Can You Be A Mistress?

[Amarilles]

I don't think that I knowingly can.

However I did almost get sucked in once. Met a married guy at the gym a few years back, though he of course never said he was married, didn't wear his ring to the gym. He was so charming, read me like an easy-read. He mentioned a daughter once which made me think hmm.. I asked a bit about her and he mentioned a wife so matter-of-factly, so I reacted matter-of-factly too and treated him as such, even if we definitely had a spark. That one night where I found myself driving to the gym in my nice work clothes because he begged for me to come see him, that night I knew it'd be the last time that I'd see him. I could almost feel feelings for him rising, but I kept my cool and saw him that night, and we hung out at the gym parking lot until our 2 cars where the lasts one in that entire lot. And indeed it was the last time I saw him. I deleted his number and ignored his every text/call, and that was that.

Now that I'm married I'm glad that I was never inappropriate with him, despite some of his comments and compliments. In a way I would never knowingly do it because I wouldn't want it done to me, but that experience made me see how easy it can be to get suckered in to an unexpected situation, so I'm much less judgy. I don't know how women knowingly do it though.

 

[Naveah2050]

You aint no V FF, stop playing I think alot of women believe this but these days dont wanna say it/seem lke the one time and it's over no bs taker type

See I want to be the kind of woman who could be logical and overlook cheating but I know I would straight black out and go crazy on that *** no matter how calm I tried to be ---> If your gonna do it make sure I never find out cos once it's in the open there's no going back and no telling how I may react....a sister may end up on snapped

 

[Naveah2050]

^^^^HAHA! I don't mean to judge you or make you feel bad, but there is no type of arrangement. You just said he calls only at certain times while hiding out in his office. His wife is not agreeable to this situation. Hehe! I'm sorry. I'm tired so I might be finding this funnier than usual. Anyway. I'm enjoying this thread. Carry on.

What wife would be agreeable to this though?!! Especially the money part, without sex too to add insult to injury. I think it's the tricking off of family money that pushes women to the edge

 

[MuziqizLyfe]

I am honestly wondering, I am not trying to be harsh. It seems like so many folks aren't even getting married these days. You *know* a married man is only going to want you for a$$; most aren't looking for anything but to use the woman. I am wondering why is a person attracting only that caliber of man. Alot of times you get what you put out, ijs. Not saying the OP is throwing off low self-esteem, whore vibes but it's interesting. I can see if it's an occasional married dude, oh well. Lol. I give up.

I used to think this way....that men cheat for sex but over the years I've witnessed many situations that contradict that theory. I think this thought process makes a wife feel better but many times affairs are about way more than just sex.

I've seen emotional affairs and affairs where the man ended up marrying the mistress because he was truly in love with her. One of my coworkers confronted her husband's mistress and she said half the time they didn't even have sex. She was a bank teller and he used to like to listen to her talk about her day, it relaxed him and was a break from stress at home.

Some of these mistresses don't feel used...they feel like and are sometimes treated like they are in a relationships.There are trips, gifts, time spent... many times it's the wife feeling alone while hubby is off to Vegas with his mistress (true story) Idk... Maybe this is more common with white people affairs since those are the main ones I've seen and I've seen plenty... Lots of cheating goes down in hospitals

 

[barbiesocialite]

fluffyforever


Thanks for sharing!

There was no sex in my situation either. I'm pretty sure he had another side piece for that. After all, he liked strip clubs because we'd go together.

Excuse me if this is intrusive but are you seeing anyone else? Do you have a timeline to get rid of him or are you going to let things fall off organically?

 

[barbiesocialite]

I used to think this way....that men cheat for sex but over the years I've witnessed many situations that contradict that theory. I think this thought process makes a wife feel better but many times affairs are about way more than just sex.

I've seen emotional affairs and affairs where the man ended up marrying the mistress because he was truly in love with her. One of my coworkers confronted her husband's mistress and she said half the time they didn't even have sex. She was a bank teller and he used to like to listen to her talk about her day, it relaxed him and was a break from stress at home.

Some of these mistresses don't feel used...they feel like and are sometimes treated like they are in a relationships.There are trips, gifts, time spent... many times it's the wife feeling alone while hubby is off to Vegas with his mistress (true story) Idk... Maybe this is more common with white people affairs since those are the main ones I've seen and I've seen plenty... Lots of cheating goes down in hospitals

This is true.

