DragonPearl
Good question. A lot is involved in "preparing" for ME. Understanding human nature, removing judgement from the action, not making it about me etc. years of mental conditioning! Who knows if it will truly prepare me but it's worth a try. The concept of marriage needs to evolve with the way we think and behave today. This notion is untraditional but it's interesting. I enjoyed this documentary on marriage called www.afterhappilyeverafter.
I'd prepare as I would for other life events. Why do I have insurance, savings or would agree to a prenup? Some people plan financially all to not be blindsided to the realities of dealing with another human being with as many flaws if not more than you. Different people prepare differently. For example, I know someone who envisions the worse so HE gets used to it. Weird, but that's what works for him. I agree it can seem a little depressing but this LIFE. It ain't pretty. As long as I can walk away with my assets, I'll be ok....or so I think! Lol
I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. Hopefully your story will give someone pause before they consider cheating.
When I first married I my grandma gave me a piece of advice. Unfortunately it syncs with info shared in this thread. She said any woman who has been married for a significant length of time has gone through something. If they claim they haven't they are either lying or extremely naive.
That was to the last thing I wanted to hear with my blissfully newlywed self - but I've never forgotten her counsel.
Be encouraged - you can make it through this whether you decide to remain in the marriage or not.
Kilacurlz I deleted your quote because you asked us to. But how sad is it that on an anonymous board someone can't share their truth out of fear of making others "uncomfortable" or that people will use that against the poster in the future.
I am glad you had the courage to post your story. My home computer is acting up but I am pulling together some resources for you and will send via PM when I can. You are not alone and you can heal from this. Blessings.
you know darn well this board isn't anonymous. And you have a terrible habit of quoting sensitive posts.
Unless folks are hacking accounts, which I wouldn't put it past some people, I honestly don't get why you think the board is not anonymous. But okayummmm hmmm...oh, okay
So once they go through it they are so quick and ready to bail out or jump ship when what they are going through is really typical or common to many marriages, past and present.
My family members told me about the issues in her marriage when I got engaged as well and said she hoped I wouldn't have to experience them.
I don't see anyone being naive to the existence of adultery and the fact that people may cheat. However, when it comes in the posture of "I might be open to being a mistress because idgaf and if you have a problem with that then you should know it's likely for men to cheat" then devolves into a discussion of the history and value of mistressdom, that is where it comes across as condonation.
No one is shocked that spouses cheat and that long marriages have been long suffering. It is the invocation of these facts to defend "why yes I would because idgaf. It already happens" that is putting ppl off, accompanied by the sleight of hand that comes with calling ppl naive like the concept we are discussing isn't fairly simple. No one is shocked by cheating or the commonality of it, and there's room for naïveté in all sides of the discussion. For instance, I don't take seriously a claim that someone would be unbothered by the cheating of a future spouse when they are bothered that strangers don't agree with their comments on a message board. Your sensitivity about one thing betrays your claims about nonchalance for the other thing. It's bravado. Now, this doesn't include Barbie bc she already said she'd cuss everybody out, and she tends not to care who agrees with her or who doesn't. But some posters are like "nah, I don't love em. Marriage isn't simply about love. I do what I want!" And then wanna call ppl naive and stuff when people post in reply. Which is why I'm thinking....no, honey. You're not that life either--you just aren't there yet.
Maybe there are posters who honestly weren't aware that infidelity is an occurrence in marriages oftentimes but that's not what I'm getting from any posts in here. I'm getting disgust at the idea of "it happens so idgaf because it was happening before me so let me run down history and act like you're silly when you disagree with me." People tend not to like the sleight of hand with any topic, not just this one. I'll repeat: it's circular.
Yeah... but I'm coming to realize that a lot of modern marriages function more like formalized 'bf/gf' relationships.
I'm not sure how the thread got into all the other stuff...but essentially some people believe it's wrong to be a mistress, some think it's not. It seems condemnation is being equated with denial.
Anyhoo this is my summary of the various opinions in the thread
Could you be a mistress?
No, I would never be a mistress...I value myself too much to be second place
No, and I would never knowingly allow a mistress in my marriage either
No, and I'm not worried about mistresses in my relationship
No, I think it's wrong
Yes, and I would do it again
Yes, I have but I was foolish
Yes, it wasn't that serious
Yes, his wife ain't my problem...our adulterous relationship is their problem, not mine.
Yes, mistresses are a part of life...deal
Yes, mistresses are sometimes necessary! They even save relationships...here's a link
Because it's not. I have met several posters in real life, we are FB friends, some of us follow each other on Twitter and Instagram. Heck I've have my Instagram posted on the gossip Tumbler page, so I had to make it private. Some folks are creepy....Unless folks are hacking accounts, which I wouldn't put it past some people, I honestly don't get why you think the board is not anonymous. But okay
You always burst into threads and say the darnedest things....but they are usually very trueI've never understood congratulating couples on staying married for long periods of time. Like 20+ yrs. And asking for advice from them...like please lol who cares? Maybe I'm bring cynical and shouldn't make assumptions. ...but if you've done something,anything, for 30yrs of course bad stuff has happened. ...you just decided to continue for whatever reason. "You've been married 30yrs omgggg how can I make my marriage work, too? !" Stay married, don't get divorced lol. Or is the question really "how do I prevent bad things from happening to something (anything ) until I die?" LOLZ. Hey hey now, my post may not jive with the rest of the thread, I'm just skimming now. If it doesn't, my bad, homeslices.
My family members told me about the issues in her marriage when I got engaged as well and said she hoped I wouldn't have to experience them.
