Marriage Is Dying

[Silkycoils]

Love this thread. Why don’t we value marriage like we used to?

I think that more MEN don't value marriage, and women continue to settle for a piece of what they want, even though it is often illusory and/or temporary. There are also the "pick mes" who heavily support the "Marriage is just a piece of paper" narrative, but those are often the ones with multiple baby-daddies and no prospects. There is this ideology that has infected our community wherein it seems like we compete to be at the bottom. In my opinion, it's a combination of bm feeling like it's cool to be "eternal bachelors" and not caring about their legacy, BW settling, and liberal whites preaching that's it's "okay" for the Black Community to be in shambles. Kimmaytube calls it, "Liberal thinking, conservative living" (on the part of dwights . . .and some Blacks).

As I've said on this board on numerous occasions, I was a young, unmarried mother, and I have SEEN the struggle. I now actively preach against it, but not necessarily as a judgment on the woman, but more of as an act of self-preservation. We've got to teach our young girls to truly love themselves and to think long-term.

With that said, marriage is not necessarily as important if there are no children involved. It also goes without saying that you have to pick the right spouse, because I've seen the other side of that coin as well.

 

[movingforward13]

I think that more MEN don't value marriage, and women continue to settle for a piece of what they want, even though it is often illusory and/or temporary. There are also the "pick mes" who heavily support the "Marriage is just a piece of paper" narrative, but those are often the ones with multiple baby-daddies and no prospects. There is this ideology that has infected our community wherein it seems like we compete to be at the bottom. In my opinion, it's a combination of bm feeling like it's cool to be "eternal bachelors" and not caring about their legacy, BW settling, and liberal whites preaching that's it's "okay" for the Black Community to be in shambles. Kimmaytube calls it, "Liberal thinking, conservative living" (on the part of dwights . . .and some Blacks).

As I've said on this board on numerous occasions, I was a young, unmarried mother, and I have SEEN the struggle. I now actively preach against it, but not necessarily as a judgment on the woman, but more of as an act of self-preservation. We've got to teach our young girls to truly love themselves and to think long-term.

With that said, marriage is not necessarily as important if there are no children involved. It also goes without saying that you have to pick the right spouse, because I've seen the other side of that coin as well.

All of this 1000%
We need to get our younger girls together. Tell them no babies before marriage and to pick the right man, not rush a relationship because we want the happily ever afters while ignoring all the signs.

Because men are the first to down women for having children and they are quick to tell us how quickly our “value” goes down because we put out too early or had children but single.

This is self preservation for US. We are valuable- whether they realize it or not.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

All of this 1000%
We need to get our younger girls together. Tell them no babies before marriage and to pick the right man, not rush a relationship because we want the happily ever afters while ignoring all the signs.

Because men are the first to down women for having children and they are quick to tell us how quickly our “value” goes down because we put out too early or had children but single.

This is self preservation for US. We are valuable- whether they realize it or not.

And I know plenty of dudes with OOW children that will let it be known that their dream woman that they plan to wife has no children and has a PhD the gall. Ok.

 

[kupenda]

And I know plenty of dudes with OOW children that will let it be known that their dream woman that they plan to wife has no children and has a PhD the gall. Ok.

BIG FACTS
Talking about “I know my worth”. Sir!

 

[PrissiSippi]

BIG FACTS
Talking about “I know my worth”. Sir!

I met this guy JUST THE OTHER DAY talking about I know my worth and I'm looking for a GOOD woman that brings something to the table. This dude had just got his toe cut off the month before. Boy if you don't sit your worth nothing sweet booty diabetic self down.

 

[kupenda]

I met this guy JUST THE OTHER DAY talking about I know my worth and I'm looking for a GOOD woman that brings something to the table. This dude had just got his toe cut off the month before. Boy if you don't sit your worth nothing sweet booty diabetic self down.

Nooooo!

 

[sarumoki]

I met this guy JUST THE OTHER DAY talking about I know my worth and I'm looking for a GOOD woman that brings something to the table. This dude had just got his toe cut off the month before. Boy if you don't sit your worth nothing sweet booty diabetic self down.