Married men like to talk. They are very emotionally needy or lonely. They will suffocate a mistress/side girlfriend. Litereally spend all day talking to her like new bfs/gfs talk nonstop on the phone. Sometimes it's overwhelming because they want so much love and affection. it's like dude dont you have wife you go home to talk to? IDK what their wives do to them but they are like neutered dogs compared to single men.

I definitely didn't feel used. Actually I kinda felt like I was using him even though he initiated everything. His wife was also a super busy businesswoman. Who knows if/when they actually spent time together. This was also a second marriage for both.

The root of all relationships with me, friend, family or lover---I am not a people pleaser. Want someone that wont meddle in your business without your permission or plot against you or maliciously hurt you intentionally? that's me. 9 timnes out of 10 I'm not thinking about you. ever. I'm almost always thinking about myself. wait, that sounds bad. damn I'm selfish as hell.

 

[fluffyforever]

Deleted

 

[fluffyforever]

Deleted

 

[ThirdEyeBeauty]

I thought a mistress was someone involved in a sexual relationship but she may have extras such as money and so on but not vice versus. These examples sound like some other type of intimate relationships rather than sexual relationships which is what a mistress is.

 

[barbiesocialite]

I thought a mistress was someone involved in a sexual relationship but she may have extras such as money and so on but not versus. These examples sound like some other type of intimate relationships rather than sexual relationships which is what a mistress is.

I've dated everyone, male, female, old, young, married and single, the only person left probably someone with a pegleg lmao

Here's how it usually goes with married (male or female).....

Married people are the loneliest people on the planet. For example, I don't acquire new married friends only ones that are married were single when we met. Married people are emotionally needy. Married people usually are always in search of a BFF ecause half of the time they barely have friends any more if any at all. I avoid them like the plague because all they want to do is talk. Most affairs start as emotional affairs. Usually for a longgggggg time. Could be months to years. Wives get stability. Mistresses/girlfriends get love, affection, gifts and time.

Also....

Men like strip clubs for a reason.

Men also like prostitutes for a reason.

It's not messy. Get off, get in, get out. No drama. Most men understand it's dangerous to entertain a mistress. Mistress is playing with fire. Mistresses are GIRLFRIENDS. They remember when their wife was their girlfriend. They have to really be in a selfish, empty or dark space to go there. That's the ish more likely to ruin their marriage or get them caught in something they can't get out of.

 

[SoopremeBeing]

As much as I have been cheated on, I'm surprised I HAVEN'T dipped in the side chick pool yet.

 

[CharlieEcho]

Maybe...
But like the other poster, cheating is not a deal breaker for me. Having a baby with someone else, gambling and a drug habit are definitely reasons for me skate.

 

[Honey Bee]

I've been a sidepiece, not quite a mistress cuz wasn't nobody married. I didn't ask for gifts because, at that time in my life, all I wanted was some... well, you know. I didn't feel bad or catch feelings and when it was over, it was over. But, like barbie, I'm selfish. I take what I need and leave the rest.

I have, however, known two long-term mistresses, older women. One black, one white. Both expressed regret, but I think they did it wrong. Somebody else's man can't be your 'plan'. To make an analogy, it's a company you temp at, you don't plan to retire. Get your bags (only those with re-sale value, of course), get your jewelry, get your property, get your connects, and be out.

eta: And, although I'd never tell him, cheating isn't a deal-breaker for me. But babies out there and spending money on heaux? No. That's where I draw the line.

 

[fluffyforever]

Deleted.

 

[BGT]

I was for a short time. He's one of my frat brothers but lives in NJ. At first we bonded because his birthday is the day before mine. We started chatting and it was truly platonic. I knew he was married and he complained about his wife. They were separated. I even advised him about counseling and sticking by his vows because like I said, it was truly platonic at first. Then our convos started steering x-rated. I was curious mainly because he's Hispanic and I'd never been with a Hispanic man. We'd talk about what we would do if he ever visited but I never thought he would ever come visit so it was words only.

Well one day he texted me asking what I was doing 2 weekends from now because he had bought a plane ticket and was coming to visit me for a weekend. I'm not gonna lie: I had a lot of fun that weekend. Had a lot of amazing coloring, he spent lots of money on me and took me on some wonderful dates. I hadn't ever been treated that well before by a man. I even got sick and threw up and he took care of me.

He never talked about his wife after our initial convos so it was very easy to forget his marriage. He treated me like a GF and he was like a BF. That weekend together was almost perfect until that Monday morning when I was bringing him back to the airport and he put his wedding ring on. It really brought me back down to earth. I couldn't confront him then (because how could I get mad at a married man knowing he's married?) but after he left I just cried at what I had done. I felt so bad.

