Can You Be A Mistress?

sunnydaze said:
Long thread, so I may have missed a post or two, but are there any married women here who have actually gone through this (learned their husband had a mistress) and had this "well that is life" attitude about it or even better, indeed felt it saved their marriage? Seeing lots of folks hypothesize/speculate (especially when deep down, you don't really believe this will happen to you anyway), but would love to read some stories from those who have lived it and come out the other side in happier, healthier marriages.
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I can't see any benefit to someone sharing that info on this site....
 
Why not? People who likely haven't gone through it and touting ambivalence or non-naiveté about the matter are getting props. I would think someone who has and can say how it all worked out in their favor would be some nice supporting evidence.
 
Honey Bee said:
Your belief is not consistent with the historical record. :look:
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The historical record covers...who?

Because most of the world has not been land owners to even have property to pass down to children (nor money to maintain a mistress). Your history is biased towards European written history. Feudal system Lords, aristocracy, etc., those extremely wealthy few were definitely more likely to use marriage for politics and money and property (and have mistresses). But despite popular belief they were really minor in numbers.
 
GL925 said:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/a...-year-affair-close-friend-saved-marriage.html
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Oh wow. I just read the article.

I found this quote strange: 'Looking back, I can see part of the problem was that I didn’t fight for Malcolm’s attention.' IMO a wife should not have to fight for her husband's attention. Idk why I find her revelation so disturbing. What's also weird is I found myself more irritated by how he and this "friend" interacted right in front of her. Linking arms? Sitting next to him as much as possible? Making her feel left out? This type of behavior to me is unimaginable. I just can't wrap my mind around it. I guess if she's happy now that's good. But I couldn't forgive a 6-year affair or the canoodling right in front of me. That's just too much humiliation for my heart.
 
By some standards it may have been her karma seeing as she basically cheated on her first husband....but that is none of my business.
 
Ya'll please forgive me, but who are we side eyeing right now? Honey Bee clarified her post for me very nicely, but what is really going on? Who are we mad at again?
 
hopeful said:
Oh wow. I just read the article.

I found this quote strange: 'Looking back, I can see part of the problem was that I didn’t fight for Malcolm’s attention.' IMO a wife should not have to fight for her husband's attention. Idk why I find her revelation so disturbing. What's also weird is I found myself more irritated by how he and this "friend" interacted right in front of her. Linking arms? Sitting next to him as much as possible? Making her feel left out? This type of behavior to me is unimaginable. I just can't wrap my mind around it. I guess if she's happy now that's good. But I couldn't forgive a 6-year affair or the canoodling right in front of me. That's just too much humiliation for my heart.
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Especially with a "friend". That's too much.
 
CoilyFields said:
The historical record covers...who? Because most of the world has not been land owners to even have property to pass down to children (nor money to maintain a mistress). Your history is biased towards European written history. Feudal system Lords, aristocracy, etc., those extremely wealthy few were definitely more likely to use marriage for politics and money and property (and have mistresses). But despite popular belief they were really minor in numbers.
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Most marriages were arranged even biblically correct? And I'm sure they picked the best provider or money earned they could, no?
 
Fine 4s said:
For those women who say they would never date a married man, do you feel the same about dating someone who is 'technically' still married. For whatever reason, haven't filed for divorce?
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My HS BFF's live in SO is still married to his wife who lives in another state. My BFF knew this going in. I'm not sure why he won't file for divorce other than he'll have to pay child support for his daughter under our state law and he's broke.:look::nono: My BFF certainly doesn't consider herself a mistress. Apparently the ex is with somebody new too.:ohwell:
 
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I think there's a difference between saying "your husband can and may cheat on you" and telling people "your husband will cheat on you" huh what the ok...speak for yourself :look:
 
FemmeFatale said:
And the irony is that you're not even accepting it, you said your dude's peen would stop working if you found out he had a mistress that he's financing. If it were acceptable to you, you'd roll with it. Least I'd leave my dude in one piece, lol
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FemmeFatale, It's not irony, it's the premise of the relationship. We started this relationship for two reasons: amazing sex and gettin' money. Neither of us is very 'romantic' in the common sense.

So, yes, if I found out he was tricking on somebody, I'd assume he lost his mind and needed a 'break' from his penis for a while. It would only be temporary. :yep: He's fully aware of everything I said in this thread. :look:
 
ScorpioBeauty09 said:
My HS BFF's live in SO is still married to his wife who lives in another state. My BFF knew this going in. I'm not sure why he won't file for divorce other than he'll have to pay child support for his daughter under our state law and he's broke.:look::nono: My BFF certainly doesn't consider herself a mistress. Apparently the ex is with somebody new too.:ohwell:
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:yep:
The divorce was final about 2-3 years in.
I never saw myself as a mistress and most certainly wasn't treated as such. Never even thought about it until this thread! The divorce was just a formality.
Whether there were lingering feelings between the two...I will never know.

shades of gray....shades gray.
 
