Baby Mama ?

[lveurslf]

The SO and I were talking about the B'day of his daughter coming up in a couple of months and he happend to mention that Baby mama asked him for some money to help her buy their child a $300 purse.The child is a youngin BTW not even 15! He's already spending alot of money on this child. Even though I don't feel it's my place to speak on it now cuz I'm just the gf, if we shared finances or if we got married, I would be uncomfortable with his baby mama coming and asking for money for foolishness.I feel If she can't afford that gift herself then I don't think she should ask him to help him buy it, she should get something else. I feel like she is still in his pocket even though they aren't together anymore . Am I being petty?

 

[2Cute!]

I don't think it's petty, but I don't think you should be upset either. Now if you were his wife, then I could understand. I am sure you are already aware of this - but should you become his wife, then this will be your problem too. Find out how he deals with it... then you'll see what you're up against should you decide to marry him.

 

[SouthernJewel]

Even though I don't feel it's my place to speak on it now cuz I'm just the gf, if we shared finances or if we got married, I would be uncomfortable

Like you stated,it's not your place right now. Now, if you guys were to get married,that's something different. But its not your money right now, so I think you should chill. But when it becomes your finances,then no, its not petty because it would be your money.

As a 15 year old, if she deserves it (ex: good grades, minds,etc) then a $300 purse for her bday isnt bad,IMHO. Thats IF she deserves it.

 

[Xavier]

Nope you are not being petty at all. If she(daughter's mother) wants to buy a $300 purse for her daughter, she needs to pay for it on her own. Your SO should tell her NO and explain that he will buy his daughter a gift of his own. I wonder what would make her so comfortable asking him for money for something considered expensive for some adults let alone a child?

 

[lveurslf]

Like you stated,it's not your place right now. Now, if you guys were to get married,that's something different. But its not your money right now, so I think you should chill. But when it becomes your finances,then no, its not petty because it would be your money.

As a 15 year old, if she deserves it (ex: good grades, minds,etc) then a $300 purse for her bday isnt bad,IMHO. Thats IF she deserves it.

I'm not upset about it now. I just see it could be a potential problem in the future and I'm not the type of person that let's issues just sit and brew until it gets out of control and it's too late. I want us to talk about it but I wanted to check in w you all to make sure I wasn't trippin before I bring it up to him.

 

[lveurslf]

Nope you are not being petty at all. If she(daughter's mother) wants to buy a $300 purse for her daughter, she needs to pay for it on her own. Your SO should tell her NO and explain that he will buy his daughter a gift of his own. I wonder what would make her so comfortable asking him for money for something considered expensive for some adults let alone a child?

Because he used to give her $$$ before.

 

[Summer_Rain]

The SO and I were talking about the B'day of his daughter coming up in a couple of months and he happend to mention that Baby mama asked him for some money to help her buy their child a $300 purse.The child is a youngin BTW not even 15! He's already spending alot of money on this child. Even though I don't feel it's my place to speak on it now cuz I'm just the gf, if we shared finances or if we got married, I would be uncomfortable with his baby mama coming and asking for money for foolishness.I feel If she can't afford that gift herself then I don't think she should ask him to help him buy it, she should get something else. I feel like she is still in his pocket even though they aren't together anymore . Am I being petty?

Yes, I do think you're being petty. I'm going to ssume that the child deserves a costly gift (though these days, cell phones and video games are just as pricey), whats wrong with both of her parents contributing jointly to a gift? Its for his child....why not ? You said that he "already spends a lot of money on this child". I'd have to correct you and say it isn't "this" child - it's HIS child. And thats what parents do - spend money on their children.

I don't mean to offend but are you simply upset because of WHO is asking not WHO it's for or HOW MUCH it costs?

 

[lveurslf]

Yes, I do think you're being petty. I'm going to ssume that the child deserves a costly gift (though these days, cell phones and video games are just as pricey), whats wrong with both of her parents contributing jointly to a gift? Its for his child....why not ? You said that he "already spends a lot of money on this child". I'd have to correct you and say it isn't "this" child - it's HIS child. And thats what parents do - spend money on their children.