Well that was in October and I haven't seen him since. We talk once in a while but not daily like we used to. In fact he's been back down here last December but with his parents on vacation so we never saw each other. He's supposed to be here again next weekend for work so I guess I nigh see him.

I guess I don't really feel like a true mistress. It was more of a one time thing. The rest of the time we're basically text friends. I do feel bad for the wife because I know i'm not the only one. But he's not my only one either so

 

[Holla]

I thought a mistress was someone involved in a sexual relationship but she may have extras such as money and so on but not vice versus. These examples sound like some other type of intimate relationships rather than sexual relationships which is what a mistress is.

This. Absent sex, I don't consider secret friends to be mistresses.

 

[barbiesocialite]

This. Absent sex, I don't consider secret friends to be mistresses.

Hypothetically speaking, I would rather my husband have a side-piece or pay for it than have a mistress.

Mistresses are my nightmare. Those heauxs are dangerous.

And don't believe the Hollywood movies and television. Real life is a bit different.

MIstresses dont happen overnight. Mistresses arent for sex. That's an emotional attachment which is why they stay around for so long. They represent reallll time and effort invested in one woman. They are married men's girlfriends.I have a joke about this but there's a lot of truth it:

Married men are the best boyfriends ever.

no pressure for sex. courtship. time. He's interested in your life. supportive. It could--and usually does--- go on almost every day for months before sex enters the picture. Ninjas be wanted to hold hands n ish. talk to you about their day. you listen like you gaf--basically do the stuff the wife used to do to land him....

no ma'am. I'd rather a man take his butt to the strip club and throw dollas or have an accidental slip up. anything but a mistress.

 

[Femmefatal1981]

This. Absent sex, I don't consider secret friends to be mistresses.

That's a dangerous view to have....trust the sex is coming. It's just like any other courtship.

 

[ThirdEyeBeauty]

Yeah this thread is confusing me. In my mind people are describing secret friends, one-night stands with a married person, sugar daddies without the sex part of it (though most involve sex unless it's a really old man for example), and so on. A mistress may very well have children by the man so that type of relationship is not just sexual and move on. It could go on for years (especially if children are involved). A wife better understand the mistress could have a whole other life with her man. In my mind that's a real mistress. If that's not a deal-breaker then carry on.

 

[barbiesocialite]

That's a dangerous view to have....trust the sex is coming. It's just like any other courtship.

The people that leave their spouses & family for the mistress, sex didn't do it. It almost always started as an emotional affair. emotional infidelity is dangerous. In fact, I fear that more than cheating for sex.

Some people do have sexual affairs but I've found this common when both parties are married and cheating with each other. Other than that men will hire prostitutes or pay a stripper for a bj.

 

[ThirdEyeBeauty]

That's a dangerous view to have....trust the sex is coming. It's just like any other courtship.

True. It can happen to any married/LTR man who has a non-related friendship with a woman.

 

[ThirdEyeBeauty]

The people that leave their spouses & family for the mistress, sex didn't do it. It almost always started as an emotional affair. emotional infidelity is dangerous. In fact, I fear that more than cheating for sex.

Some people do have sexual affairs but I've found this common when both parties are married and cheating with each other. Other than that men will hire prostitutes or pay a stripper for a bj.

Too true. The two men I knew who wanted to leave their wives were not in a sexual relationship with the other woman. Both men said the other woman was his best friend and he could talk to her about anything. Ladies it is real when you become your significant other's best friend you truly have a good thing going. People marry for different reasons so maybe some women don't want to be best friends with their husbands.

Emotionally infidelity will end the marriage. These two men are stuck on the other woman. All due to the emotionally feelings created by that woman. Scary.

 

[BackToMyRoots]

I can't believe this is even a topic. On one hand we complain about absent fathers, broken marriages, and single parent households caused by infidelity, what a shame it is, and how it is effecting the black community and our off spring but on the other hand we are saying we don't mind being side hoes and if he is cheating or not is him and his wife's business. I'm not going to spare any ones feeling or be PC. Knowingly participating in a side relationship for money and sex is straight up trashy. What about the wife/husband? What about possible std's? What about their union? Do vows mean so little today? What about the kids/ family? What about the people that would get hurt? Do y'all have no shame? So what he was looking for a** outside his marriage. Just because he is a cheater doesn't mean it's okay to indulge as well. The same women advocating being side hoes are the same who are going to be distraught once they get married or in a committed relationship and find their man has been sleeping with every jane that gave him the eye. Close your legs to married men! Doesn't any one value marriage and commitment anymore?

