Baby Mama ?

[lveurslf]

But what does this all have to do with the mother? If he were not okay with it, he would not be spending it. Period.

It concerns me that you are making this a beef with the mother of the child, when no one is putting a gun to his head to make the purchase only asking him if he would contribute.

It has nothing to do with the mother. Hell I could ask for a 50k car from my daughters father, it doesn't mean he is going to give it to me. No matter how you put it, he is the one making the decision to contribute to the lavish gifts.

You are so right, that's why in one of my previous posts I said I think she feels pressured to compete b/c he spends so much money on his kid. I'm not beefing with her for the simple fact that she asked for the gift, I'm looking crazy because WHY IS SHE SO COMFORTABLE ASKING??? We both know the answer. Is that her fault? partly no b/c of what you said, he is gonna do it. *

*Ephiany (sp)*...that's wny he talks about her the way he does. Let him tell it, she always got her hand out for something. well duh, cuz she know you gonna put something in it fool...

 

[InsertCleverNameHere]

You are so right, that's why in one of my previous posts I said I think she feels pressured to compete b/c he spends so much money on his kid. I'm not beefing with her for the simple fact that she asked for the gift, I'm looking crazy because WHY IS SHE SO COMFORTABLE ASKING??? We both know the answer. Is that her fault? partly no b/c of what you said, he is gonna do it. *

*Ephiany (sp)*...that's wny he talks about her the way he does. Let him tell it, she always got her hand out for something. well duh, cuz she know you gonna put something in it fool...

I would have my hand out too in that circumstance

But for real, if he is uncomfortable with it, then it's him that needs to grow the balls and him tht needs to have a conversation with the child's mother and the child (who will be undoubtedly upset if the money train all the sudden stops).

 

[miss Congeniality]

This whole thread seems a little weird to me. How long have you and this guy been together? Because your bf and his "baby's mama" have had a relationship for at least 12 years. This is their parenting style. Have you guys started talking about marriage already? Because I don't see the concern for what he is spending on his child.

The initial post seems weird because it sound like you were asking how dare his baby's mom asking him for money? I don't know if you meant to come off this way, but you sound like one of those girlfriends that are jealous of the baby's mama.

 

[Much2much41]

No, it's not my place as a gf to regulate BUT I feel like not saying anything plants the seed in his mind that this is okay. I can keep letting these annoying things happen w/o saying anything but then fast forward to living together, shared bank accounts,blah,blah and one day an issue comes up with BM and kid and BAM! All of a sudden I've reached my breaking point and I flip on him. I start bringing things up he's done back from 1942 (cuz I never said anything then) and he looking stupid because don't understand why I'm so mad......

What purpose do I serve in a relationship if I don't have a voice? My goal is not to make him change or tell him how to run his household and he is well aware that I'm not trying to play step mom. I want to be able to discuss my concerns. My thing is let's talk about it together, come to an understanding togehter, and avoid pitfalls in the future together. I would tell him just like I'm saying it on here, "I'm not hating because I know I'm just a gf right now but if we were to get very serious in the future, I just want you to know I'm not comfortable with your BM asking for money for situations like...and here's why...." His response and how he deals with what I have to say is his choice. Whatever the outcome is, I'm sure it will help me to see if I want to continue with him or not. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't about to open a can worms out of simply being petty. I don't want to waste either of our time so why not talk.

But the thing is, right now, your "voice" pertains to the relationship between you and him, not the ongoing relationship between him, his child's mother, and the child. When he approaches you about putting your finances together might be a better time to discuss how the money will be spent. This is a very delicate situation. No man wants to think you harbor any animosity toward his child, and since he gets along with the child's mother, the one that could come off looking like the villian is you. Yes, the child seems like a spoiled brat, but he's the one that did it. It's going to be hard to change that.

 

[Summer_Rain]

Actually he did spend the same amount on me for my B'day. I was shocked in a good way but I'm grown, and my gift was age and relationship appropriate. I would've had a problem if he bought me something lavish like a car for my B'Day because it's not appropriate for our relationship at this stage. It don't matter if he could afford it or not. That would make me look at him sideways. Apperantly he thinks it's ok to buy children adult like gifts and even though I don't agree, that's not my child so I have no comment on that.

She is his flesh and blood offspring, are you suggesting that his decision to buy her nice things isn't "relationship appropriate" ? She's been his for over 12 years, I mean no disrespect - but I'd imagine that you haven't.

Ultimately Lve - I think you have a decent man who is a good father. I'm not one to say that a coach bag is 'extravagant' or too much for a teenager, nor do I really compare it to the "middle class thread" as mentioned by another poster because the middle, upper, and rich all gift their children with things of similiar prices (ipods, computers, gaming systems, etc) She's entering her teenage years, and a "real" bag is a nice coming out gift IMHO. I got my first coach in my teens - so perhaps thats why i dont see the big deal.

But again, on the real - if he's spending equal money on you, and your just his GF - he is well within his rights to spend equal if not more on his DAUGHTER

 

[spelmanlocks]

You and your SO should talk it out now to see if its something you two can work on and deal with or if you'll need to be parting ways. No need to waste time in a relationship if you know this is a deal breaker for you.