I don't mean to offend but are you simply upset because of WHO is asking not WHO it's for or HOW MUCH it costs?

No offense was taken. Different opinions is what I wanted, that's why I"m here. :Rose:

Maybe I am being petty but I don't deny that I do have a problem with who is asking. The relationship between them is over and I don't think it's appropriate for her to ask him to buy stuff that the child doesn't need and she obviously can't afford to buy. Is the gift really that serious? I'm not mad at her choice to ask, but if it were me, I would buy my child something I could afford to give without having to resort to asking my child's father, especially if I knew he was already doing something nice for her on his own. Just because he has the means to buy it doesn't mean he should. If you gonna ask for something, ask for a reason that is of importance.

 

[lveurslf]

Yes, I do think you're being petty. I'm going to ssume that the child deserves a costly gift (though these days, cell phones and video games are just as pricey), whats wrong with both of her parents contributing jointly to a gift? Its for his child....why not ? You said that he "already spends a lot of money on this child". I'd have to correct you and say it isn't "this" child - it's HIS child. And thats what parents do - spend money on their children.

I don't mean to offend but are you simply upset because of WHO is asking not WHO it's for or HOW MUCH it costs?

No offense was taken. Different opinions is what I wanted, that's why I"m here. :Rose:

Maybe I am being petty but I don't deny that I do have a problem with who is asking. The relationship between them is over and I don't think it's appropriate for her to ask him to buy stuff that the child doesn't need and she obviously can't afford to buy. Is the gift really that serious? I'm not mad at her choice to ask, but if it were me, I would buy my child something I could afford to give without having to resort to asking my child's father, especially if I knew he was already doing something nice for her on his own. Just because he has the means to buy it doesn't mean he should. If you gonna ask for something, ask for a reason that is of importance.

 

[Summer_Rain]

No offense was taken. Different opinions is what I wanted, that's why I"m here. :Rose:

Maybe I am being petty but I don't deny that I do have a problem with who is asking. The relationship between them is over and I don't think it's appropriate for her to ask him to buy stuff that the child doesn't need and she obviously can't afford to buy. Is the gift really that serious? I'm not mad at her choice to ask, but if it were me, I would buy my child something I could afford to give without having to resort to asking my child's father, especially if I knew he was already doing something nice for her on his own. Just because he has the means to buy it doesn't mean he should. If you gonna ask for something, ask for a reason that is of importance.

It sounds like you're saying that because they are no longer together - they should not purchases gifts together, I don't understand that. If he wants to get something on his own as well, fine - many folks in 2parent households do the same (they get a larger joint gift and then seperate gifts if they choose).

It sounds like they still have a very decent co-parenting relationship, why complain about THAT? If she isn't disrespecting you or your relationship, why should it matter

 

[gone_fishing]

I see both sides. This is a concern because you may be intertwined financially one day so in that regard, it is good to observe and see how he handles it. Is it something he wanted to get for the child or was she pressuring him into it. Are many other gifts being purchased or is this the main one the child is asking for?

On the other hand...if my ex husband whom I was married to for 6 years ever gets remarried, I DOUBLE DOG DARE his wife to say anything PERIOD about what WE buy OUR child, unless it's coming out of HER personal checking account OR causing them some financial distress as a result. *Ahem* In the latter case though, I would hope my ex would be intelligent enough to let me know if it just was not affordable right now.

 

[Summer_Rain]

I see both sides. This is a concern because you may be intertwined financially one day so in that regard, it is good to observe and see how he handles it. Is it something he wanted to get for the child or was she pressuring him into it. Are many other gifts being purchased or is this the main one the child is asking for?

On the other hand...if my ex husband whom I was married to for 6 years ever gets remarried, I DOUBLE DOG DARE his wife to say anything PERIOD about what WE buy OUR child, unless it's coming out of HER personal checking account OR causing them some financial distress as a result. *Ahem* In the latter case though, I would hope my ex would be intelligent enough to let me know if it just was not affordable right now.

