Baby Mama ?

[Much2much41]

I honestly think folk's responses would be a bit different if they were married. But, (and I'm not trying to make light of the situation) there isn't even an engagement in this case and girlfriends come and go. I just would not want to interfere in this issue unless it was impacting me financially some how. This is really about child rearing and spoiling than it is about money to me since it's not even "their" money, it's "his" money. So I believe it's not a girlfriend's place to share the front seat with a child. I would have never dreamed of telling a boyfriend how to run his finances unless he explicitly asked me.

I said wife. I already told OP that I believed she should stay out of it, especially due to her "girlfriend" status. The conversation evolved to discussing spouses, and that's what I was talking about. I agree with you wholeheartedly about the girlfriend thing. Wife is an altogether different thing, IMHO.

 

[beverly]

it sounds like you have it together girl, and do what is best for you. some people were quite rude with their responses I do agree.

However, if he came to you for your opinion, I would honestly give it. If he didn't ask your opinion dont give. But you can use these type of circumstances and how he handles them in the long term to decide whether or not he is the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with and if you can or can not deal with these situations.

good luck,

Bev

A couple posts were a bit hurtful....

I don't think some biological moms could understand how hard it is for a single woman who doesn't have kids to suddenly adjust to a lifestyle completely different from what she knows.There ain't no 9 months for us to get menatlly, emotionally and spiritually prepared for a child. We come into a situation where we have to sink or swim. I know that everyday I'm with him that's MY CHOICE to be in this and obviously I'm here for a good reason. I love my man enough to make it work. I am well aware that making it work includes having a good relationship with all of his family, BM included. I'm just asking if I'm being petty because I have never experienced this situation before and I was confused with how to deal with it. I'm just trying to make some sense of my feelings. I'm not ashamed of them nor will I let another woman who doesn't really know me or my situation tell me I'm wrong for my feelings. I know I ain't perfect and I will make some mistakes in this relationship and he will too. Just b/c you're a parent don't mean you know everything about being one.


I'm not jealous nor do I want to control my man's life. I do not intend to do that. I want what's best for him, his ex, and his kid. I don't think we would have been together long enough for me to meet his kid if he felt I was that kind of woman. We even talked about my place in his life for a couple of months before I met his little girl so he had plenty of time to make sure this was a step he wanted to take.

This is not about the money. Yes I brought it up but only to paint a picture of the situation.Of course he is going to do anything for his daughter, That's what a good father would do but do I agree with overindulging in children? no, and I have enough sense to know it's not my place to say something about until we start talking about making our own family. That's not the issue though, If BM came and asked for money for a silly reason, I take issue because I don't want to see my man being taken advantage of. I don't care if it was his BM or his best friend, don't be trying to take advantage just because you know you can.

This has nothing to do with his daughter, to me it's deeper than that. Just because a woman has a child with a man doesn't give her free reign over his life or his money (that is saying something about him, which once again, I do partly blame him for that). If he chooses to spend his life with me, her relationship should not trump me, it should include me. I think that would be selfish of her and disrepectful to him and me if she kept coming to him asking for money that she doesn't need. No matter how many kids ya'll got, you still an ex and there needs to be boundaries that reflect that.

 

[Summer_Rain]

No ma'am. I fully intend to have my own personal goals and aspirations outside of him even if we were married (something he and I already talked about). We would share some finances (household). I just don't like the idea of people leaching off of him, ANYBODY. I see it as a potential problem with HER because of what he has told me she is like. I don't want it to start off as something for his daughter and then it snowballs into other pointless things becuase she knows she can get money from him. Like the sister said a couple posts up "No other woman is running things where I pay bills except me, just like I wouldn't go to her house trying to run hers." I could not have said it better.

Has it snowballed yet? What boundaries do you feel she crosses now?

 

[lveurslf]

Has it snowballed yet? What boundaries do you feel she crosses now?

We've been officially dating for 4 but we'd been talking 3 months before.

This is the second incident. I really would not like to get into the first one. I'd like to keep that private. He acknowleged he was wrong in that situation so that's water under the bridge.

 

[gone_fishing]

it sounds like you have it together girl, and do what is best for you. some people were quite rude with their responses I do agree.

However, if he came to you for your opinion, I would honestly give it. If he didn't ask your opinion dont give. But you can use these type of circumstances and how he handles them in the long term to decide whether or not he is the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with and if you can or can not deal with these situations.

good luck,

Bev

OP, I hope you didn't perceive me as being rude. I wasn't trying to be. I think you have valid concerns. I just don't know if right now is the best time to get in the middle of it.