 

[syze6]

Love this thread. Why don’t we value marriage like we used to?

I think men don't value marriage because their social group tells them to stay Bachelors. The ones who are married are cheating with women who don't value it at all. Men have too many options, and don't want or need to settle down these days. Women are eager to share a man, than have none at all and it really is sad. Marriage has become a joke to so many people out here. It really is viewed as just a piece of paper to so many.

 

[Fine 4s]

Men have lots of options with women and have less reproductive limitations, why not?
If I were a man, I'd probably only settle down when I start feeling the cracks in my bones and if I wanted a child, maybe a little earlier than that. They're living their best life.

 

[ms-gg]

Dr Keith is a hardcore conservative, who use to go on fox all of the time, so his opinion is rooted in political party bias

 

[JFemme]

I met this guy JUST THE OTHER DAY talking about I know my worth and I'm looking for a GOOD woman that brings something to the table. This dude had just got his toe cut off the month before. Boy if you don't sit your worth nothing sweet booty diabetic self down.

Lawd - I'm hollering

 

[MizAvalon]

Love this thread. Why don’t we value marriage like we used to?

I think once the welfare system came and men couldn’t be in the home, that was a big part of it. Now that it has gone on for so many generations, it is pretty much ingrained in the culture. Black men aren’t shamed and shunned by the community if they don’t marry. White men, Asian men, even Latino men know that getting married is part and parcel of the grown up package and they act accordingly.

 

[levette]

I think in our community it is but don’t know how we fix it,or,if things change. we black,women are so disrspected these days . The only true carefree married women I see are usually in interracial relationships. I think too many of us women have been treated terrible by men so we are turned off by marriage. It’s usually less stressful and more fulfilling to not be married . I have seen single/divorced women who make decent money , travel more, live well, look amazing and they are unattached or might have a boyfriend who doesn’t live with them. They live well and have their own place. . They seem to be more carefree and usually have a good network of other women to have positive relationships with. Most married woman I see look haggard, depressed, and miserable and their kids drain the crap out of them and some get stuck being caretaker to oow grandchildren.

 

[levette]

I think in our community it is but don’t know how we fix it,or,if things change. we black,women are so disrspected these days especially by black men and everyone else. The only true carefree married women I see are usually in interracial relationships. I think too many of us women have been treated terrible by men so we are turned off by marriage. It’s usually less stressful and more fulfilling to not be married . I have seen single/divorced women who make decent money , travel more, live well, look amazing and they are unattached or might have a boyfriend who doesn’t live with them. They live well and have their own place. . They seem to be more carefree and usually have a good network of other women to have positive relationships with. Most married woman I see look haggard, depressed, and miserable and their kids drain the crap out of them and some get stuck being caretaker to oow grandchildren.

To me they never live a true meaningful life but have to cater to others dreams. This makes me sad but it’s so real.

 

[dancinstallion]

I think in our community it is but don’t know how we fix it,or,if things change. we black,women are so disrspected these days especially by black men and everyone else. The only true carefree married women I see are usually in interracial relationships. I think too many of us women have been treated terrible by men so we are turned off by marriage. It’s usually less stressful and more fulfilling to not be married . I have seen single/divorced women who make decent money , travel more, live well, look amazing and they are unattached or might have a boyfriend who doesn’t live with them. They live well and have their own place. They seem to be more carefree and usually have a good network of other women to have positive relationships with. Most married woman I see look haggard, depressed, and miserable and their kids drain the crap out of them and some get stuck being caretaker to oow grandchildren.

I agree but
I still think the majority of BW want to be married but settle because their boyfriends and baby daddies don't propose to them.

 

[kimpaur]

I agree but
I still think the majority of BW want to be married but settle because their boyfriends and baby daddies don't propose to them.

This. The only women I see say they don't want to be married are a few divorced ones

 

[NijaG]

I agree but
I still think the majority of BW want to be married but settle because their boyfriends and baby daddies don't propose to them.