I don't see anyone being naive to the existence of adultery and the fact that people may cheat. However, when it comes in the posture of "I might be open to being a mistress because idgaf and if you have a problem with that then you should know it's likely for men to cheat" then devolves into a discussion of the history and value of mistressdom, that is where it comes across as condonation.
No one is shocked that spouses cheat and that long marriages have been long suffering. It is the invocation of these facts to defend "why yes I would because idgaf. It already happens" that is putting ppl off, accompanied by the sleight of hand that comes with calling ppl naive like the concept we are discussing isn't fairly simple. No one is shocked by cheating or the commonality of it, and there's room for naïveté in all sides of the discussion. For instance, I don't take seriously a claim that someone would be unbothered by the cheating of a future spouse when they are bothered that strangers don't agree with their comments on a message board. Your sensitivity about one thing betrays your claims about nonchalance for the other thing. It's bravado. Now, this doesn't include Barbie bc she already said she'd cuss everybody out, and she tends not to care who agrees with her or who doesn't. But some posters are like "nah, I don't love em. Marriage isn't simply about love. I do what I want!" And then wanna call ppl naive and stuff when people post in reply. Which is why I'm thinking....no, honey. You're not that life either--you just aren't there yet.
Maybe there are posters who honestly weren't aware that infidelity is an occurrence in marriages oftentimes but that's not what I'm getting from any posts in here. I'm getting disgust at the idea of "it happens so idgaf because it was happening before me so let me run down history and act like you're silly when you disagree with me." People tend not to like the sleight of hand with any topic, not just this one. I'll repeat: it's circular.
Because it's not. I have met several posters in real life, we are FB friends, some of us follow each other on Twitter and Instagram. Heck I've have my Instagram posted on the gossip Tumbler page, so I had to make it private. Some folks are creepy.... Basically it's as anonymous as you make it.
I just want to clarify the last statement: I NEVER said that mistresses are sometimes necessary or that they save relationships. I specifically stated that while I don't endorse anything I wanted to share this link I came across that relates to this topic and some of the opinions shared.
This thread has opened my eyes to a lot of things and I'm grateful for it.
I'm only responding to the bold. Some women are taught/raised/condition to accept infidelity. For many, it's what men do/they are different from women/they can't control themselves/it's just sex/ as long as he's paying the bills and comes home to you, that's all that matters...In the "old days" men had multiple families/hidden families that no one talked about. Daddy would be gone for a few days and mommy took care of the house/family. No questions asked...I think once women started working more and earn enough pay is when the attitude started shifting.
I think most women if not all, have been cheated on. Maybe not in their current relationships but previous ones/future ones. You leave a cheating man to pick up a woman beater/ liar, a gambler, a man who can't keep a job/ an addict/substance abuser, "drinker" ie. You trade one vice for another. YOU have to decide what you can live with and what your deal breaker is.
So, yes some women may not actually care that their partner cheats or has cheated because some expect it and others really don't care...everyone wants their thoughts heard/respected and want to feel like their opinion matters. No one wants to be told "No, you are stupid. Your opinion doesn't matter. You are wrong."
I can think of 2 posters who shared very little info about themselves who had their real life identities revealed.....I don't know if the law was broken to do it but it happened. Most people have pretty large digital footprints and there used to be some really obsessive people who dedicated large blocks of time to finding out if people lived the lives they posted about online. That was maybe 3-4 yrs ago. It's calmed down a lot since then
I'm only responding to the bold. Some women are taught/raised/condition to accept infidelity. For many, it's what men do/they are different from women/they can't control themselves/it's just sex/ as long as he's paying the bills and comes home to you, that's all that matters...In the "old days" men had multiple families/hidden families that no one talked about. Daddy would be gone for a few days and mommy took care of the house/family. No questions asked...I think once women started working more and earn enough pay is when the attitude started shifting. I think most women if not all, have been cheated on. Maybe not in their current relationships but previous ones/future ones. You leave a cheating man to pick up a woman beater/ liar, a gambler, a man who can't keep a job/ an addict/substance abuser, "drinker" ie. You trade one vice for another. YOU have to decide what you can live with and what your deal breaker is. So, yes some women may not actually care that their partner cheats or has cheated because some expect it and others really don't care...everyone wants their thoughts heard/respected and want to feel like their opinion matters. No one wants to be told "No, you are stupid. Your opinion doesn't matter. You are wrong."
I can think of 2 posters who shared very little info about themselves who had their real life identities revealed.....I don't know if the law was broken to do it but it happened. Most people have pretty large digital footprints and there used to be some really obsessive people who dedicated large blocks of time to finding out if people lived the lives they posted about online. That was maybe 3-4 yrs ago. It's calmed down a lot since then
oh, absolutely.InchHighPrivateEye the same way you can make arguments that it's immoral someone else can argue the rationale of it...In America Polygamy illegal. Normal is relative and subjected. As previously stated, each individual has to decide what's best for them and their family.
Not to derail the thread but I know all of that and I get that people are trying to protect her. My 10 year anniversary is coming up and I have seen it all. Including people meeting up and then shaming one another on this board. There is nothing shameful about Killacurlz's original post. If she deleted it because she didn't want it out there I understand especially given that some people here are shady and small enough to try and use that against her. But she said that was her first time sharing her story and it made her feel better to get the support. It's a d*mn shame that a poster sharing her painful truthful story is so problematic on a thread where people are making all kinds of bragadocious, fantastical, IDGAF, claims and no one seems to think those are out of order or potentially embarrassing if they were tied to a real life identity.