I DO see both sides. I was not trying to be but if you perceived my posts to be unnecessarily hostile, I do apologize. Sometimes tough (sister) love doesn't come across well on the internet. I agree with Bev, that you should voice your opinion if asked but keep hush hushy if you aren't asked. At such a time when he mentions or it becomes pertinent that you co-mingle your funds, then I would bring that up to him.

In fact, I MAY bring that up to him now but I'd be VERY careful how I prefaced my concern.

I might say something like this.

Babe, I was thinking about our future together and I don't want to freak you out since we are a fairly new couple but I was observing the way you and your wife rear your child. I think it's admirable that you have such a close relationship and work well with her mother and I think you are a great father for wanting to do so much for your daughter. I admire that so much about you and she's lucky to have you for a dad.

However, I was thinking about if I had a child of my own one day. And I don't mean to impose an unsolicited opinion on you but I don't know how I would feel about purchasing such expensive gifts for a child that age. I was once a girl her age and I wasn't quite able to appreciate something like that back then. What is your thought process do you consider when deciding what to buy for a child. I am just curious since I do not have any of my own.

I don't know if that is helpful but I tried to make it neutral and a good opening for a conversation. His response to that could spawn further conversation about it and make things come out a bit easier. Sometimes you gotta marinate them in sweet nothings before you cook 'em.

 

[gone_fishing]

I said wife. I already told OP that I believed she should stay out of it, especially due to her "girlfriend" status. The conversation evolved to discussing spouses, and that's what I was talking about. I agree with you wholeheartedly about the girlfriend thing. Wife is an altogether different thing, IMHO.

Thanks for clarifying. Sometimes my fingers get on auto pilot.

 

[Pat Mahurr]

We've been officially dating for 4 but we'd been talking 3 months before.

This is the second incident. I really would not like to get into the first one. I'd like to keep that private. He acknowleged he was wrong in that situation so that's water under the bridge.

Lveurslf, w/o saying too much, I want to say I've been in your shoes. I'm my husband's second wife, and he has kids by his first. When I met him, I was single, no kids. And I disagreed (back then and still now) with how he and his ex were raising their kids. I never intervened -- those were their kids. He and I talked about that, and we agreed that if we were to get married, we would raise our kids much differently. I was comforted by that conversation, but I had something nagging thoughts and questions in the back of my mind about his ex in general. I chose to ignore the caution flag my mind was raising, and proceed with the relationship. We've been married 5 years now and have our own DD, whom we are raising the way we agreed. However, I really should have paid attention to the caution flags. I could have saved myself much heartache, must adjustment, and many tears, if I had listened to my heart from the start. I encourage you to trust your instincts, listen to your own heart concerning your relationship. Remember not to cheat yourself out of happiness you deserve, but also know that it can come in ways you don't expect. I know I'm writing this rather cryptically, but PM me if you want to talk.

 

[lveurslf]

OP, I hope you didn't perceive me as being rude. I wasn't trying to be. I think you have valid concerns. I just don't know if right now is the best time to get in the middle of it.

I DO see both sides. I was not trying to be but if you perceived my posts to be unnecessarily hostile, I do apologize. Sometimes tough (sister) love doesn't come across well on the internet. I agree with Bev, that you should voice your opinion if asked but keep hush hushy if you aren't asked. At such a time when he mentions or it becomes pertinent that you co-mingle your funds, then I would bring that up to him.

In fact, I MAY bring that up to him now but I'd be VERY careful how I prefaced my concern.

I might say something like this.



I don't know if that is helpful but I tried to make it neutral and a good opening for a conversation. His response to that could spawn further conversation about it and make things come out a bit easier. Sometimes you gotta marinate them in sweet nothings before you cook 'em.

I can feel the I appreciate you and everyone for caring enough to give their advice because it helps me to question my motives, how I truly feel, and do what I think is best.

 

[PrincessScorpion]

What SummerRain, Adequate, Spelmanlocks, and Kawaii1 said was some very good stuff in this situation. Now here is my 2 cents on it if you love this man and want to be with him long term I would not cross this line unless asked for your opinion period. Because once you cross that line without being asked it will be NO going back and could possilbly change your relationship forever.

