Baby Mama ?

[spelmanlocks]

7 months is defintely not a long time, but its 7 months out of your life that you can't get back, may as well find out the deal now since it obviously bothers you. Don't say you don't agree, just ask questions to figure out his arrangement and parenting style. Or maybe ask him in a playful manner if you think it might be too out of place. Once you figure out what his deal is then you can go from there.

 

[audacious1]

I may be late but I just had to ask ....

When is a girlfriend supposed to say what she doesnt agree with when it comes to x-wixes, babymamma's, and kids?

When they are walking down the isle, at the wedding, after the honeymoon? I think the OP is doing exactly what should be done,
evaluating the situation and coming to some type of conclusion on this.

If it was reversed and she came here after she was married and complaining about this situation folks would be telling her "girl, you
should have nipped that in the bud while you were dating" etc.

The bolded is very very true.

And you ask very good questions.

 

[SilentRuby]

ITA 1000000000%

A FATHER IS A GIRLS FIRST EXPERIENCE IN HOW A MAN SHOULD TREAT A WOMAN IN A RELATIONSHIP. A FATHER IS LIKE HER FIRST BOYFRIEND (IF YOU WILL). ALLOW THAT MAN TO ESTABLISH STANDARDS IN HIS DAUGHTERS LIFE, AS A FATHER SHOULD.

It sounds like he's got enough money to go around, so just fall back - lil girl ain't dipping into your christmas or valentines day gift fund apparently - so don't even sweat it. For real.

So very true!!! Great point!

 

[14got]

find a man with no kids
PERIOD

 

[STLCoverGirl]

find a man with no kids
PERIOD

This is my motto, lol.

 

[14got]

This is my motto, lol.

O-kay!
the only kids my Dh has is mine
it's not impossible

 

[winterinatl]

I agree, Kei.

This is about feeling important. It's self torture. As long as you are with him you are going to have something thrown into your face that will make you feel less important than someone else, and you are going to do things to try to assert your "importance" in your man's life; all of this spells DRAMA.

The fact that you want him to hear your concerns about how he is spending money on the child, says you don't feel important if he doesn't listen. You don't feel important if BM can just up and ask for money and get it. I feel you. I wouldn't' feel important either and I can't accept how that feels on a day to day basis. Some women can, not me.

This isn't about money it's about you and BM silently fighting over who is most important.

You should pick a man without a child. It's heartbreaking to get attached to a man's child and then separate, trust me!

 

[donna894]

I agree with what you've said in the bolded area 100%. But look at it like this, if your man has some bad habit and it's been going on for so long that he doesn't even know how he is contributing this bad habit, would you not want to help him? Sometimes we are not conscious of every descision we make.To him it may not be a big deal but from my standpoint(from what he has told me), he doesn't see how he is enabling her. I just want him to be aware of what he is doing. If he wants to change great and if not THEN that's when I know what I'm up against and I ask myself if it's something I can deal with. There's no need to argue or fight about it. I know at any point I can simply walk away if I see it turns out to be that serious to me. I wouldn't fight him or create a hostile living situation for him and his ex over it.

Oh boy.. I see what you're getting at. Been there, done that and wouldn't waste my time and energy doing it again! What you see as "bad habits" is more than likely his personality, which is going to be very hard, if not impossible to change. (and bare in mind, its your opinion that a particular behavior is a bad habit - others may not feel that way).

You say you want him to be aware of what he is doing. Is he some sort of moron? Doesn't he know what he's doing? I think what you really mean is that you want him to see the situation through your eyes, to see it as you do. That's going to be difficult. You and he are looking at things from different perspectives. You are new to his life and have no emotional ties to his daughter. Therefore you can look at the situation from a detached perspective. He can't do that because he has been her father for 12 years, loves her, bonded with her a long time ago and family patterns and ways of doing things are already in place. Also, I want to point out that if there is a sudden change in the family dynamic, it could negatively affect the child.

You want him to be aware. Actually I think you need to be aware: he is a grown man. He is who he is. His personality is pretty much set. He may change some but not much. I get the feeling you think he's somewhat passive and incapable, ie., that he's being taken advantage of, that you don't want anyone leaching off him, that he's not aware of what's going on around him, etc. It sounds like you don't think he can handle his business (or maybe handle it the way you would want it handled). It may be that it makes him feel good that he can provide expensive things for his daughter, or he may choose his battles. Some people like to go along so that they can get along. Either way he's showing who he is. It's up to you whether you can deal with him or not.