I could feel that Adi, but only if she didn't clearly make it abou the "baby mama". This isn't about the cost of the gift or finances - but simply about the fact that the mama is asking.

I'll be straight up OP - if it were you, he and your child - I'd seriously doubt you'd have an issue.

 

[gone_fishing]

I could feel that Adi, but only if she didn't clearly make it abou the "baby mama". This isn't about the cost of the gift or finances - but simply about the fact that the mama is asking.

I'll be straight up OP - if it were you, he and your child - I'd seriously doubt you'd have an issue.

True. That's why I added the second paragraph. I think we can identify because we have children with men we are no longer with.

I don't think the OP has children so she doesn't have a frame of reference for the "other side of the fence".

It's all different when it's YOUR baby.

 

[InsertCleverNameHere]

He has a choice to say "yes" or "no." If he says yes and forks over part of the expense, then obviously he has no problem giving his daughter a $300 purse.

It's extravagant, but it's their money and their combined decision. Would you be as upset if he decided to drop $300 (no matter the gift, it could be a boy and a game system or something) on a child you all had together?

 

[cocoaluv]

I would think the same thing if I were you but I wouldnt say anything unless I was his wife and IF the money is coming out of MY wallet. But then again I'm kinda cheap. I sometimes see parents buying their kid a 300 dollar anything for behaving themselves....its what they are SUPPOSED to do and it just pisses me off. I also think this is another example of why black people never have money to save because they are wasting it on foolishness...will this girl have 300 or even 30 dollars to put in the purse????

 

[Summer_Rain]

I would think the same thing if I were you but I wouldnt say anything unless I was his wife and IF the money is coming out of MY wallet. But then again I'm kinda cheap. I sometimes see parents buying their kid a 300 dollar anything for behaving themselves....its what they are SUPPOSED to do and it just pisses me off. I also think this is another example of why black people never have money to save because they are wasting it on foolishness...will this girl have 300 or even 30 dollars to put in the purse????

If it were just a random purchase, yeah - but it's a b'day gift. If it were a boy child, you'd be spending that on a video game system.

 

[WhipEffectz1]

I would think the same thing if I were you but I wouldnt say anything unless I was his wife and IF the money is coming out of MY wallet. But then again I'm kinda cheap I would never buy a child 300 dollar anything for behaving themselves....its what they are SUPPOSED to do. I also think this is another example of why black people never have money to save because they are wasting it on foolishness...will this girl have 300 or even 30 dollars to put in the purse????

I love this post especially towards the end!!! Getting a $300 purse for a little girl
really works my nerves but hey since its HIS daughter and not mine then I'll let it slip but if this is a very serious relationship, I would have to throw in my two cents if we were planning t get married. Thank goodness I don't have to worry about stuff like this with my SO. He takes care of his but he is never asked about buying a $300 purse. Now he will put up some money for her private schooling, dance lessons, etc. which is more important in my eyes.

Are you concerned about the mother of the child? If not then just let it flow until you discover where the relationship might be heading although it is wise to keep your eyes wide open! Sorry but I hate using baby mama

 

[lveurslf]

-No I don't have children. So that's why I felt I needed a reality check from a group of women.

-YES, I do sort of have a problem with the way he spends money on his child. She's only 12. Maybe it's just me but a child that age does not need expensive gifts like that.I partly blame him for BM asking because she obviously feels she has to compete with him a gift giving level. She feels pressured to give something she cannot afford.

-12 yr old wish list reads like this: laptop, ipod, coach purse,expensive this,expensive that. So no the purse is not the main focus of her gifts....

-I don't care how they spend money together on their child, all I'm saying is don't be in my man's pockets for stupid stuff just because you know he has some change. If she was 15 and they wanted to buy her a new car together, no problem, if she wanted them to pay for a trip to another country,no problem but a coach bag!!!please.