I do not ask my son's father or anyone else for that matter to help pay for a $$$ gift for my son. My boyfriend and friends do it without me asking. I wish my son's step monster would say something to me about what we have choosen to do for our son. She has learned from a previous comments to me when I had to tell her I did not sleep with her and she is not my son's parent. She can say all she wants to him but she does not need to say jack to me period and I hung up the phone.

When my father was still living I had him wrapped so far around my finger it was not even funny. So I was no different than this little girl.

Just be glad he is the man that he is because he could be a dead beat father and have more drama than a little bit with the child's mother. So just count your blessings and think about wheather or not you want to deal with this on going.

 

[The Girl]

A couple posts were a bit hurtful....

I don't think some biological moms could understand how hard it is for a single woman who doesn't have kids to suddenly adjust to a lifestyle completely different from what she knows.There ain't no 9 months for us to get menatlly, emotionally and spiritually prepared for a child. We come into a situation where we have to sink or swim. I know that everyday I'm with him that's MY CHOICE to be in this and obviously I'm here for a good reason. I love my man enough to make it work. I am well aware that making it work includes having a good relationship with all of his family, BM included. I'm just asking if I'm being petty because I have never experienced this situation before and I was confused with how to deal with it. I'm just trying to make some sense of my feelings. I'm not ashamed of them nor will I let another woman who doesn't really know me or my situation tell me I'm wrong for my feelings. I know I ain't perfect and I will make some mistakes in this relationship and he will too. Just b/c you're a parent don't mean you know everything about being one.


I'm not jealous nor do I want to control my man's life. I do not intend to do that. I want what's best for him, his ex, and his kid. I don't think we would have been together long enough for me to meet his kid if he felt I was that kind of woman. We even talked about my place in his life for a couple of months before I met his little girl so he had plenty of time to make sure this was a step he wanted to take.

This is not about the money. Yes I brought it up but only to paint a picture of the situation.Of course he is going to do anything for his daughter, That's what a good father would do but do I agree with overindulging in children? no, and I have enough sense to know it's not my place to say something about until we start talking about making our own family. That's not the issue though, If BM came and asked for money for a silly reason, I take issue because I don't want to see my man being taken advantage of. I don't care if it was his BM or his best friend, don't be trying to take advantage just because you know you can.

This has nothing to do with his daughter, to me it's deeper than that. Just because a woman has a child with a man doesn't give her free reign over his life or his money (that is saying something about him, which once again, I do partly blame him for that). If he chooses to spend his life with me, her relationship should not trump me, it should include me. I think that would be selfish of her and disrepectful to him and me if she kept coming to him asking for money that she doesn't need. No matter how many kids ya'll got, you still an ex and there needs to be boundaries that reflect that.

Sigh...ok as a co parent myself lemme chime in. I do sense a bit of resentment in this statement. I do understand having been on both sides of the fence before. HOWEVER, you say it as though the BM owes you anything. NOt being nasty but she doesn't. No, she is not being disrespectful to you. Have you looked at it from the childs perspective, maybe she feels you are disrespecting her and her fathers relationship, which will be around even if you aren't. The BM will as well. She is in a very different position than you will ever be. No she is not entitled to anything from him and be glad that isn't the complaint b/c it sounds like it could be if BM was that type(thankfully she isn't). Smartypants summed it up very succintly. You ma'am have a decision to make. BTW were you saying 4 months and knowing for 3, as in a total of 7 months? No sarcasm intended at all just clarifying.

 

[lveurslf]

It's been a total of 7 months and no, I'm not resentful.

 

[jturner7156]

Lvurself, I feel you should look at it like this. Since daddy is buying his daughter nice things at least she doesn't have to look for other men to do it. Shoot, I wish my daddy would have bought me nice things b/c I probably wouldn't have dealt with these so-called "ballers" that I called myself dealing with!

 

[lexi08]

Lvurself, I feel you should look at it like this. Since daddy is buying his daughter nice things at least she doesn't have to look for other men to do it. Shoot, I wish my daddy would have bought me nice things b/c I probably wouldn't have dealt with these so-called "ballers" that I called myself dealing with!

This is not always the case sometimes this backfires when daddy constantly buys his daughter expensive gifts they sometimes continue to expect this through adulthood. This pushes some woman do only date "ballers" because the regular guys can't afford them. Also, sometimes daddy has to pay his daughter's bills well into adulthood because his daughter can't afford to buy these expensive things and take care of adult responsibilities on her regular salary.... Just food for thought, I have seen way too many scenarios where some of these spoiled girls can't/won't take care of themselves because they expect daddy to pay for everything. There are fathers that enable this type of behavior...