 

[Cincysweetie]

Lveurself, I'm sorry but I'm not in agreement with you on this. First, you are just the gf so you really don't have a place to speak on the matter. I wouldn't advise you to speak up at this point.

I think the bigger issue is if HE has a problem with spending the money on the gift. If he does, be supportive of him and support whatever decision he makes. It's not your place to talk him out of the purchase. He's a grown *** man with his OWN money...and I'm assuming he's been dealing with her, the baby momma and birthdays and holidays for years now. He should know how to handle it.

If and when you all do combine finances, DO NOT try to come in between him and the child and how he cares for the child. If it's that big of an issue, you should keep finances seperate. From personal experience, this can get very tricky and rough and depending on you all's relationship and the type of man he is...he might tell you to hit the road. Not to be hard on you, but IMO, you need to just look the other way.

 

[WhipEffectz1]

find a man with no kids
PERIOD

Please do or find one with kid(s) that fits your tastes. If you can't stand the heat then get out the kitchen. If you elect to stay in this relationship then think about what it will be like when yall are married and share income. Its good that you you're asking questions now instead of crying later. There's still a couple men left without kids and if you can't find any black men without them then look to the hills!

***Runs out of thread!***

 

[Summer_Rain]

I have a child, but my SO doesn't - neither did the 3 that I dated before him. And uhhh....I don't date white guys (runs behind Whipz). So single, childless, college educated black men are DEFINITELY out there.

If this was *just* an issue about what you deem to be frivilous spending on a teenage child, that would be one thing. But I agree with Winter, it seems like you are also battling for dominance whether you realize it or not.

I was talking to a guy, he was 38yrs old, divorced with 2 children whos lives he is extremely involved in. When he relocated to the area he's in, his ex-wife did as well. When she had a job opportunity in another state - he was prepared to pick up and move as well. He and his ex-wife had been divorced for roughly 6 yrs at that time, from both sides, the love was gone, and they were both persuing other relationships. But the mutual dedication they had to their children was so strong, that they'd do just about anything.

It was weird as all hell, but those girls flourished because of it. I was assured of one thing, if ever he and I married and had children, he'd do the same for them.

That situation would clearly not work for everyone, but I'm all for allowing co-parents to arrive at the best set of conditions for them and their child(ren)

As someone stated earlier - as a nation we lead the pack in the divorce rate, as a community we top the charts in single parent homes . . . it's so important to pick our battles wisely when it comes to things like this.

 

[14got]

That's beautiful Summerrain
I wish more people would put their children

I don't feel like someone MONTHS into a relationship has a right to interject in a 12 YEAR relationship
Girlfriends come and go
but the CHILDREN will be there until death

my son is 6 and he has all the perks that I have
he has a tv, dvd, tivo, pc, laptop AND a xbox 360
my DH buys him a game every time he gets green (excellent) mark on his folder

if he and I were to split up
he would continue to do it
I have been with him for years and I can't talk him out of it so I don't see how a newbie could


I think people should Know their role
I had an evil step witch
she had something smart to say about EVERYTHING
my daddy would do for me
If I needed something for a play or
what have you and call ask her to tell my daddy
she would say NO he pays child support
you don't need that

you know she wouldn't tell my daddy I called
delete it from the caller ID
she felt like his providing for me was somehow taking something from her

I don't like that
I pity the children surrounded by women like her

 

[Summer_Rain]

That's beautiful Summerrain
I wish more people would put their children

I don't feel like someone MONTHS into a relationship has a right to interject in a 12 YEAR relationship
Girlfriends come and go
but the CHILDREN will be there until death

my son is 6 and he has all the perks that I have
he has a tv, dvd, tivo, pc, laptop AND a xbox 360
my DH buys him a game every time he gets green (excellent) mark on his folder

if he and I were to split up
he would continue to do it
I have been with him for years and I can't talk him out of it so I don't see how a newbie could

I think people should Know their role

exactly exactly exactly

 

[PrincessScorpion]

