Brother left Wife for Mistress

[*CherryPie*]

I'm just to some of y'all...

You don't have to clean up their messes. They have to do that themselves.

I can understand being angry and disappointed and telling them so... Etc... But disowning? That's forever? C'mon...

 

[JayAnn0513]

You would disown your child for a mistake that he made?........You would be the only one hurt in the end. Because you would never see him or your grandchild again.

Sonds like a woman scorned

This is not a mistake that he has "made", past tense. This is a mistake that he is continuing to make everyday. I would have his father talk to him about what a terrible mistake he is making and if he still didnt change I would tlak to him too. If he still refuses to step up and be a father to the child then he will be cut out of my will and no longer welcome in my home. When he comes back to his right mind then we can talk again.

Why wouldn't you see the grandchild? In the OP they still have a good relationship with the soon to be ex wife and grandchild. He's the one who abandoned a child. I would try and see the child as much as possible so he would know that he still has family that loves him. I have a very low tolerance for BS and this includes my children.

 

[cutiebe2]

I don't think not talking to your son in this situation is disowning him, just giving him an ultimatum. If he turns his life around then he is welcomed back. But no child should receive love from a parent that they are purposefully not giving to their own child!!!!!

I would be on the side of cutting him off. The only way he can come back in the house is with his son in tow. I don't think its harsh its just real life.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

It could never happen since I would have met his family at the wedding. Personally, I would never have a child with a man that was not my husband. It's no guarantee of course that you will remain married and raise the child together, but I am not going to intentionally set myself up to raise a child alone.

Most of my friends feel the same. Now that I think about it, none of my friends have out of wedlock children.

I'm sorry that your brother is acting so out of character. It must be difficult for everyone involved, especially since he now has another child.

I was wondering how you ladies would feel if you had a child for a man and he doesnt tell or introduce you or your child to his family. I guess he really loves the other woman cause he's still with her.

 

[simsim1980]

The whole family doesnt respect or believe him anymore. My parents been talking to him for months, my older brother and nephew's godfather talked to him...still nothing. When or if he calls, my mother cuss him out and then it would be weeks before she hears from him.

My mother is taking the whole thing harder than the wife. She feels ashamed when she talks to the wife cause her son is an a$$. The wife even tells my mom, the only thing they can do is leave my brother to time and pray for him. She's just happy that the family is standing by her son.

 

[Solila]

Yeah, I'd still cut him off. While he is sitting around trying to decide whether or not he wants to be a good father, his children are still growing up. Kids cost money, and if the help from the mothers and their families are not enough, and hes not doing anything to contribute......grandparents and his family members would most likely have to step in.

 

[MissJ]

But, just because he cheated on the wife does not mean he'll do it to the mistress...or future wife. I've seen cheaters end up in faithful relationships with the one they cheated with. Strange, I know right?

How do you know they were faithful?

 

[caltron]

I would let my brother know how I feel about the situation and the pain he would bring onto himself, but in the end, he's a grown man and has to live with his decisions. After I gave him my honest opinion, I would butt out and hold my tongue as best I could.

I also would welcome the child and I would be polite to the mistress, even though I probably would not like her. Being mean to the child's mother will affect the child just as badly as being mean to him/her. Kid's have such a strong connection to their parents when they're young that they feel that when people hate their parent, that people hate them as well.

I would do my best to be respectful of the ex-wife and make sure she is not placed in an awkward situation at family gatherings.

I really don't like to "rub people's noses" in their mess. What's done is done and trying to punish the brother or the mistress is just going to make things work. If the brother didn't learn what was right when he was coming up, it's too late to teach him anything at this point. Also, relationships are so complicated and are hardly ever as black and white as they appear on the surface.

The only way I would get more involved in a grown family member's business is if they are doing something illegal. For instance, if they are molesting a child, I would call the police. If they are dealing drugs, I would have to keep them out of my house until they quit, but I would look for opportunities to help them get out of the lifestyle.

 

[snillohsss]

This might come out harsh...but I am going to roll with it..

Where did he learn this behavior from? Where did it get the idea that abandoning his first born is an ok thing to do as a man? Yes...the cheating his wrong, but to abandon his own child? I would seriously question his sanity. Im joining the group of disowning as well.