Honestly I see why the OP is concerned, but in her position I would not say anything just yet.

 

[lveurslf]

This is not always the case sometimes this backfires when daddy constantly buys his daughter expensive gifts they sometimes continue to expect this through adulthood. This pushes some woman do only date "ballers" because the regular guys can't afford them. Also, sometimes daddy has to pay his daughter's bills well into adulthood because his daughter can't afford to buy these expensive things and take care of adult responsibilities on her regular salary.... Just food for thought, I have seen way too many scenarios where some of these spoiled girls can't/won't take care of themselves because they expect daddy to pay for everything. There are fathers that enable this type of behavior...


Honestly I see why the OP is concerned, but in her position I would not say anything just yet.

A little off topic: I'm glad you brought that point up because I thought about that. I kinda see itty bitty signs of that becoming a problem now. I'm not ready to talk to him about that yet if ever. Those seeds have already been planted so it might be too late. That's a whole other thread in itself.

 

[jturner7156]

This is not always the case sometimes this backfires when daddy constantly buys his daughter expensive gifts they sometimes continue to expect this through adulthood. This pushes some woman do only date "ballers" because the regular guys can't afford them. Also, sometimes daddy has to pay his daughter's bills well into adulthood because his daughter can't afford to buy these expensive things and take care of adult responsibilities on her regular salary.... Just food for thought, I have seen way too many scenarios where some of these spoiled girls can't/won't take care of themselves because they expect daddy to pay for everything. There are fathers that enable this type of behavior...

Honestly I see why the OP is concerned, but in her position I would not say anything just yet.

Unfortunately...you are right as well, this behavior could lead to dependency! Also, the money that is being spent would look so much better in stocks, bonds or a high yield savings account!

 

[lexi08]

Unfortunately...you are right as well, this behavior could leave to dependency! Also, the money that is being spent would look so much better in stocks, bonds or a high yield savings account!

Yep, dependency and a misplaced since of entitlement. I have seen a few women get really messed up like this. The real world can be a rude awakening for some.

While I do believe that you should provide your child with nice things (if affordable) you have to set boundaries.

Back to the OP's topic
I am a mother and I have never asked my ex-husband to give me money for expensive gifts that I could not afford to buy for my child.

 

[Much2much41]

Sigh...ok as a co parent myself lemme chime in. I do sense a bit of resentment in this statement. I do understand having been on both sides of the fence before. HOWEVER, you say it as though the BM owes you anything. NOt being nasty but she doesn't. No, she is not being disrespectful to you. Have you looked at it from the childs perspective, maybe she feels you are disrespecting her and her fathers relationship, which will be around even if you aren't. The BM will as well. She is in a very different position than you will ever be. No she is not entitled to anything from him and be glad that isn't the complaint b/c it sounds like it could be if BM was that type(thankfully she isn't). Smartypants summed it up very succintly. You ma'am have a decision to make. BTW were you saying 4 months and knowing for 3, as in a total of 7 months? No sarcasm intended at all just clarifying.

This might be true, but I can't totally agree with the bolded in all cases. Sometimes it becomes a "no shame" situation. She can just ask and ask and ask, and believe she's entitled because she has the title of "mother". I have a friend who had pretty much the same issue as OP, but in her case, she was engaged to the guy, and the child's mother was asking him for money to fix her car, personal computer, entertainment, etc, when the guy was paying his child support ($1,000/month at last count), and in addition, w/o the court asking, paid for private school tuition, toys, clothes, shoes, after school care, and had the little girl every weekend. Where does it end??? He's your child's father, but he's someone ELSE's man. Hello???? erplexed

 

[Summer_Rain]

This might be true, but I can't totally agree with the bolded in all cases. Sometimes it becomes a "no shame" situation. She can just ask and ask and ask, and believe she's entitled because she has the title of "mother". I have a friend who had pretty much the same issue as OP, but in her case, she was engaged to the guy, and the child's mother was asking him for money to fix her car, personal computer, entertainment, etc, when the guy was paying his child support ($1,000/month at last count), and in addition, w/o the court asking, paid for private school tuition, toys, clothes, shoes, after school care, and had the little girl every weekend. Where does it end??? He's your child's father, but he's someone ELSE's man. Hello???? erplexed

See now boundaries and lines are crossed when shes looking for money for her own self. I know there was an instance where my sons father asked to borrow money from me, but there was a clear plan to repay - and it was an emergency situation.

