from me than I ever intended on giving.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

I wouldn't do it period

 

[Priss Pot]

I couldn't knowingly be a mistress, since I like being #1. However, I'm sure it's easy to be #2 when you're already someone else's #1. Still too risky, though.

A few years ago when DH (we weren't married then) and I had gone through a breakup; I went on a date with a guy who I found out was married. He was telling me about his daughter and showing me pics, and I asked had he ever been married. He then told me that he was actually still married but they have an "arrangement" and they live as roommates. At that point, I knew this guy was full of sh!t, and all of the signs started becoming apparent (like how he had 2 cell phones, he communicated with me with the Blackberry but had all his family pics on his iPhone ). I kept my composure and debated if I should just walk out of the restaurant. But I stayed and ate . I text him the next day and told him I wasn't interested in getting involved with a married man.

 

[SophieDulce]

For a lot of people it's the misuse of the notion of karma, but others are just empathetic. My morals and ethics are questionable at best, but I try to avoid inflicting unnecessary harm to others. The closest that I've ever come to being a mistress is "clean up woman" who may or may not have thrown some clutter into the mix to speed things up. BTW - that mayor lady who brought you to that dinner is not an auntie figure, she's a pimp. Whether you realize it or not, you owe that wench some retribution with interest.

karma in (Hinduism and Buddhism) is the sum of a person's actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existences. Empathy ( not overt) I think is an internal guideline that keeps you from racking up a bunch of negative karmic debt or a lesson that has been learned already that keeps you in check.

 

[drappedup]

Personally, no.

I am an only woman. No ifs, ands, or buts. I know in recent years the whole "side chick" thing has become kind of trendy or whatever, but it's not for me. I wouldn't even be interested in that type of man anyway. Plus, I wouldn't help but think about the woman this man is cheating on. Even if I don't know her, why would I do something so hurtful and wrong to her? I put things out in the universe that I want to return to me. Why would I do this to someone else but not want someone else to do this to me?

 

[CurlyMoo]

This is true.

Married men like to talk. They are very emotionally needy or lonely. They will suffocate a mistress/side girlfriend. Litereally spend all day talking to her like new bfs/gfs talk nonstop on the phone. Sometimes it's overwhelming because they want so much love and affection. it's like dude dont you have wife you go home to talk to? IDK what their wives do to them but they are like neutered dogs compared to single men.

I definitely didn't feel used. Actually I kinda felt like I was using him even though he initiated everything. His wife was also a super busy businesswoman. Who knows if/when they actually spent time together. This was also a second marriage for both.

The root of all relationships with me, friend, family or lover---I am not a people pleaser. Want someone that wont meddle in your business without your permission or plot against you or maliciously hurt you intentionally? that's me. 9 timnes out of 10 I'm not thinking about you. ever. I'm almost always thinking about myself. wait, that sounds bad. damn I'm selfish as hell.

I am glad I made this thread because it's actually giving me insights into marriage and why people cheat.
My concern with getting involved with a married man are the feels.
I know I want a man of my own, and if he is giving me all of this attention there is a good chance I will seriously fall in love with him.

Do mistresses get really hurt in the end? erplexed

 

[CurlyMoo]

As much as I have been cheated on, I'm surprised I HAVEN'T dipped in the side chick pool yet.

Girl what are you waiting for?
Get money!

 

[SophieDulce]

Girl what are you waiting for?
Get money!

Lol

 

[CurlyMoo]

Okay many years ago a real estate agent I used to work with and I became friends.
His wife worked at the same company. I rarely saw her but saw him often.
He was interested in me seriously. Telling me he and his wife are separated and she was mean, a bad mother and blasé wee.
He wrote a letter expressing his deep emotions for me.
Always calling and leaving messages.

Well he and I were talking and I told him my air conditioning wasn't working.
He paid the landlord to put a unit in for me.
I was so shocked and happy.
He took me and his kids to this big luxurious house he said he bought and wanted me to live in it.
I thought that man was scamming me.
So I just smiled and talked with him.
But I never crossed the line into a sexual affair.

Then one day his wife showed up at my new job.
Talking about why is her husband paying for my rent and how she goes over the bills in the house.
I went right for it, gave her a hug and welcomed her to the gallery and blah blah.
Explained to her that her husband was very kind and that he wasn't paying for rent, it was an air conditioner because he felt sorry for me to have to do art work in the hot weather. Told her, her husband talks about her all the time and how pretty she was and how good it was to see her again. Blah blah.

This ninja wrote on the check my name and what the money was for.
I knew he was full of crap then. Trying to make the wife jealous.
Men are not that dumb to let the wife find that kind of stuff.
Could have gotten me killed or fired.erplexed

 

[TwistedRoots]

Do mistresses get really hurt in the end? erplexed

It really depends on the person...but I'd say most of the time yes. I wasnt really hurt persay but that woman did a number on my conscious... she snooped and she found me and almost everything about me...she asked him to call it off he said he couldn't because he was in love with me...She'd call me in the middle of the night crying...asking me to meet with her in person(nah boo) Family members harrassing me. It was waaaaay too much. Eventually, he left her but I couldn't partake in that relationship anymore... So I gave up "the life". I didn't really think about it anymore until when I got engaged she messaged my fiancé on FB to tell him about me.(She had kept up with me that entire time) Luckily he already knew... She said I didn't deserve to be happy...she's miserable. In short, YOU know the type of person you are don't put yourself in a taxing situation.

 

[Fine 4s]

^^ Yes, they are THAT dumb IMO.

 

[Fine 4s]

TwistedRoots
Wow! I dated this dude casually who started seeing another woman during his 'situation' with me. This girl called me on my home phone, on my cell phone and knew where I lived. I suspect she'd be the type to follow me like this even though SHE was number #2! But who knows what he was telling her.

In your case, sounds like that relationship was dying and had little to do with you. I'm sorry the wife went through this but sounds like she needs to move on now.

 

[FlowerHair]

Boy oh boy, this board sure has changed...

Like night and day, I tell ya.

 

[ambergirl]

Boy oh boy, this board sure has changed... Like night and day, I tell ya.

Or people are finally telling the truth...

 

[GeorginaSparks]

Yes i have been when i was a teenager. He was a lawyer married to this Asian woman to get her a green card. when she got it he divorced her and told me when it was final all excited. I asked him what he wanted me to do with the info he just gave me.

Would i do it again? Only if it would benefit me and my man. Thats what he says when i tell him i want a sugar daddy. He tells me to get him one too

 

[Naveah2050]

Or people are finally telling the truth...

This .....

 

[barbiesocialite]

BTW - that mayor lady who brought you to that dinner is not an auntie figure, she's a pimp. Whether you realize it or not, you owe that wench some retribution with interest.

In retrospect, I have to admit you are right.

Gawd I love that woman . She's one of my sheroes.wth did she have to get caught?! If I could I would follow her whole life pimp game.but.pit more effort into covering my tracks.

 

[barbiesocialite]

I have one final thought for this thread, nothing said here should deter anyone from marriage.

In fact, it should serve as an educational tool or enlightment or even preventative measure. In the event a woman finds herself in such a situation, it won't be.devastating as if its unfathomable or the end of the world. Its not worth breaking up your family by filing.for divorce. And the only people that destroy marriages are the two people in it.

Choose wisely. Be realistic.