Part of the larger issue is that BW and the larger BC are not requiring marriage. As crass as it sounds, there is a price for decent access to regular s*x and having your biological lineage continue and cared for.

The price and requirement use to be set by the larger community/society and 70-80% of individuals in the group fell in line.

There are variety of other factors, but bottom line more and more BW who want marriage are allowing the dictates of non marriage minded BM influence them. If BM had to go through 7 out of 10 women who wouldn’t give them regular sex, feminine support and have their children and play house w/o marriage, then there will be more married BW.

 

[Chazz]

Part of the larger issue is that BW and the larger BC are not requiring marriage. As crass as it sounds, there is a price for decent access to regular s*x and having your biological lineage continue and cared for.

The price and requirement use to be set by the larger community/society and 70-80% of individuals in the group fell in line.

There are variety of other factors, but bottom line more and more BW who want marriage are allowing the dictates of non marriage minded BM influence them. If BM had to go through 7 out of 10 women who wouldn’t give them regular sex, feminine support and have their children and play house w/o marriage, then there will be more married BW.

I agree
Alot of guys jump ship or ghost me. When i draw the with them. It let me know that lots of them are brainwashed. Into treated bw like trash. My dad was talking to me about this all the time. Trying to give me a head up.
Bm do have alot of options.
Lots of bw get left to the waste side.

 

[Sally.]

instead of focusing on marriage, society should be focused on teaching men and women how to love and what that process entails. how can any marriage be successful when most of us are conditioned and have the wrong idea about what love is? society is so backwards.

 

[naptime]

This man is crazy and literally a menace...

Ablow's medical license was suspended in May 2019 by the Massachusetts Board of Registration in Medicine. The board concluded he posed an "immediate and serious threat to the public health, safety and welfare," alleging that he had engaged in sexual and unethical misconduct towards patients.

 

[LostInAdream]

This man is crazy and literally a menace...

Ablow's medical license was suspended in May 2019 by the Massachusetts Board of Registration in Medicine. The board concluded he posed an "immediate and serious threat to the public health, safety and welfare," alleging that he had engaged in sexual and unethical misconduct towards patients.

Wrong thread?

 

[LostInAdream]

instead of focusing on marriage, society should be focused on teaching men and women how to love and what that process entails. how can any marriage be successful when most of us are conditioned and have the wrong idea about what love is? society is so backwards.

What does that look like? I’m asking because I’m not sure what that is. I didn’t grow up with a feeling of love at all. I often question my ability to truly love within a romantic relationship.

 

[naptime]

Wrong thread?

Nope, Dr. Keith Ablow is who is quoted in the op. He lives in my town and women were discussing how he is a predator. His license has been taken away from him. We should not listen to what he says.

Now, on topic, marriage wasn't so great when I was married to the wrong person, but life is so much better and easier now that I'm married to a kind and responsible man.

 

[LostInAdream]

Nope, Dr. Keith Ablow is who is quoted in the op. He lives in my town and women were discussing how he is a predator. His license has been taken away from him. We should not listen to what he says.

Now, on topic, marriage wasn't so great when I was married to the wrong person, but life is so much better and easier now that I'm married to a kind and responsible man.

Oh ok. Agreed!

 

[Sally.]

What does that look like? I’m asking because I’m not sure what that is. I didn’t grow up with a feeling of love at all. I often question my ability to truly love within a romantic relationship.

you're not alone. i would bet that most of us living in America are confused about what love is. but its about deep authentic self love. you begin with yourself and by accepting yourself and being who you are, then you can learn to give love from a pure place, without fear, and unconditionally.

in a lot of ways, love is about being vulnerable and trusting--letting go. but so many of us can't get to that point because we are holding on to so many fears, doubts, shadows, and insecurities, and most importantly--society's ideas about our worth and what we should want. how are we to know who we truly are, what we truly want in a partner, what we truly need to be happy when most of us are looking for love based on foolish societal expectations, fears, insecurities, etc.