But money to go to the club...

 

[gone_fishing]

I think asking for money for the child is very different than asking for money for one's self. Does she do that? Does she ask for money for her self?

 

[The Girl]

This might be true, but I can't totally agree with the bolded in all cases. Sometimes it becomes a "no shame" situation. She can just ask and ask and ask, and believe she's entitled because she has the title of "mother". I have a friend who had pretty much the same issue as OP, but in her case, she was engaged to the guy, and the child's mother was asking him for money to fix her car, personal computer, entertainment, etc, when the guy was paying his child support ($1,000/month at last count), and in addition, w/o the court asking, paid for private school tuition, toys, clothes, shoes, after school care, and had the little girl every weekend. Where does it end??? He's your child's father, but he's someone ELSE's man. Hello???? erplexed

yes I agree he is someone else's man and not the BM's. I do think think we should remember a few things:

1. He was her FATHER before he was anybody's man and will be if things end with the gf too.
2. He has the option to say NO whether BM asks or not.
3. It is not easy being a stepmother, been there not fun at all. Your feelings will often come last AFTER the childs, then his feelings.
4. We don't know that HE has an issue with it either. HE may be just fine with the situation, which may be a whole 'nother discussion.
5. BM is not asking for her but for the child they share together.
6. When did trying to get what you want from a situation become disrespectful? I thought the attitude to have was; "the worse that can happen is you get a no?"

 

[donna894]

A couple posts were a bit hurtful....

I don't think some biological moms could understand how hard it is for a single woman who doesn't have kids to suddenly adjust to a lifestyle completely different from what she knows.There ain't no 9 months for us to get menatlly, emotionally and spiritually prepared for a child. We come into a situation where we have to sink or swim. I know that everyday I'm with him that's MY CHOICE to be in this and obviously I'm here for a good reason. I love my man enough to make it work. I am well aware that making it work includes having a good relationship with all of his family, BM included. I'm just asking if I'm being petty because I have never experienced this situation before and I was confused with how to deal with it. I'm just trying to make some sense of my feelings. I'm not ashamed of them nor will I let another woman who doesn't really know me or my situation tell me I'm wrong for my feelings. I know I ain't perfect and I will make some mistakes in this relationship and he will too. Just b/c you're a parent don't mean you know everything about being one.


I'm not jealous nor do I want to control my man's life. I do not intend to do that. I want what's best for him, his ex, and his kid. I don't think we would have been together long enough for me to meet his kid if he felt I was that kind of woman. We even talked about my place in his life for a couple of months before I met his little girl so he had plenty of time to make sure this was a step he wanted to take.

This is not about the money. Yes I brought it up but only to paint a picture of the situation.Of course he is going to do anything for his daughter, That's what a good father would do but do I agree with overindulging in children? no, and I have enough sense to know it's not my place to say something about until we start talking about making our own family. That's not the issue though, If BM came and asked for money for a silly reason, I take issue because don't want to see my man being taken advantage of. I don't care if it was his BM or his best friend, don't be trying to take advantage just because you know you can.

This has nothing to do with his daughter, to me it's deeper than that. Just because a woman has a child with a man doesn't give her free reign over his life or his money (that is saying something about him, which once again, I do partly blame him for that). If he chooses to spend his life with me, her relationship should not trump me, it should include me. I think that would be selfish of her and disrepectful to him and me if she kept coming to him asking for money that she doesn't need. No matter how many kids ya'll got, you still an ex and there needs to be boundaries that reflect that.

My sincerest apologies if my post hurt your feelings. That was not my intent. These are your feelings and you have a right to feel what you feel. I hope that your relationship with your SO can co-exist along with his pre-existing family.

I understand you don't want your SO to be taken advantage of, but he's a man - not a boy. It is his responsibility to make sure that doesn't happen. For 12 years, he has been raising his daughter. It seems strange that he suddenly needs you or anyone else to make sure he's not being taken advantage of. Have you noticed things about him that indicate that he can't speak up for himself and handle his own business? And BTW, fighting his battles won't work. He'll wind up caught in the middle of an extremely uncomfortable situation between you and his ex. And he'll looking for the nearest exit. And you will look like the villain with folks talking about how fine everything was before you came along. I've been there, done that and it wasn't worth it.