However, I do think he has the right to give his daughter whatever he wants. I'm 24 and my dad still gives me money (most of the time I don't even ask) and I'm pretty sure a lot of girls whose fathers are active in their life have gotten expensive things that they didn't necessarily need at some point or other. Luckily my parents are still married but if they weren't I'd be p*ssed if some other woman came and tried to tell my father what he could and couldn't by me. And if the child comes to hate you then you then you and your SO's relationship may end up suffering. I'm not saying suck up to the child but think this through thoroughly, which it appears you are, before making any action.

 

[Summer_Rain]

But the thing is, right now, your "voice" pertains to the relationship between you and him, not the ongoing relationship between him, his child's mother, and the child. When he approaches you about putting your finances together might be a better time to discuss how the money will be spent. This is a very delicate situation. No man wants to think you harbor any animosity toward his child, and since he gets along with the child's mother, the one that could come off looking like the villian is you. Yes, the child seems like a spoiled brat, but he's the one that did it. It's going to be hard to change that.

lol. She's daddys little princess. And I'm very happy to see that considering that most young black girls in similiar circumstances rarely get it.

Let her be spoiled, because the truth is - if this was the OP's child, or if daddy and mama were still together, this convo would not even be had! NOT EVEN!

 

[SmartyPants]

But the thing is, right now, your "voice" pertains to the relationship between you and him, not the ongoing relationship between him, his child's mother, and the child. When he approaches you about putting your finances together might be a better time to discuss how the money will be spent. This is a very delicate situation. No man wants to think you harbor any animosity toward his child, and since he gets along with the child's mother, the one that could come off looking like the villian is you. Yes, the child seems like a spoiled brat, but he's the one that did it. It's going to be hard to change that.

You know, we don't even know if the child is a spoiled brat. Maybe she just likes nice things. The OP should stay out of it. I'd be more concerned if the BF allowed the OP to interfere with what appears to be a successful relationship between the child and her father and a successful co-parenting relationship between the BF and his ex. They made that child together. That child is their responsibility together. The OP is looking exceptionally petty to me.

 

[Summer_Rain]

You and your SO should talk it out now to see if its something you two can work on and deal with or if you'll need to be parting ways. No need to waste time in a relationship if you know this is a deal breaker for you.

However, I do think he has the right to give his daughter whatever he wants. I'm 24 and my dad still gives me money (most of the time I don't even ask) and I'm pretty sure a lot of girls whose fathers are active in their life have gotten expensive things that they didn't necessarily need at some point or other. Luckily my parents are still married but if they weren't I'd be p*ssed if some other woman came and tried to tell my father what he could and couldn't by me. And if the child comes to hate you then you then you and your SO's relationship may end up suffering. I'm not saying suck up to the child but think this through thoroughly, which it appears you are, before making any action.

ITA 1000000000%

A FATHER IS A GIRLS FIRST EXPERIENCE IN HOW A MAN SHOULD TREAT A WOMAN IN A RELATIONSHIP. A FATHER IS LIKE HER FIRST BOYFRIEND (IF YOU WILL). ALLOW THAT MAN TO ESTABLISH STANDARDS IN HIS DAUGHTERS LIFE, AS A FATHER SHOULD.

It sounds like he's got enough money to go around, so just fall back - lil girl ain't dipping into your christmas or valentines day gift fund apparently - so don't even sweat it. For real.

 

[Much2much41]

lol. She's daddys little princess. And I'm very happy to see that considering that most young black girls in similiar circumstances rarely get it.

Let her be spoiled, because the truth is - if this was the OP's child, or if daddy and mama were still together, this convo would not even be had! NOT EVEN!

I don't necessarily mean "brat" in the worst way, LOL, but that kid has stuff on her wish list I wouldn't have even DREAMED of asking for at 12 years old. I would have thought asking for the Coach purse was a stretch .

 

[Summer_Rain]

You know, we don't even know if the child is a spoiled brat. Maybe she just likes nice things. The OP should stay out of it. I'd be more concerned if the BF allowed the OP to interfere with what appears to be a successful relationship between the child and her father and a successful co-parenting relationship between the BF and his ex. They made that child together. That child is their responsibility together. The OP is looking exceptionally petty to me.

And it's unfortunate, because it seems like he holds his daughter in high esteem (and again has a decent relationship with her mom) so if the OP isn't careful, her envy and what reads as resentment may cause her to lose him

 

[Summer_Rain]

I don't necessarily mean "brat" in the worst way, LOL, but that kid has stuff on her wish list I wouldn't have even DREAMED of asking for at 12 years old. I would have thought asking for the Coach purse was a stretch .

but we come from a different generation! my five year old SERIOUSLY asked me for an iPOD and PS2. And truth be told, I'm considering getting him an ipod shuffle. Granted it isn't 300bucks, but some may still see that as over the top for a 5yr old - but he presented me with a valid argument when he made his request! LOL

And it's evident that the daughter, mama and obviously daddy have very parituclar taste....and there is nothing at all wrong with it IMHO...it's a gift!

 

[donna894]

THANK YOU miss Congeniality and Much2much41!!! I had to step away from this thread and couldn't help coming back!!

I feel like she is still in his pocket even though they aren't together anymore . Am I being petty?

As long as they have a child to raise, he will have to contribute toward his child's expenses, including if his child decides to go to college. I don't think you're being petty - just naive.