-I don't know if this is relevant or not but I think I'm annoyed because it feels like there's some sort of co-dependency on her part for the wrong reasons.Listening to his stories about her,in the past he's financed almost ERR THANG she got. The more I listen to him, the more I want to see if I can get a fill for myself what their relationship is really like. Also I think I'm worried that she'll make a habit out of asking him for stupid stuff.

- I would like to encourage a healthy relationship between the two of them because if they happy, that makes it less work for me to do to keep my man happy but they key word is Healthy.

 

[lveurslf]

I would think the same thing if I were you but I wouldnt say anything unless I was his wife and IF the money is coming out of MY wallet. But then again I'm kinda cheap. I sometimes see parents buying their kid a 300 dollar anything for behaving themselves....its what they are SUPPOSED to do and it just pisses me off. I also think this is another example of why black people never have money to save because they are wasting it on foolishness...will this girl have 300 or even 30 dollars to put in the purse????

She don't even have $30.00 to put in that purse unless daddy gives her $30.00. GIRL!!! CAN YOU SAY IT AGAIN!! You hit the nail on the head, getting good grades and cleaning up your room isn't a good enough reason to buy a child a expensive gift. Recoginize something bigger like when your son takes the initiative to help a old lady with her bags without having to be asked, or your daughter helping her little sister with her homework without having to be asked, something that exhibits good character and even then it don't have to be money....

 

[lveurslf]

If it were just a random purchase, yeah - but it's a b'day gift. If it were a boy child, you'd be spending that on a video game system.

That's the thing, it isn't just a video game system...It's PS3 plus Jordans plus dinner at a nice $$$ restaurant and the list goes on. AND daddy gotta finance all that cuz mama can't afford it?

 

[Summer_Rain]

That's the thing, it isn't just a video game system...It's PS3 plus Jordans plus dinner at a nice $$$ restaurant and the list goes on. AND daddy gotta finance all that cuz mama can't afford it?

Again I ask - what does mother have to do with GIFTS that father is willingly purchasing or contributing to? It sounds to me like shes a "daddys little princess" type - and that regardless, he would do it. So go on and let that man spend HIS money on HIS daughter.

I'm sorry, but I'm looking at it like this - he's doing that for his existing child, which is a good indication of how he treats you and any children the two of you may have.

Let me ask u this Lve - if he purchased or spent the equivalent on YOU for YOUR b'day, would you be pitching a fit?

 

[Kurlee]

I don't think the issue is so much with the 'baby mama' ( i hate that term and its disrespectful to the mother). I do feel, there is an issue with his values and how he is raising his child. I do see your point about a coach purse for a 12 year old is outrageous, gift or no gift ( middle class thread comes to mind). However, it is not your place as the girlfriend to say anything. What him and his daughters mothers choose to do regarding the daughter is up to them, cuz at the end of the day they made her and only they are responsible for her, even if they are spoiling her.

This is why relationships with people who have kids with other people can prove to be tricky, because theres too many hands in the pot and drama and negative feelings can arise.

 

[Much2much41]

I don't really see it as the OP's place to get involved with this. As annoying as it may be, as an SO, and not fiancee/wife with co-mingled funds, you will come across as envious and spiteful by coming in and trying to change what has apparently been an ongoing situation. I do see where you're going with this as far as a possible marriage is concerned, but for now, I think it's best you stay neutral. I also suggest that even if you DO get the ring, that you tread lightly. Being labeled the "Bitter, Hateful Stepmother" isn't too cool, either.

 

[lveurslf]

Actually he did spend the same amount on me for my B'day. I was shocked in a good way but I'm grown, and my gift was age and relationship appropriate. I would've had a problem if he bought me something lavish like a car for my B'Day because it's not appropriate for our relationship at this stage. It don't matter if he could afford it or not. That would make me look at him sideways. Apperantly he thinks it's ok to buy children adult like gifts and even though I don't agree, that's not my child so I have no comment on that.