I don't think his child's mother is trying to run his life by asking for things for his child because she is ASKING. And if he can't do it or doesn't think its a good idea, he should be able to say NO. It's just that simple. And she would only have free reign over his money if he gives it to her. Is he doing that?

I could be wrong but you seem concerned about your man's ability to stand up for himself. If he can't stand up for himself at this stage in his life, that's not going to change. Maybe that's the real problem...

 

[Much2much41]

yes I agree he is someone else's man and not the BM's. I do think think we should remember a few things:

1. He was her FATHER before he was anybody's man and will be if things end with the gf too.
2. He has the option to say NO whether BM asks or not.
3. It is not easy being a stepmother, been there not fun at all. Your feelings will often come last AFTER the childs, then his feelings.
4. We don't know that HE has an issue with it either. HE may be just fine with the situation, which may be a whole 'nother discussion.
5. BM is not asking for her but for the child they share together.
6. When did trying to get what you want from a situation become disrespectful? I thought the attitude to have was; "the worse that can happen is you get a no?"

I'm not referring to the OP in the case. I've gone beyond the scope of the OP's original topic and am talking about Baby Mama's that "abuse" their title. There are some scandalous women out there that think they have earned wife treatment for birthing a child. NO, you're the child's mother, and the wife is the wife. Some of them don't know the difference, don't care to know, and will show their @$$ if they get called out on it. Just because a man is okay with it doesn't make it right for the household. That's what I'm referring to. Sorry if I didn't clarify originally.

 

[The Girl]

I'm not referring to the OP in the case. I've gone beyond the scope of the OP's original topic and am talking about Baby Mama's that "abuse" their title. There are some scandalous women out there that think they have earned wife treatment for birthing a child. NO, you're the child's mother, and the wife is the wife. Some of them don't know the difference, don't care to know, and will show their @$$ if they get called out on it. Just because a man is okay with it doesn't make it right for the household. That's what I'm referring to. Sorry if I didn't clarify originally.

Oh woops my bad but I still stand with the assertion that if HE is cool with it then its an issue with wife and dad, not the BM. IMO, having been on both sides...the child is really all that matters.

 

[lveurslf]

My sincerest apologies if my post hurt your feelings. That was not my intent. These are your feelings and you have a right to feel what you feel. I hope that your relationship with your SO can co-exist along with his pre-existing family.

I understand you don't want your SO to be taken advantage of, but he's a man - not a boy. It is his responsibility to make sure that doesn't happen. For 12 years, he has been raising his daughter. It seems strange that he suddenly needs you or anyone else to make sure he's not being taken advantage of. Have you noticed things about him that indicate that he can't speak up for himself and handle his own business? And BTW, fighting his battles won't work. He'll wind up caught in the middle of an extremely uncomfortable situation between you and his ex. And he'll looking for the nearest exit. And you will look like the villain with folks talking about how fine everything was before you came along. I've been there, done that and it wasn't worth it.

I don't think his child's mother is trying to run his life by asking for things for his child because she is ASKING. And if he can't do it or doesn't think its a good idea, he should be able to say NO. It's just that simple. And she would only have free reign over his money if he gives it to her. Is he doing that?

I could be wrong but you seem concerned about your man's ability to stand up for himself. If he can't stand up for himself at this stage in his life, that's not going to change. Maybe that's the real problem...

I agree with what you've said in the bolded area 100%. But look at it like this, if your man has some bad habit and it's been going on for so long that he doesn't even know how he is contributing this bad habit, would you not want to help him? Sometimes we are not conscious of every descision we make.To him it may not be a big deal but from my standpoint(from what he has told me), he doesn't see how he is enabling her. I just want him to be aware of what he is doing. If he wants to change great and if not THEN that's when I know what I'm up against and I ask myself if it's something I can deal with. There's no need to argue or fight about it. I know at any point I can simply walk away if I see it turns out to be that serious to me. I wouldn't fight him or create a hostile living situation for him and his ex over it.

 

[blaqueskimo]

Yes I think you’re petty and way out of line.

I also don’t agree with how these two are raising their kid, because I believe that no child who can’t figure out how to earn $300 should have a purse, video game, shoes, or other frivolity worth $300. But that's just me...

If I were dating a man who thought it was ok to buy a child something that expensive I’d take it as a clue as to what kind of parent he is. And weigh that vs the kind of co-parent I’d want to raise MY child(ren) with.