You are so right, that's why in one of my previous posts I said I think she feels pressured to compete b/c he spends so much money on his kid. I'm not beefing with her for the simple fact that she asked for the gift, I'm looking crazy because WHY IS SHE SO COMFORTABLE ASKING??? We both know the answer. Is that her fault? partly no b/c of what you said, he is gonna do it. *

*Ephiany (sp)*...that's wny he talks about her the way he does. Let him tell it, she always got her hand out for something. well duh, cuz she know you gonna put something in it fool...

They have a 12 year old daughter together and probably knew each other long before that! Seeing how they've seen each other naked, made a baby together and have know each other for at least 13 years, why shouldn't she be comfortable?? Especially since he obviously cares for his child because he's active in her life and provides support.

Now you've said and others have agreed that they wouldn't buy a 13 year old a $300 purse. Well that's you. But there are others who are good parents who would (BTW -- I wish I had a $300 purse). Seems to me that this is between his child's mother and him. And if he doesn't want to do this, he should take this up with her. He sounds like an intelligent man who can figure this out for himself. Fathers are very important to adolescent girls. Your SO seems like a good man who is handling his responsibilities.

lveurslf I don't want to seem harsh, I really don't. You mentioned that you don't have children so it may be more difficult for you to relate to this situation. For the past twelve years, your SO and his child's mother have been working together to raise their daughter. They know what works. Your role is to be your man's SO, not to interfere with how he raises his daughter which is exactly what you are doing by questioning how much he spends on his child. That simply is not your business unless he's not paying his bills because he's buying expensive gifts and is using up your money.

Hopefully you and he can work this out before you marry.

 

[lveurslf]

Okay, thanks everyone for your repsonses. I won't say anything.

 

[MizzBrown]

So youre not gonna say anything but PLEASE file it in your memory under "things to consider before I marry him".

 

[Much2much41]

but we come from a different generation! my five year old SERIOUSLY asked me for an iPOD and PS2. And truth be told, I'm considering getting him an ipod shuffle. Granted it isn't 300bucks, but some may still see that as over the top for a 5yr old - but he presented me with a valid argument when he made his request! LOL

And it's evident that the daughter, mama and obviously daddy have very parituclar taste....and there is nothing at all wrong with it IMHO...it's a gift!

Was he breakin it down? Go 'head on, lil man!!

I think for some of us ladies w/o children, (myself included), it's kind of hard to find a balance and know when it's safe to interject when dealing with a man w/kids. What might seem reasonable to the parents might be absurd to the girlfriend, and in some cases it IS absurd, but the challenge is in knowing when to hold 'em, and know when to fold 'em. If it truly doesn't affect me, I can't make a case for getting involved, and even if it DOES affect me, I still have to approach things from a standpoint that what I have to say may not be well-received because I'm not the biological parent, even if I were the wife. That's why I try not to date men with kids, because it's all a balancing act, and it's a bit more than I prefer to deal with.

 

[Summer_Rain]

Was he breakin it down? Go 'head on, lil man!!

I think for some of us ladies w/o children, (myself included), it's kind of hard to find a balance and know when it's safe to interject when dealing with a man w/kids. What might seem reasonable to the parents might be absurd to the girlfriend, and in some cases it IS absurd, but the challenge is in knowing when to hold 'em, and know when to fold 'em. If it truly doesn't affect me, I can't make a case for getting involved, and even if it DOES affect me, I still have to approach things from a standpoint that what I have to say may not be well-received because I'm not the biological parent, even if I were the wife. That's why I try not to date men with kids, because it's all a balancing act, and it's a bit more than I prefer to deal with.

yes girl! He told me that he needs it to keep him occupied when he's waiting for me after his gymnastics classes. It's funny because the club he belongs to, well there are MAYBE 3 black kids and at least 100 clear kids. And sure as sh*t, I pick him up and kids are gangsta leanin on the walls or bars listening to iPODS while they stretch or what have you. I asked him "WTH kinda music are you going to listen to??!!" *smh* but i'll probably get him a shuffle and load it with kids bop tunes. shuffles are only $80, I'll monitor its usage and the tradeoff is that he has to give away some of his old video games to a local shelter. Between that and the PS2, it's "all i ever wanted mommy".!!

But yes, I do agree with your 2nd paragraph. It can be a very slippery slope, and not everyone is cut out to take on a challenge like that

 

[Laginappe]

Yes I think you’re petty and way out of line.

I also don’t agree with how these two are raising their kid, because I believe that no child who can’t figure out how to earn $300 should have a purse, video game, shoes, or other frivolity worth $300. But that's just me...

If I were dating a man who thought it was ok to buy a child something that expensive I’d take it as a clue as to what kind of parent he is. And weigh that vs the kind of co-parent I’d want to raise MY child(ren) with.

Their situation is totally typical and normal in today’s society. Parent’s are seperated and both are over-compensating for the emotional damage their child is dealing with because of their decisions. “I feel guilty baby… here’s a Coach bag!”

It comes with the territory and if you can’t acknowledge it SILENTLY then you need not to be with a man who operates in this fashion. It is not about having your voice heard. In terms of his relationship with his child and that child’s mother – you are irrelevant. And you will remain irrelevant even if you marry him. His relationship with her and her mother came WAY before you were on scene.

