40+, Unmarried And You Want A Baby?

[ArrrBeee]

That was my mistake. I'm in my 30's and I was ingrained that dating multiple men was whorish. I noticed it worked out well for many women ( marriage, kids) . I am a very loyal person and would ride it out until the wheels come off... I would of dated more people who were marriage minded if I had the choice to rewind

Are you married now? If not, you still have time. I used to be loyal to a fault and all it got me was a broken heart.

 

[sweetvi]

Are you married now? If not, you still have time. I used to be loyal to a fault and all it got me was a broken heart.

I'm not and I can't help to feel anxious because I'm less than 5 yrs from the big 4-0. I pray and do other things to give me peace and not stress on it. I even deactivated my social media accounts to avoid feeling triggered by posts of babies and engagements...

 

[CaraWalker]

100 percent not an option for me to ever be in my 40s, wanting and not having a child/marriage yet in a serious relationship with a man that has no intention to give it to me

after 35 i would be trending toward 100% not an option. im not even thirty yet and im already at about 75%. aint no way in hell after 40 im wasting my time not getting what my reward for whatever effort im putting in.

 

[CaraWalker]

If that was said it would make complete sense lol.

If a couple want a baby, but they are not interested in marriage I get that. Brangelinas set up was fine in my book because they were on the same page, I think they were both divorced.

I think when a couple intends to get married at some point, seeing marriage as too much pressure, but having a child not.. IDK. Some divorced people will never feel the same about marriage again, so making promises in advance isn't advised.

@Fine 4s: the OP touched on 3 main topics. Age, motherhood and marriage. You made comments about being fearful having a child with him in case he has less incentive to marry you after. If people some address the marriage topic you can't call "thread gone wild" as it is relevant to the discussion and WWYD. I also remember a post you made about this dudes attitude to marriage and you didn't seem pleased. He has his right to his reservations , but I just hope you're being honest with yourself about what you want.

If you both were A-OK with having a child out wedlock this thread wouldn't be made. You could have just forged on happily with the baby and wait plan. Whether to have baby first, or after marriage depends on a few things for me. How desperately you want a baby was a good question asked. Id only do it if having a baby was really important to me at that time more than anything else, or if I didn't believe in marriage/ truly didn't care.

i dont want to be harsh to the op because i like her as a poster but for quite a long while i have felt she exhibits poor judgment in romantic relationships. i dont follow many of the other threads in this forum very closely, but i got the sense that in the past OP has dated at least 2 other men during my time on the forum, with the same determined mindset despite a lack of enthusiasm and/or outright red flags from her partners. i couldnt tell you any specifics because ive long since forgotten, but that is always the impression ive had, and is usually reinforced when i see a post she makes here.

i aint hopeful so forgive me for not phrasing this in an elegant way but if i had to make a guess it would be that op, you have some issues regarding fully "loving" yourself for want of better phrasing. i think a person's relationship with themself is the most important one they can have, and frankly should take precedence over most of their relationships with other people. some people seem like this is simply not an option as far as being the case for them, and instead they look for outlets to provide the feelings they should be supplying themselves, from other people. i also dont think its really possible to have a truly fulfilling relationship with someone else while this incomplete self/outward ratio exists. like... im not sure i think its valid or acceptable to be a certain age and not know, deep down inside, what side of the fence you fall on for any given issue.

being mindful of the age issue, i do, actually, think its possible to "learn to love yourself" while staying on the hunt for a man that is capable of providing a stable relationship, as long as someone is willing to be honest with themself and really look in the mirror. im a pretty hardcore component of loving yourself flaws and all, so i am wont to think being continually drawn to men that string you along is a symptom of refusing to look at yourself wholly.

*obligatory IM SINGLE DONT TRUST ME

 

[hopeful]

Just want to repeat, this a really good thread. Thanks @Fine 4s. I hope people continue to post and share their insights.

 

[Fine 4s]

Self assessment is the most unreliable type of assessment.