Their situation is totally typical and normal in today’s society. Parent’s are seperated and both are over-compensating for the emotional damage their child is dealing with because of their decisions. “I feel guilty baby… here’s a Coach bag!”

It comes with the territory and if you can’t acknowledge it SILENTLY then you need not to be with a man who operates in this fashion. It is not about having your voice heard. In terms of his relationship with his child and that child’s mother – you are irrelevant. And you will remain irrelevant even if you marry him. His relationship with her and her mother came WAY before you were on scene.

If you want this man, deal with the way things are. That his and his ex’s parenting style doesn’t mesh with yours. That if you have children with him, there’s going to be conflict because he’s probably going to be ok with buying expensive things for that daughter and not so much for the kids he has with you BECAUSE those are the parenting dynamics you two have created. That your kids might look at their older-half sister with resentment because she has every new and shiny thing…. And at the same time that older half-sister is going to look at your kids with resentment because her daddy went off and re-created the Cleavers while she’s demoted to being a visitor in his home.

It is textbook. Deal with it or move on.

You have to cut the “..but if it were me…” BS. It is not you. It is not your child. Won’t ever be. However if you marry him, and have children with him… well, it STILL won’t be you. She and He are always going to have a different way of raising their daughter vs You and He with yours. Conflicts pending? Bet on it.

Your role right now is simple observance. You keep your mouth shut. You have no right or reason to comment at all on his decisions about his child. All you can (and SHOULD!) do is learn about him, his decisions, his parenting process and ESPECIALLY his coping skills. If the results of your observations don’t mesh with what you think should happen then you have a hard decision to make.

But please God save yourself, him, his ex, his current child and especially any future children you think you might have from the grief of proceeding in a relationship with a person who you aren't “equally yoked” with. Doing otherwise is just a precursor to another post where the next someone has cast YOU in the role of “Baby Mama.”

Your ENTIRE post was on point! I'm SO glad you addressed the fact that even IF they got married THAT relationship still wouldn't be any of her business. These people almost have their child raised to their liking and that's all that matters. I think too many women think that ......oh when WE get married this and that is going to change.The reality is it usually doesn't because if these men didn't want to do these things for their children they wouldn't? The end result for the next woman is an unhappy home.

Regardless of what he may tell YOU,has it occured to you that it may make him feel good to be ABLE to provide these material things for his child?

 

[InsertCleverNameHere]

I don't know why anybody is upset at the mother for asking. Hellllooooo! Does he not have the balls the good Lord gave him?

Men don't generally do anything they don't want to do, especially when not made to by force or law. Methinks he wants to, and if he doesn't he's nutless.

 

[blaqueskimo]

Has it snowballed yet? What boundaries do you feel she crosses now?

I'd like to know because from all the posts you've done so far it hasn't. Your initial post was about her birthday, then you later shared her x-mas list. which fyi ALL kids have lists like that, a ton of stuff they KNOW they aren't going to get anyways! Hell as children the majority of us have given those to our parents and we were still happy to get 1or 2 things off the list! Those are ocassions .

Later you said he has told you "about " her . Please keep in mind there are 3 sides to every story,his,hers and the truth and quite frankly after only 7 months ( may seem long but it REALLY isn't ) you don't know 1/3 the dynamics and history of their past relationship.

 

[blaqueskimo]

I don't know why anybody is upset at the mother for asking. Hellllooooo! Does he not have the balls the good Lord gave him?

Men don't generally do anything they don't want to do, especially when not made to by force or law. Methinks he wants to, and if he doesn't he's nutless.

LMAO! I agrree!

 

[vaqtea]

I may be late but I just had to ask ....

When is a girlfriend supposed to say what she doesnt agree with when it comes to x-wixes, babymamma's, and kids?

When they are walking down the isle, at the wedding, after the honeymoon? I think the OP is doing exactly what should be done,
evaluating the situation and coming to some type of conclusion on this.

If it was reversed and she came here after she was married and complaining about this situation folks would be telling her "girl, you
should have nipped that in the bud while you were dating" etc.

 

[Nola Darling]

I know this is random but a Coach bag??? I hope it's the leather version sans the C logos because If I'm going to spend 300 on a bag it's going to be something nicer than a Coach. Better yet, the Coach outlets have the same bags for 1/3 the price. *Resentfully staring @ leather Coach bags purchased with fresh out of college pay checks*

Maybe he should open up a savings account and teach her some financial lessons....or better yet, teach the girl how to pick a tasteful bag.