If you want this man, deal with the way things are. That his and his ex’s parenting style doesn’t mesh with yours. That if you have children with him, there’s going to be conflict because he’s probably going to be ok with buying expensive things for that daughter and not so much for the kids he has with you BECAUSE those are the parenting dynamics you two have created. That your kids might look at their older-half sister with resentment because she has every new and shiny thing…. And at the same time that older half-sister is going to look at your kids with resentment because her daddy went off and re-created the Cleavers while she’s demoted to being a visitor in his home.

It is textbook. Deal with it or move on.

You have to cut the “..but if it were me…” BS. It is not you. It is not your child. Won’t ever be. However if you marry him, and have children with him… well, it STILL won’t be you. She and He are always going to have a different way of raising their daughter vs You and He with yours. Conflicts pending? Bet on it.

Your role right now is simple observance. You keep your mouth shut. You have no right or reason to comment at all on his decisions about his child. All you can (and SHOULD!) do is learn about him, his decisions, his parenting process and ESPECIALLY his coping skills. If the results of your observations don’t mesh with what you think should happen then you have a hard decision to make.

But please God save yourself, him, his ex, his current child and especially any future children you think you might have from the grief of proceeding in a relationship with a person who you aren't “equally yoked” with. Doing otherwise is just a precursor to another post where the next someone has cast YOU in the role of “Baby Mama.”

 

[wantingtogrow]

Whilst I do think you should not say anything because you are not in the correct position to do so. I do not think you are totally petty or 'way out of line'. Why should you be stoned for the way you feel, the issue only becomes a problem when you do something negative about it.
It is their choice how they bring up their child and how they spend money on her. However if you do get married only then will it become your problem and you do have a say in how your finances are run. I do not believe that even when if/when you get married that it is still not your business because even the law recognizes that you hold a relationship to the child (step).
If he has more children then obviously he may not be able to lavish expensive gifts on all of them and you do have the right to protect your own interests as well.
I think people are being a bit hard on you as it is a normal feeling, which is reflective of the way you were brought up. However you only step out of line when you say something to change the situation when you are not a position to do so.

 

[gone_fishing]

I was a step mother for six years (I still keep in contact with my lil girl - I still call her that).

Her mother would also request rather elaborate gifts and want to throw $2000 birthday parties before the child was even old enough to appreciate them but I always kept my mouth shut unless it meant we were going to suffer financially in some way. If it didn't mean our usual saving wasn't being interrupted and we weren't going to not be able to pay a bill because of it, I didn't say a word.

Particularly for a holiday or a birthday party, I just stayed out of it. It's not worth the conflict you can cause over a few hundred dollars. Now if he brought up to me, I think her mom is being unreasonable and asked me my opinion, I would certainly state how I felt in truth. But, although I didn't always agree, I figured I'd not want someone butting their nose in our parental business if the roles were reversed. Keep in mind though, I have a great relationship with step child's mother. We still talk regularly. She's on my myspace page.

In fact, here's pretty much an excerpt of our most recent Christmas convo:

Tonia (11/12/2007 7:18:07 PM): hey, what's up with you
gratiae (11/12/2007 7:19:26 PM): hmmm
gratiae (11/12/2007 7:19:28 PM): nothing much
gratiae (11/12/2007 7:19:52 PM): just bracing for the holidays
Tonia (11/12/2007 7:24:02 PM): i know. Kenya has an expensive shopping list
gratiae (11/12/2007 7:24:29 PM): this one isn't really materialistic but he's gonna transformers me and train set me to death. He's not really into the media frenzy yet and I'm happy because I don't want him sitting in front of video games all day long.
gratiae (11/12/2007 7:24:50 PM): and his teacher has made some suggestions for some things
Tonia (11/12/2007 7:25:00 PM): she used to say "I don't care what i get for Christmas"
Tonia (11/12/2007 7:25:51 PM): but this year it is everything from a laptop to a Playstation 2 to a bowling ball to a flatscreen tv and a nintendo handheld game system
gratiae (11/12/2007 7:26:01 PM): holy crap
gratiae (11/12/2007 7:26:02 PM): lol
gratiae (11/12/2007 7:26:18 PM): sounds like somebody we know with their expensive tastes
Tonia (11/12/2007 7:26:21 PM): I am just waiting on your husband to ask what she wants and I am going to tell him a lapto
gratiae (11/12/2007 7:26:27 PM): lol
gratiae (11/12/2007 7:26:31 PM): now you know he is not my husband anymo' he is our problem equally now. let me know what he says, maybe I should put in my requests first LOL. Let me submit my order request first, I have less on the list.
Tonia (11/12/2007 7:27:04 PM): He would come out cheaper to get that and let me get the rest of the list
gratiae (11/12/2007 7:27:24 PM): he might...all you can do is ask
Tonia (11/12/2007 7:27:50 PM): we'll see
Tonia (11/12/2007 7:28:04 PM): we will be prepared to get it for her
Tonia (11/12/2007 7:29:21 PM): He needs to get used to it because it is only going to get more expensive as she gets older
Tonia (11/12/2007 7:29:50 PM): Barbies are not important anymore
gratiae (11/12/2007 7:30:07 PM): lol

This girl is only 10 years old. LOL.

So there ya go...

Well, now it IS reversed since we are divorced. There is no "other" woman yet but I've already let him know on no uncertain terms that NO woman better ever interfere with what he does for his child or child support. Otherwise, me and her gonna have a problem. And he understands that and agrees and I seriously hope his new girl whenever he finds one takes heed. That man makes a lot of money and he has plenty to spend on BOTH children and still have enough money left over to wine and dine her so I better never hear any complaints.