 

[FemmeFatale]

Snilloh I was wondering the same thing, where did he learn that from? I would make his father go into that a**.

The coddling and enabling is part of the reason why a lot of black men are in the state that they're in, smh.

 

[TayMac]

This might come out harsh...but I am going to roll with it..

Where did he learn this behavior from? Where did it get the idea that abandoning his first born is an ok thing to do as a man? Yes...the cheating his wrong, but to abandon his own child? I would seriously question his sanity. Im joining the group of disowning as well.

Good question but OP said her parents have been together 45 years so who knows?

 

[lucy]

I would let my brother know how I feel about the situation and the pain he would bring onto himself, but in the end, he's a grown man and has to live with his decisions. After I gave him my honest opinion, I would butt out and hold my tongue as best I could.

I also would welcome the child and I would be polite to the mistress, even though I probably would not like her. Being mean to the child's mother will affect the child just as badly as being mean to him/her. Kid's have such a strong connection to their parents when they're young that they feel that when people hate their parent, that people hate them as well.

I would do my best to be respectful of the ex-wife and make sure she is not placed in an awkward situation at family gatherings.

I really don't like to "rub people's noses" in their mess. What's done is done and trying to punish the brother or the mistress is just going to make things work. If the brother didn't learn what was right when he was coming up, it's too late to teach him anything at this point. Also, relationships are so complicated and are hardly ever as black and white as they appear on the surface.

The only way I would get more involved in a grown family member's business is if they are doing something illegal. For instance, if they are molesting a child, I would call the police. If they are dealing drugs, I would have to keep them out of my house until they quit, but I would look for opportunities to help them get out of the lifestyle.

This is my thing. I really disagree with him not taking care of his firstborn, but thats really the only part I can comment on. I would really try to talk to him about supporting his child.

I dont know why their relationship fell apart. Had they been in a good place, the mistress probably wouldnt have had an opening. Why did the wife stop the divorce? From 2010 til now? How do we know that she isnt maliciously holding him in his marriage? I dont know anything, and Im just saying.

 

[firecracker]

I wouldn't want to meet the mistress or the child. I would lose all respect for my brother and feed his cheating behind with a long handled spoon.

She shouldn't have a problem with it because most heauxs know when you knowingly mess with a married man and have his child there could be life long ramifications for that behavior. She decided to have a love child so she needs to do what the OG's back in the day did with love children a la Diana Ross. Keep that sh!t quiet and on the low low til the child is grown.

The child is innocent but the mother designed his life from the moment she conceived.

I stopped speaking to my deadbeat dad brother once his daughter went off to University and he continued to act like she doesn't exist or at least need money.

I don't entertain men in my family or otherwise that do women blatantly dirty.

 

[snillohsss]

Good question but OP said her parents have been together 45 years so who knows?

Well I don't want to talk about the OP's Daddy, but there is a disconnect somewhere.

My father would have all types of feet in my brother's arse if he abandoned his child. That is just unacceptable behavior.

 

[Lynnerie]

I'm just to some of y'all...

You don't have to clean up their messes. They have to do that themselves.

I can understand being angry and disappointed and telling them so... Etc... But disowning? That's forever? C'mon...

These types of "messes"/mistakes affect more than just the 3 people involved. They affect everyone and future generations.

My uncle cheated on his wife. He has 3 kids all graduated and now a 4 year old child. He also had an outside child while they were dating. The baby momma named the girl the same name as the daughter with his wife. So he has 2 girls around the same age with the same name!!! And now I have the chick trying to talk to me on Facebook talkin bout I'm your cousin. I ain't neva met the chick. So yeah....It affects many.

 

[ChasingBliss]

He probably doesn't really "love" her, she's just the one putting up with his ish.

Exactly...AND he was thrown out, he didnt leave on his own. Men rarely leave their wives. The cycle will continue...these things never really turn out well. 360 is real whether one believes it or not.

 

[SouthernJewel]

It sounds like he and his wife were separated and he moved on. He and the wife separated end of 2009, she found out about the new chick, the new chick got preggers in 2011. AM I missing something? Your brother is trifling for not taking care of his son. He needs to get a divorce asap.