Some women are just mistress and side piece material. I'm not...there is no hypothetical where that would work for me.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Some women are just mistress and side piece material. I'm not...there is no hypothetical where that would work for me.

 

[BackToMyRoots]

Oh boy........

 

[Holla]

I know that sex can happen with friends but in a lot of cases it doesn't (much like examples in this thread). I'd be pissed if hubby was spending large amounts of money or time secretly on anything even if he were doing it by himself (gambling, shopping sprees for himself, etc.). The need for secrecy is troubling as is any large expenditure that purposely excludes the wife. I don't like secret friends either but I don't consider them to be mistresses. A secret friend is troubling (as is a one-night stand, etc) but far less troubling than a mistress.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Too true. The two men I knew who wanted to leave their wives were not in a sexual relationship with the other woman. Both men said the other woman was his best friend and he could talk to her about anything. Ladies it is real when you become your significant other's best friend you truly have a good thing going. People marry for different reasons so maybe some women don't want to be best friends with their husbands.

Emotionally infidelity will end the marriage. These two men are stuck on the other woman. All due to the emotionally feelings created by that woman. Scary.

Honestly it's scary for the mistress too. Well at least it was for me. I've dated two married men, the first was the one posted about. The other was @ 19 when I had a blog on Xanga and this guy that my friends knew from their blogs. He chased me. VERY hard. That was the one of the most eye opening and impacting relationship of my life even though it only lasted around a little over 4 or 5 months. I literally would spend all day talking to him. He would drive from Jersey to come see me. I would take trips to NYC to chill with him after work. He'd call me on the way to pick up his kids, I knew their damn sport schedule and what time they got out of school. He'd call me on his way home or whenenever he wasn't literally in his house. Cant believe I'm admitting the following but I got into a verbal sparring war wiith his other mistress, who also wasnt having sex with him. But I was jealous because I though he was talking to her about things he usually talks to me about.

I learned right then and there, it is very possible for a married man to fall in love with another woman and vice versa. Fortunately for me, I have commitment issues I'm working on that kinda make me a "kiss & run" type of girl but I can see how other more normal women looking for love get completely wrapped up and hold on to a relationship with a married man (or any worthless man for that matter) even though they know they shouldnt.

Now it's something I'm mindful of which is why I'm not too keen on married people having opposite sex friends. It's also why I have a thing about boundaries in certain relationships and its impact on marriage. I won't let my female married loved ones discuss certain things with me that I think they should be discussing with their husband. I've never had sex with either married man. But these were one of the most emotionally demanding relationships of my life. They were so clingy. So needy. It was weird. Single men don't act like that. emotionally infidelity is playing with fire. you can really get caught up....

Let's no forget my highschool friend who's father has been married to her mother's best friend aka godmother for the past decade. And my uncle, who married his female friend who was dating his best friend before him. He emotionally consoled her, now I've been stuck with her in my family for the past 15 years.

 

[kanozas]

Everybody needs something s/he's not getting in a romantic relationship. Everyone goes through moments of staleness but the difference between those who cheat and those who don't are 1)strong moral sense and 2) adherence to commitment. You can desire to do something wrong and you can do something wrong you desire. It's all in the action and waiting to break through the impasse. People don't know what commitment and loyalty are and I'm not going to bemoan those who experienced divorce. I'm referring to dishonesty. It's better to break off completely than to lie to the partner. Some contracts need come to an end. Better to be up-front about it to be fair and allow the partner choice and renewal.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Everybody needs something s/he's not getting in a romantic relationship. Everyone goes through moments of staleness but the difference between those who cheat and those who don't are 1)strong moral sense and 2) adherence to commitment. You can desire to do something wrong and you can do something wrong you desire. It's all in the action and waiting to break through the impasse. People don't know what commitment and loyalty are. It's better to break off completely than to lie to the partner.

what's lying though?

Everybody that engages in affairs, emotional or sexual, isn't a liar.

loyalty and trustworthy are two different things.


Plenty of loyal cheaters out there. Been married 40 years. Are they triflin? yes. Are they loyal? facts speak for themselves.


I can only speak for myself, I'm loyal. ride or die. consistent for my people. I rarely lose friends. No one can ever accuse me of betraying them. Now, am I the most trustworthy person? welp, that's a matter of debate.

 

[kanozas]

^^^The moral sense you portray here is not biblical, sorry. Lying means not confronting the spouse of the affair. You can even lie to yourself that it's "OK" to do such.