I know this to be true since our Consent Court Order (we agreed upon) requires that he give me a copy of his tax return every year by April 15.

LOL, but my ex is so paranoid about losing HALF...I don't think he'll be getting married again for a long long time. erplexed

I'm not judging you OP because I agree the gift is a bit much. Some women have different views on buying expensive gifts for children than others. Personally, I don't think a 12 year old can even appreciate a $300.00 purse. I probably wouldn't do it for my son. I might by her a $300 something that's actually worth $300.00 but ummm a purse isn't worth $300.00 to me. However, I'd put the value of my relationship ABOVE and BEYOND this measely $300.00 and just not say anything for now.

Men LOVE LOVE LOVE their little girls and if they get the feeling that gf is trying to interfere (even if they don't out and say that's what they are thinking) you could push him away.

If he asks your opinion, give it but if he doesn't, just let it go.

Even when you're married, unless it interferes seriously with your ability to save money for retirement, vacations, etc. or pay a bill, I'd just not say much about it. If he just has the extra dough to spend that he might have just spent on something equally frivolous for himself or for you, I'd just hush as long as my other needs were being met.

The child is 12 years old. This is just the beginning. If $300.00 is going to bother you now, you're going to be really irritated by the time the child hits 16/17 so get it in your head what you can deal with and what you cannot.

This may not be the best relationship for you if this is something that's going to eat you up.

Hugs. It's gonna be alright!

 

[Kawaii1]

No offense was taken. Different opinions is what I wanted, that's why I"m here. :Rose:

Maybe I am being petty but I don't deny that I do have a problem with who is asking. The relationship between them is over and I don't think it's appropriate for her to ask him to buy stuff that the child doesn't need and she obviously can't afford to buy. Is the gift really that serious? I'm not mad at her choice to ask, but if it were me, I would buy my child something I could afford to give without having to resort to asking my child's father, especially if I knew he was already doing something nice for her on his own. Just because he has the means to buy it doesn't mean he should. If you gonna ask for something, ask for a reason that is of importance.

Somebody doesn't have kids.................sorry but you are wrong. If me and the DH ever split I will not hesitate to ask for help on buying my baby an nice gift if he deserves it. It's his responsibility to provide these things whether you deem them necessary or not. If you bring this up to him, trust and believe it will cause a problem and you might find yourself getting dumped. Don't cross the line, you don't have a right to meddle in how he spends his money on his baby.

Miss Congenialtiy and SummerRain~ Ya'll hit the nail on the head. If that man has the money then he can give it to here. Now if the girl doesn't deserve it then there is a problem. Also this could be a sign, if this man ain't got his sh*t together and is spending money extravegently(sp?) then you might need to watch that.

 

[beverly]

I dont think you are being petty. Its all about values, and if you tow do do decide to get married, then you will share different values about this particular subject and others like it

I do not have children, but when I do, I would never spend $500 on purse - for a child that is under 18 years old. I have never purchased a purse for myself that was $500, and never will. I already know there are certain things that that I will do, and certain things that I wont do based on my own upbringing. If he asked your opinion about it, I would be upfront with your feelings. Its not what you say its how you say it. Maybe he does want your confirmation that this is not what he should do since he told you about it to begin with.
The father should get the child what he wants for a birthday gift, not what the baby mama wants. If they baby mama wants the child to have that particular present as a birthday gift, then it is her responsiblity to purchase it.

Bev

 

[lveurslf]

A couple posts were a bit hurtful....

I don't think some biological moms could understand how hard it is for a single woman who doesn't have kids to suddenly adjust to a lifestyle completely different from what she knows.There ain't no 9 months for us to get menatlly, emotionally and spiritually prepared for a child. We come into a situation where we have to sink or swim. I know that everyday I'm with him that's MY CHOICE to be in this and obviously I'm here for a good reason. I love my man enough to make it work. I am well aware that making it work includes having a good relationship with all of his family, BM included. I'm just asking if I'm being petty because I have never experienced this situation before and I was confused with how to deal with it. I'm just trying to make some sense of my feelings. I'm not ashamed of them nor will I let another woman who doesn't really know me or my situation tell me I'm wrong for my feelings. I know I ain't perfect and I will make some mistakes in this relationship and he will too. Just b/c you're a parent don't mean you know everything about being one.


I'm not jealous nor do I want to control my man's life. I do not intend to do that. I want what's best for him, his ex, and his kid. I don't think we would have been together long enough for me to meet his kid if he felt I was that kind of woman. We even talked about my place in his life for a couple of months before I met his little girl so he had plenty of time to make sure this was a step he wanted to take.

This is not about the money. Yes I brought it up but only to paint a picture of the situation.Of course he is going to do anything for his daughter, That's what a good father would do but do I agree with overindulging in children? no, and I have enough sense to know it's not my place to say something about until we start talking about making our own family. That's not the issue though, If BM came and asked for money for a silly reason, I take issue because I don't want to see my man being taken advantage of. I don't care if it was his BM or his best friend, don't be trying to take advantage just because you know you can.

This has nothing to do with his daughter, to me it's deeper than that. Just because a woman has a child with a man doesn't give her free reign over his life or his money (that is saying something about him, which once again, I do partly blame him for that). If he chooses to spend his life with me, her relationship should not trump me, it should include me. I think that would be selfish of her and disrepectful to him and me if she kept coming to him asking for money that she doesn't need. No matter how many kids ya'll got, you still an ex and there needs to be boundaries that reflect that.