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CoilyFields said:
The historical record covers...who?

Because most of the world has not been land owners to even have property to pass down to children (nor money to maintain a mistress). Your history is biased towards European written history. Feudal system Lords, aristocracy, etc., those extremely wealthy few were definitely more likely to use marriage for politics and money and property (and have mistresses). But despite popular belief they were really minor in numbers.
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CoilyFields, So... your response to a well-sourced comment is to... doubt history? :lachen:

I don't even know what to say. I really can't. In that case, why talk about anything at all? :spinning: Marriage is an institution that pre-dates the historical record, people been doing this a looooong time, and it wasn't EVER about "(romantic) love" (a novel concept in and of itself), it was about alliances and finances. Even today, the majority of love-based marriages dissolve due to money concerns. Y'all talking crazy in here! :lol:

UmSumayyah, You really need to start that thread, girl. :look:
 
sunnydaze said:
Long thread, so I may have missed a post or two, but are there any married women here who have actually gone through this (learned their husband had a mistress) and had this "well that is life" attitude about it or even better, indeed felt it saved their marriage?

Seeing lots of folks hypothesize/speculate (especially when deep down, you don't really believe this will happen to you anyway), but would love to read some stories from those who have lived it and come out the other side in happier, healthier marriages.
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sunnydaze, Let me address this. I'm very close to several older women who both served as mistresses and/ or learned their husbands had mistresses. They speak frankly to me. I know white ones, black ones, and latina ones. I'm not hypothesizing or speculating. I'm simply relating what I've gathered, both anecdotally and from history.

To your request for primary sources, I wouldn't tell y'all ish. All I said was, 'Hey, it happens. Plan accordingly.' and y'all jumped down my throat. The only testimony acceptable here is, "I was a filthy, dirty whore, but then I met Jesus and got saved." :rolleyes:
 
menina said:
I think there's a difference between saying "your husband can and may cheat on you" and telling people "your husband will cheat on you" huh what the ok...speak for yourself :look:
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Can you please quote the post that said every man will definitely cheat on you? I can't find it. Thanks in advance.
 
CaraWalker said:
same as every sex thread

"WHY WOULD A WOMAN WANT TO HAVE SEX???? :thud:"

"HOW MUCH MONEY ARE YOU GETTING FROM EVERY GUY YOU HAVE SEX WITH"

"THEN WHY ARE YOU HAVING SEX"
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Nonsense. I love sex and take great pride in having sampled so many delights. :look: I never expected anything in exchange for it, either directly or indirectly.

But sex is one thing, marriage another. I believe in traditional marriage (for ME). The corollary to that belief is that "you gotta pay the cost to be the boss." :yep:
 
How are you defining mistresses? Because if we are going by history just sleeping with married men would not be enough. Some men cheat but I don't know if the majority of men can finance a mistress. Traditionally the mistress' lifestyle was either fully funded or greatly subsidized by the married man. A lot of women calling themselves mistresses are just cheap jump offs. One of the things that get women when the find out their just and had a mistress is the mismanagement of the household funds.
 
dicapr said:
How are you defining mistresses? Because if we are going by history just sleeping with married men would not be enough. Some men cheat but I don't know if the majority of men can finance a mistress. Traditionally the mistress' lifestyle was either fully funded or greatly subsidized by the married man. A lot of women calling themselves mistresses are just cheap jump offs. One of the things that get women when the find out their just and had a mistress is the mismanagement of the household funds.
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If you're talking about the wife's feelings and stuff :look:, I guess any sidepiece, paid or unpaid, would fit the bill.

As to the 'real mistresses' vs not, yes, even modern usage of the word connotes a financial arrangement. Free sidepieces just use it because it sounds better. Why? Because everybody understands a women about her coins. It's seen more 'respectable' :lol: than just screwing some married man.
 
^^^^She said probably not definitely. And I agree with her. I don't think it's an "all men cheat" thing. I know just as many women as I do men who cheat. The statistics don't lie and those are just the numbers that are reported.

I too have spoken to many older couples of all backgrounds and there is no Maury Povich-like situation that is surprising to them. You live long enough you see all kinds of stuff. Affairs, outside kids. I know too many couples who have stayed married with all of those issues. It doesn't mean that everybody cheats. But I'm not sure why there are folks in this thread unwilling to accept this (actually I do but that's a spinoff).

And, by the way, accepting the FACTS does not mean that you should accept infidelity/mistresses as a part of YOUR individual relationship. It just means that you accept that it does happen, discuss your expectations and the consequences if those expectations are not met with your spouse and let the chips fall where they may.
 
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