That's beautiful Summerrain
I wish more people would put their children

I don't feel like someone MONTHS into a relationship has a right to interject in a 12 YEAR relationship
Girlfriends come and go
but the CHILDREN will be there until death

my son is 6 and he has all the perks that I have
he has a tv, dvd, tivo, pc, laptop AND a xbox 360
my DH buys him a game every time he gets green (excellent) mark on his folder

if he and I were to split up
he would continue to do it
I have been with him for years and I can't talk him out of it so I don't see how a newbie could


I think people should Know their role
I had an evil step witch
she had something smart to say about EVERYTHING
my daddy would do for me
If I needed something for a play or
what have you and call ask her to tell my daddy
she would say NO he pays child support
you don't need that

you know she wouldn't tell my daddy I called
delete it from the caller ID
she felt like his providing for me was somehow taking something from her

I don't like that
I pity the children surrounded by women like her

Kei is your step mother and my son's step monster related? Cause is sure sounds like it.

 

[14got]

girl
I will cut a icth behind my kids or my nieces
you know how many sister-in-laws I have had issues with

to this day she will not tell my daddy if I call
soo I don't call

if you looking for Kei I'm not hard to find
then he has the NERVE to act Salty because I never visit
Your wife doesn't want me there
Kissing butt is not in the cards for KEi

 

[Kurlee]

That's beautiful Summerrain
I wish more people would put their children

I don't feel like someone MONTHS into a relationship has a right to interject in a 12 YEAR relationship
Girlfriends come and go
but the CHILDREN will be there until death

my son is 6 and he has all the perks that I have
he has a tv, dvd, tivo, pc, laptop AND a xbox 360
my DH buys him a game every time he gets green (excellent) mark on his folder

if he and I were to split up
he would continue to do it
I have been with him for years and I can't talk him out of it so I don't see how a newbie could


I think people should Know their role
I had an evil step witch
she had something smart to say about EVERYTHING
my daddy would do for me
If I needed something for a play or
what have you and call ask her to tell my daddy
she would say NO he pays child support
you don't need that

you know she wouldn't tell my daddy I called
delete it from the caller ID
she felt like his providing for me was somehow taking something from her

I don't like that
I pity the children surrounded by women like her

Excellent post. I feel a lot of women feel threatened by the mother of the child and try to overcompensate or limit what the father does for his "old" family as a way to prove how dedicated he is to the new family. It sucks

 

[Much2much41]

girl
I will cut a icth behind my kids or my nieces
you know how many sister-in-laws I have had issues with

to this day she will not tell my daddy if I call
soo I don't call

if you looking for Kei I'm not hard to find
then he has the NERVE to act Salty because I never visit
Your wife doesn't want me there
Kissing butt is not in the cards for KEi

In all fairness to your dad, if she's keeping the calls from him, I can understand him being hurt that you don't visit. That's no contact (at least as far as he knows), either on the phone or in person. He thinks you don't care at all, but in reality, you've been trying, and she's kept it from him all these years. Did you ever tell him what she was doing? Did you try calling him at work (if he worked back then or works now)? I think I would have started getting creative once I figured out what she was doing, like buying a separate cell phone to reach him that she doesn't know about, or setting up a PO Box so he can get mail from you. Don't let her continue to come between you. I don't know to what extent HE tried to keep a relationship going, but I wouldn't let HER be the determining factor of whether or not there is one. JMHO

 

[14got]

you're right
I never try very hard

 

[InsertCleverNameHere]

Excellent post. I feel a lot of women feel threatened by the mother of the child and try to overcompensate or limit what the father does for his "old" family as a way to prove how dedicated he is to the new family. It sucks

Yes, this happens all the time, my stepmother tried to limit my father's involvement because she was insecure. I just can't agree with him limiting the amount of money he is spending on his child just because she says so. If he feels he is paying too much, that is one thing, and I'm sure this grown man can handle it. But hells no should the girlfriend be the reason he limits the cash flow.