@CaraWalker In the spirit of learning can you tell me how you arrived at the conclusion that I make poor judgments in romance and that I have low self love?

IMO, self esteem and finding a good man have nothing to do with each other. To correlate the women or men who are in "happy" marriages/relationships with their self love (sorry to the unicorns) is not always true. You meet someone who understands your needs and has the ability to work with you and compensates for that 'issue' and the relationship soars. Relationships are based on compensation of some sort. All this other stuff is just noise.
We all learn to LIVE with something....

BTW, this is not to say that self love isn't important but not a requirement.

@hopeful
It would be good to hear other perspectives on this rather common concern of baby before marriage or vice versa (without focusing on me and my relationship so much).
I like the idea of egg freezing. Led me to learn more about embryo freezing as well...

 

[hopeful]

Yes, at this point I don't think this thread is about you personally. It really is a broader thread than that. And I think every one of us is a work in progress. No reason for you or anyone else to over explain themselves IMO. I am hoping that this thread stays on track, uplifting, and continues to supply more golden nuggets.

 

[Browndilocks]

I think you know exactly what you want but for whatever reason you're neither willing to admit or nor be assertively proactive to get it.

I don't know anything about your self esteem or thread history, but Cara does make a valid point. You are in your 40s and said with your own words that your clock is ringing loudly. As in you need action NOW. That indicates urgency so I don't see the benefit of shorting yourself and wasting time to comply with someone who wants to put it off on the back burner. It's not like you're 22 and can give it a few years. Once you hit 40, 2 years can make a huge determination on whether you will ever be able to have a child. Why risk that?

Looks like you just don't want to leave the person with whom you want these things. I get it, but he has made it clear that your priorities are not his. That's within his right but just as well, his issues should not be your issues. Don't set yourself up for regret all in the name of trying to be understanding for someone else.

 

[Fine 4s]

@Browndilocks
Actually when I say my bio clock is ticking, I meant that my window of opportunity is closing and not that I want one. I wonder if that's why people are saying what they are saying?
Everyone's point is valid in this thread, including my own.
What I do know is that I'd prefer to be married BEFORE having a child IF I chose to have one.

 

[giigii613]

If it's not too late, freeze your eggs. I don't know that 40 is a viable age to think about freezing but I've heard a few 30-35 year old discuss freezing their eggs.
A friend of a friend froze her eggs...but later went on to have 2 kids naturally so I doubt they use the frozen eggs. At least you will have the option, should you want biological kids later.

I know a few women who are considering being single moms on purpose. They know they want kids and don't have any husband prospects.

I froze my eggs a few years ago as a result of being in a relationship. I had a real emotional connection with the guy I was dating at the time but our life paths were not ironed out to my liking so every time we talked about marriage and a baby it was something we planned to do after we reached other goals. In my heart I felt like he was the man for me but I did not know what our future would hold as we pursued individual ventures. So, it was in talking and loving him that I decided I should freeze my eggs.

Outside of my best friend and mother I did not talk about what I was doing but got two varying opinions on the matter. My mother was 110% supportive of me getting the procedure done because of my career goals. She told me hey you may be able to have a baby when you are ready if you want one, but having the eggs takes the pressure off of trying to get your love life in order and allows you to focus on what you want right now. If you surpass the time to have a baby naturally, or carry an inseminated one you can have a surrogate and still pass on your bloodline.

My best friend had a different opinion. She is not an advocate of women having children when they are closer or over 40. At the time she suggested that I should shift my focus if a family was something I wanted instead of taking a chance because surrogates and insemination are not guaranteed and I could set up my family and get back to building my career later.

I wasn't about that life so I froze my eggs and as I get older I am happy I did it, no matter what happens down the line. I don't feel pressured in relationships, I don't have an urge to settle, and I feel if the baby urge ever comes upon me I have a plan.

I say all that to say @Fine 4s there is comfort in having a plan. So maybe you feel it's this guy you want a family with and don't want to move on or have another reason for trepidation. If you make a plan either how you will have a baby/family in the event you and this guy wait to long to get married if you decide baby before marriage is not for you or a baby before marriage plan you will probably feel in more control of your situation.

