Can You Be A Mistress?
- Thread starter CurlyMoo
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barbiesocialite
Well-Known Member
I regularly have this conversation with my grandmother about how naive and clueless a lot of my newlywed friends are because no one ever tells them about the dark ugly side of marriage. Its so frustrating to hear. To date, of the black newlyweds I know, my money is only on about 2 actually lasting. But these are two very realistic couples. as for the rest, they are youngest children, children of divorced/single parents or product of remarried parents. Some parents are also the type that dont argue or fight in front of the children wjich also leaves some in the dark. They don't have the opportunity to experience the number of stupid mistakes people make early on, arent around for the years couples separate than get back together, or don't have grandparents that are willing to divulge the dark side of their own marriages that has long passed.
These are important things that young singles and newlyweds need to know but have no idea exists. So once they go through it they are so quick and ready to bail out or jump ship when what they are going through is really typical or common to many marriages, past and present.
ambergirl
Well-Known Member
Kilacurlz I deleted your quote because you asked us to. But how sad is it that on an anonymous board someone can't share their truth out of fear of making others "uncomfortable" or that people will use that against the poster in the future.
I am glad you had the courage to post your story. My home computer is acting up but I am pulling together some resources for you and will send via PM when I can. You are not alone and you can heal from this. Blessings.
I am glad you had the courage to post your story. My home computer is acting up but I am pulling together some resources for you and will send via PM when I can. You are not alone and you can heal from this. Blessings.
barbiesocialite
Well-Known Member
Thanks for sharing this momi.
So many helpful posts all across the board in this thread. This is like one of those unexpected gems of a thread.
sj10460
Don't Come for me unless I send for you!
you know darn well this board isn't anonymous. And you have a terrible habit of quoting sensitive posts.
ambergirl
Well-Known Member
How is this board not anonymous? I don't know anyone on this board and everyone uses aliases. I quoted the post because the poster specifically said she wanted to tell her story. I deleted it because she asked us to. Pretty simple.
ambergirl
Well-Known Member
Unless folks are hacking accounts, which I wouldn't put it past some people, I honestly don't get why you think the board is not anonymous. But okayummmm hmmm...oh, okay
qchelle
Well-Known Member
I've never understood congratulating couples on staying married for long periods of time. Like 20+ yrs. And asking for advice from them...like please lol who cares? Maybe I'm bring cynical and shouldn't make assumptions. ...but if you've done something,anything, for 30yrs of course bad stuff has happened. ...you just decided to continue for whatever reason. "You've been married 30yrs omgggg how can I make my marriage work, too? !" Stay married, don't get divorced lol. Or is the question really "how do I prevent bad things from happening to something (anything ) until I die?" LOLZ.
Hey hey now, my post may not jive with the rest of the thread, I'm just skimming now. If it doesn't, my bad, homeslices.
Hey hey now, my post may not jive with the rest of the thread, I'm just skimming now. If it doesn't, my bad, homeslices.
InchHighPrivateEye
Well-Known Member
My family members told me about the issues in their marriage when I got engaged as well and said she hoped I wouldn't have to experience them.
I don't see anyone being naive to the existence of adultery and the fact that people may cheat. However, when it comes in the posture of "I might be open to being a mistress because idgaf and if you have a problem with that then you should know it's likely for men to cheat" then devolves into a discussion of the history and value of mistressdom, that is where it comes across as condonation.
No one is shocked that spouses cheat and that long marriages have been long suffering. It is the invocation of these facts to defend "why yes I would because idgaf. It already happens" that is putting ppl off, accompanied by the sleight of hand that comes with calling ppl naive like the concept we are discussing isn't fairly simple. No one is shocked by cheating or the commonality of it, and there's room for naïveté in all sides of the discussion. For instance, I don't take seriously a claim that someone would be unbothered by the cheating of a future spouse when they are bothered that strangers don't agree with their comments on a message board. Your sensitivity about one thing betrays your claims about nonchalance for the other thing. It's bravado. Now, this doesn't include Barbie bc she already said she'd cuss everybody out, and she tends not to care who agrees with her or who doesn't. But some posters are like "nah, I don't love em. Marriage isn't simply about love. I do what I want!" And then wanna call ppl naive and stuff when people post in reply. Which is why I'm thinking....no, honey. You're not about that life either--you just aren't there yet.
Maybe there are posters who honestly weren't aware that infidelity is an occurrence in marriages oftentimes but that's not what I'm getting from any posts in here. I'm getting disgust at the idea of "it happens so idgaf because it was happening before me so let me run down history and act like you're silly when you disagree with me." People tend not to like the sleight of hand with any topic, not just this one. I'll repeat: it's circular.
I don't see anyone being naive to the existence of adultery and the fact that people may cheat. However, when it comes in the posture of "I might be open to being a mistress because idgaf and if you have a problem with that then you should know it's likely for men to cheat" then devolves into a discussion of the history and value of mistressdom, that is where it comes across as condonation.