 

[Much2much41]

I was a step mother for six years (I still keep in contact with my lil girl - I still call her that).

Her mother would also request rather elaborate gifts and want to throw $2000 birthday parties before the child was even old enough to appreciate them but I always kept my mouth shut unless it meant we were going to suffer financially in some way. If it didn't mean our usual saving wasn't being interrupted and we weren't going to not be able to pay a bill because of it, I didn't say a word.

Particularly for a holiday or a birthday party, I just stayed out of it. It's not worth the conflict you can cause over a few hundred dollars. Now if he brought up to me, I think her mom is being unreasonable and asked me my opinion, I would certainly state how I felt in truth. But, although I didn't always agree, I figured I'd not want someone butting their nose in our parental business if the roles were reversed. Keep in mind though, I have a great relationship with step child's mother. We still talk regularly. She's on my myspace page.

In fact, here's pretty much an excerpt of our most recent Christmas convo:

Tonia (11/12/2007 7:18:07 PM): hey, what's up with you
gratiae (11/12/2007 7:19:26 PM): hmmm
gratiae (11/12/2007 7:19:28 PM): nothing much
gratiae (11/12/2007 7:19:52 PM): just bracing for the holidays
Tonia (11/12/2007 7:24:02 PM): i know. Kenya has an expensive shopping list
gratiae (11/12/2007 7:24:29 PM): this one isn't really materialistic but he's gonna transformers me and train set me to death. He's not really into the media frenzy yet and I'm happy because I don't want him sitting in front of video games all day long.
gratiae (11/12/2007 7:24:50 PM): and his teacher has made some suggestions for some things
Tonia (11/12/2007 7:25:00 PM): she used to say "I don't care what i get for Christmas"
Tonia (11/12/2007 7:25:51 PM): but this year it is everything from a laptop to a Playstation 2 to a bowling ball to a flatscreen tv and a nintendo handheld game system
gratiae (11/12/2007 7:26:01 PM): holy crap
gratiae (11/12/2007 7:26:02 PM): lol
gratiae (11/12/2007 7:26:18 PM): sounds like somebody we know with their expensive tastes
Tonia (11/12/2007 7:26:21 PM): I am just waiting on your husband to ask what she wants and I am going to tell him a lapto
gratiae (11/12/2007 7:26:27 PM): lol
gratiae (11/12/2007 7:26:31 PM): now you know he is not my husband anymo' he is our problem equally now. let me know what he says, maybe I should put in my requests first LOL. Let me submit my order request first, I have less on the list.
Tonia (11/12/2007 7:27:04 PM): He would come out cheaper to get that and let me get the rest of the list
gratiae (11/12/2007 7:27:24 PM): he might...all you can do is ask
Tonia (11/12/2007 7:27:50 PM): we'll see
Tonia (11/12/2007 7:28:04 PM): we will be prepared to get it for her
Tonia (11/12/2007 7:29:21 PM): He needs to get used to it because it is only going to get more expensive as she gets older
Tonia (11/12/2007 7:29:50 PM): Barbies are not important anymore
gratiae (11/12/2007 7:30:07 PM): lol

This girl is only 10 years old. LOL.

So there ya go...

Well, now it IS reversed since we are divorced. There is no "other" woman yet but I've already let him know on no uncertain terms that NO woman better ever interfere with what he does for his child or child support. Otherwise, me and her gonna have a problem. And he understands that and agrees and I seriously hope his new girl whenever he finds one takes heed. That man makes a lot of money and he has plenty to spend on BOTH children and still have enough money left over to wine and dine her so I better never hear any complaints.

I know this to be true since our Consent Court Order (we agreed upon) requires that he give me a copy of his tax return every year by April 15.

LOL, but my ex is so paranoid about losing HALF...I don't think he'll be getting married again for a long long time. erplexed

I'm not judging you OP because I agree the gift is a bit much. Some women have different views on buying expensive gifts for children than others. Personally, I don't think a 12 year old can even appreciate a $300.00 purse. I probably wouldn't do it for my son. I might by her a $300 something that's actually worth $300.00 but ummm a purse isn't worth $300.00 to me. However, I'd put the value of my relationship ABOVE and BEYOND this measely $300.00 and just not say anything for now.

Men LOVE LOVE LOVE their little girls and if they get the feeling that gf is trying to interfere (even if they don't out and say that's what they are thinking) you could push him away.

If he asks your opinion, give it but if he doesn't, just let it go.

Even when you're married, unless it interferes seriously with your ability to save money for retirement, vacations, etc. or pay a bill, I'd just not say much about it. If he just has the extra dough to spend that he might have just spent on something equally frivolous for himself or for you, I'd just hush as long as my other needs were being met.

The child is 12 years old. This is just the beginning. If $300.00 is going to bother you now, you're going to be really irritated by the time the child hits 16/17 so get it in your head what you can deal with and what you cannot.

This may not be the best relationship for you if this is something that's going to eat you up.

Hugs. It's gonna be alright!