 

[CaraWalker]

Self assessment is the most unreliable type of assessment.

@CaraWalker In the spirit of learning can you tell me how you arrived at the conclusion that I make poor judgments in romance and that I have low self love?

IMO, self esteem and finding a good man have nothing to do with each other. To correlate the women or men who are in "happy" marriages/relationships with their self love (sorry to the unicorns) is not always true. You meet someone who understands your needs and has the ability to work with you and compensates for that 'issue' and the relationship soars. Relationships are based on compensation of some sort. All this other stuff is just noise.
We all learn to LIVE with something....

BTW, this is not to say that self love isn't important but not a requirement.

@hopeful
It would be good to hear other perspectives on this rather common concern of baby before marriage or vice versa (without focusing on me and my relationship so much).
I like the idea of egg freezing. Led me to learn more about embryo freezing as well...

i couldnt tell you any specifics because ive long since forgotten, but that is always the impression ive had,

i mean i could elaborate but i dont know that i think its necessary particularly if you do not really think my perspective on the issue relates to the way you think and experience relationships.

self assessment is basically the only assessment i find to be valid 100% of the time, so we just have fundamentally different views on the subject. im an extremely self possessed woman, and i know what i want. quite apart from having the courage to go after what i want i know what i want and i have come to understand that not everybody knows themself in those terms.

i would never describe myself as indecisive, even less of a possibility when it comes to my own wants and needs. my motivations, and explanations, maybe, but not what i actually want. like i dont even understand the connection you drew between compromise in relationships and self love.

you asked about time and age and deadlines, and my view of the issue is that they are all beholden to my timeline and will not be subject to the whims of someone else's. that doesnt seem to be an approach you are interested in taking, so you have rightfully discarded my pov on the matter

 

[Fine 4s]

@CaraWalker
OK, I accept the disagreement.
I'm indecisive, I'm ENFP to the core and that's probably my biggest issue in everything in life.
My point above was that self love has nothing to do with finding a good relationship and then I went into someone who might not have self love (according to someone else) but finds a person who is solid on other levels and the relationship works out. Perhaps I didn't illustrate or explain well enough.I think relationships are dynamic and depend on so many things. The picture I present in this thread (which again wasn't even suppose to go this way! is neither right nor wrong just incomplete.
I don't agree with all your views but I appreciate the time you take to share the POV, you always make me think....with your crazy self.

But I'll tell you what I do need from you....is some Instacart tips. I get caught up on the price per pound and I have to work in an hour. I"m going to mess up again *gulp*

 

[Fine 4s]

@giigii613 I really appreciate your post!
Thank you for sharing your POV, you're awesome!!!!
So, I looked into this with him and uhm, we ain't got 10K which is another reason why the delay is important....debt pay off, better job etc....I also read that doing the procedure later like at 40 is not the best either. It seemed like embryo freezing might be better?
It absolutely takes the pressure off! congrats to you...
PM me the deets of the procedure if you'd like....

 

[MzLady78]

My point above was that self love has nothing to do with finding a good relationship and then I went into someone who might not have self love (according to someone else) but finds a person who is solid on other levels and the relationship works out.

I couldn't disagree with this more. I think having self love is crucial to finding a good relationship.

I'm actually quite taken aback that you don't think so.

 

[Fine 4s]

Because not everyone in relationships and good ones might I add, have self love or enough of it. Hence it can't be a requirement! Not that it's not important but it's not a requirement.
@MzLady78

 

[MzLady78]

Because not everyone in relationships and good ones might I add, have self love or enough of it. Hence it can't be a requirement! Not that it's not important but it's not a requirement.
@MzLady78

Hmm...Imma have to let this one marinate for bit.

But seriously, I totally get the ticking clock, etc., as I'm creeping up on 40 myself and finding that I'm less certain about the whole marriage/kids thing than I was even just a few years ago. Only in my case, I'm still very single. I'm just trying to put too much pressure on myself because I think that can lead to making the wrong choices. I'm sure you'll figure out what's in your best interest.