 

[Much2much41]

Actually he did spend the same amount on me for my B'day. I was shocked in a good way but I'm grown, and my gift was age and relationship appropriate. I would've had a problem if he bought me something lavish like a car for my B'Day because it's not appropriate for our relationship at this stage. It don't matter if he could afford it or not. That would make me look at him sideways. Apperantly he thinks it's ok to buy children adult like gifts and even though I don't agree, that's not my child so I have no comment on that.

It sounds like you have a good man, and they aren't exactly growing on trees . Don't let something like what he spends on his child cause you to lose him. There are SO many other things more important. Consider it as a sign of how kind he is to those he loves and call it a day. Choose your battles wisely. This isn't one I would fight. JMHO.

 

[InsertCleverNameHere]

But what does this all have to do with the mother? If he were not okay with it, he would not be spending it. Period.

It concerns me that you are making this a beef with the mother of the child, when no one is putting a gun to his head to make the purchase only asking him if he would contribute.

It has nothing to do with the mother. Hell I could ask for a 50k car from my daughters father, it doesn't mean he is going to give it to me. No matter how you put it, he is the one making the decision to contribute to the lavish gifts.

 

[SisterGirl*]

This is a problem. You're dealing with a set of misguided parents who are placing to much value on the importance of having expensive things. The reason his ex is constantly pulling on his pockets for nonsense, is b/c he is contantly dishing it out. Now they're got a little brat on their hands, that's going to bleed them both dry.

 

[WhipEffectz1]

This is a problem. You're dealing with a set of misguided parents who are placing to much value on the importance of having expensive things. The reason his ex is constantly pulling on his pockets for nonsense, is b/c he is contantly dishing it out. Now they're got a little brat on their hands, that's going to bleed them both dry.

Don't scare her now!!!

 

[lveurslf]

I don't really see it as the OP's place to get involved with this. As annoying as it may be, as an SO, and not fiancee/wife with co-mingled funds, you will come across as envious and spiteful by coming in and trying to change what has apparently been an ongoing situation. I do see where you're going with this as far as a possible marriage is concerned, but for now, I think it's best you stay neutral. I also suggest that even if you DO get the ring, that you tread lightly. Being labeled the "Bitter, Hateful Stepmother" isn't too cool, either.

No, it's not my place as a gf to regulate BUT I feel like not saying anything plants the seed in his mind that this is okay. I can keep letting these annoying things happen w/o saying anything but then fast forward to living together, shared bank accounts,blah,blah and one day an issue comes up with BM and kid and BAM! All of a sudden I've reached my breaking point and I flip on him. I start bringing things up he's done back from 1942 (cuz I never said anything then) and he looking stupid because don't understand why I'm so mad......

What purpose do I serve in a relationship if I don't have a voice? My goal is not to make him change or tell him how to run his household and he is well aware that I'm not trying to play step mom. I want to be able to discuss my concerns. My thing is let's talk about it together, come to an understanding togehter, and avoid pitfalls in the future together. I would tell him just like I'm saying it on here, "I'm not hating because I know I'm just a gf right now but if we were to get very serious in the future, I just want you to know I'm not comfortable with your BM asking for money for situations like...and here's why...." His response and how he deals with what I have to say is his choice. Whatever the outcome is, I'm sure it will help me to see if I want to continue with him or not. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't about to open a can worms out of simply being petty. I don't want to waste either of our time so why not talk.

 

[MizzBrown]

Oh boy, this is so similar to what I experienced with my ex and his child's mother and I voiced my opinion and he kind of listened but it was scary to think that If I chose to be with him long term and get married, this would be an almost everyday headache.

I firmly believe in keeping a child in his/her place. No adult conversations, no expensive adult gifts, and no adult demands. The child's mother has you and him by the balls financially if you get married or stay together long-term.

It's already been confirmed that the baby's mother likes to be taken care of financially and didn't pay her way in the past and now its been passed on to the kids and she will use them as a pawn to get stuff for herself and kids that she most likely would NOT consider with her own checkbook or if he was still with her.

Somehow, someway, nip this in the bud and be prepared for marriage cause it's gonna get worse. Because of these situations, I find myself wondering how in the heck am i gonna meet someone with no kids?