I'm with you except for the bolded. If I marry a man, I'm not just some woman in his life. I wouldn't make any unreasonable requests or try to slight anybody's child, and would probably love the child to pieces, but marriage is about "forsaking all others". If I have an issue with something that is going on (not child support, which is a given, but other things), then I have as a wife the right to state my case and have my voice heard. I wouldn't marry a man that believes otherwise. If what he is doing affects me, believe me, I'm speaking up about it. No other woman is running things where I pay bills except me, just like I wouldn't go to her house trying to run hers. JMHO

 

[gone_fishing]

I'm with you except for the bolded. If I marry a man, I'm not just some woman in his life. I wouldn't make any unreasonable requests or try to slight anybody's child, and would probably love the child to pieces, but marriage is about "forsaking all others". If I have an issue with something that is going on (not child support, which is a given, but other things), then I have as a wife the right to state my case and have my voice heard. I wouldn't marry a man that believes otherwise. If what he is doing affects me, believe me, I'm speaking up about it. No other woman is running things where I pay bills except me, just like I wouldn't go to her house trying to run hers. JMHO

But, you aren't paying the bills.

And this is what I said.

Her mother would also request rather elaborate gifts and want to throw $2000 birthday parties before the child was even old enough to appreciate them but I always kept my mouth shut unless it meant we were going to suffer financially in some way. If it didn't mean our usual saving wasn't being interrupted and we weren't going to not be able to pay a bill because of it, I didn't say a word.

This is how I believe it should be. If she's not being directly affected then it's none of her (the other woman's) business. If they (a couple) have a plan to save a certain amount of money or they are scraping by or cannot pay a bill then I understanding the other woman speaking up absolutely! You don't go broke buying $300.00 purses for your kid. I wouldn't do that regardless but that's besides the point. But if it affects the other woman's pocket not at all, I think she should let it go. I did it for my step-daughter as well and I expect the same for my child.

We never went without so it was not a big deal.

And I've been on both sides of the fence so I get you.

Is it just the "principle" for you or are you scared his lavish spending on his daughter will impact your ability to meet financial goals, etc. once you are married?

 

[Much2much41]

A couple posts were a bit hurtful....

I don't think some biological moms could understand how hard it is for a single woman who doesn't have kids to suddenly adjust to a lifestyle completely different from what she knows.There ain't no 9 months for us to get menatlly, emotionally and spiritually prepared for a child. We come into a situation where we have to sink or swim. I know that everyday I'm with him that's MY CHOICE to be in this and obviously I'm here for a good reason. I love my man enough to make it work. I am well aware that making it work includes having a good relationship with all of his family, BM included. I'm just asking if I'm being petty because I have never experienced this situation before and I was confused with how to deal with it. I'm just trying to make some sense of my feelings. I'm not ashamed of them nor will I let another woman who doesn't really know me or my situation tell me I'm wrong for my feelings. I know I ain't perfect and I will make some mistakes in this relationship and he will too. Just b/c you're a parent don't mean you know everything about being one.


I'm not jealous nor do I want to control my man's life. I do not intend to do that. I want what's best for him, his ex, and his kid. I don't think we would have been together long enough for me to meet his kid if he felt I was that kind of woman. We even talked about my place in his life for a couple of months before I met his little girl so he had plenty of time to make sure this was a step he wanted to take.

This is not about the money. Yes I brought it up but only to paint a picture of the situation.Of course he is going to do anything for his daughter, That's what a good father would do but do I agree with overindulging in children? no, and I have enough sense to know it's not my place to say something about until we start talking about making our own family. That's not the issue though, If BM came and asked for money for a silly reason, I take issue because I don't want to see my man being taken advantage of. I don't care if it was his BM or his best friend, don't be trying to take advantage just because you know you can.

This has nothing to do with his daughter, to me it's deeper than that. Just because a woman has a child with a man doesn't give her free reign over his life or his money (that is saying something about him, which once again, I do partly blame him for that). If he chooses to spend his life with me, her relationship should not trump me, it should include me. I think that would be selfish of her and disrepectful to him and me if she kept coming to him asking for money that she doesn't need. No matter how many kids ya'll got, you still an ex and there needs to be boundaries that reflect that.

I agree with you, especially the bolded. I believe some mothers believe that they have free reign over every aspect of the mans' money, time, and household, whether there is a new woman in his life or not. The role of "mother" has been inflated beyond what it should be in some cases. Yes, the child's mother has rights, but her rights end where the new woman's (especially wife's) begins. There will be times when everyone involved will have to defer to someone else, but it should never be that the wife has to do it ALL the time. That's a woman with a ring that remains on "girlfriend" status, not a wife. Don't ask me to take a back seat to your child. The least you can do is have us share the front.

 

[gone_fishing]

I agree with you, especially the bolded. I believe some mothers believe that they have free reign over every aspect of the mans' money, time, and household, whether there is a new woman in his life or not. The role of "mother" has been inflated beyond what it should be in some cases. Yes, the child's mother has rights, but her rights end where the new woman's (especially wife's) begins. There will be times when everyone involved will have to defer to someone else, but it should never be that the wife has to do it ALL the time. That's a woman with a ring that remains on "girlfriend" status, not a wife. Don't ask me to take a back seat to your child. The least you can do is have us share the front.

I honestly think folk's responses would be a bit different if they were married. But, (and I'm not trying to make light of the situation) there isn't even an engagement in this case and girlfriends come and go. I just would not want to interfere in this issue unless it was impacting me financially some how. This is really about child rearing and spoiling than it is about money to me since it's not even "their" money, it's "his" money. So I believe it's not a girlfriend's place to share the front seat with a child. I would have never dreamed of telling a boyfriend how to run his finances unless he explicitly asked me.