 

[ms-gg]

I think when you don't have self love, you can find yourself putting up with ish you wouldn't put up with if you indeed loved yourself and had confidence in yourself. That's why I really like the song Be Happy by Mary J Blige. Two of my favorite lines in it reads:

1) How can I love somebody else
If I can't love myself enough to know
When it's time,
Time to let go

and:


2) I just wanna be so, so, happy
But the answer lies in me


If you don't love yourself, your happiness, your feeling of self worth and esteem are dependent on someone else. You are looking to someone else for validation. And what happens when they take that away? You see, that is how someone with low self esteem can end up in abusive situations- physically, emotionally and mentally. Because you have individuals who prey upon those with low self esteem and find joy in controlling and putting that person down. And it could be that the person is so use of the abuse, that they cannot even recognize it as abusive behavior.

Ugh. I'm out. This can go on forever...

 

[Fine 4s]

Since I brought up this point, I will say again that while self love is indeed important it is not a requirement for partnership. Hence why you can work on developing that love IF you have the right partner. There are married people STILL working on that and there are people with high self esteem still taking BS. So....

Let me stop before the interpretation of my viewpoint is that not only that I don't love myself now, but that I won't deepen that love as I grow. Hm.

 

[almond eyes]

I had to chime in on here. Maybe I digress a tad bit. Great thread by the way.

I know many older black women (65 plus) who are in the category of no kids and no husband/boyfriend. And then I know some who are married (but no kids).

Now, you have women like Oprah who has had traumatic experiences in her childhood and chose to not have kids but is very happy with having a partner. Then you have Shonda Rhimes who wanted the house full of kids but didn't want a partner.

From talking to my older friends and aunties who are in the no kids and no husband/boyfriend or no kids but husband/partner here is what I have learnt from them:

1. You have to know what you want and what is important to you

2. What are your values? Some women have a religious upbringing that says no sex before marriage and no children unless married. And they are very happy with having made that decision. And one of my friends who is like this she adopted and is fifty plus. She is glad she didn't settle for a man who didn't have her same Christian values and loves her child.

3. Some women in order to get married find themselves with a man who does not want to have kids and or already has kids and doesn't want more kids. And this can create a lot of bitterness. I have another friend 50 plus she married an older man who didn't want kids and she was fine with that but then later wanted kids but had medical issues and found out that husband had medical issues that would have passed on birth defects to their children. She is bitter.

4. Some of those women were high maintenance and didn't want a child that would have stolen the spot light from the relationship between them and their husband.

5. Some of them were not maternal nor marriage minded and preferred the solo life but feel as they have gotten older very lonely.

6. Some like my friend who is married and tried over and over again to have kids but she had medical issues and now has adopted and feels renewed again.

7. Others like my cousin who is very religious and felt that God would bless her with a baby in her old age (i.e. Sarah) waited to get married at 50 plus and now wants her own biological child and we are all like without medical intervention we don't see how that is possible (but hey anything could happen).

8. Some like my friend who is married with step kids and desperately wants to have kids but cannot do it the natural way because she and her husband carry a birth defect trait that could be passed onto the child. She is 45 plus and she is going IVF route.

9. A colleague who had been married young but divorced and found herself single at 45 plus and decided to have a baby on her own with a younger guy she was dating.

10. My grandmother's cousin she married a man but she was unable to conceive kids and also neither were any of her sisters. She often tells me she regrets not adopting a baby when she was younger. She adopted older children but she said it was not the same and they didn't feel that same bond. By the time she figured out she wanted a child of her own and was tired of taking care of others kids, she was 60 plus. Now she is 85.

11. My Godmother who is 80, never got married or had kids and she complains all the time that it was the worst decision ever because she is all alone in her old age and no one to do milestones with and she is an only child and didn't grow up with her cousins.

These stories illustrate that in the end it is truly a personal choice. And sometimes there are situations that are out of our control that can prevent you from having kids when you want or you choose the wrong mate, or your mate can't have biological kids.