Why is your mom disowning the baby too? Its not his fault he was born into the BS. Your mom is wrong IMO. Maybe he isnt explaining to the fam b/c yall have already drawn your conclusions based on his wife. IJS...

 

[*CherryPie*]

I know very well that it affects a lot of people. And I'm not saying that it's okay. It's a horrible thing to do to a child! And it should come with harsh consequences. But I'm speaking as a mother and as if this was MY child. And no, I couldn't disown my child. I was speaking on him cheating on and leaving his WIFE. I was never speaking on him abandoning his child. I actually said it CLEARLY. I said "I couldn't disown my child just because he left and cheated on his wife".

These types of "messes"/mistakes affect more than just the 3 people involved. They affect everyone and future generations.

My uncle cheated on his wife. He has 3 kids all graduated and now a 4 year old child. He also had an outside child while they were dating. The baby momma named the girl the same name as the daughter with his wife. So he has 2 girls around the same age with the same name!!! And now I have the chick trying to talk to me on Facebook talkin bout I'm your cousin. I ain't neva met the chick. So yeah....It affects many.

 

[ladylibra_30]

Snilloh I was wondering the same thing, where did he learn that from? I would make his father go into that a**.

The coddling and enabling is part of the reason why a lot of black men are in the state that they're in, smh.

ITA, in the B/C, mothers raise their daughters and baby their sons much too often. It makes for sorry-arsed good-for-nothing men.

 

[*CherryPie*]

I just took some time to really think about this one. And I think it's because I have daughters and not sons that I can't really relate to this. But if that happened to my daughters, I KNOW that I would think the parents of the man should dis own him!

I have nephews that has done this VERY thing.... And i was the only one outraged! But they never really had to deal with any consequences. So maybe I'm just learned behavior on my part. Because I really think we should have disowned some of my nephews until they changed.

The more I look around at the men and so called fathers around me, and what the children have to deal with, I think many of them should be disowned until further notice....or permanently.
So I think that now agree with disowning because sometimes the harshest consequence is the only punishment they can understand.

 

[MamaBear2012]

I'm team disown him too. I have a family member that I haven't talked to in about 20 years because of his actions. And looking at how he continues to act, I may never talk to him again, and that's ok with me. I don't lose any sleep over it. In fact, I have more peace in my life without him in it.

 

[Ivonnovi]

Is Newt your brother?


j/k

 

[simsim1980]

It sounds like he and his wife were separated and he moved on. He and the wife separated end of 2009, she found out about the new chick, the new chick got preggers in 2011. AM I missing something? Your brother is trifling for not taking care of his son. He needs to get a divorce asap.

Why is your mom disowning the baby too? Its not his fault he was born into the BS. Your mom is wrong IMO. Maybe he isnt explaining to the fam b/c yall have already drawn your conclusions based on his wife. IJS...

There is 7 siblings...my 1 sister and this brother, people have to wonder if we are all from the same DNA. My parents raised us all the same way and 2 just deside to follow friends and company.

My brother was cheating with the mistress before they separated (he admit that), so its not a new chick. They separated, but still doing things as a family...I thought they were getting back together. He told wife that he stop talking to the mistress cause he wanted the marriage to work....I guess that was a lie.

The wife started the divorce, but my brother told her he wanted to try. THe wife said she cannot afford a divorce now and thought he would start it again since he moved on.

I don't agree with my mom for disowning the baby, but my brother has not come out and said he has another child. We found out from my older brother about the baby.

We don't take sides with anyone, I love everyone and I learn to forgive people. My brother introduce the wife to the family and said this is the woman I will marry. He told us when she was pregnant, so we all had a open relationship. I don't know what goes on behind close doors, but he was painting a wonderful picture. I think the wife thought he was cheating, but he would not admit to it at the time.

Brother was open about the wife and child, so I thought he would hve been open about this one. He want about ending the relationship wrong and should just MAN UP and file for divorce and take care of his child. My aunt said he must be embarrass lol

Sorry for the long post

 

[simsim1980]

This is my thing. I really disagree with him not taking care of his firstborn, but thats really the only part I can comment on. I would really try to talk to him about supporting his child.

I dont know why their relationship fell apart. Had they been in a good place, the mistress probably wouldnt have had an opening. Why did the wife stop the divorce? From 2010 til now? How do we know that she isnt maliciously holding him in his marriage? I dont know anything, and Im just saying.