 

[Summer_Rain]

A couple posts were a bit hurtful....

I don't think some biological moms could understand how hard it is for a single woman who doesn't have kids to suddenly adjust to a lifestyle completely different from what she knows.There ain't no 9 months for us to get menatlly, emotionally and spiritually prepared for a child. We come into a situation where we have to sink or swim. I know that everyday I'm with him that's MY CHOICE to be in this and obviously I'm here for a good reason. I love my man enough to make it work. I am well aware that making it work includes having a good relationship with all of his family, BM included. I'm just asking if I'm being petty because I have never experienced this situation before and I was confused with how to deal with it. I'm just trying to make some sense of my feelings. I'm not ashamed of them nor will I let another woman who doesn't really know me or my situation tell me I'm wrong for my feelings. I know I ain't perfect and I will make some mistakes in this relationship and he will too. Just b/c you're a parent don't mean you know everything about being one.


I'm not jealous nor do I want to control my man's life. I do not intend to do that. I want what's best for him, his ex, and his kid. I don't think we would have been together long enough for me to meet his kid if he felt I was that kind of woman. We even talked about my place in his life for a couple of months before I met his little girl so he had plenty of time to make sure this was a step he wanted to take.

This is not about the money. Yes I brought it up but only to paint a picture of the situation.Of course he is going to do anything for his daughter, That's what a good father would do but do I agree with overindulging in children? no, and I have enough sense to know it's not my place to say something about until we start talking about making our own family. That's not the issue though, If BM came and asked for money for a silly reason, I take issue because I don't want to see my man being taken advantage of. I don't care if it was his BM or his best friend, don't be trying to take advantage just because you know you can.

This has nothing to do with his daughter, to me it's deeper than that. Just because a woman has a child with a man doesn't give her free reign over his life or his money (that is saying something about him, which once again, I do partly blame him for that). If he chooses to spend his life with me, her relationship should not trump me, it should include me. I think that would be selfish of her and disrepectful to him and me if she kept coming to him asking for money that she doesn't need. No matter how many kids ya'll got, you still an ex and there needs to be boundaries that reflect that.

It's obvious now that this issue is much much deeper, you raise valid points and concerns - I think many of us are advising you to pick your battles, and to some of his - getting upset about how much he spends on her bday gifts isn't worth warring over.

You seem to feel, I don't want to say competitive, nor do I want to necessarily intimidated - but to an extent I get that vibe. How long have you been with him? You mentioned boundaries, which boundaries do you feel that she's crossed, aside from this one?

 

[Much2much41]

But, you aren't paying the bills.

And this is what I said.

Her mother would also request rather elaborate gifts and want to throw $2000 birthday parties before the child was even old enough to appreciate them but I always kept my mouth shut unless it meant we were going to suffer financially in some way. If it didn't mean our usual saving wasn't being interrupted and we weren't going to not be able to pay a bill because of it, I didn't say a word.

This is how I believe it should be. If she's not being directly affected then it's none of her (the other woman's) business. If they (a couple) have a plan to save a certain amount of money or they are scraping by or cannot pay a bill then I understanding the other woman speaking up absolutely! You don't go broke buying $300.00 purses for your kid. I wouldn't do that regardless but that's besides the point. But if it affects the other woman's pocket not at all, I think she should let it go. I did it for my step-daughter as well and I expect the same for my child.

We never went without so it was not a big deal.

And I've been on both sides of the fence so I get you.

Is it just the "principle" for you or are you scared his lavish spending on his daughter will impact your ability to meet financial goals, etc. once you are married?

If I'm married to the father, working, and living in the house, and contributing the funds, I AM paying the bills. My point is that if what he does for his child doesn't affect me, I don't care what he does. If what he does affects me, then I'm speaking up, and the child's mother isn't running my household. If he wants to pay for a pony ride every day for a year, if it doesn't come out of my pocket, and we can still accomplish our goals as a married couple, have at it. But if what he is doing for his child outside of child support and reasonable extras slows down our progress, he and I have some talking to do. Child's mother does not=Queen of the World. Just because she asks doesn't mean everybody has to stop in their tracks to do what she wants. It's not just about her and what she wants, especially when it comes to non-essentials. I spoil the heck out of all the children (niece, nephew, friends kids, etc) in my life, and I'm not an envious person. I can certainly see myself going out of the way for the child of a man that I love. But I think some mothers go to far in their demands and milk the well dry, and it's ridiculous. How many men can run THEIR households and the child's mother when SHE's married? I doubt it's as many as the reverse.

 

[lveurslf]

Is it just the "principle" for you or are you scared his lavish spending on his daughter will impact your ability to meet financial goals, etc. once you are married?[/QUOTE]

No ma'am. I fully intend to have my own personal goals and aspirations outside of him even if we were married (something he and I already talked about). We would share some finances (household). I just don't like the idea of people leaching off of him, ANYBODY. I see it as a potential problem with HER because of what he has told me she is like. I don't want it to start off as something for his daughter and then it snowballs into other pointless things becuase she knows she can get money from him. Like the sister said a couple posts up "No other woman is running things where I pay bills except me, just like I wouldn't go to her house trying to run hers." I could not have said it better.