Do what works for you. The only thing I will reiterate from my conversations with all these women is that having a mate is not biological while children is. If you aren't sure you want kids then that could be a pretty good estimation that no you don't and don't let societal norms push you into that. But if you want kids, really the window is short and you don't want to end up making desperate choices to have a kid(s).


Best,
Almond Eyes

 

[Fine 4s]

@almond eyes
"Do what works for you. The only thing I will reiterate from my conversations with all these women is that having a mate is not biological while children is. If you aren't sure you want kids then that could be a pretty good estimation that no you don't and don't let societal norms push you into that. But if you want kids, really the window is short and you don't want to end up making desperate choices to have a kid(s)."

And there you have it.

 

[Bun Mistress]

I wasn't interested babies or marriage until maybe two years ago. I'm not 40+ acutally 33. But I started to think about my life more seriously and realized I wanted kids. But there wasn't anyone that I felt I wanted in my life to marry. And I knew too many people that got married to have kids with not the best outcome...So I decided to have a baby. I choose a SD and did IUI and not I have a 4 month old. No regrets. I mentally prepared my myself to be a SMBC and have loved every minute of it. I'm older and my career is in place.

I have already thought about a second. Probably in a year.

If the right person comes along before then, great, but I won't just marry anyone or date some one to have a child with them I have seen the aftermath in my family from doing so.

If you think you would regret not having a child then make the decision to have a child

Most people didnot agree with my choice but it wasn't there choice to make. Everyone is happy now, make a responsible decision for yourself.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I wasn't interested babies or marriage until maybe two years ago. I'm not 40+ acutally 33. But I started to think about my life more seriously and realized I wanted kids. But there wasn't anyone that I felt I wanted in my life to marry. And I knew too many people that got married to have kids with not the best outcome...So I decided to have a baby. I choose a SD and did IUI and not I have a 4 month old. No regrets. I mentally prepared my myself to be a SMBC and have loved every minute of it. I'm older and my career is in place.

I have already thought about a second. Probably in a year.

If the right person comes along before then, great, but I won't just marry anyone or date some one to have a child with them I have seen the aftermath in my family from doing so.

If you think you would regret not having a child then make the decision to have a child

Most people didnot agree with my choice but it wasn't there choice to make. Everyone is happy now, make a responsible decision for yourself.

Did IUI work the first time? BFF has friends who tried IVF and IUI and mentioned that the doctor for one of her friends cautioned the couple that the first attempt usually did not work. She was right. It did take the second time though and they have a baby.

 

[almond eyes]

I wasn't interested babies or marriage until maybe two years ago. I'm not 40+ acutally 33. But I started to think about my life more seriously and realized I wanted kids. But there wasn't anyone that I felt I wanted in my life to marry. And I knew too many people that got married to have kids with not the best outcome...So I decided to have a baby. I choose a SD and did IUI and not I have a 4 month old. No regrets. I mentally prepared my myself to be a SMBC and have loved every minute of it. I'm older and my career is in place.

I have already thought about a second. Probably in a year.

If the right person comes along before then, great, but I won't just marry anyone or date some one to have a child with them I have seen the aftermath in my family from doing so.

If you think you would regret not having a child then make the decision to have a child

Most people didnot agree with my choice but it wasn't there choice to make. Everyone is happy now, make a responsible decision for yourself.

Great post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Thanks for sharing.

Best,
Almond Eyes

 

[MuziqizLyfe]

Although I mentioned SO, it's more a general question for people in my situation.
It seems like one would have to rush the dating process at least IMO.

@YesToHair! We talked about a baby in the next couple of years but we both feel like marriage before the baby is rushing because of various things in our lives. He's been married before too. He'd be more apt to have a baby and marry later. But what's the incentive to marry me after I have a baby? It seems risky to me.