 

[Much2much41]

you're right
I never try very hard

Then she wins, dear. Why would you want that? Do you really want your dad to leave this earth not knowing you loved him all these years? If you think it would help, I would let him know that you called many times before (if you can remember specific instances, tell him so he knows it's unlikely you made it up), but when he didn't call back, you assumed he didn't want to talk. Let him figure out who the culprit is. If she's as twisted as you say she is, he'll know what the real deal is. It's hard to hide who you really are for too long, and I'm sure he has an idea of what he's dealing with. Going forward, I would find out when he's going to be home, and schedule calls for when you know he's going to be there so she can't intercept. Then let her sit there and wallow in her own funky misery, the stankin ITCHB!!

 

[14got]

you're right
I know
I need to let it GO
he's just so extra
you came down didn't come see me
you ain't tell me you were sick
you didn't bring the kids over
I always tell him I10 runs both ways


she is probably the meanest ugliest ( inside and out)person I know
But she SEEMS to like my kids
she WILL tell him the kids called
I think I will dial and hand the phone to one of the baybays

 

[STLCoverGirl]

That's beautiful Summerrain
I wish more people would put their children

I don't feel like someone MONTHS into a relationship has a right to interject in a 12 YEAR relationship
Girlfriends come and go
but the CHILDREN will be there until death

my son is 6 and he has all the perks that I have
he has a tv, dvd, tivo, pc, laptop AND a xbox 360
my DH buys him a game every time he gets green (excellent) mark on his folder

if he and I were to split up
he would continue to do it
I have been with him for years and I can't talk him out of it so I don't see how a newbie could


I think people should Know their role
I had an evil step witch
she had something smart to say about EVERYTHING
my daddy would do for me
If I needed something for a play or
what have you and call ask her to tell my daddy
she would say NO he pays child support
you don't need that

you know she wouldn't tell my daddy I called
delete it from the caller ID
she felt like his providing for me was somehow taking something from her

I don't like that
I pity the children surrounded by women like her

Kei, your evil step witch sounds like my ex-evil step witch, lol. She married my dad when I was 14 and she hated me with a passion.

She was jealous of the relationship my dad and I had. Anytime my dad and I spent time together she would try to tag along. We went on a college tour in DC while visiting family. She actually cried when my dad and I left her with family while we went to Howard University.

Thankfully she is no longer married to my father, I just don't understand how a grown woman can be jealous of a child. It is soo petty, wives can come and go, but children are forever.

 

[SmartyPants]

My cousin and her ex divorced when the baby was two. He shacked up with another woman (he finally married her about three years ago when their child together was 12). One time baby cousin called her father to tell him her bike had a flat and ask him to come fix it. The witch had called the phone company and had my cousin's phone number blocked because she didn't want baby cousin calling her house. ALL. HELL. BROKE. LOOSE. My cousin called her ex-MIL. Her ex was at her house picking up the bicycle within a half hour and the phone # was unblocked the next day.

Those GF's trip sometimes!

 

[jturner7156]

Yeah, I had an evil step mother as well. She would act like she wanted my sister and I to come and stay with them (obviously for child support reasons) but when we did, she would complain and lie to my dad constantly. So my dad, being the good HUSBAND that he is, took her side so we had to go. She was and still is jealous of my sister and I. This is the email she sent my sister since we told my dad we weren't dealin wit her....

"ROFL now who has the last laugh. I can't figure you out you want a relationship but on your terms. Ladies life is just to short to be going through all the drama. When you grow up holler back, hopefully it want be to late........................"

This is an email from my evil stepmother...EVIL B*****

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

Yeah, I had an evil step mother as well. She would act like she wanted my sister and I to come and stay with them (obviously for child support reasons) but when we did, she would complain and lie to my dad constantly. So my dad, being the good HUSBAND that he is, took her side so we had to go. She was and still is jealous of my sister and I. This is the email she sent my sister since we told my dad we weren't dealin wit her....

"ROFL now who has the last laugh. I can't figure you out you want a relationship but on your terms. Ladies life is just to short to be going through all the drama. When you grow up holler back, hopefully it want be to late........................"

This is an email from my evil stepmother...EVIL B*****

she sounds coo coo for cocoa puffs.

 

[spelmanlocks]

Yeah, I had an evil step mother as well. She would act like she wanted my sister and I to come and stay with them (obviously for child support reasons) but when we did, she would complain and lie to my dad constantly. So my dad, being the good HUSBAND that he is, took her side so we had to go. She was and still is jealous of my sister and I. This is the email she sent my sister since we told my dad we weren't dealin wit her....