i always tell my partner that while i do love him, marriage isn't what i'm working on with him in the dating phase. my priority is learning how to love and accept him unconditionally and as a friend. and from that foundation, once both of us can get over our own fantasies about what love is and we arrive at a place of knowing ourselves, THEN we can move forward about whether we are right for each other in terms of entering into a marriage together

 

[GraceJones]

you're not alone. i would bet that most of us living in America are confused about what love is. but its about deep authentic self love. you begin with yourself and by accepting yourself and being who you are, then you can learn to give love from a pure place and unconditionally.

in a lot of ways, love is about being vulnerable and trusting--letting go. but so many of us can't get to that point because we are holding on to so many fears, doubts, shadows, and insecurities, and most importantly--society's ideas about our worth and what we should want. how are we to know who we truly are, what we truly want in a partner, what we truly need to be happy when most of us are looking for love based on foolish societal expectations, fears, insecurities, etc.

i always tell my partner that while i do love him, marriage isn't what i'm working on with him in the dating phase. my priority is learning how to love and accept him unconditionally and as a friend. and from the foundation, once both of us can get over our own fantasies about what love is and we arrive at a place of knowing ourselves, THEN we can move forward about whether we are right for each other in terms of entering into a marriage together

Wow that was so lovely. Thank you.

I battle with deep insecurities and feelings of unworthiness. I was always told that I was ugly and lame growing up.

That was something I needed to hear

 

[Sally.]

Wow that was so lovely. Thank you.

I battle with deep insecurities and feelings of unworthiness. I was always told that I was ugly and lame growing up.

That was something I needed to hear

i can't take credit for this perspective, it's something i've learned from doing self work and reading more about self love.

but @GraceJones you are still carrying the weight of the past with you when honestly, its not even true! there used to be a poster here named @yardyspice whose favorite words to anyone having any issue was "seek therapy." lol! i used to get so offended, because i thought therapy was for crazy people or depressed people (which i was but wanted to pretend i didn't need therapy for my depression).

i still haven't found a good therapist but i have tried meditation, reading different books and listening to podcasts/videos that help me to better understand the root of my emotions and thoughts. Awhile back I used to do this morning activity that I learned about on Youtube where when you wake up, you choose one thing or person to forgive that hurt you. It was really powerful for me. It helped me to see my emotions differently but also to see whatever happened from a completely different perspective--often with compassion or empathy towards myself or the person that hurt me. you slowly begin to realize not to take things personally.

 

[GraceJones]

i can't take credit for this perspective, it's something i've learned from doing self work and reading more about self love.

but @GraceJones you are still carrying the weight of the past with you when honestly, its not even true! there used to be a poster here named @yardyspice whose favorite words to anyone having any issue was "seek therapy." lol! i used to get so offended, because i thought therapy was for crazy people or depressed people (which i was but wanted to pretend i didn't need therapy for my depression).

i still haven't found a good therapist but i have tried meditation, reading different books and listening to podcasts/videos that help me to better understand the root of my emotions and thoughts. Awhile back I used to do this morning activity that I learned about on Youtube where when you wake up, you choose one thing or person to forgive that hurt you. It was really powerful for me. It helped me to see my emotions differently but also to see whatever happened from a completely different perspective--often with compassion or empathy towards myself or the person that hurt me. you slowly begin to realize not to take things personally.

Yeah, I know. I've been working on myself through therapy and meditation for a few years.
That the part I think I struggle with the most

 

[Sally.]

Yeah, I know. I've been working on myself through therapy and meditation for a few years.
That the part I think I struggle with the most

Has your therapist provided any tools or resources for you to use and do outside of get office to help you begin to let go of childhood traumas?

 

[GraceJones]

Has your therapist provided any tools or resources for you to use and do outside of get office to help you begin to let go of childhood traumas?

No. He says that I've made incredible progress though. I used to be extremely depressed and stayed mostly in solitude. Now, I'm just mildly depressed lol.