@hopeful As for a baby, I don't know if I really really want one which is yet another reason this is a silly dilemma because why make plans or worry about something I'm not sold on? It seems more of a fantasy. I want the option, and the option to do it the best way possible. I don't want to do the work of raising a child let alone without the father around to help. I think babies are cute and would fulfill that sense of "family" that I crave. But do I deeply want to be a mother, I don't think so.

@BlackMasterPiece - the marriage in a short period of time also feels risky to me.

@RocStar - marriage is more important to me IF I have a baby. Otherwise I can wait.

Been thinking about this lately and had to just throw it out there, see what thoughts ya'll have.
Three of my close friends are in the same boat but they don't seem to worry about it...at all. One is single, no baby, the other single but wants a baby like yesterday and the other is in a relationship but not ready for marriage and 50/50 on a baby. But he's clear he wants marriage sooner rather than later but she doesn't feel ready.

The baby/cute stage of parenting is very, very short. It is very unwise to have a child based on the cutesyness factor...it's also unfair to the child who can't always rely on being cute and cuddly to win you over...what about when they are sick, tantruming, having trouble at school, not sharing, being disobedient, needy, or clingy?

There are a million cute, touching loving moments that happen throughout the years but this is a lifelong commitment unlike any other and it requires an emotional investment from you for a lifetime. The fact that you are hesitant about being a mother and only looking at a child as something to compliment a marriage means it should be taken off the table IMO.

 

[*CherryPie*]

Make sure your decisions are not dependent on his decisions. Don't live HIS life. Make sure that what you decide is what you want and not what you think he wants. You're not going to be of child bearing age forever, and not having the child that you wish you had is the worst heart wrenching feeling in the world.

 

[LiftedUp]

Make sure your decisions are not dependent on his decisions. Don't live HIS life. Make sure that what you decide is what you want and not what you think he wants. You're not going to be of child bearing age forever, and not having the child that you wish you had is the worst heart wrenching feeling in the world.

I'm happy that I came into this thread. The bold just spoke some wisdom into my life.

 

[Fine 4s]

The biggest concern is regret. It seems like folks on the fence don't know what they will regret tomorrow.

The last time I can remember thinking that I wanted a child was at 28. And then I went on BC. lol
On another note, the women that I know with children hint at if they had to do it over, they wouldn't have children. I can think of at least 4 like this.
Do they actually REGRET? But yet, they'll be the first to talk about family trips and good grades etc. They be confusing me.

 

[*CherryPie*]

When it comes to your friends regretting their decision to have their children, the grass is always greener on the other side. Every great decision in life comes with its rewards and its challenges. The thing is, everybody is different.

Without considering your friends (because they are not you...and this is personal), think about your life with a child and how it makes YOU feel. Don't add the man into the equation yet. What you will get from it is how you feel about having children.

The biggest concern is regret. It seems like folks on the fence don't know what they will regret tomorrow.

The last time I can remember thinking that I wanted a child was at 28. And then I went on BC. lol
On another note, the women that I know with children hint at if they had to do it over, they wouldn't have children. I can think of at least 4 like this.
Do they actually REGRET? But yet, they'll be the first to talk about family trips and good grades etc. They be confusing me.

 

[Fine 4s]

Of course it has to be a personal decision @*CherryPie*
But I'm curious about folks who regret it. It's fascinating to me. Like, how do you regret and have several children? These women are co-workers though.

 

[DarkJoy]

complete waste of time...the mere fact that a woman is with a man who is not on the same page with her is alarming...at any age

two people have to be on the same page with a relationship. that's it. its simple.

its one thing to be a single woman, want a baby and opt to adopt or etc
but its a total other situation to be in a relationship with a man and YOUR WANTS are not on the same page with his wants!

women are interesting, we sit, we wait, we waste our time, our patience etc

OVER my dead body!!!! you heard me...if Im not happy no one is..and my life speaks to happiness....

I agree. The whole thing would be a dealbreaker for me esp at this age (im only a cpl years older than you @Fine 4s . Pardon the bluntness but Id feel like my precious fertile time is being wasted. Too old for on-the-fence ninjas.