"ROFL now who has the last laugh. I can't figure you out you want a relationship but on your terms. Ladies life is just to short to be going through all the drama. When you grow up holler back, hopefully it want be to late........................"

This is an email from my evil stepmother...EVIL B*****

Dang, she sounds hella immature herself. You should send that email to your dad.

 

[InsertCleverNameHere]

Yeah, I had an evil step mother as well. She would act like she wanted my sister and I to come and stay with them (obviously for child support reasons) but when we did, she would complain and lie to my dad constantly. So my dad, being the good HUSBAND that he is, took her side so we had to go. She was and still is jealous of my sister and I. This is the email she sent my sister since we told my dad we weren't dealin wit her....

"ROFL now who has the last laugh. I can't figure you out you want a relationship but on your terms. Ladies life is just to short to be going through all the drama. When you grow up holler back, hopefully it want be to late........................"

This is an email from my evil stepmother...EVIL B*****

Don't fight, don't argue, just beat that b**** with a bottle.

 

[jturner7156]

Dang, she sounds hella immature herself. You should send that email to your dad.

Yeah, I would have but he isn't computer savvy so she would have gotten it first. Plus she blocked both of our email addresses and changed phone numbers so I set up a new account and sent that B**** this....

So you're rolling on the floor laughing, huh? Well, I dont understand what's so funny. Is it that my sister and I probably will never have a relationship with my father or is it b/c my father raised your 4 different kids that have four different fathers. Understand something, my sister & I does not wish anything bad on you, we just dont like you. Why?, because you manipulated our father since day one which has affected our relationship with him. See, he believes that in order for us to have him in our lives, we have to accept your evil ass, so we rather not have him either. Oh and how does it make you feel to know that he's there only b/c of Jan***, how I do know this, well b/c this is what he told my sister and I. Also, he has figured you out but he lets love blind him but we both know you all have an unhappy marriage, so you will never have the last laugh but I do wish you have a wonderful, fairy-tale life...ha ha ha ha!

P.S. You put yourself in this situation when you really didn't have to. My FATHER married you, my sister & I did not!

P.S. S. If he can forget about his own flesh and blood...he can and will forget about you and please don't write back...just take this with a grain of salt!!!!!

 

[mrsmeredith]

Yeah, I would have but he isn't computer savvy so she would have gotten it first. Plus she blocked both of our email addresses and changed phone numbers so I set up a new account and sent that B**** this....

So you're rolling on the floor laughing, huh? Well, I dont understand what's so funny. Is it that my sister and I probably will never have a relationship with my father or is it b/c my father raised your 4 different kids that have four different fathers. Understand something, my sister & I does not wish anything bad on you, we just dont like you. Why?, because you manipulated our father since day one which has affected our relationship with him. See, he believes that in order for us to have him in our lives, we have to accept your evil ass, so we rather not have him either. Oh and how does it make you feel to know that he's there only b/c of Jan***, how I do know this, well b/c this is what he told my sister and I. Also, he has figured you out but he lets love blind him but we both know you all have an unhappy marriage, so you will never have the last laugh but I do wish you have a wonderful, fairy-tale life...ha ha ha ha!

P.S. You put yourself in this situation when you really didn't have to. My FATHER married you, my sister & I did not!

P.S. S. If he can forget about his own flesh and blood...he can and will forget about you and please don't write back...just take this with a grain of salt!!!!!

Nice Nasty.... Gone wit your bad self. Seriously though, I hope she womans up and do the right thing by you guys.

OP- I agree with the posts such as summerain, kei and etc. What they have is a 12yr history and apparently everyone loves the situation. I bet the child is happier and emotionally healthier and thats what all parents desire for their kids. I don't care if I ask my father for the world, he's daddy and I will forever be in his heart but he will do his best to oblige. It really does not come before you. Learn to love the child, live with the mom and be supportive of him.

 

[The Girl]

I don't think I could respect a man that DIDN'T put his child first. I could up and leave/divorce him tomorrow but that is his baby for life. I have a choice to be in his life, your child does not. Don't take me shopping and the baby needs a winter coat or heck you haven't taken them to dinner in 6 months ...maybe b/c I am a mother.