I think he was messing with the mistress before he got married. If he wanted the mistress, why not marry her instead.

She said she say signs and would talk to my brother about her concerns, so I guess they were arguing a lot. The wife said my brother wanted to try and make things work. I dont think he has presented or started anything for divorce.

 

[Mortons]

Why should the parents be so quick to rush in and greet this new kid with open arms? I'm not saying its his fault, but it isn't the parents fault either. The parents would probably feel super ghetto and embarrassed introducing their married sons kid by another woman. Especially people who have been married 45 years and have friends who have done the same. Aint no way I would do it.

 

[firecracker]

You would disown your child for a mistake that he made?........You would be the only one hurt in the end. Because you would never see him or your grandchild again.

Sonds like a woman scorned

Different stokes for different folks. Where'd you get that woman scorned idea from?

My son was a jailbird for a minute. I disowned my son because he uses women and brought a innocent child into this world with a woman he used, disrespected and verbally abused.

After the first drama filled marriage ended I warned his arse not to use and marry a woman again for housing, to get on his feet etc and if he did I will not be his mother anymore. He did it again and hid it for a year from most of the family til a family death. I kept my word.

I don't entertain sorry arsed womanizin kneegrows even if I gave birth to one. He was raised by his father and around my scam da system don't wanna work siblings.

For some children disowning works and for others it doesn't. I know all the mean mess I told my son will surely prevent him from doing something silly to go back to jail and this marriage will last alot longer than the first because now he is out to prove me wrong. I'm so glad even though he isn't in my life.

 

[shenitab]

I have to say that for a period of time in my youth, my dad "disowned me" for doing something that I knew he wouldn't like. I did something and I hid it. When I got caught it was a wrap. My dad pretty much stopped talking to me. I think he was mad, hurt and disappointed. I would call my mom and dad's house and he would give my mother the phone. All I got was a "hey", and that was it.

I was a sad chick. A friend of mine told me that I needed to make things better with my dad because I was not the same person any more. I knew I did wrong and was not sure how to make it right. My friend told me to talk to my dad. I ended up apologizing and told him that I was sorry. Things got better after that. I have to say that I learned a huge lesson.

I don't know if people are saying that they would be willing to "disown" somebody forever. It sounds as if they are willing to "disown" until that person gets their self together. I have to say that I can understand that. Sometimes you have to leave a person to deal with their own foolishness and step back away from it. I really did learn a lesson when it came to having to deal with the consequences from decisions that I made. I can't say that it would work for everyone, but it worked for me.

From the other side of it, I understand now that sometimes you do have to distance yourself from someone that is doing foolishness even if it is someone that you love and care about. Sometimes you can get so wrapped up into what someone else is doing that you are more worried about them and their situation than they are. So if you have to stop answering their phone calls, or let them know what you are and are not willing to talk about - then that is your right. You can't let someone drive you crazy because they are acting crazy.

 

[Dacia38]

I honestly can't speak on dis-owning a grown child, but i doubt I would ever do it. He/She would have to really screw up and I'm talking murderer or rapist type stuff. One thing I can say for sure is that I would NEVER take it out on my grandchild. Even a grandchild born into foolishness. I don't care if I couldn't stand the childs mother. Never would I have a grandchild of mine out here in this horrible world not knowing that at least you always got grandma to turn too. At least not if I could help it. Heck...I'd love to disown my sister for the dumb issh she's doing now, but I can't because she has four under-aged daughters that I need to be there for just in case.

 

[nathansgirl1908]

Just because the child is innocent doesn't necessarily mean that the other family has to welcome them with open arms, jmo.

This. It annoys me when people act like you're supposed to have interaction with a child under these circumstances. Wouldn't be me.

 

[Theresamonet]

I feel like... When a man abandons their child, the whole entire world should turn their back on them. Their punishment should be complete exile... They should be cast away from our society.

These men can abandon their kids, sometimes leaving them all alone...but they still have friends, family, girlfriends, etc?! They should have NO companionship. They shouldn't even be allowed to own a dog...

I bet if these deadbeats knew that once left their families, they would have to immediately head off into the outskirts like gypsies, they'd take a moment to reconsider.