No one is shocked that spouses cheat and that long marriages have been long suffering. It is the invocation of these facts to defend "why yes I would because idgaf. It already happens" that is putting ppl off, accompanied by the sleight of hand that comes with calling ppl naive like the concept we are discussing isn't fairly simple. No one is shocked by cheating or the commonality of it, and there's room for naïveté in all sides of the discussion. For instance, I don't take seriously a claim that someone would be unbothered by the cheating of a future spouse when they are bothered that strangers don't agree with their comments on a message board. Your sensitivity about one thing betrays your claims about nonchalance for the other thing. It's bravado. Now, this doesn't include Barbie bc she already said she'd cuss everybody out, and she tends not to care who agrees with her or who doesn't. But some posters are like "nah, I don't love em. Marriage isn't simply about love. I do what I want!" And then wanna call ppl naive and stuff when people post in reply. Which is why I'm thinking....no, honey. You're not about that life either--you just aren't there yet.
Maybe there are posters who honestly weren't aware that infidelity is an occurrence in marriages oftentimes but that's not what I'm getting from any posts in here. I'm getting disgust at the idea of "it happens so idgaf because it was happening before me so let me run down history and act like you're silly when you disagree with me." People tend not to like the sleight of hand with any topic, not just this one. I'll repeat: it's circular.
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InchHighPrivateEye
Well-Known Member
Kilacurlz you aren't making anyone uncomfortable. Your posts had teachable moments for anyone on either end of the spectrum of this discussion--people who naively believe they can act without being affected by the feelings/effects on the person affected and people who naively think these things don't happen. I wish the best for you and your children. Please take care of yourself.
Honey Bee
Well-Known Member
Yeah... but I'm coming to realize that a lot of modern marriages function more like formalized 'bf/gf' relationships.
FemmeFatale
Well-Known Member
Excellent post. I don't buy the idgaf stuff either, ESPECIALLY when people start over explaining themselves, start to get low key emotional and not take full ownership.
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barbiesocialite
Well-Known Member
Elaborate please.
GL925
Well-Known Member
I just want to clarify the last statement: I NEVER said that mistresses are sometimes necessary or that they save relationships. I specifically stated that while I don't endorse anything I wanted to share this link I came across that relates to this topic and some of the opinions shared.
This thread has opened my eyes to a lot of things and I'm grateful for it.
Femmefatal1981
Well-Known Member
Because it's not. I have met several posters in real life, we are FB friends, some of us follow each other on Twitter and Instagram. Heck I've have my Instagram posted on the gossip Tumbler page, so I had to make it private. Some folks are creepy....Unless folks are hacking accounts, which I wouldn't put it past some people, I honestly don't get why you think the board is not anonymous. But okay
Basically it's as anonymous as you make it.
Femmefatal1981
Well-Known Member
You always burst into threads and say the darnedest things....but they are usually very true
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Christina Dior
Well-Known Member
There is no such thing as having a good marriage with a mistress i dont care what anyone says. Diseases are real and most men men simply aren't strapping up and if they are its only during intercourse most men aren't getting their peen sucked off with protection on .... prostitutes have men begging them and paying extra to take off the rubber. that's why people getting these diseases and bringing it home smh. men can practice self control .its possible to stay on path... cheating once or twice may happen but if they love you and care for your health they will get it together.
sj10460
Don't Come for me unless I send for you!
I'm only responding to the bold. Some women are taught/raised/condition to accept infidelity. For many, it's what men do/they are different from women/they can't control themselves/it's just sex/
as long as he's paying the bills and comes home to you, that's all that matters...In the "old days" men had multiple families/hidden families that no one talked about. Daddy would be gone for a few days and mommy took care of the house/family. No questions asked...I think once women started working more and earn enough pay is when the attitude started shifting.I think most women if not all, have been cheated on. Maybe not in their current relationships but previous ones/future ones. You leave a cheating man to pick up a woman beater/ liar, a gambler, a man who can't keep a job/ an addict/substance abuser, "drinker" ie. You trade one vice for another. YOU have to decide what you can live with and what your deal breaker is.
So, yes some women may not actually care that their partner cheats or has cheated because some expect it and others really don't care...everyone wants their thoughts heard/respected and want to feel like their opinion matters. No one wants to be told "No, you are stupid. Your opinion doesn't matter. You are wrong."
ambergirl
Well-Known Member
Exactly. If you're doing those things then that's your choice. But I'd like to believe that anonymity can be maintained here (save criming to get info) unless you choose otherwise.
Femmefatal1981
Well-Known Member
I can think of 2 posters who shared very little info about themselves who had their real life identities revealed.....I don't know if the law was broken to do it but it happened. Most people have pretty large digital footprints and there used to be some really obsessive people who dedicated large blocks of time to finding out if people lived the lives they posted about online. That was maybe 3-4 yrs ago. It's calmed down a lot since then
BackToMyRoots
Happy
I was kinda being tongue in cheek with that last summary.
barbiesocialite
Well-Known Member
I'm only responding to the bold. Some women are taught/raised/condition to accept infidelity. For many, it's what men do/they are different from women/they can't control themselves/it's just sex/
I think most women if not all, have been cheated on. Maybe not in their current relationships but previous ones/future ones. You leave a cheating man to pick up a woman beater/ liar, a gambler, a man who can't keep a job/ an addict/substance abuser, "drinker" ie. You trade one vice for another. YOU have to decide what you can live with and what your deal breaker is.
So, yes some women may not actually care that their partner cheats or has cheated because some expect it and others really don't care...everyone wants their thoughts heard/respected and want to feel like their opinion matters. No one wants to be told "No, you are stupid. Your opinion doesn't matter. You are wrong."
This is true. Cheating isn't a dealbreaker but then again, I'm a fan of *slightly* open relationships. That polyamorous marriage we saw a few days ago is my dream but highly unlikely to find black folks ok with that. But thats most of my feelings because I know me. What i do, how I am. In my relationship, im usually the bad guy. So applied to cheating, its not something I'm bothered by as long as I don't see it. Don't ask, don't tell. But I find out or feel uncomfortable we have a problem. But drinking, drugs(even weed), tempers and losing his job are certified deal breakers for me. I don't like men who drink. Period. For example, men who keep alcohol in their house is a deal breaker. I drink but I don't date or like.men who do. Losing his job will make me pack up my stuff and move in with my parents. I will not live through that. I may not file for divorce but that right there is not OK. Even if he is not at fault. Some women will bear through a man with a temper, get drunk with SO or will support a man financially. That's their choice. I think it should be immoral but clearly they don't.
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sj10460
Don't Come for me unless I send for you!
I was just about to say, I've been around these parts for a min and I'm sure there are people that have never been to a meet up or shared their social media and people know who they are.
InchHighPrivateEye
Well-Known Member
I'm only responding to the bold. Some women are taught/raised/condition to accept infidelity. For many, it's what men do/they are different from women/they can't control themselves/it's just sex/
As I said earlier, people with that POV tend to have a certain hopelessness*, so it's fine, but that wouldn't be the person to call anyone else naive.
*and if we disagree about this, about the hopelessness of having a young girl who doesn't live in a polygamous society conditioned to accept unilateral cheating, if we disagree about that as hopeless as much as we discuss the value of stability and as much as I've seen ppl say "I wouldn't date a man who didn't come from this type of home or that type of home" then I'm going to need an explanation of some of the principles espoused elsewhere around here.
Now, I don't disagree that some women HAVE been conditioned to accept such, but that is not the norm. Is cheating a somewhat common occurrence? Yea. Is being conditioned to daddy not coming home for days common? No. So if that's your reality and you still choose to accept it, cool. I'm not naive to the fact that some women live as such. If that's your reality and you choose to live with such laissez faire that you're going to impose that reality onto somebody else's life is their husband is weak dog enough to let you: fine again. But to have issue with somebody not liking that like we are all out here living that? That's naive. To be a mistress that doesn't end up killing herself, I would presume you need to not be so affected by the judgments of another, in the interest of self preservation at the very least. If being told "you're stupid, you're wrong" hurts the feeling of one who purports to be a mistress then that's sad because...your feelings are going to end up hurt. Which relates back to my thoughts on the hopelessness of such a way of life.
Then too, like I said in an earlier post: some ppl are out here thinking they're being a mistress and that ain't what that is. If he slept with you and never called again, baby you are not a mistress, dear heart.
sj10460
Don't Come for me unless I send for you!
InchHighPrivateEye the same way you can make arguments that it's immoral someone else can argue the rationale of it...In America Polygamy illegal. Normal is relative and subjective. As previously stated, each individual has to decide what's best for them and their family.
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ambergirl
Well-Known Member
Not to derail the thread but I know all of that and I get that people are trying to protect her. My 10 year anniversary is coming up and I have seen it all. Including people meeting up and then shaming one another on this board.
There is nothing shameful about Killacurlz's original post. If she deleted it because she didn't want it out there I understand especially given that some people here are shady and small enough to try and use that against her. But she said that was her first time sharing her story and it made her feel better to get the support. It's a d*mn shame that a poster sharing her painful truthful story is so problematic on a thread where people are making all kinds of bragadocious, fantastical, IDGAF, claims and no one seems to think those are out of order or potentially embarrassing if they were tied to a real life identity.
InchHighPrivateEye
Well-Known Member
Eta: what's weird is that I'm sure I was on this board bf 2010 because I remember old gates as they happened, and because I got so bad that I started taking notes by hand and leaving my laptop at home to make sure I didn't distract myself in class and I graduated in '09. So what is my join date talking about? Lol
oh, absolutely.
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Femmefatal1981
Well-Known Member
I totally agree. I've had things happen to me that I wanted to run and share in OT but I was like...
pass....Similar threads
